I had grown tired of my reputation. Being labeled as a playboy had its perks and its downfalls. Of course there were always ladies around. They would throw themselves at me even. I never had to be without a warm body to share my bed with if I didn’t want to. But really, that was all that was expected of me in return for the most part. Incredible one night stands full of incredible . And I was usually up for the challenge and made sure to never disappoint. There were also the girls that were there for the other perks. The money I had. The cars. Exclusive passes to any restaurant, no need for reservation, no need to every call ahead. Women flocked to the lifestyle, the fame and fortune that surrounded me and everything they thought I was. But it was the only thing they thought I was.

    As they say, it’s lonely at the top.

    And like I said, I was tired of it all.

    I had stopped going to the bar and clubs for the most part. Only going socially with the rest of the members of Big Bang. And I made an attempt at never taking a girl home. There were slip ups of course, but hey, I’m only human. I wanted something else. Something more. More than the one night stands and the meaningless . I confessed these thoughts to Jiyong, my brother and closest confidant. He slapped me on the back and congratulated me on finally acting like a man ready to grow up and fall in love.

    Love. That was certainly something more than the meaningless lifestyle I was living.

 

    I had a day off from practicing with the guys on choreography. It didn’t happen often when we were working on new material. I took advantage of it by heading into a small town to go for a walk, get some lunch, and find a couple new books to add to my collection. I loved to read. It was something that shocked, surprised, and confused everyone who knew me. I came across a quaint little bookstore on the main block of town. A bell jingled when I opened the door, alerting all three patrons and the clerk of my entrance. I was wearing a ball cap and old, baggy clothes. No one turned to pay me any attention. No one seemed to recognize me. Good.

    I peruse the aisles with no particular book or goal in mind. Just browsing, I told the cashier when he asked if I needed help. I rounded a corner and found a rack designated for the latest popular books. I grabbed the last one. It must be good, I thought to myself. I took it up front and purchased it.

    “Sorry ma’am, he got the last one in stock.” The cashier said as I headed towards the door.

    I glanced over my shoulder to see that he had been referring to me. Then I saw who he was talking to. She was beautiful. So beautiful in fact, that I ran straight into the door while looking at her. The jingly bell hanging from the door jingled obnoxiously at my clumsiness. But still, no one seemed to pay attention. And I wouldn’t have cared anyways. I was still looking at her. Her short hair framed an angular, yet round face, drawing your attention to her cute little nose and vibrant, chocolate eyes. Her full lips were pressed together and she wrinkled her brow in frustration.

    “They’re selling out everywhere. When will you get more?” She asked the man behind the counter.

    He shrugged his response. “A few weeks.”

    The girl groaned and let her head drop dramatically to the counter. “I need it for a class.” Her voice was muffled as she spoke face down on the surface.

    “Sorry.” The cashier said sympathetically.

    I continued to walk outside, relieved that the pretty girl with the warm eyes was too distracted to have seen me faceplant against the door. I began to walk to my car, but stopped. Instead, I sat on the bench just outside the bookstore and waited. It didn’t take long for her to come walking out, empty handed.

    I stood up as she passed by. “Excuse me.”

    She stopped. “Yes?”

    Now her eyes were on me. And I felt like my feet had turned to ice. I cleared my throat and rubbed the back of my neck as I searched for my missing voice. My hand managed to find its way into my shopping bag while my brain was busy being scrambled by her eyes watching me.

    “Is this the book you were looking for?” I somehow asked, pulling the hardcover out and showing it to her.

    She smiled a little. “Yes. It’s on backorder. Apparently everywhere. I was hoping to read it and write a report about it for a college course I’m taking.”

    I held it out to her. “Here.” I said dumbly.

    Her eyes widened and lit up. “Really? I.. no, I couldn’t.”

    “Please. I insist. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on extra credit points.”

    She smiled brighter. “I don’t know what to say. Are you sure?”

    I smiled and nodded, holding the book out closer to her.

    “Thank you. Here, let me pay you for it.” The girl started to fish in her purse for some money.

    “No, it’s ok, really.” I said, waving her offer off.

