Name Glossary:

Kim Hyunjung - Seola

Chu Sojung - Exy

Son Juyeon - Eunseo

Kim Jiyeon - Bona

Xuan Yi, Cheng Xiao, Dawon, Soobin, Luda (All real names of WJSN members)

All other names are made up :>

 

Mild profanities used :>

 

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Hyunjung would like to say that she's known Sojung for the better part of her rather mediocre life. Then again, Hyunjung had spent the first seven years of her mediocre life in the US, only returning to Korea to start elementary school a year behind the rest. She’d only met Sojung in middle school - she’d sat next to some runty tanned girl on the first day of school, obliviously and blissfully unaware of what her skinny seatmate would grow to become in her life.

Sojung had always been the more outgoing one of the pair, with her loud, obnoxious voice and her tendency to grin at pretty much everyone. Hyunjung found it easy to become friends with Sojung, mostly because the latter could not shut up once she got her engine running, and she found Hyunjung’s faintly accented Korean hilarious.

Sojung was, also, the more popular one. Being naturally quiet, Hyunjung preferred to stick close to the walls and hopefully be able to pass off as invisible. Sojung, on the other unfortunate hand, loved striding down the middle of every damn hallway and dragging Hyunjung along with her, waving at her countless acquaintances and smiling like some supermodel or whatever.

High school had arrived along with a speeding truckload of puberty, er-punching Sojung from being a runty little shrimp to being a tall, slender, pretty girl that everyone either wanted to be or wanted to be with. Some of that blinding beauty did rub off on Hyunjung, because she definitely became a lot more pleasant-looking.

And then the time also, inevitably, came for Sojung to realise that she was fully and utterly not heteroual, which was a revelation that didn’t really shock Hyunjung because - really, someone who kept touching her all the time couldn’t possibly not be gay.

Hyunjung was okay with it, honestly, she didn’t care. Sojung was still the same person, the same Chu Sojung who she’d had sleepovers with and whose hair she’d braided for fun, the same Sojung who always tells her everything first and gayness didn’t change anything.

Despite being such good friends, they were miles, miles different. Sojung harboured a satanic love for parties and pretty girls, and Hyunjung just liked to stay at home and study, because drinking is bad for your liver, or something. Oh, and not to mention, Hyunjung didn’t really share Sojung’s sentiments in the pretty girls department.

Then they’d graduated high school and gone on to attend the same college, courtesy of Sojung actually studying for once to bump her grades up so that she could qualify for the same college as Hyunjung, who was significantly less lazy and more studious. They’d moved into a dorm room for two on the campus to save travelling time.

Life went on. College always sounded bleak and it was - is - bleak, but Hyunjung didn’t mind, because Sojung was always there to make her smile with a dumb joke or a weird expression. Life just went on, because nothing much really changed from high school.  

Sojung partied. Hyunjung studied. And they liked it that way.       

 

++++++

 

It was something slow at first, so slow that she barely noticed it. Hyunjung was always used to her eyes being drawn to Sojung whenever they happened to be in the same room, because they were best friends who would always find each other first before anything else. Hyunjung was used to Sojung landing playful slaps on her rear, clinging to her arms like a baby monkey, and making dumb kissy faces at her.

She didn’t know when the scale started tipping. When the unspoken law between best friends began to strain on her end. She didn’t know when she’d started looking for Sojung everywhere she went, hoping that her friend would be there. She didn’t know when any bodily contact would make her face heat up and when Sojung making kissy faces at her would make her heart race.

Hyunjung had always been one for rules and routine. Her and Sojung being just best friends had always, strictly, been something of routine - everything laid out under the sky for each other, no secrets withheld, no other feelings besides the bond between friends. It was still the same, but yet not, and it drove Hyunjung insane - because the line that she’d never thought she’d ever cross had her tripping and falling headfirst into the abyss beyond.

Many a night would Hyunjung lie awake on her bed on her side, gazing across the room at Sojung’s bunk as she tried to fall asleep. One night after a particularly bad day - Sojung had come back to her nearly breaking down crying, and had given her a long hug and spoken to her softly - Hyunjung spent nearly an hour awake, just looking at Sojung.

Their dorm room had a window beside Sojung’s bunk, through which thin shafts of moonlight would filter through, providing just enough light to see by. Hyunjung looked, and as she looked, she realised the painful truth. I’m in love with her.

Falling hopelessly in love with her best friend broke every rule in Hyunjung’s ethical code, because 1. It meant that she was also fully and completely gay and 2. It was Sojung.

And it wasn’t only that. It’s a thing to fall in love with someone that she did not know that closely; someone she’d been acquaintances or friends with at the most, because there’s always a chance that they’ll reciprocate the feelings. She’d never really know.

Falling in love with someone whom she knew from head to toe and inside out was the worst feeling, because she knows the exact type of girls that Sojung liked. Girls who partied as much as she did, girls who were just as glittery gorgeous as she was, girls who flirted and wore lots of makeup. Girls who, to put it simply, weren’t Kim Hyunjung.

 

+++++

 

“Don’t you want to take a break from that?”

Hyunjung looks up from the thick book she’s perusing, pulling her wire-rimmed glasses off to rub her stinging eyes. She’s been at it since lunch, but she tells herself not to stop, because she needs to pass her damn college exams, and she needs an excuse not to look at Sojung, because looking makes her chest hurt. But she looks.  

She can never not look for long, anyway.

Sojung’s in an oversized white t shirt and shorts that are way too short for comfort, brown hair up in her trademark poop bun. She leans over Hyunjung’s shoulder, the warmth of her body making the latter tense slightly.

“Well, yeah, I was about to take a break,” Hyunjung lies, placing a pencil on the page she’s on and shutting the textbook.

“Don’t lie, I know you weren’t.” Sojung smiles that dumb disarming grin and sits on Hyunjung’s bed, and Hyunjung sighs as she turns her chair to face Sojung, unable to keep the small smile from her lips. “You’ve been studying too hard lately, you should really loosen up or something.”

