Final
Little Victories“Jong Up’s gotten a lot better with skinship.”
Young Jae politely turned around, letting go off the door’s brushed nickel handle and letting it fall closed with a quiet click. He adjusted the strap of his bag from where it was cutting into his shoulder.
Dae Hyun was grinning brightly, insurmountably proud of himself. Young Jae could tell in how he puffed up with a broad smile and a playful glint in his expression. Young Jae echoed that smile back dully out of responsibility, not entirely sure what started this topic immediately after their extended vocal practice. Dae Hyun didn’t notice the lackluster return and kept talking. He moved his hands animatedly with wild gestures. He knocked into the chair in front of the soundboard but either didn’t notice, or didn’t care.
“I can’t believe it, if I’m being honest,” the older vocalist continued. Young Jae shifted his weight to his left leg and tapped the toe of his right shoe on the floor.
“What has you thinking about this?” he finally asked asked with a of both inquisitiveness and tepid conversationalism.
“I don’t know, I’ve just thought about it during practice and I think I really helped him a lot and, Jae, even you’ve seen it, the fans like him a lot more too.” Dae Hyun laughed, eyes crinkling with pride. “Who knew all it took was just...I don’t know, just finally getting him used to it?”
--
December, 2014
Jong Up’s expression was flatter than usual as he petulantly remained seated on the couch. His legs were uncharacteristically tucked underneath him, bare feet poking out on one side. He flicked his thumb from right to left, up and down, on his phone, scrolling through social media, reading manga, anything that wasn’t packing his share of things up from the dorm.
Down the hall, Young Jae was close to being done. They had been given days to do this and he had packed carefully and neatly over the time given. He could’ve written an itinerary with how purposefully he had sorted everything. But there was something about his personal last night there made him move slow- sluggish with regret and disappointment. He revisited old conversations in his head and imagined future ones in great detail.
He carried a bag filled with electronic cords, camera memory cards and attachments into the living room and propped it up against one of the barren walls. It was all packaged safely to keep the precious cargo away from any unfortunate moving related accidents. He felt raw and defenseless and the atmosphere in the dorm was starved of conversation even with four people still here. Young Jae saw Jong Up sitting on the couch (which belonged to no one and was destined to stay in the dorm) and almost didn’t stop to talk to him. He inhaled, steeling himself up to ignore the quiet, sulking, dancer and finish what he had to do tonight but a guilty glance at just the right time all but broke Young Jae’s weakened heart.
Jong Up had noticed Young Jae suspended in transit and determinately looked away. He was biting his lower lip, a habit not native to him and staring off at what was now an empty wall. Jun Hong’s music drifted from the other side, even with his door firmly shut. It reminded Young Jae of how he felt when he’d get caught up in staring at his phone as his the numbers next to his messages to Dae Hyun disappeared with no response. Poorly prepared for anything with his own crumbled walls Young Jae slowly sat down next to him.
Jong Up looked down- focusing on his phone screen and not saying anything, even when it locked from inactivity. Young Jae used his already depleted energy to talk first.
“Are you already packed?”
Jong Up shook his head. “Not yet…”
Young Jae looked around before turning his hand over, palm up, and putting it next to Jong Up’s leg. His knuckles brushed against the other’s thigh and he didn’t even feel Jong Up tense like he usually would. Several long seconds of silence passed. Young Jae didn’t have it in him to talk right now. He was emotionally drained and he was so tired. He didn’t have the energy to cheer Jong Up up. Not when there was hardly enough positivity to keep himself afloat.
It took a while before Young Jae finally felt rough fingers intertwine with his, callouses running over the sensitive parts of his hand. He waited a few more seconds before gently squeezing Jong Up’s hand. Young Jae exhaled deeply, so relieved. Though he had been the one to offer the hand, Young Jae felt an unexpected rush of reassurance.
“I’ll help you if you want,” the vocalist offered. Jong Up’s fingers tightened a little.
“Okay.”
Several minutes passed before either one of them got up.
--
“I mean, you’ve seen it too, right?”
Young Jae nodded, the older vocalist barreling over any chance of him actually agreeing aloud.
“He even starts it sometimes!” Dae Hyun continued. “I don’t know, heh, it almost makes me feel special.”
Young Jae laughed. “You are some kind of special, I’ll give you that.”
--
December, 2014
“You think I would actually watch the season finale of this drama alone? After we watched the whole thing together?” Young Jae actually sounded offended, arms crossed defensively. He stood between Jong Up, who stepped stiffly in his parent’s living room, and the couch. Back with their family is where everyone had ended up. Jong Up was looking around at the bright room with crisp white walls lined with modest furniture and decorations all assembled with talent. Though each item was quaint, every accent was perfect and it constructed a sky-like white and blue colour scheme. It looked like something out of a magazine. He squinted at different things, shifting his weight from foot to foot on the thick white rug. Young Jae found himself looking at his highlighter green socks, watching him wiggle his toes before looking up at his face.
“It smells like vanilla.”
Young Jae felt his ears burn a little. Jong Up often took the conversation where he wanted it.
“Is that a bad thing? My mom likes candles.”
Jong Up grinned and finally stopped inspecting every corner of the room, stepping around the pale wood coffee table and sitting down on the middle of the couch politely. “No, I like it. Your house is really nice.” He sat oddly straight, even though he had always exemplified good posture it was just a little unnatural. He looked out of place in a faded black hoodie with just enough of his wrists showing that Young Jae could guess it wasn’t his.
Even after the clarification, Young Jae’s ears were still burning. He uncrossed his arms and rubbed at them. “Thanks.” He sat down on Jong Up’s left since he had determined the middle was the place to sit, and Young Jae didn’t really mind enough to tell him to move. He leaned forward, opening his drink with a loud aluminum pop and taking a sip. The television played boring advertisements at a low volume to fill the gap before the anticipated show actually started.
“Is it really?” Young Jae asked, compuslively revisiting the topic to soften the edge of disbelief in his voice.
Jong Up nodded, watched Young Jae first, and then opened his own drink. “Yeah.”
“What’s your house like? I’ve never asked...”
Jong Up looked over, taking a shallow sip and setting his drink down on a mosaic coaster that matched the blue pillows on either side of the couch. He finally leaned back. “It’s...well, it’s a little smaller...and...it’s different. You’ll just...have to see it.”
“Is that an invitation?”
Jong Up looked over to his left, rubbing along his jawline with two fingers. “Yeah. Ah, you owe me. After this. Payment for my moral support.”
Young Jae rolled his eyes. “Are you going to make me watch the goldfish movie?”
“Yeah. I think you’ll like it...” The ambiguous description and the sarcastic tone and expression didn’t deter Jong Up and he answered brightly.
The conversation stopped there, the show starting with pink and white tinged flashbacks and they both got quiet to watch. It took ten minutes into the episode, but Jong Up had stopped being rigid. He always sat with his legs so wide and Young Jae thought for sure he was going to move over towards the empty part of the couch. But he didn’t. Young Jae didn’t really care. Jong Up let his leg rest up against Young Jae’s for the rest of the show, only moving when the finale made the vocalist jump up from the couch in indignation at the cliff hanger set-up for a possible second season.
