Today we had to wake up early to go to the practice room. I woke up with a song I know more than I would want to, at first I thought I was hallucinating, but the I hear it:

 *pick me pick me pick me up x 101*

It started to play and I couldn't help covering my ears. Oh my god this song is going to appear in my nightmares. 
I get out my bed and see Nayoung and Mina already awake getting ready. Then I see them dancing to a part of the song and I decide to copy them, maybe I will get some screen time.
When I finished I went to the bathroom that was being used by  Nayoung and Mina. In the other one Haein, Suhyun and Juna were trying to get ready (they looked like having a fight instead).
 "Good morning everyone" I said sleepy.
 "Morning" They all replied dying.
 "Staying until late was a really bad idea" said Juna.
 "It was your ing idea" replied Nayoung from the other bathroom.
 "But who agreed?" 
 "But you even bought food and somehow got in here some beers, how was I supposed to say no?" Nayoung said.
 "That's true tho..." Said Haein, who almost never agreed in anything with Nayoung.
 "You see..." 
 "But who cares, it was still nice" I said, we actually had so much fun. I just hope no one finds out.
 "Let's just get ready" Mina said and we hurried to get ready on time.
 After we were all done we went to the practice room and they told us to get in order of our rankings.
I hate this rankings thing, this actually doesn't measures your talent, and unfortunately some trainees forget about that and suffer so much, I really don't like it. If I could give my place for any trainee I would, after all some of them are more talented than me, I just got lucky.
 We were all chatting among ourself meanwhile they prepared everything for recording. Then mister Jang entered and a lot of girls shouted, my poor ears.
 "Hello girls, hope you got a good rest" I looked at Mina and Nayoung who were closer to me. Then accidentally made eye contact with Somi and Doyeon who were mischievously smiling, and gave me the impression that they knew what we did, ugh this kids.
 "Today we will have a group positions battles!" And the walls were uncovered, showing a dance, sing and rap section with different songs.
 "So like you all probably already guessed, the number indicates the number of people in each song, and starting from the number one until 61 they will chose a place"
 "Woah" "why" "so unlucky" I heard some say, mostly from lower ranks.
 "Okay... So Sejeong, are you ready to chose?" 
 "Yes" I said and walked to the center "I will chose 'Yanghwa bridge' by Zion t" this song I really like it and I think it will be almost effortless for me to relate to the lyrics.
Then slowly the trainees started to choose the song they wanted, even some of them ended up in positions they don't belong to but you can't do anything about the rules.
What surprised me was that Nayoung joined to the same song as me.
 After everyone had a group we started practicing with Nayoung, Seojeong and Chaekyung. Everything went well because 3 of us studied almost everything about music so it was easy to modify the song for the four of us. 
We easily decided who will sing each part and we started practicing.
Because I was first place I immediately became the main vocal. We sang the song and recorded ourself to then fix the mistakes. We had to fix some parts and make our voices match but we didn't have much trouble, the only mistake I found all the time was mine.
When I sang I didn't feel anything, almost like if I was a robot, I did it because I didn't know how to express emotions, and I was also afraid of showing too much emotion.
When I choose the song I thought I could be a good way of start expressing my feelings but it's harder than I expected, and I'm kind of regretting choosing this song. Also because soon Jea will check our progress I felt even more stressed.
Deciding to take a little break I said I needed to go to the bathroom and actually just went outside to breath some fresh air.

This song... it's actually easy for me to relate to, even thought I don't have a father to sing about, my mom is just so important for me. She is the reason I'm here, the one that supports me and always helps me. I'm so thankful for that, and if something happened to her I just wouldn't know what to do.
So why is it so hard for me to just express that feeling? Why can't I just show her how grateful I feel towards her? Why can't I just accept the emotions I feel? Without noticing I felt a tear fall down my face, and then I felt another, and another. I'm crying out of frustration.
Deciding to stop thinking so much I wiped my tears and tried to relax. Once I felt a little better I entered the room again and Nayoung asked me why I took so long.

"I was just checking my phone"

-

Today they will check our progress, and I haven't improved at all. All I know is how to fake smile and I just don't know how to voice my feelings. This is what happens when you live your life around walls that won't let anyone in; when you stay for too long inside them you forget how to break the walls that you built.

"Now we will see Sejeong's group" said Jea and I heard how some trainees murmured about how good we will be... please don't say that, because I will screw up.
"1.. 2 .. 3"
We started singing and out of fear of everyone noticing how fake and empty I sound I started to sing softly. Of course Jea noticed this and told us to start again. For the second time and even a few more I just felt so frightened, despite my worry I tried to sing a little loudly but Jea noticed I wasn't singing with my all.
 "Sejeong what happens? Did you not practice enough?" I was going to say yes so she doesn't ask me more things but Chaekyung decided to answer for me.
 "Teacher, she actually practiced harder than than any of us. Yesterday she literally didn't go to sleep..." I closed my eyes thinking fast about an excuse of my failure.
"Really? Then... why are you like this right now?" Asked Jea now confused, because she knows I don't need to practice so much to sing this song, she knows singing is easy for me, but she doesn't know my weakness at singing.
"Because... I practiced so hard that My throat started to hurt a little, and I'm scared of los