Jinyoung had met him in the November of his second year at the medical school, he worked at the local Starbucks and went to a liberal arts school nearby where he studied singing; he said he needed the money for “extra expenses” which Jinyoung felt referred only to food and music albums.

His name was Junghwan and he was a freshman, and was everything you didn’t expect a singer would be. His cheeks were puffy and his body was chubby, he was on the short side too, and he didn’t carry that aura of elegance that Jinyoung expected to see in people who were so serious about singing that they were studying it. Junghwan was all happiness and silliness and laughter, and Jinyoung was so fond of his smile that we started visiting Starbucks three times a week and then everyday he knew Hwannie would be there.

Hwannie.

He loved to call him that, also Hwan when it was more serious, and Junghwan when he was mad. But he was never mad at him, so he only called him that those first days they were getting to know each other. That day Jinyoung was sitting at the bar while reading some documents about bacteria while Junghwan was finishing his shift, the place wasn’t that crowded and the other employees were used to see him there, sitting there for hours, so nobody bothered him or asked him to leave. Junghwan stole sips of his chocolate occasionally, Jinyoung didn’t like chocolate, he was more of a dark coffee kind of guy, but his friend loved sweet things and whipped cream drove him crazy, so he started ordering it every time. Junghwan didn’t know anything about this.

All honest, Junghwan didn’t know anything about anything. He was so clueless, his Hwannie. He probably didn’t even know he thought of him as his Hwannie, for a start.

But he was willing to give him some more time to figure it out.

“I’m almost ready” said Junghwan leaning on the bar to read his papers, then he tried a cocky smile -it didn’t work that much, but Jinyoung still liked it- and asked “Mind if I finish it?”

“Just like every time I come here” he smiled “Sure, finish it, you glutton”

“I’m not like that” Junghwan whined.

“Do you want to come over to have pizza?” the thinnest boy asked.

“Sure!” the barista smiled.

“Glutton” Jinyoung laughed “It’s okay though, I like it”

Junghwan wasn’t listening to him, he was untying his apron, ready to go to Jinyoung’s dorm, that, thank god, was his and only his. They spent nights there singing and playing the guitar and eating as much as they could, Hwannie always left late (or early?) but he never slept there. Not that Jinyoung ever asked him too, he had only one bed after all, and Jinyoung was smart enough to know that not because he felt “something” (whatever it was, he didn’t want to think about it) for him it meant that his friend felt something similar, too. It was true that Jinyoung became Junghwan’s most precious friend in the span of a few months, it was true that they shared a deep bond, but that didn’t mean anything. For instance, they never arranged meetings, Jinyoung was always there when his friend had to work, and they spent some time together after that, but they never met on other occasions, they never went out to have dinner and Jinyoung didn’t know if Junghwan ever had to sing in public for an exam, and if he had, he didn’t know why he was never invited. Maybe they weren’t that close.

But that didn’t seem like a sensible option. Jinyoung felt the closeness, and he knew that Junghwan felt it, too.

“Shall I help you with those?” Jinyoung asked when he say his friend carrying four big garbage bags.

“No, it’s ok”

“I’ll be waiting outside”

A few minutes later the chubby boy came out the store and leaned on his shoulder, his breathing was a little heavy, he was a lot more agitated than he should’ve been for only having carried some bags.

“Is your asthma giving you trouble?” Jinyoung asked, worried.

He discovered he was asthmatic only a couple weeks before, when he started jumping up and down at the sight of a cake Jinyoung bought for him. He got too agitated and asked him for his inhalator, which Jinyoung didn’t even know existed until that moment.

Junghwan gave him a small nod as he tried to breathe normally, Jinyoung looked for it inside his bag and found it between loose sheets of paper and candy wrappers.

“Breathe deeply” he told him as he patted his back gently “You get hyperventilated too easily”

“It’s because I ran” the youngest said smiling shyly.

“Let’s walk slowly then” Jinyoung proposed “stop ignoring your breathing problems”

“I don’t ignore them” Junghwan complained “It’s only that I don’t think about them”

“Then do”

“You’re no fun” he said, but he was smiling.

“I’m enough fun to keep you around, am I not?”

“I’m easy to please” Hwan said teasingly.

“I bet” Jinyoung said, but he was sorry as that he said it, because after that the silence got awkward and too long for them to bear, their shoulders collided with each other but they still said nothing.

Finally, they got to his dorm, and Jinyoung didn’t know if he was relieved to be in a closed space or if that would only make things more uncomfortable.

“I’m going to call for, you know the pizza” he told his friend, who was standing there in the middle of the room as if he had never been there before.

“Sure”

“You can check the minibar if you’re hungry” Jinyoung offered “I don’t know if I have anything you like but…”

Bull, he knew perfectly fine he had Junghwan’s favorite puddings, he knew it because he had bought them on purpose. He needed to stop lying to himself and to everyone involved (to Junghwan, he needed to stop lying to Junghwan).

When he finished dialing the number of the pizza shop he saw the boy kneeling in front of the fridge and picking up two puddings. Surely none of them were for sharing with him.

Junghwan sat on his bed and started eating while he waited for Jinyoung, he seemed small and lost, but the more Jinyoung looked at him the more at home he seemed to feel. People at the store weren’t answering the phone, so he just hung up. Junghwan didn’t seem to notice.

