Jessica saw Hyoyeon scoff once again and turn to stare at her.

“What?” she asked with a shrug. Getting only a hard stare as a response, she went to examine the next shelf of juice and soft drink bottles.

She and Hyoyeon are at the grocery store as the latter ran out of supplies in her dorm. She lied about not having classes, but it won’t hurt to skip, she thought. She would probably be mentally absent during the lectures anyway.

Her failed attempt to tug the shopping cart forward caused her to take a deep breath.

“What?”

It came out less like a question with her eyes piercing Hyoyeon.

“Really, Jess? Regular Coke?” Hyoyeon placed the soda cans back to the shelf, “I know Tiffany’s stockpile has also grown bare, but what we’re buying right now are for me. Even so, are you forgetting something?”

“Forgetting what? That you’re a bugger? My mind is perfectly updated, Hyo. And I’m fine. Trust me, I’m doing this to save your stubborn self from your roommate’s dreadful lecture about how bland a Diet Coke is,” Jessica said knowingly, then placed the red cans of regular Coke back to the cart.

 “Nonsense. Your ex-girlfriend’s just as stubborn. Now stop thinking about her and let me get the sodas I want.”

 “Fine. Do what you want.”

***

Rushing her way to the southern side of the campus, Jessica was almost breathless when she reached Hyoyeon’s dormitory. She was in the middle of doing library search for a course requirement when her friend sent her a message about a written report she ought to pass but left in her dorm. No—or at least, only a little—amount of pleading made Jessica hasten to rescue her friend. Having a forgetful friend like Hyoyeon, this kind of situation is nothing short of normal. Jessica has already gotten used to it and she almost never minded, or she was just too nice for her own good. She tried resisting once or twice, when she was not in the mood to walk all the way from the campus’ main gate to the south entrance, but still ended up to the rescue as she could not bear to upset her already struggling friend. Besides, Hyoyeon always makes it up to her.

Using her key (Hyoyeon gave her a duplicate) to unlock the door, Jessica went straight to Hyoyeon’s side of the room and to the messy pile of papers. She could’ve immediately found the said paper if not for the whiff of cigarette smoke that reached her nose.

Her movements must have resonated to the balcony, where the smell emanates from, because she saw Tiffany spun herself around in alert and check on the sudden sound. The surprise in her face reflected the one in Jessica’s, except Tiffany’s ebbed away almost instantly. Jessica wanted so much to check any clock for the time because as far as she can remember, Tiffany’s classes don’t end until five in the afternoon and unless it took her three hours to get there, she’s pretty sure it’s only a few minutes past two. However, Tiffany looked all dressed up for her classes so Jessica thought the current class was just cancelled for the day.

Normally, Tiffany would stub her cigarette in an instant (because Jessica made sure to make her known of her strong condemnation of cigarette smoke). Normally, Tiffany would chew a gum instead.

But normal days are long gone, Jessica thought. Unsure of how and whether she should start a conversation, Jessica thought hard of the least awkward things to say.

“Since when did you start smoking again?”

She made sure her voice would come out soft like she only wanted the situation not to be awkward, and not accusatory like in those old times when Tiffany promised to quit smoking but gets caught by Jessica because she was not thorough enough to hide the smell.

Tiffany blew another puff of smoke. For a moment, Jessica thought Tiffany would pretend not to hear her. “Last week,” the latter replied with the same softness, except it was almost inaudible.

“I see. Guess old habits never really die,” Jessica hoped her calm and friendly voice would come out, but it seemed far-fetched at the moment.

“Right,” Tiffany replied.

Scrambling among Hyoyeon’s papers, Jessica finally found the report. She left without looking back, feeling suffocated not from the smoke of the cigarette but from her massive tangle of thoughts about Tiffany.

