“I didn't know

You were this beautiful” *

“Hyung, how is it?” surprised by the question in high-pitched tone, Hyunsik looks away from the old fashion magazine he's been reading for almost half an hour. He isn't actually reading it; just nonchalantly turning the pages to cover up his anxiety. He's been feeling jittery since last night. He couldn’t sleep. At all.  He knows he shouldn’t have been feeling anxious and uneasy in such a happy day but he can't help it. He slightly smiles when realizing the other man asked him with the same tone he makes every time he feels delighted. Yet, it also makes him aware that today, he should have been feeling delighted too. Strangely, he doesn’t.

He throws his gaze to the distance, the weather is perfect. Rays of sunlight stream to the room through the windows and the smell of freshly mown grass wafts from the outside, completing the happy mood.

“Cute. The weather is also in joy.”

Without saying a word, Hyunsik carefully observes the tall man from his seat. To describe him with ‘great’ would be an understatement. For Hyunsik, he looks, astonishing – stunning, to say the least. The white tuxedo he is wearing perfectly wraps his tall figure. It hugs his thin waist oh so perfectly and his long legs look great in that finely ironed pants. He fixes the bowtie on his neck for the millionth time. It already looks so perfect, yet he can’t seem to keep his hand from touching it, adjusting it to the more precise position (which already was.) Basically, he just can’t stay still. He's endlessly fixing his black hair that's perfectly styled, making sure there's no unnecessary strand of hair that will ruin his perfect look. Earlier this day, he asked Hyunsik how should he get his hair done. But Hyunsik didn’t bother to give any advices. Whatever hairstyle Ilhoon has, it's just always perfect.

Remembering that pouty face when he was asking which hairstyle suited him best, Hyunsik smiles. Oh how just that little thing can cause him to smile.

Softly, out of the blue, he can feel a gentle wind touches his hair, carrying a nice smell of roses. Of course it is. The room is packed with bouquets of flowers and most of them are roses. At the corners of the room, on the table, some are hanging on the door, on another table,  beside the window, everywhere. Until an hour ago, various delivery men had been coming to the room, sending in the congratulatory bouquets.

After stacking the magazine back under the table next to him, Hyunsik reaches for one bundle of white roses on it. He scrunches his nose when the strong, fragrant smell suddenly attacks the inside of his nose. He never really likes roses or flowers. He just believe flowers are more beautiful they are let to grow on the ground. No matter how beautiful they are, it will fade and die easily as soon as it's being separated from its body. Hyunsik hates it. Ending its life just for making it as complementary things to temporary celebrations. Or merely as decorations to liven up dull houses. He enjoys watching flowers grow but he doesn’t want to posses such beauty that doesn’t belong to him.

Still disturbed by the fragrance, he picks the card that pops out amongst the white heads of the roses. A neat handwriting in blue ink comes to his vision,

“Congratulation on your wedding, Jung Ilhoon”

Hyunsik looks up. The said Jung Ilhoon is now looking at the mirror in front of him, humming a familiar melody. Way too familiar in Hyunsik's ear. It's Stevie Wonder's Isn't She Lovely. His favorite song. Their favorite song together.

“What a happy day for both of us.”

Hyunsik exhales, feeling his stomach jumbled up at the thought.

“Hyunsik hyung,” after his failed efforts to make Hyunsik look at him from the mirror, Ilhoon turns to face Hyunsik, only to be welcomed by Hyunsik's unreadable expression. Hyunsik can hear the younger one lets out a deep sigh.

“I’m not talking to my own reflection here, hyung,” Ilhoon chaffs as he glares at Hyunsik. Hyunsik finally gets a grip of himself. He looks up to see Ilhoon and smiles widely – a forced one – but Ilhoon doesn’t seem to notice.

“We’re alone in this room, so it’s obvious that I’m talking to you – that question was for you,” Hyunsik knows that he succeeded to stir the younger's emotions up as his face turns red when he said that. Hyunsik rises from his seat, approaching Ilhoon.

“Let me see…,” he pretends to wear a serious expression (since Ilhoon will hate it if he doesn’t), examining Ilhoon – which he's already been doing since this morning. Ilhoon looks anticipating, he sways, adjusting his body to the several positions so Hyunsik can look at him better.

“You look…”

Beautiful, otherworldly, divine, as usual, Jung Ilhoon.