It was simple and shockingly normal as they got sweet and sugary smoothies together (Young Jae ranting quietly the whole way about the last second plot twist), enjoying their food freedom before Jong Up went back to the train station for the long ride home.
Young Jae might of felt a little guilty for asking Jong Up to travel so far just to watch a television show.
--
Dae Hyun gave Young Jae a feigned expression of exasperation. “Don’t be jealous. You’re just mad because I’m not bugging you anymore and you’re bored."
Young Jae snorted and grinned at his friend. “Oh yeah, that’s totally it. I’m super jealous."
--
January, 2015
Jong Up’s family home was really quite different. The living room, kitchen, and dining room blended into each other with furniture that was definitely not from the same set. Where Young Jae had neat black-framed artwork and decorative wall hangings, Jong Up had mismatched family photographs and certificates and awards all the way from 1989. Most of the pictures were silly polaroids or those store-developed pictures that usually found their way into photo albums, all stuffed in the corners of different frames. The kitchen was overflowing- stickers, paper clippings, and a clutter of magnets on the refrigerator, narrow countertops stacked with fruit and vegetables and extra cookware that seemed to not have anywhere to go. The table was meant for four but had an extra metal folding chair tucked underneath it that sat a few inches lower than the rest of the seats. They must’ve ate dinner all together recently. Young Jae at least knew that Jong Up’s oldest brother didn’t live at home.
Regardless, it was clean and inviting, if not a little at capacity. Jong Up gestured with both hands to either side of him in a sweeping motion. “I told you it was different.”
Young Jae looked around, wanting to inspect every frame on the wall, recognising a younger Jong Up in some of them, but deciding against it.
“It smells like oranges.”
Jong Up looked over in the kitchen. “Hanrabong and tangerines,” he elaborated. “My mom made juice this morning.” He paused. “Do you want some? It’s pretty good.”
“Really? Yeah, I wanna try it.” Young Jae had nearly forgotten about Jong Up’s family’s attachment to cooking and food.
It was sweeter than he expected. And he knew it was expensive but Jong Up had filled up a tall glass without hesitation. He didn’t have a coffee table in his living room but Jong Up sat down in the middle of the couch again (an older couch that comfortably you in when you sat) and Young Jae sat to his left and was given access to a faded side-table where he was encouraged to put his drink. Jong Up put his glass on the floor.
Like Young Jae had promised in return for Jong Up watching the drama with him, they watched the movie the dancer had insisted Young Jae would like.
Glasses empty and what had to be at least halfway through the movie, Young Jae felt Jong Up lean on his shoulder. It started with just being shoulder-to-shoulder. Jong Up had little give in his form so Young Jae felt it obviously. He carefully didn’t move. As time progressed, Jong Up inched lower until his head was just barely leaning on Young Jae’s shoulder instead and he had fit himself around his side. It made Young Jae feel like he was melting against him. The analogy made him nervous but Young Jae didn’t say anything. He supposed Jong Up was lonlier than he would ever openly admit. Neither one of them were really watching the movie, just focusing on the unspoken contact while Young Jae stared at the pictures on the wall.
--
“I knew it! You’re totally jealous!” Dae Hyun teased. “Don’t worry, I still like you the most, hahaha!” He made an exaggerated kissing face and Young Jae held his hand out as if to keep Dae Hyun at bay. He couldn’t help but break out into a small smile but crossed his arms shortly after. He tried to sound just a little stern.
“Just...don’t push too much, okay? He can be pretty...hot and cold.”
--
January, 2015
Jong Up’s house was small and busy. The front door was like the rotating entrance of a hotel, between his mom being in and out, his two brothers coming in at random times, his mom’s friends and neighbors, and his dad whenever he came home. Young Jae knew this. The few times they had called each other (Just to talk. Or sometimes they let the line go dead and existed on call as if they were in the same room together. It was assuring to hear someone’s voice after they had spent the last several years together and suddenly we're almost an hour and what felt like worlds apart). It was hard to go for more than ten minutes before someone was talking to Jong Up or talking in the background. Young Jae’s house was quieter. His parents left at one time, and came back at one time. The most exciting event was Young Won occasionally passing through. So Jong Up, the last two times, had come over to Young Jae’s house.
Today, Young Jae invited him to his bedroom so he wouldn’t be left alone in awkward silence with Young Won and two of his friends while Young Jae changed shirts. He had gracefully dropped sauce from their take-away in a nice, red line down the middle of his previous one and had no plans on going out like that. Promoting idol or not.
Young Jae was embarrassed of his room, even if it was neat like the rest of the house. It was a little plain and clinical in its tidiness. A bed, a simple desk and chair, a bookshelf and even a well-organised closet. (Jong Up curiously looked inside from the doorway as if he was expecting to find a hidden trove of messy piles and unsorted things but was certainly let down.) He didn’t seem to have many material possessions aside from what was obviously school or photography related, well-cared-for clothes, and the things he had kept at the dorm.
Young Jae opened his closet to find something non-descript enough to match and slip around the streets, grumbling about not having done laundry yet and Jong Up took this chance to dive onto his bed, messing up the folded and smoothed sheets. He gave Young Jae an innocently playful face when Young Jae glanced back with the most unimpressed look.
“You did this at the dorm too... Why do you always make the bed? You’re coming back to it.” Jong Up’s teasing and lighthearted nature came out at the strangest times.
Young Jae turned back to his closet with a shrug and pulled a shirt off a hanger. “What? It’s just better that way. That’s like asking....why clean the dishes if you’re just going to use them again.”
Jong Up laughed, a strange and high-pitched snorting sound that made Young Jae’s lips quirk up. Even if he couldn’t see Jong Up intentionally rolling around on his bed just to be annoying, he heard it along with his rebuttal; “That’s not the same thing at all.”
Young Jae looked over his shoulder and made a waving gesture with his hand from around his side. “Cover your eyes or something, I’m changing.”
Jong Up sat up and stared at him curiously. “Hyung...we’ve showered together before,” he said, as if that would make the fact he was laying on his bed in his room while Young Jae pulled his clothes off any less like something Young Jae’s parents would be disappointed in him for. It felt different outside of the dorm and Young Jae felt acutely protective of his physical appearance.
“Don’t remind me, you didn’t like sharing the water very much. And it was way too cold.”
Jong Up laughed, taking Young Jae’s pillow off the bed and holding it up against his face. “I’m not looking,” he announced, muffled.
Young Jae tore the shirt off and threw it in the corner of his closet in a white, plastic basket and hastily yanked the other one on, shutting the door and pressing out the non-existent folds in the fabric.
By the time he had turned around Jong Up was watching him with the pillow held halfway between his face and his lap. Young Jae yelled loudly, embarrassed. He covered his chest on impulse, even if he was dressed again.
“Yah! You liar! You said you wouldn’t--!” He made a threatening gesture.
