Searching through his pockets for his keys, he hurried down the long hallway of his apartment building. Head down he avoided the looks some of the neighbors who were meandering in the hall gave him. A few called out his name, but he didn't know them and didn't want to know them. All he wanted was to blend in, a far cry from the personality of his youth. He would have liked to forget everything about his past, despite the relative comfort he now lived in because of it, he wished it had all been a bad dream. 
Reaching his apartment door, he barely took notice of the form curled up next to it; wouldn't be the first time someone passed out in the hall. When a hand came out and grasped his leg he flinched back, his heart racing until he met the large dark eyes and recognition flooded through him. Parched lips parted and the one on the floor was whispering his name.

"JungMin, help me." The eyes were red, face was gaunt and haggard and his hair was a rats nest of tangles. No one would have recognized him, not unless they had spent every day for eight years together. Pulling his leg from the others' grasp JungMin stared down at him, thinly veiled contempt that the other shrank back from.
"Help you? I tried that once, remember?" JungMin fit his key into the lock and opened his door. "And what did I get for my efforts? Jail time, being outted, and my career destroyed. Why don't you just go crawl in a hole and die somewhere HyunJoong." He moved to enter his apartment, but a hand on his arm held him in place.
"Please, JungMin," his words were louder, but the voice had lost the richness that had defined it. "You're the only one who can help me."
"I don't think you understand," JungMin whirled around, knocking the hand off his arm, the force sending HyunJoong's lithe frame into the wall. "I never want to see you again, I told you that a year ago when I got clean." He looked HyunJoong up and down, taking note of his ripped and baggy jeans, the dirty t-shirt that hung too loose on his frame. There were also the track marks up the inside of his arm, the back of his hands; he guessed there were likely more on his legs and hips. Shaking visibly and scratching at an arm absently, HyunJoong was still staring at him, his eyes pleading. With a sigh, JungMin pulled out his wallet, pulling out what little cash he had he pushed it into HyunJoong's hand. "Go get something to eat. This is the last thing I'm doing for you." He turned and went inside, slamming the door behind him.

Back to the door, JungMin slid down and sat on the floor, his heart racing as he held back the tears. He had always considered himself strong, but when it came to HyunJoong the man broke his barriers completely. It took every ounce of will to push the man out of his life. He could hear the sobs on the other side of the door, the cries of a desperate man who had just lost everything.
"I'm sorry HyunJoong," he whispered and buried his face in his hands.
It was nearly an hour before the sobs faded to silence, JungMin's teeth clenched the entire hour, forcing himself to stay still, not to give in. Standing up, he sighed deeply and opened the door, hoping HyunJoong had finally left. Not prepared for the sight of HyunJoong curled up in front of his door asleep, JungMin's resolve shattered and he gathered the too thin man into his arms and pulled him into the apartment. Settling him onto the couch, he went to the kitchen to prepare some tea. Every instinct in him was screaming that this wrong, he shouldn't be letting HyunJoong back in his life, let alone his apartment. There was a sound of movement from the other room and he peered in, HyunJoong was sitting up, looking around with a frightened expression.
"I couldn't just let you sleep on my doorstep, the neighbors would have a fit," JungMin walked around the corner and leaned against the wall, his arms crossed.
"Thank you," HyunJoong was staring at him, and he his lips nervously before taking a deep breath. "I don't blame you for hating me. I hate me too."
"Don't start that with me," JungMin scowled and turned back into the kitchen at the sound of the kettle whistling. He returned with the tea and set it on the table in front of HyunJoong and took a seat in the chair on the other side. "Hating yourself isn't going to help matters, let me hate you enough for the both of us," came the wry response.
"JungMin-" HyunJoong was gripping the teacup and scowling down into the dark waters of the tea.
"Look," JungMin interjected, "if you're wanting to go on some melodramatic journey with me about how you miss me and all that you can just save it, I don't want to hear it."
"You really haven't changed," HyunJoong chuckled, the sound was raspy that quickly turned into dry coughing.
"That's where you're wrong," JungMin moved to get him a glass of water, handing it to him and looking in his eyes before releasing. "I'm not the same fun loving guy I was two years ago, I had to grow up." HyunJoong returned his gaze, accepting the water. He took a long drink and set it on the table in front of him.
"I know," he smirked, "but we did have some good times though, didn't we?"
"That was a long time ago," JungMin retook his seat, "before people started dying."
"It wasn't supposed to happen like that," HyunJoong shook his head. "No one was supposed to get hurt, it was just a bit of fun."
"It was never fun HyunJoong! It was an illusion," JungMin slammed his hand down onto the side table, the cup rattling from the shock. "We never needed it, and it should never have started. You were our leader; you were supposed to protect us, guide us. We trusted you to do what was right for us, instead you destroyed us." He was getting angry all over again over two year old memories that were best left forgotten. "I will always hold you responsible for introducing that friend of yours to KyuJong. Sweet KyuJong who almost died because of the that pumped into him. KyuJong didn't deserve that. None of us deserved that," HyunJoong flinched and shrank back into the couch. JungMin took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down, there was no use in rehashing this out. It was the same argument they'd had a year ago, when JungMin had been released from rehab. That time it had been him pushing the leader to get help.

