Routine.

 

It was the concept Wonwoo was most familiar with, and the concept he hated more than anything. Redundancy ruled his day to day life, from waking up to go to school, attending cram school, coming back home to study even more, and then sleeping. His life revolved around nothing but studying and preparing for the future when he had no clue as to what his future was supposed to look like, or what he wanted it to be. As he progressed in life and in his studies, he could only question what all of his efforts were even really being counted for. He wanted something more out of life than obligatory studies, just because it was what was expected… And yet, he never tried to break away from this seemingly pointless, mundane and repetitive schedule. As dull as it was, it was somewhat comforting, and the most he had ever done to try and change it was to wish for it.

 

He should have known, that of the millions of billions of wishes that have been made, some of them were bound to come true. It was as simple as probability. Even if it was rare, it didn’t mean it was impossible. And soon, Wonwoo realized fewer things were impossible than he thought. It was a fairy godmother who came to grant Wonwoo’s wish, one that was not at all fairy-like, and not at all mother-like. His fairy godmother was a storm who was addicted to thrill. A storm by the name of Kwon Soonyoung.

 

Soonyoung was a boy Wonwoo’s age, and unlike Wonwoo who was trapped in his self-made world of repetition, was a free spirit, shackled by nothing. Not by society, not by family, and not even by law, as the two of them met when the rebellious teen broke in Wonwoo’s room through the window one night.

 

Before that fated night, nothing ever changed. But after, nothing was ever the same. Wonwoo was studying at his desk, trying to ignore the distracting scratching noises by the window. He didn’t hear any particularly strong winds brushing against the house, but they must have been decently strong if they could cause the tree branches to sway and scratch the window. As distracting as it was, there was nothing he could do about it. He returned to his late-night studying.

 

He pushed his drooping glasses up the bridge of his nose as he was deriving an equation in his notebook. He squinted at his own handwriting, having trouble reading the small numbers due to the annoyingly dim desk lamp he had. Ever since one of its bulbs went out the night before, all he had to bring light to his desk was a single measly bulb working by itself. It flickered, the remaining bulb threatening to go out.

 

It was annoying, and even more distracting than the rustling tree outside.

 

The crash of the window broke Wonwoo’s train of thoughts and attracted his attention. While he was confused, wondering if there was an awfully quiet storm that was somehow strong enough to break his window, he noticed a human leg poke through the curtains. And then an arm.

 

Alarmed at the presence of an intruder and possible murderer, Wonwoo frantically searched for a weapon of some sort. However, having nothing to do but study all day, all he had were notebooks and writing utensils surrounding him. He picked up a pen. It would suffice as a stabbing tool.

 

He took his stance, ready for battle, but became startled when his intruder finally stepping inside and made a yelp when he made eye contact with Wonwoo. The both of them were frozen, watching the other with stupor. The boy in front of Wonwoo was small in comparison to he was. He sported a dusty-silvery blue shade of hair, mostly covered by a black beanie. The rest of what he wore was black as well. A black shirt with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and black skinny jeans tucked into black combat boots. The stereotypical crime-wear.

 

Wonwoo probably looked just about as nerdy as he was with his glasses sliding down his face and a shaking hand threateningly holding a pen. His baggy white T-shirt and pajama pants hindered his movements slightly. Comparing the two, even though Wonwoo was the one with a weapon, it seemed he was not likely to win a fight.

 

“Look,” the boy started, his hands defensively in front of him. “I don’t mean any harm.

 

“Then why are you here? Why did you come through the window?” Wonwoo asked softly, trying to stabilize his pen-wielding hand.

 

The boy’s gaze found the pen held up high.

 

“Is that a pen? You’re not seriously trying to threaten me with a pen, are you?”

 

Wonwoo swallowed, taken aback by the sudden inquiry.

 

“T-the p-pen is mightier than the sword.”

 

He cursed himself for stuttering.

 

“Oh?”

 

Before Wonwoo had the time to process anything, the boy intruder was holding Wonwoo’s hands behind his back with one hand, and a cold blade against Wonwoo’s throat with the other. The pen was lost, as were Wonwoo’s glasses. All he could see was darkness, and all he could feel was the intruder and his own frightened heartbeat. The intruder’s breath tickled his ear when he spoke softly into it.

 

“Are you sure? Your pen seems pretty useless compared to my knife.”

 

The difference in strength between them was clear and terrifying. Wonwoo couldn’t move, and he could only predict that he would die sometime in the next few moments. It was true that your life flashes before your eyes as you step up to face death’s door, and Wonwoo could see just how meaningless his life had been. He knew it to some extent, but he didn’t fully comprehend the pointlessness of it all until just then. When all he did was study without a goal, he couldn’t be described as human. He was just a robot programmed to study. It wouldn’t matter to the world if he disappeared, and it wouldn’t really matter much to himself either. And in those last few moments he thought would be his last, he wondered what it would have been like to taste a hint of freedom.

 

He closed his eyes preparing for a sharp pain in his neck to cause his death when all of a sudden he was released. He slumped to the ground as his legs no longer had the strength to support him, his hand caressing his neck in relief and a little bit in disappointment. He looked up at his intruder who folded his knife before pocketing it.

 

“Why?” Wonwoo asked in confusion.

 

“I told you before,” the stranger said bluntly. “I don’t mean any harm.”

 

Wonwoo was still brushing his neck with his fingers at the wound that wasn’t there.

 

“Why are you here? Why did you break in?”

 

“I didn’t mean to break into an occupied house. The room was so dark, I didn’t think anyone was in here. If I knew you were in here I wouldn’t have broken in, you know.”

 

“That doesn’t really answer my question…”

 

The intruder scratched his head through his beanie.

 

“I needed money, okay? This looked like a decent enough house to sneak into, and that tree was a perfect cover so no one would be able to see me.”

 

“So you’re a burglar?”

 

“Hey, now. This was the first time I ever tried this, okay? No need to give anyone any titles here.”

 

“If you don’t want to be called a burglar, then what should I call you?”

 

The intruder leaned down to extend a hand. Wonwoo grabbed it, and the intruder helped him get back up on his feet. Now that Wonwoo felt less threatened by the intruder in his room, he lowered his guard. Even without his glasses, he was able to see the intruder clearly. There was a rebellious air about the intruder. Something wild and resolute. Something Wonwoo viewed with awe because it was something he never had. There was something like excitement starting to boiling in Wonwoo’s abdomen, and it was an unfamiliar sensation. He could feel an opportunity with him, the intruder. There had to be a reason that he broke into Wonwoo’s room, and maybe it was to take him away on the adventure he had always longed but never worked for.

 

“Soonyoung. My name is Soonyoung.”

 

“Soonyoung,” Wonwoo repeated after him. The name glided smoothly in his mouth with ease and elegance. It seemed soft for someone who came crashing into the room and held such a commander-like presence. Its sound contrasted greatly with its owner’s appearance, and while Wonwoo felt intimidated with Soonyoung in the room, his name rested quite comfortably in his mouth.

 

“Soonyoung,” he said again, more quietly, wondering if his name held power to create a commotion in Wonwoo’s mind. Something about his name made the boy seem more attractive, and Wonwoo was almost convinced that some witch cast a spell on the name, or that his name itself was a spell of temptation.

 

“What’s your name then?”

 

“Wonwoo.”

 

“Wonwoo, huh?” Soonyoung smiled softly as if his hard demeanor from before had been a complete lie. With Soonyoung’s shift in manner, Wonwoo no longer sensed any kind of wall between them, despite the fact that they were still strangers who had only met a few moments ago. “Thanks, Wonwoo.”

 

“Hmm? For what?”

 

“I don’t know, for not calling the cops on me? I think most people would have if they were in your position.”

 

It seemed silly almost, but Wonwoo hadn’t even thought about calling the cops on him. That would have been the common thing to do. Maybe it was that he had poor common sense. Thinking back to it, why had his first instinct been to fight the intruder? And why had his next instinct be to befriend him?

 

That was what they were doing at this stage, right? Befriending each other? Why else would they be exchanging their names?

“Ah… yeah…”

 

With the short exchange of words, their interactions calmed to a stop, and after a while, the two boys waited, seemingly for the other to make a move. All was still, the air not yet becoming stale to the point of tension. Wonwoo ended up speaking first.

 

“How…”

 

Soonyoung raised his eyebrows slightly at the utterance, waiting for the rest of the sentence.

 

“How old are you?”

 

The boy snickered at the unexpected question, breaking eye contact to cover his face. He let a smile peek through his fingers.

 

“I thought you were going to ask me to leave,” he said as he made his way to sit down on Wonwoo’s bed since it was now clear he wasn’t unwelcome.

 

Wonwoo picked up his glasses before sitting backward on his desk chair, resting his arms on the back. He put on his frames and went back once again to watching the boy on his bed, now with a clearer view.

 

“I don’t want you to leave. Yet.”

 

A playful smirk appeared on Soonyoung’s face.

 

“So you want me to stay. You know, my hourly rates aren’t cheap.”

 

“R-rates?” How much…”

 

This time Soonyoung burst into solid laughter, leaving Wonwoo puzzled.

 

“Come here,” he said when he calmed down.

 

For some reason, Wonwoo felt compelled to comply with the demand. As he got up from his chair to approach the boy, his heartbeat felt harsh against his chest. If he didn’t have decent footing, he swore the beats could knock him to the floor.

 

He stopped in front of Soonyoung, who then stood up to face him.

 

“I was kidding. You don’t have to be so stiff,” Soonyoung said gently, tousling Wonwoo’s hair lightly. “Maybe I should leave. I don’t want to have to involve someone so honest with someone like me.”

 

Soonyoung turned to the window, signaling his intent to leave, but Wonwoo grasped his arm with both hands, realizing that he was clinging on to the possible key that could open the gates to liberate Wonwoo from his own prison.

 

“Wait…”

 

“Hmm?”

 

Wonwoo thought rapidly for a reason to get him to stay longer.

 

“You said you needed money, right?”

 

He briefly let go of Soonyoung’s arm to rummage his desk and drawers for cash. When he found a small wad of bills, he shoved them into the boy’s hands.

 

“Here.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Soonyoung gave the crumpled bills back. “I’m don’t really need it all that much.”

 

“Please,” Wonwoo pushed the money against Soonyoung chest until the boy took the wad back into his hands.

 

“I don’t want to just take this. And besides, I don’t have anything I could  give you for it.”

