k.t.h.

 120 days left

 

✧✧✧

 

 

Life's a rollercoaster. That's what most people say. I've heard it for more than a hundred times. It's true though, since we all have that moment in life that we just want to run away somewhere far and disappear, having this urge to just lie down and give up. This is indeed one cruel fact: each one of us will have a nightmare that will truly matter and change our lives.

 

 

 

I had my own nightmare on midnight, almost a year ago. It's obnoxious, I believe no words would fit to describe how it instantly wrecked my life. Ironically to what I had hoped, I can still remember every tiny bits of it as if it just happened yesterday. That night hunts me everyday, that I began to question whether there's a way out of this dark labyrinth of guilt, fear and suffering that my nightmare had brought.

 

 

And now I finally have a conclusion. Turns out, my life honestly hates me. I thought that after the incident, there's only moving on, but then, not so long after the first nightmare, the second one happened on that noon of 29th of April.

 

 

 

✧

 

 

 

The constant beeping of my phone woke me up. The clock beside me says it's 7:48 a.m., which is actually kind of late, but not on a Thursday morning because Thursday means no classes for me. The room is spinning, everything around me is spinning, so I close my eyes a couple of times and then reach out for my phone on the nightstand.

 

 

 

The brightness blinded me for a while, but I could somehow discern Jimin's name flashing on the screen, notifying me that I now have 8 messages all from him. 

 

 

 

Received 7:36 a.m.

 

Igotyesjams: Hey Taetae ヽ(﹡⌒ｖ⌒﹡)ノ

Igotyesjams: Hey er wake up (=╹x╹=)

Igotyesjams: You didn't forget to set your alarm did you? (⁎˃ᆺ˂)

Igotyesjams: I'm really worried it's almost 8 but you're still not replying (；'Д')

Igotyesjams: I bought ice cream!! ♡

Igotyesjams: it's ice cream, tae! I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM :--)

Igotyesjams: ohgod you're still not replying over the holy power of ice cream (:.;ﾟ;Д;ﾟ;.:)

 

 

Received 7:46 a.m.

Igotyesjams: tAE ARE YOU STILL ALIVE

 

 

A guttural groan draws out from the back of my throat as my fingers work to briefly type a reply.

 

 

Delivered 7:50 a.m.

 

 

 

Icouldbeyourdad: jwu

 

 

 

I shift over the edge of my bed, and then there, my head is beating. It feels like an insane drummer went loose and is wrecking my brain. I try to recall why I feel so ill, but all my mind could muster is Hoseok hyung's voice crying out, "THIS IS SO FUUUN!"

 

 

I don't remember anything as much as how I got back here. Surely we were at the bar again, and I was drinking and Hoseok hyung must've had the night of his life. And that being drunk demonstrates some kind of wizardy. Like how the last thing you remember is that you're making out with a cute guy then the next moment, you're lying in your bed. Still amazes me.

 

 

I open the drawer in hopes of finding a capsule of painkiller, for it seemed like I had an unlimited stock. But there's only notebooks and pens. Which isn't helping because the headache is being a serious and it needs to be dealt with. So I stand up, gripping at the edge of the table for my dear life as my vision formed tiny black spots. Just then, my phone beep again.

 

 

Received; 7:52 a.m.

 

Igotyesjams: oh you're alive hallelujah!!! ＼('ε｀ )／

 

 

Icouldbeyourdad: u dicklicker 

Icouldbeyoudad: who the gave u permission to change my un

 

Igotyesjams: you know I love you (￣∀￣*)

 

Icouldbeyourdad: im changing it

 

 

Icouldbeyourdad changed his name to kissmyaxe.

 

kissmyaxe: there

kissmyaxe: thats 4 u

 

Igotyesjams: why did you change it :'(

Igotyesjams: tae you're dirty!!!!!

Igotyesjams: remind me why you're my bestfriend again ( >д<)

 

kissmyaxe: xcuses that's my line 

kissmyaxe: anywy wat do u want

 

Igotyesjams: oh yeah.. yoongi 

Igotyesjams: ****--- yOongi HYUNG  said that you should be at itaewon-dong @12 sharp!! (⊙o⊙) 

Igotyesjams: i just ACCIDENTALLY PRESSED THE SEND BUTTON OKAY!!!!!