“Well, unlike some people, I’m actually trying to pass my college exams and get my diploma,” Hyunjung says pointedly, returning her glasses to their rightful position on her nose bridge.

“Point taken. But really, you sure you don’t want to go to Jaehoon’s party later on? It’s a Friday, come on,” Sojung says, bordering on a whine, hands coming to rest on Hyunjung’s knees. “It’ll be really fun there. Jaehoon’s parties are always pretty great.”

“Look, I know you’re all about the party life and whatever, but I don’t socialize with the frat kids and I’m not interested in coming back drunk out of my mind and drunkenly hooking up with someone.” Hyunjung points her pen at Sojung, narrowing her eyes, her words laced with underlying bitterness. They hit too close to home sometimes, and Hyunjung wonders if Sojung could ever tell that Hyunjung’s jokes about her bringing too many girls back are at her own expense.

Sojung sighs, reaching forward to brush the dark hair away from Hyunjung’s eyes. Hyunjung hopes that Sojung can’t see how much she’s affecting her, because she damn well is.

“Don’t say I didn’t try, I suppose. I’ve been wanting to go to this party for a while, I saw this girl in one of those elective lectures and Jaehoon said she goes to his parties all the time. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some nice action,” Sojung grins and winks and Hyunjung just wishes that she could be anywhere but there listening to her best friend speaking.

It’s always like this. Sojung attends parties often, comes back smelling like vodka, and once or twice she’d brought some random girl with her. But they’d leave as soon as they see Hyunjung slumped over the desk studying and make a ruckus and do their thing elsewhere.

“God, shut up,” Hyunjung aims a slap at Sojung’s arm and the latter laughs.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I’ll leave you alone now, I have to change for my eventual hookup with the hot girl.” Sojung winks and stands up, leaving an indentation in the mattress. Hyunjung stares at the rumpled sheets as Sojung leaves to go to their dorm’s common bathroom, wishing that she could stop being so masochistic.

It’s always like this, and it’ll always be like this. Sojung would just never like Hyunjung romantically, and Hyunjung hates that she’s choosing to torture herself by not loving her any less.

 

+++++

 

 

Hyunjung does have some other friends besides Sojung - namely this ragtag group of opinionated (and, not to mention, homoual) females consisting of Son Juyeon, Nam Dawon, Park Soobin and this brainiac of a Chinese girl called Cheng Xiao.

“This semester is hell, this is hell,” Dawon groans, massaging her temples. Her honey brown hair sways dangerously close to the surface of her piping hot mocha, thankfully missing.

“Well, that must explain why you’re so hot,” Juyeon interjects, wiggling her eyebrows and doing her weird squidward face.     

“I can feel my sandwich rising up my esophagus already.”

Hyunjung likes hanging out with these kids, partially because they can do what Sojung does - fill up the empty gaps in conversations that she tends to leave, and partially because they’re just really nice and funny people. They’re in one of the college’s cafés enjoying their Sunday afternoon out of the oppressive heat.

“Or maybe it’s just your love for me,” Juyeon suggests. Soobin joins in their banter, and only Cheng Xiao and Hyunjung stay quiet, the former being unconfident of her Korean skills and the latter preferring to listen over participating.

She keeps an ear out in case they start killing each other and does a slow sweep of the café, chin propped by her palm. The place is fairly crowded considering it is just a little after lunch time, and Hyunjung feels an involuntary clenching of the chest when she sees Sojung at one of the corner tables, sitting directly opposite a girl she’d never seen before in her life.

Of course, it isn’t the first time she’s seen Sojung out with one of her girlfriends or whatever, she knows that most of the time when they are unable to eat together because Sojung has other plans, she’s probably eating with another girl. And, of course, that doesn’t make it hurt any damn less.

Juyeon must’ve caught her staring for far too long, because a finger taps her wrist and when her head snaps back to look at her other friends, Juyeon has an eyebrow cocked.

“You've been staring there for a while. Was that Sojung I saw in the one second I took to glance in the same direction as your laser beams?”

“Um, yeah?”

Dawon glances as well, then turns back to look at Hyunjung, who's close to facepalming. “She's with another one? Wow, she goes through girls faster than Mei Qi goes through a pack of gummy bears.”

“Oh my God, shut up about Mickey Mei Qi already, you've literally been talking about her for the last seventy eight hours. Just date her, Nam Dawon. Anyway, Hyunjung, why were you staring at Sojung like that?” Juyeon narrows her eyes at her, and Hyunjung shrinks slightly under the gaze of the four now enraptured friends of hers. Even shy Cheng Xiao seems to have noticed as well.

“Staring - like what?”

“I don't know, staring like you kind of wanted to, to-”

“-Join them or something,” Soobin finishes.

Hyunjung panics internally, because no, she's not ready to tell them anything. But if she lies, would they be able to see through her? Hyunjung’s a pretty bad liar, but really, only Sojung can truly tell when she's completely lying about everything.

Some part of her argues. What's so bad about telling them? It's eating you up from the inside, and if you don't tell anyone you're bound to crack sooner or later.

“I - it's just-” Words fail her, and Hyunjung is left gesticulating, as though hand movements would be able to truly capture what she's trying to convey. Months of unrequited love, the constant feeling of her chest hurting, seeing the best friend that she's helplessly fallen in love with going out with other girls. It's only now when she realises how much Sojung has affected her, and how nothing about falling in love with her best friend is not as positive or as fluffy as those Wattpad clichés she's read.

It's not something she can just express in words. How much she craves time alone together with Sojung in their dorm room, just the two of them, her studying and Sojung bothering her. How much it makes her heart race at apocalyptic speeds when Sojung hugs her. How much she loves it when Sojung links their arms as they walk, their hips bumping every now and then and Sojung’s slender fingers wrapping around Hyunjung’s forearm.

How much it tears her apart when she sees Sojung with the girls she seems to be constantly going out with. How much it feels like a bullet to the chest when she remembers that she'll never be one of those girls. How much it breaks her when Sojung will never think of her the same way.

Hyunjung clears . “Do me a favour and tell me: how do you know when you have a crush on someone?”

