When it arrived to my residence, I immediately feel the sorest pain igniting every piece of my body, as I truly discover the sender of the wedding invitation. I feel utterly weak and sick; I can no longer sustain my body as I end up falling to the wooden stage. My fingertips are wobbly while barely holding the edge of the invitation, and my tongue is numb while reading the words slowly, painfully, one by one. And as the clock ticks and my chest feels hotter with each of its invisible punch, tears helplessly escape from my eyes, wetting both of my reddened cheeks.

That maroon gold, luxurious looking invitation was sent to invite me to the marriage of someone whom I thought I was going to marry with. He once meant the world to me, I was once meant the world to him; he was my whole world, he was my light, he was the love of my life. That explains why when it was sent to me, I truly feel my whole world falls apart to the endless hole of darkness.

I can no longer breathe as I cry out in a broken heart helplessly; I don’t even care at all later when the neighbors finally discover a grown-up woman crying in front of her own house. I don’t think I have ever felt this painful before, especially when we were still together.

But I deserve this. It was my entire fault, all because of my selfishness. It is my fault for not holding on longer. But was I wrong if it is because I don’t want to make it hard for him to let me go? It is my fault for not being strong. But was I wrong if it is because I want him to be stronger? It is my fault for giving up too early. But was I wrong if leaving him was done just to make him find anyone better than me? I guess, it is only my fault for being such a coward who did not want to face the bitter reality.

The blames are all on me, not him. All of these are my entire fault, not his. I was too selfless that I only thought about his feelings, not mine. I deceive my own eyes in the image of the invulnerable me, when it is totally the opposite. Whoever’s fault those were all, the sufferings are all now on my shoulder. If only I haven’t done that at first, all of these would not be as devastating. I left him broken once, and now he is wrecking me even worse.

One year ago

I waited alone in this luxurious restaurant in which I would never be able to afford alone to eat here. Everyone around me looked so classy and all with their expensive clothes and designer-made purses enameled with glossy precious stones, while I looked so dull with my clothes from work; I never cared about my appearances anyway. The gold colored chandelier hanged at the center of the room elegantly, lighted the whole room with its calming shine, made the room even warmer with its cream-colored wallpaper cloaked the entire wall.

Although the restaurant was nice, I did not care about my surroundings at the moment, all I cared was today was the day. I sighed heavily, thinking about it all again. I had decided that it was the best thing I could do for the sake of both of us. But I had this doubt since the first time I had fully decided it personally: would I have the power and the courage to do this? I never knew until I overcame it, but it felt so hard already while thinking of it. Thus when from the entrance I already saw him coming through, I immediately became uneasy, a lot more than before. But no matter what, I had to get through this because this was for us, for our happiness.

“Hey, baby.” He came towards me as he gave me a quick peck on the cheek which still made my heart skipped a beat, and then he quickly made his way to his seat. I was nervous, but I became more nervous to see him looking hot as always, like I was just his girlfriend for a week.  “Sorry I was late; a secretary messed up really bad with the financial report, so I had to be there to tutor her for a while to correct the report here and there. The stock holder meeting is around next week, it has to be finished as soon as possible.”

“So, you are finished now?” I asked him lightly, looking as cool as possible, even though my heart beat up really fast from the things caught up on my tongue, left unspoken.

“Not yet.” He said, while he took a look at the menu at the table and flipping some pages. Of course I was confused why he left before finishing his work; he held an absolutely decisive part in his company after all. When he realized that I was staring at him with pursed eyebrows looking confused, he immediately corrected while smiling sweetly. “Just because, you are still my first priority.”

He then continued looking at the menu. Guiltiness punched me hard in the chest, making me breathless. He loved me so much and I loved him much more. He might be rich and I was nothing at all, but all my love for him was pure and I had never loved him for money. He was the only one in my life, and I swore, I never felt this attached before to anyone; even with my previous partners.

Meeting him was probably one of the best days in my life that I could never forget. I was just a secretary from his client’s company when we first met, and we always caught ourselves looking at each other for many times as we smiled shyly to each other like teenagers who were madly in love, but yes, we were. Things went more serious next when he asked for my number, which made my boss quite shocked. Then we met for several times in expensive places like this, and indeed, he was the one who paid. It went like this for a few months, before he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, kind of a proposal. And after that, we were so much in love.

I smiled involuntarily reminiscing how sweet he was when we just got to know each other. Words he had said, things we had done, places we had gone; it just made me much, much happier to remember those. I had never done them with anyone and I didn’t think I would do them with anyone in the future, because all I ever think about was him.