Jong Up jumped off the bed, leaving the blankets and sheets in a twisted mess. He didn’t defend himself, or even make a bad joke, just smiled too cheekily- Jong Up’s almost trademark smile that let Young Jae know Jong Up was acutely aware that he did something bad and did not regret it. He stood just outside the door in the hall and waited for Young Jae to turn off the light.
“My mom would be so mad at you.”
Jong Up laughed.
They went to an arcade nearby and played racing games. Young Jae completely defeated Jong Up in the dancing game leaving Jong Up more than a little stunned at the colossal loss. A couple thousand Won lighter, they left, carefully stopping at a convenience store to get drinks and cheap snacks. When they came out, they both started walking to the train station without thinking about it.
Young Jae finished his chips and drink quickly and threw the trash in a can they passed. He grabbed both of Jong Up’s shoulders from behind, shaking him as he laughed again. “I still can’t get over your face! You didn’t think I could beat you, did you?” Young Jae was a half-step from bouncing.
Jong Up laughed, and let himself be shaken around exaggeratedly. “I wasn’t expecting it.” Young Jae wrapped his arms around Jong Up’s entire upper half. He was still laughing loud and put his chin on Jong Up’s shoulder. It made it hard for both of them to really walk.
“I was pretty fast, right? I’ll give you dance lessons if you want, hahahah!” he teased.
He must’ve grabbed too tight, or just at the wrong place and time because instantly Jong Up tensed and wrenched himself out of Young Jae’s grasp. Jong Up stepped away from him.
They both stopped walking and stared at each other. Jong Up looked embarrassed and cast his eyes from side to side. Young Jae was the first to speak, waiting patiently for Jong Up’s gaze to actually settle back on him. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to just grab you,” he apologised sincerely. Young Jae knew he could get a little wild when he was laughing.
He didn’t quite know since when he was able to tell when Jong Up’s sudden coldness came from the skinship as opposed to the conversation. It must’ve been something he had learned over time.
“No, it just surprised me...heh.”
With a few hesitating steps, they both continued to walk to the train station. After the mood had passed in no more than a fleeting minute it was just as fun and comical as it had been before, just with a more reasonable distance between them. They reached the station entrance and turned to each other simultaneously.
“Alright, let me know you made it home okay. And don’t...fall asleep this time. Even if the midnight video was hilarious.” Jong Up scratched at the back of his head, having the decency to look a little sheepish at the previous mistake.
“I won’t. Ah...well, bye.” Jong Up waved a little and went off into the station and Young Jae saw Jong Up’s hands come up to wrap around his own shoulders. He wasn’t really sure why he had felt like he had been supposed to hug him goodbye. Especially after what happened earlier. Jong Up wasn’t Dae Hyun. He didn’t need his friends to hug him all the time.
Young Jae hurried home and had almost forgotten that Jong Up had messed up his sheets until he came back to his bedroom and flicked on the desk lamp. He half-heartedly attempted to straighten them back out but gave up shortly after starting, changing into sleeping clothes before falling into the bed. He rolled over on his stomach, sliding his phone underneath the pillow.
He broke a cardinal rule of skin care and comfortably pressed his face into his pillow while he waited half-awake for Jong Up to tell him he was home safe.
--
“Not only that,” Young Jae continued, “he won’t tell people back off until he’s like...about to explode.”
--
February, 2015
It was both of their collective fault, really. Young Jae and Jong Up had made their plans right at business rush hour. They were going to meet up early before catching the rest of the group for dinner- see a movie at a theater this time. The theater had been close enough to the group meeting spot to justify the trip.
They had planned to take the bus, but had lost track of time and missed the designated running. Without another one for half an hour, Young Jae authoritatively guided them to the subway, figuring it’d be crowded but it would get them almost to where they needed to go.
“I don’t want to hear Him Chan complaining if they had to wait on one of us. Especially you...again. I’ve learned my lesson, hahah!”
Jong Up had agreed quietly and they entered the station, through the throngs of people who were all hurrying to make their connections. Almost losing each other to the swell, they made it to their train with only a few seconds to spare and boarded. It was tight, and the heat of bodies was sweltering even in the February weather.
They were only four stops away so they stayed close to the doors, pressed tight near a corner with their heads down.
The first stop let a few people off, but double the people in. Young Jae and Jong Up stayed standing and stepped closer to each other. At the second stop, there was another awkward shuffle of people. An older man in a nice suit passed through the doors importantly and barreled into Jong Up hard enough to make him stumble. The dancer caught his balance and looked up at the taller businessman to catch a hateful glare.
“Watch out, kid,” he sneered. Young Jae watched- helpless to the situation. It wouldn't do anything to get into a public argument. It seemed Jong Up understood that too and didn't say anything back, looking down in submission to the man's terrible attitude. The doors shut with a mechanical whir behind them.
They existed in patient silence for a tense minute until the businessman from before obnoxiously attempted to take a phone call. He bumped into Jong Up carelessly again but made no comment.
Jong Up’s was steeling up next to Young Jae, still looking down. The dancer rolled his shoulders back and forward a few times as if he was carrying a heavy bookbag.
By the third stop he had taken to closing his eyes and his jaw was set tight. The man prattled loudly on his phone, complaining about the connection, elbows knocking against Jong Up at least two more times as he searched the limited space for bars. Young Jae’s own irritation melted into concerned for Jong Up at this point.
“Mjup,” he started gently. “Are you okay?”
He expected the normal Jong Up answer which was consistantly positive, playful and calm, even if it wasn’t truthful. But he was surprised by how Jong Up, without hesitation shook his head.
He felt a rush of panic because Jong Up was never not okay.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, trying to not let the nervousness show in his voice.
“I’m really…”
“Annoyed?”
“Yeah, it's...everything is…just too much...” The man turned and bumped into Jong Up again and Young Jae saw his band mate’s eyes slowly open and his expression sharpen.
Young Jae nervously looked around, wishing their stop was closer because Jong Up looked mad and tense, tight as a piano wire. Not that he wasn’t already abnormally tense on the days they met up with the others. Young Jae boldly reached over and took Jong Up’s hand. The dancer was shocked by the move but jerked back hard, trying to make him let go. He knocked into the business man who snapped something back at the two, but neither of them heard it.
“Stop- stop, don’t...hyung, let me go.”
Young Jae used to be scared of thunderstorms when he was little. That fear came out as anger more often than not. He remembered what his mom would do when he was upset and agitated. She would wrap him up and hold him tight, even when he’d get pushy. She’d talk with him, even quietly sing through the storm. Young Jae had long since outgrew that childhood fear, but attributed it to his mother’s patience to teach him to how to ignore your surroundings and focus on something else. He scrambled for something to say, not letting go of Jong Up’s hand, even when the dancer fought against it.
“Jong Up.” He said, just loud enough to hopefully get the other’s attention. “I have a question. There’s a picture of you and some other guy in your living room. He’s not your brother...but it’s in front of your brother’s graduation certificate. Who is he? I don’t recognise him from school or training.”