The four other girls look a little surprised at her question, but the ever talkative Juyeon complies readily. “Y’know, you're always drawn to them wherever you are - always looking or noticing them. Little things. If they talk to you it makes you feel nervous but ecstatic. If they smile at you, you kind of feel like your insides are mushy and gross.”

“You seem to be very experienced in this field, Juyeon,” Dawon chuckles, eliciting laughter from Cheng Xiao and Soobin.

“I've had plenty of crushes before in my life and I think I am rather experienced in the infatuation field. But why did you ask, Hyun?”

Hyunjung breathes out slowly, because everything that Juyeon had mentioned is what she feels around Sojung, except mellower. She's sure that infatuation isn't what she feels for Sojung - it's something stronger, more painful and probably ten times deadlier.

“I-” Hyunjung closes her eyes, swallows, her voice dropping a notch as she sighs, “I'm in love with Sojung.”

There's silence.

“Are you serious?” That, coming from Cheng Xiao, makes Hyunjung crack an eye open.

“I've never been more serious in my life, unfortunately,” Hyunjung gives a hollow laugh, and that seems to snap Juyeon, Dawon and Soobin from their states of shock.

“Your - your best friend? You fell in love with Chu Sojung, your best friend since I don't even know when and the head of an actual harem of girls?” Juyeon seems almost appalled, because there's another unspoken rule that seems to be having its existential crisis - the rule that you don't be completely and utterly stupid enough to actually fall in love with the campus’ star cliché heartthrob. Hyunjung realises that she seems to be breaking a lot of important rules for Sojung.

Speaking of Sojung, Hyunjung glances again at her best friend still seated at that table, very obviously flirting with the girl whose face is not visible to Hyunjung from her current position. It makes her stomach turn, and she looks away.

Her movement doesn't go unnoticed by her other friends, though.

“Jeez, Hyunjung, you've got it bad,” Dawon whistles.

“You don’t say, the girl looks absolutely enamored,” Soobin says, the sympathy in her voice palpable. The sympathy’s present in all their gazes, really, and Hyunjung completely understands why. Sometimes she just feels like she’s being plain pathetic.

“Can you guys keep this to yourselves? Please? I don’t think-” Hyunjung swallows hard, looking down at the vandalised wooden tabletop. “I don’t think my friendship with her would remain intact after something like that.”

“Well, duh we wouldn’t say anything, what do you take us for?”

Cheng Xiao hooks Hyunjung by the neck and Juyeon proceeds to knuckle her head roughly, messing her hair up. Hyunjung scowls but really, she can’t complain, because they’re taking this much better than she’d ever hoped they could. She’s rather glad that they aren’t treating it like something to mourn over, because the last thing she needs is an affirmation of how her love for Sojung will end in a dead knot.

Dawon sips her now cooled mocha. “Don’t mind if I occasionally glare at Sojung every now and then whenever she’s doing her thing with the ladies.”

“Don’t stare at her for too long, though, Hyunjung and Mickey Mei Qi will get jealous,” Juyeon pipes up.

“I swear, Son Juyeon-”

“Chill, Nam, I was just taking the...Mickey out of you.”

Juyeon proceeds to laugh so loudly that the everyone looks at her, inevitably drawing Sojung’s eyes to their table as well. Hyunjung wills herself not to, but her willpower has never been that strong anyway.

Their eyes meet, and Sojung’s light up considerably, a wide smile stretching her lips. She quirks an eyebrow slightly and gives Hyunjung a wink, and Hyunjung just wishes that she could treat the wink as something purely platonic, because she doesn’t know how much more of this she can take.

 

+++++

 

It seems to get worse over time, if even humanly possible.

Hyunjung’s losing her mind. She’s trying her best to focus on her studies, but how can she when she can hear Sojung whispering and giggling over the phone behind her with some random girl that isn’t her? And that isn’t the only thing - Sojung still hugs her and clings to her and rains light kisses on her cheeks and forehead all the time, and knowing that it’s all platonic is hammering cracks into her.

Then one day, out of the blue, Sojung drops a bomb that drives the crack to an almost irreparable size.

Hyunjung is - as usual - sitted cross-legged on her chair in front of their desk, poring over a thick volume with her eyelids drooping. She hears the door click as it unlocks and looks up, anticipating seeing Sojung striding in with that stupid wide smile and brandishing a pepperoni pizza for them to share or something.

And Sojung does stride in alright, but instead of holding a box of pizza she’s holding some girl’s hand. Hyunjung vaguely remembers this girl, and her stomach clenches violently when she realises that she’s seen her with Sojung quite a few times more than any other girl.

“Hyun,” Sojung pulls the girl with her, and Hyunjung stands up, forcing a smile onto her face. “This is my girlfriend, Soyoung. Soyoung, this is my best friend, Hyunjung. We’re all taking the same course, but I don’t think you’ve ever talked to her before?”

“Hey,” Hyunjung says, biting her lip hard as she smiles, trying not to show that it feels like her heart’s been punched clean through, because, God, it hurts. Sojung’s never introduced any of the girls she’d gone out with to Hyunjung before, and if she’s doing so now, it must mean that their relationship is getting pretty serious.

“Hi, Hyunjung,” Soyoung smiles, and Hyunjung notes with a pang of bitterness that she’s really pretty.  

“We’re just gonna be watching a movie on my bed for a bit. Plug in some music so we don’t bother you?” Sojung gives her that disarming grin that Hyunjung can’t resist.

“Yeah, okay,” Hyunjung lowers herself back down onto her seat, her chest aching with a mixture of hopelessness and burning jealousy. She’s suddenly feeling very self-conscious about her baggy black tee and her flower-printed shorts, because Soyoung is dressed so much better than she is. “Knock yourselves out.”

The pair just about fall over each other on their way to the bed, and Hyunjung turns back to her book, pressing a hand to her temple to hide her view of the two other giggling individuals.

