1

“Ha Jin.”

Half asleep, I heard the hospital door closing gently. Careful steps moved closer toward me. Stifling a yawn I hauled myself away from the side of the bed, slightly irritated due to the unexpected interruption. My bleary eyes narrowed for a moment, responding to the emergence of a human shape that I naturally recognized despite my incurable myopia. Of a feminine frame, along with a fleeting sigh that sounded like self-reassurance. I gulped and rose from my chair in awkward immediateness with my head down, resisting the grasp of heavy drowsiness but my body barely compromised. I took my glasses from the pocket of my jacket, but damn it, how I hated the split second of the sensation of pain in my eyes whenever I put it on. In unexpressed weariness I straightened my back just to look a little bit normal, then turned my eyes to the cause of chaos inside my chest. It was terrifying how my legs started to shake the moment we looked at each other. Again I gulped hard with a twinge of guilt that I couldn’t even understand, oppressed by the sweet fragrance and gracefulness of her movements.

“H—hi, Ji Soo.” A shameful stammer escaped and I really wanted to hit my head on the wall. Something unpleasant stirred up my stomach as if there were wrathful butterflies in there, but I believed it wasn’t because of a biological reason. Almost always, the system of my body became unreasonably strange only in a matter of seconds when she came into my view, particularly when I didn’t expect her to come near me. “Are you coming alone?” I asked while glancing away, hoping that it wouldn’t appear rude. Then I realized how unnecessary my question was. And I just wanted to dissolve into thin air because of the embarrassment I couldn’t counter.

There came an unforced reply from her direction however, not spoken words but just an affirmative throat sound. I fixed my gaze at the monotonous paleness of the hospital wall and took a deep breath for the sake of my disoriented soul, speechless despite rumbling thoughts in my head, seeking refuge in the memories of my isolation where I was bound to nothing and nobody.

Only armed by a demure smile she was a great enemy whom I couldn’t get rid of so far as I remembered. I had the strength and ready fists to cause irreparable damage, but she had the air of mystery that sent chills to my bone and kept me awake for so many nights already. More often than not I upbraided myself for being so unable to retain my dignity in front of her, for acting as if she was a monster while I was obviously the horrible one. I wondered if she noticed it—my weakness, my distasteful attempt to steer clear of her, my horror after realizing that she seemed to be unaware of being too close to the boundary between our very different worlds.

“Ha Jin.”

I heard my name for the second time. Her tone of voice always contained intoxicating gentleness that drove me insane. I shifted restlessly on the floor, in a dilemma of looking back at her or defending myself against her exhaustive concern. Whatever I did, whatever I said, she never seemed upset and that unpredictability only made me sink deeper in a guilty conscience. That’s why she was much more dangerous than some vandals I had ever experienced a brawl with. Fists tight on my sides I unconsciously extended the period of silence, breathing heavily as if I took a steep climb to the top of a mountain full of burning rocks and then got besieged by hungry wolves. I knew I couldn’t escape her. Like always, I ended up ensnared in the intricacy of her calmness. She was the reason of my paranoia, at the same time reminding me of someone. Of the light of my life that could no longer give me the warmth I had been longing for. Of my dear mother. I turned my eyes and felt my heart drop as I rested my entire consciousness on a beautiful face that started to become spoiled by age and pain. I slightly trembled, drawing myself closer to the bedridden patient, my fingers crawling on the frail frame that was now weighed down with complex medical devices.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

I immediately reacted with alarm to the palpable amount of inquisitiveness in her voice, breath rasping in my chest. When I turned my face, she was already nearer than before and I gasped in surprise. Why did she become the storm that wreaked havoc in what I expected to be perfect loneliness? Why did she string all things together when all I wanted was separation? Didn’t she know that she was a threat to my comfort? I had this circle, alone. Only me and my monster. And I couldn’t welcome any outsider to come in, not even my mother who belonged to a completely different world. A world where only unfathomable values of love and divine inspiration resided. A world where you could believe that fairies and unicorns really existed. She was a part of that world too. Far, far away beyond my reach. Just like my mother, she was present around me but we were spiritually miles apart. Unattached but side by side, like the light and the darkness. I was so unprepared for her sudden approach, seeing myself in the midst of a dangerous road where a car came straight toward me with high speed.

Park Ji Soo—the name of my greatest enemy.

Sadly, she didn’t knew it.