 

kissmyaxe: y

kissmyaxe: ur is whipped

 

Igotyesjams: I dunno. He said your mom will be there too~~

Igotyesjams: oH SHUT UP!!!! :<

 

kissmyaxe: no i mean y would he need to tell u and not just tell me himself

 

 

Igotyesjams: i know right!!! (>﹏<) 

Igotyesjams: maybe bc hetrusts me? :""> 

Igotyesjams: tae my heart is beating fast!! <3

 

 

kissmyaxe: gross

kissmyaxe: ur not even sure if hyung swings that way 

 

 

Igotyesjams: somehow, I have this feeling like he does (〃ω〃)

kissmyaxe: fine whtvr

 

Igotyesjams: :'(

Igotyesjams: oh tae!! i won't be back till midnight so don't forget to the door when you leave, ok? ♡^_^♡ 

kissmyaxe: ?

 

Igotyesjams: *lock!!! I meanlock!!! >_<

 

kissmyaxe: u sure don't want me to it?

 

Igotyesjams: TAE!!!!1!!!! ಠ▃ಠ

 

 

Igotyesjams: ......but i mean if u insist

 

 

Igotyesjams: (͡• ͜ʖ ͡•)

 

 

Clearly, Jimin is a person who has severe issues with emoticons. But I put my phone down when my eye stared to throb as well. Something's positively wrong with me today. I feel like my whole body is pulsating. But it's hot and my forehead started to cry, so let's settle this with a shower.

 

 

 

✧

 

 

Apparently, all I could manage was a very quick four minute shower, with my head playing like a hardcore rock band drummer. I plop on my bed, lying down on my back in a plain white shirt and black jeans, just staring at the white ceiling and fading blue walls. My eyes slowly trailed downwards and caught the signed Bigbang poster that was placed near the headboard of Jimin's bed. I could still remember how Jimin jumped up and down in great enthusiasm and pulled me in a rather tight hug that my lungs failed to function for a second when I gave it to him last summer. 

 

 

I've been staying at this dorm with Jimin for 2 years now, and nothing seemed to change at all. Although the only thing that did change was that every corner was free from his memory now. Sure, the room is now heedless of every hint of him, but how will I take him out of my mind?

 

 

I sat up and ruffled my hair in frustration. I am Kim Taehyung. Kim Taehyung doesn't go sentimental, especially when he's in a hangover. So I snatch my Eastern High Red Warriors basketball jacket from the closet and dash out the door. I know it's not ideal be alone for now.

 

 

The warm breeze greeted me instantly when I step outside. I saunter to The Maze, (name courtesy to lame Eastern High students) which is situated at the middle of the dorm circle, just behind the high school building. A spacious mowed grass with numerous wooden tables and benches spread out on the field that apparently, according to those who named it, looks like a maze from top view. Really. Who would've thought.

 

 

I went to our usual spot -the one beside an oak tree- which oddly seemed to be always in reserve for us. It's one of the few privileges the popular ones have, I figured. A very special, under the shade table of your own.

 

 

My black kicks sank a little from the still muddy ground from the raining last night. I only got across the dorm gates but I could already recognize Hoseok and Namjoon hyung having snacks despite being only fifteen minutes past eight in the morning.

 

 

I approach to them without saying a word and sat on the table.

 

 

"Here comes the mighty man," Hoseok hyung says and put his arms on my shoulders. "Got up early eh, sunshine?"

 

 

"Shut up, my head hurts."

 

Namjoon hyung, who I just noticed, has his hair dyed in a light blonde hue, snicker. "Bro, you drunk like, five bottles last night. You were so ed up that we need to carry you back and hide you from Mr. Lee. Oh god, you have no idea how nervous I was."

 

 

"You don't need to be that scared of Mr. Lee," I say as I take a handful of potato chips. "He knows my dad. But you know that my dad doesn't care enough to waste energy and be mad if I ever go back wasted." 

 

 

Which is mostly true. Mr. Lee, our history professor for two years now who seems to be so fond of my father for who knows what reason, only brags to my dad about how good I am doing academically and at extra curricular activities, leaving the facts that my gang and I have been caught either drinking or smoking inside campus time after time. Little did Mr. Lee knows that covering them up isn't really necessary because as long as I am on top of my class, dad is honestly just fine with whatever I do. 

