final
I'm Better Be GoneHansol’s POV
I am hopeless.
I don’t have a future.
Death knocks at my door every day.
I am tempted to open it but somebody is stopping me and that is this guy.
The guy who is exactly the complete opposite of me.
The guys who exudes positivity.
Someone who have a future.
Someone who had reached his dreams already.
This Japanese wide smiled guy named Nakamoto Yuta.
Who calls himself as the healing smile.
Today he is gone.
NCT 127 will have promotions once again.
So he is GONE.
This is the right timing to do my plan.
The plan to end my life.
The plan that I’ve been executing for the last few months since NCT U’s debut but would never be successful because of that ONE VERY GUY.
I’ve seen this shiny silvery thing at the kitchen counter.
Its sharpness…
Is inviting me to do it already.
The picture of me trying to put cuts on myself with gushing blood coming out of my arms looks inviting.
The pain it will bring will give me relief.
Me slowly dying as I stare at the big photo SMROOKIES at the room seems nice.
I know I am a failure, that’s why they haven’t chosen me.
Yuta’s POV
The cup fell on the floor and broke.
“I think something bad will happen” I said as I picked up the pieces of mug
The crushed piece of mug makes me think that something bad will happen to my precious someone.
Someone who I value the most, but don’t value himself.
I felt danger in my heart. Danger that he will try to end his life once again.
“Yuta stop picking that up. You are needed on stage in 5 minutes.” The manager said
Maybe I should call Kun, I feel that Hansol hyung will do something dumb again just like the last time.
The phone kept ringing.
And I am getting impatient.
Why Kun of all times you are not answering?
I tried calling Hansol-hyung…
But all I hear is the beeping sound…
I am getting scared and frustrated…
“Yuta come on.” The manager said
And I’ve tried to be my usual self but it is not helping.
When will our performance ends…
Kun’s POV
“Oh I got a miss call.” I said
“From whom, hyung?” Renjun asked
We are currently in a Moomin Café.
“Ahmmm. Yuta.” I answered
Did something happened again?
Hansol-hyung?
I tried calling Yukhei…
Hansol’s POV
“It’s now or never Hansol” I whispered to myself
“You know this is the right thing to do. You know this will be the best. You will not be a burden anymore. You will not be a disgrace to your family. You will not feel disappointment anymore.” I said repeatedly to myself like a chant
I grabbed the knife. Thinking of what place, I should plant a fresh cut.
It was hard deciding. I think hardly. Should I have an immediate death or a slow death?
I think slow death would be better.
So I chose a spot where I wouldn’t die easily for my first cut.
I place the knife at my upper arm tried slicing a little.
A little. And a little. Till I saw blood slowly coming out.
The pain… It stings… But it gives me fulfilment…
“Well done, Ji Hansol” I said to myself
Complimenting myself, as you would say…
And now I am thinking of another spot…
But I was cut off by somebody…
“Hansol, you idiot”
Kun’s POV
“Yukhei, finally you answered” I said as Yukhei answered my call for the 3rd time I called
“Why did you call?” He said
“Are you by chance with Hansol-hyung today?” I asked
“No-uh. I am shopping at COEX now” he answered
“Can you check Hansol-hyung now? Because you know he might done something dumb again. And you know Yuta might kill us. You know the kind of person Yuta was if his dear Hansol is in danger” I explained to Yukhei
“Yes Yes. I’ll rush there” he said and hanged up
Yuta’s POV
“Hyung can you drive faster.” I said with a shaky voice
“Calm down, Yuta” Taeyong said as he pats my back
“How can I freaking calm down, Taeyong? This happened before and Hansol-Hyung’s life was almost in danger. You all know how much important Hansol-hyung is to me. How precious he is to me. And now tell me how to calm down” I said loudly
“If only he debuted earlier as promised by the company to him. Why would they be such a snake to him? How can they have done this? I lost my Hansol-hyung. My old Hansol-hyung. He is too lifeless now.” I paused as I choked up as I cry
“My Hansol-hyung who is full of dreams. Always cheering me up. Who makes lame jokes but I would laugh because he took an effort. Who taught me the steps when I can’t keep up during SMROOKIES. Why would this happen to him? He is such an angel and they freaking messed with him. This is insane. He doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment.” I said as tears flows out my eyes like falls
“Yuta we’re here” the manager said quietly
I rushed out of the van immediately
I walked through the dorm and saw no signs of a person. Then I walk and walk till I reached the kitchen and saw Hansol Hyung holding a knife.
“Hansol you idiot.”
“HYUNGGGGGGGGGG” I shouted
The knife fell from his grip.
