Fin
I've Known You Since ForeverI've Known You Since Forever
Jaebum is never a morning person. Everytime the sun rising and trying to peek into his window, he would dig his head deeper to his pillow, relishing the soft and comfortable bed until it last. Even so, he never late to go to school and all his life he never use an alarm to wake up. Because he have Jackson.
Jackson is the personification of sun itself. Bright, cheerful and so wonderful no matter how annoying and too enthusiastic he could be. Just the gleam in Jackson's eyes could make Im Jaebum grin widely because he know what's in the other's mind, and Jaebum inhales it all like an oxygen. They've been together for so long they don't even remember how they first came to know each other, probably when they're still babies wrapped in diapers and barely able to mutter a word.
It's their routine, their way of life when every morning Jackson would sneak into Jaebum's room and jump onto him with all his glee and tossing around just to get Jaebum out from the comfort of his bed. Jackson's high pitched laughter would fill the room and Jaebum found himself smiling despite he should've been annoyed from the rude awakening.
"Wake up lazy !" Jackson pinched his and Jaebum slapped his hand as he gritting his teeth in amusement but also annoyance, and slapping Jackson's plumper , happy when the other yelping.
"I will blame you if my gets even bigger from your constant slapping!"
"Not like you're not proud of your big ," Jaebum snorted as he's getting ready.
"Of course, it's a good asset, don't you think?" he pushes his out to emphasize. "But too much is never good," he yelped again when Jaebum slapped his for the second time that morning.
"Breakfast?" Jaebum inquires like he always did without fail.
"I had it at mine," he came to wrapped his arms around Jaebum and walking together to the kitchen, greeting Jaebum's parents at ease since they're practically his second parents.
"You're not having breakfast Jackson?" Jaebum's mother asked which got answered by the two teenagers.
"Jackson, can you go with me for the next tennis match?" Jaebum's dad asked with much familiarity.
"Giving up already on Jaebum, uncle?" Jackson giggled while wiggling his eyebrows to Jaebum mockingly, still hugging the taller boy from behind.
"He at sport," his dad laughed together with Jackson and Jaebum can only roll his eyes at it. Aware of how annoyed he is for being mocked yet it didn't even come to his mind to shrug off Jackson's arms of him.
This kind of intimacy is routine, something which always been there for them and not at all awkward as if they're breathing. Jackson himself is a touchy person, he crave skinship from anyone, touches is what soothe Jackson the most better than the prettiest words. He gains confidence and comfort being close to people and Jaebum pretends not to notice how he feels proud when Jackson only being excessive to him and no one else.
And at the end of the day when Jaebum or Jackson particularly feeling down, their touches would lingers and the words said.
"You know that I'll always be there for you, right? No matter what."
And they would smile to each other no matter how bitter it is because they found their footing when they're together. Because they're the best of best friends.
--
But their dynamic slowly shifting to change when Jackson starting to talk about this certain Jinyoung guy animatedly. Jaebum understand that Jackson is enthusiastic almost about everything, but this time his enthusiasm almost feel like a slow burn in the pit his stomach and ache in his chest.
Jaebum have known about Jackson since he couldn't properly babbling baby words, he knows when something is off, he knows when Jackson being out of ordinary. He knew Jackson too much that at a single glance he could practically hear what the other is thinking.
But this time he's not sure if he could. This time Jaebum could feel it how Jackson is slipping away from his grasp. The glint in his eyes, the enthusiastic grin and the way he talks, Jaebum know that Jackson is very infatuated to this Jinyoung.
"Hey Jaebum, hey!" Jackson yells excitedly while running to him, hands flailing around until it catches Jaebum's arms and squeeze it fondly. Yet it done nothing to soothe the uneasiness in Jaebum's heart because he knew what the next thing Jackson is going to say. "Listen! God, you have to know this! You know that today I got chemistry, right? We have to team up and I was-"
"Jinyoung again?" Jaebum said curtly that he himself surprised at how harsh he sounds.
