At first I was scared. You were trying to show me this whole new world, full of Sunday mornings spent in between the sheets and breakfasts in bed that were always disasters. You laughed and told me it was okay because you’d get it right next time but you never did. I was happy because you looked so adorable with flour on your cheeks and in your hair, and you’d laugh when I brushed it away and act embarrassed, as if you hadn’t just taken down the walls I spent a lifetime building up. How did you do it?

I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You were something beautiful I was never meant to have, a mirage in the desert tempting me. I drank you in greedily, ignoring the voice in the back of my head screaming at me to stop. How could I when you were so close to me, begging me to touch?

The first time I saw you was like a dream because how could someone so beautiful exist? Suddenly all the fairy tales my mother read me were possible. Princes and Knights in armor weren’t just pictures in a storybook anymore; they were in front of me, with shaggy hair and basketball shorts that broke the rules but you got away with it.

You always got away with breaking the rules. Maybe that was why I liked you. I was so angry, so mad at everyone. I couldn’t control anything so I took it out on everyone else and pretended that made things better (even though it didn’t). It sort of worked until you waltzed into my life with your stupid smile and silly jokes that made me laugh even though I didn’t think they were funny. It hurt, to watch you next to me every day and know you weren’t mine.

You were an unstoppable wind blowing your way into my life and disrupting everything. I wanted to hate you but it was impossible. You were the one thing I looked forward to every day and every night I went to sleep looking forward to the next day because you would be there again.

For the first time in my life I wanted to try. It wasn’t enough to lay in bed and wait for the days to pass by. Now I had a reason to get up, a reason to fight the apathy that had taken hold. You were the night light in my bedroom, chasing away the shadows I used to let consume me. When you were there I wasn’t as scared, at least not in the same ways. It was new to me, being more afraid of losing someone else than myself.

I fought it, fought you. I didn’t know how stubborn you were, though, back then. Every day you were there, bugging me and forcing me to stop dying and start living. You were very persuasive, too persuasive. I can’t blame you for giving me hope. I wanted it as bad as you. I was just too afraid: of life, of death, of caring.

You changed me. You took the scared little boy and showed him how beautiful life could be. Without you I never would have made it this far. I owe you my life, because without you I wouldn’t have one. It’s a debt I can never repay. I know you wouldn’t want me to, and you’d tell me I’m being ridiculous and then shove food in my face to make me forget. That’s why I’m telling you this way.

You’re amazing and thoughtful and kind. You’re almost too kind. You care so much about others that sometimes you forget about yourself. I’m asking you not to.

This is only the second time I’ve ever asked you for anything. The first time wasn’t as scary, because a kiss is so much easier than a promise. A kiss is a moment in time that stops and ends when you want it to and you never have to worry about breaking it because it’s as simple as pulling back and smiling.

Please, don’t live for others more than yourself. Keep caring and keep giving but don’t make it all you are. Smile and laugh and love but most importantly love yourself.

You are the most amazing person I ever had the pleasure of loving. I didn’t think it was possible before I met you but you proved me wrong because it’s impossible not to love you. You bring the best out in everyone around you. You are the most vibrant and radiant thing I’ve ever seen, brighter than any star in the sky. Every night I look up and smile because I feel you looking down on me, telling me it’s okay, even if it isn’t.

I’m writing this because it’s a good day and I want to do it before the good days stop. You’re probably wondering where I am right now, worriedly checking and double checking with the receptionist. I’m sorry I had to do it like this. My parents wanted to move me and I thought it would be easier for us both.

I’m asking my sister to deliver this because she’s the only one who never judged me for caring about you. She understands, as best as she can, and I know you’re a hugger so you’ll probably need someone once you finish this. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her about this kiss or anything. She just thinks we were best friends. We are, were, still are. I don't know.

Just please don’t give up. Keep living life and making others as happy as you made me. Make people smile, and more importantly, smile yourself. You always told me that life was only as horrible as you let it be and as good as you made it. Make your life as wonderful as you made mine.

The last thing I ask you is not to be sad. You shouldn’t be sad because this isn’t a bad thing. We both knew it was coming. They didn’t call it inoperable for nothing, right? Sorry. You’re probably scowling at the paper.

I need to stop now. They’re about to pump me full of pain meds and we both know how little sense I make then. The nurse is impatient waiting for me. It reminds me of the time you made the doctor wait a whole half hour for my surgery because we had to finish Iron Man. I don’t know how they didn’t fire you. Maybe your charm is just as potent on others as me.

I’m so sorry, Jackson. This was the only way. They said I only have a few more weeks anyway and I didn’t wanna spend them watching you watch me in pain. I’d rather remember you as I saw you the last time, happy and giggling, which was only yesterday for me but already feels so far away. It could be months and I’d still remember your smile as vividly as if you were in front of me.

Thank you for showing me a life worth living. Thank you for being a person worth living for.

I love you.

- Mark in RM 204 ;)