When I watch this video, I get the idea ^^ so, here enjoy

People says it is easy to move on when you broke with someone else, but it’s never easy with him. People says it is easy to go back when you can’t find anyone else to replace that person, but it’s always difficult to replace his position. I always seek for a new way to go on living - it’s not in terms of moving on - but it is the way to runaway from the thought I have. I make a new friend in case of distracting myself from the thoughts of you. I go to the new places where I will have a new memories. I find a new hobby where I will enjoy myself alone without anyone bothering me. I will find a new song which it won’t remind me of you.

But it is the one I wish for.

I fail.

It’s only a distraction. A disturbance of the life I live by myself.

People starts to bother me with the thoughts of moving on. They will mind me about the question of standing on the same spot or finding a new journey to start. I can’t even choose. Just because I know myself. It is not out from my comfort zone. The new friends I meet, are different with my vibe. They can not follow the style I live. Friends only become a friend, no further expectation of them in my life. Soon they become only best friend. Not the close one where I used to be with him.

The new hobby I start to like, merely a hobby that I hope you will like to do it together with me if he is willingly coming back to my embrace, albeit it won’t come true, I guess. It drives me nuts knowing you are not there. The hobby I begin to like, merely a hobby that has no hint of him. I don’t know what will he like, what will he say about it or what he will compliment about it.

The place I walk to, a place where I wish he is there and waiting for me. The place where I almost suffocate just by thinking about him without enjoying the excitement there. The place is full of my imagination about him. But he isn't there.

It’s not my world revolve around him.

But it’s about my world is not complete without him.

If there is no Lee Jihoon, so no Choi Seungcheol is existed.

I wish my life will not be like this. But I can’t. Whenever I walk, I feel like a string tugs me to him. A string that makes my will to get over from him bigger than anything else, but it’s a string that I like the most. A string that guides me to him. A string that gives a constant way to search him each day though he is never there.  It’s a reason why I distract myself. If I keep searching a way and follow my hunch to look for him, I will hurt ourselves again, just like in the past. If I continue to being persistent to come back to him, I will make him cry silently. I don’t wanna see his sad tears anymore. I want to move on.

However,

I can not. Whenever I meet someone new, I can feel nothing. No excitement like the way I used to sense with him. Whenever I hug my friend for a friendly hug, it never be same like the way I used to hug him before anything else happened afterwards. I wonder why it is like this now. I wonder what happen to me. I also wonder what happen to him. It never be warm just like that time.

I am doing alright, but it never be the same ‘alright’ like before. I used to live in sincere laugh and smile, but now it’s different. It is all fake because there is no him anymore. I try to live on my own without his surveillance, but the result is beyond expectation. I make a mess with myself. I need him.

I need Lee Jihoon.

As much as I want him to come back to me again.

Although it’s hard, not as easy as people thinks.

I just don’t wanna to distract myself anymore. Even though some people says a distraction is good for reason. Well - - when it’s about to focus back on work and socialising, perhaps it’s good. On the contrary, I forget to take care of myself and being a real of myself towards the others. I forget about his last advice for me before he left. About living well and find a new one that better than him. It is impossible to find someone that better than him and suit me well. It is not an easy task to be done.

How to find someone better than him if he is the air I have?

Honestly, it’s hard to live without him. It’s hard to breathe without him. He is like my oxygen. Just like now, I am surrounded by my friend — it is a normal sight to see a bunch of people sit around a table and chat with each other. The sight where I am sitting on right now, it’s like a buzzing sound inside my ear, slowly destroys the function itself. Also it’s hard to find a space for breathing when the friends start to talk about the things I do not ever understand. It’s hard to breath in this context. A smile I draw on my face is fake. I feel sick of this condition. My brain is spinning giddily, and has no clue how to stop just because people surrounds me is talking excitedly. I sip my beer and excuse myself to out from the room for a moment.

I toss my eyes to see around. It is the place I don’t like. I just follow what my friends all agree with the idea of hang-out in this kind of place. So I just step out from the place, then feel the night breeze my cheek gently as if it soothes me for a second. My eyes land on the people who pass by the cafe, walk in the rush pace or calm step, silently speak with their friends directly or through phone. I take a hard breath. It’s not right thing to do. I take another step to move forward.

Suddenly I feel that string tugging me again. I turn around to another side. I see a figure who make me frangible right away. I almost lose my control of my own body if that figure isn’t quick to catch me. I will fall down if he doesn’t run to me. I never understand how his instinct to catch me is too fleet. He shows a concerned look as he holds me.

“You okay?” I shake my head instantly as he helps me to stand properly.

A tear runs down on my cheek as I observe his face. It’s been a long time for me to not see him. I’m missing him right now, even he is standing a few inches from me. Still, I miss him, a lot.

“Seungcheol?” His tender voice is shaking my heart. I want to hug him right now, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid if he will push me away and leave me here like a fool.

