November 22, 2016

Dear Zhang Yixing,
I know this isn't in Korean/Chinese but I want to go on and tell you something.

I actually don't know how to start this fan letter but might as well begin by saying hi.

You're doing very well, right? I know you are. In spite of your busy schedule, I believe you are getting as much sleep and rest as you can. You reassured us, your fans, that you will take good care of your health more and I hold on to it that's why I am not that worried anymore.

Speaking of busy schedule, congratulations on EXO's 15th Daesang. You guys worked hard to deserve it.

I can't say that I'm writing this just to congratulate you because for days now, I've been really wanting to write you one and this open fan letter is my nth attempt in writing you a letter since I became your fan.

Nth attempt because everytime I make a letter for you, I will always end mid part thinking that even if I do finish it, you won't be able to read it cause I know I won't be able to give that letter to you. Also, I always think that even if I am able to send it to you, there is no way that you will read it beacuse it is not written in Chinese or even Korean. I know it is absurd to think that way cause I know you read every fan letter you receive and I know that even if my letter is written in English, you will also read and understand it.

I don't know why I decided to write this letter. Maybe that is one of the reasons why --- the fact that I sometimes wish I am able to speak and write Chinese or Korean. If I am able to do so, maybe I would be able to do things I am not able to do now like registering a Weibo account and interacting with you. Maybe I wouldn't be that jealous of the fans who get to give you their letters.

Everytime I hear news of you receiving/reading fan letters again, I will always think of how it would feel if one of those letters is from me. I sometimes think about how it would feel if you're reading my letter.

Remember that one time you received fan letters? If I am not mistaken, it's 1007 letters in all. One thousand seven letters and none of them was from me. I missed the chance again to send you one. That's the reason why I finally decided to send you a message in your instagram. I know you rarely open your IG and may not have time to read your messages there but I told myself it doesn't matter if you get to read my message or not, I just really wanted to send that at that time. I wanted to congratulate you for the success of your first baby, Lose Control and for giving us, your fans, a gift again on your birthday which is What U Need? You really never forget to make us happy and I know that just like me, other Xingmis around the world are trully happy and proud that you have fulfilled your dream of becoming a producer and surely, this is just the start.

More than a month after I sent that message in your IG, I am again able to send you one. This time, I know you will finally get to read it, thanks to Zhang Yi Xing Philippines and other people/staff for making it possible. Even if it is just a simple/short message and you might not even remember that I am one of those fans who wrote you one, I am really happy right now. Looking forward to the day when I get to hear/read the news that you already received/read those fan letters. :)

Speaking of ZYXPH, they're giving away a Lose Control album as a thank you to their followers/your fans on their 100th day on Twitter. Of course, I tried my luck. Who doesn't want a free LC album? The mechanics is easy too, anyway. Or at least that's what I thought. We just need to this and that, tell a reason why we love you and have other people retweet it. I was confident at first. I even asked the help of some of my online friends and they gladly extended their support. I told myself that I have a great chance of winning but I may have put my expectations too high that I am now feeling disappointed. I forgot about the fact that other people might have more people to help them, people/accounts with thousand of followers who could retweet and make them win. So now, as I am writing this, I am thinking whether to work hard and continue fighting or just use my free time to spazz you and accept that I could no longer win it even if there are still remaining days before the announcement of winner.

Yes, maybe I should just give up my hope. I know my friends will be disappointed that I did not work that hard (or maybe not) but I am trully grateful for their help. Even if we rarely speak now, this is one of those moments that I am thankful for knowing (online) friends like them. Now, I should just work harder in my job so that I can save money enough to buy the physical album. I just don't know where or how to avail it though. Well, I'll figure it out later on.

Yixing, my word count is almost a thousand words already but I don't feel like ending this letter yet. You can consider this a longer (way longer) version of the message/letter I just sent you (through ZYXPH). Since this is my first open fan letter, I will take this chance to say/share more things to you.

Hmm... How about telling you of the other things I wish I am capable of?