She’d expected this to happen eventually, but it still hurts like hell. Sojung was bound to settle down into a serious relationship sooner or later, and Hyunjung knew that it wouldn’t be with her, because the sun and the planets never do collide. Sojung just doesn’t love her in that way, and it’s killing her.  

That’s the day when Sojung unknowingly drove a wedge between them in the form of her new and serious girlfriend. Hyunjung and her were still the best of friends, but things started shifting with an almost imperceptible slowness.  

Sojung starts spending less and less of her time in their dorm room, always divesting her time solely in Soyoung. Hyunjung feels her absence almost physically; the room is always too cold, too empty, too bleak without Sojung around. Some days Sojung doesn’t even come back at all, choosing to sleep over at Soyoung’s room or something, and on those days, Hyunjung never sleeps well.

Her friends aren’t oblivious, and they begin to get worried for her.

“Your dark circles are getting especially prominent these days,” Dawon, ever the caring mom friend says, brushing her fingertips across the area under Hyunjung’s eyes. They’re in the lecture hall waiting for their first lecture of the day.  

“I was up studying,” Hyunjung mumbles, stuffing her hands into the front pockets of her hoodie. “I’m okay, Dawon.”

“You’re always studying and I’ve never seen your dark circles looking quite so impressive.” Dawon’s disapproval is clear, and Hyunjung combs her bangs over the top half of her eyes as though that would hide the evidence of her crumbling composure.

“Look, drop it. It’s nothing.”

The doors of the lecture hall swing open and Hyunjung would’ve disregarded it as she always does had she not heard that loud obnoxious laughter and felt another dagger stabbing and twisting in her heart. She would’ve disregarded it had she not smelt that familiar clean waterlily fragrance and felt a hand ruffle her hair.

“‘Sup, bestie?” Sojung drops her bag down onto the ground and sits on the empty seat beside Hyunjung, since the one on the other side is taken up by Dawon. Soyoung is, of course, right beside her. “Hey Nam.”

“Chu,” Dawon acknowledges, her eyes flicking back to Hyunjung, who’s smiling up at Sojung. But Dawon can see the forcefulness behind the smile.

“Had a good breakfast?”

“Yeah, Soyoung and I had toast from Wing 2. You tried it yet?” Sojung’s hand is loosely intertwined with Soyoung’s and even from beside Hyunjung, Dawon can see it, and she internally cringes, feeling bad for her friend stuck in the middle.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good.” Hyunjung clears and rearranges her hair.

“We should go eat there together next time we have time. Oh oh, or maybe we can try that taco place just down the street from the campus, Soyoung said it’s good.” Sojung grins at her, tweaks her nose, and then turns back to her girlfriend.

Hyunjung grits her teeth to stop herself from saying anything else. Sojung keeps doing this - talking about Soyoung all the damn time. She feels so helpless, so meaninglessly angry, because Sojung is slowly slipping further and further away from her. Dawon touches her arm comfortingly.

“How can I drop it when you’re being like this, Hyunjung?” Dawon says quietly, soft enough so that only Hyunjung can hear, her dark brown eyes serious.

And Hyunjung closes her eyes, as though that would help her to escape from everything. Her eyes feel warm. “I don’t know, Dawon. I don’t know.”

 

+++++

 

The time on her small digital clock reads 8:47PM. Hyunjung rubs her eyes and pushes her chair back, deciding that she’s way too hungry to continue studying without being distracted by her stomach’s incessant grumbling.

She grabs her wallet from under a stack of notes and her phone from atop a textbook and opens to ask Sojung if she wants anything - when she remembers that Sojung’s out with Soyoung and her heart drops.

She stands there for a moment, before taking a deep breath and exiting the room in her hoodie, running shorts and flip flops, too tuckered out to care about how she looks. She makes her way down the dorm building and to the pizza place on campus, which is about half-full.

Six minutes later Hyunjung’s seated at one of those tables for two, a personal hawaiian pizza in front of her. The pizza is warm and it comforts her somewhat, reminding her of those times in high school when she and Sojung would grab pizza on special occasions because ‘pizza is unhealthy’.  

Scrolling through Tumblr while she eats is a poor replacement for human company, but it beats just staring out at the campus grounds.

It’s these times when Hyunjung really feels this new loneliness - she’d always had Sojung there for her, but nowadays she’s eating alone more often than not. Perhaps there is a rule where best friends come before, or at least are equal to, lovers, but if there is, Sojung isn’t following it at all.

It takes her nearly forty minutes to finish the pizza, and she decides to just buy two slices of pepperoni pizza for Sojung just in case she’s hungry when she comes back.

Hyunjung’s glad of her decision to wear her hoodie down, because the night’s colder when she steps out. She zips the hoodie all the way up and walks with one hand in her hoodie pocket, the other letting the bag with the pizza swing freely. She breathes out through as she arrives back at her dorm, fumbling for her keys.

She unlocks the door, part of her really hoping that she’ll see Sojung in there. She opens the door and steps inside.

They say to be careful of what you wish for - and Hyunjung’s never felt it so acutely before in her life.

What she sees makes her fingers loosen around the plastic bag’s straps; because oh, she sees Sojung alright. Sojung, lying on her back on Hyunjung’s bed, her hair mussed and fingers clawing Soyoung’s .

The bag with the pizza drops to its untimely death, the door slams, and Hyunjung’s running away as fast as she can, tears searing down her cheeks, the broken remains of her heart trailing behind her.

 

+++++

 

Shocked is an understatement when Juyeon opens the door of her shared dorm room with Cheng Xiao and sees Hyunjung outside, in a hoodie and slippers and running shorts, crying. Hyunjung has never cried in front of them.

“Hyunjung,” Juyeon says, panicked, folding Hyunjung in her long arms and guiding her into the room. She closes the auto-locking door with her foot.

Cheng Xiao, Dawon and Mei Qi are there, sprawled across the floor with notes, pens and bags of chips scattered everywhere. All three of them look up as Juyeon brings Hyunjung closer, and seeing their friend crying shocks them. They all drop their materials and sit up, alarmed.

