Why did this hurt so much? Why did his heart pain him like this? Why did he have to go and fall in love? Why?

 

Dongwoo sniffled, biting his lip and covering his mouth to silence his sobs. It was late, almost four in the morning, and he didn't want to wake anyone up with his cries. Usually, the second eldest himself would be dead asleep at this time, and wouldn't awaken for many more hours or until someone forced him to wake up, but that night, his body was restless. It was a normal day, nothing new or special, yet Dongwoo’s mind was running a mile a minute through most of it and come bed time, the thoughts just kept going.

 

They weren't negative, he just kept thinking. They were random thoughts, and all over the place, never lingering too long on a topic before jumping to the next. It made him restless and he couldn't sleep. After three hours of already laying in bed, trying to shut his brain off so he can finally get some shut eye for the following day, Dongwoo’s mind slowed down and glued itself to one subject:

 

Myungsoo.

 

Dongwoo more or less became infatuated with the visual not long after they met. The younger simply had a certain aura and charm about him that drew Dongwoo in like moths to a flame, and before long, the older realized he had developed a major crush on him. Fearing rejection, Dongwoo kept quiet about his feelings for a very long time. He didn't want Myungsoo to act differently towards him or maybe even be repulsed by him, so Dongwoo bit his cheek and pushed his feelings back. It was difficult to do, with Myungsoo being the skinship-loving person he is, and Dongwoo simply couldn't reject him without raising a few questions.

 

It was torture each and every time Myungsoo tried to jokingly kiss him, both on and off camera, and Dongwoo tried so hard each time to dodge them all to prevent his feelings from coming to light. But when Myungsoo accomplished his goal and landed a kiss on Dongwoo’s temple, all resolve was lost for the older.

 

That same night, Myungsoo noticed something was off with his lively hyung. That night, he confronted Dongwoo about it after the others went to bed. That night, he insisted that he be told why the other was acting out of character. That night, Dongwoo broke and told him about his love for Myungsoo. And that same exact night, Myungsoo said he didn't feel the same way.

 

Dongwoo was heartbroken. He cried and cried that night, alone, in the middle of the night, while everyone else slept soundly in their rooms. He didn't get a wink of sleep that night, just red, puffy eyes and a sore nose.

 

Myungsoo, however, didn't act so differently afterwards. He continued interacting with his hyung, joking with Dongwoo, talking to Dongwoo, caring about Dongwoo, and being cuddly with Dongwoo. The only change was the lack of kiss attempts, those stopped. Dongwoo continued to act normally as well, as though he never spoke about his feelings, as though his heart wasn't torn to shreds.

 

He appreciated not being treated differently by the younger, because Myungsoo was and remains to be a very important person in Dongwoo's life, but while the lack of change comforted him, it also drove Dongwoo mad. It pained him that Myungsoo really didn't see him that way, that all his skinship was purely platonic affection. It pained Dongwoo to act as if nothing ever happened, but his desperation to keep Myungsoo in his life and to not raise any questions from the other members was stronger.

 

It took Dongwoo maybe three weeks before he stopped quietly crying himself to sleep every night. It took two weeks after that to stop crying every other night. It took a few months after that to stop using whatever alone time he had in the dorms crying silently in his room. It was about a year after the confession until he became slightly bitter about the situation. It took a few months after that for Dongwoo to tell himself that he was over it.

 

But he wasn't.

 

Whenever he looked at Myungsoo, Dongwoo felt his heart clench. Whenever Myungsoo initiated skinship with him, Dongwoo felt a part of him chip away. Whenever Myungsoo talked about someone else, Dongwoo knew a piece of him died. He simply hasn't moved on and lying to himself didn't help, it just hurt more.

 

One day, Dongwoo’s strength just wasn't strong enough anymore, and without even wanting to, he leaned forward to kiss Myungsoo as the younger held him close in a random embrace. The kiss was short and soft, but it sent shocks through Dongwoo’s body, shocks he's never felt with anyone else. For a brief moment, Dongwoo’s heart jumped at the idea that maybe Myungsoo would feel them too.

 

But he didn't feel those shocks. Instead, he pulled away from the hug entirely and simply apologized to the older with a sad look on his face before walking away. Dongwoo simply stood in the middle of the empty living room, heart shattered to a million pieces yet again, realizing his mistake.

 

Myungsoo avoided Dongwoo for a few days, which broke him even more. He feared it was a permanent thing and Dongwoo was on the verge of an anxiety attack for a whole week. When things went back to normal, the dancer calmed down a little, but the heartbreak was still there, only this time Dongwoo knew for a fact that the object of his affection has never and would never return his feelings.

 

The process began yet again, though this time, Dongwoo used his bitterness to get over it. He told himself he hated Myungsoo, that Myungsoo was terrible and wasn't worthy of Dongwoo’s love. It helped, for the most part. The rapper kept up his facade as if nothing happened, but beneath his smile and friendly acts was a mess of emotions even he couldn't fully comprehend. He just kept it hidden.

 

Eventually, it didn't hurt so much. Eventually, the bitterness was able to fade away and Dongwoo wasn't left so broken and helpless. Eventually, Dongwoo deemed himself healthy enough to try and look at other people. Eventually, Dongwoo was pretty okay.

 

But every once in awhile, seemingly out of nowhere, realization that his feelings are still there comes crashing in on top of him, and Dongwoo is drowning in misery.

 

That's why Dongwoo sometimes stays up all night crying quietly to himself. That's why sometimes he repeatedly bangs his head against the wall when no one else is home until his head is throbbing with pain. Dongwoo was never really able to get over the pain because he was still so helplessly in love with Myungsoo. Dongwoo was never able to move on because Myungsoo unknowingly held his heart firmly in his hands and wouldn't let go.

 

Dongwoo is sure that Myungsoo is his other half, and that he, Dongwoo, must have done terrible things in his past life for his soul mate to reject him like he did. Dongwoo is sure that he will never find true love, because his true love lies with Myungsoo, and Myungsoo won't ever return those feelings. Dongwoo knows that he's to spend the rest of his life unloved by the one man he wants it from the most. Dongwoo knows he's to suffer in silence when Myungsoo meets someone he loves and decides to be with them. Dongwoo knows he'll never truly be happy, because his happiness is with someone that will never return his feelings.

So all Dongwoo can do is occasionally sit and cry his heart out until exhaustion puts him to sleep. 

 

☆☆☆☆☆☆

There isn't a lot of Dongsoo stuff so I hope you guys could appreciate this ty excuse of a drabble lol. This is entirely unedited btw so if there's any mistakes you can just point them out if you wanna. I might start posting again but I can't promise anything as my motivation goes away after 2 hours OTL

Have a great day! Comments are appreciated~