(By the way, I just noticed it right cause the thumbnail says 3.9M but Lose Control MV hit 4M views already. I don't know whether it is while I am writing this or before but yeah, congrats!!!)

(Nov. 23, 2016, 1831H PST: As of this time, one of the participants in the giveway that I was talking about in the earlier part of this letter already has 400+ retweets for her entry. Yeah, I really should just give up. I'm still a bit sad but let me just finish this letter  to keep my mind off that giveaway. I'll get over the fact that I didn't it, promise. :) If you noticed, this is my second day of writing this letter. There are important things I needed to do too that's why I didn't get to finish this in one sitting. I hope I will finish it tonight.)

You know, I've never fangirled so hard before as much as I am fangirling over you right now up to the point that most of my idle/free/fangirling time is spent wishing I am capable of doing certain things.

I have mentioned the first already --- to be able to read/wrote Korean/Chinese/Mandarin in order for me to understand you easier/better. If I am able to do that, it would mean I am able to speak it too, right? I love music, and it frustrates me sometimes if I really like a particular song but don't know the lyrics. So if I am able to speak the said languages, I would be confident in singing the lyrics. It will be easier for me to sing/sing along with you (even if you are a screen away) just like the other EXO-Ls who joined you in singing the acoustic version of Monodrama in an EXO concert or like the other Xingmis who gets to join your fansigning events and loudly sings What U Need? or Lose Control while they play it in the venue.

Next, I wish I am as good in dancing as you (or any other person who's good at it). Honestly, dancing is one of the many things that I am not good at. In the past, my mother would always tell me that I like to dance so much when I was a kid. I bet not. I guess I was just forced to dance before for school activities because if I really liked dancing, I should have felt the passion but I did not. I never really did like it. I never thought of practicing in order to better myself in that area. The only reason I am wishing I was good at it is again you. I want to know how it would feel like to share a stage and dance with you just like the student who danced Overdose from way back and then you joined in (and asked the other members to join too) because she became shy. If I am good at dancing, I'll probably learn the steps to What U Need?, upload on Youtube a video of me dancing it and pray that you get watch and react on it just like when you reacted on reactors of your music videos. Haha

Lastly, I wish I can play the piano just like you. In all honesty, it's one of the things I really wanted to learn when I was still in high school but never learned. I tried learning it myself but I eventually stopped because I find it hard to learn it without the actual piano. Do you know why I wanted to learn it? Because I once dreamed of becoming a composer too. Music instills different emotions in me and above all that, it makes me happy. Whenever I listen to certain songs, I sometimes think about the composer (which I think most people don't do because they rarely care about the composer, only the singer) and silently thank him for making such a good song. One day, I told myself that I want to make other people happy too through my compositions even though they will care less or won't even care that it was my composition. I wanted to know what it would feel like to hear your composition being sang by a great siger, being played on music channels and radio stations, being listened to and sing along by different people. I wanted to compose a song that can make a great impact, one that people love and will always be played even if I am no longer existing in this world. But then again, I never tried composing too and this dream is actually one of my long forgotten dreams. Someone just made me remember that I actually had this kind of dream.

You. Yes, you.

When I started learning about EXO, I got more interested with EXO-M and I didn't know why. And when I get to know things about you, that you play the guitar/piano, sings and dances well, I knew then that you will become my ultimate bias. I knew then that I am stanning talent.

Aside from EXO songs, I started listening to your own songs, the one you've composed. I really liked them. I knew that you have a great chance in becoming successful in that area. Imagine how proud I am (and other Xingmis) of you when you received the best OST award for one of your songs. I know you are also proud and happy 'cause it's your hard work. That's why I also felt bad when I heard the news that you lost 100 song compositions you made. But you didn't let that incident get into you. You continued composing and believing that one day, you can again compose many songs even though you could have a full album by now if they were not lost.

When I read your book, it almost felt like I've known you for a very long time even though I've known about you for just years. I learned about the hardships you've been through, and that passion inside you that didn't die. I read how hard you've practiced playing piano on your own and I wished then that I was as hard working and persevering as you when it comes to learning the things I want to learn. I wished I found other ways to learn playing the piano. Maybe one of these, I'll start learning it again.

