Namjoon was never a smart man when it came to situations other than school. Whenever he confessed to a girl he’d liked, he’d become really awkward and flustered, before messing it up in some way shape or form. He’s never been confessed too and didn’t react appropriately when the situation came around. After harboring a small crush on one of the members, he felt his whole world come down at the confession of reciprocated feelings. When Seokjin asked the leader to come to a separate room, he was on edge, assuming he did something wrong and not fully reading the tone of the older’s actions. When he was confessed to, he freaked out. Sure, he liked the tall male who’s personality was a quirky one compared to his, but his mind thought logically before his heart could speak. If news got out that they were  gay, then it could ruin Seokjin’s career, one of the last things Namjoon wanted to do. So, in response to this confession, Namjoon freaked out. He started spewing sentence after sentence, not meaning anything behind his words as he just keeps on speaking. The last thing Namjoon ever wanted to say, was for Jin to move on and find someone else, and that’s exactly what he said.

Now, after a few weeks of break, using up all of his sick and vacation days, Namjoon debated on whether to return or not. He can’t just leave unannounced, and they will question why he left. He’s also the leader and is supposed to be strong for his group, but what if things are awkward between him and Jin? He’s already seen in the news that Jin’s been meeting up with guys frequently, questions about his uality popping up quickly. He usually would have been more secretive unless he wanted someone to know what was going on, and Namjoon knows. He stares at the letter, knowing this decision is the tipping point, the final answer, and he knows that he is prepared to read it. Namjoon opens the letter, his lip slipping between his teeth as he spots Jin’s neat handwriting, only making him want to discard the letter before the truth hits him. With a final sigh, he looks down, reading the slightly crumpled letter.

I hope you’re doing well Namjoon.

So, I remember you liked puzzles and I’m going to put your IQ of 148 to use. There is a hidden message, quite obvious if you asked me. I know it might take a bit to figure out, but text me your reply when you do. Lately, I’ve been hanging out with my friends and I’m doing better. Last week I even hung out at a bar and met a new guy. He was a nice person, reminded me of you. Although no, I’m not trying to replace you, I’d just wish you left in another way. V missed you a lot, he’s always whining to Hoseok about how he misses his “dad”. Even Jungkook’s been a little pissy about the sunken “ship”. Now, I understand that we can’t be together, you were clear about that. Though, I took your rejection well, you on the other hand, ran away. Maybe we can forget about this, just come back to us and we’ll be a family again. Only for a day, if that’s possible, but please try to stay longer. Vacation days, sick days, hell, I’d lose all of them to see you (and make the boys shut up). Even though I’m moving on, they haven’t found out anything yet. One day, that’s all I ask, you need to at least say a proper goodbye. Now, text me your response, hell, even a “k” would be fine, just send something.

Confusion was the first emotion Namjoon felt, his answer now blurred more than before. The wording was strange, so was the sentence structure, but Namjoon was stumped. It’s true, he likes puzzles, but he didn’t do these kind of puzzles. He’s spent at least three days trying to find the message out, smacking himself once he finds how simple it was, “Oh my god… This hyung…” he groans, his own light bulb going off, “I… So… There…” he continues until the sentence is spelled out, feeling a pang of guilt as he finishes the message, “I still… haven’t moved… on. Aish.” Namjoon runs a frustrated hand through his hair, yanking at it slightly as he only feels worse and worse about the situation. As ed up as it was, he still felt a muffled twinge of joy in his heart when he realized the effort and thought Jin put into this letter for him. For the first time in a long time, Namjoon decided to act on his heart, returning the effort and thought as well as he could.