***

The sun climbed higher and the bright blue sky was dotted with fluffy scraps of clouds. The warm and kind weather seemed to be mocking Jessica. The morning breeze would have felt refreshing if not for the exhaustion that fast approached the petite woman. She and Hyoyeon are up early to jog around the campus. Much to her friend’s surprise, Jessica called early in the morning saying she would tag along in the morning jog. She already expected Hyoyeon to be surprised at the thought. Jessica never really cared enough to exercise her muscles except when Hyoyeon makes her run for emergencies. Her slender body must have been because of her petite physique, to which Tiffany always expresses her envy.

“I’m still wondering why you would do this all of a sudden. I know it’s to get some of Tiffany out of your mind, but what’s new about this break up? How many more days do I have to deal with your senselessness before you two get back together for the nth time?”

Hyoyeon asked, tugging all the water out of her jug. Being Jessica’s friend since high school and Tiffany’s roommate in college, it is safe to say that she knows both girls well. She saw how their friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship in no time Hyoyeon wondered if there was even a friendship stage. In fact, she may have played cupid for some time and enjoyed it, because she knew from the look in their eyes and the words that came out of their mouth that the world suddenly becomes deserted except for each other when they are together.

However, like any other relationships, theirs was not all smooth. They get into arguments and mostly arrive at a break up as conclusion because they just wanted to stop fighting. After a few weeks—or sometimes just days—they get back together like nothing happened, the look in their eyes still the same as when they saw each other the first time.

Jessica’s eyes, as deep and clear as the sky, gazed her.

“I think our break up is pretty serious,” she replied before unplugging her earphones.

“Oh, yeah? And I totally hate dancing.”

“No, Hyo. It’s real this time.”

It took a moment before Jessica managed to get the words out of . Hyoyeon knew it was indeed different. She wanted so much to comfort her friend, tell her everything would be okay soon and Tiffany will eventually get her back. But when those words seemed empty even in her mind, she chose to just keep the silence and hoped she’s wrong: that there is more to come for the two that will strengthen their relationship.

***

With exams coming up, Jessica was hoping for a calm and composed post-break up day. It was a concept she made up to focus on her studies first before dealing with anything else. No upsetting thoughts about Tiffany or thoughts about her at all.

Fate must not be in her favor though, because all of a sudden Tiffany, looking rushed and frantic, came with her tray to Jessica’s table in the cafeteria.

She said nothing and started eating. Jessica looked around and realized that the seat opposite her was the last one to take so Tiffany, who now chomps her spoon of food after another, really had no choice. Worried that the girl might choke on her food, Jessica attempted a conversation.

 “Time flies so fast, don’t you think? We’re almost on to our final semester.”

That was the best she can utter.

“Yeah, it does,” Tiffany swallowed her food before answering. Jessica felt herself breathe deep. It seemed ages ago when she last heard her voice.

“What are your plans after? Still the same? I’m sure your uncle’s excited to have you work for him.”

“I kind of changed my mind. I don’t think I’ll want to get that job anymore, so I’m trying to think of something else.”

“Really?” Jessica was a little surprised that Tiffany has thought of making new plans. It was long set, she working for her uncle. Jessica remembered her saying how thankful she is for being assured such an opportunity.

“Yeah.”

Jessica hoped Tiffany would ask about hers, just like how their normal conversations went. But right away, she was brought back to reality.

“I better go. I’m almost late for class. Bye.”

She’s not, Jessica thought.

***

Jessica was on her way back to her dorm, which was on the north entrance near the campus’ main building. She was furious when she didn’t get Hyoyeon’s dorm, because the reservations were done online and someone was faster than her by a fraction of a second. But she has grown to like her dorm’s surroundings better and besides, she’s free to go to Hyoyeon’s when she would feel like it.

She was reaching for the key in her bag but stopped, seeing that the door was ajar. She always makes sure it was locked before she goes out and Hyoyeon may have a key but she never goes there without telling Jessica first.

Thinking she just didn’t get Hyoyeon’s message, she went in but was greeted by a surprise instead. Only then did she remember about being told about having a new roommate. The previous one didn’t renew her stay this semester, and this one might have moved in early for the next.

“Oh, hi,” the girl, upon seeing Jessica, stood up and greeted her. She looked young, maybe she’s a freshman, Jessica thought.

