Dear Diary,

        I miss the feeling of having him next to me. He was busy, I know. But he never made the effort to call, or even text me after our fight. Our biggest fight yet.

         He changed. He was no longer the sweet, caring and romantic Woohyun I was accustomed to. He turned cocky, arrogant, and so full of himself and his group. Don’t get me wrong, though. INFINITE is not bad as a group. In fact, they’re really good. It’s just his attitude that bothers me so much.

         We have been married for two years. We were so in love back then. Now, even those three words were hard to hear. On television, when asked about me, he always avoids answering. I even asked him before he left for Japan, “Why do you never answer those questions about me?”

         He rolled his eyes at me. “My fans will get jealous.”

         I had to scoff. “So they’re more important than me? I’m your wife, Nam Woohyun. Just wanted to remind you that. You had no problems announcing it then, so why are you acting like this?”

         “They brought me fame. It’s not like you can do anything like that. They worship me.”

         I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, which led us to the fight.

         No matter how much he changed, I still love him. I still care. I cried every day, I cried every night. I couldn’t sleep, our argument replaying in my head.

         If he looked at me now, I’m sure he’d say, “You look like crap.”

         If he didn’t change, then he’d say, “You’re pretty when you have tears in your eyes, but you’d look beautiful if you smile.”

         This isn’t good. Why am I acting like this? To think of it, why am I the one suffering when he doesn’t even give a damn?

         It’s because you love him so much, idiot.

         What should I do? Maybe, just maybe, we’re not meant to be. Maybe there’s a girl out there, better than me, for him.

         Perhaps I should just take a break from him. I’ll just secretly leave and see if he cares. What do you think, diary? Should give him a chance? Should I leave?

 

         I left the same day he was going back from Japan. I told my APink sisters about my decision. They were infinitely worried, but still respected my decision. After all, I am their leader.

         I went to my grandfather’s grave just after I left the house. He passed away because of a disease and had been the one who walked me down the aisle.

         “Harabeoji, I missed you,” I sat down, hugging my grandfather’s tombstone as if it was him I was hugging and broke into tears.

         I spent hours bawling my eyes out while telling him about how my marriage had been.

 

         It has been months since Chorong left. Most of her things were still here, including her diary. The last few entries made me cry and realise a lot of things.

         I should have known she was leaving. I was such an idiotic jerk. I didn’t go search for her, I was too ashamed of myself. I can’t even call myself her husband.

         I was blinded by fame.

        The members and managers found out about the situation and I was excused from my busy schedule. I didn’t even want to face them, since I look horrible at the moment.

         I cried ever single time I was reminded of her, which was plenty, considering every angle of the house had something related to her.

         The house was in a mess. I never did the dishes nor did I wash my clothes. I can’t even remember the last time I took a nice long shower.

         I sat on the couch in the living room, just like every other night, waiting her to come back.

         On some days, I would just stare at our pictures together. Our memories were playing back to back in my mind. There was one photo that I cherished so much that it never left my grasp. It was a picture of our first date.

         Our first date was nothing extravagant. It wasn’t that I couldn’t afford to buy anything, but both of us being rising idols made it impossible for us to go out without a scandal breaking out.

         We spent the whole day at the park in our hometown, enjoying each other’s presence.

         I missed her so much. I want to hear her voice, her angelic voice. I want to hug her and kiss the top of her head. I want to see her smile. I want to caress her long, soft hair. I want to be able to say those three words I missed saying to her. I just want her back.

 

         I decided to call her. She was most probably not going to answer but who knows. I dialed her number with my phone, a set of numbers I memorised by heart, and waited for her to answer.

         As expected, it went straight to voicemail. I left a message for her, hoping she would hear me out.

 

         Months passed since I lived at an old friend’s house. I was hoping that Woohyun would come in and take me away but I was wrong.

         Our marriage is hopeless. I knew it. He doesn’t even love me anymore.

 

         He called me. My phone was out of batteries, so he left me a message. As I pressed play, his voice that I missed was heard.

