You were my shining star

 

“Is Heechul alright? He won’t eat much! Hyung, what should we do?”

 

“I don’t know…Siwon too…both must miss Hankyung so much…”

 

Heechul…Siwon…anyone the others are thinking of are Heechul and Siwon.

 

“They were so close”

 

As they are the only ones missing Hankyung…No wrong, it’s Han Geng now and forever.

“Eunhyuk-Ah? Come on, we have to go to the interview. Oh, and remember your extra parts, because Heechul stays at the dorm.” Leeteuk whispers softly towards me. I just stand up quietly, walk to the door, put on my shoes and coat and leave for the van, which will bring us to the studio where the Interview takes place.

I already know what we will be ask there: How do you feel after Hangeng left three months ago? Are the members alright? Do you stay in contact? What is with Heechul?

And the questions are easy to answer too. How we do feel? Well, the members are all not feeling great but most of them accepted it. It is just hard when we have to change our parts at practise and replace Hannie. Mostly the members are worried about Heechul. Siwon is a problem too but he’s getting better. Heechul…well, he won’t eat, he cries and stays in his room all the time. And no, we don’t have any contact to the chinaman right now, because we have to get used to this situation first.

But you forget someone…ME! I’m not happy, I’m not feeling well, I’m crying all the time! What? You don’t believe me? It isn’t surprising me…nobody knows about it…

They are all blind…

 

“I saw Heechul right now…he really looks terrible. What should we do Kyu?”

 

There it comes again…The others don’t want to see my face without the tons of makeup and the sunglasses on it. I have to laugh bitterly. No, why should they care? I was ‘just’ Hankyung’s Dongsaeng who practised dancing with him a lot, never fought, helped him with his Korean and always listened and comforted him if he missed China or had problems with Heechul. For what?

“Eunhyuk and Hankyung aren’t that close!”

Why? Just because we don’t let the whole world know it? Just because we don’t hold hands or eat each other’s faces in every possible moment? I really don’t understand the public and in this time I don’t even understand my members. I’m sad, angry and mostly disappointed that they don’t realize how I feel for three months.

But mainly…I’m sad…I miss Hangeng so so much!

I want to hear his voice but at the same time I’m scared. Scared that he doesn’t want to talk to me because he left. Scared that he hates me because I didn’t realize how he felt until it was too late. Of course I noticed that he wasn’t feeling well and that he was often sad and missed China but he didn’t talk to me about it. All he said was “I’m fine. You’re here so how can I not be happy?!”

How was I supposed to know?

And I’m scared that he may break his promise:

“Hyung loves Eunhyuk forever!”

But definitely I won’t break my promise. I love him and that will never change. I tried though…I thought because he left he didn’t love me anymore. But I can’t stop loving him…

My love only grows every day, because I want to see him more every day. Every day I realize more how much I need him. Need him to let me love him. Need him to love me…

 

The interview turned out to be what I expected. “How can they say things like that? They know how we feel so how can they say that Hangeng betrayed us?!” An angry Donghae shouts after we left the stage. The others agree and our leader tries to calm them down. I stay quiet and change my clothes. Hangeng didn’t betray us, did he? No, that couldn’t be. He still loves us, right? I don’t know why, but I get an unsure feeling about that…I want to slap myself for that thought.

But why did he leave? All those moments we had together – do they mean nothing to him?

I sigh and follow my members back in the van.  We don’t have more on our schedule and I’m glad about that. I’m tired but it’s only 6 pm. I don’t sleep well. There are many nights when I wake up crying after I dreamed of a moment with Hangeng but then he suddenly disappeared. After that I can’t sleep again.

 

We arrive at our dorm and I want to go to my room right after I entered the hall but I stop completely surprised.

Heechul stands in the living room besides a table full of food and sweets. We all look at him surprised. “I can’t cook so I ordered something. I…I just thought you may be hungry.”

It was quiet for some seconds but then all the members run to Heechul and hug him. I smile and join the group hug. I feel an arm caressing my back and look up to meet Chullies gaze. He looks at me worryingly and I look away fast. I can feel his caring gaze on me. He seems to understand me…of course he does. He is the only one who knows how close I am to Hangeng.

But it’s too late. My problems grew too much. The members can’t heal wounds after they changed to scars. So I don’t want them to know…they would only be sad and sorry for me…I don’t want and don’t need that.

After some minutes we release Heechul and sit down at the table. Everyone begins to eat and so do I. Ten minutes and four plates with food later I stand up and announce that I will go to the bathroom first. Everyone just nods – they are used to it.

I leave the room and enter the bathroom. Unfortunately, the lock of the door is broken so I can’t lock it. The members don’t want to see what will happen next.

I kneel down in front of the toilet and sigh. I don’t want it either…but I can’t control it anymore. Then I put my fingers in my mouth. It hurts…it hurts so much. Not only physically but also mentally. The first tears escape my eyes as I throw up for the first time. I cough hardly but put them in again. But I don’t get to throw up another time.

 

The door opens fast and a shocked Heechul looks at me with tears of sadness rolling down his cheeks.

“Hyukkie…no, why? Please stop!” I look at him desperately before I break down in tears. Right after, my Hyung kneels down beside me and pull me into a strong embrace. “H…Han…Hannie…I am sorry, Heechul-Hyung!” I sob in his chest but he shakes his head. “No, it’s my fault. I’m the one who should have taken care of you in this hard time. And I failed…I am so sorry, my baby!” I cry even harder after his woeful words and cling to him more.

We stay like this for some minutes and then Heechul stands up and pulls me up too. He leads me to the sink and orders me to wash my face. He cleans up the toilet and then takes me to his room and pushes me on his bed. Then he closes the door and sits down beside me. It’s quiet for a while.

 

“How long?” Heechul asks with a sigh. “For…one and a half month. Before I just started eating much more but then…I can’t control it, Hyung…but it helps me to forget the pain for a moment.” Heechul looks at me with sad eyes and hugs me again. “I’m so sorry…You know, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Of course I knew that the others we hurt too, but I just saw me. I only saw my pain and thought that the others don’t understand my feelings. I missed my best friend like hell. But...- “

He breaks up as his voice gets shaky again and the next tears roll over his cheeks. I hug him harder.

“But that’s no excuse…it’s my fault…I can’t believe I didn’t notice how thin you got. How tired you look and are. I didn’t notice your physic and mental constitution. I feel so sorry! Today I came out because…as you were at the interview…Hankyung called me.” Heechul stops and waits for my reaction.

Hankyung called him? Hankyung? I guess because Heechul doesn’t want to let him go that he still calls him Hankyung. But…Hangeng called him? I’m happy but at the same time disappointed. So Hangeng called Heechul but not me?

My Hyung seems to read my thoughts. “Don’t be disappointed. Hannie asks me about you. How you are feeling and if you would be in a condition to talk to him.”

I look at Heechul with big eyes.

“Then I noticed my behaviour. I couldn’t answer any of his questions besides ‘How are you feeling?’ That’s why I came out. I’m so sorry…I think, I think because of the situation, that you two are so close, was a bit new…that I forgot it. I only saw his and mine eight years of friendship and not your one-year-old closeness…I am so so sorry! I’m such a horrible Hyung!” Heechul sobs.

I look at me feet and sigh. “No…Hyung…don’t be like this. I love you as my Hyung and I understand you. It’s my own fault. You aren’t a horrible Hyung! Please don’t say that! You’re one of my most precious Hyungs, along with Teukkie-Hyung and Han -