    “I insist on that. I couldn’t just take it.”

    I suddenly felt bold. “How about this instead. You take the book and read it. And when you’re done, give me a call and maybe I can borrow it from you?”

    I waited, suddenly feeling regret that I had said that. The girl looked at me for a moment, a sweet smiled creeping across her lips. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Really?” I blurted out, shocked.

She giggled and it sounded like music and bells and sunshine. “Yes. Here.” She reached back into her purse and took out an ink pen, handing it to me. “Write your number down and I’ll call you when I’ve finished.”

I took the pen from her and opened the book, scribbling my phone number down on the title page. When I finished, I handed her the pen and the book. The girl took them from me, hugging the book to her chest and grinning.

“Thank you so much for this.” She said, bowing and getting in a cab.

I watched her go, a big dumb grin on my face.

 

Three days later, my phone rang. I answered it even though I didn’t recognize the number.

“Um… Hello?” A young voice said hesitantly. “Um.. bookstore guy?”

“Uhh.” I responded.

The girl on the other end laughed nervously. “You, uh, gave me you book? But you didn’t give me your name.”

“Oh! Pretty bookstore girl!” I said brightly, then feeling my face blush.

She giggled again, the sound of music.

“I didn’t think to get your name either I guess.” I said sheepishly.

“It’s Hyori.”

“Hi Hyori. I’m Seungri. How’s the book?”

“Excellent actually. I just finished it.”

“Fast read.”

“I couldn’t put it down.” We fell into an awkward silence for a moment before Hyori spoke up again. “You still want to borrow it, right?”

“If you’re willing to part with it, yes.” In all honesty, I had completely forgotten about the book, but a chance to see the pretty girl with the beautiful eyes again….

“Well, maybe we can meet up then?”

I felt bold once again. “There’s a coffee house across from the bookstore. Want to have lunch with me?”

She said yes.

 

I managed to show up on time even though it had taken me nearly a dozen wardrobe changes to pick out what to wear. Jiyong had laughed at me over the phone when I asked him what I should wear on a coffee date with a pretty girl who reads books and has a smile like an angel. He was little help other than to remind me to put on deodorant.  Lucky that he had because I actually did forget in my fluster.

I sat in my car outside the coffee house for several minutes, attempting to grow a pair. I was nervous. I was never nervous around girls. But I was nervous. Finally, I took a breath and got out of my car. As I headed towards the cafe, a cab pulled up and I watched as the pretty bookstore girl stepped out. She was wearing a red dress with black polka dots and black flats. She was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Then, she smiled when she saw me. That was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

    “Hello again.” I said, beaming at her.

    She smiled back shyly, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Hello.”

    I held the door for her as we walked inside the coffee house. We waited in line, ordered, and took a seat near the window. Hyori reached into her purse and produced the book I had given to her. She slid it across the table to me. I reached for it, making sure my fingers ‘accidently’ touched hers during the exchange.

    “Thank you again.” She said.

    “You’re welcome. I hope it helped you grade.” I replied.

    “It will. I’m submitting the paper on it tonight.”

    “What are you going to school for?” I asked, sipping my coffee.

    “I want to be a teacher. Focusing on literature.”

    “Very nice.”

    “Not as cool of a career as yours though.” Hyori said with a grin.

    “What?” I almost stammered. “You know who I am?”

    Hyori nodded. “I only realized it after I had left. But yes, I know who you are.”

    “Oh.” I said.

    “Oh? Were you expecting another reaction?”

    I shrugged. “A bigger one, maybe.”

    She laughed. “Well, maybe. But, no offense. It’s not really my style of music. I mean, it’s cool and all. And you’re good. It’s just not my thing. I prefer classical music.”

    “So you don’t care then? Who I am?”

    “Do I care?” She said, looking confused but humorous. “I wouldn’t say I don’t care who you are. It just doesn’t matter too much to me what you do. You’re the nice guy that gave me a book first, before I knew you were a singer. That’s all.”

    I smiled. “Oh.”

    She smiled back at me, making me relax again. She didn’t care about what I did? About the money I made? I was a nice guy? I kept staring at her. Finally she gave me a weird look, jerking me out of my daze, alerting me to the fact that I had been staring.