“Hi.”

Jessica looked from her new roommate to the messy heap of belongings on the floor and on the girl’s bed.

“I’m sorry my things are everywhere. I’m not really good at unpacking.”

“It’s okay, uh…” she waited for the girl to say her name. She felt friendly today.

“SinB. Hwang SinB,” her roommate gladly replied.

Really, when will fate be in her favor? Brushing off the thought that this is Tiffany’s relative or anything, Jessica composed herself. Besides, there are just as many Jungs as Hwangs in the campus.

“Right. It’s okay, SinB.”

“Thank you.”

She would have helped the girl unpack her things but Jessica didn’t have the energy to move. She sat on her bed and watched SinB move back and forth to organize her stuff.

 A small familiar box caught Jessica’s attention and she leaned to reach it.

“You smoke? You look too angelic for someone who smokes,” she said while examining the carton.

“I know, right? But it’s not what you think.”

“…”

 “Well, I don’t do it regularly,” SinB continued when her reply was only met by Jessica’s skeptical look.

“Ah. Randomly, then?” SinB suddenly looked too serious so Jessica tried to joke.

“I light one when I’m really stressed out. I’m not too young to have problems too, you know.”

“Why don’t you just do other things? Like eat or sleep.”

Jessica saw the young girl think about it for a moment.

“Cigarette’s my thing, I guess? I tried doing other stuff, but they didn’t really work. I exercised. I slept. I danced. I did yoga. I moved and I didn’t move. But they brought no change. Smoking was kind of like my last resort. It is every time, now,” Jessica was amazed to hear her talk about the matter like it’s a solution to an equation. Like a drug to an illness. Like her view is not unpopular.

“How is it like? Does it make you feel comfortable?”

“Not so much a comfort zone, but it was good enough,” SinB said, as a matter of fact.

***

By the looks of it, Jessica’s new roommate was nowhere near the end of unpacking her things. Not wanting to be of any disturbance, Jessica decided to just hang out with Hyoyeon, but all the latter did so far was rant to her about a project she was yet to accomplish.

“This really drained everything out of me. Money, energy, ideas, what else? Now I have to work on the financial matters. Is there an end to this?” Hyoyeon groaned, “Jess, help me.”

“I’m helping you. I’m almost done here,” Jessica replied. Why does everybody need help today?

“Thanks. Alright, now I just need to- wait, where is it?”

“Where’s what?”

“That thing.”

“What?”

“That little thing. Ugh, I think I left it in my pocket earlier,” Hyoyeon started to get frantic, “Noooo, it’s now in the laundry service!”

It was not a new sight to Jessica.

“I’ll go with you,” Jessica reached for her jacket only to be stopped by Hyoyeon.

“No, please stay and finish that for me. I’ll try to be quick.”

Jessica was already done but Hyoyeon still hasn’t come back yet. She was just about to bow her head in Hyoyeon’s desk to take a nap when Tiffany came inside the room, looking tired from her day’s activities. Wanting the girl to get as much rest as possible, Jessica sat still and didn’t try to greet or talk to her.

However, Tiffany doesn’t seem to be on her way to get rest soon. She has her laptop and many other things grasped in and dangling from her hands, and was carrying them to her desk.

“Here. Let me.”

Jessica didn’t know when she got up from the bed but the next thing she knows, she has her hands offered to help Tiffany carry some of her things.

“I can do it, Jessica,” it was the first time Tiffany seemed to recognize her presence. Despite the rejected offer, Jessica rejoiced upon hearing her name from the girl. It was always different coming out of Tiffany. The name was common all around the world, but Tiffany somehow makes it special.

“No, it’s okay.”

“I said I can do it.”

Jessica was taken aback when Tiffany raised her voice.

“I can handle myself, okay?” Tiffany added. Although her voice was calm, Jessica couldn’t see a hint of conviction. She knows Tiffany needs her, and she needs Tiffany too.

“A-Are you sure? Tiffany, what is wrong with you? I’m just here. I can help you.”

