Lights On, Minds Off (Fall Into Me)

 

Jongin feels a number of emotions when he first lays eyes on Do Kyungsoo again. To see him on the set of his first drama after six long years, surprise, confusion, and nostalgia all wash over him in quick succession. Above all, though, is the overwhelming desire to run. His blood runs cold and there’s an unmistakable urge to get as far as humanly possible.

 

Honestly, he had been excited about this with it being his first acting job and all. After years of singing and dancing, slaving away in the same day in and day out routine of an idol group, he had been more than ready to break into other industries. And though acting had never been his first choice in industries to branch out into, it had been hard to refuse when his company had managed to land him a spot in one of the most anticipated drama series of the summer. Even if he wasn’t destined to be the star, he was more than happy with his part as the main character’s best friend.

 

It had all been pretty lowkey at first with a script sent over a couple of months after he’d signed on and a brief email of introduction from the director. Even with his months and months of dedicated work for Exo’s comeback, for the world tour the company had been hyping up for months on end, he had been counting down the days until his acting debut.

 

The excitement, the butterflies fluttering in his stomach had quickly been replaced with feelings of complete and utter dread when Kyungsoo, the industry’s newly proclaimed rising star, had turned towards him, touching their heads lightly together as the photographer’s camera flashed blinding white, and whispered in a voice that sent shivers down Jongin’s spine, “Stay away from me.” He’d paused, taking some time to readjust his pose and flash a smile before repeating through gritted teeth, “Stay the away from me and this will all go just fine.”

 

Jongin had just tightened his smile and nodded, looping his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders and pulling him in close. He could only hope that their promotional photos would convey some sense of false friendship, camaraderie. It’s just his luck that his character’s love interest just so happens to be his ex.

 

Filming doesn’t start until a good couple of months after the photoshoot and by then, the show is at the way back of Jongin’s mind. He forgets about it all, really, and his reminder comes in the form of his manager Junmyeon unceremoniously pounding on his apartment door at an ungodly hour in the morning.

 

“Is it too late to back out?” Jongin can’t help but groan as he drags himself towards the usual black van that Junmyeon always chauffeurs them around in.

 

“Already having problems with the other cast members?” Junmyeon teases, elbowing Jongin with enough force to have him stumbling to the side. “That was fast.”

 

“I’m a pretty agreeable person,” Jongin frowns as he climbs into his seat. For a moment, he thinks about mentioning Kyungsoo, about mentioning the fact that he’s going to have work with someone who is already predisposed to hating his guts, but the words die on his lips. He doubts Junmyeon would really care, anyways. “But I can’t guarantee that I’ll be the happiest person in the world when I have to wake up this early,” He finishes with a scowl.

 

“Just go to sleep. You’ll need all the energy you can get,” comes Junmyeon’s lofty reply. He’s getting into the driver’s seat, turning the keys. The engine roars to life and Jongin just tips his head onto the window of the car, closing his eyes. He falls asleep to Junmyeon’s soft voice humming along to the radio.

 

As it turns out, Jongin’s scene isn't scheduled until later in the afternoon, but he’s still ushered onto the set as soon as the filming starts. Years of doing the whole idol thing, though, and he knows why. These precious couple of hours are supposed to be the time to talk to people, socialize. Make connections, the nagging voice that sounds a bit like Junmyeon says in the back of Jongin’s head. He spends the morning alternating between finally flipping through the pages of the script and striking up conversation with whoever will have him.

 

He only makes it through the first few pages of the scene, if he’s being totally honest, but it’s enough to know that he has a fair amount of scenes with the main star and to say he’s nervous would be an understatement. He’s used to being filmed, having the camera on him, up close and personal, and it’s usually not a big deal; it’s all kinds of different this time. This time around, he honestly feels like he’s about to piss his pants by the time he’s being carted out in front of the camera and he can only hope that the camera is panned out enough so that no one can see the way he’s starting to sweat.

 

It begins with the main actor speaking, a whole dramatic monologue about his terrible meeting with the heroine, but Jongin just can’t focus on what he’s saying, on how he should at least be trying to feign interest in whatever the guy’s saying, because he’s just so focused on his upcoming line, repeating it over and over again in his head as he rubs his fingers together out of habit.

 

It’s his turn to speak now if the main actor’s pause is anything to go by. He doesn't want to blame it on Kyungsoo specifically because he’s just standing right there, leaning up against the wall with the most condescending expression displayed quite openly on his features, but they’re all there. The whole cast, the whole crew, they're all just looking at him, waiting, anticipating, and something about it all has his heart speeding up. His hands are all clammy and suddenly the air is too warm, too suffocating. He chokes, unable to think of even some slaughtered rendition of his expected response to keep the conversation. He’s just sitting there, breathing in and out a bit too loudly in a way that he’s sure is audible through his mic, and even if he was to say something, anything, the window of opportunity has long passed and no amount of editing will make this look like a cohesive conversation and he honestly doesn’t know what to do.

 

“Cut!” The director calls out after a tortuous minute, finally putting him out of his misery. There’s disappointment in the way Jongin sees her shake her head, but he tries not to think about it, just walks off the stage to get some water. His face feels about two shades too red and he doesn’t look at anyone as he goes.

 

To make matters worse, the director follows him off stage to confront him, to ask how he’s doing, if something’s wrong. And it’s a nice gesture, really, but it’s too much unnecessary attention, not to mention utterly embarrassing in another sense. It’s like he’s a baby that needs to be checked on every couple of minutes. In the politest way possible, Jongin’s asking her to go away, asking to be left alone so he can recollect himself.  

 

The next couple of tries don't go much better. Even though Jongin does manage to get out his starting lines, he can’t, for the life of him, remember what he’s supposed to be saying next. He’s given little cue lines at first, just a word that’s meant to jog his memory, but even he knows he’s pushing it when he’s asking for the starting word of every line in the script. “You did memorize the script, right?” Someone -- the head scriptwriter, Jongin thinks -- finally asks, but something in the finality of his tone shows that he already knows the answer.

 

Jongin only hangs his head, afraid to disappoint, but he knows he already has. He’s letting everyone down and he’s not used to this. He’s not used to being bad at something. Everything’s always come easily to him; he figured the same would just apply here.

 

At a certain point, even the director loses patience with him. “How about you just go home for today?” She asks in a sickly sweet voice, as if she’s not telling him to leave the set. “We have some time before we have to get all the footage to editing. How about you rest up for tonight and come back to finish this up tomorrow?”

 

He really can't do anything else other than apologize profusely before scurrying off set. As he passes by the rest of the actors, he swears he hears Kyungsoo mumble under his breath, “Should’ve went with a better actor.”

 

He tries his best not to look hurt.

 

The next couple days of filming are a little better after Jongin actually takes the time to commit his lines to memory. It’s nothing perfect -- he hadn't expected perfect, you can't expect perfect from just repeating lines in front of your stuffed animal multiple times -- and he knows some things come off stiff, awkward, but it’s better than before. It’s acceptable, he would like to think. He also knows that the first episode is already set to air soon and that the producers have yet edit all the tapes and really, time is running out. His scenes are only considered passable as a result of desperation and a promise for heavy editing; Jongin doesn’t like to think about that though.

 

The first episode actually airs within the week and Jongin would be nervous about the show's ratings and how his rookie acting would be received if he wasn’t just so wrung out from endless fansigns and never ending schedules. It completely slips his mind.

 

He doesn't even remember what day the drama is supposed to air on until Chanyeol follows him home from practice one day, an enormous bag of popcorn in tow.

 

“The others would be here,” He starts out as Jongin reluctantly lets him into his apartment, “Except they’re all at that one radio show tonight and I think Jongdae might still be sick.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Jongin squints.

 

“Your drama,” Chanyeol adds in helpfully, “It airs today. Aren't you excited?”

 

Jongin freezes. He knew that he’d forgotten something, that his brain made note of this one seemingly arbitrary date for a reason, and now he feels the all anxiety that should've been slowly infecting his mind throughout the day slam into him all at once. “,” He breathes out as Chanyeol pushes past him to make himself right at home on Jongin’s couch.

 

“It starts in five minutes,” Chanyeol continues, commandeering the remote to flip to the right station. “Hurry up.”

 

Jongin just glances at the empty space next to Chanyeol, looks up at the tv screen that’s advertising the drama’s debut coming up next, and he takes a deep breath. “I’ll be right back,” he mumbles, suddenly aware of just how sticky and generally uncomfortable he feels in sweat soaked clothes. It’s the turn of summer in Seoul and humidity sticks to him like a second skin. “I’m gonna go shower, just start without me.”

 

Chanyeol just grunts in response, already shoveling a generous handful of popcorn into his mouth.

 

The first thing Jongin hears when he steps out of his shower is the sound of Chanyeol’s rambunctious laughter, the deep timbre resonating throughout the otherwise silent apartment. Jongin steps out of the bathroom clad in only a bath towel slung around his waist and he squints at the tv screen to see what’s so funny. It’s paused, Chanyeol’s left it on some random frame, and Jongin tries to make out what’s on the screen but his contacts are already out and his glasses are back in his bedroom. He just shrugs, doesn't really think to question it, and returns to his room to get changed.

 

When he’s in the middle of putting on his shirt, his phone vibrates. There's a new picture message that Chanyeol sent to the Exo group chat, but Jongin can’t really be bothered to check it because the guy is perpetually spamming their chat with stupid pictures from some of the most obscure places on the Internet. He just mutes notifications from the group for a little bit to filter out any conversation relating to whatever Chanyeol just sent and walks back out to the living room.

 

Chanyeol’s sitting there when he returns, the show is no longer paused, and his guest is just avidly watching the main character’s tragic back story unfold. Jongin wordlessly takes a seat next to him and Chanyeol glances over for just a second but that second is enough for Chanyeol’s serious facade to crack with an uncontrollable choke of laughter. Chanyeol immediately reigns himself back in, composes himself, and offers Jongin the popcorn bag that’s already half empty.

 

Jongin doesn't say anything, just fishes out a couple of pieces and munches on them thoughtfully. He’s sure he'll regret letting Chanyeol into his apartment later.

 

(And sure enough he does. There’s a new Instagram post from Sehun the next day. It’s a screenshot of Jongin, in all his glory. Except it's from the one part in the opening scene where he had happened to sneeze in the background and the director had still marked it off as the cut with the least amount of mistakes. The picture just so happens to be the one single frame that had best caught the way Jongin’s face contorted quite nastily midsneeze and there’s a caption at the bottom of the pixelated photo that says, So proud of our little Jonginie along with a string of emojis and unnecessary hashtags and sometimes Jongin really hates his group members.)

 

All in all, the reviews for the first episode are pretty good. Despite his mechanical delivery and awkward motions, a lot of Jongin’s fans had tuned in and there are forums across the board blowing up with people waxing poetic about Jongin’s first television appearance. He can't help but puff up his chest in pride whenever he reads the exaggerated words of praise.

 

There’s some negative comments of course -- they’re pretty much unavoidable at his height of fame -- and there’s one specific one by some user named Dyodo0112 who seems to find a particular joy in ripping Jongin’s performance to shreds. The words are just so striking, the commentary just beautifully savage, painstakingly brutal, and Jongin would have thoroughly enjoyed the review had it not been trying to personally slam his career down the ter.

 

Jongin can’t help but wonder what loser has nothing better to do than all over his hard work.

 

When he arrives back on set, the atmosphere is a lot different. The director is practically bounding with joy at the success of the first episode and everyone else seems to feed off her energy. The shooting for episode two goes by pretty well, pretty uneventful as the majority of the episode centers primarily around the development of the main couple, but Jongin and Kyungsoo have a scene this time. It’s supposed to be of their character’s first meeting, the whole meet-cute, love at first sight kind of thing and Jongin has no idea how he’s supposed to make this work considering the very not meet-cute situation that’s going on between them. It’s nothing too terribly aggressive, but it’s at least a very noticeable tension between them. A plainly present kind of one-sided animosity complete with dirty looks and the good old fashioned cold shoulder. Jongin can’t imagine how they are supposed to pretend to fall in love like this.

 

He quickly finds out that he’s got nothing to worry about.

 

Now, he knew Kyungsoo’s a good actor. He’s seen enough of Kyungsoo’s previous dramas to know that the hype surrounding the rising actor is completely justified, but it’s something else to see the way Kyungsoo transforms in front of the camera.

 

Kyungsoo goes first, starting out with simply ordering some coffee from the actor playing the barista, but there are some minor changes in his body language, in the way he holds himself that show that no, he is not up-and-coming actor Do Kyungsoo, but rather the soft-spoken but eccentric character that he’s supposed to play.

 

Jongin’s cue is fast approaching, but he just can't stop watching the way Kyungsoo walks with his shoulders purposefully hunched forward a bit, his steps more muddled together into something of a shuffle. He’s creating mannerisms for the character, a distinct set of characterizing actions. It’s like a whole story unfolding in one simple motion.

 

The director’s voice snaps Jongin out of his thoughts and he’s advancing into the coffee shop now, the camera man slowly trailing behind him. When he enters, he’s supposed to sweep his gaze over the entirety of the shop before he settles onto Kyungsoo and so he does just that.

 

“Hi,” Kyungsoo breathes out when their eyes finally meet. It’s a single word, a single syllable, but there’s something about the way that Kyungsoo’s lips wrap around the sound that makes it sound like Jongin’s taken his breath away.

 

“Hi,” Jongin practically squawks and it’s not an attractive noise, no, but the director’s nice enough to let the mistake go. Maybe it can be seen as Jongin taking creative liberty, his character’s nerves getting to the best of him.

 

In the script, Jongin’s character is supposed to go up to Kyungsoo’s character. They’re supposed to have a nice little chat in the coffeehouse. Jongin’s supposed to act suave, supposed to act like this is a thing that he normally does. Like he’s used to picking up random guys in random coffee shops, and Kyungsoo’s supposed to see right through that.

 

He swaggers over to the table Kyungsoo’s situated at, his posture straight but casual, his shoulders purposefully moving in exaggerated swings. He’s hoping this all doesn't look as awkward as it feels. “Hi,” Jongin repeats as he slides into seat across from him.

 

“You said that already,” Kyungsoo replies and Jongin knew that was coming. He’d read the script and he knew that line was next, but he can't help but feel the second-hand embarrassment from the character he’s playing. He lets the feeling manifest into a sheepish expression. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the director flash a thumbs up. He takes a deep breathe before moving on.

 

They manage to segue into a friendly chat about coffee and other things of flitting interests, but their characters aren't meant to go into anything personal. They barely offer their names, too distracted by their current mundane thread of conversation to make it any more than an afterthought. Kyungsoo’s coffee comes in a little while after that, but it doesn't put a halt to their chitchat; the sips are timed perfectly into the cadence of conversation.

 

“Hey,” Jongin says a bit loudly only after Kyungsoo‘s finished with his drink. He watches as Kyungsoo shifts in his chair in anticipation for what’s coming up next. Jongin’s a bit anxious himself. “You have, uhm, something on your face. Let me get it for you?” It’s not meant to be a question, but Jongin’s delivery is undeniably shaky. His heart is pounding and he’s not exactly sure why.

 

As per the script, his hand reaches up slowly to wipe the bit of cream that’s settled on top of Kyungsoo’s lip. His fingers make gentle contact with Kyungsoo’s lip, his hand moving to shape around the curve of Kyungsoo’s chin and Kyungsoo gives a sharp inhale. Jongin can feel the subsequent soft exhale and it’s sending shivers down his spine.

