Being in Seoul gives him mixed feelings. Some of his best times were spent there yet so were some of his most painful ones, both of them causing conflict inside of him. He was so close to those who he had once called brothers – he still does – yet so far at the same time. Oh how he wished he could be with them again, singing and performing on stage together but he knew that it was nearly impossible for that to ever happen, not in this life time.

When he had made the decision to leave it had hurt. It hadn’t come easy but he just couldn’t bare it anymore. The mistreatment, the discrimination. It was just too much for him. Call him weak but there’s only so much a person can take before it all comes crashing in and he had finally been pushed to his limit. He knew that the members would be upset, would feel angry and betrayed. He would know, he had felt the same when Yifan and Luhan had left.

He hadn’t had contact with any of them since he had left. He was scared, scared of what they would think, what they would say to him. Would they hate him? He just had no idea. People had always called him a scaredy cat, a coward and perhaps that was true. There had been times where he had been in the same venue as both Yifan and Luhan but he hadn’t had the courage to get close to them. The words he had written in anger regarding Yifan’s departure haunt his thoughts. Looking back on it and where he is now, all he can say is that he’s a hypocrite, damning someone of something that he would follow not even a year later. It almost laughable but he can’t find it in himself to do so.

As he overlooks the Coex from his hotel window he wonders what his life would have been like if he had stayed. Would he still be in the shining lights with his brothers, singing and dancing with them, or would he still be suffering through the physical pain of injuries that have yet to properly heal?

 He stops that train of thought before it could go any further. There’s no point in thinking of what could have been. He’s already made his choice, one that cannot be reversed. He’s been asked multiple times if he regrets leaving and every time he had replied that he didn’t, which is the truth. He doesn’t regret leaving but he does regret what he had to leave behind in doing so.

Starting his own career in China wasn’t easy but he had pushed through. He had always had a large base of anti-fans, even well before he had actually debuted. His journey was much harder than Yifan and Luhan’s but in a way it had helped him to grow. There were times where he did find it unfair, where he would cry about the false rumours and how every move he made was being looked at under a microscope. He didn’t let them know how much they had hurt him, instead he acted like he didn’t care, like he wasn’t fazed and it seemed to have worked. He still had a large amount of anti’s and critics but they had dwindled as his base of supporters had grew.

When he looks at the building displaying the release of the first sub unit including Jongdae, Minseok and Baekhyun he can’t help the stab of pride and happiness that goes through him. He’s proud of his hyungs but he doesn’t know if he even has the right to call them that anymore. He hopes that they know that he still loves them, that he follows what they do, their music videos, performances, movies, dramas and other appearances.

He’s looking out at it when a thought goes through his mind. He bites his lip, unsure if he should really do it. Getting out his phone he hands it to his manager. Posing in front of the window he instructs him to take a picture of him, making sure to capture the Coex and the poster.

Looking through his gallery his thumb hesitates over the upload button. It’s a gamble, he knows it is but he hopes that they’ll see it and understand, that they’ll catch the intended meaning behind it. He prays and hopes but he knows there’s a good chance that it will be taken the wrong way. He locks his phone, he can’t stand to look at the picture anymore. If he does there’s a high chance that he’ll back out and delete it.

Hours later, as he lies in his bed the familiar and distinct ding of his phone cuts through the silence of his room. Half asleep he claws for it beside him where he had carelessly placed it earlier. When he locates it he brings it to his face, having to squint at the screen as his eyes adjust to the sudden light. He furrows his brow when he sees that he has a message from an unknown sender. Apprehensive, he hesitates before opening it. What he reads brings tears to his eyes.

We still love you. We’re proud of you. Please take care of yourself.

He stares at it for the longest time, re-reading those three sentences over and over again, trying to make sure that what he is seeing is actually true and not just a figment of his imagination showing him what he wants to see.

Without him knowing his tears have begun to fall. He only notices it when the taste of salt hits his taste buds. His hand comes up to his face to cover his mouth, stifling the sounds that were bubbling up in his throat. He brings the hand clutching his phone to his chest as if he’s trying to protect it from the world.

With shaking hands he manages to type out a reply, even though it took him longer than usual.

I’m sorry.

He sits his phone on the bed in front of him, not touching it but keeping his eyes glued to it, afraid that if he looked away it would disappear. He holds his breath, nearly passing out before his phone dings again in reply.

Don’t be. We forgive you.

‘We forgive you’

The phrase keeps repeating itself in his head. They forgive him? It’s almost too good to be true. Even so he feels a teary smile make its way onto his face, pulling his lips up. He heart feels lighter, like a weight had been lifted from it. Some still remains but he feels better, so much better. He feels a small bit of courage bubble up inside of him.

Searching through his contacts he comes across one which had remained untouched for months. One which hadn’t dared to press. Steeling himself he taps out a message with a mind and fingers that are sure of themselves. There’s still doubt but now it’s not enough to stop him.

Hi Ge, it’s been a while. Do you think we could meet up sometime? There’s some things that I need to say to you. Some things that I need to apologise for.

So this little bit of inspiration came to me while I was trying to sleep. Not being able to get it out of my head I decided that sleep was for the weak and wrote this instead. Really I should be working on my other stories that have yet to be posted but when I get an idea I just have to run with it.

As you can probably tell this was inspired by the pictures that Tao posted on Instagram the other day. There were mixed reactions about the photo's which I can understand. You're all free to think how you wish. I hope this fic doesn't anger anyone but when the idea came to be I just had to write it. I know there are some who are still bitter, upset, angry or have mixed feelings about him leaving. Please remember that this is a work of fiction. It may include real life people and/or events but it is, in it's entirety, a work of fiction.

Anyway, I do hope that you enjoyed reading it. Please tell me your thoughts in the comments down below.