 

Wonwoo hesitated, knowing what he wanted to request, but unsure of if it was something he should be allowed to ask. The words were lingering at the tip of his tongue, ready to jump out if he would let them. He swallowed, but the words wouldn’t go down his throat. He wanted a way out, and with the way the words were itching to leave his mouth, he knew it was more than just want.

 

“Freedom,” he said, his voice a desperately high pitch. “Give me freedom.”

 

Soonyoung paused, eyeing the cash in his hands, and then at Wonwoo. He looked into Wonwoo’s eyes, and Wonwoo could almost feel his soul being touched, its despair and desires being understood. He would normally shirk away from anyone who might be able to see that lonely side of him, but for the first time, he wanted to expose it. He wanted for Soonyoung to see his dire self if it meant he would whisk him away from the routine life he was sick of. He released his breath when Soonyoung spoke.

 

“It’ll cost you more than money.”

 

“That’s fine.”

 

“You won’t be the same.”

 

“That’s what I’m hoping for.”

 

Soonyoung contemplated it for one more short moment.

 

“Then, if it’s freedom you want, then freedom I’ll give you. But you have to promise to be mine.”

 

It didn’t seem like a difficult condition, and Wonwoo didn’t think he would mind. It was a small cost if it could be considered one. In fact, he couldn’t think of a drawback to it.

 

Wonwoo nodded, agreeing to the conditions, and Soonyoung put the cash in his pocket before grabbing Wonwoo’s hand and pulling him towards the broken window. Wonwoo looked down at the broken shards scattered on the carpet. When he looked back up again, Soonyoung was halfway through the window and pulling Wonwoo along.

 

Soonyoung paused to look down at Wonwoo’s feet.

 

“Are you going to be okay leaving the house with those shoes?”

 

Wonwoo didn’t even look at them. “Yeah.”

 

Soonyoung contorted his body to fit through the misshapen hole and then tugged on Wonwoo’s hand for him to follow.

 

“Then let’s show you what freedom is like.”

 

As Wonwoo slipped through the window, he could already feel that he was stepping into a new phase of hi life. With the window being his gate to liberation and Soonyoung being the key, he was shedding out of the skin he stubbornly held onto for so long, only to discover that he had wings behind his back, meant for flying, no doubt. Maybe all this time he had the ability to escape his boring life, but he was too scared to even try. But with Soonyoung leading the way, he was prepared for flight. He was ready to discover the effects of metamorphosis: a new life, and a new sense of self. He was ready for what Soonyoung had in store for him.

 

When they reached a motorcycle, concealed in the shadows, Soonyoung carefully slipped a helmet on Wonwoo’s head before he the engine and sat down on the seat. He patted the cushion behind him.

 

Slowly, Wonwoo got on, adjusting his body to be able to sit comfortably. Soonyoung reached behind him to take Wonwoo’s arms and wrap them around his waist.

 

“Never ridden before?”

 

Wonwoo shook his head, and even though Soonyoung was facing forward and not towards him, it seemed like he heard the answer Wonwoo didn’t verbally express.

 

“Then hold on tight and get ready for the ride of your life.”

 

Wonwoo nodded.

 

“I’m eighteen, by the way,” Soonyoung uttered just before accelerating, leaving Wonwoo no time to respond before they rode into the dark street.

 

Wonwoo never felt so close to the wind before. No, he wasn’t just close to the wind. He was the wind, creating a ripple in the still atmosphere as he traveled across it. It was the closest his body could get to flying, but his heart already felt like it was soaring. Racing between the lanes, it was like only Soonyoung and Wonwoo mattered, and that they would fly forever. For the first time, Wonwoo was free. He was free.

 

The school bell rang, interrupting the last few words the teacher wanted to squeeze in for the lecture, and interrupting Wonwoo’s daydreams. He looked down at his open notebook, blank, and his pen resting in his hand. He realized that he hadn’t paid attention to a single second of the lecture, and it almost shocked him that he was even able to do that. Then again, his mind was never so occupied with thoughts of the night before, or what he was hoping out of the future. He lived in the present, like so many would advise, but that only made him an empty person. He was just alive, living without a past and without a future.

 

But he felt different now. He didn’t even care that he didn’t get anything out of the lecture. All he thought about was Soonyoung, Soonyoung, Soonyoung. All he wanted was to savor another sweet taste of liberating air with him. He couldn’t care less about the desk he was once chained to for most of his life. The weak chains he never had the courage to break, as worn down and rusty as they were. His feet were no longer heavy from them after experiencing excitement for the first time, and he already couldn’t contain his greed for experiencing flight once again.

 

His wish was granted once more when he found Soonyoung waiting for him outside the school gates, helmet tucked under his arm, and leaning on the motorcycle parked behind him. As other students passed him by, they would indiscreetly turn their heads at the vehicle. It was understandable, especially when its rider sported unnatural hair, and he looked young enough to be a student but was without uniform. Soonyoung didn’t pay them any mind, though. His gaze was fixated on no one but Wonwoo. His eyes were sharp, and Wonwoo considered if those eyes could understand him at the deepest part of his consciousness. Had he known that Wonwoo was thinking about him?

 

“Do you have anywhere you need to be?” Soonyoung asked once Wonwoo was close enough to hear.

 

Wonwoo had cram school to attend, just like he would any other school day.

 

“No,” he lied.

 

“Good, there’s someplace I want to take you.”

 

Riding during the day was vastly different from riding at night. The most obvious difference was visual, but the most impactful difference was sensational. When the sun was down, Wonwoo was plunging into a dark abyss that swallowed him whole. Without being able to see much besides the street lights that passed them by as straight lines of evenly-spaced out fireflies, he felt nothingness, He almost felt senseless, as if his physical senses turned completely mental, because while his body was going numb, his chest was buzzing with a thrill.

 

Riding during the day meant that Wonwoo could see everything. He could see how fast he was speeding compared to the lazing cars surrounding the two of them. He could see pedestrians turn their heads at the loud engine coming from Soonyoung’s motorcycle, and keeping their eyes attached because of such reckless driving from such fearless adolescents. When he peeked through the drivers’ windows, he could see irritated figures flash him the finger, and he wanted to laugh. He was absolutely elated. He not only enjoyed that he was in his most liberated form, but he enjoyed that others were there to witness it happen. The pedestrians, the drivers, they were all proof that Wonwoo was living. This wasn’t just some wishful dream.

 

Watch me, he wanted to tell the world.

 

Watch me break away from everything.

 

Wonwoo followed an arm’s length behind Soonyong, pausing to look up at the rustic red walls of a warehouse that has long since been abandoned. The paint was chipped and covered with dust and dirt, and the vents no longer seemed functional. He questioned as to why Soonyoung might bring him to a place like this, but there had to be a reason. He trusted him. He had to.

 

As soon as Soonyoung heaved open the door, Wonwoo could hear voices coming from the inside. There were people in the warehouse, but he still couldn’t be sure of the reason for it. Though he was sure he was about to find out.

 

The interior was large and relatively empty save for a couple of red couches, a total of three people occupying those couches, and finally a table between them with various items on top of it. For being a warehouse without working lights, it was decently lit. There was a tear along the ceiling that allowed for sunlight to peek through. There was enough light that Wonwoo’s eyes didn’t need long to adjust to the sudden change in brightness as he stepped in.

 

As bright as it was, it was hazy, hindering Wonwoo from being able to see with complete clarity. It smelled, too. A scent that was slightly sour and slightly sweet filled the interior more so than the light. He didn’t recognize the scent, but seeing the three boys seated on the couches puffing out a wispy breath of smoke after taking a drag from small, white stubs lit at one end, he knew exactly what it was.

 

“Soonyoung, where have you been? You’re late!” said a boy with almost as heavy as a presence as Soonyoung. His hair and eyes were an obsidian black, the only one other than Wonwoo with undyed hair. He seemed to have a strong body, and even stronger eyes.

 

“I know, I know, I had to go save a damsel in distress, first.”

 

“Damsel? Do you mean that kid behind you?” another asked. The boy, definitely the tallest of the three, swept his eyes across Wonwoo’s body, down and up and down again. “He doesn’t look like a damsel.”

 

“Sure he does,” Soonyoung replied before turning to Wonwoo. “Just look at that pretty face,” he said as he pulled the boy forward by the arm.

 

All eyes were on Wonwoo, and he didn’t know where to look. His eyes darted from person to person until it finally landed on Soonyoung.

 

“I’m Wonwoo,” he said in Soonyoung’s direction as if wanting his approval.

 

He felt stupid as he said it. It was all he could come up with since he was so suddenly put on the spot. He felt even more stupid when he heard a burst of laughter.

 

“He’s cute,” the remaining boy said. He wouldn’t stop staring at Wonwoo’s eyes. Piercing, almost as much as Soonyoung’s. “Where’d you find him?”

 

Soonyoung chuckled as he placed both hands on Wonwoo’s shoulders.

 

“I snatched this kitten away from his own home. He was so miserable, you should have seen him. I just had to get him out of there.” He pushed Wonwoo toward the couches. “Want to have a better look?”

 

“Not bad,” said the boy with his gaze locked on Wonwoo. “Not bad at all.”

 

“Don’t get too close, Junhui. This one’s mine.”

 

“Alright, alright,” said Junhui as he threw his arms in the air. His words sounded apologetic, but he muttered them with a smile. What that smile meant, Wonwoo didn’t know.

 

Soonyoung gave the boy a long stare but then turned back to Wonwoo.

 

“You want to try something fun?”

 

If riding a motorcycle was like flying, being high was like being launched into the depths of the universe. He was floating in space while in the comfort of being on his own home planet. Time was moving slowly as if the universe was giving him more time to experience the moment. He felt light in both his body and mind. He was light, but he was also heavily diffusing into the couch. So much was happening, but at the same time, nothing was. When he turned to see Soonyoung, he just felt incredibly happy. He wanted to worship him, everything from the tips of his hair to the bottoms of his feet. He just wanted to worship him. He just wanted to kiss him, as the ultimate form of worship. So he did.

 

He leaned in without reserve until his lips found Soonyoung’s, but even then it didn’t feel like he was kissing him. He knew he was, but just knowing wasn’t enough to really know it was happening, even though he was watching it, his eyes cast downward enough to catch their lips connected together. It was warm and soft, and kind of how he imagined it to be. It became addicting the second he felt it against his skin, and for a moment he thought it was all he needed in his life. He moved his lips in a somewhat rhythmic motion but couldn’t help but think that he was being sloppy. Maybe he was, because Soonyoung pulled him closer, in a way that forced Wonwoo to end up straddling him. Somehow, it felt as if Soonyoung was in control even though Wonwoo was the one hovering over him, but Wonwoo didn’t mind. He probably liked it actually, because it meant Soonyoung wanted it too.