Jessica tried to reach for her but Tiffany recoiled at the movement.

“Everything, Jessica. Everything’s wrong with me but I’m trying to be good and I’m doing just fine so stop asking me and looking at me like I’m a homeless person begging for clothes and money. I don’t need your pity.”

The words felt like fire, instantly burning Jessica whole.

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“It’s what I feel. And what I feel matters to me.”

“How about how I feel? Is that why you broke up with me?” As much as she couldn’t hold her tears, she couldn’t bear any more second not knowing the reason they had to breakup.

Tiffany stood on her spot while Jessica waited for her answer.

“Tiffany.”

She seconds stretched like hours between the two. Jessica’s sobs were quiet but still, they were the only sound that can be heard around the room.

“Tiff, why did you break up with me?”

She sounded almost desperate like her life depended on the answer, yet it was the last of their conversation followed by a slam of the door, leaving her alone in the room once again.

***

“Unnie, can you help me with this?”

Jessica was curled up in her bed, feeling a little less distressed when she woke up in the morning. It was a few minutes past ten and she had no plans for the day except lazing around until SinB, her roommate who was busy studying for her physics exam, said she had a problem with grasping a concept.

Jessica grunted in protest.

“Please?” SinB asked, sitting down Jessica’s bed. “My exam’s in a few hours. I don’t have time to ask around.”

Knowing the young girl would not leave her alone soon, Jessica got up. Besides, she knew she needed some time off to think of other things.

“Fine, let me see that. But get out of my bed first.”

When SinB got back in their room later that day, Jessica was still in bed watching TV.

“Did you do well, SinB-ya?” she asked, talking about the girl’s earlier exam.

“Of course.” SinB replied, grinning.

“Aigoo, this kid is too full of herself.” One of Jessica’s observations about her new roommate is that the girl, despite being younger, is very easygoing. It wasn’t long before Jessica grew comfortable with her around. “You were literally begging for help earlier.”

“I’m confident because you taught me well. Here’s my thank you.” SinB said, handing her a tub of vanilla ice cream.

The two were busy devouring their sweet treats while watching a gag show on their TV. They both sat: Jessica on her bed and SinB on the floor. They laughed at the casts’ antics until the show ended, and without warning (it wasn’t needed much anyway), SinB started a conversation.

“Unnie, I see your eyes are bloodshot. Why have you been crying? You’re smart so it’s not about exams or academics. Love problem?”

The young girl’s straightforwardness surprised Jessica. “Why would you ask that?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I knew it was impolite to ask.” Her tone must have surprised SinB too for she seemed to regret what she asked. “Forget everything I said. Ah, this ice cream is so delicious.”

 “Nah, it’s fine,” Jessica laughed. “Her name’s Tiffany.”

“Ah, girlfriend problem,” SinB nodded in understanding.

“Ex-girlfriend.”

Jessica didn’t like it but knew she had to correct her. SinB looked at her apologetically.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jessica was even thankful to have someone that isn’t Hyoyeon to talk to about her problem. She thought she might need a new perspective.

“What happened, though? Did you break up with her, or…?”

“She did. She was always the one who does. She breaks up with me but then we get back together. It happens a lot. It’s a cycle. You can say we’re the annoying kind of couple. We go on and off,” Jessica replied, feeling more and more eased as the words came out of .

“But you’re kind of stuck in off, aren’t you? Otherwise, you won’t be broken like that.”

Jessica gazed at her roommate. How can she put straightforward words so well together? Jessica thought, getting drawn to the conversation. “You’re smart, too.”

The clever girl must be used to such amused compliments, because she just shrugged it off. “Well, there’s got to be a reason. She must always have a reason,” she said.

“Are you saying I’m always giving her reasons to break up with me?”

“I didn’t say that, silly.”

“Hey, now that’s not polite,” Jessica pouted.

She noticed how easily SinB was able to actuate her helpless side. She was about to scold her, seeing how she rejoiced at the moment, until the young girl’s face along with the atmosphere turned serious again.

