There’s something I want to ask. To whom, it doesn’t really matter. I just want an answer. From anyone, really, who cares enough to give me one.

How well do you remember your childhood?

Probably it sounds unimportant and definitely not an interesting question. But I just need to hear this from other person’s perspective, to make sure that at least there is one person that exist and feel the same way that I do right now. Every time I try to recall my childhood, I feel nothing. I can’t even picture the moment or the feeling that well. I feel like I lost some of my memories and there’s a gap of nothingness somewhere in the memory part of my brain that is very disturbing.

I’m sure that I’m not having sort of amnesia. I still remember the faces, the places, the experiences, the mistakes, the occasions. But it’s blurry, and hard to understand. It’s like a movie that is played very fast, you can see the people and what happens, but you can’t seem to make a big picture out of it because it makes you dizzy.

I think I might be taking the phrase “forget the past and focus on the future” too well. But honestly, I’m afraid of the future too.

When we were younger, we wanted to grow up really fast. Oh, how stupid we were. I turned 18 this year and I will be considered adult next year. Honestly I’m very anxious. I don’t know how I will become in the future. The thoughts bring me burden. I’ve seen so many adults that is deemed as failure by society, and I’m afraid I will become one of them. In my anxiety, I try to remember how I was when I’m in my childhood. I want to remember what makes me passionate to grow up so much. I want to feel something I think I feel when I’m just a kid.

But I feel nothing. I wonder if anyone feels the same.

“This is the last boxes.” Jaebum, my older cousin, says as I see him carrying two stacked boxes. Both of the boxes are labeled ‘books’ with a bold black marker. “God damn it. What kind of books you put in there? Those boxes are heavier than the others.” He grumbles as he put the boxes down on my new dorm floor.

“Sorry, oppa. You should have told me you were going to bring those, I’d have helped you.” I give him my best apologetic looks.

He ruffles my hair then, “No problem, princess. You will not be able to carry it, anyway, and I count this as my daily exercise so I won’t have to go to the gym later.” he says it as he flexes his arms’ muscles. Oh, well, the perks of having a strong older cousin.

I give him a roll of my eyes as I continue to unpack my clothes out of my luggage to the closet. “It’s all finished then. Thank you for helping me, oppa. You’re done here.”

“Are you kicking me out already?”, his tone raises a bit jokingly, “Are you sure you don’t want me to help you unpack? You got so much stuffs here, I think I didn’t bring this much when I moved for college.”

“It’s okay. You helped enough already, oppa. Didn’t you say you got a plan with your college friends later?”

“Yeah, but it is still in 2 hours,” he replies as he checks his wristwatch, “I still don’t understand why you don’t just move in to our apart in. We still have room for one. Junhyeok and I will be very happy to have you with us.” Junhyeok is another cousin. He and Jaebum lives in an apartment near Anam, since they entered college at the same time two years ago and fortunately they got into universities that are pretty near to each other. Junhyeok is in Hanyang, while Jaebum got into KU.

“Of course you guys will be very happy. You will have someone to clean, cook, and do your laundry for free. No, thank you.” I make a face at him.

He gives an innocent grin, which is an irony considering his not-so-innocent thought, “Well, we definitely in need of a housekeeper, but can’t afford one, though. I’d rather use the money to eat fancier foods.” Typical Jaebum.

He gives a check around the dorm room, though I don’t know what he wants to check. He approaches me once he finished. “Alright then, if you got yourself covered. I gotta go now. Don’t wander around too late at night, be a good girl. If there are some sunbaes that bother you, call me, okay? I know a few people here in Dongguk. If you hungry in the middle of the night, also call me, I’ll definitely come to accompany you eat. Well, just call me or Junhyeok if you need anything, okay?”

I roll my eyes at him again. “Okay, okay. Duh.”

He pinches my nose. “Don’t roll your eyes at me! I’m older than you!”

I groan as I massage my nose. Jaebum doesn’t know the capability of his strength. His pinches are always hard.

“Okay, I’ll go now. Take care. Bye!” He hugs me once and then waves her right hand as he walks out of the door.

I wave back as I follow him to the door. “Yeah, you too.”

Then, I close the door as he disappears from sight.

Now once Jaebum is gone, I can feel the silent starts to grow louder. It’s not uncomfortable, though. I guess I never dislike silence. I continue unpacking my clothes. I just realized that apparently I brought so many clothes. It seems one closet is not enough. However, I think I can use the other closet which is supposed to be my new roommate’s, but I found out a few days ago that I won’t get a roommate. She decided not to live in the dorm, the manager said over the phone. So, now I’m roommate-­less and honestly I don’t know if I feel relieved or disappointed.

As Jaebum said, he and Junhyeok actually offered me a place in their apartment once they knew I’m accepted at Dongguk. My grandma also thinks it’s a good idea so there will be someone to take care of me since this will be my first time living in Seoul in a long time. But I know my cousins better. The one who will do the taking care is obviously me, not the other way around. I never understand why they are permitted to live together, honestly. When trouble meets trouble, it’s double trouble.

My mom, on the other hand, wants me to take college in LA and live with her instead. She always wants to live me since forever, moreover once she heard dad passed away. She also says his husband got a few connections in UCLA, so I can enter rather “easier”. That just adds another reason to refuse.

The reason I refused the two offers is not because I don’t want to live with them. Living with Jaebum and Junhyeok will be very fun, seriously. We can play xbox all night long like when we were young and it was holiday so everyone will gather together. Mom lives in a nice area in L.A. and her husband is really nice to me. I especially like to play with Youngho and Minhyung, they’re such cute kids. I’m sure I’ll be having a good time. Plus, I get to enter a really good university there.

However, I’ve made a decision. I must start my own life now, on my own, and entering college in Seoul is the first step. I… honestly I don’t know. I just want to do it alone. It’s time to be more independent. I want to figure out life. Living like how human supposed to live. Eating. Sleeping. On my own.

But just like the me on the past, I grab my iPod and start playing Yesterday by the Beatles to the highest volume, then I continue unpacking. And I swear, I could hear my dad’s voice singing along with Paul.

Yo, this is kind of a prolog, I guess. Please tell me your thought about it! I will be very happy and really motivated if you can tell me what you really think. Expect the next update to be soon!

- Valen