But then the sudden realization woke me up bitterly. Yes he loved me so much, that was why I encouraged myself to do the bravest thing, I was leaving him. He was the only one I loved, that was why I was letting him go. I knew it was such a selfish decision to do, because I would hurt him very much by doing so. But I loved him much more, and if I insisted to stay, he would be hurt a lot more.

I didn’t want him to suffer by leaving him; I never wanted him to suffer at all. But then again I had to be reminded painfully by the realization, that he would be much better off without me. Yes I would leave him broken hearted at first, maybe for weeks or months after. But I believe he would find someone who was able to substitute me easily. Women like me are easy to find, he would get his happiness back anytime.

I loved him so much; he did everything for me with things I could never pay. But this was the best thing I could do for him so that he would not be in an endless pain. He deserved better, much better than me. He didn’t deserve a woman who hurt her and yes, I had to hurt him for this very moment. I had to say it to him for the sake of us, for his happiness.

“Jungkook.” I called him softly who was still busy looking at the menu, after fully collecting my courage. I dared to look at him in the eyes with my controlled expression of a total jerk.

“Yes, darling?” he lifted his head and smiled sincerely. My will was weakened by his smile as I could no longer look at him, but I rather looked down at my thighs.

“I asked to meet you because I want to ask you a favor.” I uttered nervously, while my sweaty palms were holding the sides of the chair tightly. I was nervous that I would fail, that I would end up crying and sadden him even more to tell him the truth.

“What is it?” he looked concerned from how he talked. Just from his words, I knew he was deep in love with me. I kept myself silent for seconds because I couldn’t continue to talk when I was about to hurt someone who loved me this much. I was no longer guilty, but more of feeling broken. He then asked me again with his softest voice that I always loved. “Hyeyun, are you okay?”

“Jungkook.” I controlled my face to look numb as if I never cared, even though my heart was pounding real fast from my heart which was breaking, and my eyes were dried from the tears I had tried to hold back since hours ago. He looked at me with concern and once again, love; while I looked at him with a cold heart like I never really loved him at the first place. I never deserved a man this perfect.  “I want to break up.”

His mouth was agape from shock and I could see sadness started to overfill his beautiful brown eyes. He was hurt. I didn’t want to see him hurt a lot more if I pushed myself to be beside him. So I looked down once again.

“Baby,” he immediately held my hands tight as he could finally say something. “Please tell me you’re joking. And if you are, it’s not funny.” He said as he shook his head, encouraging me that I was really joking.

No, Jungkook, I wasn’t. All I want is to make you better, because you’re better off without me. I went to my plan again to look like a total heartless , and looked like I didn’t care at all while actually he was the only one I ever cared about. “No, I wasn’t.” I shook my head lightly while I let go of those soft hands, and looked at him in the eyes. “How poor you, Jungkook. You fell into my sweet trap, honey.” I said as I left out a chuckle, because I thought I could no longer hold my voice grim without sounding shaky.

“What do you mean?” he was confused, disbelieving what I just said.

“What would I, an ordinary girl whose financial life is never stable from the day she was born, target from a rich man who is the only son of a huge company’s owner?” I uttered such harsh words. I saw him hurt, and it broke me apart too.

“No, baby, I believe you weren’t like the girls I had ever been up in the past.” He sternly believed so. Yes Jungkook, I wasn’t like the others who loved you for money; I loved you just for who you really were.

I fell in to the act even more as I mockingly laughed at him. “How innocent you are, my sweet little thing.” I laughed once again as I saw him shocked, unable to speak more. “And that’s all I guess, I’m leaving.” I said as I stood up and walked to the door quickly before I actually burst into tears. I heard his hurried steps, and he then immediately caught me on the wrist.

“Please just tell me that this isn’t true.” He said once again with sad eyes, tears were starting to gather on the corner of his eyes. I had never seen him this broken, I had never once seen him with tears at all, and it was all because of me. “Because, Jung Hyeyun, I am totally in love with you.”

How I wanted to tell the whole world, that I loved him more that he would ever know. He truly loved me and I truly loved him, but I was the one who hurt him the most. I never deserved him at the first place. He had given me so many things I could never pay, while he owed me nothing. He deserved someone who could give him the world.

I then held back my feelings for a while, encouraging myself not to fail in my own act, and I moved my other arm and slapped him.

“We’re over.”