Known as the first-born of the Park family, she enjoyed the life of a modern princess with the unquestionable fact that her parents were successful entrepreneurs in the town. Her father, Park Kwang Soo, used to be a sculpture artist and in the past four years his furniture business had been growing very impressively. Go Ji Hyun was her mother, a very hardworking woman from whom Ji Soo inherited the enigmatic natural beauty, establishing her own kingdom in bakery business that became one of the icons of the town. Both were humble and generous souls despite the financial success, kinds that belonged to absolute scarcity in the world where humans killed humans for the sake of fraudulent illusions.

With such awe-inspiring background of family Ji Soo deserved the spotlight when she walked past the school gate, when she solved the most frustratingly difficult equation, when she laughed with her friends during lunch break, even when she did nothing at all. She was kind, ingenious, well-mannered, ethereally beautiful—the real definition of perfection. And people in this circle always made me cringe. She was a gifted soul. The apple of the eye of everyone, as well as the subject of envy. Under her feet were parts of the world she conquered almost effortlessly. And it was easy to believe that heaven was fond of her too. That’s why I couldn’t stand her. Only seeing her from afar sent shudders down my spine already. To me she was like a priceless diamond that shone too brightly, even the darkness couldn’t swallow down the light of her existence. Our realms were two opposite poles. She was a butterfly while I was the polluted air. And whenever she came near I was scared of suffocating her, of defiling her beautiful wings.

“Are you alright? Ha Jin?” she asked with a note of puzzlement, pinching the fabric on my arm.

A gasp of fear left my parted lips as I snapped out of my thoughts, then for a few seconds I gave up the pace of my breath. “Ah—! Um, yes...” I replied frantically, distancing myself from her without thinking of the likely insolence of my avoidance.

Ji Soo responded to my unpreparedness with a frown of worry, but then she fell completely silent. She, too, stepped back and acted carefully when she offered something that she took from her bag.

With unblinking eyes I asked, “What’s this for?”

Raised closer toward me was a pack of moist towelettes. “It seems to me that you haven’t properly removed your clown makeup,” she said.

I quickly turned my face away and looked for the nearest cabinet. My reflection was quite clear on the glass surface. She was right about the unfinished matter of my part-time job. Sighing helplessly, I accepted her help and dropped my gaze. But instead of thanking her, I muttered, “Sorry for my unsightly look.” Uneasiness made me feel like there were shards under my feet. I saw a bead of sweat falling from my chin.

“Don’t feel sorry.” Even in the uncomfortable atmosphere, she never failed to amaze me. “I know you’ve worked really hard today.”

Just leave me alone.

“Have you had dinner?”

My stomach betrayed me with such loud growls, but I remained silent.

Don’t get near me.

“Sleeping on an empty stomach is not a healthy habit, you see?” she emphasized.

Stop. Just stop. Why do you—

“If you fall sick just because of a ridiculous reason, how will you take care of your mother?” A brutal checkmate. “She needs you the most, does she not?”

.

“You’re a human, Lee Ha Jin, not a machine.” Tangible criticism escaped . “So long as you live, you need to eat to live well. Does you not learn that in Biology class?”

I shifted my gaze down on the spur of the moment. I should have noticed something like a box wrapped in pink polka-dot cloth that she had been holding sooner. That gave me a terrible feeling. Just then I realized that all things she had said were only desperate attempts to subdue my rebellion.

“Tell your Mom, please,” I gulped hard, but guilt felt like a thorn in my throat, “she doesn’t need to do something burdensome like this anymore for me.”

I was talking about the straight truth that Ji Soo’s mother always cared about me more than what I could bear, asking me how I was every single day, if I got hurt, if I had a crush at school, if I enjoyed my part-time jobs, if I could teach her sometimes about some of the magic tricks I knew, and just many, many more. But what troubled me the most of all things was the fact that Ji Soo’s mother was too nice to be true for she always spared time to cook me good food, making sure that I had three good meals a day and was healthy. For me, seriously, it all was wrong. I couldn’t make myself understand Ji Soo, her mother, her father and even her sister—all members of the Park family. Their solicitousness toward me for all these years had set a rope around my neck and choked me. I was trapped in the horror of the circle of light, being the object of their favoritism. I was showered with love, but my freedom had been long taken away by something real, something unceasing that was even more dangerous than deceptive mirages. And every day I was so drowned in remorse from my ungratefulness.