“Hyunjung-”

“What-”

“Sojung - she-” Hyunjung can hardly see in front of her through the tears, her voice cracking and breaking and she slumps onto the nearest bed. Her chest feels like it’s been stabbed with a chainsaw. “She was doing - doing it with Soyoung, on my bed…” Her face screws up in a mixture of anger, disgust and heartbreak. “My bed. On my. Goddamn. Bed.”

Juyeon sits down beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Cheng Xiao, Dawon and Mei Qi look appalled.

“I-I don’t know what t-to do anymore, I love her so much but-” Hyunjung presses her hands to her eyes to stop the tears from flowing out, but still more escape. Her voice drops to a whimper, but she’s unable to articulate words anymore.

Silence envelops the five girls sitting in the room, aside from Hyunjung’s soft sobbing, and it stays until her crying subsides to a quiet sniffling.

“You should stay away from Sojung,” Cheng Xiao says finally.

Juyeon blanches. “Xiao-”

“What? Hanging around Sojung so much isn’t going to do her any good. Sojung’s enamored with that whoever girl, and Hyunjung’s probably the last person Sojung will fall in love with. Why drag out the torture when you can stop it?” Cheng Xiao says, and with the harsh truth out in the light, Hyunjung feels even more pathetic.

“God, I know, but now isn’t the right time for this, Xiao,” Juyeon mutters.

“If now isn’t the time then I don’t know when the right time is, because clearly, this friendship is getting toxic. Sojung either fixes it or it breaks.”

Juyeon squeezes Hyunjung’s shoulders tighter but doesn’t comment anymore, and Hyunjung knows it’s because Cheng Xiao is completely right. Being around Sojung, seeing Sojung with Soyoung, is killing her. But-

“I-I can’t, Xiao,” Hyunjung whispers, the dull ache in her chest inflaming once again. It hurts, it hurts so much, but she can’t stay away from Sojung - it’s like Sojung is a drug that Hyunjung is addicted to; she knows it’s bad, but she can’t stop. “I don’t want to lose Sojung as my friend entirely.”

“You don’t want to lose Sojung entirely but she’s obviously ripping you apart every time she’s with Soyoung,” Mei Qi interjects, always as direct as Xiao in terms of speech. “Dawon tells me you’re losing sleep over her. Hyunjung, you can’t continue like this.”

“Then what can I do? I-” Hyunjung’s arms fall from around her shins. “-I already feel like she’s getting further away from me.”

“We can advise you,” Dawon says, laying a hand on Hyunjung’s knee, “But we can’t make your decisions. And it seems like you already have one in mind, whether we approve of it or not.”

“I can’t stay from her. It’s like - it’s like she’s the sun and I’m just an orbiting planet. Even if I stray I’m bound to return,” Hyunjung clenches her teeth, falling backwards onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her hand finds its way to her chest, feeling the pulses of heartbeat against her palm. She swallows. “God, it hurts.”

Hyunjung is aware that her situation is near hopeless, really. She either cuts herself off from Sojung entirely - which she can’t do, because she’ll probably unravel in a few days and just go running back to Sojung. Or she confesses, which she’ll never do. Or she continues this, this whatever, still being best friends with Sojung and bearing with it.  

It’s pathetic, really, how even if Hyunjung tries, she knows she can never function without Sojung.

Thinking about Sojung and Soyoung on her bed makes her want to throw up. Them doing anything somewhere else, anywhere where Hyunjung can’t see them, is bearable, but doing it on her bed is just too much.

“Whatever you decide to do, we’ll respect it,” Juyeon promises, giving Cheng Xiao a swift sock-clad kick in the arm. Xiao shoots her a look, but agrees.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Mei Qi and Dawon echo.

Honestly, up till then Hyunjung hadn’t known the exact reason why she’d instinctively sought out her other friends after seeing that scene in her room. Deep down she already knows what she’s going to do eventually, but for the moment she just needs comfort and people who understand how screwed up it all is. She doesn’t need advice; not really.

Not when she knows deep down that after this she’ll still go back to her dorm room and sleep in the same room as Sojung, breathe the same air as Sojung, and feel that pain she feels whenever she’s around Sojung. Because she’s grown used to it.

However many times it’ll hurt like a whenever she sees Sojung with another girl, she can’t lose Sojung altogether. Though it already feels like her best friend is slipping away slowly, taking some of Hyunjung’s heart with her, it doesn’t matter, because she’s not completely gone.

Hyunjung is desperately in love with Sojung. And, pathetic as it seems, maybe she likes it that way.

 

+++++

 

When Hyunjung returns to her dorm room, it’s nearly eleven pm. She's spent from all the crying, but at least the aftereffects of her momentary breakdown are nearly all gone. She has her feelings in check now, because there's every chance that she has to act like she's not in love with Sojung when she goes in. She unlocks and opens the door quietly, just in case Sojung’s in there and sleeping or something, but the lights are on and her friend’s sitting on her desk chair using her phone, alone.

Sojung looks up and turns around when she hears Hyunjung entering the room.

“Hyun,” Sojung flusters, guilt and slight embarrassment edging her voice. “I’m sorry - if you saw - I um, I changed your sheets and everything and disinfected the mattress.”

“Sometimes sorry doesn’t cut it,” Hyunjung mutters, trying not to explode because seeing Sojung all normal is killing her. It’s freaking killing her, after seeing Sojung doing that with Soyoung.   

“Hyunjun-”

“No. Yeah. It's-” Hyunjung wants to curse, say that she's disgusted, but she can't. She clenches her fists, fingernails digging hard into the skin of her palm, and she breathes. “It's gross, honestly, but I forgive you. Next time just try to keep it in your pants for a couple more seconds until you reach your bed and not mine, okay? Or maybe, just, don't.” Her voice breaks slightly and she hopes Sojung didn't catch it.

“Sorry,” Sojung gives her a small mock salute and pauses before saying, “Thanks for the pizza.”

“No problem.” Hyunjung feels her eyes stinging slightly but she blinks her tears away before Sojung sees. It's just a ‘thanks for the pizza’ and it already makes Hyunjung feel like she's so much less important than Soyoung.