I’ll admit, you stumped me for a bit you sneaky “mom”. My response won’t be a simple “k”, but the same you sent me. I’m glad you’re working on getting over me. Sorry, I was a and harsh about rejecting you, but I’m glad you understand. Sorry about leaving as well, without a warning. You know, having the oldest member confess his feelings for you kinda scared me. Oh, and it probably hurt when I shouted, try not to take that too personally. Understand, please, that I will need some time to gather myself together, but I will come back. Tell the boys that I don’t want them bugging you to the point of insanity. On Monday I’ll return, so try to wait it out. Other than me coming back, we do need to discuss what happened. Firstly, I’m glad you’re meeting new people. Once I return, I might just have to scare him off from my “wife”. Really though, I actually have a lot to say after my self reflection. God, I really am sorry about what happened. I know this letter is repetitive, but I feel that if I don’t apologize enough, it won’t be understood. V should be able to answer any questions you have about this letter, I’ve started to speak with him a bit. Even though I left on such a short notice, I once again hope that you, the boys, and hopefully management can take me back in with little hesitation. Make sure that you don’t lose this letter before ‘decoding it’, because I have one last thing to say.

Even if you hate me to the final day, I hope you never move on.

(...)

Seokjin received the letter the day Namjoon returned, only an hour before his arrival. He didn’t bother to read too much into the letter once he sees the leader’s quirky response. He spells out the sentence quickly, the butterflies in his stomach that grew when he first sent his letter have now exploded into a mad fit.

Taehyung knew what was happening once he saw the smile break out on Jin’s face. He remembers talking to Namjoon late at night and helping the leader write out his feelings. He manages to herd up the rest of the members away, struggling to get Jungkook to listen to him, Hoseok following along easily, Jimin on board with his plan before he even said it, and Yoongi only going along because of Jimin.

There was a knock on the door, Jin jumping up from his chair and looking towards the entrance startled. It was as if time stopped itself, the only thing Jin could hear was his own heart beat. When the second knock echoed through the room, he was snapped out of his trance. His footsteps echo in the strangely quiet dorm, and he would’ve been suspicious of it if it weren’t for the fact his mind is somewhere completely else. He thought he would be calm and collected when he saw Namjoon again, but the scene from the previous week just played in his head.

“I like you."

“You… what?” The look of shock on the younger's face gave Seokjin no reassurance or comfort.

“I like you, Namjoon.” He repeats, sounding calm but in reality his head is spinning so fast he’s scared he’d get motion sickness from taking a single step. The silence is deafening, and Jin doesn’t think he can handle another second of it.

“You… you can’t.” Two words that feel like knifes in his chest, the unchanging emotion on Namjoon’s face close to pushing him off the edge, “You can’t be gay, hyung. It can ruin your career. It’s just a phase, you can move past it.” Seokjin couldn’t look at the other anymore, every word just sending more pain towards him. The tears were coming up fast, but he couldn’t find the strength to walk away. He just disgusted the one he loved. He wasted his courage on the leader and he doesn’t know how large the consequences can get. He’s told he’s going through a phase and that his love isn’t real and all that does is crumple up Seokjin more than ever. He’s tuned out Namjoon, hearing an angry voice but not the words.

Quietly, he speaks up, not waiting for Namjoon to finish, “Get out.” His words are full of venom, and it’s enough to silence and freeze the leader. When he doesn’t hear footsteps, he looks up, glaring at Namjoon with the most rage he can muster, “Get out! I don’t want to be told my love is false and it’s just a phase. It’s not a phase you !” He shouts, tears streaming down his face but he doesn’t care anymore.

What Jin didn’t see, was the expression of extreme sorrow and regret as Namjoon walks out the door. What he didn’t see was Namjoon cursing himself and struggling to fall asleep the next day. What he didn’t see was Namjoon taking a final look at the door of Jin’s room before walking out of the dorm. What Jin didn’t see was Namjoon’s eyes reflecting the same amount of love the older felt for him.

 

Jin stared up at Namjoon, thanking the fact that his knees haven’t given way yet. Namjoon smiles down at his hyung, his own heart racing in his chest as he meets eyes with Jin. He hides his frown when he sees the tired bags and slightly bloodshot and swollen eyes. Namjoon knew everything thing he said and did to the older boy was wrong, but he couldn’t help but still want to be a part of his life, no matter how guilty he felt.

“You’re back…” Jin whispers out. His eyes flicker back and forth, as if dancing timidly around the younger. The tension was strong in the air, what kind it was was unknown to the two boys.