"I almost died last week," HyunJoong spoke quietly, rolling the cup in his hand back and forth. "I woke up face down in a puddle on the side of the road. When I stood up and got up onto the sidewalk, some came careening around a corner and crashed into the curb where I had been. One minute more and I would have been flattened." His hands came to together with a smacking sound, "Flattened like a pancake."
"Why are you telling me this?" JungMin sighed and leaned back into his chair.
"When I woke up," HyunJoong continued, "I didn't know how I had got there. Or what day it was, let alone what month. I was sober for the first time in years and it felt... it felt good." 
"So you came down off of a binge and had an epiphany," JungMin's tone was sarcastic. "It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. That doesn't explain why you came to me."
"It's different this time," HyunJoong shook his head emphatically. "When I watched that car smash into the curb, I really felt that close to death. I was sober, and I was staring at the spot I would have died, and for the first time it really hit me. I didn't want to die, there was so much more for me, more than drugs and booze and . I wanted a life back, my life. You were the first thing I thought of, and how badly I treated you. I needed to make amends to you and the others, I needed to get clean. But I can't do it without your help."
"You almost got me killed the last time I tried to help," JungMin retorted. "I tried to help you, because I loved you. But getting shot at and arrested was more than I was willing to accept as a part of loving you. I took the fall for you, and you skipped out on me. Why should I help you now?"
"You're the only one I can trust JungMin," there were tears building and HyunJoong was trying to blink them away. "You're all I have left. You're the only one who believed in me. Maybe it's too much to think you'd still believe in me again, but I had to try. I had to ask." JungMin stared at him for a long time, a war was waging between his head and heart. He knew it could be the biggest mistake of his life, but he was so weak when it came to HyunJoong. Those large doe eyes that had his defenses crumbling; it's what got him in this mess in the first place.
"Okay HyunJoong," he sighed after a long while of contemplation. Reaching for his phone, he scrolled through his contacts. "I'll get you help."
"What are you doing?" HyunJoong slid nervously to the front of the couch, like he was going to bolt at any second.
"I'm calling the clinic to get you into the rehab program," JungMin found the number and went to push the button to dial.
"No, please, no clinic. Tomorrow we can go to the clinic, but help me get through one night, please," HyunJoong was on his knees now in front JungMin, the tears streaming down his face as he clasped his knee. "Please, just this first night. Please JungMin." He knew it was dangerous, he knew the pain. He didn't want HyunJoong to have to go through that without a doctor's care. But he also remembered how scared and lonely those first few days were.
"Just one night HyunJoong," he agreed, still hesitant. "If anything happens though, I'm taking you to the hospital." HyunJoong clung to JungMin's leg, sobbing and nodding his head, mumbling through the cries he understood.

The first order of business JungMin had declared was a shower, which he pushed HyunJoong in almost without letting him undress. While the elder showered JungMin rifled through his pockets, removing anything of value and tossing the soiled clothing down the garbage chute. He helped cut and style HyunJoong's hair, as most of the length wasn't salvageable. Rummaging through his closet he found some of HyunJoong's old clothes which were a little loose, but the right length.
"I feel like a new man already?" HyunJoong smiled.
"We'll see how you feel in a few hours," JungMin returned the smile, a tinge of sadness in his tone. They both knew the symptoms would start, and nothing would prevent it. He had been addicted for far too long. The twitching had already started, and it wasn't long before he was starting to pace around the room. JungMin did his best to distract him with conversation.
"How is KyuJong, anyway?" HyunJoong was standing in front of the bookcase in the corner that held a lifetime of memories: photos, CD's, DVD's, the entire history of a group that had once defined who they were.
"He's good. I had dinner with them not too long ago," JungMin was watching him carefully.
"Them? Oh, so they're still..." HyunJoong trailed off, pulling off a picture frame from one of the shelves, five smiles staring back at him.
"Yeah, I don't think anything could break them apart at this point," JungMin moved to stand next to him. "They went through a lot too. They're still performing too, doing pretty well for themselves."
"Good, I'm glad," he let his fingers run over the glass, as if he was trying to reach through the glass back to that moment, when they were still five as one. "What about HyungJun?"
"Far as I know, he's doing okay. Still doing the radio thing, going to be hosting some variety show soon," JungMin sighed, looking over their life from three years ago.
"He won't have anything to do with us, will he," HyunJoong sighed bitterly.
"No, he stopped returning my calls. YoungSaeng said he's only passably polite if they have to work together. He resents us for what happened, and I don't begrudge him that," JungMin turned to look HyunJoong who was starting to shake. "You should probably sit down."

