I tried my best. I swear I did. But my short legs are not so cooperative. Or maybe I’m just really slow. I sighed before looking over my shoulders. “Why,” he looked away as if I’ve hurt him. And I’d like to believe that I didn’t. Out of all the things that I don’t want to do, hurting him is part of the top five. He has his hands wrapped around my wrist and I want to shrug it off. “Why are you running away again?”

“I…” when I realized that I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) answer his question, he let go of my wrist. But I don’t think he will let me go just yet. And I don’t want him to but I’d rather him do that. Because it will be so much easier for him. For me.

“Will you stop doing that?” Yea. Because that’s so easy. So I bite the inside of my cheeks to prevent myself from saying stupid things. Things that… will send him running.

“Doing what?” I should’ve shut him up instead of encouraging a conversation.

He shook his head. He looks disappointed and I’d rather him be disappointed at me than be disgusted at me like all other people I’ve come to know.

“That,” and I don’t think I’ve seen him so frustrated. “You keep… avoiding things. People. Everyone. Everything.” And I have most certainly never heard him speak so much before. It’s funny what can frustration do to us.

Silence fell between us. Way too long that the stretched scared me. Because even though it was always quiet with Mark Tuan, it wasn’t something that will scare you. “Do…” I looked away because I don’t trust myself to stay strong while looking at his eyes. “I-I,”

“Tell me, Wendy.” His dismissive expression is scaring me. Like he’s about to let go. Like he’s about to give up. I wanted this, right? So maybe I should just let him. But part of me… now part of me wants trust him. “Tell me.”

“I’m scared,” and maybe it cost me my remaining energy to say that because amidst of what supposed to be a wonderful day, here I am feeling so weak with my wobbly knees and tear-streaked face. “I’m scared that if I tell you… you will… yo-” and I’m in his arms again.

“Relax, okay?” he let go of me, “Breathe.” And he made me do the breathing exercise we’ve learnt together from Miss Li. But when I took in another breath, I feel so weak again. Anxious. Agitated. And I want to run again. Run. Because that’s easier than to face the truth.

“You will—”

“I will hate you?”

“No,” I tell him honestly. “Maybe,” But then again… he might actually hate me.

“Then what?”

“You will find me disgusting.”

“W…what? Why would I?”

“Because that’s what they all did.”

“How sure are you that… I’ll look at you negatively?” Now he looks angry. Scarier than ever. As if he’s mad that I’ve judged him. But he can’t blame him. If you spent the last six years of your life being looked at that way, you will expect everyone to look at you that way if they know the truth. Because people? They don’t like the truth. They want something to talk about. Someone to judge.

I don’t want to answer his question. Or maybe I just can’t answer his question. Whichever between the two, I will – still – not tell him.

“I’ve been keeping a secret from you for the last two years and…” I should’ve shut my mouth but I was known for not doing that. “I don’t know… maybe I’d rather show you than tell you.” With the hope that you’re different from all of them.

“I… fine. Come on.” He tried pulling me with him but we’re still wearing our graduation caps and robes.

“My parents are waiting for me and your family is waiting for you.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“No.” Sometimes he’s so stupid. “Celebrate with them.” Have fun while you can. Have fun without me because that’s what you will be doing when you finally know the truth. “Not everyone gets to have a degree.”

“Those things can wait, Wendy.”

“This thing can wait, too, Mark.” I pushed myself, made myself believe that this person in front of me loves me… just like what he just told me minutes ago. “So go now. I’ll meet you later in front of my apartment. 5PM.”

“Sharp?”

“Sharp.”

***

4:59PM and he’s already there. On the other side of the door. I hate him. Ugh. At exactly 5:00PM, my phone started rin