First Time
First TimeFlower meaning are at the bottom of the page
The first time she saw him, he was weeping.
Not the silent heaving of his shoulders. No, it was quite the opposite.
It was the raucous and desperate cry of a man in despair. The very sound sent shivers down her spine and the little hairs on her arms to raise. It was not one that she wished upon her worst enemies; the pain of it agonizing.
He leaned over a small grave, the flowers he had placed there crushed beneath his knees as his tears created holes in the snow.
The thought of walking over to him quickly died as another sob ripped out from deep within his lungs.
She watched him for a few more seconds before moving towards her destination, deciding that this was not the moment to intrude.
Perhaps she would never see him again.
Perhaps that was for the best.
The second time she saw him, he was alone once more and the flowers he had brought were discreetly placed above the gravestone.
There was silence this time, no cries of agony.
She noted that the flowers were asphodel flowers.
His lips moved, as if in silent prayer, and his hand traced the lettering on the grave slowly.
She took a step forward to see the name but a miscalculated step had her clumsily staggering onto the dry autumn leaves. The crunch of them sounded like it had been amplified across the field.
The man whipped around, his eyes searching for the source of the noise and landed on the mortified woman. She lifted her foot and took a step back, as if that action could take back the broken moment.
His posture immediately turned defensive and turned it towards the grave, like he was protecting it, and his eyes remained on hers.
She fled.
Ran away without reaching the destination of her purpose at the field.
Her drive home was plagued with thoughts of that moment. The way his gaze pierced into her very soul, the obvious sorrow evident in his frown, his kneeling posture on the clean grave site, the look of utter anguish that bled through his sorrow when he realized someone had witnessed his moment of weakness.
She knew that look, it had been one she worn before.
From the corner of her eyes, she saw elderflowers in the melancholy vase at the flower shop.
It seemed to be forgotten, left in a corner as people unwittingly passed by it.
Looking at the lilies in her hand, she placed them back and picked up the elderflowers.
She placed the elderflowers on the gravesite where she had seen the man kneel a couple times before.
“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch.”
No date of death, no name, no other mention of who this person was except for the single quote.
She said a silent prayer for the lost person and the man whose grief bled into her soul. Reading the quote one more time, she placed a delicate hand on the stone before walking back to her car.
The third time she saw him, it was not at their usual location. She was at the local café near the gravesite, buying her daily coffee that would sustain her for the day. It was her new vice, switching out the old one for coffee. If she was honest with herself, coffee was a much better alternative than not eating, as she once had done.
After the death of her father, she didn’t have much of an appetite and would rarely eat. It was so bad to the point that her friends and family recommended she get therapy and go to a doctor in order to get healthy again.
It’s been four years since then and she still feels the sting of his death every year.
Thanking the barista for the drink, she left the café and was searching her bag for her car keys when she bumped into someone from behind.
Luckily her coffee was saved and she profusely apologized to the woman she had hit.
From the corner of her eyes, she saw him with a bundle of dark pink roses in the crook of his arm.
She turned back to the woman and apologized once more before searching for the man however she could not find a single trace that he had even been there to begin with.
Sighing into her coffee, she walked towards her car but stopped when she noticed the bundle of dark pink roses sitting atop the hood of the car. A small smile sat on her lips as she breathed in the fresh fragrance.
The fourth time she saw him, he was waiting by the entrance of the cemetery.
She wondered if this happened to be a coincidence and thought perhaps he was waiting on someone else.
Exiting the car, she took the yellow roses and rosemary flowers with her and made her way to the entrance. He looked up and a soft smile embraced his features as watched her slowly approach. When she was five steps away, she stopped and stared at him to which he reciprocated her action. He was empty handed today, evident by his hands which were shoved deep into his pockets.
“These are for you.” She offered first, extending the hand which held the yellow roses. He took them and gave a nod in thanks.
“I was wondering if you’d like to talk for a bit. If that’s okay with you.” He disclosed. She could see a flame of hope in his eyes, a yearning for her to agree.
She agreed and the two made their way over to where she first saw him, in front of the grave that he had been kneeling over. He led the way and she couldn’t help but to study in from behind. He wore mourning clothes – a black dress shirt, black khakis, and black dress shoes. His accessories were minimal, a simple ring on his index finger and a cross necklace that hung low on his neck. His hair was brushed back, an unconventional royal blue, and she could see peeks of tattoos on his arms where he had rolled back his sleeves. He remained a mystery to her and she found herself wanted to know more about him.
Reaching the grave stone, she sat down first, her long billowing skirt making it easier for her to get comfortable. She placed the rosemary flowers in front of the stone.
He sat down next to her and crossed his legs in front of him as he the yellow roses.
“How did you know I would come today?” She glanced over to him from the corner of her eyes.
“I didn’t. I remembered your car from last time and saw it on my way here. It’s been a few years since we’ve first seen each other so I thought today was a good day as any other to finally meet you.” He looked over to her and gave a smile that nearly broke her heart.