Jong Up’s face shot up, looking darkly puzzled and annoyed. Young Jae pressed on, wincing when he squeezed his hand back so hard. “He looks your age. C’mon, think about it. Right when you walk in your living room, to the left of the couch...you know where I’m talking about?”
“Young Jae-hyung...stop, just...Lee Ho...he’s a guy I danced with in school.”
“Why is his picture still up in your living room?” Young Jae countered immediately.
“Because he was my closest friend. We danced together with three other guys...I got- I got signed and everyone I was friends with, they all got mad at me. They said...I was selling out and called me a liar. Lee Ho was the only one who still liked me...said he thought it was cool… Please, Young Jae-hyung, let go, just let go...”
Jong Up was talking fast, and it was about his friends, which was something that he kept very private. It was unlike him to answer so honestly. Even after he had asked the question, Young Jae thought Jong Up wouldn’t go into any detail. He didn’t enunciate well either but Young Jae encouraged it while struggling to keep up at the same time. “Lee Ho sounds cool, do you still talk to him?” He rubbed his thumb over Jong Up’s knuckles in a reassuring gesture.
“Just... don't-- sometimes. He’s busy lately. Last time we talked, he said he was sorry for never showing up to a concert…” He was still squeezing Young Jae’s hand hard, but slowly stopped trying to pull away.
“You should promise to invite him when we come back.”
That did the trick. Jong Up’s hand relaxed, momentarily stunned by Young Jae’s blind determination.
“What? Do you...really think we’re just gonna come back?”
“Yeah. I really do.”
The train slowed to a stop and they were the first two off. Before they left the station, but passed through the crowds, Jong Up gently pulled at Young Jae’s shirt sleeve, getting him to stop walking and turn around in a desolate stairwell.
“Sorry,” he apologised ambiguously, still holding to the fabric. “For making a big deal out of… Ah, thanks, though. For...heh, you know...”
Young Jae almost reached out to pat him solidly on his shoulder in a friendly gesture but determined now might not be the best time for that kind of reassurance. “I just guessed… But...don’t worry about it. I’m just...glad I could help, I think.”
Jong Up was staring at his own hand on Young Jae’s grey shirt before he finally let go.
--
Dae Hyun waved his hand. The action was so dismissive, it made Young Jae’s jaw twitch. He wasn’t angry, Dae Hyun just wasn’t always the most conscientious of the subtleties of social communication. Young Jae just liked to try to avoid problems before they showed up.
“I know, I know.” He pulled out his phone and acted surprised, though Young Jae couldn’t of imagined Dae Hyun really lost track of time that severely in such a short conversation. “Woah, it’s already eleven, we should get back.”
They left the booth, having lingered after the trainer had gone home and headed to the dorms in a friendly silence, only breaking it to talk about plans for tomorrow, and how much they both wanted to go out for good food sometime soon.
When they came in, pink in the cheeks from the cold wind outside, the hyungs were already asleep and Jong Up and Jun Hong sat on the couch with a favourable distance or so between them with the television proudly playing cartoons while they both played on their phones. Dae Hyun threw himself down between the two and kicked his feet out. Young Jae went to the kitchen instead and got some water, sipping on it idly and watching Dae Hyun mess with Jong Up’s hair, making it stick up funny and looking at his phone from next to him.
--
April, 2015
“Jong Up...Jong Uppie…”
Young Jae shook the dancer’s shoulder, watching as he slowly blinked awake, wide-eyed and confused.
“Did I...fall asleep?” he mumbled, sitting up and looking at the squished blue pillows he had slouched on top of. Young Jae stood up straight, crossing his arms over his broad chest.
“Like five minutes into the movie,” Young Jae pointed out, sounding exasperated. Jong Up nodded and looked at the darkened window, still dazed from sleep. The credits were scrolling slowly up the screen in front of them. “Jong Up...if you were that tired, you could've said today wasn’t a good day… I mean, it’s not like we were really doing anything…”
Jong Up stood up, covering a yawn with the back of his hand. “I wasn’t tired earlier…” he defended groggily, looking around on the floor, presumably for his shoes. “It was just too nice, heh…” He distractedly found them by the door and sat down on the floor to pull them on. Young Jae hesitated, opening his mouth a few times before finally speaking.
“It’s too late...just...why don’t you just stay here tonight?”
Jong Up stopped tying his shoes slowly. The uneven bunny ears of the laces slipped through sleep-numbed fingers. “Are you sure?”
Young Jae tried to be flippant. “Yeah, you can stay in my room. I’ll just stay in Young Won’s.” Jong Up didn’t seem convinced just yet and looked up at Young Jae, tired and a little unsure.
“But your parents...I don’t want you to get in trouble or anything.”
Young Jae shrugged and passed by Jong Up to lock the front door intentionally. “Uh, don’t jump on the bed or walk around . I don’t think they’ll even notice.”
Jong Up took a few moments to weigh the options before he pulled his shoes off and placed them back neatly where he had previously left them. “Okay.” He stood up, wavering just enough to let Young Jae know he made the right decision in insisting he stay here for the night. They walked silently to Young Jae’s room. Once inside, Young Jae shut the door with an impossibly quiet click and started sifting through his closet for something Jong Up could wear to sleep.
As if sensing Jong Up was about to comment that he didn’t need to borrow any of Young Jae’s clothes, the vocalist answered the question while it was still in limbo. “You can’t sleep in my bed with jeans. And though my mom wouldn’t really come in here...I’d rather you not scar her for life so you have to wear something.”
Jong Up gave a breathy laugh and skillfully caught both the sweatpants and well-worn T-shirt Young Jae threw over his shoulder. “They’re clean,” he assured, though Jong Up hadn’t, and wouldn’t have, asked.
Without any ceremony, Jong Up ed and ped his jeans and pulled the fitted material off in three short tugs. He stepped into the sweats and changed shirts while Young Jae found things to look at in his closet, feeling compelled by a sense of appropriateness to make sure he looked away until he knew the other was done.
Jong Up was narrow in certain places while broad in others, and Young Jae’s old clothes (which were an odd fit on even him now) hung off of the dancer a little strangely. The pants especially seemed as if they were only hanging on by the long drawstrings that Jong Up was currently tying in the front. It made Young Jae feel flushed when he turned around and he didn’t know why.
All six members of B.A.P shared clothes often, provided they could fit. Only a handful of things were for each member explicitly so it wasn’t that he had never seen someone else in clothes he also wore. He just wasn’t used to everything else going on. Young Jae wasn’t the kid to have a lot of sleepovers. He figured it was just belated awkwardness that was overdue because of what he had missed out on in his childhood with unexpected living conditions and while being a trainee and idol.
Jong Up sat down on Young Jae’s bed and crawled under the sheets easily and Young Jae spent a second to be jealous of Jong Up’s roll-with-the-punches sort of personality.
The vocalist pulled out a pair of gym shorts for himself shut the closet door and headed towards the hallway but Jong Up stopped him. “Don’t you need a shirt too?”