    “Do you have dinner plans tomorrow?” I blurted.

    She smiled again.

 

*****

    We went out on two dates over the next week before I kissed her goodnight. Four more dates over a two week span before I asked her to be my girlfriend. I wasn’t just nervous about making sure I did things right with her. I wanted to be sure I didn’t rush things. I wanted to get it right. Because I didn’t want meaningless. I didn’t want to repeat all my failed relationships. And I just really, really liked Hyori.

    I held her hand as we walked up the stairs to Jiyong’s place. He was hosting a small get together with the other members of Big Bang. It was the first time I would be introducing Hyori to them. I was excited and nervous at the same time. She was too.

    When we got inside, Daesung greeted us with a shout, rushing forward, and bear hugging Hyori. She laughed and hugged him back before bowing and greeting everyone. Youngbae politely introduced himself and his girlfriend, Hyorin. TOP bowed and offered Hyori a glass of wine. Jiyong bowed and hugged her, smiling at me the whole time. I was beaming, grinning from ear to ear.

    After introductions were over, Youngbae’s girlfriend took Hyori by the arm and led her to the couch. They sat down together, immediately striking up a conversation. I cringed a little, hoping Hyorin wasn’t telling Hyori anything too horrible about me. Youngbae took one look at my nervous face and laughed, telling me to relax. I followed Jiyong into the kitchen to help get drinks and food ready. He hugged me from the side and slapped me on the .

    “She’s as cute as you described her.” He said. “And you described her a lot. I feel like I could have drawn pictures of her with how much you talked about her.”

    I chuckled. “I like her, hyung.”

    “I couldn’t tell. You’ve only been grinning like a fool since the day you met her.” Jiyong laughed. “She seems like a really great girl.”

    “She is. Now, how do I keep her?” I asked.

    He laughed again. “You’re asking me?

    I thought for a moment. “You’re right. I’ll ask Youngbae.”

    He slapped my again. This time a little too hard.

 

*****    

    I brought roses and a giant stuffed panda to Hyori before leaving with Big Bang for a concert in Japan. She lit up when she saw them, smelling the flowers first, then hugging the teddy bear, before finally giving me a kiss.

    “A panda from the panda.” She said with a laugh, loving the chance to tease me about the nickname my fans had given me.

    “Something to keep you company while I’m gone.” I said, kissing her again.

    She placed the roses in a vase on her table, smelling them again as she did. Then she sat down on her couch, pulling me along with her. She curled up in my arms, laying her head on my chest. I let my head rest on the back of the couch, soaking in the moments with her. I had to leave in the morning. It would only be a week, but I wished I could have taken Hyori with me. I always missed her after only moments of being away from her. I made the mistake of telling those exact words to Jiyong and Youngbae after a night of drinking. Jiyong laughed, calling me a sap. But Youngbae patted me on the shoulder and simply said, ‘sounds like love brother’.

    “Hyori.” I said as we laid together in the quiet of her living room.

    “Hmm?” She responded, eyes closed.

    “I think I might love you.” I whispered, hoping it was too quiet for her to hear, just in case it was something she didn’t want to hear yet.

    But she heard me.

    She sat up and turned to look at me. Her chocolate eyes were big and serious. “Really?”

    I gulped and nodded, my eyes darted around a little.

    “Seungri.” She said, cupping my face so that looked at her. “I think I might love you as well.”

    “Really?” I whispered back. She nodded.

    I kissed her. I kissed her like her lips were oxygen to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing me back in a way that made my insides catch on fire and melt. I pulled her up on my lap and stood up, carrying her to her bedroom.

    We made love that night. I had had before, of course. Many times. But to say that I had ‘made love’ before that. No. It was entirely different. It was perfect and beautiful in a way that, had I spilled my guts out about it to Jiyong, he would have laughed and kissed me and called me a real man. But it was love, for sure.

 

*****

    I rushed up the steps to Hyori’s house as soon as I was back in Seoul. Japan had been a blast. As it always was. But I was happy to be home. And I was happy to be seeing Hyori again. I knocked on her door, too loudly, too rapidly. But then, she’d know it was me for sure. Which she most certainly did. Because she flung the door open and jumped into my arms the moment, smiling brightly.

