Of hesitation and love:

It was already in the late of November, Myungsoo thought vaguely while looking at the outside through the glassy windows of his room. The snowflakes were slowly falling from the night sky, some landed on the edge of the wall. That winter was colder than the one last year.

“What are you doing?”

Sungyeol’s voice suddenly seemed so soft and Myungsoo out of the blue had an urge to be melt into the sound. His eyes dashed back to the computer screen showing his facebook wall.

“Nope. I’m just online and talked to friends.”

“Oh…Um… So I will hang up now.”

“What?”

The shorter boy asked back in surprise, his fingers unconsciously gripped the phone tighter.

“You’re talking to your friends so guess that I shouldn’t interrupt.”

“You don’t call me just only because you miss my voice right?”

Myungsoo asked, using the slightly mocking tone to tease Sungyeol. The question had done its good job as he heard Sungyeol’s outburst:

“Geez, what do you expect me to say now? ‘Myungsoo ah, take care okay? Try to eat on time and keep yourself warm, I will be really missing you. I will wait no matter what happens.’ are what you expect right? You are just about to leave here for only one month and I know there’ll be nothing wrong with you, so there’s no way I will say something mushy. Besides…” He paused briefly: “We aren’t something either…”

The last part of Sungyeol’s sentence trailed off into a whisper tugging around the thin air and Myungsoo tried to ignore the sudden squeeze in his chest. He managed a dry laugh, along with the mocking voice:

“It’s exactly what you want to say Yeol ah. Just admit it.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you too.”

There was a brief pause between them and Myungsoo could feel that Sungyeol was hesitated, before finally saying:

“Remember to bring your coats okay? The weather has been very cold.”

Who have just said that he doesn’t care? Myungsoo thought, biting back a chuckle.

“I will only wear my sweats.”

“If you dared Myungsoo. Your teacher will certainly strangle you.”

Myungsoo laughed lightly at the lame threat Sungyeol gave him. Even when they were two streets away from each other and just talking through phones, the dark-haired boy could still be able to imagine the pout Sungyeol inattentively wore on his face, as if they were standing next to each other.

“You will come back before Christmas right?”

“Yeah, I will. So don’t mess around with anybody. You can go home with Dongwoo, but don’t go with Woohyun okay? He’s a flirt.”

And he likes you.

“You talk as if we were something…”

And Myungsoo just laughed, sincerely and warmly while imagining the faint blush on Sungyeol’s chubby cheeks.

***

The next day before the trip to Jeju islands started, Myungsoo ran quickly to Sungyeol’s classroom. To his surprise, there was no teacher in the class and he spotted his friend sitting while talking to his desk mate. Myungsoo tended to just stand outside and watch Sungyeol silently, but the other boy all of a sudden turn his head around; it didn’t take him long to notice his friend’s appearance through the windows.

“Where’s your teacher?”

Myungsoo asked as Sungyeol was going with him downstairs. The bubbly boy tilted his head aside and mumbled something about his teacher was ill so he had two free periods. They continued walking together in silence along the hall way, crossing the school yard until the moment Myungsoo saw his group stand near the school gate and a bus was slowly approaching them.

He turned around to look at Sungyeol who had stopped walking for a while. Myungsoo stared at his figure and out of the blue noticed how thin Sungyeol actually was.

“So, I will go now.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve told you not to go with anybody except Dongwoo, remember it.”

“You still have time to joke about that? Your teacher is glaring at us you know.”

Sungyeol narrowed his eyes and snapped, but the pink blush on his face couldn’t escape Myungsoo’s observation. The dark-haired boy laughed and all of a sudden brushed his fingers with his friend’s.

“Take care. Don’t be sick.”

Sungyeol muttered while averting his eyes to anything but Myungsoo’s face. The shorter boy stiffened a chuckle, nodding his head lightly:

“I know.”

***

Myungsoo finished his research and field trip in Jeju on December 20, right before Christmas Eve 4 days. He went back to Seoul on 21, and in the crowd of students and teachers coming to greet his group back to the city, Myungsoo didn’t see Sungyeol.

