‘Good night kids, I’m going to stay here, you guys get some rest.’

‘Don’t stay here for too long hyung’

‘Comeback at 2, Yongguk-ah. You need rest’

The worried and tired look shows in each members’ face. Yongguk smiled wide to his fellow members. Even though, he himself is absolutely tired, he still managed to let out such a smile. He slumps when all is gone from the door, he entered his studio.

He walks slowly to his chair with a sunken look on his eyes. He sits down, scratched his head and covers his face. Eyebags apparent, sleeping for 2 hours a day, 4 hours at max. Dance practices, Composing, Writing lyrics and being a leader. It has been a tough year, 2016. Yongguk went through a lot this past couple years. After returning back to TS, he went straight back to composing songs. He has fallen for music, head to toe. He can compose a song and finish it in 2 days without sleeping because he always aims for perfection. Even after then, he still finds imperfections and ended up not sleeping for a week. Not to mention the tours. The comebacks themselves are pretty tiring, dance practices, vocal practices, writing raps. He loved his fans, a whole lot. He would do anything for his fans. He wanted to meet and talk with every single one of the BABYs if the time allows. His fans are the ones who made his dreams come true, he cannot let them down, but nowadays he just cannot compile his thoughts.

Life has been hard. His songs are not turning out the way he wants too. Moving from one place to another in such a short time has been a blessing and a curse. Meeting his fans from all over the world and getting support for what he is doing, but being away from family and constantly being tired. Not being able to meet your friends whenever you can. Meeting girls would be scandalous, even if she is just a friend. Yongguk is Biual, he doesn’t care about gender, love is love.

Family, Music, Fans, ual preference, Packed schedules, deadlines, expectations, and responsibility. It all becomes worse and worse. He thought his rest in Bali would give him peace, he was wrong. It’s like a medication you give to people with chronic cancer, just to endure pain for awhile. He can’t think straight, he needs to join the promotion of ‘Noir’, it’s his 2^nd Full Album, he can’t just abandon it. The studio is soundproof, he screamed in frustration.

He has been through a lot, but all he did is take a deep breath and always, he’d say:

‘Everything’s gonna be alright. I know it. Everything’s gonna be alright.’

He endured it himself. He hasn’t talked to anyone about this, it is killing him inside. The thoughts of BABYs leaving, B.A.P disbanding because he is not a good enough leader, leaving the music industry because his music is not good enough. These thoughts are always in the back of his mind since their dispute with TS. He tried real hard to make the group stick together no matter what, he just can’t seem to find peace within him.

This year, 2016, it gets worse. Higher expectation, people wanting for better songs. They said Young, Wild and Free is not good enough, it did not come out as a boom. That’s My Jam got less like since it was ‘not B.A.P’. Recreating One Shot is the thing he had in mind, fans seems to love it the most.

No, this is not him.

He wants his music to be heard in the world. He doesn’t want to write music to please people, he wants to express himself. Lately, he’s been molded to that kind of thoughts. Views, Likes, Album sales has been important. He had changed.

A tear slipped from his left eye. He rubbed his eyes in frustration. He stared at the ceiling and sighed,

‘Is this what I really wanted?”

He questioned his life choices, he questioned himself. Is he good enough?

‘I’m not good enough’

His eyes opened wide as his rapid breathing starts to catch up. It’s happening again. He searched for his bag, but he can’t see. Tears streaming down face, he felt disappointment, to himself. He can’t contain it anymore. He’s hyperventilating.

The door opened abruptly, showing Himchan in the other side.

His hair is down and disheveld after the dance practice. He wore a black tanktop with a red jacket on top, the red jacket was Yongguk’s. Concerned look from Himchan’s eyes emerge, then he ran to the room searching for Yongguk’s pills. He gave it to Yongguk and hugged him for awhile, a short, tight, meaningful hug. He let go of Yongguk and stared at him, examining his face before smiling, full of concern.

‘Everything will be alright, go get a rest. You have done everything to us. You are a great leader to us, and a good friend to me. We understand, you can stop hiding it in Yongguk. I love you, we all do. We want the best for you. You deserve all the best things in life. Life has given you all the craps it got, and you need some rest from the craps. We can do this. I know this album is important, but your health is more important. We are here to support you ’

And this time, Himchan didn’t hug him. Yongguk hugged Himchan tight and cried in his shoulder. He whimpers, he’s broken. Himchan could see that. He understood. Yongguk needs some rest, from the world.

Every night my song flows

It’s no use this is just my confession

To my grandfather’s arms I will go back

I know it I know it I know it I am in need – AM 4:44, Bang Yongguk