 

 

I remember what my dad always tell me. 'You can do whatever you want to do with your life just don't you dare drop your studies,'

 

 

So I am doing exactly what he says.

 

 

"He wasn't scared of him actually, he was scared of Jin hyung," Hoseok hyung laughs.

 

 

"Oh, you don't know how scary Jin is whenever he scolds me," Namjoon hyung argues. He then fishes something out from his pocket, "Here man, you might wanna get rid of your hangover," he tosses to me some capsules and a bottle of water. 

 

 

"Wow, are you having a Seokjined fever or something? You're acting like a mom." 

 

"Shut up will you? I just don't want him to see you like that and scold me again for letting you come with us."

 

 

I laugh. I take the meds right away and a big gulp of water before lying down on my back, facing the cottony fluff of white on the sky as it became more cloudy. 

 

 

"So, why are you guys cutting classes this early?"

 

 

"Dude. Precalc at seven a.m.? What a wicked inhuman torture," Hoseok reason out. 

 

 

"Yeah, I mean, who gives a about that, man? I can't wait for the day cosines be useful in ing." 

 

 

"Jin hyung will kill you once he sees you here, you know," I mutter while I play with Namjoon hyung's locks. "By the way, your hair looks good on you hyung." 

 

 

"Jin likes it this way, too."

 

 

"Why not try adding pink strikes on it? Jin hyung loves pink, right?" He then starts to play with his own hair, maybe debating to himself whether he should dye it again.

 

 

"Actually, that's a good idea," he retorts. "How about you, Tae? Aren't you already tired of your orange locks?"

 

 

"This suits me best."

 

 

"Uh huh. But he used to say that he didn't like-" Hoseok hyung stops in the middle of his sentence and washes his face over with his hands, sighing heavily, "Oh god, I'm so sorry Tae, I didn't mean to bring it up again." 

 

 

I chuckle as I leap up to pat his shoulder, "No it's fine, hyung. And no, I'm not changing it. I like this."

 

 

"W-well, yeah. It does kind of suits you."

 

 

"I'll be at the library, I still need to finish my paper on lit," I say as I bend over to grab another handful of chips, "and oh, if you catch Yoongi hyung tell him to call me."

 

 

Then I turn around without waiting for a response. I grit my teeth and my hands ball up to fists while I trot across The Maze and through the High school building then up to the library. It still never fails me, how my chest will burn whenever someone will talk about it. 

 

 

Just as I was about to turn left through the corridor, I catch a familiar mop of silky black haired male saunting wobbly with piles of books in hand. There are tons it covered half of his face.

 

 

I jog towards him and take hold of his shoulders quite firmly but not enough to hurt. It seems that he's having a great difficulty with balance. 

 

 

"Are you drunk or what?"

 

 

"Shut up. Exams are coming and I don't have time to tiny chat with you." his voice is saggy and broken.

 

 

"Wow. You should at least spare some time to sleep. You look horrible," I say when I notice the obvious dark circles under his eyes, also not missing how pale he is. "Have you eaten yet?"

 

 

"Thanks for saying something I've never heard before," he deadpans as he walk past me, "and yes, I ate a granola bar."

 

 

A granola bar?!

 

 

I whip back and grab his arm, about to insist how a granola bar isn't enough and healthy for breakfast and isn't gonna help him study for hours, and I know I should not care but just as I yank him back, all of a sudden he's falling, like the twin towers, and I am about to catch him but I stumble backwards.

 

 

His books scatter everywhere. My back hurts, my head hurts, my arm hurts, the drummer is back again, the force of his fall above me made it hard to breathe, and for a moment I thought that this is it, I'm really gonna die, and I'm waiting for the light, but then I feel something rub against my crotch, and my hormones made feel alive again.

 

 

I prop myself slightly, only to find Jeon Jeongguk on top of me, head resting on my chest with eyes closed shut. I poke his sides, "Hey. Get off me."

 

 

He shifts a little and mutters, "P-Pillow..." then nuzzles on my neck, searching for a more convenient position. 

 

 

Great, so now I'm a human comforter.

 

 

With my whole body aching, I slowly sit up and scoop him in my arms. I managed to stand with less effort and more groaning. Then I see someone walk out the library exit.