Hyunjung tosses her phone and wallet onto her bed, climbing onto the comforter. She shudders slightly, remembering the accursed activity that she'd witnessed Sojung engaging in on this very bed, once again blinking away the tears that flood her eyes.

“You know,” Sojung says, switching her phone off and standing up from the chair. She walks over to Hyunjung, her bare feet sticking to the tiled floor, and sits on her bed. Sojung grabs her hands, playing with her fingers like she always does. Hyunjung wills the spastic racing of her heart to slow down, because it stings just as much as it beats. “I feel like we've hardly hung out these days, just the two of us.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” Hyunjung replies, unable to keep the coldness away from her voice, and again, Sojung looks guilty. “I think we need to address this issue at hand here, Chu Sojung. Is your girlfriend really so much more important than your best friend?”

“I'm sorry Hyun, it's just - Soyoung’s the first girl I've ever really been in love with, you know? Like, I'm seriously in love with her, so I just love to spend time with her. I've kind of been neglecting you a little-” Sojung sees the look on Hyunjung’s face and corrects herself, “-okay, a lot.”

God, way to slap it right in my damn face.

“I have my own life outside of this friendship, you know. I've been socialising. Making friends with other campus gays. So, you neglected your best friend of eight freaking years,” Hyunjung almost goes right over the edge but she stops herself before she says anything that she'll regret. She didn't mean to sound angry, but it comes out sharper than she thought it would. “For some girl you've met for, like, a month. Is this how you treat me, you piece of ?”

Sojung flinches. “It sounds worse when you say it like that. Look, this is the first serious relationship I've had with anyone, and I don't think anyone has loved me as much as Soyoung does. It's not like I didn't spend more time with you on purpose, I just want to spend…more time with Soyoung.”

Hyunjung doesn't, can't, reply. Sure, she hates herself for loving Sojung, but it doesn't mean that she loves Sojung less after seeing whatever she saw. No, Hyunjung is goddamn sure that she loves Sojung more than anyone else ever can and will.

Her teeth snag her lower lip in her anger, but Hyunjung has to regain some composure before she speaks again.

“Then what do you take me for?” She asks quietly.

“You're my best friend in the whole entire universe, Kim Hyunjung, and I know we have that strong platonic friend love and whatever, but what's between me and Soyoung-”

“I'm not retarded, Chu Sojung,” Hyunjung growls, mostly to shut Sojung up, because she doesn't want to hear about how much she loves Soyoung. “I know. But it doesn't mean that platonic friend love can't match up to whatever the hell you have with Soyoung, because I'm pretty sure that eight years is more than you've ever spent with her. I know you like I know the back of my hand, and I intend to tell you that I'm. Freaking. Here.”

Sojung’s fingers squeeze Hyunjung’s. Her gorgeous brown eyes focus on her with affection, and Hyunjung wants to just run away, far away, because she knows that the affection is platonic.

“Okay, my best friend of eight years. Today and tomorrow is all you. Soyoung has a full day course, so I'm free for the whole day. Movie marathon?” Sojung lights up hopefully.

Hyunjung tastes ashes in . She's second best to Sojung now that Soyoung is in the picture - Sojung only has time for her because her beloved girlfriend is on course. Sojung only has time for her whenever she can't be with her girlfriend. And Hyunjung hates it. She hates it so much, but how can she complain, when she can spend time with Sojung?

“Our Times, Mean Girls and all eight Harry Potter movies?”

Sojung grins that bright grin and leans forward, folding Hyunjung in the hug that she's been missing for so long. Hyunjung hates herself for still putting her arms around Sojung and hugging her back just as tightly.

“Missed having you around, my actual second half! Let's watch Our Times and Mean Girls tonight, I feel like I haven't watched those in forever. I'll go get my laptop!” Sojung disentangles herself from Hyunjung and goes to find her laptop in her bag.

Hyunjung isn't sure how she survived the sheer amount of cracks Sojung has caused in her heart, because all the talk about platonic and friends is really making her feel like . And Hyunjung knows she only has herself to blame, because she chose to endure this heartache.

Sojung returns with her laptop and charger, which she plugs into the only spare outlet on their one row of portable socket outlets.

“Scoot over, I know I'm skinny but I'm still going to fall off,” Sojung shoves Hyunjung and the latter moves closer to the wall, propping her pillows up against the (disinfected) headboard. Sojung squishes in beside her, the bed not being very wide, so their thighs and arms are pressing together. “Find the movie file for me, will you?”

“Why can't you find it yourself?” Hyunjung grumbles under her breath as she opens up Sojung’s files and searches under downloads for Our Times (the title’s fully Chinese, but she prays that it’s the right one). She plays the movie - which is correct, thank goodness - just as Sojung nudges her arm. “What?”

“I was cleaning your glasses for you, ,” Sojung says, shoving the pair of wire-rimmed glasses at Hyunjung. She grins her dumb disarming smile, and Hyunjung feels her stomach flip.

She takes the glasses from Sojung and slides it onto her nose bridge, unable to say anything because, God, how could Sojung just manage to dispel all of her rage with just one simple action?

They watch the movie in silence for a while, at least until Sojung decides to throw her legs over Hyunjung’s and Hyunjung lets out a noise that is halfway between choked and strangled. Sojung leans her head on Hyungjung’s collarbones. “I’m cold,” she says.

“Turn the air conditioner down,” Hyunjung says much too quickly, her breathing coming out slightly more erratic, because Sojung is too close and her heart is beating too fast. “You have a girlfriend, .”

“But you’re warm and you smell nice,” Sojung grumbles. “Just shut up, I’m watching the movie.”

Hyunjung’s never been physically tortured before, but she assumes this is the closest it’ll ever get. The person she’s one-sidedly in love with cuddling with her, making her skin feel more like skin and her heart more alive. Knowing that at the end of the day the person would really rather cuddle with someone else, and the vicious cycle never ends.