And I rushed to hug him.
“You freaking . What are you doing again?” I said as tighten my hug to him
I looked up to see his face and he looks at me with an annoyed look
“you… stopped… me…again” he said slowly and almost a whisper
“Of course I’ll stop you…” and more tears came out
“You know how much you mean to me”
“you…”
“Yuta can you just stop. I’m tired.” Hansol said as he tried to push me away and I saw his visible cut at his upper arm. It was very visible since he is wearing a gray sleeveless.
“What happened? We should treat this.” I said but he pushed me away
“Can you please stop? You are really getting annoying. You know that I want this badly.” He said to me with the eyes I haven’t seen before.
Full of hatred.
“You want this. You want to be a mess. Where is the old Hansol I know? The tough one. The dependable one. The nice hyung. Where is the real Hansol?” I said as I get closer to him
“How do you know who is the real Hansol? Are you Hansol? I mean are you me to know that?” He said
“Yes I am not you. But I’m always here with you.” I said
“Who told you to be with me? Who told you to take pity on me? I just want to end my freaking life to put you all in comfort and now you’re stopping me” He said and was about to picked the knife but I tried to battle it out and I received a cut from it
“You freaking Yuta. I told you to stay away. And you don’t listen. Look what happened to you.” he said as his eyes turned to a concerned gaze rather than the eyes full of hatred. He tried to look at the first aid kit at the cabinet at the kitchen counter. He took care of the cut. As he was cleaning the wound my heart was beating crazily.
And I’m like Yuta why are you being like this now. This is not the right time to be like this. You should be stopping Hansol from taking his life.
“I’ve done this to distract you. And I don’t want you to leave me… because I love you Hansol”
“I love you not as a hyung but someone important” I said and I blushed hardly but my dramatic confession was ruined when he said
“You are just confusing the pity you felt for me for love. Sorry I don’t buy it Yuta.” He said and was about to go when he finished putting the bandage but I suddenly grabbed his hand and say “Who are you to say that? Are you Yuta?”
“And hyung let me treat your cut first.” I said
Good thing I’ve arrived at the right time and Hansol’s hyung cut wasn’t too deep.
He doesn’t need a stitch for it.
“Sorry I missed your call but I called Yukhei but-“ Kun said but was cut off by Yukhei
“Sorry Yuta I was late.” Yukhei said
“It’s fine I’ve arrived at the right time.” I said
Hansol’s POV
I told myself that was the last time…
After several attempts.
Maybe God has good plans for me…
“Hyung, don’t do something dumb again. I’ll be watching you.” Yuta said with his healing smile
I eyed at Kun and Yukhei and they smiled nervously.
“I will. And I’m sorry for the cut.” I said
“It’s fine. It saved you so it’s fine. I’ll be going back to dorm. Goodbye to you guys, also.” Yuta said as he hugs the TWO OTHER GUYS in the room
Days gone by and I haven’t attempted to end my life again.
Yuta doesn’t forget to leave a message at Kakao Talk.
He will always leave me positive messages and also some random stuff like
“Did you sleep well?”
“What did you eat?”
And I wonder why does he act like we are some sort of couple?
But I would dismiss that thought maybe he is just concern to me.
Maybe he is doing this because he was just grateful to me.
Because I have taken care of him when he was new to Seoul.
But…
/flashback/
“I’ve done this to distract you. And I don’t want you to leave me… because I love you Hansol”
“I love you not as a hyung but someone important”
/end of flashback/
“YAHHHH JI HANSOL YOU FREAKIN CALM DOWN” I said to myself
“OH” I was surprised
“Are you fine, Hyung?” Kun asked
“yes yes” I answered
“Your phone is ringing answer it.” I said
“Yes Yes” He said and grab his phone
“Oh Yuta” Kun said and looked at me and left
Why is Yuta calling Kun? And why it’s always Kun?
Why do I get only messages? I don’t get calls from him
I missed his voice.
Wait what?
Ji Hansol are you crazy?
“I should practice to have a peace of mind.” I said and head to leave the dorm
As I was walking I saw the bakeshop me and Yuta always went to.
And it’s now closing…
“Yuta will be sad when he sees this.” I said
A black dog suddenly approached me.
“Good boy. Good Boy” As I pet its back
“Omo it’s you again, you tall handsome boy. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you walked around the neighbourhood. Oh wait. Where is the other handsome boy a little smaller than you?” the ajhumma asked
“Oh he left already.” I said bitterly
“Oh I see. Bye and have a nice day” the ajhumma said
And I bowed to her.
I walked through the neighbourhood till I reached sm building
I went to an empty practice room.
