Gwiboon stares at her reflection in the vanity mirror. Slowly, she unties the ribbon in her hair, the short ebony locks falling to frame her face. She watches through blurry, wet eyes as she combs the bob of hair, thinking of how feminine she used to find it. She lets out a sigh, so much pain in one breath.

            Her makeup is long gone, it came off as soon as she got home. She used to find joy applying and wearing makeup, all the fun and elegant looks she achieved, but not anymore. She knew there was no use in trying to keep it on for longer than necessary, not with her current routine:

Get dressed. Put the makeup on. Run errands. Come home. Put the boys down for their nap. Take the makeup off. Break down.

            The only days that her routine is different were the weekends because those are the days that she has to pretend. Pretend that it is okay. Pretend that she is okay. And thankfully, Minho is none the wiser. She just can’t let him see how completely torn up she still is. Her husband is her rock, and he has been through this whole experience, always there to hold her hand and attending all the doctor’s appointments with her, and Gwiboon couldn’t be more thankful for that. She just can’t bear the thought of upsetting him by letting him see how broken she feels. She desperately wants to be her old cheerful self for him.

            When they’d gotten the news, she cried. For days all she could do was lay in bed and sob. Cancer. Cancer at 24 years old, with two young children and a loving husband. The doctor told her that it was understandable, normal even, considering the situation. Anyone in her position would be upset. No kidding, she thought. She was only 24 years old, for crying out loud! Jinki and Taemin had just turned four, and the mere thought of not getting to see her baby boys grow up was like a bullet straight to her heart. And so she cried. She sobbed and begged and cursed, asking why her, why she was afflicted with this dreadful disease.

            After a few days of staying cooped up in her room, Minho became concerned. He told Jinki and Taemin to wake Gwiboon up the next morning. They came in bouncing on the bed, full of giggles and bombarding their mom with hugs and kisses, starting her day with no thoughts of cancer. They dragged her out of bed that day and convinced her to spend the whole day playing games and watching movies with them, successfully distracting her. They proceeded to do the same thing the following couple of days, but they couldn’t avoid the issue forever. The day soon came when Gwiboon and Minho had to return to the doctor to discuss her options.

            Minho firmly held her hand in his as they received great news. There was hope. She would be okay. She would see her boys grow up. She just had to get the surgery. Double Mastectomy. She just had to have both of her s removed. Simple as that. Then the cancer should be gone.

            And she was lucky. Because the surgery went well. And at her last doctor’s appointment, as far as they could tell, the cancer was gone. And yet, now she’s unhappy. Why? Because it feels like they took her womanhood from her. She can’t even explain it, but that’s how it feels.

            She pulls her t-shirt up over her head and looks back in the mirror. Fresh tears well up as she eyes her torso. She sighs, tracing the scars from her surgery and the tears begin to freely flow down her cheeks. Anger suddenly bubbles in her stomach, at whom she’s not even sure, so she quickly throws on her nightgown, no longer wanting to look at herself.

            “Disgusting.” She whispers to herself.

            “Hey, baby.”

            Minho’s voice scares her out of her own world, and Gwiboon jumps up from the vanity’s bench, running to greet her husband.

            “Oh, hi honey! You’re home a bit early, hm?” She leans up and pecks him on the lips in the doorway of their bedroom.

            “Not really,” He chuckles, “it’s seven.” He announces as he changes into his pajamas.

            “Oh, is it? Well, I lost track of time then.” She laughs nervously. Minho nods in response, pretending not to notice her red eyes and tear- stained cheeks.

            “The boys in bed already?”

            “Mhm.”

            “That’s good.” Minho smiles and reaches up to pet down Gwiboon’s disheveled hair. “Is something wrong?”

            “Hm? No, of course not!” She fakes a smile, the one she’s been practicing for months at this point.

            He studies her face for a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed. “Well that’s bull.” He pats the space next to him; Gwiboon reluctantly sits too. Before she can form a full thought, he grabs her face and pulls it to his, resting their foreheads together. “Baby, please. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing’s wrong, Minho,” she speaks between giggles, “it’s just, I don’t know, it’s nothing, silly. There’s nothing wrong, really. I’m-”

            “Then why are you crying?”

            “What?” She pulls suddenly, bringing a hand to her face, only to find that her cheeks are wet. drops in disbelief. How could she not realize she was crying? “I-”

            “Talk to me, sweetheart.” He pleads and places a large hand on top of her folded ones that now lay in her lap.

