I stood still as I stare at my reflection in the foggy mirror of my shower room.  The right side of my lip lifted slightly upwards by itself, by reflex, by coincidence, I don’t know.

I have been in constant battle with the demons inside of me since time in memorial. I used to be strong… I used to be able to mask the depressive feelings that are slowly eating me alive… I used to be able to laugh off the problems that I am experiencing each and every ing time.. I used to be the one able to listen to my friends problems, give them advices, telling them that it is alright, things will change, this too shall pass, you’ve been through a lot so this is just a nut for you.. blah blah blah.

I held on to the sink tight as I feel the rush of emotions began to wash over my entire being.  I don’t understand why this is happening to me.  All of a sudden, I feel the need to break down, let it all out, and all that is in my head is just problems, issues, bad experiences, rejections, ignorance, false hopes, mimicries, etc.

I walked out of the washroom on my PJ’s and I went straight to the living room and the TV.  Watching some random drama or maybe a comedy series might lighten up my mood a bit.

However, I found myself staring blankly at it, my mind yet again drifting to somewhere I don’t ever want to be.

I have hated my job ever since there is a huge restructuring that has been made when it was acquired by a larger company.  My team got dissolved, I got into a higher position but didn’t get an increase - but who am I to object?  I am a foreign worker, and I cannot afford to lose this job because I am the only one that my family entrusts when it comes to finances.

I used to have friends whom I can always speak with about almost everything and anything.  Do not get me wrong, they are still there, but I just feel the need to shut them down, I am not sure it’s because I feel that they don’t like talking to me anymore because I always talk to them about my problems and my problems only, or I just don’t want to drag them further down the mud.  I feel like I am being a burden to them, so I decided to take a break from talking to them, about my issues in particular.  Though casual his and hellos and how-are-yous are still present.

I hugged my knees to my chest when I felt yet another fresh set of tears threatening to leave my eyes.  Why the am I being like this?  Why, all of a sudden, I started to worry that I might lose my job and not able to provide the future that I want for my family?  What if my friends will all suddenly turn their backs on me and leave me alone? Is it better to push them all away than wait for them to do it to me?  What?

I lifted my head abruptly when my phone, the device that I have been ignoring for the last two days, started vibrating and ringing.  I leaned forward, checking the small device on top of the living room table, and sighed when I saw the name on the caller ID.

Jackson.

I lost count on how many messages my ultimate guy best friend had sent and how many missed calls and voicemail messages he had left for me.  The other boys had 2 or 3 or 4 messages and calls made, maybe Jackson had instructed them to, but I ignore them all.  I do not want him to know that I am in this situation, because, for sure, he is going to worry, he will stress himself and will try to figure out how to make me feel better.  In short, I will be another burden for him to bear.

Jackson has his own ghosts to catch and to deal with, and being an idol, it might be double than what I have right now.  I don’t want him to worry about me, when I know I know that he has things to deal with himself.

So I continued to ignore him, laying on my side on the couch as I continue to drown myself in my tears, the tears that don’t seem to disappear, I wonder if I’m going to suffer from dehydration from this, but my body just continued to tremble, shake, and wiggle so I held my knees closer to my chest.

My breathy, silent whines turned into loud sobs as time goes by.  I can hardly breath, I can only hope that after I cry this whole thing out, I will feel better and I will stop being such a child about this.

The vibration of my phone against the wooden table is starting to annoy the hell out of me. Why can’t this boy just give it up and stop calling?

The phone tick off and just a few seconds after, it rang again and I am too vulnerable to even stop my actions right now.

“What do you want, Jackson?”  I yelled at my best friend over the phone, louder and meaner than I intended to, but I don’t really care.  I can easily picture the look on my best friend’s face at this situation so I closed my eyes in frustration before lying on my side again on my leather couch,  trying to muffle the sobs that are again so desperate to come out.

“W-wow, hello to you too, what’s up with you, pumpkin?”  He tried to sound cool but I can sense the worry in his voice and my heart broke even more.  He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

“I cannot really talk right now, puppy, I’m-”

“Hold up, look, pumpkin, I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday and you’re not picking up, you’re not responding to my messages, and you never responded to my online messages though you are seeing them.  We are supposed to have dinner with the rest of the guys tonight, remember?”  He bolted, not giving me a chance to interrupt.

“Please, Jackson-” A bawl left my lips involuntarily and I shrink into the side of the couch, my hold against the gadget tightening.  .

"What the?  Why are you crying?  Did something happen to you?  Where are you?  Are you at home?  I am coming ov-”

“Just leave me alone, Pup.  I am okay… Just.. Just please I really cannot talk right no-”

“I won’t leave you alone, pumpkin, I know something is wrong, what’s the point of me being your best friend if I can’t help you out?  I’ll be th