Jackson's eyes grow wide in shock, hands slack on Jaebum's arms because Jaebum never being cold like that to him. The fought a lot, but Jaebum never snap at him with no reason like that. The shock and slight hurt which flashes on Jackson's face woke Jaebum up from the tight coils of his stomach and washes over him was guilt.
"Sorry, I was having a bad day," he twist his lips like a poor excuse of a smile. But Jackson, sweet and gentle Jackson always relented and smile back although a bit uncertain.
"Are you okay?" he asked with voice latched thick with worry.
"Yeah."
And still Jackson searches Jaebum's eyes before he wraps his arms around Jaebum like usual, resting his head on the taller boy's shoulder as comfort.
Suddenly for the first time in their life, they feel awkward.
--
Things didn't get better after that, if not it gets worse. Jackson is observant and he noticed Jaebum's dislike toward Jinyoung although they never meet. Jackson had tried to tell Jaebum to meet Jinyoung so he would know the guy better because apparently Jinyoung is very likeable and witty, but Jaebum steels his expression and Jackson stop talking about Jinyoung altogether.
Jackson didn't understand why Jaebum dislike Jinyoung, even though Jaebum quite a loner unlike Jackson and sometimes can be quite sensitive, Jaebum never react this strongly to any of Jackson's friends. He's confused and wants to know why, unknown to himself that Jaebum also didn't know what the answer to it.
Jaebum is also confused at why he hates Jinyoung. They never meet and from all Jackson's stories of Jinyoung it's all nice. So why there is this awful feeling growing in his chest and his stomach churns unpleasantly whenever Jackson talks about Jinyoung? Or the hot tingling in the tips of his fingers and anger when he saw Jackson being all over Jinyoung and as close as he usually is with Jaebum? Wasn't he's supposed to be the only one Jackson get to be that close? Why suddenly Jackson changed? Why suddenly he feels like he's being replaced? Why suddenly another person than him able to bring out the gleams in Jackson eyes to shine brighter than the sun?
Isn't he supposed to be the only one to have that side of Jackson to himself?
Even though every morning Jackson still came to wake him up. Still embraces him because they feel like it, because of routine or for comfort. Still caressing his cheeks when the day being particularly hard and smile feels so bitter. Still whispering, "I'll always be there for you, always," to him every night before they separate to their own home. And Jackson laughter still caused him to smile, warm to his heart. But he noticed it, something is changing.
He noticed how Jackson not being as touchy as he usually did with him. He noticed how Jackson averting his eyes when they stare at each other too long, something which never been a problem to either of them. Or the way Jackson flinched when Jaebum being the one to initiate skinship. But the thing he noticed the most is when Jackson's smile loses it's brightness and how sometimes he almost look like he's anxious being in the same room with Jaebum.
It hurts. It hurt so ing much. And anger settle in Jaebum's heart from the growing frustration of their somewhat messed up dynamic. He realizes he's losing his footing and Jackson is slipping away. And his anger turned into hate when he saw Jackson laughing openly while hugging Jinyoung.
Jinyoung, he dreaded the name.
When that night Jackson want to stay over, Jaebum didn't answer and let him be. Staying quiet when he pressed himself to the wall and feeling Jackson strong yet soft arms sneaking around his waist. He was feeling bitter, angry, mad and just so awful about everything. For once Jackson presence wasn't able to soothe his heart and only make his anger burns even stronger.
"Don't you think we're too old to do this?" he spat out and for a second he couldn't taste guilt and only anger stinging his whole being. But then guilt came flooding into him when he felt Jackson going rigid behind him, slowly pulling his arms and step out from his bed. Jaebum turned around, his heart aching at the sight.
The look on Jackson's face is indescribable, full of hurt, anguish and dejection. And Jaebum subconsciously mirroring the pain, he could feel it hammering in his chest, the twist of his stomach and blood turning cold as he's getting up from the bed, trying to reach out for his best friend. Because this is Jackson, his best friend, his soulmate, his brother and his sun. Never in his entire seventeen years of life have he seen Jackson looking so hurt like that. And he's the one who caused it.