            “I don’t,” she chokes on a sob, “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Minho.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “You wouldn’t.”

            “Help me understand then, Gwi.” He squeezes her hand firmly. “Explain it to me?”

            “I-” She lets out another choked sob, before composing herself, determined to get it out this time, “I don’t feel like… like a woman anymore. I just want to feel like a woman again. And I know, I know that I am still one, it’s just, I don’t feel like it. I feel like they took that from me. And I know that it’s selfish to care about something as stupid as that when I’m here and I’m alive and I’ll get to see our babies grow up, and I am happy about that! I really am, I’m not saying I’m not! But, but there’s just this feeling deep down inside that I can’t get rid of and… and…” She gives up on her explanation, collapsing into her husband’s arms, releasing months of pent up emotion, unable to do anything more than break down in this moment.

            “Shhh, Gwi…” Minho rubs soothing circles over her back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were having these feelings. I’m so, so sorry.”

            Minho’s sincere apology rips another surge of tears from Gwiboon. “It’s okay,” She chokes out, “I tried so hard to keep it from you. I didn’t want you to know. I wanted to be strong. Plus, it’s selfish for me to be feeling this way.”

            “No, it’s not. Shh, no it’s not. Not at all. Come here.” He leans back against the headboard, bringing her with him. She rests her head on his broad chest, tears still flowing from her eyes.

            “M-minho-”

            “I’m here, sweetheart. I’m right here.” He whispers into her ear, gently rocking her trembling body. They stay like this for a while, Minho tenderly comforting Gwiboon while she cries into his chest until she physically can’t cry anymore, until no more moisture will escape from her eyes. Then, Gwiboon draws in a shaky breath.

            “Minho..?”

            “Yes?” His deep, baritone voice warms her aching heart.

            “You wouldn’t…leave me… for a woman with… a real woman with… um…”

            “Baby.” He interrupts, placing a finger beneath her chin and lifting her head to look into her eyes, “Listen to me. You are no less of a woman now than you have ever been. Do you hear me?” Gwiboon nods, if somewhat reluctantly. “And to answer your question, even though it shouldn’t even be a question, no. I will never leave you. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, Gwi, and I love you more than anything. Nothing could ever change that. Ever.” Gwiboon blushes softly, hearing words like those from her husband have always made her feel slightly giddy, no matter how upset she felt prior to hearing them. “And, even though you’re still the most beautiful woman to ever grace this planet with your existence, if you feel like it would help, would you want to consider getting plastic surgery?”

            She gapes at him, taken aback by his sudden suggestion. She’s never thought about that before. She glances down at her chest, considering her husband’s suggestion. She shouldn’t consider it at all, she thinks. Not with twin toddlers in the house who should always be the first priority. However, just thinking about having something there again to replace what she’s lost gives her a small amount of confidence again. But plastic surgery is expensive. Extremely expensive.

            “Gwi? You don’t have to decide now. It’s just something to think about.”

            “Well, it’s just, plastic surgery is too expensive, don’t you think?”

            “Nothing is too expensive if it means getting you back to the happy and confident Gwiboon I know.”

            Gwiboon beams at her husband, trying to hold back her newly formed tears. She lovingly caresses his cheek, admiring her first love, her only love. “I don’t deserve you.”

            “You deserve the world.”

            She kisses him with fervor. Their lips meet in a passionate kiss, not full of lust, but of pure, unadulterated love for one another. A kiss to remind each other of the shy high school soccer player who fell for the outspoken president of the drama club. A kiss to remind each other of how hard they fell for each other. A kiss to remind each other of all the dumb fights they’ve shared, of all the nights of love making, of all the cheesy dates they’ve been on. A kiss to remind each other of the day they shared their vows with one another and of the day that their sons were born.  A kiss to tell each other that they’ll always be by each other’s side. They break apart, two sets of chocolate orbs holding each other’s gaze.

            “You’ve been through so much this year,” Minho whispers, tucking a piece of hair behind Gwiboon’s ear, “and I admire how strong you are. But baby, it’s okay to break down sometimes. That’s what I’m here for. Because no matter what happens, no matter what bump in the road we hit or how big it is, I’ll be here with you, Gwi, and I’m gonna love you through it.”