We are walking towards Studio 6 to do a rehearsal for our comeback song. 1,2 step, left, right, twirl. Do not let the nervousness get to you Naeun-ah. “Hello Apink sunbaenim! Fighting! – I bowed to the hoobaes. They look relieved, they must have finished their turn.

“Okay Apink, you all can wait here. Shinee’s will be finishing in a few. – the stage crew informed us.

Hayoung who was beside me looked at me. I couldn’t control myself. I looked to the stage. There he was. His body moves to the rhythm. He looks at peace on the stage. He has always shine when he performs. The fans are all cheering for them. I cant help it, I cant look away. They took a break, a fan shouted his name, he smiled at them. He showed finger hearts to them, he do not have to hide his love for them. I longed to be able to support him openly then, at times like this, how I wish I am just a fan.

Bomi unnie nudged me. “Unless you want to be caught staring at him, you may continue.

"Sorry unnie

“Okay, cut! Thank you Shinee, Next! – the PD

There’s no hiding now. There’s only one stairs up & down the stage. I stand aside, we make way for Shinee to come down.

“Good job Shinee sunbaenim! – the rest of the Apink members wished repetitively while bowing.

I just bowed to them. I never met all of their eyes. He just walked past me, as if I wasn’t there. I straightened my back. Key oppa was infront of me, he smiled & whispered past me. “If this helps, he still has your bear on his bed. - I gave a silent thanks to Key oppa.

We finished rehearsal and are heading back to our room. The actual recording will start in 45mins. I was walking up the stairs when I saw Taemin oppa heading down. I told Eunji unnie here and there in between our rehearsal just now briefly what actually happened, I guess the information Id gotten from Key oppa is what helping me take action today. I was sure Taemin oppa hated me before, but there’s a 1% of hope now that I can save us at least to stop being strangers to each other. I even got a scolding from Eunji as to why Id never reach out to Taemin to explain myself.

He bowed & walked past us without a word. I was contemplating. I was so sure earlier that ill make a move today. Now im not so sure. Eunji unnie looked at me, “Go, you have to do this now. Today.

I looked back and saw Taemin oppa walking further away, I have to do this now.

I ran down the stairs to catch to him. He must have heard my hurried steps because he suddenly turn around and I didn’t manage to stop on time. I fell into his arms, he catches me in an embrace. He fell down and I landed on top of him. Luckily we were at one of stairs landing and not on the steps. “ah Oppa, sorry – I tried to get up but my necklace got tangled with his wool sweater.

“I wanted to say im sorry, for not telling you the truth. – still trying to untangle my necklace.

“Im sorry I didn’t explain myself to you, didn’t call you to explain. Im sorry if I hurt your feelings. I wanted to text you but I figured you must have hated me so much. I don’t know what I should do. I know this is too sudden  -my hands and eyes are still trying to untangle my accessory, “but I cant do this stranger act with you anymore. I was wrong, I did met up with Junhyung oppa, but only that night. I told you before that when I first debuted & was unsure about the path that I took, he was always around giving me encouragements & support, I regard him as an older brother. He did try to pursue me and I rejected him, I told you. He knew my heart was taken by you oppa. – Taemin snatched my necklace away from my hand, now he’s the one trying to untangle it. I looked up to him. “Dongwoon oppa called me a few minutes after I put down the phone with you. Junhyung oppa had called him in a drunken state, & Dongwoon oppa was on his way back from his hometown and could not reach the bar before it closes. He had called me because my place is the nearest to the bar. Chorong unnie drove there and we went over to the bar. We coudnt find a parking space so Chorong unnie had to wait in the car while I go in to fetch Junhyung oppa – he managed to untangle it. I moved away from him. He stands up. He offered his hand to help me up. “Then we send him over to his place and Dongwoon oppa came. That’s all, then we went home and I went to sleep. I totally forget about it the next morning to even tell you about it until you called me up. You sounded angry on the phone so I wanted to tell you face to face instead of on the phone. But I was too late and that happened. I am really sorry oppa. I never lie to you about anything else. Only god knows how much I waited for that day to finally see you. I have prepared so many things for us that day, I didn’t expect such things to happen on our monthsary. – I finally raised my head to look up to him. He was already staring at me. “Im really sorry oppa. – I don’t want to cry, but tears are already pooling in my eyes. He took a step away from me, “Are you really telling me the truth this time? – He glanced at me and continue walking down the stairs.

“Go and ask your stylist to touch up your make up & your hair. We are working now, we are idols, we have a show to run.

“You still have our teddybear, don’t you? If you hated me, why would you still have it.

He stopped but didn’t turn back. He then continued walking.

Never have I felt so dejected in my whole years of living, am I too late?