It wasn’t that he was disappointed. Of course he wasn’t.

Sungyeol wasn’t in his class, plus they was only good friends and even when their conversation was full of flirty talks and touches, there was nothing more than affection shared between friends. They were just, Myungsoo didn’t know, kind of playing around with each other. He wasn’t gay, Sungyeol wasn’t gay either, and they were both single and they were interested in each other, as Myungsoo found Sungyeol sincere and Sungyeol found Myungsoo kind, even though being ignorant.

21st passed, then 22nd came and went.

The 23rd passed by with Myungsoo was bombarded with project and presentation. And Sungyeol hadn’t showed up, yet.

On the night 24th, Myungsoo pulled out a small package wrapped in red paper, tied up in a silver band. His parents hadn’t come back yet, the door was locked, and either the boy or his brother had a key. And it was almost 12PM.

***

“Sungyeol ah.”

“Ye-yeah…”

“Can you come out for a while?”

“What? But it’s almost 1AM.”

“Just a little bit, please.”

Myungsoo said before hanging up. Shoving his hands deep into his pocket again, the boy stomped his feet in anxiety. His heart was thumping loudly against his ribcages for some unknown reasons Myungsoo hadn’t figured out yet. Was Sungyeol fine? How was he doing? Did he miss Myungsoo? Of course he didn’t, as the boy didn’t go and find him since the day he came back… The thought swept through Myungsoo’s body and he shivered, feeling as if his heart had sunk down to his feet.

What was he thinking, honestly? They were just friends.

Friends?

He could see the light at the doorstep was flickering opened, and in a blink Sungyeol had already stood at the entrance to his house. The boy was wrapped in an overcoat which looked a bit too big to fit him, and Myungsoo noticed that his face was paler than usual, maybe even thinner. He had lost his weight, Myungsoo believed that now.

Only at that moment did Myungsoo realize how much he had missed Sungyeol.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

The awkward silence enveloped them and Myungsoo shifted on his feet anxiously, Sungyeol was hesitated a bit, he could tell, before closing the door behind his back and approached him. Somehow Myungsoo’s heart felt like doing a leapt dance when Sungyeol finally stood next to him.

“Um, so you have come back.”

“And you haven’t seen me. Or called me.”

Myungsoo said, trying to coat the bitterness of the statement with his teasing tone. He stared at the other boy and realized that the other was blushing lightly; fingers were playing with a button of his coat:

“I just didn’t want to make a fool of myself.” He whispered: “Besides, you didn’t go and find me. You must be busy and I don’t want to make a burden.”

So that’s the point here.

Myungsoo tried to hold back a small sigh before nudging Sungyeol’s arm with his elbow. The other boy raised an eyebrow at him, but his expression quickly changed at the moment he felt Myungsoo’s hand squeezed his warmly.

“Do you miss me?”

Sungyeol nodded and all of a sudden Myungsoo had an urge to pull him into a hug. A suffocating hug.

“You should have found me. I really missed you, do you know?”

Myungsoo said with his barely audible voice, only for Sungyeol to hear. The choding rested his head lightly on his shoulders.

“I’ve thought that I couldn’t meet you this Christmas.”

He whispered. They stayed like that for a while before Myungsoo took the present from his bag. He handed it to Sungyeol and the expression the other gave him was priceless. Surprise and happiness and something else, Myungsoo couldn’t figure out by himself.

But he knew that Sungyeol was contented, and that’s all he wanted to know.

“My parents came home late so I didn’t have the key to unlock the door sooner… Well, it’s for you.”

Myungsoo had expected that Sungyeol would hop up and down excitedly, but instead a pair of shaking hands received the present from Myungsoo and Sungyeol held it tighter to his chest, lips parted slightly. The boy looked like he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how to start and Myungsoo found it kind of adorable. The choding fidgeted his eyes back and forth between Myungsoo and the present, before managing to say:

“I don’t have anything for you…”

“Huh?”