 

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo breathes out and he’s staring straight at Jongin. His eyes are clear, readable, but Jongin can’t see the residual resentment towards him in them. He can't see anything besides surprise, vulnerability, and plain attraction toward Jongin’s character.

 

They finish the scene like that, the two of them staring straight into each other’s eyes, unmoving. Unwavering. Jongin supposes that the scene would be awkward with anyone else, but he can't help but be into Kyungsoo’s gaze, can’t help but get lost in the familiar warmth in his eyes. He stares at Jongin like he’s the sun and Jongin had forgotten how much he’d loved being in his gaze. He also can’t help but creep his hand forward as it travels up his jawline and ends up caressing Kyungsoo’s cheek. The skin is softer than Jongin remembers.

 

The second the scene is over, Kyungsoo turns away, rips his face from Jongin’s hand. He’s out of the coffee shop within the minute and Jongin is left sitting there with the residual warmth left in his fingertips.

 

They’re not even a good three episodes into the drama when Jongin’s manager is already trying to convince him to bring along one of his other members. It’s supposed to be a PR stunt, show that the whole group is indeed as friendly and close as they’re marketed. This is how Sehun manages to twist Jongin’s arm to come along. He comes along under the guise of moral support, but Jongin really knows it’s just an excuse to take a day off.

 

“Okay so rule one: You can’t embarrass me.” Jongin says as soon as Sehun steps into the van. He slips into the seat directly next to Jongin, making a big fuss of buckling in his seat belt.

 

“When do I ever embarrass you?”  Sehun counters defensively and even he is having trouble keeping a straight face. “Okay,” He relents even though Jongin hasn't said anything. “Okay I will not try to purposefully embarrass you.”

 

“Why can't you just you just promise not to embarrass me?”

 

“Hyung,” Sehun shoots Jongin a meaningful look, his lips already threatening to curl up and break his pseudo serious facade. “I think we both know that's a promise I can't keep.”

 

Whenever they arrive, Sehun seems fairly unimpressed by the whole setup, taking in the whole set in one fell swoop of his eyes before choosing to settle down comfortably into a chair. They’re doing all of the filming indoors, scheduling all of the outside shooting for tomorrow. Jongin supposes it would’ve been more interesting had Sehun come then, but the thought disappears whenever he sees Sehun keeping himself entertained by enthusiastically chatting up one of the stylists. Jongin leaves the two alone whenever Sehun whips out his phone to start taking pictures of him and his new friend.

 

Amazingly, Sehun remains rooted in said chair for an astonishing amount of time, not bothering to get up for anything other than the occasional bathroom break. The long hours of shooting are over before Jongin knows it and he’s surprised to find Sehun in possibly the same exact position he had left him in. What’s new is that there’s three extension cords that are all long and tangled and somehow configured in order to hook up Sehun’s phone, tablet, and computer to an outlet that’s really no more than a meter away. Jongin does suppose that perhaps moving the chair that distance away would be far too excessive.

 

“You’re done?” Sehun asks as he plucks his earbud out of his ear. The music is blasting loud enough for Jongin to recognize that it’s actually one of their songs. Specifically, it seems to be only Sehun’s part on repeat. He doesn’t continue on that thread of thought, though, it’s something he’ll think about another day.

 

“You know you’re not really doing our reputation any favours by just sitting around and using the free wifi.” Jongin says instead, but there’s no real frustration in his voice. It’s Sehun. He really didn’t expect anything more.

 

Sehun sits up a little bit. He has the audacity to look offended. “I’ll have you know that I talked to people. I networked.”

 

“With who? Name one person.”

 

“That one guy, Minseok,” Sehun answers and Jongin’s half surprised that he managed to name someone, not to mention someone that he himself has never actually interacted with. “He’s the manager of the actor Do Kyungsoo. That’s the guy you’re obsessed with, right?”

 

And somehow Sehun’s timing is worse than normal. Somehow he manages to say this a little bit too loudly at just the moment Kyungsoo and the man he’s pretty sure is Minseok walk by and Jongin can’t slap his hand over Sehun’s mouth fast enough. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” He hisses as he watches the two of them walk away. Neither of them seem to have heard, but Minseok notices them. Notices Jongin and his hand’s current position of Sehun’s mouth and just kinda squints before offering up a weird smile and walking a little faster. “I am not obsessed with him, you .” Jongin hisses once Kyungsoo and Minseok are both out of the room. He shoves Sehun for emphasis.

 

“I think all those photo collection of him you have on your computer beg to differ. Not to mention all of his dramas, movies, and interviews you watch” Sehun rebuts with a knowing smirk. It takes all of Jongin’s will not to say something, not to clarify his position on Kyungsoo to Sehun, to tell him that no, he’s not obsessed. He’s just checking up on Kyungsoo, keeping up with things just to see what he’s up to, make sure he’s doing alright or something along those lines. It might seem a little excessive, but it’s normal, Jongin thinks. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

But he doesn't really know how to do it without letting it slip that they’ve dated before. He just shakes his head instead and Sehun seems to take that as a cue to continue on. “I heard he plays your love interest in the drama. That must be the dream.”

 

Jongin thinks back to the last couple weeks of bitter glares and less than amicable relations, of stagnant conversation and uncomfortable silences that leave something to be said. He shrugs. “I’d hardly call our relationship the dream.”

 

“You still have months of filming ahead of you. That’s more than enough time to turn things around, to get whatever it is you want out this whole experience.”

 

And it physically pains Jongin to admit this, but Sehun’s right. They’ve barely just begun shooting; it’s a bit stupid to just accept the rigid space that Kyungsoo’s so determined to keep between them. “You think I should apologize?” Jongin asks before he can stop himself. The words have Sehun’s eyes widening, a wash of emotions actually overtaking his expression. It’s easy to see the surprise over the fact the Jongin’s actually asking for advice.

 

“What’d you do to him?” Sehun asks slowly, cautiously. His tone is flat, but Jongin thinks he detects just the slightest bit of concern laced into his words. “You didn’t like stalk him or do anything weird to him, right?”

 

That’s enough to have Jongin socking his bandmate in the arm, not feeling an ounce of remorse as Sehun crumples next to him. “Forget it,” He shakes his head, “You wanna go get something to eat?”

 

It’s only when Sehun’s down on his nth cup of bubble tea that he starts to say, “You should apologize. Even if it wasn’t anything serious or something that you think is necessarily your fault, this show, these couple of months of filming are an opportunity and I think you’ll regret it if you don’t at least try to fix whatever’s going down between you two. Even if it doesn’t work out, you tried and that must be enough to clear your conscience; if it doesn’t work out, you’ll know that it’s at least no longer because of you.”

 

With a straw shoved into his cheek, some chocolate smudged at the corner of his lip, Sehun has never seemed so knowledgeable.

 

Nothing really changes in the next couple of weeks. Jongin still hasn’t worked up the courage to talk, to apologize to Kyungsoo so there’s still the same hostile dynamic between Jongin and Kyungsoo, the actors. It all manages to melt away, though, whenever the cameras start rolling, replaced with lingering touches, with soft smiles, and just plain and pure desire dancing in their eyes.

 

It’s actually pretty impressive, Jongin thinks, that there’s never any slip ups between the two extremes. It's so separate, disconnected. He’s amazed by Kyungsoo’s professionalism.

 

He can't say the same about his own acting.

 

For the most part, he’s not bad. It’s not like he has to gloss over six years of boiling hatred with bright eyes and pretty smiles, not like Kyungsoo. He has it a bit easier what with the way he can just talk to Kyungsoo like normal. With the way he can fall back into the past, into the old love with soft touches and stolen glances. There’s really no danger in slipping out of character.

 

There’s only one time when the mishap is so blaringly obvious, though.

 

It’s for one of the more dramatic scenes. Something or other has happened with Kyungsoo’s job as an unexpected consequence of the antagonist’s evil plan. The plot’s getting complex, intertwining all sorts of twist and turns to keep it interesting, but Jongin can't find it in himself to keep up. All he knows is that Kyungsoo’s character is sad and it's his character’s job to go cheer him up. Simple enough.

 

The meeting is by chance; it's Jongin’s character stumbling across a sleepy street corner where Kyungsoo’s character is sitting alone. He’s to make the first move only after making a show of debating whether or not to comfort the man. When he does, he’s to squat down next to him and speak softly.

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes jerk up when Jongin’s in position, acting like Jongin’s presence comes as a surprise. His eyes are a bit puffy, a bit red, but Jongin’s pretty sure that most of it is the work of the makeup artist. He mentally applauds her skills. “What are you doing here?” Kyungsoo asks in the most pathetic voice imaginable. He’s smart enough to add in a little voice crack in there as he sniffles.

 

“I think that’s really the question I should be asking you.” Jongin replies, gesturing to his position on the empty street.

 

From there, it's Kyungsoo’s job to narrate the past episode’s events, adding in details of his own perspective to make his predicament more understandable. Jongin just zones out, watches the way the flickering lights reflect on Kyungsoo’s milky skin, the way his eyelashes flutter up and down. Kyungsoo hasn’t changed much in all these years. The planes of his face are so familiar, the moles that are splayed on the expanse of his neck simple constellations that he had mapped out so many times before. Jongin briefly wonders what’d it be like if he did it again. If Kyungsoo would shiver like before, face flushing in embarrassment like all the times before when Jongin had trailed his tongue over his skin. He wonders if Kyungsoo would scrape his nails into Jongin’s back, back arching and eyes wild as Jongin would trail lower and lower and-- Jongin’s snapped out of his thoughts whenever Kyungsoo covers his face. It’s his cue to go.

 

“Hey hey,” He starts with a hushed whisper. He’s setting a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder in a way that’s supposed to be comforting. “It’ll be okay.” The words hang flat in the air, the sincerity clearly not there. Jongin’s embarrassed that his intonation could be so monotonous.

 

The scene continues on anyways as Kyungsoo starts to spill more things, more secrets that the series has just scratched the surface of. “I just…” He sniffs out, voice hitching on the words. “I just don't know what I’m supposed to do.”

 

This is where the grand crying scene is supposed to start and Jongin’s never been on a set before; he’s never actually seen what happens behind the scenes of these emotional parts. He half expects Kyungsoo to pull out some eye drops and squirt them into his eye.

 

He’s disappointed on that front. Kyungsoo’s able to cry on command apparently, doesn't need the assistance of artificial tears to convey the scene. It starts slowly as his eyes turn glassy, tears building in the corners. It’s not a lot of build up. It’s just Kyungsoo’s bottom lip quivering, his breath turning ragged and harsh. The first tear falls slowly, carving out a path down Kyungsoo’s cheek and hanging off the edge of his jaw, threatening to fall from its precarious position. The second, third soon follow suit and before Jongin’s knows it, they’re streaming down his face faster than he can count.

 

He’s speechless, helpless as he watches Kyungsoo’s shoulders jerk up in rhythm with his inhales.

There’s pathetic sounds of whimpering, a quickly reddening face and Jongin just feels so lost. He’s falling into the dark pools of Kyungsoo’s eyes, drowning and he can't breathe. His chest hurts in the worst way imaginable. “Kyungsoo,” He whispers out as his head spins and his heart pounds.

 

Kyungsoo looks up. They lock gazes and it’s different this time. Kyungsoo’s gaze, something about the look in his eyes, it’s different and it's not in the script, but something has Jongin’s hand lurching forward to wipe at the tears falling from Kyungsoo’s eyes. “Don't cry,” He says softly, foregoing the line he’s actually supposed to deliver. “Please don't waste your tears on this.”

 

Kyungsoo looks up at him and there's a look of surprise. For just a second, a brief cut of time, his tears stop.

 

Neither of them say anything at first and Kyungsoo’s clearly confused, but he’s trying his best to filter it out of his expression. As Jongin’s hand cups around his chin, the crying starts up again and the tears are falling easily, dripping off and settling into dark spots on Kyungsoo’s clothes. He knows it’s fake, that this is all just an act, but he can feel exactly how his heart breaks into a million pieces with each drop that comes skating down.

 

Jongin moves his head forward, breaches into Kyungsoo’s space, and they’re close enough to touch. He leaves a centimeter between their lips, Jongin careful to judge the distance. For just a second, he wonders if Kyungsoo’s lips would taste salty.

 

He changes the angle a bit, pushing his head forward. He lets their noses brush together gently before he lets their foreheads touch. They sit like this, not daring to break contact.

 

He’s probably going cross-eyed from their proximity, but Jongin can't stop looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes because they’re just so beautiful and he wants to say that. He wants to tell Kyungsoo how he could get lost in his gaze but he swallows down the words. Saves them for another day.

 

His heart’s a steady thud, the quickened rate unnatural, but comforting in some way or another. He swallows. “It’ll be okay. Please don’t cry.” And at this point, he can't help it with the way that they’re just so so close and Kyungsoo smells so so good. It's hard to control himself. He’s lunging forward now, but even he knows that he can't take this too far. There’s at least something inside him that’s telling him to reign it in, to not push it too far, and he ends up pressing his lips quickly to Kyungsoo’s forehead. It’s simple, chaste, but he can feel the way Kyungsoo is staring at him now, afraid of how to react.

 

They finish like this: confused and breathless.

 

When the scene reaches a close, he expects the director to scold him for running off script. He expects them to have to reshoot, expects Kyungsoo’s usual exasperated sighs. What he doesn't expect is for the whole crew to start clapping for him. He’s speechless and he can’t help but glance at Kyungsoo for answers.

 

Kyungsoo seems just as blown away, eyes wide and lips just slightly parted. The moment’s broken when his tongue darts out to wet his lips and he manages to transform his face back into its default stoic expression. “That wasn’t on the script,” He points out flatly.

 

There’s a hushed murmur amongst the director and the screenwriters by her side, but one speaks up, “I think this is better than what’s on the script. It’s real, it’s genuine. The viewers are going to love it.”

 

He’s escorted off the scene by a couple of the screenwriters who continually ask him about how he came up with the scene, what compelled him to do it. Jongin’s not entirely sure of the answer himself. It takes a bit of time to shake them off him, but they finally bid him adieu as he makes his way into one of the makeup trailers.

 

The crew had rented out quite a few trailers, some as just a place to take a break and relax, others for makeup and clothes, but Jongin’s surprised when he just so happens to stumble into the one Kyungsoo is also residing in. He’s by no means graceful when coming in; his entrance is preceded by the sounds of his sneakers tripping over the steps and the groan of the door as it swings open, and Kyungsoo locks eyes with him as soon as he steps foot in.

 

Since the beginning of all of this, they’ve never been alone. Always surrounded by the constant rolling cameras and the prying eyes of the staff members, they’ve really never had time to themselves and it’s making Jongin a bit nervous. From the way the actor’s hands are folded neatly in his lap, he looks civil enough, but Jongin wouldn’t put it past him to just go and throw a punch.

 

“Hi,” He all but squeaks out and it’s dumb, really, because he’s been thinking, planning, plotting how to get Kyungsoo alone and how to get over his own sense of pride and fear to finally just talk to him and this is the best line he can come up with.

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t even grace his words with a response. He just swivels back around in his chair to face the mirror, but he somehow doesn’t manage to break eye contact with Jongin. He watches Jongin through his reflection.

 

“It’s been a while, huh?” Jongin just tries to start conversationally and with some sort of false sense of courage, he’s walking up to Kyungsoo and taking the seat right next to him.

 

“If you wanted to just sit around and chat,” Kyungsoo starts out. The sudden response catches Jongin by surprise; he honestly hadn’t expected this much development from just the first conversation. “I don’t think that I’m the best person to go to.”