His tiny finger wipes down the bottom of my eye. He wipes my tears away, not push me away. “Don’t cry,” said Jihoon as he curls a smile on his lip.

“I’m not.” I try to deny but another tears come up. I look away.

“That’s okay.” He caresses my cheek gently. “Go home if you feel sick, Seungcheol.”

I feel it’s just like another day when I was official bounded to him. It’s just warm like the usual days he talked to me. I turn and fix my eyes into him. “Just only if you accompany me.”

He smiles and give a small nod, then he pushes me to get back into that place to pack my stuffs.

-

Here, under the same roof, inside my car. He drives me to my condo.

“The same house?” I nod as I look away. My cheek feels warm when he drives me home. He is the one who taking care of me well, not like my own self. He feels like home, not only because he is warm, but also he is the place I want to rely my life on — the place where I feel so comfort and safe.

As soon as we arrive at the building, I ask him to stay. I just don’t want to close my eyes without him. I like to see him around. Well — he merely nods and accompany me. We walk side by side.

I open my door and permit him to come in. Then we remain quiet. I slip my hand into his and drag him into the room where I used to spend together with him. my hold on him is tight. I can’t let him go for now.

“Cheol?” He calls me again. That voice, please Jihoon, keep calling. I’m craving for your voice, I says silently inside my heart. It’s hurt when I did not hear his voice to call me. I only heard his voice in my dream after he left. That was gratifying, but it was only a dream. When I opened my eyes, I would find none inside my room to call me like now.

“Accompany me,” I beg as I sit down on my bed. I feel all weak. I can’t stand him. I can not help myself either.

Jihoon is always my greatest strength and my biggest weakness.

He smiles. That is ! It lures me perfectly. He pulls me to lie down on my bed and wrap me safely under my blanket. He pats my chest that covered by the blanket with a mild manner. “Don’t force yourself if you don’t feel comfortable with that place.”

I frown. “But that… my friend chose it for all.”

“Well… you can say no to your friend, right?” He reminds me. I keep frowning. “But…”

“Nah, it’s okay. Sleep now.” He stand up, immediately I grab his hand again. I can not permit him to leave me anymore.

“Don’t go…” I whine. He just chuckles. “I don’t leave, I just need to take the cold towel for you.” Slowly I loosen my grasp on him. Then he goes right away. I stare at the ceilings. I wonder when the last time I felt so hot and lied down on the mattress instead of drank my pills and got straight back to work. The fidgeting finger under the blanket indicates that I’m worried. I can not trust him easily right now due to my insecurity. I’m waiting for him but there is no footsteps heard.

“Jihoon…” I try to call him but there is no answer. I silently begin sobbing. Is it dream, right? I wonder why it feels so real if it’s only a dream…

I cover my face with my palms. “Cheol,” a touching tone from that heaven voice, I look up and find Jihoon with a bowl of ice cube and blanket. “Looking out for me?”

I nod innocently. He giggles. “Don’t worry, you are sick and I won’t leave you alone.” He sits beside me, placing the bowl near the bed and put the towel on my forehead.

I purr, next slip out my hand from the blanket to grab his hand again. “Don’t leave me anymore, I can die.”

There is no answer from his lips as I start to worry if he has a plan of leaving me alone again.

Slowly but surely I try to let go his hand but…

He holds me tight. “Just don’t.”

I blink my eyes, looking straight into his eyes, at that point I examine his gaze. There is my reflection. I always wish to have my own self in his eyes. I want all his attention. I want to collect all his love, only for myself.

Jihoon, the person who makes me so greedy to own him as mine.

Only mine.

He gets closer to me and cuts the gap between us. He presses his lips against mine. “I won’t let us suffering more.”

I slip my hand around his waist and deepen our touch, making him to lie on me. That kiss is a soft one I ever get from him. All of the yearning days and longing heart, it’s mixed in one kiss.

He breaks the kiss once I try to deepen more. He chuckles as he feel his lips swollen right now. “You need to take a rest.”

“But…”

“I will not leave you okay, I can promise you.” He goes out the room. I start to worry again but a moment later my heart is in ease when I hear Jihoon is talking. He must be phoning someone.

“Mom, I will stay at Seungcheol’s condo… no, he is having a little fever, don’t worry… okay I will not leave okay.”

It must be his mom.

Once in a while I wonder which one is a son from Lee family until his mom is my ally and my mom is always nagging me for being a bad boy towards Jihoon. Well -- it’s good news though. I love this idea. An idea, the string always guides me constantly to be him and through this break, I know how miserable I am without him.

A string that shows me that he is the one I need for the entire life,

the one that drives me nuts once he leaves me,

the one that drags to heaven,

the one who makes me breathe,

the one who makes me warm,

the one who I call as ‘home’.

The one I love beside my family, Lee Jihoon.

I wish no matter how much I shall be reborn, I just want him as my destiny in the end. So that I can breathe in all conditions.

-the end-