“There are always one or more justifications for everything. It’s frustrating when you think you’re being fair and then you’ll realize there’s a point in the situation that you overlooked. So let’s not focus on one side of the story. That’s what I do. When people say it’s not you and it’s them, they mean it.”

“That’s what’s frustrating. They won’t exactly say why but would expect you to know exactly why.”

Jessica was met with an intent gaze.

“Maybe it’s only you who expects to know why. Some people would do better when it’s left unsaid and I believe they have reasons for that.”

***

The moment she was sure that Hyoyeon won’t be in her dorm until late in the evening, Jessica rushed her way to the building. Her lone agenda for the day is to talk to Tiffany and she doesn’t know what to do if she fails.

After the talk with SinB, Jessica made up her mind. She needs to clear things up with Tiffany and be enlightened of the situation. Their relationship’s cycle is a line and what they’ve become now is somewhere parallel to it. That’s not what Jessica wants it to be.

Bolting the door open, Jessica was relieved to see Tiffany inside the room. The moment was now or never and the latter seemed aware of it, like she’s long been ready and just waiting for it.

 “Tiffany, I need you to tell me everything. Make me understand, and maybe then I can finally leave you alone, if that’s what you want.”

Jessica wasted no time. She wants it resolved as soon as possible. Her eyes are hurting for not being able to look at Tiffany the way she thought the woman deserves to be looked at.

Tiffany, all composed despite Jessica’s confrontation being sudden, met the latter straight in the eyes.

“I care about you. That’s why I’m doing this,” she replied.

For a moment, Jessica felt like they were back in the old times with Tiffany’s loving gaze, but it only lasted for a second she thought she might only have imagined it.

And then Tiffany went on. “You have your life figured out and no matter what your plans are I’m sure you will achieve them because you can.”

Jessica thought she was ready to hear whatever Tiffany has to say.

 “I need others to assure me I have a life after my studies. That’s what kept me going, if you didn’t know. I’m not you, Jessica. Even I do not believe in myself. I keep on denying it but I have to accept that I can’t lead a life that will be as good as yours.”

She wished she could turn back, but Tiffany kept going.

“I’m way out of your league, Jessica.”

At the mention of the name, Tiffany’s tears fell free from her hold. Almost instantly, her sobs were uncontrollable as well and it kept her from breathing normally.

The sight made Jessica hold her. For the first time, she felt how fragile Tiffany was. But like dry sand, the woman soon enough slipped past her fingers, free from her embrace.

“You’re not.”

“I am, Jess. It makes me crazy thinking how much I want to hold onto what we have and keep you forever, but then the thought of depending on you for everything pops that wishful bubble of thinking and I get stuck in between. Actually, no, it’s always the latter but I kept making myself think I’m in the middle.

It makes me mad how I’m too deeply in love with you, that the thought of losing you makes me lose my mind as well. It’s a thought that dwells inside my head all the time, Jessica. It’s become a part of me. It’s as constant as my heartbeat.”

It’s like Tiffany was an archer and Jessica was the target. Every word was a bull’s eye, stinging Jessica in all parts of her body and not sparing a single space.

“But you don’t really need to know all of those.”

It’s not true that she can’t depend on Jessica. It wasn’t Jessica’s fault that she’s good enough to have a future ahead of her. It’s impossible that Tiffany can’t be as good as her. How can Tiffany think that way?

 “Tiffany, don’t be too hard on yourself,” Jessica comforted her.

As if her words were foreseen by Tiffany, the woman nodded with a sad smile plastered on her face. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

Jessica never felt so useless. But she ought to reassure her. She knows what she can and cannot do. It would be unfair to give everything up this time.

“I may not understand, but I’ll be here. I promise. You won’t have to think about losing me.”

I promise, Tiffany. The way you are right now can be the way you’ll be in the future and it is good enough for me. Don’t think of yourself as flawed because you are perfect to me. Jessica prayed her eyes would tell Tiffany those words.

The silence seemed to stretch out for a thousand heartbeats, until it was broken by a single utterance.

“Nobody can help me but myself, Jessica.”