I said coldly as I quickly stepped out of the scene, and when I arrived at the outside, immediately broke down to tears that I had held for so long. I fell on my feet, hugging my knees tightly. I was so sorry to myself for being such a coward, for not being able to tell him the truth.

And at the moment he didn’t come out to stop me again, and I guessed he had had enough of me and that was okay. It was what I wanted in the first place, but as the wind blew the cold breeze; I kind of wished he was running to me. I waited for a few minutes as tears endlessly flowed through my eyes, but he never came out at all.

This was my decision, the thing I decided at the first place. I wanted him to hate me by leaving him this bawdy, because I didn’t want it to be hard for him to forget me. I wiped the tears off as I stood up, ready to leave although tears were still swiftly flowing from my eyes; I had to be strong. And as the first snow fell to my palms, I whispered to the coldness, “I love you, Jeon Jungkook.” Then I left him alone, and broken.

“I’m afraid to tell that it’s tinnitus.” The doctor sighed hopelessly after muttering the words I could never forget. The unknown words, which later I wished would never be pointed toward me.

“What is that?” I slightly puckered my eyes, wondering what that means with full of worries. The doctor looked anxious, maybe as anxious as I was. I could see he gulped and his lips awkwardly for a few times already.

He stared at me for a long five seconds, before he put his glasses down. The doctor hardly took a deep breath, as he then began to speak entirely with low voice. “The symptoms are buzzing sounds in your ears, followed by major hearing loss, though not entirely. It usually doesn’t last long but you will constantly experience the short symptoms, maybe it will be even longer.” I felt relieved but he actually gave a long pause to continue his explanation. He slightly glanced at me then he looked down, breaking off the eye contact. “And at the end, it will be like that forever.”

I couldn’t say a word; I couldn’t find a way to talk. My lips parted its way numbly and all I did was staring blindly at the wall. I perfectly knew what that meant, as I blinked for a few times in disbelief. Tears started to dwell on my eyes, in which I died trying to hold back.

“I’m sorry; I know it’s hard to accept.” The doctor uttered guiltily. Perhaps because he had seen that my eyes were red at the moment, and I couldn’t speak a thing.

“So you’re saying that I’m going to be deaf?” I asked shakily as a tear escaped from my eye hopelessly. Then, tears flowed swiftly down through; I couldn’t hold it any much longer.

“Like I said, not entirely. But most of it.” He answered calmly, but I could see his eyes which were full of concern and guiltiness which wasn’t caused by him.

“H-how can you help?” I inquired more, almost whispering. I was barely able to talk louder, because breathing already felt like a torture at the moment.

“The only way is to wear hearing aid, maybe some medical actions to slacken and lessen the effect. But I’m sorry, I’m afraid that it can’t fully recover your hearing ability. It’s just to increase it by few percent.”

I jolt up awake, gasping for air. Even though it happened more than a year ago, it is still precisely vivid in my memories. Every detail, every single thing

I quitted the company where I worked as a secretary for three years. My boss was considerate; he fully accepted my decision without even asking for further explanation. I simply just told him that there were personal problems I needed to get over. He looked utterly sad, because he always praised me as the best secretary he ever hired. Although he was kind and he liked me as his helper, I wouldn’t think he would accept a secretary with such disability like mine. That was why I left.

I changed my phone number, without telling any of neither my friend nor my acquaintances. I left them without words, leaving a bad impression at my disappearance. They were all nice people, which were why I didn’t want them to think of me. I didn’t want them to pity me out of my loss; I didn’t want people to take care of me too much. That was why I left.

And about two months after I was pronounced sick, my hearing rapidly decreased by 85%. Although wearing hearing aid helps a lot, it still isn’t entirely the same as it was. Communicating was hard, it was a burden for me for people to keep repeating what they said while talking slowly and loudly. I thought I was useless, for making a hard time for people around me; especially when I move back to live with my mother and sister again because I was just making their life harder. When I finally learned how to use the sign language, and people around me did too, it got easier and I could finally get my confidence back; with a lot of support from my family.

Although I could no longer work as a normal person, as I already quit the company I worked at although I finally got a job as a freelance writer to a newspaper. My new acquaintances there are so considerate; they helped me a lot to get through this. What I love the most is my boss doesn’t differentiate me because of what I don’t have; he makes me forget about it sometimes. If he’s angry, he will yell at me. He won’t hold himself back, just because I am deaf.

But when everything I let go is starting to fall back to its original place, there is still a huge hollow spot somewhere in my soul.