“Ah.”
“I’m Jongup, by the way.” He offered his hand to her and she firmly grasped it.
“It’s nice to meet you, Jongup.” Letting go, she looked forward to the stone and read the quote, her lips moving as she silently read.
“He was my younger brother. Lost him 3 years ago.” Jongup whispered, his voice becoming much softer than it already was. She offered no words of comfort, no reassuring quotes because she knew that every person’s way of mourning was different and she did not want to assume that any words could possibly heal the wounds of losing a younger brother. “We were caught up in some bad and things turned for the worst. I couldn’t reach him fast enough and he was already gone.” They sat quietly, absorbing the depth of his words. It was one thing to lose someone due to natural causes and another to lose someone whose death you felt responsible for. She couldn’t fathom the amount of bitterness and rage that encompassed his soul, like a darkness that was so heavy no amount of light could penetrate the abyss. Her soul desperately cried out to provide comfort, to erase the sorrow she heard.
“It’s a beautiful quote.” She remarked instead.
“Thanks. And thanks for not saying you’re sorry.” She nodded in acknowledgement.
“I understand. My father died 5 years ago. He’s buried here too. Whenever someone would apologize, I wasn’t sure why they did. It didn’t bring me comfort. But I said thanks anyways. People get uncomfortable if you don’t accept their condolences.” Jongup agreed with her as he turned to look at the woman. She donned a soft smile, not quite reaching her eyes but a smile nonetheless. Turning to meet his gaze, she smiled wider and released a small chuckle. It stole his breath, as peace settled across his body like the raging storm has finally been calmed.
They had been dating for two years after their first meeting. He invited her to dinner to which she agreed. They had a lot more in common than she thought – they both loved old school hip hop, loved action movies, enjoyed staying home and relaxing rather than going out, enjoyed dancing for fun, brushed their teeth in the shower (although how they got on that topic still eluded her), and both had lost someone important in their lives. Everything just clicked after that and felt the most peace since then, something she had been craving since the death of her father.
There wasn’t any anxiety or suspicions with him, just peace.
They decided to stay in today and watch a movie and eat pizza due to the horrible weather outside.
“Okay want to watch Transformers or Salt?” he asked while chewing on pizza. He looked between the two movies before looking to her for an answer.
“I think… Transformers today.” She decided, stealing his slice of pizza and eating it herself. Jongup grinned and placed the movie into the DVD player. “Hey what are you doing?” She asked as he pressed the pause button.
“Actually, there as something I wanted to give to you before we watched the movie.” Reaching behind his TV screen, he pulled out primrose flowers. She took them from him and smiled widely.
“I love them.” She commented. Looking over to him, she could see that he seemed nervous.
“What’s wrong?” She inspected the flowers again and gasped when she saw an engagement ring tied between the ribbons on the stems. Jongup was in front of her now, kneeling on one knee and a gentle smile on his lips.
“You know I’m not good at speeches like these so I’m just going to say what’s on my mind. It’s been four years since we’ve first met and two since we started dating. From that moment, my life finally felt like it has been completed and I feel at peace whenever I’m with you. You understand me for who I am and I love that about you. I love you and I see my future with you in it. Will you marry me?” He finished and she could only nod in response, not trusting her voice to remain steady in that moment.
Jongup pulled the ring from the flowers and placed in on her left hand before reaching up to kiss her softly.
“I’m back!” She called out. Two pairs of feet ran towards her and tackled her legs.
“Mommy! Hurry, we made cake!” Her son and daughter ran back to the kitchen where she assumed her husband was. Thinking of the mess that could have potentially been created, she smiled to herself and followed her children to their destination.
Entering the kitchen, she could see splotches of flour scattered throughout the room and frosting on the cabinets. Her husband stood with a chocolate cake in his hands and a sheepish smile.
“We tried our best to keep it clean.” He offered as he placed the cake on the counter. Wrapping his hands around her waist, Jongup kissed her soundly which caused their children to exclaim in disgust.
“Yuckie!” Her daughter stuck out her tongue while her son pretended to gag.
“Too bad, before she’s your mother, she’s my wife and I will kiss my wife.” Jongup stated before kissing her once more.
“No more! Mommy you have to blow out the candles before they melt!” Their son said in excitement. She laughed once before blowing out the candles to their children’s delight.
“Alright you hooligans, take a slice and eat it.” Jongup teased. As their children happily dug into the cake, she pulled out bellflowers and handed them to her husband.
“Happy 10th anniversary, my love.” She murmured before pulling him into another kiss. She could feel Jongup smile as she pressed her lips harder into his.
“Ew! Mom! Dad!”
Asphodel: my regrets follow you to the grave
Elderflowers: compassion
Peony: healing
Dark pink roses: gratitude and appreciation
Yellow roses: friendship
Rosemary: remembrance
Primrose: eternal love
Bell flower: unwavering love
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