 

Wonwoo closed his eyes as Soonyoung pulled away from his lips and closed in on his neck. It felt weird, something hot and wet moving around on his skin, but it felt good enough for him to grasp onto Soonyoung’s hair. All he could focus was the feeling of Soonyoung’s tongue, no, Soonyoung’s teeth when they bit down hard. He gasped from the pain and the pleasure, wanting to do nothing but touch and be touched.

 

“God, he looks… delectable.”

 

Wonwoo turned to see the boy with strong eyes beside him now looking at him with longing. He couldn’t see any, but he swore there were hands coming out of those eyes reaching out to grab him.

 

“Go away, Choi Seungcheol. I told you he’s mine.”

 

Soonyoung made a bite mark just below the first as if to prove it. Wonwoo groaned.

 

“, Soonyoung.” Seungcheol his lips. “You’re making it really hard for me to resist.”

 

“Get your out of here. Make yourself useful and go throw yourself in a river or something.”

 

“Come on, did you just bring him to show off? The least you could do is share…”

 

What Soonyoung did next surprised Wonwoo, but it took some time for him to comprehend it, for several reasons. Soonyoung grabbed Seungcheol by the collar and kissed him too. On the lips. Wonwoo was still sitting on his lap, concentrating on what he was looking at. When the scene in front of him finally made sense, it didn’t. Why was Soonyoung kissing Seungcheol but not him?

 

Wonwoo got up, ignoring Soonyoung’s puzzled reaction. Wonwoo should have been the one confused, why was Soonyoung looking at him like that?

 

“ you,” he managed to mutter to him as he made his way to Junhui and Mingyu, if he remembered their names right. They were talking about aliens or something, but it wasn’t a topic he was interested in. He just wanted to spite Soonyoung. Was he being rash? It made perfect sense at the moment but at the same time he couldn’t help but question it.

 

The two boys paused their conversation when they noticed Wonwoo approach them, Mingyu calming down from his laughter and smiling brightly at him at first, but his smile fell when Wonwoo pushed him aside to get closer to Junhui.

 

He placed his index finger on Mingyu’s lips to quiet him before the boy even had a chance to speak.

 

“I don’t care about aliens,” he said.

 

“What are you doing?” Soonyoung’s voice was stern and sharp, cutting through the air and silencing everything. He was still holding onto Seungcheol’s collar.

 

“I don’t know,” Wonwoo replied. “You tell me,” he said as he crashed his lips into Junhui’s, who responded eagerly to the action, putting his hand on the nape of Wonwoo’s neck.

 

Junhui was warm, too. Warm and soft, but also firm. And also different. With Soonyoung, Wonwoo felt like he was melting, or at least he wanted to melt into his arms. With Junhui, his head was swirling and it was like he was continuously spinning. But that could have also been the weed.

 

As soon as he felt like he was getting somewhere, he felt himself being pulled away.

 

“We’re leaving.”

 

The words seethed out of Soonyoung’s mouth as he dragged Wonwoo away before anyone in the room had a chance to react. Before he knew it, Wonwoo had a helmet over his head and was behind Soonyoung. He questioned if this was dangerous, riding while high. It probably was. Probably, but it didn’t matter since they were going to ride regardless.

 

It was dizzying, the ride this time. Wonwoo was just waiting for a fall to happen, though it never did. He closed his eyes, feeling the gust that surrounded him. He knew he was accelerating, but he felt so calm, as if he were in the eye of a storm, the winds only gentle where he was, while destructive all elsewhere. He was safe, even if Soonyoung was dangerous. He trusted that he was. It was Soonyoung who showed him the world, after all.

 

“We’re here.”

 

Wonwoo opened his eyes to Soonyoung’s voice, which was drastically more gentle than before. Like he was never angered in the first place, or he was an entirely different person. So gentle Wonwoo could feel the words wrap around him to embrace him warmly. He liked this new, gentle Soonyoung almost as much as he liked the one rough around the edges.

 

The sun had set, but there was still a dim orange hue spread across on side of the sky, meaning they had been riding for hours. Wonwoo wasn’t sure where they would be when he opened his eyes, but it was surprisingly his own home. Wonwoo looked at Soonyoung in confusion. Had time really been that slow?

 

“How long were we on the road?”

 

“I don’t know. I lost track.”

 

He lost track. That meant they were riding for quite some time.

 

“Did we go somewhere?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then-”

 

“We went in circles. I just needed to clear my head.”

 

They stood close to each other and to the bike. For the first time, Wonwoo felt an awkwardness settle in the small space between them. He felt obligated to do something other than to stand still, so he shuffled a foot on the dirt. He looked down as he did it, since looking at Soonyoung was a bit difficult. Since when did he have such a hard time looking him in the eye? Maybe he was just too self-aware now that everything was gone from his system, and he was forced to return to an ugly, crystal-clear world.

 

“Why did you kiss him?”

 

“Huh? Him? You mean Junhui?”

 

“Who else?”

 

Wonwoo kept his head low. Confrontation was never anyone’s favorite moment, but it was especially intimidating when Soonyoung voice remained soft and gentle. As strong as Soonyoung seemed, Wonwoo felt like saying anything would hurt him, no matter what good reason he spouted.

 

He avoided answering. “Then why did you kiss Seungcheol?”

 

Soonyoung took a deep breath. Wonwoo could tell from the corner of his eye that Soonyoung was watching him intently. “Are you saying you kissed Junhui because I kissed Seungcheol?”

 

Wonwoo looked up slowly, unsure of how to prepare himself for what expression Soonyoung had. He imagined irritated or disappointed, but he didn’t know which of the two it would be. He didn’t know which he preferred either. When it was neither, he didn’t understand it.

 

Soonyoung was expressionless.

 

“Why, Soonyoung? Why did you kiss him?” asked Wonwoo, trying to egg him for an answer.

 

“I was giving him something he wanted so that he would leave us alone. So that he wouldn’t touch you.”

 

It still didn’t make sense. Wonwoo tried to think about it for a few seconds. For a few moments. But there wasn’t a logical path about it that he could follow. It wasn’t like math, where all he had to do was use an equation and work out an answer. How could he solve anything when he wasn’t given any sort of equation from the start?

 

“I don’t get it. How do you know he wanted you to kiss him? How did you know he would leave us alone after you kissed him?”

 

“He didn’t want to kiss me necessarily. He wanted you, but I wasn’t going to let him have you. I would have been good enough. And that’s just how we work. We give each other what we want. He wanted to make out, and I wanted him to leave. Give and take, as simple as that.”

 

“Simple… I still don’t… I  don’t get how it works, I don’t get your groups. I don’t get you, either, apparently.”

 

“You don’t have to get me.”

 

“I want to get you. I want to know you. I don’t just want you to show me new things about the world, I want you to show me new things about you.”

 

Soonyoung his motorcycle and got on it, keeping it upright with his body while it wasn’t yet moving. He turned to Wonwoo and pulled him in for a short kiss.

 

“I’ll see you later.”

 

Wonwoo watched him drive away into the dusk, unfazed by the smell of the exhaust that lingered at his spot. When he was sure he no longer heard the sound of the motor, he turned to face his house. The lack of lights, an ominous tree on the side, and the still broken window on the second floor made the house seem haunted almost. It was certainly scary in that it was the household in which Wonwoo was conditioned to live in such a robotic way. His life’s purpose was to study, but that purpose shattered along with the window. He didn’t feel like having it fixed. Not because of the hassle, but because it was a symbol of his new life. Though, with the tension that was between him and Soonyoung just a few minutes prior, he wasn’t sure this new life would last.

 

But Soonyoung had said ‘See you later,’ and not ‘Goodbye.’

 

All Wonwoo had to do was to try to understand Soonyoung better. If Soonyoung didn’t feel like answering Wonwoo’s questions, then Wonwoo would have to figure him all by himself. It was just like a jigsaw puzzle. All he had to do was pick up the pieces Soonyoung gave him and put them together until he saw a picture.

 

Simple.

 

But nothing is ever really all that simple.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In the morning, Wonwoo left for school, having nothing else he could think of doing by himself. He couldn’t just expect Soonyoung to show up if he waited, anyways. Only, when he attended the class, he couldn’t help but think of how pointless it was, and how much he did not want to be there. His impatience took over, and he found himself coming up with more reasons to leave than stay. He snuck out and left for home, only finding that there wasn’t much to do there either. The only thing he thought was how he wanted to see Soonyoung again, and if he willed it enough that maybe the boy would appear. Unfortunately, waiting didn’t make his lonesome self into two. He contemplated going to the warehouse to see if Soonyoung was there. Even without the boy, he trusted that he would be able to get there on his own. He wasn’t sure where he would go next if Soonyoung wasn’t there, or what to do if Soonyoung didn’t share the desire to see the other.

 

He went anyways, figuring that he would think of something when it happened.

 

He didn’t have a motorized vehicle, so he rode his bike there, trying to go by the landmarks he remembered. A left just before the large fountain, a right after passing the horse statue. It was tricky when he was making his way from his house instead of from his school like he did when Soonyoung took him there, but he somehow managed to find the rustic red building before too long. He parked his bike in the shade and dusted himself off before standing before the door. He took in a nervous breath before opening it.

 

The breath he released was more of a sigh of disappointment when he opened the door to an empty warehouse. None of the boys were there, although it looked like some of their belongings were. He felt as forgotten as the jacket sprawled on one of the couches.

 

Contrary to what his rationality was telling him, he walked up to the couches, eyes fixated on the jacket without an owner. His instinct told him that it was Soonyoung’s… and for some reason, he used that to justify picking it up to inspect it. To bury his face in it inhale deeply, even though he could only smell dust and weed. To try it on for himself and see how it fit on him, which was surprisingly well. To sit himself down on the couch while imagining that Soonyoung was there, hugging him as the jacket did. To close his eyes to liven his imagination, immersing himself in his newly emerging fantasy. He reached down to unbuckle his pants, in his mind it was Soonyoung doing it, and put a hand beneath his underwear, throwing his head back as he whispered Soonyoung’s name over and over again.