Other times I wished too, since I didn't get to learn how to play, that I will be able to give lyrics to one of your songs. I wished that there will be a chance for a fan like me to have my poem/lyrics be given a melody/music by one of my favorite/loved artist. Do you want me to give you a sample?

I have a bad habit of thinking about you.

Kidding. That's already a lyrics from one of your songs right? Miss You Much. :)

Then, how about this one:
You're like a gift to me
You're like a happy kind of journey
An inspiration to always be at my best
A sparkle of hope when I'm at my lowest
A ray of sunshine when it's gloomy
A love that embraces me when I feel empty

Aiyo. Does this lines suit to be a lyrics? I guess not really. Anyhow, I know you will be able to write more songs, Yixing. I know you will be able to make more people happy through your music. I know because it does makes me happy too. And did I mention already that you will become successful in this field (song writing/composing) too? I know you will. Lose Control has been breaking records and I can't wait for the day that it will get an award too. :)

For sure, you will be able to produce baby (as you call you album) #2, 3, 4, 5, and more for the coming years. Someday, you will be able to fulfill that dream of becoming like President LSM. You will be able to produce artists that will be as talented as you. And they will become as successful as you too. How about scouting Baby Brodie as early as now to be your first trainee? Haha

As I am nearly ending this letter, I want to tell you one last thing. In the early part of this letter, I've told you about the mechanics/rules of the giveaway, right? But I don't think I've mentioned my answer to the question why I/we love you. You know what I've answered? "I love Zhang Yixing because he makes me Lose Control by just seeing his dimple." I don't know why I answered that. Maybe because they were the first things that came to my mind that moment. After that, I tried tweeting as many reasons as I can as to why I love you and of all those reasons, I think one reason could sum them up. You're a role model. And being a good role model, you should have the positive traits that people who look up to you will follow, right? You have those traits. I know that if not all, majority of the Xingmis will also agree that you're one of their role models.

In connection to that, remember on one of your interviews, you've mentioned how a fan is like a mirror. A fan can show what his idol is like and the other way around. I believe that is true. Since you're a good role model, your fans are good too. The Xingmis I follow on my SNS accounts are so sweet and kind. Some of them upload video clips/fancams of your fanmeets/concerts/other events fast. Some of them even provide livestream for those who can't make it to the said event. Some share good pics/news of your whereabouts. Some of them are even generous enough to do giveaways for a 2-way reason, 1) Increase the views of Lose Control MV and 2) Give Lose Control album for free for those lucky Xingmis who can't afford to buy it. And you know what else I noticed about Xingmis? They're quiet. They don't involve themselves in fandom wars. They don't pick fights. Maybe I'm just seeing the minority but most of the Xingmis I follow in Twitter are like this. They're friendly. Some of them may fight back at times but it's because they're just defending you and it's not to the point that they fight cause I know they know that you won't like it. Maybe I'm just being bias because I am a Xingmis but yes, Xingmis are really nice. I am proud to say that I belong to this fandom and I love this fandom so much. Someday, I wish I could meet and be friends with Xingmis in person, too. :)

Yixing, I know this letter is too long already but I am happy that I am able to tell you most of the things I wanted to tell you as a fan. I still have a lot to say but maybe, some other time again. Right now, I am thinking twice again if I am really ready to publish this letter and let other people read it. Anyhow, I've already gotten to this point so might as well just do it. I hope I will find me a friend someday who will translate this into Chinese and give it you and that you will feel the sincerity I've put on this letter.

Take good care of your health well. Continue being a good role model and inspiration to Xingmis like me. And even though you don't know me and I am a sea away, I hope that you will always feel the love and support we will always have for you. I hope so too, that through our simple ways, we are making you happy just like how you always makes us happy.

Looking forward to more of your solo projects, projects with EXO and yes, your first full album too. Jiayo, Xingxing. Say hi to me to your members.

Babye.

XOXO,
A Xingmi, Xingbaobei, Xingbaby, X'back who will always support you <3