Young Jae snorted. “You can’t be half-dressed in my house. I can.”
“Oh. Well, don’t I get a bedtime story? C’mon…I missed the movie...so tell me a story, heheh.”
Young Jae turned around, rolling his eyes with a dramatic flourish. He shouldn’t entertain Jong Up’s childish antics but it was hard not to smile when he was like this, so Young Jae sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Okay...” he started slowly. “So...once upon a time, there was...a little...moon prince and he was a huge brat.” Jong Up opened his mouth to defend himself and Young Jae patted the top of his head heavily, shushing him. “You asked for a story. Anyway, this brat didn’t tell his friend that he was too tired to come over. So he did anyway and fell asleep right in the middle of their playdate.”
While he thought of what to say next, he distractedly ran his hands through Jong Up’s hair, pushing his bangs away from his face only to have them fall back in place. “So...the littlest moon brat stole his friend’s bed. The end.”
Young Jae looked down to Jong Up. He was met with a distracted gaze and a warm smile. “Well, that’s not really the end…” Young Jae found himself saying, still moving his hand slowly through Jong Up’s hair. It felt different, like his own, after months without all the products, dyes, and bleachings. It was longer too. “He also had to buy his friend a really nice breakfast the next morning to make up for it. Because he owed him after making him think he was boring.” He flicked a few pieces of hair over Jong Up’s ear before his hand stopped.
Jong Up smiled a little wider, eyes closed contentedly, turning his head just enough to push his face against Young Jae’s palm. “Ah. I don’t have any boring friends.”
Carefully, Young Jae pulled away and cleared his throat, standing up and patting both of his hands on the sides of his legs, as if to shake the memory of basically petting Jong Up off his skin. “Who said it was about you?” He questioned, feigning annoyance.
It didn’t work. Jong Up just kept smiling.
“I’m going to get you up at eight after my parents leave, so…” Young Jae let the sentence end there and flicked the light off, shutting the door carefully and crossing the hallway to Young Won’s old room- a converted guest room of sorts.
He changed and settled into bed, setting his alarms and covering himself up with sheets that felt cold.
--
The dancer laughed and tried to pat his hair back down but Dae Hyun did it again, wrapping his arm around Jong Up’s shoulders and pulling him close, whispering something in his ear. Young Jae finished his water calmly before announcing.
“I’m going to get ready for bed, so if you’re coming in late, don’t be too loud, Jong Uppie.”
Jong Up turned to glance at Young Jae and stood up, breaking free from Dae Hyun. “Ah, I was actually planning to go now…”
Young Jae went to take a shower while Jong Up retreated to the temporary shared bedroom. He stepped into the cooler shower, being polite and conservative with any hot water left for Dae Hyun or Jun Hong, if they were going to take one tonight. He efficiently stepped under the spray with his head down, and cleaned up hastily.
--
May, 2015
They had both determined they had watched too many movies, and too much television. With the weather warming up, Jong Up suggested a nature trail near his house that had a very good cafe at the end of it and Young Jae agreed, even if it wasn’t his particular idea of fun.
It looked cloudy when Young Jae left his house, so he responsibly checked the weather forecast and alerted Jong Up to a twenty-five per cent chance of rain. Jong Up didn’t seem bothered by the chances and suggested they continue on anyway. And while Young Jae was usually fairly sensible, he shut and locked his door and began the commute.
Jong Up was waiting for him a few hundred feet into the trail, glancing up with a smile before tapping on his phone with both thumbs. Young Jae wanted to ask who he was texting, but it felt like an invasive question. Jong Up slid the phone into the pocket of his track pants, tugging on the narrow zipper and closing it. Young Jae hadn’t really thought about his phone falling out of his pocket, and he patted the front of his thighs to check that it, his keys, and wallet were still there as he approached him.
“You’re really dressed… You’re not...actually going to make me run, right?”
Jong Up laughed. On this path and dressed like this he reminded Young Jae of one of their last photoshoots. He wondered how many fans actually bought the finished product.
“Ah, no. I mean, unless you want. I just don’t have a lot that’s not...you know, really tight.”
It was Young Jae’s turn to laugh and he did. He started the brisk stride for their walk. “Hahah! I bet you’re enjoying that. How is anyone going to recognise you without tight pants and your arms?” Young Jae outlined fake muscles on his own arms with his hand and threw his head back, laughing. When he reoriented himself, Jong Up was giving him that pinched expression.
“The pinnacle of my identity…” he mused.
Young Jae just laughed again. “Don’t take it personally,” he warned, though he knew Jong Up hadn’t. “Enjoy this peace while it lasts. When we’re back on stage, you’ll miss the days of...” He paused to glance over Jong Up’s attire obviously. “...name-brand tracksuits and shirts you don’t have to rip.”
“I think it’s all turned me into an exhibitionist.”
Young Jae choked on air and coughed to cover it up. “Don’t--! You don’t say stuff like that! You nerd, that’s...not what you mean.” He rubbed at his mouth with the back of his hand and looked around, as if he was expecting to find fans with a camera crew and boom mic.
“It isn’t? Someone who likes performing and stuff?” Jong Up’s face was deceivingly blank and Young Jae couldn’t tell if he was telling a joke or being serious.
“I-- well...yeah, that’s the right definition. I just...most people...I’ve only really heard people use that word when they’re talking about...you know...like, and stuff.” Young Jae kept a close eye on Jong Up’s expression but it didn’t waver.
“Oh."
“Yeah, that’s why I was confused for a moment.”
There was a pause while Jong Up thought. His expression finally shifted, almost curious, if Young Jae had to put a name to it. “Like they get off on it? Ah, I think I used it right.”
Why exactly was this conversation happening? Jong Up kept most of his conversations away from . It could be almost prudish and off-putting in their group. Now that it was finally happening Young Jae just wanted to burst into another bout of laughter and tease the younger relentlessly like any good hyung, but he couldn’t. Instead, Young Jae really wanted to run away from Jong Up and this entire conversation. He felt strangely ashamed, as if he had been the one to steer it this direction.
What he actually did, at the end of it all, was shove the idea away with disbelief. “What? No. Jong Uppie, you’re not funny at all. Actually, I think you’re the most unfunny, you brat.” He laughed but it was planned and louder than usual. It startled away a pair of birds in a high tree up the trail.
Jong Up maintained his unreadable expression before it slowly melted into a pleased and gentle smile. “Why am I always a brat? When did that…?”
“When you started acting like one.”
Jong Up laughed.
They reached the halfway point of the trail (Jong Up supplied this information helpfully along with little green markers on half-posts) when the first flash of lightning shot across the sky. It had transformed from bright and blue to deep and placid and the flash of light was low in the horizon. The lightning caught Young Jae’s attention but Jong Up didn’t notice at first.
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” Young Jae lamented, staring up at the sky. “It’s because you keep looking at your phone. Who are-- who are you texting anyway?”
Jong Up laughed and might of been about to give Young Jae an answer when thunder cut him off. It was low and rumbling in the distance but it startled the two out of their thoughts. From behind on their left, a man raced by with a black dog and they watched him run around the bend.