    “I missed you, my rock star panda.” She said, pulling me into a kiss that made the days apart fall away.

    “I missed you too.”

    She opened the door wider and stepped back. “Want to come in? You’ve got to be tired.”

    “I am a little, but actually, I thought maybe we could go out. I could use a little Seoul in my soul.”

    Hyori giggled and rolled her eyes. “You’re such a nerd. But ok, let me change into something else. Where shall we go.”

    “I’ve got a place in mind.” I said, following her inside. “Do you remember the dress you wore when we met for coffee?”

    “Um, no actually.”

    “Well, I do. Because you about knocked me dead in it.” I said, making her laugh and roll her eyes at me again. “It was red, with black polka dots. Will you wear that?”

    She nodded and pulled it out of her closest, holding it up for me to see. I grinned.

    After she changed she went to the bathroom to pull her hair back. I followed her in there too. I stood behind her as she looked in the mirror, fixing her hair and makeup. I told her she was perfectly fine without the makeup but she shushed me. So I pulled a black jewelry box from my pocket and placed it on the bathroom counter in front of her. She stared down at it for a moment before looking back up at me. When she didn’t make a move to open it, I did it for her, producing a silver necklace with a locket. The locket was in the shape of a book.

    Hyori reached out and touched the locket gently before opening it, finding a tiny picture of us inside. “Oh, Seungri.” She whispered.

    “There was a bookstore in Japan, they sold these. I thought of you.” I said, unclasping the necklace and placing it around her neck.

    “It’s beautiful.” She said, smiling and touching it as it rested just below where her collarbones met.

    “You’re beautiful.” I replied, kissing her neck.

    I surprised her again that night with taking her to see an orchestra that was performing in Seoul. As we walked into the concert hall, Hyori froze, gaping at the sign.

    “Seungri, this… I don’t know what to say.” She looked down at herself and her eyes widened. “I’m not dressed for this!”

    I chuckled. “What do you mean?”

    “It’s like going to an opera in jogging clothes! Everyone will be dressed in evening gowns and suits.”

    “I’m not in a suit.” I said, beckoning at my blazer and slacks. “Besides, there is no everyone for you to worry about.”

    “What do you mean?” Hyori asked.

    I smiled and wrapped my arms around her waist pulling her close so I could smell her perfume and whisper into her ear. “Because we will be the only ones watching tonight.”

    Before she could ask what I meant, I took her by the hand and led her inside. We were the only ones in attendance that evening. I had rented the entire hall out, paying the orchestra for an extra performance just for us. As we sat down in the empty room, an usher appeared, pushing a cart to us. On it was a bottle of champagne, a jar of strawberries, and a bouquet of roses.

    We sat back with our glasses of champagne as the curtain began to rise.

    “You didn’t have to do all this.” Hyori said, gazing at me. “You don’t have to do any big things like this for me. You know I would have been just as happy with take-out and a movie.”

    “I know that. But I wanted to do this for you. Because I love seeing your face light up when you’re surprised. I love you in that dress. I love watching you when you’re listening to the music you love. I just love you.”

    She kissed me lightly and sweetly. “I love you too.”

 

*****

    I introduced her to my family. It was terrifying. Hyori laughed at me when I told her I had never taken a girl home to meet my mom before. But I think it also made her nervous too. She had nothing to worry about though. My mom absolutely loved her. In fact, I got my ear pulled and scolded for not bringing Hyori around sooner. The two of them sat together on the back porch of the house I grew up in, talking over glasses of tea. I fidgeted anxiously, hoping there would be no baby pictures would be brought out.

    Hyori helped my mother in the kitchen after we had dinner. I entertained my siblings in the living room, but my eyes kept traveling back to the kitchen as I watched Hyori and my mom laugh together. As we got ready to leave for the night, we said our goodbyes to my family and my mother hit me again, making me promise to bring that wonderful girl around more often.