 

He dreamt of Soonyoung. At first, it was Wonwoo all alone. He was a fox in a metal cage, surrounded by nothing but white. He clawed at the sides, trying to escape since the cage wasn’t a place meant for a fox. No, he wasn’t supposed to be there. He should have been out in the woods, but instead, he was enclosed in a space that gave him little room to even adjust his position. He didn’t know why he was there, nor did he know who had put him there. But none of that mattered once he saw an entrancing tiger staring his way. That tiger, it was Soonyoung, Wonwoo recognized. The tiger approached the cage, and with one heavy strike with his massive paw, destroyed the cage that Wonwoo couldn’t even form a dent on. Wonwoo was able to stretch and jump and spin and run like he was never before able to. He vowed to follow the tiger for the rest of his life in gratuity, but when he followed the tiger’s footsteps, he felt a shock run through his muscles. His legs weakened at the realization that he had a shock collar, tight around his neck. But the tiger couldn’t understand why Wonwoo wasn’t following him, because the collar was buried by his thick fur, and because Wonwoo couldn’t voice any words. The tiger, unable to convince Wonwoo to come with him, left on his own, leaving Wonwoo behind.

 

“Wonwoo. You shouldn’t sleep here.”

 

“Soonyoung?” Wonwoo asked groggily as he opened an eye, his vision not quite clear yet.

 

“Junhui, actually. Nice to know you were thinking of me.”

 

Wonwoo blinked several times until he could recognize the boy in front of him as Junhui.

 

“Oh, it’s Junhui. What are you doing here?”

 

“What are you doing here? I just came because I realized I left my jacket here, but I came to a lost little lamb sleeping in it. And…” he looked at Wonwoo’s pants, although zipped, still unbuckled, “using it to . You know, if you liked that much, all you had to do was ask.”

 

Wonwoo’s eyes widened as he fumbled to buckle his pants. “Uh, sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

 

If Junhui’s laugh was any louder, Wonwoo thought the world would be able to hear it.

 

“You thought it was Soonyoung’s.”

 

Wonwoo felt his cheeks heating up. He never so badly wanted to hide in a pit before. He never so badly wanted to avoid someone for the rest of his life.

 

“Yeah,” he admitted eventually, the blood continuing to rush to his face.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

He didn’t want to be asked anything at the moment. It was hard to think straight when all he wanted to do was huddle in the corner of his bed under his covers.

 

“What does Soonyoung have that I don’t?”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, why won’t you come to me? We could have a lot of fun together, you know.”

 

That could have meant a lot of things. But the ambiguity in the statement made Wonwoo curious. Did Junhui have something more to offer than Soonyoung did? The temptation Wonwoo felt to follow Junhui, was it merely from a desire to find out, or was it a desire for Junhui?

 

“What kind of fun?”

 

Junhui’s house was large and beautiful, its interior carefully and thoughtfully decorated with paintings and treasures. Junhui’s room, however, was decorated with clothing messily tossed on the bed and desk chair. His room seemed almost unrelated to the rest of the house in terms of appearance. Wonwoo observed his surroundings, looking for anything that would confirm whether or not Junhui was a student since that was something he always wondered about. Had any of Soonyoung’s friends attended school? Or maybe they had graduated already? Come to think of it, he didn’t know anyone’s ages apart from Soonyoung’s. Would it be strange to ask?

 

“Pretty cool, huh?” Mingyu said with his arm around Wonwoo’s waist and chin resting on his shoulder.

 

Wonwoo had been eyeing a leather jacket hanging on the closet door. It looked a lot like the one he found at the warehouse, and he was finally starting to accept the fact that maybe he had indeed jacked off to Junhui’s jacket earlier, and not Soonyoung’s.

 

“Uh, yeah. I guess. But, anyways,” he looked around the room. “Why is everyone here but Soonyoung?”

 

Junhui stepped in just as the question was asked, and he set down on the table four glasses of water, one for each person.

 

“I invited Seungcheol because he’s the only one old enough to buy alcohol, and Mingyu… well, he’s a fun one to be around. You always want to invite this guy to a party.”

 

“But Soonyoung?”

 

“Forget about him for a bit,” Seungcheol said as he opened a bottle of soju. “If he was here, he would hog you all for himself.”

 

“Don’t scare him off, Seungcheol. We’re just here to drink.”

 

“Come on, Junhui, you got to play with him already, so why can’t I?”

 

“How about you give up before I kick your out of my house? No making a move on him unless he makes one on you first. Or I’ll tell Soonyoung.”

 

“Whoa, I was kidding,” Seungcheol chuckled nervously. “Don’t worry, I won’t lay a hand on him.”

 

“Anyways,” Junhui poured soju into a shot glass and handed it to Wonwoo. “I say it’s time for the first shot.”

 

Wonwoo accepted the glass and brought it up to his nose, making a face when he smelled its contents. Mingyu giggled beside him.

 

“It’s not supposed to smell good. Or taste good, really.”

 

Wonwoo made a questioning expression.

 

“Then, what’s the point?”

 

Junhui poured glasses for the others and handed them off.

 

“You’ll find out soon enough,” he said as he raised his glass. He tipped the glass quickly, swallowing the mouthful in one gulp. The others followed suit and just as quickly brought their glasses to Junhui for another shot.

 

Wonwoo closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then took the shot.

 

There was a game he remembered. A video game he played once when he was a child. Had he played it with friends? He couldn’t quite remember. In the game, the players were blobs… or had they been stuffed animals? That wasn’t an important detail. The point was that the controls were impossible and that there was no graceful way to maneuver the character on the screen. The controls constantly switched, so the ‘x’ button that once meant to raise right arm would turn into the button that would mean to keel over backward, and the ‘y’ button that once meant to jump would turn into the button that would mean to kick. It was how Wonwoo felt at the moment. He couldn’t control his body very well, no matter how hard he tried. His limbs felt loose, and he had no fine motor control for anything. When he turned his head, the visuals lagged. He knew he was turning, but his brain struggled to keep up with his vision. And then, there was his battle to comprehend what was being said, and what he himself was saying. In his normal state of mind, he would have found it all to be very annoying, but for some reason, he found it pleasant. He felt at ease, and he didn’t feel the need to think about anything too hard. There was something relaxing about it.

 

He saw Seungcheol suddenly handing Junhui a couple of bills, and when he tilted his head in confusion, Junhui said, “Seungcheol bet that you would be asleep by your third shot.”

 

Wonwoo nodded. That sounded reasonable. “What did you bet?”

 

“That you wouldn’t be.”

 

It almost seemed like that was the obvious answer, and for some reason, Wonwoo found it hilarious. He chuckled, but soon after had a giggling fit. Mingyu joined him, slapping his knees in ecstasy. Wonwoo didn’t think Mingyu had even heard the conversation that Wonwoo found so funny, but shrugged the thought off.

 

“Can I ask you something?” asked Mingyu when the two recovered from laughing.

 

“Me? What do you want to know?”

 

“What do you feel about Junhui?”

 

“Junhui? You mean him?” Wonwoo pointed a wobbly finger at Junhui. “Why?”

 

“Because you pushed me away to make-out with him, don’t you remember? Why did you choose him over me, anyways? I’m way hotter.”

 

Wonwoo heard Junhui yell “Shut up, Mingyu, you’re the only one who thinks that way!” as he recalled the instance. It didn’t take long at all to remember what he had done, but he couldn’t figure out why he had done it. What was he thinking at the time? He wasn’t sure if he had much of a thought process at the time. Or if he had one now.

 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.” Wonwoo took another shot, scrunching his face when it burned his throat. “Are you and Junhui a thing?”

 

“What? Nah, Junhui doesn’t do real relationships. He doesn’t like the whole commitment thing.”

 

“Ohhh, okay… Are you like that too?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t mind commitment, but it’s fun either way, I guess. Why, do you want to give it a go with me?”

 

It didn’t completely register to Wonwoo that he was asked a question, but when he realized it, he didn’t find it worth answering.

 

“So Junhui doesn’t do relationships, and Mingyu sometimes does relationships… What about Soonyoung?”

 

“Soonyoung?” Seungcheol pushed aside Mingyu, who toppled over, but then stayed on the ground not trying hard, or at all, to get up. “Aren’t you curious about me?”

 

Seungcheol scoffed, more amused than offended. “Me?

“You’re weird…”I’m weird? Why am I the weird one?”

 

Wonwoo looked at Mingyu, who looked like he was comfortable on the floor. He might have been cuddling the rug, but Wonwoo wasn’t interested. He just suddenly felt strange being in a room with Junhui, Mingyu, and Seungcheol, but without Soonyoung. It was wrong.

 

“Wonwoo? Are you okay? Did you hear my question?”

 

Wonwoo squinted at Seungcheol. “I don’t like you. Can’t you tap out for Soonyoung?”

 

“Do you really like him that much more than me?”

“Yeah. He’s cool. And really hot.” Wonwoo gasped in amazement when he realized those had opposite definitions. “Wow, cool and hot at the same time. He’s amazing.”

 

Wonwoo watched as Junhui leaned over to whisper something into Seungcheol’s ear, the boy smiling at what was said. The two then looked at Wonwoo.

 

“Hey, Wonwoo, what do you feel about Soonyoung?”

 

“Soonyoung? He’s…”

 

“He’s?”

 

There were no words that Wonwoo could think of that could adequately describe Soonyoung, or what Wonwoo thought of him. Soonyoung was everything Wonwoo wanted to be: someone who has confidence and charisma, someone who is respected, someone who knows what they want out of their life… everything Wonwoo was not. Soonyoung was the impossible that Wonwoo strived for.

 

“He’s magical,” Wonwoo managed to slur out, unable to say much more. That last shot was starting to affect his ability to speak or stay awake.

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

Wonwoo smiled, thinking about if Soonyoung was there with them.

 

“He’s too magical to be real. He came out of nowhere, and I just want… him.”

 

“Doesn’t that mean you have feelings for him?”

 

“Does it?”

 

“I think it does,” Mingyu chimed in with a gleeful smile.

 

Wonwoo’s smile, however, slowly disappeared. He was getting dizzy from tiredness, and the dizzying questions were of no help. He suddenly found it hard to concentrate on even keeping his eyes open. It meant he had feelings for Soonyoung?

 

Does it?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The winds were strong at 50 meters above the ground, and Wonwoo held onto the railing, unsure of whether he really wanted to go through with this. His safety vest felt bulky, preventing him from clinging closely to the stable metal poles that he could rely on for safety. He wanted a thrill, but this was too extreme. He couldn’t see how it would be fun to dive from so high up in a mock-fall to the ocean. Who could ever muster the courage to jump after seeing how far up they were?

 

“Come on, Wonwoo. You’ll love it.”

 

Soonyoung, apparently. According to him, part of the excitement came from looking down to see how far you would fall.