And played something and it turns out to be Miss you.
I remembered the smile he gave me as we dance to it.
His gorgeous wide smile that I love the most.
Wait love. Let’s just say like. As in normal like. Just like I like ice cream.
Wait Ji Hansol. I’ve noticed you are thinking about Yuta every day.
And see you’ve been talking about him since you woke up.
Maybe I just miss him. Because I haven’t seen him for a while.
But if it’s like that why am I not like this to taeyong and the others.
Ji freaking Hansol…
Author’s POV
Days gone by and Hansol is still in denial of what he feels for the other.
While Yuta is confident of what he loves, and that guy is Ji Hansol.
Another big thing happened…
Yuta’s POV
“Yuta can you come here-“Kun said with his voice shaking and it was cut off since Yukhei grabbed it
“Hansol hyung. You know it.” Yukhei said
Those were the keywords and I rushed in to their dorm.
I saw Hansol lying at the floor as blood comes out of his skin…
He looks lifeless…
“What happened?” I shouted and tears falling in my eyes
“We arrived and he is like that already. And we called the ambulance and they are not coming here anytime soon. We checked his pulse already and it seems like he is de-“Yukhei said as Kun was crying beside him holding into his sleeves
“I don’t believe you guys.” I said and rushed to Hansol’s side
“Hyung you promised me you’ll not do this again. You liar. I hate you. I hate that I love you so much. Why would you not let me show my love to you? I thought everything is fine. The two said that you are doing okay and you are back to how you were before and even better. And you respond to my messages as if nothing was wrong. What happened again?” I said as I was crying I paused for a bit because I choked a bit while crying
“I should have called you. To hear your voice. To make sure everything is right. I was such a coward that I thought I would break when I heard your voice. I might do something stupid. I hate you that you didn’t let me shower you with love. I love you Hansol. It is too late. Why?” I said feeling so much pain in my heart like it was broken into pieces.
“I love you Hansol. I love you Hansol. I love you Hansol.” I said endlessly as I grabbed his hand
But suddenly… Hansol rise.
Kun and Yukhei suddenly leave.
“Wait I thought…” I said trying to comprehend what is happening
And it sinks in my mind…
“I hate you Ji Hansol” I said to him as I punch him constantly at his chest
“I hate that I love you so much” He said as he mimicked me
“I hate you” I said
He stopped my hands and said “I thought you love me.” I blushed as he emphasizes it
“But you said…” I am lost at words
“Why did you do this?” I asked
“Uhmmm. How should I start? It was hard for me to ask you out. So I think of another idea to call you out. And this comes in my mind. Then I asked Kun and Yukhei your men to help me. Then poof we execute the plan perfectly. Wait it’s not yet perfect. Since the hasn’t happen” Hansol explained
“And what ?” I asked… Anticipating… Thinking if the thing I was thinking was right.
“Nakamoto Yuta-san, Anata o hontōni aieimasu” Hansol said and tears won’t stop falling in my eyes.
My feelings were reciprocated.
“I’m sorry if I realized it too late. I am sorry for the burden I brought you. And I am sorry for being harsh to you before and I’m so-“Hansol said not stopping saying sorry to me
I cut him off by saying “It’s fine. I’ve done that out of love for you” I said as I smiled to him
Hansol’s POV
That was hard acting like a dead person but it was worth it.
I was able to say my feelings to him.
And I have also fulfilled his dream.
/flashback/
Yuta and I were watching KDRAMAS
“Hyung, I hope I’ll have like that too in my life. Someone will confess to me dramatically like in dramas.” Yuta said
“You’ll never know.” I answered.
/end of flashback/
Wait I think something is missing.Yes…
“Yuta” As I look into his eyes holding his two hands with my hands
“Hmmm.” He said then he smiled widely
My heart is beating faster…
“Will you be mine?” I finally asked it and tears streaming at my eyes
Yuta wiped my tears as he was crying also
“Yes. Yes hyung” he answered
I grab my chance and kiss him…
We shared a sweet chaste kiss.
“I love you Yuta”
“I love you too Hansol-hyung”
And we fell into each other’s embrace
Thanks to this guy I’ve learnt love and also I gain positivity in my life once more.
Good things happen to those who wait.
I continued to wait until the day has come.
“Annyeonghaseyo, NCT Hansol-imnida”
----------------------------
For some extra moments:
“By the way hyung, is the cut when you confessed to me real?” Yuta asked with full of curiosity in his eyes
“Hahahaha. No. Kun helped me. He said he learned it in school to make a realistic cut. Hahahaha. My acting is great right?” Hansol said
Yuta just smiled and hugged Hansol
The END
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