 

*****

    It was my birthday. I stood with my eyes covered by Hyori’s hands. She led my blindly forward a few more steps before making me stop. Finally, she pulled back her hands and I opened my eyes. We were standing in front of the bookstore where we had met. I blinked in the sudden light and looked around. Finally I realized what she was showing me.

    Just inside the store window was a display of books. On the cover of those books, it read: A Lifetime Loved, A Book of Poetry. By Kim Hyori.

    I stared at it, reading it over. Then I stared at Hyori. She was beaming up at me.

    “You… you published a book!” I exclaimed.

    She squealed and grabbed my hand, pulling me inside. We walked over to the display and she snatched up one of the books, opening it and handing it to me. I read the dedication page.

    The book was dedicated to me.

    “Hyori.” I whispered. There was a knot in my throat, choking out my voice a little.

    “It took me all summer.” She said.

    “Will you autograph this one for me?” I asked, grinning.

    She beamed at me again. “I’d love to.”

 

*****

    “Sit down and relax.” I said, feeling like I was talking to a child.

    Hyori coughed again, grumbling and ignored me. She was sick with a chest cold for the third time in just over a month. She had been overwhelming herself with college courses and work and had to take a break. The antibiotics she got from the doctors only seemed to settle her symptoms down for a few days before they were back again.

    “I just need to make some more tea.” Hyori said.

    I picked her up and carried her to the couch and placed a blanket across her lap. “I’ll get the tea. You get better.”

    “Yes dear.” She replied with a cute pout.

 

*****

    Hyori went to the hospital after a coughing fit left her so out of breath she nearly collapsed. I had been out of town with Big Bang when it happened. She didn’t even tell me until I got home because she didn’t want me to worry. I got back just as she was being discharged.

    “You should have called.” I said, trying not to scold her.

    “It would have threw your night off. Besides, I feel better.” Hyori said, kissing me. “But I need to go to the doctor tomorrow for some more tests. They want to do a scan and see if I have an infection in my lungs or something.”

    “Want me to go with you?” I asked.

    “Don’t you have to practice with your boys?”

    I shrugged. “I can skip.”

    “Don’t you go getting yourself in trouble for me. I’ll take my mom with me. It won’t take me too long anyways. I’ll call you right after.”

    I agreed with her and kissed her goodnight before heading home.

    The next day, I went to the studio to practice our choreography. I confided with the other members that I was worried about Hyori. They reassured me that she was probably fine. But I waited all morning for her to call. When she did, all she told me was that it went well and that she should hear back with the results in a couple days.

    As soon as I was released from practice, I headed to her house, picking up take-out and roses on my way.

 

*****

    The doctor called with Hyori’s medical results. I sat beside her and waited. She hung up quickly and turned to me. My chest tightened when I saw that she was nervous.

    “He wants me to come in to discuss it.” She said.

    I tried to shrug it off for her. “That’s pretty normal, right?”

    “I guess so. Will you come with me?”

    I kissed her forehead, her nose, and her lips. “Of course.”

 

*****

    My brain turned off after the word CANCER.

    

    I held Hyori’s hand. Or maybe she was holding mine. She sat, quiet, unmoving, as the doctor explained her case to her. I watched her face. Her beautiful face with her beautiful eyes. No way. There was no way she was that sick.

    I heard words like ‘treatment’, ‘therapy’, and ‘months’.

    “How long will it take for the treatments to help?” I heard myself ask.

    The doctor looked at me. “I don’t think you understand. Even the most aggressive treatments will only buy her time.”

    “Time.” I repeated.

    “This is terminal. I’m sorry. There is only so much we can do to make things easier.”

    

    I was walking out of the building with Hyori by my side. I didn’t remember getting up from the chair, shaking the doctor’s hand, the elevator. Anything. Suddenly we were on sidewalk.

    “Seungri.” A voice said. Hyori.

    I blinked and looked down at her. Looking at her like I was seeing her for the first and last time all at the same time. There’s no way. No way she could be….

    “I need to go to my parents’. Ok?” She said.

    “Want… me to go with you?” My voice cracked a little.

    “I think I want to tell them alone. Is that ok? Are you ok?”