“So… how’s school going?” Wow, what kind of question was that? What was he, his aunt?

“Fine” his friend answered, and his eyes came to life when he remembered something “I have this, I don’t know if it’s a recital or what, but we have this thing where some of us are going to sing and I know medical school is busy and all but maybeyouwannacome?” He said the last words very quickly.

“That would be great, Hwan” Jinyoung told him, his candid eyes fixed on Junghwan’s plump lips “I thought you were never going to invite me to one”

“I thought of inviting you a few times befommhre mmhh” he was busy with the puddings, but Jinyoung was patient “Hyung these are so good, I’m so glad you like them”

“You can have them all if you want to” he said distractedly “but hey, what were you saying about inviting me?”

“Oh yes” Junghwan looked at him happily, he had a chocolate stain on his chin “I thought of doing it a few times but I told myself “Why would he want to come? He listens to you singing quite a lot” so I never did it and I really don’t know why I’m doing it now because you must be fed up of it but we never spend too much time together and-“

“Why would I be fed up? I love your voice and playing the guitar for you”

Junghwan’s face went expressionless in the middle of his sentence, but changed to a slightly disappointed one by the time he finished talking.

“What happened?”

“I thought you were going to say… I mean, forget it” he murmured and tried to get more pudding for an already empty cup.

“You wanted me to say something?”

“I say forget it hyung, really” his chest was already moving faster, so he either was hyperventilating or tired. Jinyoung settled for the first one.

“You wanted me to say that I love you?” he tried. His hand reached for Junghwan’s.

“That’s absolutely not funny” he was mad, and then he added “hyung”

“I’m not joking, you’re the funny one around here”

Jinyoung got his finger dirty with pudding and stained his friend’s lips. The boy shivered to the touch, but never stopped looking at him.

“You’re dirty”

“I-“ he was breathing more heavily now, Jinyoung ignored it.

“Let me help you with that”

His lips encountered the other boy’s, and he the pudding out of them softly, so Junghwan would feel it, he was reaching for the stain on his chin and approaching the boy soft love handles when his (now his for sure) Hwan started having one of his episodes.

It took him too long to realize, by the time he let go of Junghwan the boy was already getting all purple and could barely breathe.

Jinyoung stood up quickly to look for the bag, but there was nowhere to be found and Junghwan was getting him all nervous with the weird noises that came out of his throat.

. There was no time to look for the goddamned inhalator.

“I’m a medical student” he told himself “Get your together, Jung Jinyoung”

CPR was the answer, mouth to mouth breathing, whatever might give Junghwan a little wind. He wasn’t sure those things would work (why was he forgetting everything just now??) but he had no better ideas and Hwannie was… no, he wasn’t dying.

He placed his hands on his chest and started doing the thing. How was the rhythm? Oh, it.

Mouth to mouth was the answer.

He didn’t think for a single minute that he was kissing him, he only wanted him alive, and as he tried to give him the oxygen he needed it crossed his mind that maybe it wasn’t a good idea. It was the kiss that provoked all of it after all. But this wasn’t kissing, this was saving him.

After what felt like hours -because really, one thing was practicing with a doll and another completely different thing was actually doing on someone who was dying-, Jinyoung felt Junghwan breathe a little slower. He started coughing.

“Hyun- aghh, Hyu-“ he couldn’t stop coughing, Jinyoung started massaging his chest drawing circles on it.

“Take it easy, Hwan” Jinyoung said softly, but he wasn’t focusing, his hand drifted away from his chest to his tummy, before he noticed it, Junghwan was breathing regularly and his fingers were playing with his belly fat.

“How could I???? You kissed me!!”

Jinyoung’s hand froze in place.

“I thought you wanted me to” he said, starting to regret it.

“I wanted you to, yes. But you should’ve warned me! I could’ve died!”

“I thought the pudding on your lips was a clue big enough” the oldest replied, laughing.

“It wasn’t! How was I supposed to know?!”

Jinyoung relaxed, his hand stated caressing Junghwan’s belly button again “You’re so clueless, Hwannie”

“I’m not”

“You’re not? Then… you must know perfectly fine what I’m thinking about doing now”

Junghwan looked away “Maybe” he said softly as Jinyoung’s hand explored under his shirt. It was so soft and warm Jinyoung thought he could caress it forever.

“I’m going to kiss you, don’t freak out. I don’t want you to die just yet”

“Very funny” Junghwan said, and then Jinyoung’s lips were on his once again, but this time, Junghwan knew what to do, and he started kissing back, shyly at first, roughly later.  Jinyoung went for his neck.

Junghwan tried not to moan, but he was so loud… he could never be quiet when he needed to.

“That’s adorable” Jinyoung told him when he finally gave up, he meant it, too “Please don’t refrain yourself”

“Stop teasing, hyung”

“I’m not” Jinyoung said while his fingers tried to the tight jeans Junghwan was wearing “It’s not teasing if I have the intention of getting it done”

Junghwan bit his ear.

“We’re going to make love, Hwannie, don’t freak out, remember that I want you alive”

The youngest of the two reached for the night light and turned it off. He left a hickey on his hyung’s collarbone in the very moment the other boy was done ing his pants.