“This is...” I lost what I wanted to say. Something cold bit my fingertips although I could feel the temperature rising. Hinting the of my surrender, I stepped back again and looked at her apologetically. “I cannot—”

“I made that,” she cut me off, making a small pout, eyes fixed at me with intensity that made my mind blank immediately.

What?

“Soo An helped me too,” she added, mentioning the name of her six-year-old sister. “She used all stocks of carrots and broccoli in the kitchen. How easy to read her mind.” A smile of amusement was thrown at me. I quickly looked down from an outpouring of nervousness. “That sly little devil.”

I didn’t know if I felt blessed or otherwise. I couldn’t define the abnormal acceleration of the beats in my chest, but as expected I ended up being the one victimized by her silent intimidation. She only stood there keeping her distance and watching me expectantly, like an alluring ivy that hid poison in its thorns and leaves, so dangerously beautiful that I froze with nausea from a foreboding that churned my insides. The temptation was intense and precise like a double-edged sword, turning me into a total coward as I tried to defend the last stronghold of my sanity.

Breaking the period of silence, Ji Soo sighed then said, “Mom told me she couldn’t reach you on your cell phone.”

I could only shift my gaze from side to side, unable to face her.

“It’s strange as well as funny that she’s more a worrywart toward you than her own girls.”

“The battery’s dead,” I succinctly replied with a regretful tone of voice, still not looking at her. “Sorry.”

“Fine.” Complete, immediate approval. I wasn’t even sure if she heard my apology. “I’ll tell her you’re still in one piece.” Ji Soo swiftly moved toward the bedside locker behind me, then laid down the container of packed meal on it. Suddenly I caught a heady waft of her sweet perfume and tensed up with chaos inside me, holding my own wrist so tightly that I could feel the flow of blood in my veins stop. That was horrifying. I couldn’t decide if she was an innocent angel or actually a sly tempter. “I gotta go now,” she finally concluded her visit, so uninhibited and guiltless and that kind of expression really raised my suspicion. “I got a desperate call from a er who is apparently still stuck in the school library at this hour. Can’t be helped.”

Right. Just leave me alone.

After giving a warm greeting and a respectful bow to my mother, Ji Soo composedly returned her gaze to me and even though I knew she wouldn’t walk away without leaving some heartwarming words for me, I was still shocked by her courtesy. When she finally turned around and ambled toward the door, I dropped my bottom back on the chair, a wave of relief sweeping over me. It was crazy as hell that my life would be just fine without her being around me. She was unbelievably kind and beautiful—I could say it a thousand times and I believed I didn’t overreact—a perfect type of girl every mother would want to have as a daughter and a daughter-in-law. She was almost indescribable in every aspect of her life to the extent I was terrified that such a person really existed, making me feel like I was the only alien from a different planet since every time I wished I wasn’t caught by her vision. Only Park Ji Soo could do this to me. I became a man without pride, pride that once made me vastly superior and feared by anyone. How I despised my current self. And I wanted to despise her, forsook her, but I was no longer as unfeeling as I used to be. I needed to embrace my evil back. Benevolence and sincerity had turned me into a pathetic being and I couldn’t break the goddamn chains.

“By the way.”

That familiar voice struck me all of a sudden and I rose to my feet again in mortal dread. Park Ji Soo hadn’t left my world. She turned back just before she reached the knob of the door.

“Joo Hyuk confessed his love to me at school today.”

For a while I believed I couldn’t feel the solid base under me. Perhaps I forgot how to speak as if brain-dead. She clearly mentioned the name of the Prince Charming of our school, a rich cool guy, the famous captain of the basketball team, another member of the world full of dazzling and almost transcendent people that I didn’t belong to. The news she told me was unsurprising. They perfectly fitted together. The Prince and the Princess of the town. It was one of the unsaid rules in society. Good would only meet good, bad would only meet bad. Nobody would voice objections, particularly because both inarguably had significance that no other young townspeople could surpass. I reacted to her honest statement with little interest, contradicting a certain part of me that strangely ached as I looked fixedly at her. The part of me that was directly kissed by dull but irksome pain, I didn’t know if it was small or big, and I didn’t know what it was for. Or maybe I just refused to know. And I prepared myself for her next words.

“I told him I couldn’t reciprocate his feeling.”

What?

“Don’t think of it seriously,” she continued in a level voice, a cryptic smile on her lips. I thought I wanted to knock myself on the head. “I just feel like telling you. That’s all.”