    “Am I ok?” I repeated.

    She bit her lip. Her chocolate eyes were red from crying. Had she been crying? She seemed like she had been holding it together. “I will call you. Tomorrow morning.”

    

    I took a cab to my mother’s house because I couldn’t remember how to drive. The steps up to her front door seemed steeper than I remembered. I reached the door and went down, a silent sob rising from deep inside me. The sound of me collapsing on my knees on the old wooden porch must have been loud because the front door opened.

    “Seungri?” My mother’s voice asked.

    She stooped down beside me.

    “Mama….” I whispered hoarsely. Tears were finally spilling. The cry I had been holding in was being released. I clutched at my mother, shattering. The words were on my lips. The words I didn’t want to say. “....mama…. She’s dying. Mama…. She’s dying.”

 

*****

    I went with Hyori to another meeting with her doctor. I sat numbly as options were discussed. She spoke calmly, almost serenely as the discussed her life. And how it was ending. The doctor listed off treatments, the symptoms they would bring, and a guess at how much time it would give Hyori. How much time it would give us. Meanwhile, I was a blank mess, utterly useless to her.

    When the meeting was over, Hyori got up to go, but I was frozen. I had heard her right. I knew I did. She had even turned to me to confirm it. But I couldn’t believe it.

    “So you’re giving up.” I said flatly.

    Hyori sat back down beside me, taking my hand. “Sweetie, you heard him, right? Nothing will cure me. It will only add a few months. And those months… Baby, I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to be constantly nauseous. I don’t want to lose my hair. I feel good right now. I really do. I want to keep feeling that way for as long as I can.”

    I swallowed against the knot in my throat and felt myself nod. She got back up and I followed her. When we got outside, she turned and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back but my arms felt dead and useless. She rose up on her toes to kiss me.

    “Where should we go?” She asked.

    I shrugged, trying to clear the fog from my brain. “The coffee house?”

    She smiled. “That sounds good. But I meant, you know. Travel. I’d like to go see some places, if that’s ok? Can you miss some time with Big Bang.”

    “I’ll miss all the time you need me for.” I said, feeling the weight of the statement. “Where do you want to go.”

    She pressed her lips together in thought. “Everywhere, really. I haven’t been very many places. I alway wanted to see France. Italy. Is that too much? I don’t want to ask too much of you. Oh, and the Grand Canyon! And I heard there are amazing waterfalls in Japan. Sorry, I can’t ask….”

    “Let’s pack.” I said, smiling for both our sakes.

 

*****

    I left Hyori at her house to pack for a long trip and told her I would pick her up after I got my things. But I drove to Jiyong’s house first. The moment he opened the door, I broke down. He took me into his arms like the big brother he had always been to me, rubbing my back in soothing circles. I had told them all that Hyori was sick. Now I was coming to tell him the rest. He listened to me and my nearly indecipherable babble. I talked down to my hands, not wanting to look him in the eye for the longest time. When I finally did, I saw that he was crying.

    “I’m sorry, Ri.” He whispered.

    I bit my lip, biting back more sobs. “I need time off. Please.”

    “I’ll handle it all. Don’t worry about Big Bang or YG or any of it. Worry about you and Hyori enjoying this trip.” Jiyong said, pulling me into a hug. “It will be hard. I can’t even imagine how hard, brother. But put on a brave face for her. Let her enjoy this time with you. You both deserve it.”

    I went home and packed. I threw clothes into a suitcase, not caring if anything matched. I grabbed my toothbrush and other essentials. Lastly, I picked up Hyori’s book of poetry and and carefully packed it in my bag. I had read it cover to cover more than once already. But I was going to read it again. And again.

    On the way to pick Hyori up, I stopped for a bouquet of roses.

 

*****

    We had two wonderful months. Where she was in barely any pain, and medication seemed to keep that at bay for the most part. We traveled. I took her to Paris and Rome. We ate at every restaurant that looked interesting. I took her on boat rides out to sea and carried her on my back through the forests in Japan to see waterfalls. Two wonderful, bittersweet months.