Myungsoo was no longer a 5-year-old kid, who gave a present and demanded something back, but still, the sentence took him by surprise and the boy stared at his friend in disbelief. Sungyeol was certainly the last person he expected forgot his present.

“I-I’m sorry. I forgot it somewhere I didn’t remember. I-I have tried to find but couldn’t see your gift.”

The dark-haired boy rolled his eyes mentally. Yeah, how could he forget about how much absent-minded his friend was? He eyed the other for some seconds and an idea popped up in his head out of the blue.

Teasing his friend a bit, after all, was harmless. Right?

“There’s no gift for me?”

“Yeah…”

“Aish, you really disappoint me you know. I’ve expected your present the most.”

He pouted and Sungyeol just kept silent while biting his lips.

“What will you do to make it up now?”

“Anything… No, I mean if your condition is bearable…”

“Okay, so…”

Myungsoo hummed while taking some steps closer to Sungyeol and the other boy was alarmed, quickly stepping back to allow gap between them.

“What are you doing Myungsoo?”

Sungyeol’s voice raised a bit higher than usual and Myungsoo tried to bite back his chuckle, continued with the nonchalant expression while coming closer.

“What’s wrong? I just want to punish you.”

“This is unbearable I’m telling you.”

“Since when coming closer to your friend is unbearable?”

“Since now. Do you happen to know about ‘private space’?”

“I think I have given you enough private space Sungyeol.”

Myungsoo mused as Sungyeol was finally trapped between him and the wall of his house, their knees brushed lightly with each other.

“Okay, I know your joke now Myungsoo. It’s funny, I admit. Now can you move?”

Sungyeol said after a while staring back at Myungsoo with his doe eyes. The boy noticed a hint of blush crept on his friend’s face and he looked like a real puppy now. Myungsoo chuckled lightly and leaned closer:

“Not until you receive your punishment.”

Sungyeol didn’t know why he acted like that, but had quickly squeezed his eyes shut. The taller boy’s heart thumped wildly due to the feeling of Myungsoo’s hot breath on his face, right above his upper lip.

“Yah, why are you closing your eyes?”

What?

Sungyeol opened his eyes, only to be greeted with a grinning Myungsoo who was still standing too close to him.

“I-I-I…”

“I just wanted to flick your forehead.”

“Oh oh… I see…”

Sungyeol mumbled to himself and Myungsoo raised his hand a bit to his forehead, being ready to flick his forehead. The taller boy fluttered his eyes, waiting for the hit which was supposed to be not gentle. Myungsoo was infamous for being fond of torturing others with his tease and heavy flick.

“This, is for no Christmas present for me.”

Sungyeol felt a finger pushed his forehead lightly. The action took him off guard and the boy hurriedly opened his eyes. To his surprise, Myungsoo’s still close to him. His voice barely reached his red ears:

“And this, is for forcing me to wait for you all these previous days.”

A pair of soft lips pressed gently on his and Sungyeol widened his eyes in shock. He couldn’t even blink once even when Myungsoo had pulled away and now was staring at him in amusement. His reaction reminded the shorter boy of a lost puppy, he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself.

“What’s that expression?”

He asked and noticed the tips of Sungyeol’s ears went redder than ever. The boy looked at anything but Myungsoo’s face, his eyes looked like about to cry soon.

“You’re just joking, right?”

Taken aback by Sungyeol’s words, Myungsoo asked.

“Why are you thinking I’m joking?”

“You always tease me with these kinds of jokes. I’m not a fool you know… Don’t play with me like that…”

He mumbled; lips twitched in worry.

“I’m not joking now Sungyeol. I am really not.”

“We aren’t something…”

“You want us to be something?”

“I-I…”

“Do you, Sungyeol?”

The hesitation Sungyeol usually showed had been washed way and the boy nodded frantically. Myungsoo laughed, holding the other closer again.

“Then let’s be something.”

He mumbled before closing the gap between their lips one more time. They weren’t gay, of course, but Myungsoo liked Sungyeol, and that’s the most important thing. Everything would be considered, but later because Myungsoo couldn’t care less now, except the fact that he was holding his shining star.