Tears well in her eyes at the cruel irony of it all, and Hyunjung can’t even stop them from flowing. Silently, blazing crystalline tracks down her cheeks, her tears go unnoticed until she has to sniff.

“Are you crying?” Sojung glances at her, smiles, wipes a droplet off with her thumb.

“I-I’m fine. Just - Hsu Taiyu,” Hyunjung jerks back slightly away from Sojung’s hand, gesturing vaguely at the movie she’s only half-watching, and Sojung smirks and shakes her head before focusing back on the movie.

Hyunjung leans her head against the wall, turning slightly away from Sojung. As a general rule, Hyunjung just doesn’t like crying because it doesn’t solve her problems, but she’s already broken everything for Sojung, and it feels like she’s hanging on by a thread. She knows it’s probably just on her side, but she feels like their friendship is being stretched to its breaking point.

Being in love with Sojung is like drowning, but Hyunjung just won’t fμcking drown.  

 

+++++

 

Maybe it'd been too much to hope that anyone would remember her birthday, but still, it hurts like a punch to the gut when all Hyunjung wakes up to is a cup of lukewarm coffee and a sticky note wishing her happy birthday. She'd expected Sojung to at least be there to say it in person, but honestly, Hyunjung’s really gotten used to being painfully disappointed.

Her phone’s flooded with birthday messages from old friends and family members, though none from anyone currently (even remotely) close to her.

She doesn't really like celebrating her birthday per se, but at least something to make her feel special would've been nice. Sojung had always celebrated with her, but then again, Hyunjung doesn't want to be petty.

It's Christmas tomorrow. She's probably gone out with Soyoung to shop for gifts and whatever.

Her mood sours slightly, but otherwise she doesn't let it dampen her spirits. She hadn't done too badly in their recent tests, so she gives herself a much needed break for the day. She goes downstairs to buy McDonald's for breakfast and has it along with the cold coffee, which she bears with because it's from Sojung.

The whole day she spends lounging in her room on YouTube, and Sojung doesn't even come back at all. Hyunjung would like to say that it doesn't affect her, but of course it does.

Am I of such little importance to her that she can't even spend the day with me?

She has pizza as a late lunch, naps, and watches a couple of episodes of SAO before her phone chimes and she rolls over onto her back to read the message.

From: Nam Dawon

Hyunjung! I'm lost on a topic and I need help do you have time please come to Juyeon’s room pls halp me:<< 7:38PM

Hyunjung sighs but sits upright. It's probably better for her to hang out with her other friends and not to semi-mope around in her room all day being the sad, neglected and forgotten kitten she is. She deems her baggy black shirt and running shorts acceptable and shuts her laptop down before grabbing her valuables.

Juyeon’s room is thankfully not too far from her own - a couple of levels up to the last floor and to the right, and she's at the right door. She knocks, says, “It's Hyunjung” and waits, combing her bangs down.

She can hear talking from inside - which halts immediately when she knocks. Then the door opens - or flies open, rather - and Hyunjung is hauled inside the dark room forcefully, her screams for bloody murder cutting off when a hand clamps over . While Juyeon closes and locks the door, Soobin mutes her, Dawon drags her in and Mei Qi rams a Mickey Mouse paper party hat onto her head.

“Happy birthday!”

Candles blaze to life, illuminating the faces of a smiling Sojung and a rather stoic Cheng Xiao, the former holding a lighter and the latter holding a mammoth of a cake. Hyunjung recognises some other familiar faces too - Xuan Yi, Luda and Jiyeon, classmates that she’s on pretty good terms with.

“God,” Hyunjung yelps, but she’s smiling wide. Then someone emerges from behind Sojung - Soyoung. And Hyunjung feels like a hole has been punched clean through her heart, because, for fμck’s sake, couldn’t Sojung stay away from Soyoung for just a couple of hours?   

She finally understands the vaguely unhappy look on Xiao’s face, but she keeps the smile up, because she either smiles or she runs, and she isn’t ruining this party for everyone.

“Make a wish and blow those damn candles out, the wax is getting everywhere,” Sojung says, grinning her stupid grin. Hyunjung is punted up to Cheng Xiao and she makes a silent wish before blowing the candles out in one powerful breath, her friends whooping and cheering like the obnoxious rats they are.

“I’m sending this to you all on Snapchat!” Juyeon yells as the plastic knife is shoved into Hyunjung’s hands and she makes a cut straight down into the cake (which turns out pretty jagged, but then again, Hyunjung’s never been that great of a cook).

“Are you sure this isn’t for Christmas and not for my birthday?” Hyunjung asks when Juyeon quickly whisks the knife away and proceeds to cut the log cake up into equal slices before Hyunjung can start mauling the cake by trying to divide it herself.

“Who gives a about Christmas when it’s the day Kim Hyunjung popped out of her mom’s hoohah and graced the Earth with her blessed existence?” Juyeon asks loudly.

“Oh, my God, Son Juyeon!”

“What did you wish for, Hyunjung?” Luda grins.

“Don’t ask her what she wished for, then it won’t come true,” Sojung admonishes, grabbing the tiny demon in a headlock. Luda struggles, and they begin wrestling right then and there. The other girls - sans Soyoung - pay them no heed, preferring to focus on the potential sugar over a live WWE match.

Hyunjung contemplates Luda’s question and Sojung’s response. Well, she considers, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference if she’d told Luda what her wish was. She smiles bitterly as she glances at Soyoung, who’s brushing Sojung off. Because, in the end, she knows that it’s never going to come true anyway.

 

+++++

 

“Hoped I’d find you up here.”

Hyunjung turns at the sound of Sojung’s voice. It’s nearly midnight, and Hyunjung had escaped the party to get some fresh - and goddamn freezing -  air on the roof, because the entirety of Juyeon’s room is filled with noisy girls and passionate karaoke (Hyunjung’d worried about the neighbours, but Juyeon said that they’re even louder drunks, so it’s fine). And to escape having to look at Soyoung, because it hurts like a whenever she does.  

“Weren’t you singing Tears with Luda?” Hyunjung faintly remembers Luda releasing a straining high note, her face turning redder than a tomato.