 

The scarcely concealed malice underlying Kyungsoo’s tone is new. He sounds so angry, resentful, but Jongin supposes it's justified. “Don’t worry, I’m not,” Jongin forces out a laugh, “I just wanted to know how you’re doing.”

 

“I’m surprised that you have the time to give a damn considering the fact that you must be oh-so-busy as an idol.” The words come out quick, poisonous in an obvious hint at something bigger. Kyungsoo only continues on, “Why are you here, Jongin? Why couldn’t you just stay away?”

 

“Look I didn’t know that you were going to be in this. I didn’t know--”

 

“Why do you have to test me?” Kyungsoo interrupts, his eyes narrowed down into unforgiving slits, “Why do you have to push at the line when you know I’m already just a second away from ripping your pretty little head off?”

 

And Jongin knows what he’s talking about. Knows that he’s referring to Jongin’s little impromptu scene, to how he’d overstepped his boundaries. It’s hard enough for Kyungsoo to do this, to swallow down six years of cultivated resentment for the sake of a show, and it must be about a thousand times harder when he’s out there throwing in things that Kyungsoo hasn’t emotionally prepared himself for, hasn’t trained himself to be ready for. “I’m sorry,” Jongin says sheepishly, head ducked in a way to avoid Kyungsoo’s burning gaze, “About this. About what happened. About everything.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” comes Kyungsoo’s grumbled response, but Jongin can hear the way the actor shifts in his seat. He glances up to see Kyungsoo busying himself with his phone, promptly ignoring Jongin’s general existence.

 

“What do you think about?” Jongin starts off slowly when the silence is passing out of the area of discomfort and into the realm of being a step away from gouging his eyes out. He supposes that this is Kyungsoo’s way of saying that he’s long overstayed his welcome, but something about his pride and really just his internal resistance to let Kyungsoo win keeps him there. It has him asking a question out of the blue: “When you cry. What do you think about?”

 

And Kyungsoo glances up at Jongin. It’s just for a second, an expression pulled into confusion at either the question or why Jongin is asking the question. He’s facing straight ahead just seconds later. “Why?” is his only response and it’s cold and clipped but Jongin didn't really expect anything else.

 

“I don't know,” Jongin answers truthfully, “Just as a tip? From one actor to another.”

 

Kyungsoo snorts at the idea, probably at Jongin referring to himself as an actor, but he lowers his gaze in thought. “I think about you,” He answers and at first something about his tone seems genuine, sincere. Vulnerable. He’s glossing it over quickly, adding in with a voice pumped full of spite. “I thought about how I’m stuck doing one of my biggest gigs with you.” The last word is stressed, venom clear and present as he says it.

 

Jongin just shrugs, attempts to lighten the mood, “I guess it's enough to bring anyone to tears.”

 

Later that night, Jongin’s reading through more of his fans’ ravings about his latest episode when he comes across some more slanderous comments from that same username, Dyodo0112. This time, the criticisms are far longer, the longest one being a total of 7 typed pages as Jongin finds out when he pastes it onto a document out of curiosity. It’s amazing, really. How someone could dedicate so much time and energy to trying express their apparent disdain for him. He briefly wonders if he did something to offend this guy personally.

 

He doesn’t usually react to hate comments. He doesn’t see the point in fighting with people who hide behind the safety of an online username. But something about the comments, something about the fact that it’s very late at night and he may or may not have had a little something to drink has him logging into his own super secret fake fan account, Jonginster, and typing out a very eloquent message to his surprisingly dedicated anti-fan.

 

“Ok but could u not?”

 

He sends the message and closes the tab before he can think anymore about it.

 

After another couple of weeks of shooting, Jongin’s finally gotten into the routine, no longer nervous whenever he steps onto the set. He’s established some kind of relationship akin to friendship with the other actors, even managed to get to the point where Kyungsoo actually makes comments straight to his face.

 

It’s thoughtless sneers, words sniped at any and every point that Jongin is trying to make but honestly speaking, Jongin’s just happy that Kyungsoo’s talking to him, interacting even though it isn't dictated by some prewritten script. He tries his best to be optimistic about this whole thing, relishing in the fact that it could be worse. A part of him knows he probably deserves much worse.

 

There’s one particular day, though, when Jongin is feeling off, when he’s running off of even less than his usual couple hours of sleep, and he’s just so physically exhausted, it hurts to even move. His back is acting up again; it’s always been an on and off ailment since debut but he’s never had enough time off to think of long term treatment and he certainly doesn't have the time now to go in for a check up.

 

He could say he’s used to this by now, handled worst whenever he had messed up his ankle that one time a couple years back, and he theoretically should be capable of making it through the day of shooting with the usual smile on his face and feigned enthusiasm, but something just rubs him the wrong way. Someone, actually, Kyungsoo, and normally he can deal with the snide comments, the little jibes, but this isn't a normal day and Jongin is feeling far less tolerant.

 

It’s nothing big really, just Kyungsoo being stupid and petty again and Jongin really should learn to just not let it get under his skin, but for once, he can't just stand by and let Kyungsoo just do whatever. Jongin draws the line whenever Kyungsoo gets the grand idea of just smacking his plate to the ground.

 

He just blinks at it for a second, takes in the fact that Kyungsoo is childish enough to waste precious food just to prove a stupid point and he explodes. “What the is your problem?” Jongin spits out with as much venom as possible.

 

Kyungsoo just shrugs, doesn't meet Jongin’s gaze. “It was an accident,” He writes off even though it’s a shoddy excuse at best. No freak arm spasm would’ve managed to do what he had done.

 

“The it was,” He throws back and he’s stepping closer to Kyungsoo now, demanding the actor’s attention.

 

He’s granted it, at least, when Kyungsoo looks back with this look of offense. He looks incredulous, mouth just a slight bit ajar to more effectively show his disbelief. “Are you calling me a liar?”

 

And thankfully there’s not a whole lot of people around, most of the actors and staff had been relocated to another shooting area, so it's just him and Kyungsoo and a couple of other uncaring stragglers. He takes this chance to get physical. Something he would never do given normal circumstances, but right now, in the moment, it just seems like the right thing to do so he does it. He pushes Kyungsoo back, shoves him in a way not unlike how a kindergartener would do it, and Kyungsoo drops his own plate. His gaze draws down to the spoiled food, and then back up to Jongin.

 

He’s mirroring Jongin’s body language now, rigid and volatile.

 

“What the is your problem?” Jongin repeats and his voice has dropped to a growl.

 

“You should’ve gotten out of my way,” Kyungsoo retorts. He’s not even bothering to act coy as he switches straight to accusations.

 

It makes Jongin want to laugh what with the way Kyungsoo looks so serious right now, as if in some way, what he did would be considered right. “What is wrong with you?” Jongin says in disbelief. There’s an edge of an unamused laugh laced in there but it's replaced quickly with a much sharper tone. “Why are you so intent on ing with me?”

 

“Don't talk to me like that,” Kyungsoo spits out.

 

“I’ve put up with this for the past couple of weeks. I’ve let you be petty and straight up immature because I figured you’d move past it.” Jongin’s voice is rising, the volume pitching closer and closer to something of scream. “I apologized. I tried to be the bigger person and you’ve made it quite clear that you want nothing more than to resort to childish antics.”

 

“Apologized?” Kyungsoo’s choking out a laugh, face contorting into disbelief. “You call using some bull umbrella terms apologizing? Nine words. Not an ounce of sincerity. Did you think that was going to just transform our whole relationship?”

 

And really, thinking back, it was stupid to be so optimistic, to be so naive. Even he knows that his attempt at apologizing, at trying to win back Kyungsoo’s favor was half assed at best. Kyungsoo deserves more, deserves better than some shoddy attempt at reconciliation and when Jongin’s thinking more clearly, maybe he’ll revisit that fact. For now, he’s just shaking his head, acting out in disbelief. “It’s not like you were the most receptive. It’s not like if I even said something remotely meaningful, you’d actually listen to what I had to say. I just figured that’d you’d notice that I was making an effort. Here I was thinking that with time you would come to realize how ing stupid you’re being and you’d put an end to this whole petty little ordeal that you seem so insistent on putting between us.”

 

“Wow I wonder why,” Kyungsoo retorts sarcastically with an equally withering look. “It’s not like you deserve it. ‘S not like you broke up with me, left me in pitch black streets without reason, not like you abandoned me for something better.”

 

“Something better?” Jongin all but squawks out but he’s quick to recompose himself, the tone settling back into unfiltered frustration. He narrows his eyes, sets his mouth into a rigid line. “Kyungsoo, that was my dream, my future. That’s being unfair.”

 

“I don’t have to be fair because this is what I feel -- felt -- and I’m not going to censor myself to make room for your little ego.” He hisses back, “This is how it is, this is how I see it, and if you think that a couple of hastily thrown together apologies are going to be able to fix the way you shattered my heart into tiny little bits and pieces, then I think you must be far more clueless than I ever thought.”

 

“I’m not asking you to pardon what I did; I’m just asking you to not hold it against me. Not to let it infect every single one of our interactions when we’re here. When we’re supposed to be professionals.” It’s irritating, and for once, Jongin is giving in to the overwhelming feelings of anger. It comes to him in waves and it just building and building in a way that pits in the bottom of his stomach.

 

“I’m not really sure how you expect me to do that when you’re here rubbing salt into the wounds,”

 

“Me? What I’m doing? I’ve done nothing. I’ve just been here sitting pretty, victim of all your stupid insults and antics and here I am just asking you to be civil. Not even nice, not even friendly. Civil.” He repeats with his mouth exaggeratedly contorting around the word.

 

Kyungsoo laughs, lets out an incredulous sound. “After what you did, after how you did it, now you want to be civil?”

 

There’s nothing that Jongin can really think to say and Kyungsoo takes that as cue to continue, “You think that after you so heartlessly dumped me that I’m going to just pretend that it never happened. You think that after ripping my heart out, after stringing me along for months, feeding me with just enough empty promises to keep me running before deciding you’ve had enough. After all that, you think you can just waltz up to me and expect me -- no, demand me -- to be civil? To bear with you just to keep your pretty little reputation intact?” Kyungsoo’s voice is pitching higher in a way that Jongin’s never actually heard in real life. His breathing is picking up, the inhales begin to shallow as he gives up on even bothering to mask the infuriation that’s begun to play out on his face. Under ordinary circumstances, Jongin would respect Kyungsoo’s right to be angry. After all that has happened, he should know where to draw the line, know when to back down, but something about the clear accusation in his eyes just eggs Jongin on further. “You think that you have the right to do that?”

 

“It’s been six ing years,” Jongin says before he can stop himself. Before he can realize what exactly it is he’s saying, he hisses out, “You need to get over yourself.”

 

He watches as Kyungsoo’s jaw drops in disbelief. There’s an expression in his eyes, a swirl of confusion mixed in with ever prevalent anger, and maybe just maybe, a little bit of hurt. “ you,” Kyungsoo whispers out in possibly the most venomous tone Jongin’s heard. His eyes cut into Jongin, voice turned biting. It’s obvious to see that that was possibly the worst thing Jongin could have said but adrenaline is racing through his veins and he’s not ready to acknowledge the gripping feelings of remorse. Instead, he watches the way Kyungsoo seems to choke on his anger. “ you, Kim Jongin.”

 

And Jongin doesn't see it coming but Kyungsoo punches him square in the face. It has Jongin stumbling back, barking out uncensored obscenities as Kyungsoo walks away.

 

The tension at the set is palpable the next day; it’s difficult not to notice the sizzling animosity between the two, especially now that it goes both ways. They don’t even look in the same direction as each other and it’s a good thing that their characters’ scene is postponed for another couple of days. It's mainly because Jongin’s really in no state to be on camera -- even the makeup artist can't work that much magic, the beginnings of the bruises are covered but there’s an unsightly swelling that will take a bit longer to go away -- but Jongin honestly doesn't think that Kyungsoo can so much as stand in the same room as him and still look civil, much less hopelessly in love.

 

“You’re being stupid,” Junmyeon’s voices over the phone. Even the faint crackles of bad reception can't filter out the sound of complete and utter condescension. Jongin’s not really sure how, but Junmyeon had managed to hear about what had gone down the other day and it would be an understatement to say he’s not pleased. “You know what this would do to your reputation if it got out. You know that you’ve worked too hard to let it all go away.”

 

“Not all actors have to like each other,” Jongin grumbles as he slumps over in his chair. He hates this -- being scolded. It makes him feel like a child and he’s far past the age for lectures.

 

“They don't have to like each other, no,” Junmyeon acknowledges with a cluck of his tongue that rings loud and obnoxious in Jongin’s ear. “But they also can’t go around physically assaulting each other either.”

 

He groans, manages to get in a couple words of a half-hearted argument about how Kyungsoo started it before Junmyeon cuts him off.

 

“I don't care who started it because you’re going to fix it.” Junmyeon shoots back, “You’re going to be the bigger person and fix whatever the hell is going on between you two and you’re going to do this within the next two days. Do I make myself clear?”

 

“Today’s the last day of this week’s filming. I’m not going to be able to see him after today,” Jongin informs but something about his tone has an undeniably whiney sound to it.

 

“I don't care if you have to get his number or if you have to stalk him to where he lives and confront him -- actually that’s a bad idea, don't do that -- but I want it done now. Do I make myself clear?” He repeats, his voice carrying an air of finality that lets Jongin know it's really not a question.

 

There’s a pause, Junmyeon holding out for Jongin’s begrudging response. Jongin can’t exactly say no, especially when it's Junmyeon asking -- no demanding -- and if he really thinks about, if he tries to see it from Kyungsoo’s perspective, an apology from him is more than justified. Jongin gives a long exasperated sigh before relenting. “Fine, I’ll fix it.”

 

It's kind of hard to go about that, though, what with their lack of scenes today and the way Kyungsoo seems to keep a good ten meter distance between them at all times. He can't even hope to say something to the actor, much less hold a deep one-on-one conversation with him.

 

He’s just about to give up, honestly, just about to go home and admit to defeat. He’s no steps closer to reconciling their problems and he also doesn't have any means of trying to catch Kyungsoo by surprise with a freak call or message whose spontaneity would be just enough to convince Kyungsoo to be forgiving.

 

With the last scene of the day wrapping to a close, he’s ready to go home empty handed, ready to disappoint Junmyeon (which he supposes is okay -- he’s grown used to disappointing the manager).

 

He’s just about to shoulder his bag and leave when someone has a grand idea; in hopes of dissolving this newly mounted tension between the two side actors, someone suggests a group outing, complete with the full set of staff and actors. It’s proposed under the guise of celebration since they’re already almost halfway through the series, but Jongin can see right through their intentions. Their constant worried glances between the two stars as well as one particular staff member’s insistence that the two ride together to “save gas” is signal enough.

 

He doesn't even have time to reject it, say that he has things to do (he doesn't), before the idea is already being set into motion. They’re all piling into their respective transportation to drive away and it’s far too late to bail now. He and Kyungsoo ride to the venue in silence.

 

Jongin’s never really been one for partying, despite the way the company’s always trying to write him off. Amongst the public, he’s known to make his appearance at the occasional shady club every now and then, but little do they know it's just another carefully planned stunt to build up mystique. Little do they know that he always sits at the bar seat closest to the wall, sipping on some sort of carbonated drink disguised in some sort of misleading glass as he waits for the night to end. It’s safe to say that he’s never really at parties by choice.

 

This one’s not all that different. Even though it’s supposed to be some kind of a professional gathering, someone takes the idea of informal just a little too far and they end up at some kind of bar. It’s nothing too much, nothing too risqué, but it's definitely not the type of place you’d take your co-workers out to celebrate.