 

 

"Hey, you. Youngjae," I call. "Get your pretty here and help me."

 

 

He rolls his eyes but squints when he recognizes the male dozing off silently in my arms. A goofy smile appears on his face, "Wow, wow, wow. You've had a change of heart?" he bounces towards us. "Are you now breaking your rules?"

 

 

"You want me to break your face?" I nod my head towards the strewn books, "Pick them up."

 

 

He blows his bangs but complies nonetheless. When he finally collected all of them he asks, "Care to explain what happened here?"

 

 

"Well apparently, he sees me as a gorgeous breathing mattress." 

 

 

Youngjae snorts. "Where are you going to take him, then? Yugyeom has classes till five." Kim Yugyeom is Jeongguk's roommate, so most likely their room is locked. And I am under no obligation to search for the ing key.

 

 

"Do I have any other choice? To my room." 

 

 

We flounder back to The Maze and then to the Dorm Circle, and took the stairs to the third floor. Thankfully enough, Jeongguk isn't as heavy as I thought. But my shoulder and my legs feel like burning, so I immediately lay him down on my bed when we reach Room 36. 

 

 

Youngjae settles the books on my desk then asks for a bottle of vodka as a payment for his help. I saunter through the bookshelf, where I magnificently hide alcohol and cigarretes at the back of a set of encyclopedias, finding a better purpose for the books my dad gave me. He left after I gave him a bottle of whiskey. I ran out of vodka.

 

 

I walk back to sit on the edge of my bed, and I just stare at the male now sleeping peacefully beside me. He takes short breaths through his slightly parted lips. Then I just had this urge to feel how soft they are, and before I know it my thumb is already swiping his lower lip. He didn't budge.

 

 

I let out a sharp exhale through my nose. Now I'm certain that there's something really, really wrong with me. And at times like this, there's only one thing to do. So I amble back to the bookshelf and take the encyclopedia J-L. 

 

 

Dang it, I need to smoke.

 

 

✧

 

 

 

After finishing a stick of Marlboro Lights, I mince back to Room 36. Jeongguk is already up, scrutinizing the room, evidently oblivious to his surroundings.

 

 

"Ah, finally. You're awake." 

 

 

He turns and locks eyes with me, looking like a lost deer caught in the headlights, then the next thing I register is that three blue pillows are flying on my direction.

 

 

"What the ?!" I successfully dodge all of his attacks like a pro.

 

 

"You! You didn't touch me did you?!" he cries in a high pitch.

 

 

"What the hell are you saying?"

 

 

"Why am I in your room?! What the did you do to me?!" 

 

 

He keeps trashing around, blabbering curses and a score of profanities and now my head is throbbing again so I walk closer and grab his wrists and pin him down. I cage his legs with my own.

 

 

It worked on shutting him up. "You know, Jungkook-ssi," I see his Adam's Apple bob as he swallows, "if I had plans on you I would do a lot more than just touch you."

 

 

He tries to break free from my grip but I held him tighter. 

 

 

"And you see, if you ever got ed by the Kim Taehyung, you'll end up with sore that will make you go limp for a week because I am Kim. ing. Taehyung. 

 

 

"But that isn't the case, right? So no, if that's what you're thinking. I didn't you, Jungkook-ah." I smirk in victory as I pull back when I note the bewilderment paiting his features. Then I added,

 

 

"At least not yet."

 

 

He springs up and repeatedly smashes my back. "What did you say?!" he cracks.

 

 

His punches doesn't really hurt as much as my stomach hurts from laughing. "Nothing. Just didn't thought you're dirty minded Jungkook-ah." 

 

 

A loud shriek pierce through my eardrums then Jeongguk stands up quickly. "You brotherer-!" he takes a pillow in the ground to hit me but ceases halfway, "Wait, wait. What time is it?"

 

 

I raise my eyebrows but glances on my wristwatch. "Uh. 11:23. Why?"

 

 

Jeongguk immediately runs past me, but not without hitting me straight on the face. "Oh shoot! I need to go!" he stumbles to the front door as he haphazardly wears his sneakers.

 

 

"What's with the hurry?"

 

 

"I need to go at Itaewon-dong," Jeongguk answers breathlessly.

 

 

"Wait, where?"