Silence. Deafening silence as Chaerin looked at him. He looked so serene, laying on his bed. She grabbed his hand and intertwined it with hers. She couldn’t help but smile. His hand were so large, in contrast to her small ones. Chaerin choked as she felt tears streaming down her cheeks. His hand felt so cold, like the cold city guy he projects. She wished he was never cold. Though it was definitely one of his charms that made her fall for him. He’s a tsundere by nature.

 

It’s as if all the moments they spent together were flashing before her eyes.

 

Kris looking at her from head to toe and mumbling ‘that’s not my style’

 

Kris stuttering at her, making her giggle. How could someone, who tried to be cool, be so cute?

 

Kris accompanying her in driving around Seoul at midnight.

 

Kris asking her out and his reaction when she said yes.

 

His shaved hair. His used-to-be thick blonde hair before, competing with Chaerin’s own mane. His eyebrows. Those perfect eyebrows that would always furrowed and make his fangirls go crazy. His pointy nose. It always added to his stubbornness when he turned the other way. His lips. Those warm lips that would always make her space out. His well-defined chin. It kinda resemblance Jessica’s chin which would often make Chaerin roll her eyes, cause people would often said that Kris and Jessica complemented each other. Her tears were unstoppable right now.

 

Chaerin felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked beside her and saw Jessica. Jung Sooyeon. Her eyes were puffy, evidence that she, too, has been crying. She sadly smiled at Chaerin.

 

“They have to take him,” Jessica said and Chaerin felt her head shook no. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to let go. Unconsciously, her hand holding his, tighten. She looked back at him and her vision were so blurry already.

 

“Can. . . Can he stay here? Just a few more moments. Please,” Chaerin said, her voice cracking but she didn’t care. He . . . She loves him. She wanted to spend her lifetime with him. There’s so much more that they should had experience together. They still have to get married. Have kids. Grow old together.

 

“Chaerin-ah,” Jessica mumbled and grabbed Chaerin towards her. Her arms surrounds Chaerin and she couldn’t help but hug Jessica back, her right arm wrapped around Jessica’s waist while her left hand was still intertwine with Kris’s hand. “Let him go. Kris is gone. He should rest in peace,” Jessica said.

 

Kris is gone.

 

It still felt foreign, hearing those words. The same exact words the doctors said. Her hands fisted and she didn’t know what to do anymore. He was gone. She would never see him cry as she walks down the aisle. She’s so sure that Kris would cry. He was always like that. Masking his emotions but she’s 100% sure that EXO’s cold dduijjang would cry. She would never saw his face, the moment she wake up in the morning, his hair tousled. They would never have children, watch them grow. They would never grow old together. These thoughts were ripping her heart apart.

 

Everything was a blur already. She was taken outside the morgue. She was sitting outside the room, until she felt someone holding her hand. She looked up and saw her members. Park Bom was already crying, as usual. Minzy was teary-eyed while Dara sadly smiled at her. Chaerin felt arms enveloping her into a hug but it all felt blurred, like she was lifeless.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

More than a month. 40 days to be exact. More or less 960 hours ever since Kris died. She sadly smiled as she sat on the right side of her bed. How people forgot him so easily, Chaerin couldn’t understand. Here she was, struggling to stop remembering him and their memories while the people around her continue with their respective lives. Were they really true fans? How could they forget him? How could s acted like they didn’t even lose him all over again, this time for real? He spend almost half his life with EXO. From their training years up to those fame-worthy moments. Maybe they were just great actors like her, masking their melancholy with indifference.

 

Chaerin exhaled deeply and grabbed a box underneath her bed. A box full of memories. She opened it and grabbed a photo album from it. Scratch that, it wasn’t just any photo