 

He just kinda floats around at first, making polite conversation with whoever is nice enough to indulge him in social interaction. He doesn’t really have any close friends amongst the group and after about thirty minutes, he’s just standing by himself looking for a corner to skulk in. His eyes catch on a seat that’s perfect, far enough from the speakers to actually hear but close enough to the main area to still look involved in the ordeal. It’s occupied already though. By Kyungsoo. He looks just as bored out of his mind as Jongin.

 

On any other occasion, Jongin would probably leave him alone. He would let him be, let him stew in the aura of anger and unspoken death threats he’s positively radiating, but Junmyeon’s calling again -- the specially curated ringtone just barely audible over the thrum of the bass -- and Jongin doesn't need any more reminders of what he needs to do.

 

“Get away from me,” Kyungsoo says as soon as Jongin slips into the barstool next to him. He doesn't shift his gaze, eyes straight-forward, glaring at the wall to avoid eye contact.

 

“Hello to you too,” Jongin tries to joke, maybe lighten up this suffocating atmosphere that’s always there whenever they’re offscreen. Only it's even worse now. Kyungsoo doesn't bother to respond and Jongin tries another approach, “You could at least try to be cordial. You know, since the whole cast is out here.”

 

“You could at least not sit next to me and maybe settle in one of those, I don't know, twenty other empty seats over there.”

 

“I’m here to protect you though,” Jongin replies after some thought, “In case there are some overzealous fans or sleazy guys trying to pick you up.”

 

That catches Kyungsoo’s attention and he’s swiveling around to raise a brow at Jongin. “And what if I want to be picked up?” His gaze is hard, piercing even.

 

Jongin sputters, “Well… I mean I guess they can still pick you up.”

 

“If they can still pick me up while you’re still here, then you’re really not serving as any protection.” Kyungsoo says curtly, “Now go away.”

 

Kyungsoo obviously doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to engage in any sort of truce negotiation with Jongin and it looks like he’s going to have to be the one to swallow his pride again and take the first step. To an extent, he’s willing to admit that he's in the wrong anyway. “Look,” He starts out with an exhale, “I’m sorry about the other day. I don't know what came over me, I guess I was just so exhausted and half of those words were coming out before I could even think about what they meant and I just--”

 

“You don't have to justify yourself to me.” Kyungsoo cuts in before he takes a nice long sip of his drink.

 

“I’m not justifying myself; I’m not justifying my actions. I know I was being an and I know I was an back then too and I think that maybe it was just my destiny to be an .” At this point, he’s hoping for some kind of reaction from Kyungsoo, maybe some kind of wry laughter where social norms dictate it, maybe even the deepening of a frown to at least show that he’s listening. It doesn't work and Jongin just continues on, unfazed. “I’m just saying that I don't want to be an ; I don't want to grate on your nerves and if you can just tell me how not to do that, maybe I can do it.”

 

There's a pause, Kyungsoo staring blankly at Jongin. “It’s going to be awfully difficult to erase yourself out of existence.”

 

He can't help but laugh. Kyungsoo’s always had a weird sense of humour and he doesn't even know if Kyungsoo thinks of it as a joke, but he’s laughing anyways and Kyungsoo’s returning it with something that looks almost like a smile. “I’ll figure it out,” Jongin manages. “Until then, I just want to say that I’m sorry. About the things I said, I didn't mean it. Really. After all the things I did to you, I totally understand if you hate me. I’d probably hate myself if I was in your shoes and--”

 

“I don't hate you,” Kyungsoo interjects and Jongin has half a mind to argue that you don't exactly knock a person’s plate out of their hands if you don't hate them, but he keeps his mouth shut. He lets Kyungsoo talk. “It's just weird, that's all.”

 

“Yeah,” He hums in agreement, “It’s weird. Do you think that maybe there’s way for it not to be weird?”

 

“Who knows,” Kyungsoo answers with a shrug and he doesn't offer much more than that. Jongin doesn't expect him to, honestly.

 

“I don't mean to make it weird. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable and before you called me out on my half assed apology and so here it is, fully assed. I’m sorry, really, but I can't change the past. I can't change what happened between us. I just want this to be better for you and for me.”

 

Kyungsoo doesn't say anything, doesn't nod his head in any sort of indication that he holds the same sentiments, but Jongin hasn’t lost his attention yet. He takes that as a good sign and continues on.

 

“And I know you think that I’m just doing this because I have to, because we’re left bare to the public eye and there’s no way to gloss over the fact that I dumped you--” At his word choice, Kyungsoo tenses and Jongin instantly regrets phrasing it like that. It sounds so cruel, so hurtful; he makes slight amends to his wording, “That I ended things so suddenly, so terribly timed without making me seem like a complete and utter , but you’re going to have to believe me when I say I’m not doing it for that.” Jongin takes a minute to breathe, to collect his thoughts before starting again. “I’m doing this because I regret it, how I went about it all. I hated the fact that I did that to you, and I still think about it, think of ways I could've, should’ve fixed it. I just thought, after all these years, it’s time to finally make amends.”

 

It’s just a small motion, the way Kyungsoo swivels just a little bit to turn himself towards Jongin, but he’s listening now. He’s definitely listening.

 

“And so about yesterday,” The idol continues, starting up slowly while keeping a close eye on Kyungsoo’s reaction. “I know I said this before, but I’m sorry and I didn’t mean anything I said. It was just a bad day, an unintentional blow up and is there any way you could just forget it? Chalk it up to me running off of about twenty minutes of sleep and one too many espressos?”

 

“You don't like coffee,” Kyungsoo responds and it's a bit of a non sequitur but Jongin can see where he’s going with it.

 

“I don't,” He confirms. He tries his best to keep the smile off his lips, but he’s just surprised that Kyungsoo remembered such an obscure fact. He briefly wonders if Kyungsoo still thinks about him, still thinks about their relationship in the same nostalgic way Jongin does, but it’s irrelevant at this point. None of that matters anymore. “I hope that shows how dead I actually was then.”

 

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says after a while.

 

“Okay?” Jongin just parrots back in hope.

 

“I’m over it,” He says with an air of finality. Jongin’s not exactly sure what exactly he’s referring to, whether it be just about yesterday or if he means the whole ordeal that exists between them. He doesn't get his hopes up, though, doesn't push because it’s obvious Kyungsoo doesn't want to entertain the subject any longer.  “Sorry for punching you in the face too, but you also kind of deserved it.”

 

“Sorry for acting in a way that made you punch me in my face,” Jongin starts and he contemplates before slowly adding, “But you also kinda deserved that.”

 

Kyungsoo just blinks at him first and suddenly Jongin is afraid that amidst their whole peace negotiations, here he had just slipped in a bomb. Relief comes in the form of Kyungsoo just barely cracking a smile, eyes crinkling all the same. “I suppose I can drop the whole Mean Girls act. It’s not doing either of us much good.”

 

Jongin couldn't agree more.

 

“It’s not like we’re gonna come out of this as friends, though,” Kyungsoo starts again and he’s reaching over the counter to fill a cup of beer straight from the tap. Jongin’s fairly sure that's not legal, but he holds his tongue. “In processing this, in figuring out where we stand, and all of that other fun kind of post-breakup things, you’re gonna have to realize that I need space and so…” Kyungsoo hands Jongin the now full cup and points to the stool a couple seats away, saying resoundingly, “Now you go sit over there and I will continue to sit here and we will drink in silence.”

 

Jongin just nods, gets up, and downs the drink.

 

“I’m glad to see things are better with Kyungsoo,” The director pulls Jongin aside to tell him the next week at shooting. She manages to catch him while he’s on his phone, scrolling through the pages of netizen comments to see if he can find that one slanderous user again, and quite frankly, a task like this requires his full concentration, but he has no choice but to put his phone away as she speaks. “I was worried about how things were going, but it’s good that you fixed whatever happened between you two.”

 

“It’s hardly fixed,” Jongin can’t help but say, can’t help but watch the director’s face scrunch in confusion. “But I think it's better than before.”

 

When she leaves him in peace, he finally thinks to log into his own fan account again. He’s surprised to see that there’s actually three replies from the guy. The first is just one of confusion, asking what the message is even referring to. It’s understandable considering that a partially drunk Jongin really isn’t the most specific person in the world.

 

The second is a terribly long and explicit rant about how he’s so sick of people defending Kai and his less than subpar acting just because he’s an idol and about how he didn’t deserve the part when he can’t say more than three words without somehow stuttering or ing up the line. The user also goes into how the whole idolization of Kai is completely unjustified because Kai isn’t some angel that his fanbase seem to wrongfully make him out to be and that it’s so pathetic that he has legions of teenage girls who have been hypnotized to defend his honour. It makes his stomach churn in all the wrong ways but it’s weird, though. The points of the argument are sloppy, seemingly rushed out in a fit of emotional catharsis. Jongin briefly wonders if this is the same Dyodo0112 who had so skillfully dragged him so many times before.

 

The third message is simple. It was sent within the same day as the second message, some hours after. It just says, “But I don’t know. He seems like a nice guy.” and it inexplicably brings a smile to Jongin’s face.

 

They’re okay for a while, he and Kyungsoo. When the bruises finally clear up on his face, they’re back to shooting their scenes, falling into the usual routine again. Except there’s something more now. Not much of what you would call progress, but Jongin’s making polite conversation and Kyungsoo’s indulging him before threatening to wipe him off the face of earth. Playfully. It’s all pretty friendly, Jongin would like to think.

 

It’s around episode 14 when their characters finally make a big step in their relationship. Their two characters have only grown closer, leaning to each other for all kinds of support, and for the past couple of scenes, it’s all been about build up. It’s been about edging closer and closer to the line with beating hearts and shy smiles. This time it’s indulging in the want that’s finally been brought to the boiling point. This time it’s a kiss scene.

 

It’s been long-awaited by the actors and the audience alike, but Jongin doesn't feel so anxious about it. He figures that things are good enough between the two of them now, that it should go without a hitch. They’ve rehearsed the scene together a couple of times, he and Kyungsoo. They’ve gotten into the habit of running through their lines before shooting, finding that it works out a lot of kinks that typically take up most of the filming time, but they never practiced the actual kiss. Jongin figured they wouldn't have to. It’s only been six years, he figured he could fall into their old dynamic pretty seamlessly.

 

So when he’s on the set, it’s just like another one of their session, practiced and supposedly perfected. The only thing that’s different, the only thing that’s throwing Jongin off is the proximity. He hasn’t been this close to Kyungsoo in a long long time.

 

Their positioning is already bordering on overly friendly what with the way Kyungsoo is leaning on him, his back almost completely aligned with Jongin’s own chest. His nose is pretty much pressed to the top of Kyungsoo’s head, buried in the dark roots of Kyungsoo’s fine hair. He’s not supposed to be noticing the way that Kyungsoo smells the same as he did six years ago, though, he’s not supposed to be trying to discretely fill his lungs with that familiar scent. He’s supposed to be focused on the TV, instead. They’re watching a movie, Kyungsoo’s and his character. They’re in the middle of a casual movie night, but Jongin doesn’t find the hushed onscreen conversation nearly as interesting as the man next to him.

 

“Are you tired?” He asks.

 

“No,” Kyungsoo says quietly, but the way his eyelids weigh down is supposed to show otherwise.

“We can stop the movie, you know,” Jongin points out and he shifts, inadvertently running his hand up Kyungsoo’s arm. Kyungsoo shivers. He wonders if that’s just acting.

 

“I don’t want to,” comes Kyungsoo’s pouting reply. He’s shaking his head, nearly headbutting Jongin in the process. “I like watching movies.”

 

“We can watch it another time.” Jongin glances at his watch. It’s only 2:00 in the afternoon honestly and it feels a bit unnatural to shoot a night scene at this time of day, but Jongin figured that wasn’t something he was willing to bring up with the already stressed out director. He goes with it instead, pretending that the hour hand is somewhere much further to the left. “It’s getting late, maybe you should be getting home.”

 

“I like spending time with you,” comes Kyungsoo’s more honest response and now he’s moving more to the side. Now he’s wrapping his arms around Jongin’s own, cuddling cutely into Jongin’s shoulder.

 

There’s supposed to be a pause now. A long one as Kyungsoo’s silence is supposed to make Jongin wonder he’s asleep. His closed eyes are supposed to confirm Jongin’s thought. Now only now is Jongin allowed to demonstrate his complete and utter disinterest in whatever’s happening on the screen as he tilts his head just slightly. The script allows him to watch the way Kyungsoo’s eyelashes fan out in the most beautiful way.

 

“I think I like you,” Kyungsoo whispers out unintentionally, right when Jongin’s character is just about sure that he’s passed out and it’s not meant to be heard. It’s meant to be something of a fleeting thought -- just one of the many that Kyungsoo’s character has been glimpsing a lot of lately, but this is the one that can’t seem to be swallowed down again. Jongin’s racing heart skips a beat.

 

“What?” He chokes out in a way that can’t help but sound like rejection. The script dictates that Jongin lets Kyungsoo escape from his grasp, scramble up to remove himself from Jongin’s touch. He puts a measured distance between them, a clear separation.

 

“I didn’t mean to say that!” Kyungsoo rushes out, his voice seems a bit frantic, but Kyungsoo’s character isn’t one to be wracked with fraught. He’s quickly repeating his words, although this time they’re laid out a bit more slowly, spoken with a more collected ease.

 

“You didn’t?” Jongin is shifting forward, challenging the space that Kyungsoo has purposefully put between them. It’s not in the script, but Kyungsoo seems to be moving back as well, discomfort clear in his body language.

 

“I didn’t,” He answers back and he’s looking at the floor. He’s glancing toward the movie that’s been long forgotten and he’s purposefully looking at anything and everything that isn’t Jongin. It’s a way of collecting confidence, courage, Jongin supposes as Kyungsoo quietly admits, “I didn’t mean to say it here. Not like that.”

 

“But you meant to say it,” Jongin probes and his heart thrums in anticipation of what’s next. “You meant to say it eventually.”

 

Jongin can't help but watch the way Kyungsoo’s adam’s apple bobs up in down in a sudden swallow.

“Maybe.” The answer comes out in a quiet exhale, his words lacking any sort of marked sureness, but it's enough to permiss Jongin to come even closer. With slow, careful movements, Jongin presses forward. He settles himself just centimeters away from Kyungsoo’s face and from there it's a stare-off, something of a quiet challenge.

 

“Maybe is right in the middle of yes or no,” He whispers, gaze locking with Kyungsoo’s own. “I think I’m going to need a little more certainty than that.”

 

Kyungsoo doesn't actually reply, but the way his face is heating up in semblance of a blush is supposed to be an answer enough. Jongin doesn’t expect much more.

 

“Can I kiss you?” The question seems obtrusive in the quiet that’s begun to settle between them, but it’s meant to be like that. It’s meant to be awkward, uncertainty hanging clearly in the night air.

 

Kyungoo’s biting his lip again in nervous habit, an unintentional tic of the actor’s that’s made its place into Kyungsoo’s character’s own mannerism, and his gaze is shifting between Jongin’s eyes and his slightly parted lips.

 

Jongin swipes his tongue over his lips when he knows Kyungsoo’s looking and he just watches as his breath hitches. There’s a heavy exhale from the other actor’s side; Kyungsoo’s staring straight into Jongin's eyes now, but it’s not the expected look of confidence, or surety. Instead, it's a conflict of pseudo certainty, confusion, and something else that Jongin can’t quite pick out fighting for ubiquity in his eyes.