“Ordinary??” He says rather dubious, trying so hard to suppress his grin so it doesn’t start showing on his lips. Ilhoon looks at him in disbelief. Furrowing eyebrows and squinting eyes, it's the usual face he shows when he's annoyed.

Ah here it is, my favorite face.

“Really?” Ilhoon's face changes at a surprisingly fast speed from annoyed to sad, his hand weakly touches his bowtie. Hyunsik doesn’t expect such reaction but he secretly enjoys it. Teasing Ilhoon is one of his favorite things to do. Basically, all things concerning Ilhoon are his favorite.

“Are you serious with that answer, Hyung?” weakly, Ilhoon asks.

I am. Today is just another day when you look ordinarily stunning.

Hyunsik finally lets his grin show. He grabs Ilhoon's hand, keeping it away from his bowtie. Ilhoon looks up, confused to see Hyunsik's playful grins. As the younger's face looks less tensed, Hyunsik says,

“Flawless.”

As always. As ever.

“You look flawless, Ilhoonie, don’t worry,” he smiles and by that words, Ilhoon blushes and his expression finally relaxes. He then gives Hyunsik a really warm smile. It almost feels so hard for Hyunsik to breath, seeing the smile on that rosy face so close to him. The smile he sees every day, yet, his heart still pounds hard every time he sees it. Just like the very first time he realized his feeling. The smile that secretly always gives him strength. His favorite smile.

As if his smile wasn’t enough for Hyunsik, Ilhoon then hugs him. Hyunsik can feel his heart jumps from his chest. All of his nervousness is washed away, replaced by that indescribable, sorrowful feeling. He wants to return the hug, but his hands freeze as his eyes land on one of the flower wreaths hanging on the door. There are words written under the wreath.  The only sentence that brings him back to the reality.

“Happy Wedding, Ilhoon & Minhyuk,”

Ilhoon still hugs him. His embrace feels so warm and sad. It feels so disastrous for Hyunsik.

“Thanks, Hyung, you know I really need mental support right now,” Ilhoon says as he lets go of the hug. And Hyunsik suddenly feels the biggest loss in his life.

Don't let go, please just hug me tight within this remaining time I have with you.

“Honestly, I do feel like everything is not right, I mean why should I wear this white tux, black is always better than white but Minhyuk hyung insisted to wear white? I mean didn't he know in some cultures white represents death?” shocked by  his own words, Ilhoon closes his mouth with his hands. Face full with horror.

“Goodness, why I talked such a nonsense in this day!” he clasps his hands together and begins praying.

“You are being ridiculous, Ilhoon-ah,” Hyunsik says as he touches Ilhoon’s left  shoulder, giving it a light massage. The younger is still praying, mouth busy chanting words that don’t even sound like a prayer.

“Are you really praying? It sounds more like you’re reciting a satanic cult’s hymn,” Hyunsik says and still with horror all over his face, Ilhoon glares at him. Hyunsik can't help but laugh.

“Listen, everything will be all right,”

Hyunsik can’t believe he said that. It feels like he tries to assure himself, that everything will be okay. That he, will be okay. That he, even though he's full of regrets, will be okay.

Yes, he is regretting everything. He is a coward. He loves Ilhoon. He swears to God, if there’s anything in this world he loves more than himself, it’s Ilhoon. Even more than anything in this world.

But, he was always terrified of that thing called relationship. He was afraid to build something based on that thing called commitment. He was not brave enough to settle down their relationship. They never really became lovers. He thought it was just a crush. He always thinks that he's okay just being close to Ilhoon as best friend, as an admirable older brother. He knows there’s no other person Ilhoon respects more than him. Even when Minhyuk came, he never thought Ilhoon would ever leave his side.

But he was wrong. Totally wrong. And today, he realizes that all this time, Ilhoon has become his everything. He always thought that it was Ilhoon that needed him, but god, was he so wrong. Ilhoon is a sun and he is just an earth orbiting it. He wants, he needs, Ilhoon to be by his side, to be the center of his life. Not only momentarily, but, dare he says, forever.

Suddenly, there is a sound coming from the door. They both turn their heads to the direction of the sound. Hyunsik can see Minhyuk peeping through the small crack of the door and the radiating happiness coming from his face. As soon as he sees Ilhoon, his eyes soften. He mouths a silent “you look great” and “see you there,” to Ilhoon.  He's also making a love sign with his fingers, completing it with silent “I love you” and a wink at the end. Closing the door, the joyous groom disappears to his room again. Hyunsik cringes. The whole show from Minhyuk was a total cringe fest, but, God, when he turns to see Ilhoon, he is smiling so beautifully. His face is b with happiness. His eyes sparkles gleefully and both cheeks are red from the cheesiness they both just have witnessed.