 

“What if I hate it? Then what?”

 

“You won’t.”

 

“What makes you so sure?”

 

Soonyoung held out his hand.

 

“Once you face death’s door and come out alive, you’ll keep wanting to visit. There’s nothing more exciting than this. Trust me.”

 

Trust was something Wonwoo handed over to him a long time ago. Why was he hesitating now? Soonyoung hadn’t been wrong before. Wonwoo couldn’t let his fears prevent him from his desires. He took Soonyoung’s hand.

 

“I trust you.”

 

With a confirming smile, Soonyoung walked over to the ledge, where a worker was waiting for them.

 

“Good. I’ll go first. Watch me.”

 

The worker hooked on the heavy cords onto Soonyoung’s feet and then asked if he was ready. Soonyoung responded with a confident nod and gave Wonwoo a smirk before he tilted his body backward off the ledge. He spread his arms out as he fell, as if he was ready to take flight. Wonwoo meant to count the seconds it would take for Soonyoung to bounce back, just to prepare himself for his own jump, but he was too intrigued by Soonyoung so gracefully falling. It sounded like a paradox, but Wonwoo was watching the impossible happen.

 

For not being the one falling down, it was weird that Wonwoo was feeling time slow down. To be more exact, it was as if he could take in more of his surroundings, and take in more of everything that could be taken in. The way the winds sent a mild chill down his skin, and the way Soonyoung looked so chillingly striking in the air. He was mesmerized even as Soonyoung’s bounces came to a steady stop and the was slowly lowered onto a boat, and was only brought back to attention when the worker beside him waved a hand over his face.

 

“Huh? What?”

 

“I said, are you ready?”

 

He had momentarily forgotten that he was as high up as he was, being so distracted by Soonyoung beforehand, and his escaped nerves started gradually returning to his gut. He gulped. He decided he should jump now before he would be too scared to. The longer he waited, the more the tension would build, so jumping sooner was better. Besides, Soonyoung was watching. Yes, he wanted Soonyoung to watch him do the things he asked of him. He wanted to please him, and he felt this desire start to overtake the stubborn feeling of doom residing in his core.

 

He made his way to the edge and waited until the cords were secured to his feet. He leaned over, to try to see once again how high he was, but stopped himself before he saw it. He didn't want to lose the resolve he had from something so stupid like looking down. He should just close his eyes, like Soonyoung did, and lean over more and more until…

 

His feet felt light, no longer sensing the pressure required to hold his body up. There was a brief second of panic, and Wonwoo couldn't help but think he was diving to his death. The feeling of freefall was something absolutely terrifying, and as tempted as he was to open his eyes to watch his fate, they were glued shut. It was as if the blood pumping rapidly through his veins were keeping them closed. He began to think that he must have been in limbo because the duration fall seemed to never end, but he didn't feel like he was dead yet. Maybe he wasn't.

 

Then, there was an immense tension at his feet. The bungee cord was pulling him, slowing down his fall. It seemed slow, like a painful pull of taffy, but at the same time, he felt himself being flung upwards before he knew it. His sense of time was as boggled as his mind as he started bouncing up and down, finally convinced that he was still alive in the world he knew.

 

Only when he felt himself get lowered did he open his eyes, seeing the world in a flipped point of view.

 

“So?” asked Soonyoung when Wonwoo met up with him again.

 

Wonwoo smiled, remembering the exhilarating moment of falling without restraint. Soonyoung was right. He loved it.

 

“Let's do it again.”

 

They do it again, and again, and again, neither of them getting tired of it, and neither wanting to quit. They only stopped when the both of them ran out of money, and the sun was bidding them goodbye. It was a sign for them to part ways, but since when did the either of them listen to anything any sign had to tell them?

 

“Do you want to come over to my place?”

 

Soonyoung had almost whispered it, his voice just heavy enough so that the wind couldn’t blow it away. There was a hint of seriousness in the tone he used, one that Wonwoo couldn’t be sure he heard before. He instinctively knew what Soonyoung was asking, but was hesitant on whether he should trust that instinctive thought. Or if he should take Soonyoung’s offer when he had a nagging thought at the back of his head that told him that maybe what he was doing was a bit reckless given that he had known Soonyoung for barely a week.

 

He agreed anyways.

 

There was something about Soonyoung subtly biting his lip that Wonwoo couldn’t resist, that he just couldn’t pull himself away from. He wanted to bite it too, that soft, plump bottom lip displayed so proudly, testing for himself just how soft it would be between his teeth. He leaned in, closing his eyes, wondering if they were the only two people in that house. Or if it mattered, really. Soon his thoughts jumbled into a muddled mess and he wasn’t able to string together any coherent thoughts.

 

Soonyoung’s lips were softer than he remembered. And warmer. Everything was so different from the first time they kissed. His head was clearer, but much more cluttered. He could feel everything with more fervor, his own heartbeat telling him to slow down, though he had absolutely no intention to. There was something about every touch that sent tingles to his skin. They were sparks sending a fire throughout his body, stirring his mind and his muscles. As they moved their lips, following each other’s pace, going harder with every increment of time, he wanted more, to be able to take in all of Soonyoung. There was a greed manifesting within him, ready to pounce, but Soonyoung attacked first.

 

Soonyoung pushed him down, Wonwoo flopping heavily onto the couch. Before Wonwoo had time to grasp what was happening, Soonyoung hovered over him and he was left hypnotized. Soonyoung was extremely sensual, Wonwoo noted, as Soonyoung dipped down to bite his neck. Wonwoo tilted his head the other way to give him more access, and Soonyoung gladly accepted it.

 

Wonwoo held in a groan, the sound refusing to come out when he was much more conscious about it. But holding it in intensified the sensation he could feel on his neck, Soonyoung’s sharp teeth sinking into his flesh, again at his collarbone, and a hot tongue trailing down his chest as Soonyoung ed his shirt. It became harder to keep a steady breath, but it was even harder to not notice the heat rushing below his abdomen.

 

He opened his eyes, seeing in front of him a sly smile upon a lightly panting Soonyoung, and finding himself incredibly aroused. He wanted Soonyoung to touch him, burning his skin with every graze. He wanted to give himself up entirely, every bit of his wit and soul, to the boy in front of him. He contemplated if what they were doing was risky, but did he really care? After all, risk was where the excitement came from.

 

it, he thought as he decided to let Soonyoung do with him as he wanted.

 

He opened his eyes after convincing himself that Soonyoung was asleep. Why he felt the need to sneak like that probably had to do with the nagging feeling in the back of his head from before. Kwon Soonyoung was dangerous, in more ways than one. Why his rationality suddenly decided to kick in now, of all times, Wonwoo couldn’t be completely sure of. But he had a feeling that it had something to do with a realization that he had.

 

Wonwoo felt like he found a new self that came with accepting Soonyoung’s hand, which is exactly what he wanted. But something else came with the new Wonwoo, and that was something he felt for Soonyoung. He realized, within the past few hours, that maybe what he felt for him was something more than admiration and gratitude. He didn’t know if it was infatuation or a real bond he felt, but he had an unpleasant feeling that it was more of the prior, but it wasn’t something he could truly confirm, especially if he didn’t know what Soonyoung thought about it. Thinking back to it, they had an agreement in the beginning, that Wonwoo belonged to Soonyoung, but they had never established anything more than that. Why had Soonyoung chosen to claim him in the first place? What they were doing, how long was it supposed to last? At what point would all of it not be so fun anymore?

 

Did any part of Soonyoung belong to Wonwoo?

 

Wonwoo looked at Soonyoung’s sleeping face, much more soft and innocent than the awake version. The sleeping Soonyoung was an unfamiliar Soonyoung, but Wonwoo felt something for him nonetheless. Soonyoung was someone special, it that was something Wonwoo realized when they first met. He was different, and untouchable. And yet, Wonwoo was able to touch him because he became Soonyoung’s property.

 

He hated the thought, when not an ounce of Soonyoung he could claim as his. Not his person, not his heart. Were things different now than they had been in the beginning? Had Soonyoung’s opinion’s changed? What was his opinion from the start? Wonwoo didn’t know, and it was frustrating. Such a soft expression was in front of him, but it was, in reality, a hard shell he couldn’t quite crack. He reached out to touch it, gently rubbing Soonyoung’s cheeks. It was so easy, touching him physically like this, but why couldn’t he touch his heart?

 

Soonyoung was a free spirit. That much Wonwoo knew. What he didn’t know until that moment, however, was that he himself was just as imprisoned as he had always been. Instead of his hands being chained to a school desk, his soul was chained to Soonyoung. Had he made a pact with the devil without realizing it?

 

He had to leave. A fear crept into his mind, that the two of them would settle into the routine he so detested, of Soonyoung claiming and Wonwoo questioning, and he just felt the need to escape before it happened. He carefully got out of the bed, trying not to disturb Soonyoung’s sleep, and scavenged for his clothes scattered on the ground, putting them on as he found them. He wasn’t abandoning Soonyoung, but he had to be away from him. As much as he was fine with following Soonyoung’s tail, without knowing if or when he would be discarded, he would be harboring an unsettling thought whenever he was with Soonyoung. He could ask, of course, what he meant to Soonyoung.

 

But the fear of hearing an unwanted answer overcame his hope of hearing what he wanted.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The most logical thing to do to detach himself from Soonyoung was to find freedom by himself. That was the solution Wonwoo came up with in order to escape his uncertain feelings. But for Wonwoo, who grew up with such a routine lifestyle, it was hard for him to think outside of his normal. What else was there for him to try? Countless things, no question… but what? Dejected by his lack of creativity, he called Mingyu to meet him. Junhui had called him “fun”, so maybe he would be able to help Wonwoo find a way to sever his attachment to Soonyoung.

 

The two found themselves at the peak of a small mountain, facing its downside. Mingyu was on his professional mountain bike, sleek and black, and if it weren’t for the fact that he told Wonwoo he owned the bike for two years already, Wonwoo would have believed it was brand new, bought barely two weeks ago. It was surprising, the contrast between the impression Mingyu gave and the person he might have been. Despite his clumsy appearance, it seemed he maintained things decently well. His bike and his tidy hair were proof enough of it.