 

And he knows that he’s supposed to wait until Kyungsoo gives him expressed consent, he’s supposed to wait for Kyungsoo’s upcoming line before he’s allowed to go on, but the scripted seconds of silence are dragging into pregnant moments. Silence is making its gradual descent and with each passing moment, Kyungsoo looks no more prepared. But Jongin can’t contain this selfish desire to touch touch touch that’s rearing its head and he can’t hold himself back. He can’t stop himself from coming just a little bit closer and just reaching to touch their lips and he’s just so so close, he’s close enough to pretty much feel the warmth of lips against his own. There’s just a bit more space, just a bit more to overcome and he’s just so focused on the way Kyungsoo’s lips are a rosy hue of pink.

 

He really should’ve noticed that something was wrong. He should’ve seen the way it was lurking right under his gaze, but he’s just so enraptured by these incessant thoughts of Kyungsoo and he’s caught by surprised when Kyungsoo is shoving him back, when he’s thrown onto the ground. Kyungsoo’s voice finally comes out. Shaky and wrought with distress, he whispers, “I can't do this,” before he runs off into the dressing rooms, his manager following quickly on his toes.

 

The rest of the studio is silent, just wordlessly looking over at each other with confused stares and Jongin feels this overwhelming urge to scream. There’s a vague feeling of disappointment amongst others and Jongin’s not really sure where the emotion is coming from. He’s just standing there motionless for a second, hands curling into fist, nails digging into skin, and then he’s hurrying after Kyungsoo, or at least in the direction that he thinks the actor went.

 

It’s not exactly hard to narrow Kyungsoo’s destination down to the actor’s waiting room but the muffled voices coming from within is definitely a defining factor.

 

The walls in the rooms aren’t exactly thin, the doors just thick enough to filter out the same amount of sound, but Jongin can just barely pick up on Kyungsoo’s hissing voice, the fast paced curses strewn together in a fit of what Jongin supposes is rage. He makes sure to knock before just barging right in. For a second, the sounds from within silence and Jongin’s left waiting as quiet footsteps make their way to the door. He’s surprised to find Minseok peeking out of the doorway.

 

“Hi,” Minseok greets and he’s glancing back to where Jongin assumes Kyungsoo to be before he’s squeezing himself out of the room. He’s meticulous in his process, careful not to let the door swing wide enough for Jongin to peer inside. “What’s up?” He asks as he snakes his arm around him to shut the door.

 

“Can I talk to him?” Jongin asks and at first Minseok’s not sure what he’s talking about, confusion portrayed clearly through furrowed brows and a pickled expression, but some vague eye motions to Kyungsoo’s door is all the manager needs for clarification.

 

“I’m not sure if that’s the best idea,” Minseok says quietly. He’s probably not one to disappoint, to say no, and Jongin can see that in the way he visibly fidgets. It shouldn't take much persuasion to get what he wants.

 

“I know,” Jongin acknowledges and he lets his gaze shift over to the door. “I just think that maybe it’d be good for us to talk, maybe try to work things out. Having him avoid me completely certainly isn't going to make this kiss scene any more bearable.”

 

Minseok ponders, weighing Jongin’s words with the truth. The odds end up in the idol’s favour whenever the manager steps away from door, an arm held out as an ushering gesture in. “5 minutes,” Minseok says quietly as Jongin is just about to twist the doorknob open. “I hope you don’t expect too much.”

 

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin calls out quietly as soon as he makes his way into the actor’s dressing room. Jongin’s never actually been in here before, but he supposes now is not the best time to notice that it’s smaller, far more sparse than his own. “Are you okay?”

 

It’s a stupid question, really, almost rhetorical in the way it’s so obvious to see that he’s not. It’s not that he’s crying. It’s not that sobs are wracking through his chest in a way that looks like he’s only seconds away from breaking down, but it is puffy eyes. A watery gaze that seems to reflect more unadulterated frustration than sadness. Kyungsoo was never one to really get emotional; it takes Jongin by surprise. “Go away,” Kyungsoo answers resolutely, bypassing Jongin’s question completely.

 

“Are you okay?” Jongin brings himself to ask again because he’s really not sure what else he’s allowed to say. From the way Kyungsoo’s eyes narrow down into slits, it’s obvious that maybe this wasn’t the best choice.

 

“I don't want to deal with you right now,” Kyungsoo makes his annoyance clear, but Jongin has been around his co-star long enough to know that nothing with Kyungsoo ever comes easy. It’s always a matter of push and pull -- more of a matter of allocated positioning where Jongin is reeling him in as close as possible and Kyungsoo is pushing him away with every fiber of his being. Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever be in the position to push.

 

“I thought we were okay, you and I,” He starts out slowly, keeping a steady eye on Kyungsoo’s reactions. “I thought things were fine.”

 

There’s a nod. A seemingly positive sign. “I thought so too. Until you tried to kiss me and I wanted to rip open your chest and slash out your organs.”

 

“It’s part of the script,” Jongin feels stupid pointing it out. He’s really not sure how it’s supposed to add to their conversation, but he can’t really think under the weight of Kyungsoo’s gaze. “I thought you knew; I thought it was expected.”

 

“Yeah no I knew. I read and memorize all my scripts.” There’s an emphasis on the word “I”. It’s a subtle dig at Jongin and he hopes that that’s a sign that Kyungsoo is feeling just a little better, even if it comes at the expense of Jongin’s own self-esteem. He doesn’t get his hopes up.

 

“You’re angry at me.” His words are supposed to be something of a statement, but there’s an inherent uncertainty laced into his voice. He’s not sure what went wrong.

 

“Of course I’m angry at you.” The response is muttered, absent of any sort of clarification that will actually indicate what he’s mad about. Jongin thought they were already past the point of thoughtless accusations and umbrella terms. It feels like they’ve gone back a couple steps.  “Am I not allowed to be angry at you?”

 

“No that’s fine,” Jongin says slowly, patiently. He’s learned by now that rash actions and manifested frustration isn’t the exactly best way to go. “I’d just like to know what you’re upset about.”

 

“Wouldn't we all?”

 

The returning question catches Jongin off guard and he really doesn't know the best way to turn this conversation in the direction he was hoping for. His eyes are left flicking back and forth between Kyungsoo and the noticeably empty space next to Kyungsoo. There’s an obvious vacancy, a void that Kyungsoo’s downturned frown is warning Jongin not to intrude in on, but Jongin doesn't listen anyways. He tries not to think about the way Kyungsoo’s eyes are shooting daggers as he sits down next to him. “It’s going to get worse from here,” Jongin hums and from Kyungsoo’s blatant lack of a response, it’s almost like he’s talking to himself. He doesn't really mind, though, he’s used to filling silence. “In the show, I mean, things between us, between our characters, it’s all just going to escalate from here. Today was just supposed to be a kiss, a chaste brush of the lips, but next week it's going to be you pressed up against the wall, maybe me hickies into your neck -- I’m not really sure what the script has planned for us.”

 

There’s a pause as he intakes a breath. Jongin’s watching Kyungsoo in the mirror, boring holes into his head in a way that’s nowhere near subtle, and he’s just waiting for a response. Something, anything. Kyungsoo gives him nothing but a look of disinterest and a slowly curling frown. So Jongin continues, “And I get it, you’ve proved to us all before that you can certainly do this. You’re good at this, compartmentalizing. You’re good at keeping it all clean and separate…” Jongin trails off as he watches Kyungsoo’s jaw tense. There’s anger building in Kyungsoo’s narrow frame, tension clear and present in the way that his fingers are rubbing against each other.

 

“I don't think you realize how hard this is for me,” Kyungsoo finally spits out and he’s turned to look straight at Jongin now. It’s a sudden change in atmosphere; the animosity has made itself apparent once again. The actor’s response is a surprise, welcome from the way Jongin’s getting sick of conversing with himself, but it's far more hostile than what Jongin would like. The idol’s shrinking back in something akin to fear as Kyungsoo practically snarls,  “You think it's easy for me to just sit around and act all lovey-dovey and romantic with the guy who so haphazardly broke my heart.”

 

His words are an arrow straight into Jongin’s chest. He swallows back the pain, the guilt. He wonders how much of a child he must look like right now. “It’s hard for me too,” Jongin starts with a helpless expression, “I-I-”

 

“Don't give me that bull,” Kyungsoo cuts him off with a stupefying look, “It was you who broke up with me, not the other way around.” The actor is trying his best to glare at Jongin, eyes squinted into the typical narrowed look, but it's lacks the usual bite. There’s a flash of weakness and even Kyungsoo can't turn away fast enough to keep Jongin from noticing it.

 

“Look, do you want to talk about it?” Jongin asks and he’s holding out an arm ready to comfort Kyungsoo. He leaves it hovering just above Kyungsoo’s shoulder, though, because he’s not sure if he’s allowed to do just that. He’s not sure if that would be crossing another one of those invisible lines that Kyungsoo’s seemed to have taken the liberty of drawing.

 

“I want to talk, yes, but not with you. Bring Minseok back in.”

 

And he contemplates leaving, sweeping the problem under the rug yet again -- he’s already half standing at this point -- but before he goes and walks on out, he looks at Kyungsoo. Takes in the red-tinged eyes, the dried tears that are crusting on his face. Takes in the pathetic expression hidden beneath this carefully constructed facade. Takes in what he’s done to him, to the person he had supposedly loved. It was like this before with that one scene. It was this exact same situation, feeling, but it's so much worse to think that this time it's not some overtly villainous character making Kyungsoo’s cry. It’s him.

 

That’s when he decides that they can't do this anymore. They can't keep running away from what’s so blatantly there and so he roots his feet into the floor and takes a deep breath. “Well I want to,” He starts out slowly, clearing his throat. “Because I have things to say, things you need to hear, and I can't say it here.”

 

His words are bold. Unexpected from the way Kyungsoo is staring at him with the most incredulous expression, but the initial shock wears off, and Kyungsoo’s face morphs back into its usual deadset eyes and pressed line of a mouth.

 

“I don't want to hear anything you have to say.” Kyungsoo says bluntly and now he’s getting up, pulling Jongin roughly up with him. Jongin’s being escorted to the door now; he’s pushed out of the room before he can get in another word.

 

Kyungsoo doesn't really leave his dressing room for the rest of the day. There’s really no need since his scenes are technically done for the day, but the actor’s always been one to hang around and spectate. He’s usually there for every scene, every take if his schedule allows him the viewing time. It’s typically an unseen presence, Kyungsoo quiet as he watches the rest of the cast. He usually sticks near the back, leans up all nonchalant against the back wall when he’s there but Jongin’s stolen enough glances back to see the amazed expression that’s always painted clearly on Kyungsoo’s face. He’s always so enraptured, involved. Jongin strangely misses the watchful eye, thrown off without the ever present figure hanging just off the edge of his peripheral.

 

Jongin tries to keep his mind off the events of the day; the rest of the staff try to refrain from talking about it, but it's not something that he can easily forget. There’s something nagging in the back of his mind -- he classifies it as guilt -- that has Jongin subscribing the rest of the day to sitting in the hallway of Kyungsoo’s waiting room. He settles up against the wall, waiting for Kyungsoo to finally emerge.

 

The squeak of shoes against linoleum, the groan as a heavy door is thrown open wakes Jongin up. He’s not sure how long he’s been sleeping; quite frankly, he’s not even sure when he had fallen asleep, but none of that takes priority when he sees Kyungsoo finally stepping out of the room. “Hi,” He manages to croak out, voice cracking with sleep.

 

Honestly, he half expects Kyungsoo to just walk away. Return to the whole pretending Kim Jongin doesn’t exist antic he had tried to do before. It catches Jongin by surprise as Kyungsoo inches forward. It’s barely a step, barely any sort of movement, but it’s indicative enough of Kyungsoo’s openness to something, anything. Jongin’s scrambling up now; he only has half a mind to swipe at the drool that’s dried quite unattractively at the side of his mouth.

 

The idol’s never been one for beating around the bush, so he forgoes any sort of the usual courteous small talk, opting for a far more straightforward approach. “Come with me?” He asks with a hopeful expression and an outstretched hand. He’s not expecting much, really, he’s more than prepared for rejection, but he figures he might as well at least try.

 

He can clearly see Kyungsoo’s hesitation. The actor’s not exactly subtle with the way he just eyes Jongin’s hand with warranted suspicion, but his response comes as a surprise. “Where?”

 

The question is understandable under the circumstances, but Jongin’s really just surprised that location is at the top of Kyungsoo’s priorities. “I don't know,” He blurts out before he can come up with a more legitimate answer, “Somewhere. Anywhere. I’m sure we can find a bar around here.”

 

“Alcohol sounds nice,” Kyungsoo finally says after a moment of thought and he’s adjusting the position of his bag’s strap on his shoulder before he’s walking past Jongin. It’s only obvious in the way he glances back after walking a couple steps forward that he expects Jongin to follow.

 

They don't end up going to a bar -- but not for lack of trying. They spend some time shooting out suggestions, pointing out a number of viable venues as their taxi drives slowly by, but whether it's too public for Jongin’s liking or Kyungsoo’s straight up refusing, there’s always some reason not to go. Jongin’s the one to come up with a more logical option. He mentions that his apartment isn't too far away. He mentions that there’s probably some soju left in his fridge. The pieces fall together quickly and it’s not long before Jongin’s leading his ex up the stairs and into his doorway.

 

“I’m home,” He calls out mostly out of habit whenever he finally manages to wriggle his door open. He winces at the way the words echo through the empty hallways. With a wave of his hand, Jongin invites Kyungsoo in further.

 

Not a word is spoken as Jongin escorts his guest to the dining room table. The silence bordering on uncomfortable is something Jongin thinks can only be dissolved by copious amounts of alcohol so he dismisses himself for just a second to step into the nearby kitchen. It’s easy to find; bottles of beer and soju are all he really has in his fridge aside from the odd bottle of salad dressing. He spends just a little more time rooting through his cupboards to find the special set of glasses that he reserves for guests. The pretense Kyungsoo’s come under aren’t exactly ideal, but Jongin thinks that even they deserve to drink from the fancy crystal glasses. He’s back to Kyungsoo in a matter of minutes and he offers the filled glass over in a wordless gesture.

 

They drink, only the sounds of glass clinking against the wood of the table fill the room. Kyungsoo only looks up at Jongin when he’s reaching out for a refill.

 

“You came here with more than just the intention to drain me of my alcohol, right?” Jongin starts out suddenly with his eyes peeking out from under his bangs as he unscrews the cap of the soju bottle to pour Kyungsoo some more.

 

There’s barely a grunt of agreement, an unreadable look as Kyungsoo just blinks at him. It’s obvious that Kyungsoo doesn’t plan to say anymore.

 

“Why’d you agree to this, then?” Jongin decides to go with instead of just waiting for Kyungsoo to take the lead. “Coming with me, talking about it?”

 

A sigh, a breath out that has Kyungsoo pretending like talking is more trouble than it’s worth. And maybe it is. “Professionalism. We’re co-stars, a full fledged couple soon on the drama. Problems are to be talked through, resolved.” It’s a matter of politics, saving face. It’s all something that sounds very familiar to Jongin’s ears, words he may have even shot at Kyungsoo himself, but there’s something about the way Kyungsoo says it that has his stomach twisting. Nothing is said for the next couple of minutes. Jongin’s watching Kyungsoo expectantly and Kyungsoo distracting himself with going and pouring himself a bit more alcohol.

 

“Oh,” Jongin starts when he realizes that Kyungsoo has no intention of adding anything more to his comment. He takes his time to down his own glass of alcohol before opening up one of the cans of beer that he’d also brought back earlier.