“Yeah.” The reply was almost just a breath, falling lightly upon the older’s ears. Both hearts were beating harshly, loud enough that they felt the other could hear it. The strained look on Namjoon’s face matches the teary eyed Jin.

“I’m sorry.” They speak at the same time, a similar look of shock on both of their faces but for different reasons.

“What do you mean?” Namjoon asks.

“For lo-lo… Liking you.” Jin stutters out, looking down awkwardly.

“Wh-what? No!” Namjoon’s voice comes out louder than expected, himself wincing at the slight crack, “I mean, you don’t have to apologize. The things I said… they… none of it’s true. I mean- It’s just that- I don’t-” He struggles to speak, tripping over his words and stumbling onto the next sentence, “I don’t want to jeopardize your job because of me.”

Jin’s shock now turns into a familiar look of frustration at the younger, “Namjoon, I know of the consequences. I couldn’t continue to walk around the eggshells of my feelings for you. I’d rather lose my job than lie to my friends everyday.”

“I know what it’s like to hide a crush. You have to think of the big picture though. I’ve liked you since debut, but what happens if the company finds out? The fans? The media?” There’s a silence that falls over the room, the words only sinking into Namjoon, “I-I-I…”

“You like me?” Namjoon feels his heartbeat speed up, feeling as if it’s going to break a rib or two. He feels as if he’s just been put in Jin’s shoes, the idea of having to confess only making his chest hurt more.

“I… Yes. Goddammit, yes! I like you! I’ve liked you for such a long time and it hurts. It hurts when I said those things. It hurts thinking about the chance of everything falling apart for feelings. It just hurts…” Namjoon’s expression clearly shows pain, tears b in his eyes but not falling, “I like you and it hurts because society won’t let us be together. Because our company will either make sure we aren’t together or even remove one of us from the group. Because we might have to hurt each other for happiness to come to either of us. I really like you, hyung.” Namjoon’s heart is screaming at him, pushing him one way while his brain fights back. He can’t stop over-analyzing the outcomes, over-thinking the consequences. The break he took wasn’t enough time to prepare him with the whirlwind of emotions he’s experiencing. The thoughts that clash with his heart turn his vision blurry The mental state that he’s trying to recover from only burrowing deeper into fear and isolation.

What Namjoon couldn’t have predicted, was the feeling of soft lips pressing against his own, hands cupping his face to keep him in place. From an outsider’s point of view, this would be an awkward scene. Two men, both on the verge of tears, awkwardly stand still as they kiss. Instead of snapping him out of his trance, it throws all thoughts and sentences out of the leader’s head. Jin steps back, looking at the frozen boy with a small smile. Namjoon’s mouth is ajar, his eyes glazed over and a blush slowly making it’s way up his neck and to his ears. Jin wasn’t faring any better, his face flushing red and no skin above his neck was without color. The silence was back, only to be broken by a cough.

Namjoon blinks, his eyes focusing on the older boy with an unchanging expression of shock, “Oh… Okay then…” He mutters, his hand wanting to come up and touch his lips, but his brain not fully coming to the terms of what just happened.

Jin rocks back on his heels, a seeming weight has been lifted from his shoulders, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that… and it managed to shut you up.” he adds on, a more comfortable feeling taking over the awkwardness in the room.

“Maybe… I should talk more…” The worries about the media, about the company, and about the fans haven’t fully left, but they seemed less of an importance at the moment.

“Will you stop worrying for once and give us a chance? I know you’re the leader, but we can be secret about a few things. We can hide it as skinship or fanservice. You know how many fans out there actually want us to be a couple.” Jin points out, “So can we at least try?”

Namjoon hesitates, looking at the older, breaking eye contact frequently before answering, “I mean… Okay, but if the company finds out we better have a good excuse.” the dimpled smile appears on his face, a refreshing feeling after dealing with angst and stress for the past few weeks. Jin grins as well, stumbling as Namjoon pulls him close into a hug, pressing his lips against Jin’s forehead, “We can keep this a secret.”

As they stand there, a small piece of paper slips from Jin’s pocket, going unnoticed by the pair. There’s a small jumble of letters written out on it, spaced out and with a few tear stains as well

‘I miss you forgive me’