Word count: 2,117

You wanted nothing more than to maul the publicity agents.

“It’s just a publicity stunt,” they’d told you. “You’re an actor—you have great control over your emotions,” they’d told you. “You guys will ‘break up’ after six months, but surely you’ll still be friends,” they’d told you.

They could go themselves.

You stared blankly at the mug of coffee in your hands as you sat alone at a café, sasaengs visible in your peripheral vision as they crowded outside the glass window to your left. Their muffled shouts barely reached your ears and you vaguely wondered if the owner of the café was going to kick you out soon for causing such a disturbance.

But you knew she wouldn’t, because you were a regular.

Well, you and Jungkook were regulars.

Your coffee was lukewarm when you brought the cup to your lips, and you sighed as you placed it back down. You weren’t even really one for coffee, always having preferred tea or hot chocolate, but now that the “arrangement” with Jungkook was over, those two drinks never failed to leave a sickening taste in your mouth.

You didn’t look up even as one of the baristas slid into the chair across from you. You knew him well. He always served you and Jungkook with a smile and gave you two compliments about how great you were together. At first you’d accept them with a genuine smile and shy laugh, but as the end of the sixth month approached, you couldn’t find the energy to offer him smiles that reached your eyes. And now whenever you saw him, you felt like either crying or shattering something. Or doing both.

“We’re closing soon,” he said softly. “If you’re going to stay awhile, I can stay behind, but I just wanted to let you know.”

You forced yourself to take another sip to avoid looking up at him. “I don’t want to be a burden. I’ll leave.”

He sighed. “You’ll never be a burden, [Name].” You could practically hear his frown in his voice.

You let out a dry laugh and willed yourself not to start tearing up. “Yeah, sure.”

“Jungkook has no idea what he’s lost,” he said confidently.

You your head shot up at that, your expression cold. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

You tossed the script onto the desk and sighed loudly, placing your head into your hands. You couldn’t focus or memorize your lines to save your life, and this role you just casted as the female lead in a new drama was crucial to your acting career and BigHit’s reputation for producing successful actor-idols.

You could see the words on the paper, but you were so incredibly unfocused that none of the dialogue or stage directions were registering in your head. You couldn’t even remember the last time you had a block like this, and it was killing you.

It was all Jungkook’s fault.

You hadn’t seen him since the day you two “broke up”, and you wondered how he was doing. He was probably excelling at his job as usual, unaffected by the riff in his popularity that had been the end of your “relationship”. You were apparently receiving a lot of hate, so your manager made you stay off of social media for now, but you knew for a fact that Jungkook’s name wasn’t exactly spotless in the netizens’ eyes, either.

You thought you would head to the practice room to let off some steam. Nothing helped you clear your mind like dancing and lyric writing, and right now you didn’t think that you could handle writing when you couldn’t even read.

You could see the light was on in the practice room, but you paid it no mind and walked in anyway. A strong beat hit you and forced you to take a proper look at your surroundings, and what you saw made your blood run cold.

Jungkook immediately stopped dancing when he noticed you, his body straightening as his chest heaved and sweat poured off his body. The sound of the track was suddenly muted as you two just stared at each other in the mirror, unable to focus on anything else.

You were rooted to the ground, the weight of everything that you’d been feeling for the past week crashing upon your shoulders and causing your eyes to well up with tears. You repeated a mantra of don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t ing cry in your mind, but the harsh pounding of your heart made it difficult for you to even hear your own thoughts, and it only took a few more seconds for the first tear to fall.

“[Name]—”

The spell broke then, and the music was filling the room again, Jungkook was turning to properly face you, and your hands were scrambling for the doorknob. All you were focused on doing was getting the  out, and you quickly slammed the door behind you and fled, wiping the tears and chiding yourself as they streamed down your face.

You were so ing stupid. Of course he would be in there. He was always in there. How could you not have known that?

But the more you thought about it, the more you realized that, maybe, you really did know that, and the fact just solidified your decision to go there.

Even though things with Jungkook were now incredibly sour, you were glad you got to befriend s, and you still kept in contact with them, especially Jimin. You’d just clicked with him immediately, and he treated you like his little sister. He knew about your feelings on the Jungkook situation and stayed with you every step of the way, visiting you at your apartment on the night of the “break up” and comforting you with ice cream and Disney movies.

.

.

.

“!” you cried, carelessly tossing your phone to the side and plopping onto the couch, rubbing your face tiredly. Maybe it was a mistake to text Jimin.