In a matter of seconds she disappeared from my field of vision, leaving behind sheer confusion that made me want to crush something with my fists. Laughing quietly in the agony of losing against my long-time enemy, I clasped the cold rail of my mother’s hospital bed until I heard my fingers cracking, staring into space directionlessly. Anger smoldered in my chest and unfortunately I couldn’t let it out. In helplessness I was dying, in so much pain for being placed under control of someone else. I thought I could get used to this kind of considerate authority, but the more I tried to cope with it the more I realized that I craved the darkness where nobody could find me. I missed my old self despite unforgivable sins I committed back then. Now I was just an eagle in a cage, being tamed and fed, being nursed by foreign affection, lost inside myself as I broke apart between submission and resistance. Even so, I always failed to keep Ji Soo off my mind and continuously berated myself for that. While I raised an impenetrable barrier to avoid the world, she infiltrated every layer of me so effortlessly. I covered my face with the funniest clown makeup to make people laugh, but I hated the fact that she could easily see through me and pick up on my weakness.

“I just feel like telling you. That’s all.”

I squeezed the fabric on my chest as I turned my weary gaze to my mother’s peaceful face. For the sake of her, I didn’t give up the struggle to continue to live. And because of her, the Park family entered my life. It really was a cruel twist of fate and we both ended up resigning ourselves to it. Many lessons were learned ever since, but even until now I still couldn’t make myself understand people and their hearts. My mother could have just abandoned an ungrateful son like me, but she didn’t. The Park family could have just acted like they never knew us eight years ago and let us starve to death, but they didn’t. Unconditional kindness was and still very alien to me, but I found myself learning it little by little. I knew I was never perfect from the beginning, but it was frightening as well as amazing how time could fix my perspectives. But I had been living in the darkness for a long time, behind a lot of masks, until this certain girl threatened me with her unsolved mysteries. She was a danger but I felt drawn to her. And when I knew she rejected the most famous guy in the town, I was confused with myself.

Inconsistencies arose during my silence. I felt like a toy being tossed here and there. Anger came to me at first, then fear, and eventually something irrelevant engulfed me.

What was that?

Relief?

I blew a labored sigh and looked back at the packed meal Ji Soo had delivered. Her soft, sweet fragrance that reminded me of comfort and safeness still lingered around me. Perhaps I was sedated by it. Calling her my friend never crossed my mind, but yes, we had been together for eight years. Years of hardship from letting go of the past and advancing toward the future. And I couldn’t deny that she had been a part of our hard work and perseverance. Despite my unwelcoming manner she always talked to me, helped me, reminded me of things I didn’t consider, until we both grew up and I realized that I had to stay away from her for I could never be on a par with her. I was so aware of my position, but she didn’t notice it and instead turned into someone who tested my patience all the time.

It was when I looked away then I spotted something gleaming on the floor near the door.

I left my chair and moved to pick it up in curiosity.

The unfamiliar object was a cigarette lighter, much to my surprise.

Why is it here?

I didn’t smoke definitely. And nobody was allowed to smoke in the hospital area. My suspicion was led to Park Ji Soo who was present a while ago, but I was unable to think of anything that could relate her to the lighter. She was a young lady with inspiring attitude toward health, and of course, never had the unpleasant smell of a smoker.

Whose lighter is this?

Then suddenly I heard a few knocks on the door. I lifted up my face to see who was coming, but what I found was a face of a clown looking at me through the glass part of the door. I dropped the lighter out of shock. I thought it was my own reflection, but soon I knew it wasn’t. Then I heard, distantly, creepy laughs as well as a birthday song and claps of hands. So overwhelmed by growing fear I froze and continued to look at the door. The clown had disappeared, replaced by total darkness that made me unable to see the hospital corridor. Something felt so wrong. Outside there the entire place was out, but the electricity seemed unaffected in the hospital room where my mother and I were. Wasn’t it strange? With a chill of apprehension I looked around at my surroundings then fixed my eyes at the woman who gave birth to me, making sure that nothing harmed her. I could take a deep breath as I watched the serenity on her face that remained the same despite wrinkles and illness, but when I dropped my step toward her direction, sudden rude knocks on the door made me leap out of my skin. Such playfulness couldn’t be tolerated. I cursed under my breath asking who the hell did it, but then I was terrified at the sight of green smoke sneaking in through the narrow opening under the door. I panicked and immediately backed away from the ominous sign.

What the hell is happening?!