Jaehyun rolls around on bed for the nth time of the night.

His eyes screwed shut, so tightly, as he hugs his blanket close to his chest, his heart, his aching heart.

Or maybe it was an act to keep the scent he never wanted to let go of, never wanted it to fade away.

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he manages to hold it in anyway as his phone buzzes incessantly.

The melody of a bittersweet memory playing in the back of his mind, like a broken tape.

“Would you wake up one day, and come to realise that you never did love me?”

He remembers that, he still remembers that day vividly.

Vast turquoise ocean spread across his vision.

Sea breeze caressing their faces, whispering little secrets in their ears.It was comforting, soothing, calming…

And Jaehyun answered that very question without a tiny doubt.

Seagulls sailing across the clear sky, there Jaehyun was, clutching onto the frame encased in his embrace, as if he was afraid that he would lose him.

Silence, a seal of lips, a silent promise.

No words shared.

Memories made that lasts forever.

They were wanderers, in love, who happened to exist in this world, who happened to have found warmth in each other’s arms.

They were lucky.

“No, silly. You are my fix.”

Pause. Silence.

His lover looked up at him, a smile gracing his lips, Jaehyun smiled too.

It was breathtaking, that splitting second, that very moment was imprinted in the back of Jaehyun’s mind-

The golden rays complimenting his lover’s features, and Jaehyun thought he fell in love once more, if it was even possible.

“I love you, Jaehyun.”

It was the first.

He said with so much sincerity in his voice as he lifted his gaze, and Jaehyun thought he could drown in those pools of brown orbs forever.

Back then when Jaehyun didn’t believe in forevers.

They were cuddling in Jaehyun’s old makeshift bed, in that old apartment, back then when Jaehyun hadn’t had the money, but money be damned at that time.

He still remembers.

The way his fingers interlocked his. It was a perfect fit. Jaehyun thought he would be his eternal fix, but forevers be damned.

“People are like stars, Jaehyun.”

He played with Jaehyun’s fingers.

And Jaehyun wonders if he still has this old, old habit.

“Relationships, too. They shine so bright in the night sky, but they know they will eventually burn out later on. Whether in the near future or not, they will, no matter what, or how.”

And Jaehyun still remembers how his heart dropped, how his chest constricted at that very moment, even with him secured safely in his arms.

“But I don’t want to lose you, Jaehyun. I want to be with you forever, even if you don’t believe in forevers.”

A deafening silence ensued them.

Jaehyun was staring at him, staring into that pair of big, brown eyes, as if searching for an answer buried beneath a thick layer of ice.

An answer, an honest one.

An affirmation.

Some sort of confirmation.

Nonetheless, he closed the distance between their lips, and that was the second time, Jaehyun took note mentally.

“I love you, Jaehyun.”

And Jaehyun chokes at that particular memory. There it was, the hope he was given to give into a nonsensical fairytale, a forever.

Really, they were just puzzles that seemed fit at that very moment.

And Jaehyun thinks, it was a flame of passion, in the past though. Everything after that is the present.

The painful, painful present.

Which often leaves a clueless Jaehyun weeping in his bed in random evenings.

Which often leaves a frustrated Jaehyun punching the bathroom mirror, as if the figure reflecting his face was mocking him.

Which often leaves a devastated Jaehyun revisiting places they used to go together, only to break down in public.

The first time Jaehyun received a letter, beads of tears rolled down his cheeks.

He was wailing, for the first time in years.

The second time Jaehyun received the letter, he was totally conked out.

Defeated.

And Jaehyun could only lie against the wall limply, before sliding down, sitting on the floor, silent tears falling.

The third time, he told Jaehyun that he loves him, it was one lovely night.

Basked in their afterglow, soft lights of the moon illuminating the sharp edges of his features, his voice still husky after their love making session.

Jaehyun kissed his hairline, then his cheek, and his nose. His hands roaming the expanse of his back idly, considering how pliant sleepy he is after .

“I love you, Jaehyun.”

This time, he said with so much certainty in his voice. Like he was so ing sure of it.

And Jaehyun felt a squeeze at his heart.

This time though, Jaehyun tightened his arms around him, whispering.

“I love you, too.”

Jaehyun indulged in one of these moments. It was a privilege, or so he thought.

And everything fell apart.

After Jaehyun had told him about his dreams.

An old-fashioned dream, he remembers. A family, two kids.

After Jaehyun had proposed to him that night, in a park, nothing fancy.

He remembers the way his heart beat erratically as he fished out the blue velvet box, kneeling on one knee as he said those words he had practiced few days before.

And he miraculously said yes to his lousy proposal.

Tears of joy were shed, and Jaehyun felt as if he was the happiest man living on Earth.

After he and Jaehyun had decided to get married unofficially.

Their love was too pure, too pure for the world to understand.

Too pure for the official papers to fathom.

Too pure for the public to accept and embrace it.

The world was too small to house their love.

Jaehyun didn’t know when and where, but maybe somewhere along “I’m sorry baby, I’m busy,” when Jaehyun knew he had a prior date with him, but work made him call it off, all too many times. From a “It’s okay, baby, you don’t have to pressure yourself,” to a “It’s okay, I know, baby, it’s work, after all,” on the other end of the line, without letting Jaehyun to finish his sentence.

Or maybe somewhere along “Baby, I don’t understand you,” where they had these little fights in their little shared apartment. Those fights that turned from petty to heated ones, and that’s where their relationship started spiraling down, all too high speed for Jaehyun to catch on.

And maybe something along “I’m not coming home tonight,” over a monotonous, simple message. Nights where Jaehyun came home to cold food, with a sleeping figure by the dining table, to nights where Jaehyun came home to complete darkness, the lights in their shared bedroom were off. A disappointed sigh went unnoticed.

So now, Jaehyun can only clutch to the letters that has been sent in months ago.

He reads it again, in his mind, at the ungodly hours of the day.

“We are very sorry to inform you, Mr Jung Jaehyun, that…”

Those words were as if burnt into his mind, and really, at this rate, Jaehyun can already recite it like a poem.

"Mr Lee Taeyong had erased you from his memory, forever. Any interaction with the patient mentioned above is highly discouraged…”

During nights like these, Jaehyun wishes he has a pair of arms to run into.

Particularly, his.

And Jaehyun’s train of thoughts are cut off by the ringing of his phone.

He picks up this time, with half-expected dialogue in his mind, an automated voice can be heard over the phone.

“We are very sorry to inform you…”

Something in Jaehyun breaks.

But how broken can Jaehyun be ever since the day he left?

They were wanderers after all, he told Jaehyun one day, two years into their relationship.

Maybe he was right.

One thing he never knew about Jaehyun is that, he had finally made up his mind to settle down, with him, eternally, till forever.

Spot that eternal sunshine of spotless mind reference, hehe.