 

Kyungsoo gestures for Jongin to pass one to him too and it’s only when he’s prying open the stubborn tab of the can that he begins again, “At least that's what I think I’m supposed to say. Truthfully, I’m sick of this. I’m sick of putting so much energy into antagonizing you, of you pushing yourself so far just to apologize to me out of guilt. I’m sick of all of this being so strained.”

 

“It’s not guilt. I don't feel pity towards you.” Jongin admits honestly. “It’s just that I’ve grown up and hindsight is truly a . I can't believe it took me so long to realize how much of an I was.”

 

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. He doesn't bother to hide his exasperation as he speaks, “Is this going to be another apology? Aren't you sick of groveling yet?”

 

Jongin wouldn't say that the response is expected, but it doesn't catch him off guard. Instead, he takes a deep breath, starts again. “I’ve said I’m sorry before and I know that it’ll probably be a thousand times before you finally accept my apologies.”

 

“You broke my heart,” Kyungsoo says whenever he gets to take swig. “I think I have good reason not to accept them.” His voice isn't exactly harsh, but the tone remains flat, devoid of any hints as to what he’s thinking.

 

“I did,” He admits because there’s nothing he can say against that. He takes a sip out of his own cup before he continues. “But I broke my own right along with it.”

 

Kyungsoo’s ready to say something if his contorted expression and slightly ajar mouth is of any indication, but Jongin cuts him off with the shake of his head. “No, look, I know that it was hard for you -- it still is, but I don't think you realize that this is hard for me too.”

 

He exhales, eyes flitting to meet Kyungsoo’s and there’s relief when Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, when he just nods for Jongin to continue. “I loved you too and I don’t want to act like I wasn’t also haunted by lingering touches, the quickly fading ghost of your lips. It’s just so easy to fall back into all of this. With the acting, all of these touchy feely scenes, it’s so easy to remember, to indulge in the way you used to -- we used to be. We used to be so touchy and so so stupidly in love and…” The words trail off when Jongin realizes that he’s gone a little far, diverging from the main point he had been trying to make. He takes a moment to recollect, reconsider what’s worth saying. “I just wanted to say that I get it. I see where you’re coming from, I guess I could say in the most cliche sounding way possible, because when we’re together, acting or not, I remember all of what we were. The soft kisses, the press of your skin into mine, the bubbling of laughter as we laid beneath the sheets. And you, you can only remember the worst. You remember all the I’ve done, all the pain I’ve caused you. It’s just a constant reminder of why you hate working with me. Why you hate me.”

 

Kyungsoo sits in silence, watches Jongin in a way that’s just so utterly unnerving. He breaks his gaze, though, for just a second. His eyes flick to where the clock hangs. “It’s not hate anymore,” Kyungsoo says thoughtfully after a while. His voice is quiet; his guard is coming down. “I don’t think it has been since you apologized at the club that one time, but it’s just different. It’s like picking at a wound, aggravating what’s already healed up nice and prettily. You just come and waltz in, rip open the seams that I’ve spent so much time painstakingly coaxing to close. It brings up some things, I think. Things I haven’t thought of in years. Things I didn’t think I’d have to ever think about again.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jongin breathes out. Rolling the word over his tongue leaves a bitter taste in his mouth; he’s lost his right to the phrase. He’s overused his apologies and at this point, they’ve lost all semblance of a meaning. It must seem like a gesture now, an empty force of habit that sounds less than sincere, but he can’t think of anything else to say. “I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t--”

 

Kyungsoo interjects with a sharp look, almost scornful in the overhead lighting. “I don’t want to think that I’ve just been hung up on you. I don’t want you to think that you ruined me, that you left me in this pathetic heaping mess that can’t even fend for itself. I have a career, I have fans, I have a life. I don’t need your pity; I didn’t come here to make you feel bad for me.”

 

“I know,” Jongin says without thinking, “I watched your dramas. Your movies. All of them.” The detail seems so unnecessary in conversation and Jongin himself doesn’t really get what point he was going to make.

 

It seems to be a step in the right direction though as a soft smile curls onto Kyungsoo’s face. It catches him by surprise, the way the pretty curve of lips form the most bashful expression Jongin’s ever seen grace Kyungsoo’s face. It’s taken down pretty quickly, replaced with one of the more apathetic variety. His mouth is set into a firm, ungiving line. “Then you should know that I’m doing fine. That everything was fine before you came along.”

 

“I know,” Jongin says quietly.

 

“Everything is going to be fine after this too.”

 

“I know.”

 

It’s silent again. Neither of them say a word and the seconds tick by slowly, painstakingly so as Jongin’s eyes keep finding their way back to Kyungsoo and the way his expression is pinched into something unreadable.

 

Kyungsoo gets up suddenly, his chair knocking back noisily. It startles Jongin, to be honest, has his shoulders jerking up in a moment of inattentive daze. “I guess that's it then,” Kyungsoo says before Jongin can even get out a question. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

He’s turning on his heels now, body swiveling to turn towards the door. He’s about to walk away, about to just go on and leave like he always does, and Jongin wants him to stay. There's no reason behind it, no legitimate rationale. It’s more of just an instinct, something inside that knows better than to let Kyungsoo leave.

 

“Wait!” Jongin manages to say before he has even thought of anything so much as a follow up. Kyungsoo’s obedient at least, he’s stopped in his place watching Jongin fumble expectantly.

 

“There’s nothing you want to talk about?” Jongin gets out eventually, words barely over a whisper. It’s pathetic, he thinks to himself, it’s pathetic to see how desperate he is to have Kyungsoo just stay.

 

“Nothing.”

 

But there’s something in the way that Kyungsoo bites at his lips that betray his own words. There’s a blatant look of restraint, unclarity about whether or not he should speak.

 

“You can ask me anything, you know. You deserve answers.”

 

The sentiment, at the very least, has Kyungsoo taking his seat again. It has him wordlessly pouring out another shot of soju and pounding it back without so much as a warning. He doesn’t so much as blink as it burns down his throat. “I just want to know,” Kyungsoo starts out only when his tongue is loosened with a bit more alcohol. It’s easy to see how the tension bleeds out of his shoulders as he slumps into his chair. “I just want to know why you did it.”

 

The wording is ambiguous, but it’s hard to think of what else Kyungsoo could be asking about. It’s a simple question really, one that could be understandably asked, but what throws Jongin off is the fact that he’s answered this one so many times before. “I was just about to debut. I was just about to sign away the next ten years of my life to screaming fans and over eager netizens ready to drag me down. It’s not exactly ideal to have a lover -- a boyfriend, nonetheless -- given my position.”

 

“I know that much. I remember the circumstances, the events that led up to it all. It was an ultimatum that was set forth: me or your dream. Your dream or me. The point where two paths diverged never to meet again. You had to make a choice, I know. You had to choose what would make you happiest. I just--” Kyungsoo cuts himself off with the shake of his head. His hand is moving up to scratch at his head in irritation, annoyance that his words aren’t coming out exactly the way he wants them to, and he takes another sip of his drink. “Look, I just remembered when I used to be your dream and we, we used to be the future and I don’t know… It hurts to think that wasn’t enough for you.”

 

The words take him aback because that’s not it. That was never it. “It was,” Jongin says, circling his finger around the rim of his can in thought. “Looking back, I truly believe it was, but it’s something else when the universe offers you a chance to do the one thing you’ve been dreaming of since you were able to dream. It wasn’t really something I could turn down.”

 

There’s hesitancy in Kyungsoo’s voice, a slight wavering that Jongin almost misses. “So I was never really a candidate, a choice, right? I was always a backup in case the other never pulled through.” It’s a bit hard to tell with the way that the two of them are spaced apart, with the way that Kyungsoo refuses to make any sort of eye contact now, but Jongin swears there’s something collecting in his eyes. Tears that are threatening to fall.

 

“You were. You were everything I had ever wanted. I never wanted to lose you. Selfishly, I wanted to keep you along with me, grab onto you and drag you through every step of the way and I just took it all for granted. I took you for granted for the longest time, and then I realized. That this wasn’t fair, that I can't lead you on like this without a promise of the future, of what -- if anything -- our relationship could have become. “

 

“You could have told me that,” Kyungsoo says softly, eyes fixated on the wooden table beneath them. “Instead of just dumping me out of the blue, instead of making me feel that I wasn't good enough for you and where you were going. It felt like you were leaving me behind. Moving onto bigger and better things.”

 

“There was never anything better than you,” Jongin’s saying before he can stop himself. And it’s not that it’s wrong. If Jongin’s really being honest with himself, then he knows that it’s not as if there is a single thing in the life of an idol, in the spotlight of a star that could possibly compare to the happiness that Kyungsoo used to bring him, the plain and pure adoration he felt towards the older. He used to think about this a lot, wonder if it was all really worth it. If it was truly the right choice.

 

Those aren’t the words that Kyungsoo wants to hear though. It’s in the past now. It’s too late. Jongin changes his words to go with the more acceptable response: “But thinking back, there were definitely better ways to go about it. Maybe if I had just taken some time to think about it, considered how my actions would be perceived. Maybe if I just talked to you about this, maybe you wouldn’t have hated me so much. Maybe we could have had a better time acting together. Maybe my poor plate of food wouldn’t have had to pay the ultimate price.”

 

“Speculative history is a waste of time,” Kyungsoo states resolutely, not bothering to even crack a smile. There’s amusement in his eyes, nonetheless, and Jongin will take what he can get. “You would’ve saved us both a lot of wasted time and energy.”

 

“I'm sorry, Soo,” The old nickname falls off comfortably from his tongue, familiarly. “I really am sorry.”

 

“I’m sorry too,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin’s really not sure what he’s apologizing for. Jongin just watches Kyungsoo now, tries to read the storm that’s brewing in Kyungsoo’s eyes. It’s mesmerizing. Kyungsoo’s always been mesmerizing -- it’s just been a while since he’s allowed himself to admit that.

 

And he doesn't know what compels him to do it -- it feels like a force of habit -- but he’s reaching over the table and pressing his lips to Kyungsoo’s before he knows what he’s doing. It’s just a gentle kiss, a mere brush of lips, but he can hear the slight intake of breath from Kyungsoo. “I’m sorry,” He apologizes again  the second they part. There’s barely a centimeter between them.

 

He’s about to draw back, return to the usual dictated distance between them, but Kyungsoo’s grabbing his wrist. He’s pulling him closer, coaxing Jongin closer as Jongin’s climbing over the table, moving the glasses aside so he can spill into the space right in front of Kyungsoo, so he can settle into the older’s lap. He doesn't know what’s happening. He can just feel his head spinning as Kyungsoo fists his collar and smashes their lips together.

 

“This doesn't mean we’re together,” Kyungsoo says as he gently pushes Jongin away. The idol’s still seated on his lap, but Kyungsoo’s moving his hands to his hips, jostling Jongin into a more comfortable position. He exhales, leans his head back to rest against the top of his chair. “This doesn't mean we'll ever be together.”

 

And Jongin’s heart lurches but he should've expected this, really. He can't expect one night, one conversation, one kiss to fix it; he can’t expect anything to be able to fix all that’s been broken. “Yeah,” He breathes out instead, “I know.”

 

“It does mean that I forgive you, though, for real, for everything,” He stops, his eyebrows scrunching as if in thought. “And that maybe I won't bother to leave extensive hate comments online anymore.”

 

Jongin does a double take, sits up and just stares at the other man. “Wait,” A beat later, he breathes out, ventures a guess that is more of a shot in the dark, “Dyodo0112?”

 

It’s dark, the outlines of Kyungsoo’s face barely recognizable, but Jongin swears he sees a smile.

 

Their relationship noticeably changes by the next day of filming. It’s nothing too drastic, no sudden overt friendliness or even anything that really shows off that they’re anything more than what they were, but it’d be hard not to notice when they’re not fighting anymore, when they’re actually playing nice without the usual kind of strain. No one asks what prompted the change -- it’s not really their right to -- but the development is welcomed nonetheless. The chemistry between them is better, the whole process of shooting rolling far more smoothly, and no one is willing to go and jinx their productivity.

 

For this specific episode, the two are in more scenes apart than together, and Jongin finds himself aimlessly wandering around the set more times than he’d like to admit. Part of it is out of boredom, part of it is for stretching. Maybe, just maybe, a part of it is for seeking out Kyungsoo, but he’s not willing to admit that. He brushes it off as coincidence whenever he runs into Kyungsoo at every other corner. It’s always such an odd encounter. A polite nod from Kyungsoo, an automatic smile from Jongin. It leads into an awkward sort of laugh between the two of them and then Kyungsoo walks away. Jongin not-so-discretely watches as he goes.

 

His mind is stuck, fixated on Kyungsoo and the other night and Kyungsoo. It’s not supposed to mean anything. He knows that -- he has Kyungsoo’s words stuck on repeat in his head -- but he also knows that he can feel Kyungsoo’s gaze. He can see the way Kyungsoo’s always looking at his lips and he’s not sure if that means something or if he has something on his face or maybe he’s going crazy… He sighs loud enough for a nearby staff member to shoot him a look of concern.

 

They don’t really have much of any conversation during the shoot, he and Kyungsoo. They don’t really have much of any interactions that would signify that maybe Kyungsoo wanted to have some sort of relationship, platonic or not, with him.

 

That’s why Jongin’s surprised when he finds Kyungsoo waiting outside of the studio. He doesn’t say anything, barely even acknowledges Jongin’s presence as he walks by, but he starts to walk as well. A good couple steps back, but Kyungsoo’s following the idol, even going as far as to approach the taxi Jongin waves over.

 

“Where are you going?” Jongin finally gets around to asking just before he gets in the car.

 

“I’m going home with you,” Kyungsoo answers quickly, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Is that okay?” He asks, but there’s not much question in his voice. It’s not so much asking for permission as it is a proposition. A challenge, even.

 

Jongin’s mouth feels far too dry and his mind is spinning at what those words could possibly mean, but the taxi driver is waiting, the timer for the idling charge already ticking down. More importantly, Kyungsoo is waiting. His eyes meet Jongin’s, anticipating, and Jongin doesn’t know what else to do other than nod. He sidesteps to let Kyungsoo into the cab first before getting in himself.

 

For the duration of the ride, they sit in silence. Kyungsoo’s looking out the window, watching as the streets blur into a mess of lights, and Jongin’s just fiddling with his thumbs again, wondering what all of this is supposed to mean. He’s suffocating in the silence.

 

“Why are you here?” Jongin only thinks to ask whenever they’ve entered his apartment, whenever they’re both already shucking off their shoes. It comes as an afterthought really.

 

He doesn’t get an answer. Kyungsoo keeps his quiet as he ventures further into Jongin’s apartment. The actor’s only been in here the one time, but he walks around with a sense of familiarity, with an odd sense of direction that’s leading him straight down one of the hallways. “Do you need to use the bathroom?” Jongin asks dumbly and he’d never thought he’d feel so utterly dumbfounded in his own household, “Because that’s down the other hall. This one only leads to--”

 

Kyungsoo stops abruptly in front of one of the rooms and it has Jongin stumbling over his steps to avoid a collision. He’s already reaching over to turn open the doorknob and Jongin’s mind is racing, unsure of what Kyungsoo’s doing or if Kyungsoo even knows what he’s doing. Clarification comes in the form of a kiss. A brief press of their lips, just a peck that’s quick enough to have Jongin wondering if this is really happening or--

 

“This is okay, right?” Kyungsoo asks out when he’s already got one hand tangling into the strands of Jongin’s hair and the other pushing open his bedroom door. Jongin barely has any time to think, can barely even process that Kyungsoo is starting to lead him into his own bedroom, and he just nods stupidly. He’s dumbfounded and Kyungsoo leans in for yet another kiss.