You pathetically sniffled and hiccuped as you waited on the couch for him to arrive. You didn’t know whether or not you really wanted him to stay away, but you knew for a fact that Jungkook absolutely could not know just how affected you were by this. It was bad enough already that you ran for the hills earlier instead of holding a professional relationship with him like you were told to, but if Jimin started a fight with him…

You didn’t know how long you sat on the couch, but it felt like an eternity before you heard a knock at your door. You just stared at the wood for a few moments as you let out the last of your sniffles, and when you were ready, you weakly got to your feet.

You hesitantly opened the door, your breath shaky and vision cloudy. “Jimin, I told you not to—”

Jungkook stood on your doorstep, his hands shoved deep into his pockets and his eyes downcast. His hair was matted with sweat and his large shirt hung off his shoulder, exposing his collarbone, and his skin glistened in the moonlight.

You froze completely, unable to close the door, turn away, shout—anything that would express that you didn’t want him there. Then he brought his head up and his eyes properly met yours for the first time in a week, and your chest tightened and your eyes burned.

“I–” he tried, his voice cracking. “I’m not Jimin.”

You laughed dryly, not even attempting to wipe away the tears as they escaped your eyes. “Tell me more, o wise one. Don’t tell me he sent you here.“ 

Jungkook gave you a curt nod at that, and you huffed.

That little .

He sighed, bringing his right hand up to muss up his hair. "…can I come in?”

No, you thought. You can’t. But you found yourself nodding and opening the door wider against your better judgment. Jungkook inhaled deeply before slipping off his shoes and following you inside, and you softly closed the door behind him.

Thick silence hung in the air as you stood by the door and he stayed a few feet away, shuffling his feet in discomfort. You were the first to speak.

“Why are you here?” Your voice was so much weaker than you would’ve liked it to be, and you brought your arms around yourself in an attempt to get yourself to stop quivering.

“Why are you avoiding me?” he retorted, his voice just as wobbly as yours.

“There’s no need for us to be around each other now that the publicity stunt is over, is there?”

Now it was his turn to scoff. “Right. The publicity stunt.”

“What are you trying to say?” you snapped.

His top lip curled in a sneer. “I’m trying to say that I should’ve expected this from you. You got casted into the company as an actress, anyway. You lie for a living, and I should’ve known.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Jungkook—”

“I was just a way for you to gain popularity before your big debut, right?” His voice broke on the last word, and you laughed humorlessly. He was not allowed to be the crushed one. He was not allowed to come here and make you into the villain. “I was absolutely nothing, right? Just your golden ticket to fame, right?”

“Shut the  up!” you yelled, taking a few steps forward to weakly shove at his chest. “You don’t get to come here and act like you’re hurt about this! You act like you’re so ing torn about this, but you were the one who kept reminding me about your lack of genuine feelings for me! You can’t do that and then come here and act like I was the one who lied!”

“I don’t deserve this,” he muttered harshly, stepping away. “I never deserved any of this.”

“You’re not making any sense, .”

He didn’t look at you as he sat himself on your couch, his bottom lip quivering pathetically as a few tears made their way down his cheeks. “Do you know how ty I’ve been since we split? I can’t sleep, [Name]. I can’t sing on key. I can’t feel the music when I dance. I can’t stop thinking about you and those six ing months we spent together, and how scared I was the entire time.”

“Join the ing club,” you deadpanned.

“You never said it back, you know,” he muttered, staring at his hands in his lap. “Every single time I would tell you I loved you—”

“It wasn’t like you meant it.”

He threw his head back as he laughed, his eyes glossy when he rested them on you. You felt like your body was on fire; everything burned. Maybe your paper heart would catch fire and turn to ash, and you’d stop feeling all this pain.

“Tell me, [Name], did you mean any of it?”

You took your bottom lip between your teeth like you always did when you were nervous. “I don’t see how—”

“Tell me you didn’t,” he said, and a wave of sadness washed over you at the pain lacing his words. “Tell me you didn’t, and I’ll leave, and you’ll never have to see me out of business situations ever again.”

You were unable to control yourself as you crumpled to the floor, sobs wracking your body and pitiful whimpers escaping your lips. And suddenly Jungkook was kneeling before you, his strong arms wrapping around your small frame. You just let him hold you as you felt everything inside you shatter, because you knew you couldn’t lie to him like that. You could easily transform into any character and deliver any lines a director threw at you with incredible conviction, but it was impossible for you to utter those words.

He softly cupped your face as you trembled, your teary gaze meeting his glossy one. “Can you lie to me one last time, [Name]?” he whispered, resting his forehead against yours. “Can you lie and tell me that you love me?”

You let out a soft cry and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to remember how to breathe.

“Please,” he whimpered. “I just want to hear you say it once. You can do it. Your job is to lie.”

You tilted your head up slightly and tasted saltwater. “…I love you,” you breathed into his lips.

And it wasn’t a lie, but it was best that he didn’t know that.

But you’re neither friend nor foe

though I can’t seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.