         “Chorong-ah, I miss waking up to your face. I miss having random meals at night with you. I miss your cooking. I miss your nagging. I miss everything about you. I loved you then and I still do. I’m willing to do anything to make you come back. I’d die for you. I love you so much, it hurts.”

         His voice sounded different. It was full of hurt and guilt. The sincerity was there. Should I go back?

 

         I was on my way to our house— Yes, I decided to go back. I initially wanted Woohyun to come after me but after his call, I was dying to meet him.

         I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate, so I checked who had called.

         “Hoya?” I mumbled.

         “Chorong-ah, I went to visit Woohyun and I saw him passed out on the floor, now I’m outside the hospital near to our dorm. I’ll be waiting!” He said in one breath and hung up, not even waiting for me to reply.

         My heart felt like it was stabbed a million times. What happened to Woohyun? Suddenly, what he said on the phone rang into my ears.

         ‘I’d die for you.’

         Is he really going to die for me? This is all my fault. Oh god please let him be all right.

         After minutes spent forcing the driver to go faster, I ran out of the taxi, after paying, of course, and dashed to the hospital’s entrance.

         Hoya was still waiting for me and he looked so worried. Next to him was Eunji who spotted me so quick, that she ran all the way to hug me.

         “Unnie, let me lead you to his room, okay?” She said in that cute Busan accent of hers.

         She took my hand in hers and linked her other arm with Hoya. “Howon-ah, let’s bring Chorong unnie up.”

         He gave her a slight nod and turned to me, flashing an encouraging smile.

         They are so cute together but at a time like this, I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to see Nam Woohyun, that idiotic husband of mine whom I love and miss so much.

         When I arrived just outside his room, the other members went out and all gave me smiles, saying it’s all going to be okay.

         I shut the door behind me and looked at his lifeless body. He looked so thin. His face was paler than ever.

         I took a seat next to his bed and held his hand tight.

         “Oppa, wake up. I’m here now.”

         Tears slid out of my eyes and my lips quivered. I put a hand over my mouth and silently cried.

         As is eyes fluttered open, I quickly wiped my tears away and tried to put on a smile.

         “Ja…gi,” he muttered, looking at me in the eyes.

         “Be mine, I love you, okay?” he softly sang.

         Tears spilled out from my eyes. Hearing his usually energetic and loud voice so weak… I couldn’t take it.

         “And, can you smile?” he sang again.

         What is he trying to do? Sing me each and every single song of his until I stop crying?

         “Oh, she’s back. She’s back. Oh, she’s back. She’s back. She’s baaaack.”

         “I’m okay. You don’t have to worry,” he reached out to wipe my tears away.

         The doctor came in, spoiling the moment and told us about Woohyun’s condition.

         “Nam Woohyun here is just stressed. He lacks sleep and needs to eat more. He’s going to stay for a few days, but don’t worry, it’s nothing big.”

         After the doctor stepped out of the room, Woohyun smiled at me. “See? He said it’s nothing big. There’s no reason for you to cry.”

         I hit his shoulder lightly and continued crying my eyes out.

         “I thought I was going to lose you,” I said in between tears.

         He my hair softly. “I thought you were going to die. I hate you, Nam Woohyun.”

         He winced at my words and slightly pulled his hand away.

         “It hurts, you know? Having a husband who doesn’t love you anymore. I hate you for making me like this.”

         He my hand gently with his thumb. “Yah, idiot. What made you think I don’t love you anymore? I love you, Chorong.”

         “Come here,” he said and pulled me closer.

         He slowly sat up and leaned into my face even closer. Our faces were inches away from each other.

         “I love you, Park Chorong.”

         “You need to be here for it to be paradise,” he sang a line of his song, yet again. What a way to ruin the moment.

         I hit his chest and pulled away from him.

         “I love you, okay? I worry about you, okay? I’ll take care of you till the end.” He grinned like an idiot after he sang.

         But he is sweet, nonetheless.

         I guess this marriage I once called hopeless, isn’t really hopeless at all.

28^th December 2011
10: 46AM
1739 words