I try my best to look around me. My eyes are still hazy but I recognize that my sister is sitting beside me, looking with full concern. I realize that I passed out after reading the invitation to Jungkook’s wedding. If only I could close my heart from things I didn’t want to feel; because that is all I want at the moment. My heart punches really hard as I recall the words over and over again, written with maroon ink over the golden paper. My chest feels as if it is going to burst out of my ribs any time soon, and I am dying to try to restrain myself from crying.

I am utterly hurt, but I don’t want my sister to see I’m at the point where I’m at my weakest. I glance at her, and I see her writing on her pocket note. I sigh as I try to sit down weakly, trying to get a hold of myself. I’m entirely drained; I can’t even get up fast. It’s because I am totally vulnerable, and even at this time, I’m still trying to control my tears from escaping helplessly.

“You fainted in front of the house. The neighbors found you on the floor and brought you inside before calling me from work.” After finished writing, she shows me the note while talking. I can hear her voice slightly as moved, though it’s not clear at all because I didn’t wear my hearing aid. I bet she is saying what she wrote.

I just nod at her while exhaling heavily. I then sign with the sign language, “Thank you.” As I smile genuinely to my caring sister that has been so patient while helping me with this condition.

I feel thankful to my sister every day. But today, I feel utterly guilty. She went home from work after hearing the news that I passed out, she really cares so much about me. If only I could just get over my feelings over Jungkook, this wouldn’t happen. I have troubled her so much with my weakness; I didn’t want to trouble her more because I couldn’t move on from Jungkook selfishly.

“I’m sorry.” I mouth to her, while heavily sighing.

I look at her again who just finished writing her second note. “It’s okay as long as you’re okay. Mother is waiting for you at the backyard.” And after stating that, she then walks out of my room.

I nod to myself while sighing in disappointment, disappointment in myself. My mother came home from work too after hearing the news; I must have worried her very much. The last time she ‘waited’ for me in the backyard was months ago, when my hearing dropped. But what I can never forget is how she cried so hard, how hurt she looked; it just hurt me so much more.

She knows, even my sister knows, that I still can’t get over how I truly feel to Jungkook. At this time my mother must have discovered the invitation to Jungkook’s wedding, as it lies on the floor where I lost my consciousness. And from what I can guess, she will cry again because of my sadness, selfish sadness.

After putting my hearing aid, I get off my bed. Even though my body feels utterly weak, and my feet are wobbly; the image of my mother crying because of me makes me even sadder. I have to come to my mother to make sure everything’s alright, convince her that I can get over my feeling, and stop her tears; even though it’s all lies that I will tell.

When I get down the stairs, I can’t see her through the glass door. The beige curtains cover most of it. I take a deep breath, I am preparing my heart to get ready to face my mother with full of guiltiness. I breath in, breath out nervously for the nth time, as I open the door that leads to the backyard.

My backyard is suddenly something I don’t recognize as my own. It is full of decorations here and there, under the maroon and gold tents covered the yard. And it is also full of people, and I recognize all of them one by one. My friends from my old university, my co-workers from the old company where I worked at, my neighbors from my old apartment, even my boss is also filling crowds. I also recognize my mother and my sister are standing almost in the center.

But, he is standing there; Jeon Jungkook is standing in the center there amongst the crowds. For a second, I thought he isn’t real, before he finally smiles at me like how he used to, full of veracious love. The crowds become faceless; it feels as if the world revolves around both of us.

Tears begin to dwell on my eyes as he started to open up the huge papers he holds, in which actually a line of poem is written there on each paper.

Come to me whole:

Your flaws, your scars

Everything you consider imperfect

Let me tell you what I see

I see stars in your eyes

I see fire igniting your skin

You’re not perfect

Neither am I

People aren’t supposed to be flawless

They’re supposed to make you feel something

And you have made me feel

The feeling the whole world envies

Love

Each time he opens the paper, tears fall from my eyes even harder. My cheeks are now all wet. I feel breathless because of my tears of happiness. I thought I would never be happy ever again.

When I supposed he is already finished, he finally steps out from his original spot, closer to me. I only stand there with unstoppable tears when we’re only about a foot apart, as I realize that he is also full of tears, but with a lovely smile on his face.

He then gets down on his knees. “Will you marry me?” At last, he signs the last words with sign language before taking out a ring from her blazer’s pocket.

And the empty hole of my heart is finally filled, with the person who once left it vacant.