“Really? You like that?” Hyunsik teases him, trying so hard to sound normal.

“Oh, shut up, hyung,” and then they laugh together. Hyunsik feels his cheeks hurt, not because of the laughter, but because he's trying so hard to fake it. And he realizes that not only his cheeks hurt, the inside of his chest also feels like burning; just like a fire after being touched by a gust of wind. It's getting bigger and won't stop growing, eating up everything near it.

Are you that happy, Jung Ilhoon? Because as cruel as this might sound, I'm not. I'm not happy.

“Let’s go, Mr. Jung,” Hyunsik checks his watch. It's time. The ceremony will begin soon.

“Hyung…,” Ilhoon says softly as he links his right arm with Hyunsik's left arm and holds it tight.

“Hm?” Hyunsik hums.

“Thank you,” Ilhoon takes a deep breath before continuing his words.

 “For everything,”

Hyunsik freezes. He doesn’t expect Ilhoon to thank him out of the blue.

“Honestly, I would never have gone so far in life if I didn't meet you,”

His heart feels so heavy as Ilhoon stops talking to look at him in the eyes. Hyunsik stands there, motionless.

“Hyung, for always having the same dreams as me, I really thank you. You always support me and give me strength to believe in myself…”

But you are my strength, Ilhoon-ah.

“You always take care of me, I will be forever indebted to you,”

“And I..”

Hyunsik softly caresses Ilhoon's hand on his arm, signaling him to stop.

“Stop it. This is what you deserve. Don’t talk like you don't even deserve it. If someone has to be happy, it's you,”

Hyunsik his thumb on the back of Ilhoon’s hand, trying his best to hold the tears threatening to fall from his stinging eyes. It is so hard to keep his calm composure when he's actually wrecking and collapsing inside.  

“Still, thank you, hyung.”

Ilhoon’s tears-veiled eyes look deep into Hyunsik’s. Hyunsik only finds sincerity there. When doesn’t he? For many years of knowing Ilhoon, he learns one thing, Ilhoon never lies. And it still happens until this moment. The very moment before this person really dear to him will become someone else's.

Then, again, Ilhoon smiles. Just like being hit by the first light in the morning, Hyunsik feels the warmness rush to his face, to his heart and all over his body. It feels like watching the sunlight with your eyes. It’s warm, but it hurts.

His chest hurts. It hurts so much that his knees feel so weak. He wants to break down and cry. There's a lump in his throat that is formed by those words he couldn’t tell Ilhoon.

 “Ilhoon-ah, I..”

I love you. I love you, I really do.

“Yes hyung?” Ilhoon still holds onto Hyunsik’s arm, so close to his heartbeat, yet so far.

Don't go. Don't go to him, please be mine.

Hyunsik shakes his head. Again, faking a smile.

“Let's go,” he taps Ilhoon's hand and Ilhoon nods. As they pull the door open, a loud cheering from people welcomes them. Hyunsik can’t hear them and he couldn’t care less. It is all just like a slow motion part in a movie. Everything looks distorted but Ilhoon. His eyes only focus on Ilhoon. His laugh, his shy face, his light and joyful steps, his hand on Hyunsik's arm, the happy tears on the corner of his eyes, and his smiles.

And the only thing Hyunsik wants to do right now is kiss him. Kissing him in front of everyone to let them know how much he loves him. Kissing him until they both are out of breath and their lungs scream for air. He wants to say “I love you” in between those kisses. Being drunk and staying in the hangover that is Ilhoon’s kiss. He could give up everything in his life only to have that one chance.

But time, oh time, is just a cruel concept of absurdity that he's unable to control.

Whatever happens today, he will still love Ilhoon the same. He doesn’t know when it starts, he doesn’t know how stop it, he doesn’t know if it has an end. And when the last piece of the wedding confetti lands on the cold floor today, that one truth will never change.

“I know you better than anyone else in the world,

Your pure secrets, your dreams

Don’t look at me,

As I cry gazing at you” *

(*Your Wedding – Yoon Jongshin)

don't have much to say but this fic is nothing but failure; failed angst and somehow failed humour at some parts.
this is an old fic that has been long forgotten in my collection of finished-but-should-i-post-this fics. well, it's here so, enjoy. as always, please pardon my english, it .