 

Wonwoo was on Mingyu’s old bike, still quite sturdy and functional. Another piece of evidence that told him that maybe Mingyu put more care into things than it seemed. The idea to go mountain biking was Mingyu’s. Apparently, it had been his hobby since childhood, and for some reason, it amazed Wonwoo that there was something that Mingyu held onto for such a long time. For someone who seemed like a follower, a pushover, someone without ambition, Mingyu must have had quite some dedication to this hobby. Maybe Wonwoo was wrong about him. Maybe he was wrong about a lot of things. He couldn’t say with any confidence that he really knew anyone. Not Mingyu, not Junhui, certainly not Seungcheol. As much as he wanted to know Soonyoung, he couldn’t say he knew him either. Nor could he say he even knew himself.

 

He tightened his grip on the bike handles as he looked out at the rugged landscape in front of him. The slopes looked especially bumpy, but that was just what he wanted. He couldn’t distract himself if the ride was smooth. He closed his eyes, imagining the bike going up and down the rough terrain. If he were to fall, there wouldn’t be any ropes to hold him back. There was a sense of danger, and he felt the blood start to rush through his veins from expectation.

 

“Ready?”

 

Wonwoo nodded in response.

 

“Then just follow my lead, okay?”

 

It was strange hearing it from Mingyu’s mouth. Mingyu, who, until that day, Wonwoo could never see as someone who could lead. But right then, with just the two of them on the mountains, he seemed reliable. Wonwoo wanted to trust him.

 

“Okay.”

 

With a foot on a pedal, and the other launching himself off, he accelerated down the mountain, trailing just behind Mingyu. He knew it would be bumpy, but he realized he wasn’t exactly prepared for it. He had no idea how to control himself. Even though Wonwoo was following the same path, Mingyu looked sturdy while Wonwoo could barely keep his balance. He thought he would get thrown off the bike at any moment, but he retained enough steadiness by keeping his eyes on Mingyu’s back. It was smooth and broad and probably ideal. It was definitely an admirable back, but Wonwoo still preferred Soonyoung’s

 

Wonwoo mentally slapped himself. Why was he thinking about Soonyoung again? The whole point of this was to stop thinking about him.

 

The ride downhill was over quickly, but Wonwoo realized he couldn’t remember much of it. He was so distracted by his own thoughts that he didn’t focus on the ride. It must not have been extreme enough for him to abandon his thoughts. He needed something more, something hard, something riskier.

 

“Can we do a harder course?”

 

When Wonwoo looked down, he could immediately notice the difference in levels between the path he took and the path in front of him. This path was much steeper, much longer, and much rockier. He felt a smile emerge and a familiar feeling of fear and anticipation overcame his body. Yes, this was what Soonyoung had given him. But see, he could achieve the same feeling without him. He propelled his bike forward behind Mingyu.

 

He didn’t need Kwon Soonyoung to be free.

 

“Hey, Wonwoo? Don’t you think that’s enough?”

 

They had gone through somewhere around twelve rides down the mountain from various peaks, and Mingyu was starting to look exhausted. Wonwoo was too, but despite his heavy muscles, he didn’t want to stop. Even though they kept challenging harder and longer paths, he couldn’t find the same thrilling sensation as when he was with Soonyoung. There was something missing, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. The excitement and adrenaline were there for sure. It was dissatisfying, going through so many paths to find that none of them gave him what he wanted. He had to try something else. Something that would allow him to live without him feeling that maybe Soonyoung had him by the reins. Something that gave him the sensations he sought.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“You want to know something that’s really exciting? Cheating.”

 

Wonwoo looked at Junhui through the white wisps of smoke between them. The lighting, or maybe it just their surroundings in general, made Junhui seem more attractive than usual that day.

 

“Like on a test?”

 

“On a person, .”

 

Oh, that made sense. Probably. Maybe. Cheating on a test would be stressful, considering all of the things at stake. Expulsion for being caught, mainly. Cheating on a person… what would it be like?

 

“But wait, Mingyu said you weren’t into relationships.”

 

Junhui lifted a brow as he ran a gentle hand through Wonwoo’s hair. “And?”

 

“How would you know what it’s like to cheat if you’ve never been in a relationship?”

 

Junhui frowned for half a second before concealing the expression with a smirk.

 

“No one ever said I never had a relationship before.”

 

For Wonwoo, who ended up firmly believing, based on his own assumptions, that Junhui had never even thought about dating, this was a shock. The confusion must have been excessively apparent on his face, as Junhui shook his head, a hand covering his face accompanied by a scoff.

 

“I guess you haven’t heard about Lee Seokmin?”

 

“Lee… Seokmin?”

 

“You’re not the first person Soonyoung brought over, you know.”

Wonwoo had thought about it, that there were likely others before, that there were definitely others before, but with Junhui’s confirmation, he felt a weight in his chest sink down to his stomach. If that wasn’t unpleasant enough, when Junhui continued, the weight pulled itself back up again, all the way to his throat.

 

“What about Seokmin, then? What happened with him?”

 

“A lot,” Junhui sighed. “A lot more than was necessary probably. Long story short, Seokmin joined the group because Soonyoung wanted him to. And we all have a good time together. But then sometime in between, he drops a love confession on me and we decide to go out.”

 

Junhui had a relationship with Seokmin. Junhui had a relationship. There was a moment of time that passed that Soonyoung was grateful Junhui allowed since he had to soak in the thought. That the Junhui that seemed so flippant was in an actual relationship at some point in time.

 

But there was a reason Junhui was telling him this story. It wasn’t just to tell him he had experience dating someone.

 

“You cheated on him.”

 

Instead of a look of guilt that most would harbor from such an accusation, Junhui had a look of smugness.

 

“What can I say? If a hottie comes your way, you don’t refuse. It would be such a waste to turn them down, don’t you think?”

 

Wonwoo bit his lip. “But what about Seokmin’s feelings? Didn’t you consider that?”

 

“The thing is,” Junhui chuckled. “You try your hardest not to get caught.” He then lowered his voice to almost a whisper. “That’s what makes it exciting.”

 

“Did you ever get caught?”

 

His smile faded, but he didn’t look upset. “Yeah, eventually. Seokmin left after finding out about it, and Soonyoung got pretty pissed at me for making him leave. But it’s not like I forced him out or anything, he left on his own! But anyways, I guess that was the last official relationship I’ve been in.”

“Oh,” Wonwoo responded, in a small state of stupor not knowing if this was the time to comfort Junhui or not. Thankfully, he didn’t have to make that decision.

 

“But that wasn’t the point. The point was, you could cheat of Soonyoung if you really wanted to do something exciting in your life.”

 

A dry laugh bellowed through the air, and it took a moment for Wonwoo to realize it was his own voice. The idea was just so ridiculous to him. To cheat on Soonyoung?

 

“How am I supposed to cheat on someone I’m not going out with?”

 

The silence lingered for longer than necessary, Wonwoo thought. He was almost convinced that Junhui hadn’t heard him until he said something in response.

 

“What do you mean you’re not going out with him?”

 

The question was all it took for Wonwoo’s resolve to waiver. He could no longer convince himself that he was doing the right thing. He couldn’t even convince himself that he knew what he was doing. He revealed all of his thoughts to Junhui. He revealed everything that happened from the time he met Soonyoung, to the last time he saw him. He revealed what his life was like before meeting Soonyoung, his confinement to repetition, and how it changed after. He revealed his jumbled emotions when he was around Soonyoung, how he felt almost more trapped than before. He revealed that he didn’t know how to approach the problem other than to get rid of his attachment to Soonyoung, but nothing as of yet was working.

 

As he was telling Junhui of his deepest concerns, he realized that he had grown much too attached to Soonyoung in much too short of a time period and that he what he was doing was nothing but evasion. He was evading the problem, rather than confronting it, but he wondered if it was a valid solution he could take. Avoiding Soonyoung for as long as he could until he truly acquired that freedom he so longed for from the very start.

 

He had come thus far. What would happen if he went crawling back to him at this point? Would Soonyoung even want him back? Did he really want him in the beginning?

 

“You’re overthinking things.”

 

Wonwoo snapped out of his thoughts, focusing his vision on an amused Junhui.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re way way way overthinking things. Just take everything as it comes. No need to think so hard about it. So you like Soonyoung and want to have fun with him. Go and do fun things with him. If you just keep avoiding him, he’s going to get over you. I mean, what makes you think you’re so special that he would wait for you until you figure your feelings out?”

 

“But what if he doesn’t want me now?”

 

“Why do you think he agreed to play along with you in the first place, then?”

 

“Because I asked. Why else?”

 

Junhui sighed. “Okay, then just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Avoid Soonyoung. Go bike down mountains again. Go bungee jumping again. Jump off the 63 Building if that’s not enough. See if I care. But you know, by the time you get over your little emotional crisis,” Junhui’s glaze suddenly became threatening. “Soonyoung will be mine.”

 

Junhui’s gaze sent a chill down Wonwoo’s spine. The Junhui that Wonwoo came to befriend, the Junhui he came for advice, he suddenly looked like an enemy. Wonwoo swallowed the nerves that crawled up to his throat.

 

He couldn’t help but think, with how aggressive Junhui’s last statement was, that perhaps Junhui didn’t actually like Wonwoo. That Junhui was just waiting for his turn, that once Soonyoung was bored of Wonwoo, he could have at him. That Junhui was in love with Soonyoung for who knows how long, and Wonwoo was only in the way.

 

“Is that…” Wonwoo proceeded with caution. “Is that the reason you don’t do relationships?”

 

“Is what the reason?”

 

“You… You’re in love with Soonyoung.”

 

Junhui’s eyes widened and then squinted. He tilted his head to one side in consideration, but after comprehending the meaning of the words, he began cracking up, as if Wonwoo’s statement was the funniest thing he heard in years. Wonwoo could even see tears welling in the corners of his eyes waiting to fall before Junhui wiped them away.

 

“Me? In love with Soonyoung? Please.” He laughed some more, holding his stomach. “I was kidding. Don’t take everything I say so seriously.”

 

He continued to laugh as if he had gone mad, but Wonwoo’s head felt light despite his chest feeling heavy, and he was starting to feel a bit mad, as well. So the two of them, no longer having any content to their voices, laughed the night away like two madmen unable to grasp the cold ropes of reality.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

His throat burned from the drink going too far down the wrong pipe. Even if it was water, it would have burned enough, but since it was soju, it was that much worse. He wondered if alcohol actually burned off some off the tissue of his trachea, or if all of the painful scratchiness came from his hacking. He watched the tap run as he supported himself on the cold, glazed porcelain, trying to distract himself from the passing time. He was still hunched over, trying to cough out the last of the liquid as Seungcheol patted his back.