    Then she started having trouble catching her breath. Her body ached more. She was sleeping a lot. I couldn’t keep taking her out on trips, even though she told me still wanted to. One night, the pain got to be too much, and she couldn’t breath well. I rushed her to the hospital. The doctors ran test, scanned her body, took blood. I waited by her side, holding her hand.

    I had learned to read doctor’s faces pretty well by then. So when one walked in with a clipboard and a stricken look, I knew. I just knew.

    It wasn’t going to be long now.

    We called family and friends. We told them that Hyori would not be discharged. That she was going to be staying in the hospital until it was done. People came quickly. Coming and going in bursts. There were tears, and sad laughter as Hyori talked with them all. Even though she was tired and weak, she smiled for them.

    A few days went on like this. Finally, there was a lull in the visits. And I could sit quietly with Hyori while her parents went to eat. I held her fragile hand in mine, trying to ignore how thin it was, the veins showing through her skin.

    “We never got to go to the Grand Canyon.” Hyori said sadly.

    I smiled softly, trying to mask my own sadness. “Maybe another time.”

    “Another life time.”

    I swallowed against the lump in my throat. Another life time seemed a lifetime away.

    “Marry me.” I said to her.

    “What?” Hyori asked me, her tired eyes widened.

    “You heard me.” I answered with a sly grin. I leaned over her and pressed my forehead to hers, so that all she could see were my eyes and all I could see were hers. “Marry me.”

    I saw the tears coming. She sniffed back a sob. “How could you ask me that? Why would you want that?”

    “Because I love you.”

    “I love you too, Seungri. More than anything. But, why would you want to marry me just to lose me? Why would I marry you, knowing I’m going to leave you a widower so soon.”

    I refused the tears of my own that were threatening to fall. “I want to be married to you. I want to know what it feels like to be married to the greatest woman I’ve ever know.” Please, Hyori. Make me so lucky.”

    Three days later, we had a ceremony in her hospital room. My Big Bang brothers stood by my side and her family stood by her. I had roses delivered to her room. They came in in bunches, filling every free space. Hyori laughed as they kept coming in.

    “A little over the top, isn’t it?” She asked with a smile.

    I shook my head. “Not at all. There’s 371 of them. One for each day we’ve been together.”

    She smiled again as the tears fell, holding out her arms to me. I went to them, holding her to me. We said our vows in the presence of our loved ones, signing the marriage license, and shared a kiss. Daesung threw a handful of paper hearts in the air as everyone clapped. Our family left soon after, knowing Hyori was exhausted.

    “I love you, my wife.” I said as I laid down on the hospital bed beside her.

    “I love you, my husband.” Hyori said back, taking my hand.

 

    She died in her sleep that night, going so peacefully, so silently, I didn’t even know she had gone until I woke up early the next morning. When I realized she had left me, I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t call for a doctor. I couldn’t do anything but lay my head down on her still chest and sob quietly. Only when I nurse came in and discovered what had happened did I make a sound. I wailed mournfully as they pulled me away from her, crying her name out over and over.

    

*****

    Hyori was buried a short time after. There were so many people at her funeral, so many people that had loved her, so many people she loved. But none had been loved by her the way I had been. Jiyong and Youngbae stood beside me, holding my hands. Behind me were Daesung and TOP, both hand a hand resting on either of my shoulders. My brothers were there for me. Yet I had never felt so alone. So hollow and empty. The skies had opened up and a steady rainfall was coming down on us all as we stood there. It was as if even Heaven was crying at the loss. But the rain could do nothing to mask the tears falling from my face.

    People spoke about her. About what a beautiful and good person Hyori was. Things I already knew. Then it was my turn to speak. I felt numb. I barely acknowledged Jiyong squeeze my hand or help guide me to the podium.

    “Hyori.” My voice cracked. I cleared my throat and looked down at the rain soaked paper in my hands. Youngbae had helped me with my speech. It was beautiful. It spoke of her sweet and caring nature. Of her feisty side. Of everything I thought people should know about the woman I loved. But it all paled in comparison to how wonderful she really was. “I miss her so much.”

    I broked down. Sobbing bitterly with my head lowered. But I needed to find my strength. I needed to say something about the woman I had loved.