“Should we start doing that?” Young Jae asked, back to looking up at the sky. It was rapidly darkening. “It’ll probably start in a few minutes...we might make it.”
Nature took a moment to listen in on their conversation and conspired against Young Jae quickly. A large raindrop fell on the bridge of his nose and the vocalist furiously scrubbed away at it with the sleeve of his jacket. It didn’t take long for a few more drops to speckle on the two boys, thick and far apart.
Jong Up was too busy laughing to help Young Jae come up with any solution so the singer grabbed him by his wrist and tugged him along the way they had already been walking.
“Hurry up, I don’t want to get wet,” Young Jae complained. Jong Up trotted with heavy footsteps behind him.
It didn’t matter how fast they had gone, it was only two or perhaps three minutes before the bottom opened out above their heads. Within another few minutes they were well soaked and took refuge under a wooden bridge they had passed over before. Young Jae rubbed his palms over his eyes and tried to pull his hair away from his face. Jong Up shook his head and entire upper body violently and splashed his companion with water just as he had gotten his face mostly dry with the collar of his shirt.
“I actually completely hate you right now.”
Jong Up just grinned, all too brightly and pulled his phone back out of his pocket. Young Jae almost smacked it out of his hands. The bridge didn’t hold all the water at bay, just some, and they stood with a thick rivulet dripping from the structure between them. Young Jae caught Jong Up’s arm in an authoritative way.
“What- what are you doing? Put that away! You’re going to get struck by lightning!”
Jong Up regarded him and the hand on his wrist with childish curiosity. “Really? I thought that was a myth? It’s not like radio waves can conduct electricity.”
Young Jae hesitated. “More for the metal, really…”
“Hmm.”
“Besides, who have you spent all afternoon texting anyway?” He tried not to let the bitterness show in his voice, but he heard the petulance in his own words. He didn’t know why Jong Up texting had been bothering him all afternoon. It wasn’t like a date or something. He was allowed to talk to other people while he was out with his friend. He let go of Jong Up’s arm.
Jong Up just smiled even wider, almost shyly. He put his phone back in his pocket and Young Jae felt a strange jolt of nervousness about what he was going to say. Like he really might not want to hear the answer.
“Lee Ho.”
“Oh.” Young Jae squinted his eyes at his dongsaeng in scrutiny. “You’re really talking to him again?”
Jong Up nodded. “After the other day, I thought...I figured if we both had the time...and if he still lived nearby we could maybe see each other again.” The dancer stuck his head out from around the bridge and studied the sky and its still torrential downpour. His hair was even more wet when he straightened back up. “So we’re making plans to meet up, maybe this weekend.”
“Oh. That’s really cool, Jong Uppie.” Every emotion was genuine. From the distant disappointment to pride and enthusiasm. He was going to ask more details, but Jong Up opened his mouth a few times as if he was going to say something but was struggling for the words. The vocalist waited patiently for him to continue. “He wants me to meet his girlfriend.”
Young Jae’s face went from pleased to nervous. “Are you sure? That might not be a good idea… If she knows who you are…”
Jong Up was toying with the strings of his jacket. “I already know her. She’s our friend’s younger sister. He just wanted to introduce her as his girlfriend to me, heheh."
Young Jae was having a hard time following the conversation and was feeling rapidly exhausted. “Really? And why...does he want to do that?”
“We had a bet. That even with me being an idol he’d get a girlfriend first. Heheh. I owe him ₩50,000.”
Young Jae actually laughed at this. “Oh yeah, I bet you were thinking you’d get all the girls being an idol.” Jong Up snorted and adjusted how he was standing on the slippery mud under the bridge. Lightning struck in the distance and thunder rolled behind their words.
“I might have thought that at first. I think I thought…” He stopped and made a vague shrugging gesture. “I like you guys more anyway. Having friends are better.”
Why did Young Jae’s heart feel so heavy? It hung like a hundred bricks around his neck and he might’ve felt like he was choking. The vocalist pulled his collar away from his throat and Jong Up was looking at him carefully, but he still was smiling. His hooded eyes were sharp and Young Jae felt strangely exposed and he didn’t know why. His voice shook when he spoke.
“Right. I think that too.”
“So will you come with me?”
“Huh?”
Jong Up repeated it with the same sunniness and more clarity. “Will you come with me? To the movies with Lee Ho and Hye Young-ssi on Saturday? I want you to come with me...if you’re free?”
Young Jae didn’t know what possessed him to agree as quickly as he did. He might have remembered as he was speaking that he was supposed to have dinner with his parents and Young Won on Saturday but that thought seemed incredibly unimportant by the time it came up.
“Sure. But you’re buying my ticket for making me come all the way here twice in one week.”
--
When Young Jae came out of the shower, hair still a little damp and wetting around the collar of his shirt, Jong Up’s bed was mysteriously empty, but his own bed was inhabited by a content coverlump.
Young Jae laughed in a breathy exhale and spared a quick look around the hallway before stepping in and shutting the door. He crossed carefully and made it to his bed, tucking underneath the white blanket and facing the other, leaving plenty of space between them.
“My hair’s wet,” Young Jae warned the minute he shifted into a comfortable position.
Jong Up made a contented humming sound from the other side of the bed, pulling the thick blankets away from his face, squinting mischievously. In a fluid motion, he covered the distance until he could reach up to brush a few wet pieces of hair away from Young Jae’s face, carefully and gingerly. He spent a minute to look up at him, completely unguarded. Young Jae would never get tired of the depth in Jong Up’s expression when he looked at him like this. When his emotions were so translucent he could practically see what Jong Up was thinking.
--
Bro Mjup: no
Bro Mjup: its okay
Bro Mjup: shishishi don’t leave your hous e
Bro Mjup: you have to stay home
Bro Mjup: all day
Bro Mjup: doctors orders
Young Jae sent an animated emoji in response and turned his phone screen off. He picked up a partially wet tissue and dabbed at his runny nose with an exaggerated sigh. The sheets were too hot and too cold all at the same time and he pushed them down to his waist, lamenting about having to cancel plans.
Not that they were really significant plans. But it would be a lie if he said that he wasn’t looking forward to seeing Jong Up.
The other week he had been almost frantic with misplaced worry about going to the movies with Jong Up and his two friends from before his idol life. Lee Ho had thrown his arms around Jong Up and Young Jae was surprised to see Jong Up hug him back fiercely. Hye Young had looked at both of the idols with stars in her eyes, but when Lee Ho proudly introduced her, she blushed furiously and every last look or glance at Lee Ho was rich with fondness and pure adoration. It made Young Jae smile and feel like his stomach had hollowed itself out.
Lee Ho and Jong Up had talked mostly. Lee Ho was very animated, spoke widely with his hands. It reminded Young Jae of Dae Hyun when he was excited. He thought of Dae Hyun- almost completely out of touch in Busan and felt a little sad. Hye Young might’ve noticed because she had shyly asked him about where he went to school while Lee Ho caught Jong Up up on people whose names Young Jae had never even heard.