 

“If you need to throw up-”

 

“I’m not going to throw up,” he snapped, not exactly meaning to sound so harsh, but not feeling that guilty for it either. “The sink’s fine. I just… need a moment.”

 

Wonwoo inhaled slowly and deeply, trying to assess how well he could breathe without going into another coughing fit. He probably wouldn’t have choked so much if he drank from a shot glass instead of the bottle. With his lack of bodily control, it was no wonder he tipped the thing too far and gave himself a mouthful he couldn’t bear. But Seungcheol had made it look so easy.

 

Wonwoo cleared his throat, feeling certain he was done with his choking session.

 

“Do you want water?”

 

“I don’t need anything. I’m fine now.”

 

Seungcheol moved Wonwoo’s bangs out of his face and inspected it closely.

 

“Are you sure-”

 

Wonwoo slapped away Seungcheol’s hand and tried to, without touching him, squeeze through the open space of the bathroom entrance, but that open space was too soon blocked by Seungcheol’s arm.

 

“Hey, kid.” Seungcheol’s tone sounded a little heavier, and Wonwoo felt a tinge of discomfort. “Not that I want to tell you how to live your life, but if someone’s concerned about your well-being, don’t you think you should be a little nicer to them? Not to mention, I’m older than you. Where is your respect?”

 

Wonwoo never forgot that Seungcheol was the older one, but he never saw it more than a fact. He never considered Seungcheol as someone holding more esteem than he, since he wasn’t introduced Seungcheol’s age in the beginning, and especially since he wasn’t particularly fond of him. Even considering giving Seungcheol respect for his age made Wonwoo make a face from the sour taste that it brought to his mouth.

 

“What have you ever done to make me respect you? So you were born a little earlier. What an accomplishment.”

 

Wonwoo tried pushing Seungcheol’s arm from the wall so he could pass through, but boy was stronger than he expected.

 

“You’re getting arrogant. I’m telling you this for your own good, okay? Stop trying to be Soonyoung.”

 

“What makes you think I’m trying to be like him?”

 

“For one, you’re trying to intimidate me right now. It wasn’t even that long ago that you were just a cub, but now you’re trying to be the alpha of the pack. And if that’s not enough, you’re here with me because you wanted to drink when you had your first shot just the other day. You just seem like you’re rushing things, and frankly, I can’t tell if you’re doing things to do them or because you actually like doing them.”

 

Was that what he was doing? Trying to be the person he was too attached to in order to pull away from him? There was a point to what he was doing. Everything he did was supposed to be a distraction. A way to wean himself from Soonyoung. But if it meant he was becoming like Soonyoung, like Seungcheol said, then he wasn’t really weaning himself from anything.

 

“I just wanted to experience life to its fullest like he does.”

 

“Experience life to the…” Seungcheol furrowed his brows. “Oh, no. That’s not why he…”

 

He paused for too long. Wonwoo waited for him to continue, but it didn’t seem like he was going to.

“What is it? If you have something to say, then say it.”

 

“It’s not my place to say.”

 

Wonwoo scoffed. “Then you shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.”

 

Seungcheol finally lowered his arm and allowed Wonwoo to pass through.
 

“You’re right. I wasn’t thinking… Sorry. Just… it’s not what you think. Soonyoung, he…”

 

He paused again, and Wonwoo was done. He lost his patience and didn’t want to stay with Seungcheol any longer. Not that he really wanted to in the first place. Wonwoo took a half-filled soju bottle on his way out, Seungcheol neither stopping him from leaving or taking the alcoholic drink.

 

Wonwoo needed something else.

 

Something stronger.

 

Anything.

 

“Sir, I can’t let you go up there for safety reasons.”

 

“Why the hell not?”

 

A worker pulled him away from the desk, but Wonwoo broke loose and marched straight back up to it. He signed his name, illegibly, on the waiver form.

 

“Look, I signed the waiver! I signed it! My name is right here, Jeon Wonwoo. That’s me! I know my risks! Now let me jump!”

 

The same worker pulled him away again, and Wonwoo responded by trying to wrestle his way out of his grip. He squirmed and thrashed around, but the worker was too strong.

 

“Sir, I believe you’re intoxicated. I think it’s best that you head home. You’re in no condition to jump.”

 

“Let go of me! I need to jump to get rid of these goddamn feelings! I don’t need them!”

 

“Sir! Please stop or I’ll have to call the police!”

 

If they called the police, he would be taken away. The mere thought of being physically imprisoned was daunting enough for Wonwoo to freeze. “Police? Why?”

 

“You’re causing a disturbance. Please go home for the day.”

 

“But-”

 

“We’ll call a taxi for you. You can come back and jump when you’re sober.”

 

Wonwoo huffed as he shrugged off the worker’s arms. “I’m leaving.”

 

He turned around too quickly, falling to the floor when his vision couldn’t quite keep up with his motion, and his feet wouldn’t respond quickly enough to catch his falling body. The fall didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would, despite the loud thud he heard.

 

“Sir-”

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

He stumbled as he got up but was able to make it out of the door on his own. As long as he didn’t turn his head, he could keep his balance fine. When he got to the main street, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through the contacts before remembering that he never asked for Soonyoung’s number. But he wasn’t supposed to contact Soonyoung, anyways. Not until he took care of his emotions. He called Seungcheol instead.

 

“Hey, Wonwoo, I’m so glad you called! Look, I’m sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“They won’t let me jump.”

“... What?”

 

“I said, they won’t let me jump!”

 

“Who’s they? And jump where?”

 

“I just wanted to jump so that my feelings would go away.”

 

“Wonwoo, what are you talking about? You’re not home, are you? Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

 

“Why won’t these feelings go away?”

 

“Wonwoo, can you hear me? What do you mean by jump?”

 

Wonwoo held the end-call button for longer than necessary, the phone shutting off in the process, but he didn’t want to hear Seungcheol’s voice anymore. It annoyed him. He wasn’t sure why he called Seungcheol in the first place. He was just the first person he thought of calling, but that was probably because he was the last person Wonwoo was with.

 

As he walked along the pavement he waved a hand loosely in the air above him until a taxi stopped by the curb. But when he opened the door and smelled the strange scent wafting from the interior, he felt sick. He apologized to the cab driver, who grumbled in displeasure right before Wonwoo was able to shut the door.

 

Wonwoo breathed deeply, trying to sooth his nausea, but the smell of food from a nearby restaurant wasn’t helping. He walked as briskly as he could manage without falling over, escaping from the meaty fumes, but even when the scent was gone, his nausea was still there with nowhere to go but the bush he found on his left. He didn’t throw-up much, but enough to be able to be able to think of something other than how sick he felt. Surprisingly and unfortunately, as gross as he felt from the alcohol in his system, it was somehow better than the queasiness he felt from thinking of Soonyoung.

 

He watched as cars passed him by, paying him no mind. The pedestrians as well. No one was looking his way. It had felt so good before to be watched, but now, he was almost glad he didn’t have much of a presence. Was it because Soonyoung wasn’t with him that he lacked such confidence? There was no doubt that everything that happened to him so far was because of Soonyoung, but were the sensations he felt also?

 

Soonyoung was special. Wonwoo had already established this. But what exactly was it that made him special?

 

Wonwoo caught a sign in the corner of his eye that made him turn his head, thankfully not so quickly that he lost his balance. He was in front of the famed 63 Building. When he looked up, he couldn’t confirm that there were 63 floors, but he couldn’t deny it made other buildings seem puny in comparison. His heart thumped harshly from surveying the building, knocking some of the wind out of him. He looked at the entrance as his heart grew wilder, and he deliberated if that was a sign for him to go in, or a warning to stay out. His curiosity got the best of him.

 

He stumbled into the elevator and pressed the button to close the doors. He stilled at a certain position, leaning against the wall for support as his finger hovered over the button for the highest floor. He was only going to look. Nothing more. There was no shame in that, in a desire to satisfy his curiosity. He had to keep telling himself this, almost as if he had to persuade himself not to do anything more than look. But that was his only intention. To just… look.

 

He pressed the button.

 

Despite the elevator being speedy compared to most, it still took a considerable amount of time to reach the top, though Wonwoo’s judgment on that could have been partly due to his sense of time being gone. For all he knew, the elevator might have taken seconds to reach the top. Within that timeframe, whatever it was, he kept whispering to himself that he only meant to look. He only wanted to look and then come back down. That was all, he promised the air.

 

The ding of the elevator echoed briefly as it came to a stop. The doors opened, and Wonwoo stepped out, looking for the set of stairs to the rooftop. When he found it, he climbed up, each step feeling heavier and heavier. But the thumping of his heart seemed harsher than the thumping of his steps. A rattling began in his chest, and it spread throughout his body. He could feel his hands tremble against the rail. He didn’t know why he was nervous when he promised himself that he wouldn’t do anything. At least, that was what he told himself.

 

That was a lie.

 

Instinctively, he knew why. It was because there was something in the back of his mind that was compelling him to do something overwhelmingly dangerous. He felt small, and powerless. He could almost feel the wind mocking him when it made a noise against the entrance to the roof. Was it a challenge, or was it a threat?

 

He trudged on, taking the last final steps upward. He took the cold metal knob and a final deep breath…

 

Wonwoo laid down in defeat, his heart calming down after getting so worked up. When he had looked down just a few moments before, swaying from the winds and his incapability to control his limbs fully, his entire body was shaken with terror. It sobered him up immediately, and he stepped away from the edge with his tail between his legs. He called himself a coward, more so for coming up here in the first place than for not jumping. Not that he was ever going to. But that was why he was a coward. He came whilst knowing that he wouldn’t follow through the idea he had brewing in the back of his mind. The idea was now nothing but smoke, its flames certainly extinguished. He wondered why he was doing this. For sure his emotions reached an extreme that he hadn’t felt before, but it didn’t satisfy him one bit. It was only then he realized that despite doing the things he thought he fancied, he hadn’t been enjoying himself. Since when did all of it stop being fun?

 

It was since he stopped meeting Soonyoung.

 

He closed his eyes, wanting for the wind to take him somewhere, or at least be illusioned into thinking that it was. As strong as they were, the feeling of flight he used to have was no longer there. Nothing really was besides the nausea at this point. He had returned to being an empty person, a person without life or meaning. As much as he hated to admit it, he was nothing without Soonyoung. How and when Soonyoung had managed to become such a large part of his life, he wondered. How he managed to take his life by storm. Almost as if he was a storm.

 

The last thing Wonwoo remembered before drifting away was the memory of the night Soonyoung broke into his room, how Wonwoo was entranced at first sight.