"Jackson-"
"I tried Jaebum, I ing tried. But I don't understand you anymore," he said much with trembling voice and tears b in his eyes. Then he turns around, letting Jaebum see his back getting further away as he's leaving, letting the scar opening up more between them.
It took Jaebum a moment before he realized that he's crying. And it took him a long agonizing cries to understand that what he's been feeling is jealously and that he had taken Jackson for granted.
He let himself drowns in his tears, tasting the stinging pain in his heart as his mind replaying the sight of Jackson leaving. But he clenching his fist, because tomorrow he will talk. Tomorrow, he will try to take back his Jackson.
--
The next morning was even more painful than the night he had his heart crushed to the ground. Even when the sun shining bright and birds are chirping merrily outside his window, he couldn't ward off the hollowness in his heart as the room remains cold and quiet. For so many years his room was rarely quiet in the morning, there would always laughter waking him up and arms cradling him with eagerness yet also gentle on his skin.
He had his eyes open, waking up to the agonizing silence, counting and hoping to hear the sneaky steps around his room and the soft creaking of his door. But it never came, and he closed his eyes again because his eyes starting to burn and the tears begging to be let out. He don't want to, he don't want to sink again even though he remembers painfully that Jackson always came to wake him up even though they're fighting, even if the way he done it was rough and cold. But he still always came. Not right now, not this time, and Jaebum could almost hear the sound of his heart shattering at the thought.
He gets up sluggishly from his bed, rubbing his face frustated and tired. And when he walked to the kitchen, he knows his parents are looking at him in confusion yet not saying anything. They must be wondering why Jackson didn't come and why their son looking half death to the world. The morning is so quiet and tense, even with his parents there no word was exchanged, and he wondered of how big Jackson's presence is in his life.
What really surprised him and caused his heart to jump in elation was when he walked out from his house, he's met with awaiting Jackson at the gate, looking down to the ground but still there for him. His heart flutters in so many mixed feelings, warmth in happiness but also tight in sadness. Jaebum hesitate, because although he knew Jackson is there for him, the tension in their relationship is still very much there like a fresh gaping wound.
It's awkward, so very awkward. They both silent in their stood, one lowering his head and the other fixated on Jackson's pained figure. Jaebum was the one who took the first step as he should have since he was the one who caused all this.
"Hi," he greeted when he's standing right in front of Jackson, heart palpating and throat tight.
Jackson slowly raising his head, letting his eyes meet with Jaebum's equally gloomy eyes. He didn't smile but Jaebum knew he was hoping, expecting and waiting. So Jaebum brushed the dark brown locks and pull him into a hug by the nape, silently asking for forgiveness and telling the both of them that they're okay. Jackson rest his cheek on Jaebum's broad shoulder, relishing the warmth he know so much that is Jaebum, his best friend. And Jaebum turning his head to feel the tickle of Jackson's hair on his lips, inhaling the scent that is Jackson, someone he can't be without.
Although they're back to each other arms, they both know that their relationship is shifting. Something is changing and they have no clue whether is it a good thing or a bad thing. But for now they will take what they can, grasping at the familiar intimacy which is starting to feel different.
What yesterday hugs able to soothe, today their hearts speak differently.
--
"Have a good day."
Jaebum had just said that to Jackson that morning when they are going to go to their respective classes and Jackson had smiled back to him in it's usual brightness. He could feel the way his heart jumped in his chest when Jackson leap to hug him, arms hooked on his neck and his warm breath brushing Jaebum's skin. But what had electrocuted him was the soft and slightly wet touch of Jackson's lips on his neck, it wasn't just a coincidence, Jaebum was sure it's a kiss.
And before Jaebum could think or do anything, Jackson already pulled back and grinned again to him, making him momentarily forgot about the kiss. Then he jumps away to his class, now and then turning back to wave at Jaebum until he couldn't be seen again.
Jaebum is stunned, rigid in his standing like a statue because they never kiss like that. The only times they kiss each other is when there's a special occasion such as birthday or celebration. Even so they only kissed on the cheek, maybe a few on the forehead but obviously not on the neck. It's intimate, too intimate for them to do that.
