Last night, I had this bizarre dream about a killer chasing after me as if he were obsessed with me. I think it is foreshadowing something. And it happens to be a teacher from my high school. A middle aged man, balding a little, not very tall either nor very slim. It was so vivid that I thought it was real. The panting, the sweat dripping down my forehead and the begging to not be killed. Woke up in fear and a little traumatized. Can't trust anyone anymore. Nobody can be trusted in this world. Who knows the person you talk to everyday is secretly a murderer and you don't even have a damn clue about it, so you confide that person everything who now knows all your weaknesses, luring you as a bait would be a piece of cake.

I slightly hate the fact that in life we must make eye contact. Due to my anxiousness, poisonous thoughts fill my head such as thinking they are judging me silently with their straight b face, thinking that there would a high chance that they hate the likes of me or that I did something inappropriate to them. It's forcing me to avoid them while focusing on all these negative prejudices floating around me. I self diagnosed myself, turns out I discovered a possible disorder : avoidant personality disorder. Which is about people whose symptoms are to avoid social situations, being unable to maintain eye contact and to interact properly causing the words out of their mouth backwards. On occasions, I strongly sense guilt for no reason let alone the torment I have experienced.

Am I going crazy perhaps? Am I going to be sent in the asylum perhaps? I don't know, I don't know anymore! I don't want to go, I really don't. My mom scheduled plenty of appointments with my psychologist yet the aftermath remains the same. It is useless. It is of no help to me. I can't be cured. No matter how many sessions I take the more paranoid and anxious I become. I can't live like this forever. I want to be normal like people my age. Just why... Just why did they have to bully me? What did I do so wrong? Moving to the states was a mistake from the beginning. I should've never agreed with my parents. I should've just never existed. Maybe just maybe this would turn for the better. If I hadn't been delivered that day in a box in front of the house. 

Why did they have to take me under their wing that day? With open arms at that? They should've just mailed me back, deserted me, disposed of me! Why! Now I can't live peacefully. I am constantly haunted by this nightmare. Where american kids bully me, mock me and spout racist remarks at me! 

I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. It  was a terrible day. As I was getting out of the restroom, a random group of people made fun of my race as well as my height and shouted : "Ching Chong Chong". I felt upset at first but then I realized they're ignorant s who lack intelligence. First of all the