“We got ninety-six points and I saw that you went missing, so I went searching,” Sojung sits down on the wooden platform next to her and tosses a ball of fabric at her - Sojung’s lucky pastel blue blanket. “Went back to our room first, saw you weren’t there, grabbed my blanket because I figured you’d probably come up to the roof and I couldn’t find your damn hoodie, and then I came here.”

Hyunjung glances at her, the words falling stiffly from . “And Soyoung doesn’t mind?”

“You’re my best friend, of course she doesn’t mind. Besides, it’s your birthday.”

“Mm,” Is all Hyunjung says, because she’s honestly freezing cold and she’s regretting even coming up here, but she’s still too upset about Soyoung being at her damn party. But then Sojung takes the blanket from her and spreads it over their shoulders and Hyunjung weakens, and she hates herself for weakening.

“I told them to continue their karaoke and that we’ll be back sometime later. We have the whole night anyway. God, you’re freezing,” Sojung adds when their arms brush. She moves closer, hooking her arm with Hyunjung’s, and honestly, Hyunjung’s never felt so warm and so cold in her life. “Oh! And I also brought these.”

Sojung reaches inside her jacket pockets and pulls out two cans of beer.

“You put beer in your pockets?”

“Just for your birthday, pest,” Sojung’s smile is beautifully bright, and Hyunjung accepts a can, because, well, she’s already broken enough of her personal rules to care about alcohol.

“I’m going to get really fat after tonight. I need to hit the gym,” Hyunjung mutters, cracking the can open.

“I’ll join you.” Sojung taps her can with Hyunjung’s and they both take gulps of beer, which is still reasonably cold. Honestly, Hyunjung hates beer, as well as all other types of alcoholic beverages, really, but tonight she decides she needs it. She wants to yell at Sojung for being such an insensitive as to bring Soyoung with her, but deep down Hyunjung knows that yelling would make things worse. So she drinks, wishing the alcohol would be able to stamp out her feelings. Or at least her anger.

They sit in silence for a while, sharing each other’s meagre warmth, and staring up at the night sky. The inky blackness is speckled sparsely with stars, and a full moon shines directly above. Hyunjung cups her flimsy aluminium can of beer and loses herself in the vastness of the galaxy beyond, because imagining whatever lies in the cosmos right now is much better than dwelling on the problems she faces on Earth.

Inevitably, of course, she’s back to thinking about how she, as a planet and Sojung, as the sun, are misaligned somehow. But she knows that they aren’t, they aren’t really, because the sun and the planets are very much aligned; they’re just not ever meant to collide.  

And, well, perhaps it was always meant to be that way. Sojung is the sun, the centre of the orbit, the actual embodiment of brightness. Hyunjung is Mercury, the planet closest to the sun; closest, but never touching. Soyoung is another tiny star that collided with the sun - just that, unlike the other stars, she'd collided, and stayed.

Perhaps Hyunjung should be glad that she’s not just another star that collided with the sun, but a planet that will stay in the solar system for as long as the sun exists. Perhaps Hyunjung should be glad that she’s still relevant to the sun at all. Although never touching, she’s close enough to bear witness to the sun’s sheer gravity. And maybe that has to be enough.

A tear drips onto the front of her shirt. Another follows, and another.

Sojung notices. She blinks, brown eyes mellow with concern. “Are you okay? Why are you crying?”

Hyunjung sniffles and gently pulls her arm away from Sojung’s, wiping her tears off. She gives her friend a watery smile. “I’m fine. It’s just - I just kind of feel like crying.”

Sojung gazes at her for a moment, then slides an arm around her shoulders and pulls Hyunjung closer, so that her head is resting on Sojung’s collarbones. Her heart rate spikes, and she feels Sojung breathe softly on her crown. “Cry all you want,” She says, hand coming to rest on the side of Hyunjung’s head, her hair.

So Hyunjung cries silently - cries for the love she’ll never have, cries for how selfish and selfless Sojung is, cries just because she’s done with following her rules all the time.

She cries, and Sojung is there beside her, always, her hair in silence. Then Sojung turns her head, and places a soft kiss on Hyunjung’s crown. “I think I still have a few more minutes of today left. So, before Christmas comes and the day loses its meaning, I hope that, if you ever cry in the future, it’s because of happiness and not because of sadness.”

Hyunjung’s lips curve into a bittersweet smile below the tracks of her tears.

“I hope that we’ll always be able to be together, best friends, through thick and thin. Happy birthday, Kim Hyunjung, my actual second half. Just know that whatever it is, I’ll always be here for you.” Sojung her hair, impossibly gentle. “I love you.”

The tears flow silently, and Hyunjung has to close her eyes and breathe before she says, “I love you too.” So much more than you will ever love me.

Her voice breaks, but Sojung doesn’t catch it.  

They stay like that for a long while. Hyunjung drowns in the implications of those three words, and yet she can’t drown, because that’s what true torture is. Prolonging the pain, without any foreseeable end. Because Hyunjung will never be a Soyoung, will never be a person that Sojung will love in the same way, and it hurts. So damn much.

Kim Hyunjung is hopelessly and irreversibly in love with Chu Sojung, her best friend in the entire universe. Even though Sojung’s heart will never belong to her, she still hopes that, whoever Sojung is with, they’ll make her happy. And Hyunjung has learnt to deal with it, however much it feels like a stab in the chest every time she sees her best friend.  

Because she knows that, however many times Sojung breaks her heart, Hyunjung is still going to gravitate towards her. A planet to a sun, stuck in orbit. Always revolving, but never meeting.

Because Hyunjung is hopelessly and irreversibly in love with Chu Sojung, and maybe that has to be enough.     

+++ END +++

A mighty pain to love it is,

And 't is a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain.

               

 - Abraham Cowley

A/N

I think I lost my touch in writing angst, but well, this was a result of a valiant effort. It’s also, probably, the longest one shot I’ve ever written so far.  

Sorry not sorry :)))))

~ (Not very fluffy) Fluffy