Eventually their conversations merged through Lee Ho. He leaned over to Young Jae with a wide grin.
“We called Jong Up ‘Crong’ for five months. Wanna know why?”
Young Jae blinked awake at the deep rumbling of his phone tossed somewhere in the tangled mess of sheets. When he found it and after dropping it back into the mess of blankets he noticed the time. Apparently, he had dozed off for nearly two hours.
He also caught a pending voice call from Jong Up and answered it, voice thick with sleep.
“Mmhn, what do you want, nerd?”
“Ah...you should open the door.”
Young Jae groaned loudly in irritation he didn't even attempt to conceal. “You're joking.”
“Heheh, no, I won't stay long though.” He paused while Young Jae stood up and trudged to the front door. “Your neighbors are gonna look at me funny if I sit here for a hundred hours.”
The singer hung up without another word and waited a moment before finally opening the door. He stepped to let Jong Up inside while simultaneously telling him to leave.
“I’m sick, you jerk, go away. What are you doing over here anyway? Did you...what’s the bag for?”
Jong Up toed his shoes off and stepped into the house with a blue bag and Young Jae looked at the two different socks that he was wearing and the parts of his legs visible between them and the cuff of his shorts just long enough for Jong Up to have to get his attention.
“Have you?”
Young Jae locked the door and followed Jong Up to the small dinner table across from the kitchen. “Have I what?” the vocalist asked.
“Eaten.”
“No.”
“Let me use your stove.”
Young Jae rubbed his runny nose with the back of his hand. “What? I mean...sure, I guess. Go for it.” Jong Up grinned and carried the bag in with him into the kitchen. Young Jae combed his fingers through some tangles on the back of his head and leaned against the doorframe, wanting to be friendly and energetic, but lacking the strength and will.
“I don’t...I’m really not a good host right now,” Young Jae said in both warning and apology. Jong Up opened random cabinets but didn’t ask what he was looking for, so Young Jae let him continue his hunt for whatever he was trying to find.
“That’s okay. I won’t ask for much. Ah...why don’t you go take a shower or something? It's almost three...” He must have been looking for a pot because he found one and waved a little it in victory.
Young Jae raised a brow. “Did you come to my house when I’m sick to tell me I smell bad?” Jong Up laughed loudly and Young Jae smiled, even though he was tired and his head hurt and he actually wouldn’t of minded going back to sleep instead. “You’re lucky I speak your language,” the vocalist continued, and left it at that.
He wandered off to take Jong Up’s advice and step into the shower down the hall. He heard quiet noises and running water from the kitchen and he took just a second to hope that Jong Up wouldn’t burn his house down. Not while he was in the shower at least. Jong Up wasn’t exactly the best cook (or maybe his palate wasn’t very complimentary) and Young Jae didn’t think he had the stomach today to eat anything out of politeness. When he came out, he did feel marginally better. He threw his dirty clothes in the laundry bin and came out in clean loungeabout clothes.
Jong Up apparently didn’t need help finding anything else that he wanted in Young Jae’s kitchen and was washing the pot he had found before his shower in the sink. On the table two bowls were filled and neatly garnished. Young Jae blinked a little and leaned closer. It was the subtle aroma of pine nuts that gave it away.
“Jatjuk?”
“Yeah.” Jong Up came up behind him at the table. “It’s good...for when you’re sick so I thought…”
Young Jae pulled out the chair to his left and made a sweeping gesture with his hands. “You first.” Jong Up took the seat with a grin and Young Jae sat down in his own chair after him. The dancer leaned forward over the table to ask him a question.
“Do you feel better?”
“Depends on how good this is.”
Jong Up scratched along his jaw in thought, leaning back in his chair. “There’s only four ingredients. I can’t’ve messed it up that bad…”
Young Jae carefully examined the texture of the porridge. “One hundred points on presentation.”
“Only one hundred? Ah, I should have set the table with pinecones.”
Young Jae scrunched his nose at the idea. “Imagine you carrying a bag of pinecones on the train.”
“I might’ve got to sit by myself.”
The vocalist snorted in laughter and took a small spoonful. His expression faded from trepidatious to impressed. “It's good.” Young Jae was quiet for a moment. “Jong Uppie...this was really nice."
Jong Up was all bright smiles and distant gazes. “It's only nice after it tastes good.”
Young Jae resisted the urge to flick a spoonful of jatjuk at the dancer for that comment. He rolled his eyes affectionately. “Yes. Because bringing gross food that manners says I have to eat when I'm sick would be, in fact, very un-nice.”
Like usual, Jong Up bridged the trade-off in dialogue turns with a little laugh. “If it was gross, we’d just throw it out. And then I’d pick you up something instead, heheh.”
Young Jae’s nose was too stuffed to breathe through while he was eating, so he waited a long pause until he finished to talk. “There’s a restaurant not far from the arcade we’ve gone to to...they’ve got really good soup. I’d make you go there.”
Jong Up had no problems talking with food in his mouth. It was a little gross, but Young Jae was too fond of him to really mind anymore. “That’s almost a thousand hours away. I’m lucky this turned out good.” He swallowed. “But who goes out...to eat soup? That’s really, hahaha, that’s funny."
Young Jae made a loud sound of disapproval. “Why are you like this? I tell you that plans are off, and here you are. Telling me I smell and have boring taste in food. I’m sick, you’re supposed to be nice. I can’t wait until you get sick, I’m going to annoy you all day.”
Young Jae wasn’t sure when Jong Up managed to almost completely finish his bowl but the vocalist had a sneaking suspicion it was because his hadn’t been as full as Young Jae’s and he just hadn't noticed. He stood up with a laugh and went to the kitchen with his things and the sink, presumably starting to wash the dishes up.
He ate quietly and listened to the soft sounds from the kitchen. The texture of the jatjuk was nearly perfect and it settled well in his turbulent stomach. Regardless, Young Jae swirled his spoon around the bottom inch in his bowl and decided he was done eating. He brought the bowl into the kitchen and Jong Up peered over the edge.
“Did you not…?” He didn’t look disappointed or sad, just curious. But Young Jae corrected him as fast as possible- not giving him a chance to finish his sentence.
“No, it was really good. I just...my stomach...it's a little disagreeable.” Jong Up’s gave him a little nod of understanding and took the bowl from Young Jae, quickly cleaning it out. With a few short words, the dancer encouraged Young Jae back to his bed. Not that Young Jae needed someone to tell him twice.
When Jong Up stepped into his room about five minutes later he had a few obvious water marks on his shirt. He carried in a glass of what looked like orange juice, and even though his parents insisted on no food or open drinks in his bedroom, he let Jong Up put it on his bedside table.
“How much stuff did you bring?” he asked, incredulousness showing in his voice as he half-way sat up to inspect the juice. Jong Up found the small paper wastebasket under his desk and picked it up to set next to Young Jae’s bed. The vocalist would have to remember it was there, or he’d probably trip over it when he got up next. But he didn’t tell Jong Up to move it.