 

“Get up!”

 

Wonwoo’s eyes fluttered open as he was yanked up from the ground and promptly pulled back indoors. His wrist hurt from the aggressive pulling, but his heart hurt from the outraged tone. While the dusty-blue hair told Wonwoo who it was hauling him away, he had already long recognized him from his voice.

 

Soonyoung dialed a number to let someone, it seemed like it was Seungcheol, know that he finally found Wonwoo. He then hastily put his phone back in his pocket as he dragged Wonwoo to the stairs.

Wonwoo didn’t like seeing Soonyoung angry, and although he was surely at fault, he wasn’t sure exactly what it was that had angered him. Or how Soonyoung found him in the first place, for that matter.

 

“Soonyoung.”

 

Soonyoung didn’t respond. He continued descending down the stairs without looking back to see how Wonwoo was faring. Every step landed firmly on the staircase with no sign of lightening up. They had just passed the 59th floor when Wonwoo noticed Soonyoung’s raspy breaths.

 

“Soonyoung, there’s elevators.”

 

Soonyoung tugged harder.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“You’re tired.”

 

“Shut UP!”

 

Soonyoung slowed down his pace but tightened his grip on Wonwoo’s wrist. They made it down to the 57th floor when Soonyoung finally stopped.

 

“Soonyoung?”

 

Wonwoo found himself being plummeted to the wall by the momentum of the punch that landed on his jaw. The impact of the both the punch and the wall hurt, especially now that he was sober. He managed to regain his balance, using the rail for support. He massaged his jaw, but before he could ask, Soonyoung spoke first.

 

“What the HELL were you thinking?”

 

“What do you mea-”

 

Wonwoo was pushed up against the wall, Soonyoung clenching his fists around Wonwoo’s collar. Soonyoung’s complexion was red, both from exhaustion and from anger, but Wonwoo still found him just as charming. It was frightening, really, but Wonwoo felt like he just discovered another part of Soonyoung and it made him somewhat grateful. Maybe he was strange for thinking such. Though, he still couldn’t pinpoint the cause of Soonyoung’s anger.

 

“Do you want to die that badly?” Soonyoung growled.

 

Wonwoo blinked.

 

“Huh?”

 

Soonyoung shouted in frustration as he kicked the wall beside Wonwoo, who flinched from the sudden explosion of anger. His fists loosened, freeing Wonwoo’s collar, and he sunk to his knees. He didn’t cry. He only lowered his head and refused to bring it up.

 

“What would have happened if I didn’t find you in time?”

 

Ah… that was what it was. Wonwoo momentarily forgot his position and his not so intent intention for being there. It was a misunderstanding. Sort of.

 

Wonwoo kneeled down to his level.

 

“I wasn’t going to jump. I swear.”

 

“Then why did you go on drunkenly blabbering to Seungcheol saying that you wanted to? Do you have any idea how long it took for me to find you?” Soonyoung huffed.

 

It was almost unsettling seeing such a weak side of Soonyoung, but it made him seem more… real. It brought Soonyoung down to Wonwoo’s world, and Wonwoo wondered if, like he had been wrong about Mingyu, he was wrong about Soonyoung. He wondered if the Soonyoung in his mind was an image fabricated by Wonwoo’s desires. The Soonyoung in front of him was different from the one in his head. The Soonyoung that was bold and brave and unrestrained. Seeing Soonyoung like this made Wonwoo’s hopes rise, that maybe Soonyoung might have harbored some feeling for him back. But guilt could have been another reason that he was acting this way. Or neither, seeing as Wonwoo seemed to be weak at judging character.

 

“Then why did you come here, Wonwoo? All the way to the top floor of the 63 Building? What made you want to come here?”

 

What was it, really? Why did he come? If he knew he wasn’t really going to jump, what had been his true aim?

 

“I wanted to escape.”

 

Soonyoung squinted at him, as if unsure whether to take the statement as a valid reason.

 

“You wanted to escape.”

 

“... yeah.”

 

“From what exactly? From the life I dragged you in?” Soonyoung looked into Wonwoo’s eyes to try to search for an answer. “Do you regret it that much?”

 

After a moment of silence and pondering, Wonwoo finally responded. “I wanted to escape from you.”

 

Soonyoung furrowed his eyebrows, clearly upset and confused.

 

“Me? Should I disappear? Would that make you feel better?”

 

“That’s not it.”

 

Another round of silence.

 

“Then?”

 

“Even if you disappeared, it wouldn’t do anything, because no matter what I do, you’re always in my mind. No matter where I am or who I’m with, I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you to be mine like you claimed me as yours, but then you would be giving yourself up, wouldn’t you? And you can’t have that happen.”

 

“What do you mean? Why not?”

 

“Because you’re Kwon Soonyoung! You’re everything I asked for and everything I wanted to be. You’re not chained down by anything. You do what you want and you know what you want… I just want to be as free as you are. Why won’t you let me be?”

 

Soonyoung looked taken aback, his brows furrowed in question.

 

“Is that how you think of me? I’m not free at all. I only pretend to be just so I can run away from the real world. I’m not chained by anything? I’m just pretending these chains don’t exist! What would you know? You never even asked! Should I tell you? What my life was like before I decided to ignore any and all responsibilities I had or decisions I had to make? Before I decided to run away from it all?”

 

“No, I-”

 

“I could tell you all about it. About how I carried the burden of choosing between ethics and expectations, about how no one understood my situation, about how I’m a failure to myself, my family, and society. Do you really want to know? Because if it’s just because of my image that you want me-”

 

“It’s not because of your image that I want you,” Wonwoo burst out, fearing that Soonyoung was misunderstanding him. That wasn’t what he had meant, and it wasn’t how he wanted Soonyoung to take it. “If it was, then I would have been fine with Junhui, but I wasn’t. Because he wasn’t you. I like you. I like you. I want you. And when I say that, I don’t just mean I want to be around you. I want you to like me like I like you.”

 

“What makes you think that I don’t?”

 

Wonwoo paused, his train of thought forced on a different track and causing him to forget where he was going. Did Soonyoung mean what Wonwoo hoped he meant?

 

“Do you?”

 

Soonyoung pulled Wonwoo in for a kiss. It was different from their sloppy first kiss and their lustful second. This time it was slow, the two of them finding each other’s bodies through a soft, trailing touch. Wonwoo pressed himself onto Soonyoung’s body and Soonyoung swept his fingers along Wonwoo’s cheek. Wonwoo felt carried away by the moment, but not in a rushed kind of way. Neither made a move to rush things or move past the point of just a simple kiss. Rather than a method to feed their hunger for touch, it was a way of communication. A way for the two to convey without words the feelings that were residing in their hearts. For Wonwoo it was longing and uncertainty. For Soonyoung, it seemed to be reassurance.

 

Wonwoo pulled away. He still couldn’t be sure it meant as much as he hoped for.

 

“Don’t think I forgot your kiss with Seungcheol.”

 

“I told you, that didn’t count.”

“But how do I know this does?”

 

“You just have to trust me.”
 

He remembered entrusting his entire self to Soonyoung before. From the moment Soonyoung led him out of his window, Wonwoo put his faith into Soonyoung, certain that Soonyoung would give him what he asked for. Did he ever stop trusting him? No, it was never that. It was Wonwoo’s desires that changed from wanting to break away from the dull life before, to wanting Soonyoung. It was that Wonwoo became too scared to request what he feared Soonyoung wouldn’t give. He never stopped trusting him. It was just that he never asked.

 

“I trust you.”

 

“Then believe me when I say I’ve liked you from the beginning.”

 

“The beginning?”

 

“I wouldn’t have let you ride on my motorcycle otherwise.”

 

He made it sound so overly simple, but Wonwoo was still stunned to hear it. While Wonwoo had accumulated so much frustration from his complicated thoughts and feelings regarding Soonyoung, Soonyoung made the complications melt away as if they were nothing. But maybe Junhui had been right about Wonwoo overthinking things. There was a good reason for Wonwoo be fear what he had with Soonyoung was as fragile as the glass Soonyoung broke when they met. If Soonyoung told him just now that he didn’t feel the same way, wouldn’t it have been easier to get rid of his feelings? And if he let Soonyoung tell him he liked him, none of this agony would have even developed.

 

What had been the point avoiding Soonyoung? It only brought upon unnecessary difficulties.

 

Wonwoo had been the one that misunderstood everything based on his own assumptions. His muddled thoughts became clear with Soonyoung’s confession, and he wondered why his thoughts were being so difficult in the first place. If Junhui could figure it out, why couldn’t he have? He had been going in circles chasing after Soonyoung when at the same time Soonyoung was chasing him. All he had to do was stop and think for them to meet. He never really had to run in the first place. If only he had just stopped and stood still for a moment. For just a moment.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Wonwoo closed his notebook right as the teacher dismissed class. His eagerness started showing itself with the incessant tapping on his fingers of top of his desk a good fifteen minutes before class was over. Once it was, he was more than ready to bolt out of the classroom. He hurriedly but neatly put away his belongings in his bag before setting off, hastily pushing in the chair as he went. He jogged down the halls in light, rapid steps, dodging other students and staff, not minding their curious stares, as he made his way to the shoe lockers. He kicked off his indoor shoes and swapped them for his outdoor ones, slipping them on as quickly as he could, taking a few tries to fit in the heels without crushing the back of his shoes. Once they were on, he was out of the door and dashing toward the school gates, a wide smile on his face when he saw the familiar charismatic motorcycle and the even more familiar and charismatic leaning against it.

 

When Wonwoo was close enough, Soonyoung tossed a helmet in his direction, which he caught with ease.

 

“Where should we go today?”

 

It was a routine thing, going somewhere together every Friday. On these days, Soonyoung would wait for Wonwoo at the school gates, and once school was over, Wonwoo would run to meet him. Every week they ran without a plan until the day of, minute of, usually going to a different place every time. They had gone to the movies last week, karaoke with friends the week before that, and the beach the week before that. It was routine, in a sense, which Wonwoo no longer resented the concept of, as he came to enjoy having something to look forward to on Fridays. That ‘something’ being Soonyoung.

 

Wonwoo secured the helmet on his head as he thought about what to answer, caring more about the journey than the destination, though the destination was fun, too. There was nothing more he wanted than to experience flight once again with Soonyoung. To have this special moment between themselves as they took another journey. To experience riding the storm that was Soonyoung again, and again, and again.

 

He hopped on behind Soonyoung, wrapping his arms snugly around his waist.

 

“Anywhere is fine. Surprise me.”