you.... Your strange skype name. Although I don't know why you use that name,I love it. I love everything about you.

It's super late. I was supposed to call you hours ago. It wasn't my fault that I passed out at my so-called-home. Accidents happen. I like to call it an accident I like to fool myself. 

Just two rings and you answer.

There you are... smiling innocently,eyes twinkling,waving at me very excitedly. So cute. Just like a small kid. Just one glance at you makes every cell of my body happy.
You have no idea how beautiful you are. Even through the crappy web cam, you look beautiful as ever. You don't  seem to have changed a single bit, your clothing is the same,you still wear your old clothes I picked for you , the small couple tattoo on your wrist is still decorating your skin, you're wearing that cheap little ring I gave you, everything about you is the same. Except for your hair which was a different shade back then.

Back then your hair was chocolate brown haha... Back then... I miss our "back then" , the old days. 
That time when you were always near me,clinging on to my arm, pouting,and blinking nonstop, asking hugs and kisses... 
Sometimes you'd get mad at me for utterly stupid things and cry saying you're sorry after few minutes. You'd shy away because of a dirty joke I do. The same you would be a y ball on bed, fighting for dominance. No shyness, just driven with beautiful lust. 
Or you'd play sleeping beauty on a cold frosty night,hiding your clothless body under the blankets waiting for me to make a move, do whatever I want. You Sneaky little fox...
Those days were the best days in my life. The fortunate days of my unfortunate life. All I've got now are those precious memories about you... because you're not here.  You're in the distance of just one single air flight. Yet I can't reach you. You're so far away, and that distance is increasing even more as we talk through this skype. Soon... we will be beings of two different worlds. 

"Awww Jjongie I miss you so much!!!!" You say. 

I want to tell that 'I miss you even more Sweetheart', but I don't. Instead I smile my infamous smile.

 I miss you so so much though I act like I don't really care.  You always said you'd come here to stay with me. But I stopped you giving hilarious,pathetic excuses which are far away from truth. Oh how much I acted cool...

 cool my !  Only I know how much I miss you. They say nothing smells better than the scent of your loving one. True saying,nothing smells better than you,not this air,not any perfume. The touch of your lips, your silky hair, your smile, your lap,your chest, your waist,  your cute acts, your wholehearted love... I miss your whole being sweetheart. I wish I could tell you that.

I wish you were here with me right now. More than ever, I need you right now. This moment.

I want you to Cuddle me when I'm hurt, kiss me when I cry to sleep, to pat my back and soothe me saying beautiful lies 'it's gonna be alright, it's okay", to give me strength as I keep failing.....day by day,minute by minute,second after second. 

I just want to hold you, feel you one more time. Taste your sweet lips, fall asleep with your head on my chest, hear your small snores, lay under the starry sky aimlessly like we did that day...Just.. Only One last time before I go. Though that ain't gonna happen,I know. I won't let that happen.

 No matter how much I want you by my side, I don't want you to see my vulnerable state. And...and..how can I face you? After everything I did...

  I came here knowing that my chances are slim. But Funny, I had faith I'll be alright. I was so sure it'd go away. 

What did I do? I lied about a non-existent scholarship, said I had to live abroad for an year and flew away from everyone, hoping to come back as the same healthy man you knew. 

I was gonna come back to be the hero of your world. I was gonna come...I was.

I dreamt too high sweetheart...

The promised one year turned in to two, and I lost count of the lies I told you.  Those two years... I fought. I fought for myself,I fought for us,your happiness. I did everything I could. But nothing worked. Last thing I could do was praying. I did that too. But... seems like Almighty didn't hear my prayers. A month ago they said they have nothing left to do and confirmed that my time is up.

" Jjongie, can we have a dachshund after we marry? I love them!!!!! They're so cute!!! I want one! Please Please...Pretty please?"

Why? Why???????

'dachshunds? sausage dogs? NO way!!! NO! '  

Now you're giving me that look. The huge pout,big puppy eyes; That irresistible look. I have no choice...

'okay okay! You can have that sausage dog,but you have to take care of it Alone!!! I'm not gonna be the one to clean its poop!'

"Awwww you're so sweet! Thankie!!!! Don't worry. I'll take good care of both the doggie and you!!!"

Oh lord...Why is this happening? How?How do I... How do I tell you, looking at your innocent face that it will never happen? How do I tell you that there won't be any dog that you and I would own? I don't want to destroy your innocent wishes.

It takes every bit of my strength not to break down in front the camera. Nothing hurts more than looking at you and lying to you, acting like we have a Future together.

Everything was going smoothly. I confessed to you, you returned the feelings. We wrapped in love,we were the ideal couple,the kings of fluff, we were the lovebirds over the moon.  We won the blessings of our parents. They were over the moon. We had everything. Everything except a little bit of luck.

"Jjongie switch on the light! It's been ages since I saw your face clearly!!!! Why is it always dark? " 

Oh my... Why are these stupid tears falling now! Please don't see them! Please! I can't switch on the light. You'll see the dark circles, hollowed cheeks, chapped lips , colourless skin, the tubes... 

"Baby, you know My roommate is a freak! He switches the lights off at 8 and no one is allowed to switch them on again! That Idiot!! I've told you before sweetheart.  "

What roommate?  I'm in a bloody hospital. 

I'm sorry.... I can't hurt you with the truth. 

You're the best thing that ever happened to me. The best gift I ever got. The source of happiness in my life. I wanted to be the same for you. 

I promised that I'd be your life partner,I'd be your light and your shadow. In tears and smiles, together forever.  

You trust my words. You're counting days for our wedding. I know you're planning everything... white theme,fairies, pink roses, your long gown trailing on the red carpet, and the matching white tux for me... 

Your dream wedding that will always stay a dream. 

It saddens me to the pit of hell to give you false hope about a future that won't ever come.. But... I can't tell you the truth. The words won't come. Nothing will come! I can't... How on earth can I tell you that I can't be with you? How do I tell you that in few more hours, I'd leave you? 

How do I tell you that no matter how many times you dial this line of the Skype, it would never be answered again? I'm too weak. I can't. I can't stand to see a single tear falling from your beautiful eyes. 

I'm selfish. 

I want you! I couldn't let you go! I still can't let you go. I'm very sorry for your wasted youth that I can't give back. Guys are on queues trying to make you theirs. But you are still waiting for me. Faithful, keeping your promise to be only mine. Thank you my love. Thank you for waiting for this man who won't return.

Things weren't supposed to end this way. I never thought of leaving you like this. Not even in a dream. But what to do? My own body hated me. I'm sorry my love.  

"Baby... what will you do if I leave you?"     Now answer me honestly sweetheart. I need to know the answer. I always wanted to ask you that.

"Leave me? Ha Ha Ha I know you're never gonna do that! You will never hurt me. You won't ever leave me"

That..that's your answer? Oh my sweetheart, my love,my love of life,  my world...I'm sorry! I am gonna hurt you. A lot. An awful lot. So so much that you will never forgive me. I am gonna leave you. 

I'm dying my love. I'm so sorry for dying. So sorry for hiding it. So sorry for the millions and millions of lies I've told you. Sorry for fooling you.  For each and every tear that you'll shed, I'm sorry. Sorry for not being able to be your hero. Sorry for being weak. Sorry for keeping you prisoned in my selfish love. Sorry for everything my Love.