Jaebum is surprised, of course. But the tingle in his heart and the warmth which bursting under his skin, makes him smile in glee, unstoppable and just keep bubbling up until he's giggling to himself. Happy at the intimacy, happy that the smile he always knew are back on Jackson's face again, happy because of many reasons which some are unknown even to Jaebum himself.
Their relationship is changing, their routine might still be there, but there's also something new. Although deep down Jaebum feel a tinge of fear and unsure, the bubbling warm feelings pushed those to the back of his mind. And Jaebum let it swept him, because this is Jackson and he loves it. He loves the touches.
But the higher he felt, the deeper he fall. And it was something everyone knows, not only Jackson or Jaebum himself know that he's a man of quick temper. That he would let his emotions take hold of him rather than his brain when his temper is being tested. Even when deep down he know that he would regret the things he's going to say moments later, still he couldn't help letting his mouth run in pure anger and hatred.
Even though he had just tasted honey when Jackson kissed his neck. Even though he felt so high in the seventh clouds when looking at grinning Jackson bouncing on his feet happily after it. Jaebum couldn't understand how is it possible for his feelings to burn that fast, to feel dread growing in the pit of his stomach and how he wanted to break something to pieces when he saw Jackson leaning his head on Jinyoung full of glee and just so close, so close to the guy's neck.
And he feels betrayed. Jaebum feels like he's nothing special, he's not that special for Jackson. Maybe Jackson did the same to Jinyoung, maybe he even did more with that guy. His heart burning, destructive and the flame is so hot it burns not only himself but also anyone who come close to him. And that means Jackson.
Jackson was clueless when he saw Jaebum from afar and was bouncing happily on his feet again to Jaebum, intending to hug his best friend as usual. But he stop short when he saw the look on Jaebum's face, eyes slightly wide in either confusion or uneasiness.
"Jaebum?"
"You look so happy Jackson," even without me, you can look so happy, Jaebum seethed.
Jackson is frowning, searching for something in Jaebum's eyes, "what do you mean?"
"Did you kiss him?" he spat, blinded by rage that he's going to ruin everything, worse than what he had done before.
And Jackson's eyes grew even wider, for a moment shock was all over his features, until realization and anger settling instead. "Is that it? Is that the reason why you've been so strange? The reason why you've been pushing me away?"
What reason? What 'it'? Jaebum thought yet his face stays hard and cold, judging because his emotions are overwhelming.
To his surprise Jackson scoffed and averting his gaze as if he's disappointed before looking at him again with a painful smirk, "out of all the people in the world, Jaebum... I thought you would understand, I thought you will always be there for me. Look at how wrong I was. Do you hate me now? Because I'm like that? You hate me? Me, Jaebum?"
To say Jaebum is confused is an understatement. He don't understand at all what Jackson is saying and gradually his anger seeping out his skin, finally realizing the deed he has done, the anguish and dejection which twisting Jackson's beautiful face. And once again, he had caused it. Right in that moment he feels like a murder, guilt and regret mixing like a suicidal poison.
Before he could say anything to mend it, Jackson spat back, "and to your question, yes I kissed him, on the mouth. Happy?"
With that he left, Jackson left without sparing a single glance to Jaebum, not caring in the slightest bit that his words has cut Jaebum so deep he feels like dying inside, because he's also hurting. They both bleeding as the distance between them getting wider and echoes of those words ringing persistently in their minds.
And this time Jaebum is lost more than he ever be, he's not sure if he'll ever be able to mend them back because the destruction he had done is far too unforgiving.
--
"Is the fight serious hyung?"
Jaebum stare back to Yugyeom, a junior who's part of their circle of friends, the kid especially fond of Jackson. It occurred to Jaebum that he never really mind when Yugyeom being particularly clingy to Jackson, but when the image of Jackson with Jinyoung came to mind, he seethed.
"What fight?"