    “I got to spend a year with Hyori. One year. I wish I had one hundred more. But I guess sometimes angels only get to stay with you for a short time. I only got one year with Hyori but she changed my life.”

    I walked away. I passed the blur of faces, passed Jiyong and the others. There was a patch of rose bushes near the woods surrounding the cemetery. A stone bench sat among them, with a giant statue of an angel not far off, as if keeping watch of the peaceful little area. I sat down on the bench, drew in a breath that smelled of roses. And cried.

    I didn’t attend the get together Hyori’s family had hosted. The last thing I wanted was to sit in a room of grief stricken people, trying to smile and share our memories with each other. Instead I returned to Hyori’s grave. I sat down beside it, pulling out the dirty picnic blanket from her old wicker basket and draped it over my legs and the fresh dirt that now covered the woman I loved.

    Jiyong found me there, just as the sun was beginning to set, just as I was about to drift off to sleep. He approached me slowly and squatted down beside me and said nothing. I knew he was searching for words to comfort me. But there were none.

    After a few moments of ignoring his presence, I turned to him. “What am I supposed to do now?” I asked, my throat raw from crying.

    “I don’t know.” Jiyong replied softly.

    It wasn’t a good enough answer. I furrowed my brow and shook my head. “No. Hyung, please. Please, tell me. How do I do this? How do I live now? Without her.”

    Jiyong bit his lip. Tears spilled down his cheeks. His heart hurt for me. “You just do. You live. For her. Because she would have wanted you to.”

 

    Several days passed. Jiyong and my other hyungs rarely left my side. The were worried about me and my emotional state. I couldn’t blame them. I wasn’t eating or sleeping well. Mostly I just wanted to sit at Hyori’s grave. The most sleep I got was when I was by her side. My chest ached whenever I was away. As if my heart was trying to dig its way out and be with her.

    I found myself standing in my bathroom. The door was locked. The sound of the tv and my brothers was muffled and distant. In my shaking hands was a bottle of pills a doctor had given me to help me relax and sleep. I stared at it. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like I had aged so much. I looked like a ghost.

    I opened the bottle and counted out the pills in a line of the bathroom counter. There were plenty, more than enough. I scooped them into a pile. There was already a glass of water sitting out.

    Hyori. I thought. If she was there, somewhere between this life and something beyond, would she be waiting for me? Would I find her again? Would she forgive me for taking this way out? Or would she want me to live? For her.

    A sob rose from my throat as I swiped up the pills into my hand and tossed them into the toilet. I sat down on the bathroom floor and cried. Then I drew myself a bath.

 

*****

    It was early in the morning, the sun still low in the sky, and there was a chilly breeze coming off the open land. I was grateful for it as we pulled into the visitor's parking lot for the Grand Canyon. Barely any other tourists were there yet. And most of them were sticking close to the building off to the side of the lot, waiting for guided tours to start. Jiyong parked the car and turned to me. I knew he wanted to offer to go with me, but he didn’t ask. He knew I would want to be alone. So I patted him on the leg and climbed out of the car, taking the wicker basket with me. It was the same basket Hyori and I had used for picnics.

    I walked down a small path, ducking under a barrier I was certain I wasn’t supposed to cross. After pushing my way through a line of brush and picker bushes, I found myself on the edge of the canyon. It stretched out before me in layers of reds and browns and copper. The sun shone over it, casting shadows in some places, making others look like they were glowing. It was breathtaking.

    I approached the edge slowly. Breathing in the open air. I closed my eyes and thought of her. Her bright eyes and playful smile. How she would have loved being here. I wish I could have shared this moment with her. Instead, I lifted the basket in my hands and unclasped the latch. Leaning as far as I dared over the side of the canyon, I dumped its contents. The air was filled with the scent of roses for the briefest moment as the petals fell out. They caught the wind and fluttered and swirled as they dropped into the great ravine before me. 372 petals to be exact. They danced in the air, spreading out like bright red feathers, falling from my sight.

    I smiled. For the first in weeks. Since I said my wedding vows and kissed her for the last time, I smiled.

    She would have loved this view.