 

“This doesn't mean we’re getting back together,” Kyungsoo whispers as he pulls away. His eyes are alight with fire, dancing flames flickering from within, and he looks positively breathtaking. Dangerous.

 

Jongin doesn't have time to think, doesn't have time to speak as Kyungsoo is pushing him down onto the bed, fiddling with the button of his jeans, and covering Jongin’s mouth with his own.

 

It’s weird to wake up to a warm body next to you. Jongin can't help but feel very very confused when he opens his eyes to see Kyungsoo tucked into a fetal position by his side. And it's not that he doesn't remember what happened, but he’s just surprised to see him still there. He’d half expected him to slip off in the middle of the night, pretend that nothing happened in the days after. Maybe if Kyungsoo had woken up before him, he’d still do that.

 

As soon as Jongin so much as shifts in bed, Kyungsoo is waking up as well. He sits up slowly with a quiet groan and watches Jongin get up with slowly blinking eyes.

 

“Do you want some clothes?” Jongin thinks to ask as he changes out of his own. He doesn't particularly recall changing into pajamas last night, but he doesn't really question it.

 

“I’m good,” Kyungsoo answers. He’s standing up now, picking up his shirt that’s been long discarded on the floor and putting it back on. He’s trying his best to smooth out the wrinkles that have settled into the fabric.

 

Jongin just nods, respects his wishes and tries not to think how nasty the day old clothes must feel. “Alright then, how about I make some breakfast?”

 

Kyungsoo lingers in the living room whenever Jongin goes out to make some eggs and bacon. Jongin keep about half of his attention on making sure that the food doesn't burn and the other half on keeping an eye on what the actor is doing.

 

“I meant to ask you before,” Kyungsoo starts as he trails his fingers over the top of the drawer. Jongin wishes he wouldn't. He knows how much dust has accumulated up there and he’s never been one to actually getting around to clearing it.

 

It’s pretty clear that Kyungsoo means to say more; his beginning sentence is leading, the finishing clause still left in the air, but he’s distracted right now. He’s staring at his hand and he’s looking at it with a complete look of disgust before he’s quickly rubbing it on the side of his shirt. Jongin suppresses his snicker. “Don't you idol groups usually live in one dorm?” Kyungsoo says when he’s finally ready to continue. “Am I going to accidentally open a door and find an Exo member exiled into a closet?”

 

Jongin lets go of his laugh now, lets it ring pure and clear throughout the air, and it only subsides when he sees that Kyungsoo doesn't understand what he’s laughing at. “The whole one dorm thing is only for the beginning,” He clarifies matter-of-factly, “Once you make enough money, you and the members are free to live however you see fit.”

 

Kyungsoo nods before adding in thoughtfully, “It must be awfully lonely here then.”

 

“It’s not too bad,” He shrugs, because it’s not. In fact, he’d been the one who’d celebrated when the members moved out. “If you turn on our music, it's like they never left at all.”

 

“Do you miss them?” Kyungsoo asks in a quiet voice, and Jongin thinks that maybe he’s thinking a bit too much into this.

 

“Not really, I see them almost every day, so their absence from my home life isn’t really all that big of a deal.”  He answers honestly. It’s only as he absentmindedly chasing the pieces of bacon around the pan does he decide to expand on it, “I guess I miss the noise.” Jongin has to admit that much, “I’ve never been one for the quiet. In that way I guess it’s lonely. Empty really. No one’s here.”

 

“I’m here,” Kyungsoo shrugs, delivery nonchalant, but words laced with something more. It’s two words, but it feels like a promise.

 

“Yeah,” Jongin breathes out, eyes sweeping over his slight frame. He’s watching the way Kyungsoo is looking straight at him, the way he stands with his weight shifted onto one leg, looking just so utterly at home in the muted tones of Jongin’s apartment. “Yeah, you are.”

 

The last five weeks of shooting go by fast. Kyungsoo’s made it a habit now to amicably conversate with Jongin on set and follow him home after. There’s no real definition of what they’ve become, it's just Jongin’s arms wrapped around Kyungsoo’s waist. It’s Kyungsoo pressing kisses into his skin, mouthing silent words into the soft span of Jongin’s neck. He doesn't know what they've become. He doesn't know what they will become. And it’s not that it doesn’t bother him that they haven’t talked about this, their future, about what comes next, because it does.

 

(It keeps him up sometimes whenever Kyungsoo’s fallen fast asleep on his chest. As he mindlessly cards his hand through Kyungsoo’s hair just the way he knows the other likes it and his mind wanders into some dangerous places. He can’t help but think about what this means to Kyungsoo, what this is supposed to mean to him. It bothers him more than Kyungsoo could ever know.)

 

He doesn’t want to ask. It’s just that he doesn’t want to ruin it, this, whatever they have. He doesn’t want to be the one to put the label on it; he doesn’t want to be the one to enforce the restraints.

 

He doesn’t want this to be like last time.

 

So the days run together, the time spent with Kyungsoo blurs until Jongin doesn’t even remember where one day ends and another begins. It’s all just a continual routine, a seemingly endless cycle. Wash, rinse, and repeat done up in the most marvelous way.

 

It’s hard to recall exactly when Kyungsoo started to text him, when their conversations began to span from day and night, from anything and everything that comes to mind. It’s hard to say when Kyungsoo first began to drop by his house on their days off, complaining about having nothing or sometimes all too much to do. Somewhere between it all, between the start and the still hazy definition of finish, Kyungsoo’s managed to root his way back into Jongin’s life, managed to wrap his pretty fingers around Jongin’s heart again and just pull. A part of Jongin thinks that it's dangerous how fast he's falling.

 

It doesn’t matter though. It doesn’t matter because right now Kyungsoo is here. Right now, Kyungsoo is adjusting Jongin’s all black hoodie, pulling down the hood so that it conceals the majority of his face. Jongin can barely see. It’s dark, well past midnight; the road’s streetlight has been out for a while, Kyungsoo had told him before, he should be careful where he steps. But Kyungsoo is leading him. He’s right there in front of him, just two short steps away, and Jongin is quick to follow on his heels.

 

They end up on some obscure patch of grass near the river. Laying on their backs, the dampness of the ground seeping through the clothes on their back. They don’t really say much, don’t have much to say, but through the smog of the city, the blaring lights of the city, they pretend to see the stars.

 

Jongin’s not really one to stay so immobile. It’s not long before he’s turning onto his side to watch the person to his left.

 

Right here, right now, Jongin doesn’t think of the past and all that’s been done. He doesn’t think of the future and what’s to come. For now he’s focused on remembering the dip of Kyungsoo’s nose. The way the moon bathes his skin in light. He wants to remember how Kyungsoo turns over to look at him, gaze dark and unreadable in the night. He wants to remember the smile that Kyungsoo’s lips curl up into, the way Kyungsoo’s hand reaches over to touch his cheek. He wants to remember the feeling of holding back his tongue, the weight of three unspoken words, three simple syllables swallowed down down down.

 

He moves forward to quickly press a kiss to Kyungsoo’s lips, smiling mischievously when Kyungsoo’s eyes widen in surprise. “Shut up,” Kyungsoo scolds even though Jongin hasn't said anything. He’s blushing; even if Jongin can't see in the muted tone of the night, the way his hands fly up to his face are pretty much clear indication of his embarrassment. Jongin can't help but grin. “Shut up,” Kyungsoo repeats although far less hostile, “We’re supposed to be stargazing. Look at the stars.”

 

“You can barely even see anything,” Jongin points out before scooting just a little closer to nuzzle himself into Kyungsoo’s neck. “Plus I think you're far more interesting.”

 

Kyungsoo’s punch is to be expected and it has Jongin rolling away with a laugh that nearly splits his face in half. Kyungsoo’s joining not long after, laughter coming out breathy and deep. It echoes through the emptiness of the night.

 

He wants to remember them like this.

 

With the end of the shooting, there’s another little cast party. It’s at a restaurant this time, a special little room rented out for their celebration. It’s full of stories, some fun little anecdotes from filming, and some impromptu toasts about how much they're gonna miss everyone. It’s weird to think that this is it, the whole drama is winding down to its close. But it doesn’t feel like the end. The way that Kyungsoo’s pressing into his side, the way his scent floods Jongin’s senses, and the way his warmth seeps into Jongin like a fire, the way his thigh brushes against Jongin’s own screaming that he’s here. He’s right here. This doesn’t feel like the last chapter, their last chapter. He reaches out, squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand from underneath the table, and feels the way Kyungsoo tightens the grip right back. This doesn’t feel like the end.

 

For their final activity as a cast, they’re brought to attend a press conference. It’s nothing too big, just a small hall rented out for them and some select reporters and a couple dozen fansite managers who paid enough to get in. It seems cozy enough.

 

There’s not much preparation before the event and there’s really no need for any, honestly, since it's supposed to be far more casual, real. It’s refreshing to see that there’s no script, no guided answers that are meant to lead the conversation to a more specific topic. The stylists barely even touch up Jongin’s face with makeup before he’s carted out to the stage with the rest of the people.

 

It’s not explicitly said, but they’re seated in order of importance. The main characters, the hero and his love  interest, the antagonists, they’re all put in the seats closest to the host and the hostess. He and Kyungsoo are seated somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Not of utmost importance and not just some minor character who managed to appear twice, it’s a decent place to be. The interview centers around the people on the important end of the table first, and slowly begins to work its way down to the others.

 

“So your first acting job, huh?” The hostess finally directs a question at Jongin, “It must be hard to act in a romantic role -- your significant other must be jealous of that sizzling chemistry between you and Kyungsoo. How do you deal with that?”

 

It catches him by surprise, the way that she goes for such a bold question for her first inquiry, but he knows how to deal with these questions. He knows how to answer to preserve his image as an idol who the fangirls might just maybe have a chance with. He knows how important it is to present himself as singles, attainable. “I don't have to,” He says with a practiced smirk. He his head to the side as makes direct eye contact with the woman. He can practically see the way she swoons.

 

“So there's no one special in your life?” She asks further, a blush trailing up her cheeks. She’s so obvious.

 

“No,” He answers quickly because that’s the first rule of being an idol. You don't date, you don't have relationships, you don't have special people. “No there isn’t,” He repeats with a bit more confidence, and he adds in a cryptic smile for effect.

 

The other host is changing the topic now, asking more general questions about the show to some of the other cast members. Jongin lets himself zone out now.

 

He feels a gaze on him and when he looks over, its Kyungsoo. There’s eye contact and at first there's something flickering through Kyungsoo’s eyes, but it's gone within the second. It’s replaced with a rigid jaw and a look of complete and utter indifference. Kyungsoo turns to the host.

 

He touches Kyungsoo’s thigh, placing his hand carefully so that the camera doesn't catch the action. “Hey, are you okay?” He whispers when he knows the hosts aren't paying attention.

 

Kyungsoo doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at him. Instead, he’s brushing off the hand and scooting just a little further from Jongin.

 

The minute the interview is finished, Kyungsoo’s storming off and Jongin means to follow after him, but the hostess stops him. She won't stop talking to him, won't stop touching him in a way that’s nowhere near subtle, and he has no choice but to indulge. It’s a part of his job, part of his identity as Kim Kai the idol. The mindless flirting leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He’s eventually saved by the director who calls him over to take a picture, and then he’s off, racing through the halls to find Kyungsoo.

 

He’s in Jongin’s waiting room, sitting on the couch as he plays with his thumbs. “Kyungsoo?” Jongin calls out softly and he feels his heart stop when Kyungsoo’s gaze looks up at him. It’s clouded, guarded. Jongin doesn't know what he’s thinking.

 

“Whatever this is, our relationship, I’m done,” He says before Jongin can step any closer. He’s getting up now, making for the door, but Jongin’s bigger and he’s using his body to block his way.

 

“What do you mean?” Jongin asks, grabbing Kyungsoo's wrist to keep him in place, “You know that was all fake, right? There’s no way I would like her; there’s no way I would even like a woman.”

 

He’s not listening though, he’s just shaking his head, chewing on his bottom lip. “I can’t believe I was so so stupid and that I fell for this all over again and I should’ve known, really, I should've--”

 

“Kyungsoo, I like you and you only,” Jongin interrupts and Kyungsoo’s eyes dart up to meet his. He just looks tired, worn out. His makeup is melting away and Jongin can see the dark circles painted pallid under his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 

“That’s not the problem,” He says and he’s ripping his arm away from Jongin as if he’d been burned. “The problem is that this is how it's going to be. It’s going to be like before -- just like before -- and I’m going to be the one that gets hurt because I’m always the one to get hurt.”

 

“I don't-- I don’t know what you mean, Soo. Please, what are you talking about?”

 

“It's stupid because we’re not even together -- I made sure of that, I made sure that I made no promises, no binding ties that would come to strangle us -- but I thought maybe this time, maybe just this one time, it’d be different.” Kyungsoo’s taking a breath. He’s shaking his head. “It's not, though, it’s not and it’s all coming back to me and this is the same. This is the exact same.”

 

“It’s not the same.” Jongin answers back solemnly.

 

“It is because you haven't changed since the last time we were together and damn it, I wish you would have changed but here I am and here you are and we’re in the same place we were six ing years ago.”

 

“I’m not going to leave you,” Jongin gets in as he clamps his hands around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. He’s desperate. “I don't know what you’re thinking, but I won't let you go. I can't.”

 

Kyungsoo exhales and Jongin thinks that maybe just maybe he’s going to listen to him. That he’s going to believe him. “You're not,” Kyungsoo admits after a pause, “But you have an image to uphold. You have people you can’t disappoint--”

 

“You. You’re someone I can't disappoint.”

 

Kyungsoo stops, for just a second, before saying, “But what I think, what I feel, that’s never going to be the priority. It can’t be a priority. And so this is going to be it. It’ll all be one big secret again. It'll be hidden meetings, concealed faces. Back alley exits and running until we fade into the dark. That’s all this can ever be.”

 

“You know just as well as I do, what will happen if we don't do this, if we don't follow protocol,” The word sounds so clinical on his tongue; it leaves a bitter taste, but Jongin can't help but point it out because it’s a factor, because it'll always be a factor. “Maybe my fanbase could take it, but you, you’re a rising actor. You can't take the stain on your reputation and you’re such a good actor. You’re so good at all of this and you deserve the spotlight and I can't be the one to drag you down. I--”

 

“I know,” Kyungsoo’s raising his voice, effectively silencing the rambling idol. He brings his voice back down, reeling himself back in with measured breaths and a step back. A noticeable distance appears. “I know that this is how it’s supposed to be, but I also know that that’s a lot of work. A lot of sleepless nights, insecurities rearing its ugly head -- I’ve been through it all before. To a lesser extent, yes, but I’ve been through it and I remember exactly how ty it felt. How degrading it felt to be stuck as someone’s dirty, little secret -- their shame, when it all boils down to it. I remember the inescapable feeling of suffocation, burying under the covers to try to forget the overwhelming feeling of guilt, the fear of ing it all up for you. It’s funny,” He starts again, a mirthless laugh chokes out in a way to show that it's really not, “It’s funny that the only thing I can’t remember was all of this being worth it.”

 

“You don't mean that,” Jongin can't think of anything to say, because Kyungsoo is so so close, just a fingertip's length out of reach, and he’ll do anything to keep him here. “We can make this work.” There’s desperation in his voice, a pathetic plea that he can't filter out. That he doesn't bother to try to filter out.