"You and Jackson's hyung," Yugyeom titling his head to an empty chair where Jackson usually sit at lunch break. "It's clear as a day, even Bambam knew. You're practically attached at the hip, but now suddenly Jackson hyung often seen with Jinyoung hyung. Normally you guys fought for a day or two, but this has been going on for... What? A month?"
"We didn't fight," what a lie, Jaebum. A fight on top of them growing apart because of something that Jaebum felt and there's an invisible barrier between them now.
Yugyeom didn't believe it, he rolled his eyes yet didn't comment further as he saw the way Jaebum clenching his jaw.
"You know him?" Suddenly Jaebum asked when silence become too much around them.
"Who?"
"Jinyoung," he thought he said it nonchalantly, but the ache and burn in his stomach sure telling him something else.
"He's in the same class as Jackson hyung, a new transfer student," Yugyeom explains while putting away their food trays.
Oh, that explain a lot, Jaebum thought.
"He's quite well known in this school though, almost everybody knows him after a week or so."
Jaebum furrowing his eyebrows, "why?"
Yugyeom's frown leveling Jaebum's in confusion, "you don't know? But Jackson hyung is close to him?"
"What is it?" he gritted his teeth feeling his patience running thin. It always has whenever a certain someone is involved.
Yugyeom shifting in his seat, uneasy. "He's coming out gay."
Jaebum's jaw fell in shock, "...what?"
"Well, not gay. But he practically told everybody that he's biual."
And suddenly all the puzzle pieces fell into places, making the whole big picture clear and Jaebum finally understand the words Jackson said, the way he's been acting and why Jackson grew apart from him.
And suddenly, Jaebum is forced to come to terms with his feeling. Suddenly, apart from the cracking sounds that is his heart, he missed the warmth of Jackson's skin on his, the calming weight of his embraces around his neck or waist. And he thought, this time he have no right for all the gentleness and sweetness that is Jackson.
--
Jaebum understand they need to talk, but Jackson have been avoiding him like a plague, and he relented to give his 'best friend' a time no matter how his heart urging him to confort the problem. A week, it's enough for Jaebum to acknowledge that he can't be without Jackson, that he dearly missed Jackson like a man in unspeakable thirst, that he finally came to terms with his feeling that all he had been feeling is jealousy and he wishes for something much more deeper than friendship with Jackson.
They've been together for so long, known each other longer than they first learnt the first word in their lives. Jaebum realized, no matter what is the outcome it is far more important to have Jackson in his life rather than wanting his feelings to be reciprocated. And so when the week has passed begrudgingly, Jaebum took matters in his own hands, ambushing Jackson at night when he's alone in his room. Thankful since Jackson's parents practically his other parents to him, he could sneak in without question.
Jackson laid on his bed, playing with his phone to lul him to sleep when Jaebum coming in, face serious and determined. Surprise painted on Jackson's face for a moment before it gave way to indifference, since he had figured that Jaebum would come to talk to him, he goes back to playing with his phone.
"Jackson," Jaebum called and had to stop to swallow the dry tightness in his throat, "we need to talk."
"What's there to talk about? I know already what you thought of me," he said in a cold tone, eyes never meeting Jaebum's.
"No, you misunderstood..."
"Misunderstood what? That you hate me because I like guys too? That actually you're just a petty homophobic who's hating, me... Someone who's practically your brother?" Jackson too, trying to be strong, but the little squeak that came out from his mouth when he said 'me' makes Jaebum sure that he's not the only one hoping to mend their relationship.
"I've never thought of you as my brother."
Jackson rolled his eyes when he couldn't hide the surging pain anymore, "great to know."
"No, you need to listen to me," Jaebum step forward hastily, hands raised in urgency.
"For what? For you to hurt me more? I have enough Jaebum," he raised his voice, eyes finally meeting Jaebum's and tears b uncontrollably.
"I love you!" Jaebum shouted, surprising himself and Jackson, but he need to continue, he need to mend this, "okay? It appears I always have... But was too scared to acknowledge it because you're important to me. Because you are a big part in my life and I don't want to ruin it even if it's mean I'm killing my feelings."
Jackson's eyes are wide, tears already rolling down his cheeks but the expression on his face is unreadable.