“I have some more in the fridge,” Jong Up said, not really answering his question. The dancer brushed the little mountain of tissues at the edge of Young Jae’s bed into the wastebasket. Young Jae felt a red-hot surge of embarrassment when Jong Up touched what he knew were damp, used tissues and attempted to swat his hand away. The deed was done and Jong Up just watched him with an interested expression.
“You can’t just-- don’t just touch… You’re going to get sick, go wash your hands, that’s so gross, I’m sorry…”
“I don’t get sick.” He paused. “Probably because I ate a lot of dirt when I was little…”
It was enough to shake Young Jae out of his embarrassed state and he gave Jong Up a strange expression. “You what? You really are gross.” Jong Up laughed and it took a few seconds before Young Jae realised the sudden subject change was a response to his apology.
“But I learned how to wash my hands so...the juice is good. Dirt-free. It’s hanrabong and tangerine again...”
Young Jae took a sip, the sweet taste and consideration of the gesture enough to make him smile. “Did your mom make it again?"
“I might have helped.”
Young Jae wasn't sure, but he had a feeling that the ambiguous answer meant that Jong Up made it himself. It tasted different- more tangerine than before.
It was all so sweet and unexpected. Young Jae couldn't help but feel a little spoiled by the treatment. He had never really had a friend go this far out of their way just because he had a cold.
Before there was a longer lapse in conversation, Jong Up was sitting on his bed. His weight pulled the covers tight to one side across him and he leaned forward, hovering curiously. His body pushed against Young Jae's. The loose collar of his shirt hung from his shoulders. Young Jae looked at the shadows that outlined the dip in his clavicle.
“You're red. Do you have a fever?”
Young Jae exhaled unevenly. “I didn't earlier.”
Jong Up was quiet, keeping his weight on one arm while brushing the still damp hair out of Young Jae’s face to gently press the back of his hand to his forehead. His face didn't change, but Young Jae suddenly felt hot and clammy from the inside out. He tried to blink it away and focus on what was in front of him. He could almost see down Jong Up’s shirt and then felt indecent for looking.
“If it's not because of a fever…” Jong Up mused.
Young Jae wanted to remind Jong Up that he wasn't a good judge of temperature. The dancer radiated heat year round and probably couldn't tell the difference between the heat being transferred from his hand and any actual temperature reading from Young Jae. He forgot to say that out loud, but it didn't matter because Jong Up pulled his hand away from his face and swiftly replaced it with his lips.
Jong Up’s kiss made a soft sound and Young Jae’s surprised and frozen train of thought only supplied him with the word ‘cute’ before all he felt was embarrassment and fear.
“Can I be the reason?” Jong Up asked quietly. His lips brushed against his skin.
Young Jae couldn’t believe the question he was asked. It was so bold- just like that kiss, and so unlike anything Jong Up ever did, the vocalist almost thought for a moment he was still dreaming. However, Young Jae didn’t need to worry much about coming up with a response. After the few seconds of silence Jong Up was already pulling away with an impossibly red flush to his face while Young Jae was still glued to the spot. Young Jae felt his mouth hanging open, but he was pretty sure he wasn't breathing. Jong Up stood quickly and stepped from side to side, obviously torn between staying there and bolting out of the room after the only answer to his question was stunned silence.
Which was really silly, Young Jae thought, feeling aggravated in the aftermath of his surprise. He was the one who launched a sneak attack. He couldn’t have expected Young Jae just to have an answer or witty comeback ready after something like that. Even more so it was just plain unfair for him to look so cute and startled by his own actions.
Jong Up finally planted himself steadily on both feet next to Young Jae’s bed. “Ah...there. I fixed it,” he said softly. “Your cold will get better now." Young Jae remembered how to breathe, closed his mouth, and busied himself with staring at the sheets. He smiled but didn't look at Jong Up.
“Text me when you get home,” he said. It came out harder than he meant it to.
“You don’t have to say…” Young Jae cut him off.
“Bye, Jong Up.”
“Ah...okay. I...just… Uhm, don't forget there's more juice...so drink it all."
“Okay.” Young Jae paused. He tried to swallow but it was hard and his throat clicked loudly. “Thank you. Really. For everything.”
Jong Up left without saying anything else. The older vocalist waited patiently as the distant sounds of him gathering his things and shuffling out the door faded. After the scrape of the weatherproofing and click of the catch, Young Jae was left in silence.
He tried to convince himself that he was surprised- that he didn't see it coming. He tried to convince himself he was mad. Or that he was hurt or offended. That he felt lied to or betrayed. It wasn’t working and Young Jae fell asleep with the guilt of all the lies he was telling himself resting heavily on his chest. Jong Up didn’t text him.
Yjay: You’re awake, right?
Yjay: It’s noon you better be awake.
Bro Mjup: m awake
Bro Mjup: how are you
Yjay: Better than yesterday.
Yjay: Like a whole lot.
Bro Mjup: good
Bro Mjup: !!
Yjay: It worked.
Bro Mjup: what worked
Yjay: Your secret weapon.
Bro Mjup: did it
Bro Mjup: ??
Yjay: Yeah. It worked really good.
Yjay: But there’s a problem.
Bro Mjup: whats that
Yjay: It’s too powerful. So you can only use it on me.
Yjay: Officially.
Yjay: Do you understand?
Bro Mjup: are you saying
Bro Mjup: all my kisses are yours now?
Yjay: don’t make me repeat it!
Yjay: But you better do things properly.
Yjay: Since you started this.
Yjay: Do you understand what I’m saying?
Bro Mjup: should i reserve your
Bro Mjup: favourite restaurant
Bro Mjup: mail you a letter
Bro Mjup: how should i do it??
Yjay: That’s your problem.
Yjay: Figure it out nerd.
Young Jae had taken two fever reducers with the juice Jong Up had brought the night before. He might have felt worse than ever as his cold intensified on it’s way out. His mom chastised him for bringing drinks into his room, and he definitely knocked the wastebasket over in the middle of the night on his way to the bathroom (and almost tripped himself). Young Jae’s nose was like a clogged faucet, and everything felt hot, cold and sore as he curled up in bed with his phone.
He felt more worse today than he had in years, but he laid in bed, laughing as Jong Up created at least twenty unique and far-fetched ideas to ask him out. Any of which, he couldn’t imagine turning down.
--
Jong Up shifted closer, the top of his head coming up to Young Jae’s chin as he pressed his face against his chest. Young Jae loosely wrapped an arm low around his waist and Jong Up slowly mimicked the motion and they quietly and gently held each other.
“You do realise you have your own bed, right?” Young Jae asked, though he didn’t let go.
“Yours is better. ‘S got you in it."
Young Jae snorted. “Is that what it is?”
“Ah, part of it. You also have nicer pillows.”
He laughed, shoving Jong Up a little before wrapping his arms around him even tighter. He pressed his nose against Jong Up’s hair, inhaling deeply, happy and content. He would let Dae Hyun have his little victories. Young Jae already had his own.
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