 

“I know that you know this would never work,” Kyungsoo’s shaking his head, lips curling up in the motion of a smile. His eyes offer no warmth. “You couldn’t have been stupid enough to not realize

that the world has changed. It's a different place now, Jongin. It’s not just you and me; it’s you and me and everybody watching. And maybe it would've worked before, back then, but things are different now -- I’m different now and I'm not here for you to string along and throw away when all their scrutiny becomes too much and you figure out you can't do this anymore.”

 

“I don't care what they think,” Jongin pleads and he’s trying to grab Kyungsoo, trying to bring him close, but Kyungsoo’s evasive. He knows not to be caught.

 

“You don't have to indulge me with pretty lies. You don't have to pretend like you letting your public reputation get ripped to shreds is an option,” Kyungsoo shakes his head, a cocky facade is quickly pieced together to replace his broken expression. “We both knew that this wasn’t going to last. We both knew that this was fleeting, and so here is where the road splits once again. Our relationship, everything we’ve come to be is now up in the air, and I’ll be damned if I let you call the shots again.”

 

And Kyungsoo’s right. He’s not in any position to dictate how it’s going to be. He’s not the one that gets to define things, figure out how it’ll all go down this time around. He’d given up the power to Kyungsoo, left their fate in the hands of the older and ever since then, he’d known that this was always a possibility. He’d almost expected it, really, but it just seems so surreal to think that this, this same argument, this same situation is how it would all come crumbling down. His chest hurts. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. “Then you’re just giving up? After all of this, you’re giving up?”

 

“With all that’s happening, your career, your fans, something has to give -- something’s bound to give. We were never meant to last,” Kyungsoo answers, “You’d think that after six years I would have learned that lesson by now.”

 

Jongin’s not given a chance to reply as Kyungsoo fishes something out of his pocket. He’s shoving the familiar black device to Jongin who can’t do anything but take it. “I took your phone and deleted my contact. Don’t try to talk to me. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

 

He pushes past Jongin and walks out.

 

The drama’s finale does well, even manages to hit a record high number of viewers. He watches it when it first airs, crowded by the other five members of Exo who had been insistent on watching it with him. They spend the whole time poking fun at Jongin and his cheesy antics in the show, but Jongin just tunes it out, fixates on the scenes playing out in front of him.

 

The final episodes concludes the series with not only the main couple getting together, but also with the side couple getting their happy ending. Him and Kyungsoo. They have about half the hour long episode dedicated to their side of the story and Jongin can’t take his eyes off Kyungsoo. He can’t look away from the way Kyungsoo’s character shines whenever he’s around Jongin’s character; he can’t stop thinking about that smile and the way it stretches across Kyungsoo’s whole face. The way he looks just so in love.

 

Looking at it like this, Jongin can’t help but think that maybe it wasn't all acting.

 

“You really missed out on your chance to date him,” Sehun says out of nowhere and it has Jongin choking on his soda.

 

He’s pounding on his chest and just barely manages to wheeze between coughs, “What are you talking about?”

 

“I dunno,” Sehun shrugs and he’s still watching, not paying much attention to Jongin and the way that he is actually dying right now. “I mean you like him. And you guys look cute together.”

 

“That’s not how it works, Sehun, people don’t just get together because you think they would look cute,” Baekhyun interrupts, smacking Sehun in the arm in a somewhat playful manner. “Relationships aren't that easy.”

 

“They could be that easy,” Sehun points out and no one can really say anything against that.

 

Before the members all head out to their respective places, Yixing pulls Jongin into a tight hug that comes out of nowhere. “You just seem down,” is all Yixing replies with when Jongin sputters out a question of why through the grappling strength of his arms. “I hope everything’s okay.”

 

And Jongin’s not really one to be sappy, not one to really indulge in the expression of his emotions -- especially not to the other Exo members, but for a second he lets himself appreciate the gesture. He slumps his head down on Yixing shoulder and admits in the smallest voice he’s ever heard, “No. Everything’s not. But I’ll figure things out.”

 

“We’re here if you need us,” Yixing says as he rubs circles into Jongin’s back. “We’ll always be here to support you if you need it. For anything. You just need to tell us.”

 

“Thanks,” Jongin mumbles out quietly, “I’ll remember that.”

 

Six months later, it’s a mix of excitement and anxiety in the air as the Jongin snakes the headphone around his ear before putting it in. He has a microphone in the other hand and he’s gripping it much tighter than he needs to. He just doesn’t know if he’s ready for this.

 

“Look alive,” Junmyeon instructs with a serious face. He pinches at Jongin’s face for color. “Your fans aren’t going to like it if you look this petrified.”

 

“It’s our first ballad,” Jongin points out, “I think there’s a lot of things my fans aren’t going to like. I don't think my face is the going to be on their primary list of concerns.”

 

“I don't think your face is ever not on their primary list of concerns,” The manager just rolls his eyes, now occupying himself with fixing Jongin’s shirt collar. Everything has to be perfect. “And don’t worry. You guys will do great, you always do.”

 

“I know I just--” Jongin shakes his head, not sure how to finish the sentence. “I don’t know if that's what I’m worrying about.”

 

Junmyeon doesn’t really have much to say to that. He remains wordless as he makes his final adjustments. Once he’s satisfied with his work, he straightens Jongin’s shoulders, turns the idol’s head to make him look straight at him. With their height difference, Jongin has to bend his neck down just a little, but he knows better than to laugh at the situation. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” Junmyeon says seriously, “I’m not sure how your fans are going to take this, if the company is going to intervene and wipe it all away with some shoddy excuse and a punishment, so just make sure that this is all worth it.”

 

He’s not really given time to reply because the program director is calling him out, rushing him into the middle of the stage and positioning him carefully at the marked x near the back of the stage. The fans’ cheers are deafening, quick to fill the room as soon as they recognize that it’s him who had come out onto the stage. Any other time and he would’ve put on a show for them, demonstrated some new choreographies or even dragged out Baekhyun or Jongdae for some comedic banter. It’s different this time, though, what with the way his hands are shaking and he feels a little weak in the knees. All he has to offer is a small polite smile before he goes back to looking at the floor.

 

Through his earpiece, he hears a crackle of static that makes way to the PD’s voice. She’s made it off the stage in seemingly record time, and then there’s a question asking if he’s ready. The nod he gives isn’t really the best way to respond, but he’s surprised when they take it as confirmation anyways. The soft countdown of the PD’s voice fills his mind. 10, 9, 8, 7…

 

His heart is pounding. He’s more nervous than he’s ever been.

 

6, 5, 4…

 

He wonders if Kyungsoo will ever hear it. He wonders if Kyungsoo even thinks about him still.

 

3, 2...

 

The lights dim. There’s a hush over the crowd.

 

1

 

He takes a deep breath.

 

Right when the camera starts rolling, right when the backing track begins, Jongin clears his throat and speaks into his mic. The other members haven't come out yet, still waiting just offscreen for their cue in the fifth measure. For now, it’s just him. There’s a spotlight on him as he walks to the middle of the stage. All eyes follow him and he takes a deep breath.

 

“This is for someone who is worth more than all of this, my dream, my career, my being right here, standing here in front of you all. This is for someone that I was in love with, for someone I should’ve never left behind,” He says quietly and slowly starts to sing.

 

The reviews are mixed, as expected. Not for their lack of talent, though. Even as a primarily pop group, they have enough vocal talent to pull off their fair share of ballads. In fact, it’s charting fairly well and it’s pretty successful in converting some older women into fans.

 

The problem lies mainly in the adolescents who are so intent on following his every move, who are so deluded into thinking that they own him. Online, there’s a mandated witch hunt for the love Jongin was talking about, to whom the song was dedicated to. It’s fueled by all the comments from the jealous fangirls. Comments upon comments on how they can't believe their beloved oppa could turn on them like this, how they'll rip apart any girl who steps within a five foot radius of him. There's a couple of guesses mixed in, some female idols he's talked to maybe once or twice, some of his old friends from predebut, even some Exo members from some of those more enthusiastic fans followed by pages of forums supposedly defending his uality. One girl even goes as far as to write a full paged soliloquy about how she can’t bear to live in this world if she knows that her pure and innocent Kai has been defiled by someone else.

 

He feels a little sick to his stomach, closing out the tabs of the fansite with a bad taste in his mouth.

 

(If he stayed on for just a bit longer, maybe he’d find that his favourite commenter is back online again. He’s had a change of heart apparently, writing out comment after comment defending Kai and his right to date whomever he so pleases. There’s a couple of posts dedicated to Kai in the comeback MV, the masterpiece of the song that Exo had released. It’s so sudden, this kind of unadulterated commitment to Kai; some people are convinced that it’s a brand new person. Others joke about it, saying that it was only a matter of time before Dyodo0112 fell for the charms that is Kim Jongin.

 

Maybe if Jongin just stuck around the site a little longer, he’d find the hastily typed out message to his fake fanaccount asking to meet up at Jongro Station Exit 3 at 10:00 pm tomorrow. Maybe they’d have met up, talked. Maybe they’d have their own happily ever after.)

 

It’s pure coincidence that he runs into Kyungsoo at some random coffeeshop just a week later. It’s easy to catch sight of him; the shop is pretty much empty at this time of day. There’s just the sounds of coffee beans getting grounded, the flitter of workers moving back and forth behind the counter. Kyungsoo’s back is to him, but Jongin recognizes it instantly. Rigid and tall, proud, Kyungsoo stands as if he owns the world. Jongin doesn’t really know how to approach him though, doesn’t know how to do anything else but stare at him from afar and gape. Luckily enough, that gets Kyungsoo’s attention.

 

It’s like Kyungsoo can feel the way Jongin’s staring holes into him and he turns around as if on command. “Jongin?” he asks from across the room, his eyebrows already knitting together in confusion. It’s a fight or flight kind of reaction, the way Jongin’s whole body freezes up and there’s no real reason why he feels so nervous, so terribly anxious, but the way Kyungsoo’s gaze bores into him makes him want to bolt out of the door. The actor is already walking forward, stepping closer and closer and Jongin’s heart is pounding.

 

“Hey,” Jongin greets dumbly, the words falling awkwardly from his mouth. “I’m just gonna go get a drink.”

 

He doesn’t really give time for Kyungsoo to respond, just pushing past the other before he can see the blush that’s beginning to tinge his cheeks. This is all so juvenile; he’s too old to be acting like some lovestruck highschooler.

 

“I’ll be waiting here,” He hears Kyungsoo call after him, but he doesn’t dare look back.

 

It doesn’t take that much time to get his bottle of orange juice, but Jongin’s at least thankful for the couple of minutes he gets to recollect himself, to tell himself to not get his hopes up. Things aren’t any different now; there was a reason that Kyungsoo didn’t contact him before. As he walks back to the booth Kyungsoo is now occupying, he drags his feet, not ready to face Kyungsoo just yet.

 

“I deleted your number,” Kyungsoo says as soon as Jongin takes his seat. It’s like he can read Jongin’s mind. “A while ago, whenever I deleted my number off yours. That’s why I didn’t call.”

 

Jongin just opens his juice, cracking open the inner seal with a twist of his wrist. “I figured,” He mumbles as he looks down, “It’s fine. It’s not like we had anything more to discuss.”

 

“I messaged you though,” Kyungsoo mentions offhandedly and it has Jongin jerking his gaze up. “On your fake fan account.” The actor clarifies and then there’s a pause, a cute furrow of his brow. “At least I think that’s your fake fan account. If not, then I may or may not have invited some underaged teenage girl to meet up with me at the outskirts of Seoul in the dead of the night.”

 

The words have Jongin swallowing back a lump in his throat, willing his heart to just slow back down. He doesn't want to get his hopes up. “What’d you want to talk about?”

 

“I like the new song,” Kyungsoo says very matter-of-factly and Jongin feels his stomach lurk.

 

“Thanks,” The idol responds mostly out of habit. He’s really not sure what else he can say.  He’s about to add more, throw in another tangent of talk because this is the first time he’s heard from Kyungsoo in months and he’s not quite ready to go on another couple months without contact, but Kyungsoo beats him to it.

 

“Your fans must be going wild,” Kyungsoo continues casually. “I can't imagine what must be going through their minds right now.”

 

“They’re out for blood honestly,” Jongin admits before he takes a sip of his juice. “It’s a shame but I guess I can’t really do anything about it.”

 

The look on Kyungsoo’s face is undecipherable. His mouth is pressed into a thin line, expression pulled together in a look of moderate disinterest, but Jongin can see the gleam of curiosity hidden in his eyes. “You’re not bothered?”

 

And that’s the real question. Whether or not he cares that a fairly sizeable chunk of his personal fans are leaving him for a different Exo member, some even leaving the fandom for good, it seems like something Jongin should get upset over. He supposes that he should be distraught over the loss, maybe desperate to find a way to keep them from leaving, but none of that seems to matter to him. It all seems so futile. This was his decision, anyway; it’s all a consequence of his own actions and he can't find it in himself to care. “It’s better this way,” Jongin shrugs, “If they were all so infatuated with the fake persona that the company presented me as, then I think they were bound to leave eventually. I’m happier, anyways, to be left with fans who will take me for me. I’m happy I don't have to hide anymore.”

 

Kyungsoo just nods at first, thinks over Jongin’s words before adding in a new topic: “It’s a love song. A ballad.” His voice stresses on certain syllables as if to make a point. “I thought Exo didn’t do love songs.”

 

Jongin hesitates, doesn’t know how exactly to say that he had gone to management and asked if they could let them do one just this once. How to put together the words to convey that it’d been a risk to release this sort of thing given their current teenage fanbase, but he had gotten down on his knees and begged and they had caved. How he can admit that he’s responsible for this. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to admit that, either. He doesn’t end up using that many words -- it’s too many words, seems too desperate. He shrugs instead, plays it off by saying, “People change.”

 

Kyungsoo’s direct, straight to the point. “Are you saying you’ve changed?”

 

“No,” Jongin says quickly. He can see the way Kyungsoo inhales, expression already beginning to contort, close off with furrowed brows and a deepening frown. Jongin takes a deep breath before he admits, “I’m still hopelessly in love with you.”

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything back and Jongin’s kicking himself for admitting that. At the same time, it’s a breath of relief. It’s honesty, refreshing and simple, and Jongin’s been so sick of hiding. It’s only been a minute or so, but the seconds are passing terribly slow; Jongin’s dropping his gaze to the table, fiddling his thumbs as he awaits what he’s sure must be rejection.

 

He only looks up when he feels Kyungsoo’s hand on top of his own, fingers moving in slowly, purposefully as he separates Jongin’s clasped hands, traces something into soft flesh of Jongin’s palm. There’s something pulling at Kyungsoo’s lips, something shifting in his eyes.

 

Kyungsoo smiles, genuine and sweet. “Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.”

 

Rising Actor Do Kyungsoo and Exo’s Kai Dating?

It seems that the chemistry onscreen wasn't just an act. After Exo’s recent debut stage for their new comeback where Kai confessed his love for someone, fellow co-stars from last summer’s hit drama were caught meeting at a coffeeshop. Sources say that the two were caught holding hands before driving off in the same taxi.

 

Moments after their encounter, the two took to social media by uploading a picture of them with a smile on their faces. Kai’s bandmates Lay and Sehun are also reported to have commented with a message saying Happiness is in the little things.and a combination of the ok hand sign, the weary face, and the splashing sweat emoji ("👌😩💦 💦"), respectively, hinting at their previous knowledge and potential support of this relationship.

 

Official statements have yet to be released.