"I got jealous... I'm jealous with Jinyoung because he has your attention and I felt like... I felt like I'm not special to you. I got angry because I've been with you longer than he ever has," Jaebum in a deep breath, trying to control his trembling voice yet it racking his whole body even more, similar to Jackson his tears are also b out. "But I love you more than that... So even if you chose Jinyoung, even if you rather kiss him than me... I need you even if as a friend."
Silence creeping into the room, the tension could be felt burdening their bodies, hearts palpating in so many flooding emotions. No one saying anything, minds running ever so frantically at the words said.
"I need you Jackson, I'll always need you and I... I'll always love you even if as just a friend... Or brother," Jaebum added in a low voice, genuine and thick of feelings.
"I thought you hate me..." Jackson suddenly said, cutting the silence in a snap. "I thought because you found out I'm gay, you... Hate me."
"No, no I'll never able to hate you Jackson."
"I thought, you hate Jinyoung because of that... And then you realized that I'm also the same and... You hate me," he hiccups, a start of a cry.
Jaebum's eyes grew wide, shaking his head quickly that, "no, it's not like that."
"I thought-" Jackson choked on his tongue due to the overwhelming emotions plaguing him. "I thought you pushed me away because you noticed my feelings..."
His heart hammering his rib cage, painfully fast and deafening his ears as blood rushing through, the silence which filling the room feels more heavy than it was before. Realization settling in, heavy but also liberating. Jaebum feels like his brain has failed him, or maybe his ears hearing things differently.
"What?" he whispered to himself, asking and hoping.
It was the small yet beautiful and sweet smile of Jackson which waking him up from his brain dead. And the next words has him feeling like he's dying, he's willing to because he had never felt so, so happy and just... Indescribable.
"I love you too."
A soft laugh jumped out from Jaebum's lips, but he swallow it in to frown because he can't believe it yet, "no way..."
"Yes you dumb nut, yes... I love you, idiot," Jackson chuckles drawn out with sobs, crying his heart out as he leap to embrace Jaebum, burying his face on the taller boy's neck and wetting it with his tears. His fingers digging on Jaebum's back as if it's his lifeline.
Instinctively Jaebum hug him back, burying his face on Jackson's shoulder, dampening the shirt but he couldn't care because Jackson is in his arms again and he terribly need to pour his feelings and just cry and cry. It's sad but also happy, it's unexplainable but he wouldn't hope for anything else. This is it, this is what he wants, what he need.
"I can't believe it..." he cries, making Jackson laugh and cry at the same time.
"We're so stupid..."
Jaebum is pulling away, to rest his forehead on Jackson's, letting their eyes meet and wonders at the beauty of it. Feeling slightly uncertain although his heart screaming at the need to claim Jackson's soft lips, he hesitated but Jackson understand and he was the one who's leaning forward, kissing Jaebum's lips a bit awkwardly but that's what they ever wish to. Jaebum must be in too deep to be able to taste sweetness on Jackson's lips, it's the sweetest nectar he ever tasted.
They understand that the transition from friendship to something more is hard especially for them who's been together for far too long. They're also scared about what could happen in the future, if this relationship isn't working then what to do after that.
"Promise me," Jackson was the one who voiced their insecurities, "even if in the future this isn't working out, promise me you'll still be there for me."
He understand how selfish it sounds, but what they have is more than that, bigger than that and likewise Jaebum share the same feelings.
"No need to say it, I couldn't live without you either," he answered deep from his heart because they both knew there wouldn't be a life where they're not together no matter if they're lovers, friends or as brothers. And as he said it Jaebum could feel the way Jackson smiling on his neck, causing him to grin even wider despite both their faces wet by tears.
Jaebum gritting his teeth, but he thought he should let it go and he smiled softly, "you know what, as much as it pains me to say this, I think we should thank Jinyoung."
The laughter which follows filling his heart with pleasant warmth, bubbling happiness and Jaebum would never wish for a life without it.
So, as always sorry for the grammar errors. I hope at least some of you like this short story ^^
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