Curled up on the bathroom floor, HyunJoong was shaking with his head in JungMin's lap. JungMin was dabbing at his forehead with a wet washcloth and wiping the remnants of bile from his lips. HyunJoong was clutching at his stomach and groaning in pain. The throwing up had come a couple hours after the shaking started. It was well past midnight at this point, and as exhausted as JungMin was he knew HyunJoong needed him. 
"You need to drink some water," he murmured quietly, loud noises being too much for HyunJoong to handle at this point.
"I'll just throw it up," was the response.
"And then I'll make you drink more," JungMin sniped, a firm hand was needed for this kind of work. He pushed HyunJoong to a sitting position, back leaning against his chest. He wrapped his arm around him and brought the cup up to his lips. "Just a sip, need to keep you hydrated."
"How did you get through it?" HyunJoong asked after he took the proffered water. 
"Sheer willpower," JungMin responded and set the glass on the floor. He wrapped his arms back around and clung to the shivering man.
"I don't know if I can do this," he was crying, mostly as a reaction to the withdrawl, but the hitch in his voice made the emotion clear. 
"You can, you were the strongest out of all of us," JungMin gripped tighter, trying to be careful and supportive at the same time.
"I was only strong because I had you to hold me up," HyunJoong turned his head to face JungMin. "I couldn't do this without you."
"I know," JungMin smiled and kissed his clammy forehead.


The car sat idling in the drive, JungMin was leaning against the driver's door with a bouquet of flowers in one hand. It had been two months since he had found HyunJoong curled up at this doorstep, one foot in the grave. Two months since he had got HyunJoong into rehab, and every day he worried if he would get the call that HyunJoong had left, relapsed, and was missing. Two months, and now he was being released with a clean bill of health, and sobriety. He almost didn't recognize HyunJoong when he stepped out the door of the hospital, bag slung over his shoulder. His hair was longer, frame filled out, and a broad grin on his face. He skipped down the stairs and rushed into JungMin's waiting arms.
"You look good," JungMin hugged him tight.
"So do you," he responded and pulled back. "Thank you."
"For what?" JungMin held out the flowers and HyunJoong took them, making a face. Still wasn't a fan of overly sentimental offerings, but JungMin didn't care.
"For being my support," HyunJoong said with a smile. "I love you JungMin."
"Well it's not like anyone else was volunteering," he smirked. "I love you too HyunJoong." He gave his cheek a playful pat. "Let's get going, don't want to be late to your birthday slash congratulations party now do we?"
"I would hardly call take out at your place a party," HyunJoong scoffed, walking around and opening the car door.
"You think I'm so cheap?" Offended, JungMin retorted before getting in. "We're going out to a nice restaurant with nice people and are going to have a nice time."
"Nice people? Who do you know that's nice?" HyunJoong was in jovial spirits, a much different attitude from the last time they had been together.
"Three of the most wonderful people we have had the pleasure of knowing," JungMin smiled as he turned the ignition and put on his seat belt.
"Three?" HyunJoong's smile faded slightly, from shock more than anything.
"Yes, three," JungMin laughed, pulling the car out and heading down the drive. "I got a call last week, someone remembered we had an anniversary coming up. Wanted to put the past behind us, start again."
"Do you think they'll forgive me?" HyunJoong asked quietly, his gaze shifting to out the car window.
"I think they will, if you ask nicely," was the reply and the car to the road heading in to the city. "HyungJun wants to put on a concert. Maybe an album. He also mentioned a tour, but I told him that might be pushing it."
"Always so full of ambition," HyunJoong laughed, really laughing for the first time in what felt like forever.
"That's our magnae," JungMin shook his head, reaching his hand over to take HyunJoong's, fingers intertwining. "Who knows? Now that we've got our leader back, anything is possible."
"Right, anything is possible," HyunJoong sighed and closed his eyes, clutching JungMin's hand in both of his. "It feels good to be back."