Parents tell you to be careful about the stranger on the playground. He will take you away. He will hurt you.

                When Sicheng told his parents he liked the boy he met in the playground, you can bet they were not thrilled.

                “Do you know his name?”

                “No mama.”

                “Do you know where he lives?”

                “No mama.”

                “Is he from your school?”

                “No mama.”

                “Then how do you know you like him?”

                Good question, and Sicheng doesn’t have the answer for that. This boy, this complete stranger that he had met in the park made him feel good. He made him feel happy and that’s why he said he liked him. Parents don’t seem to understand that however. To them, there must be a reason for everything, and everything has an explanation.

                What happened to enjoying the mysteries of life? When did adulthood and knowing too much the simple pleasures away?

                That little boy’s name was Taeyong, Lee Taeyong. He was new to the neighbourhood, and he didn’t know anyone. Not that Sicheng had any either. He has never been very good at making new friends, because he was small and quiet. His parents moved from China to Korea when he was a baby, and they spoke Chinese at home, so his Korean wasn’t the best. It made him self-conscious about his abilities, especially when the kids in the playground spoke in rapid fire Korean.

                Sicheng was very fond of forget-me-not flowers. They grew in abundance in the park he played in, and when little Sicheng was bored and had nothing to do, he would pick a small bunch of forget-me-nots for his mother.

                “Why do you always play with flowers?” asked Taeyong. Sicheng looked up from his flower bunch and stared at Taeyong with wide eyes. The boy before him was probably only a year or two older, and he wore shorts with a black t-shirt, his fringe almost touching his eyelids.

                “I like flowers.” He said, in the simplest Korean he knew. Taeyong could tell from his accent that Sicheng was not Korean, but he kept talking anyways.

                “Those are called forget-me-nots.” He pointed to the bunch in Sicheng’s hand.

                “Forget-me-nots.” Sicheng repeated after him.

                Taeyong sat down next to him and picked up the flowers in his hand. “What’s your name?”

                “Dong Sicheng.”

                “How old are you?”

                “5 years old.”

                “Cool.” Sicheng looked around and saw that none of the other kids came forward to talk to them. It seemed like they didn’t know Taeyong very well either. The two of them sat alone, just flowers and looking at each other.

                Sicheng never knew his name, not until the next day after he told his mother. Taeyong kind of for it, saying “How can you play with a stranger when you don’t know his name?”

                There was no answer to that for a 5-year old Dong Sicheng. He was just happy someone came to talk to him. There was something about this young boy that even a naïve 5-year old can detect, and no matter what his mother said, he would always look for him.

*************************

                Puberty affect people differently. For Sicheng, it meant shooting up tall, having his voice deepen and turning into this awkward vegetable with excess limbs and acne. He was already an awkward child to begin with, and puberty just seemed to make it worse.

                For Taeyong however, he bloomed overnight. He grew tall, voice now deep enough to reach the centre of the earth, his body filled out, features became more prominent and he lost his baby fat. He stopped playing in the playground by the time he turned ten, and Sicheng never saw him again after that. Not until Sicheng turned 13.

                Taeyong and Sicheng were in different schools, and when Sicheng was 13 Taeyong transferred to the same school he was in. Sicheng got a shock of his life when he saw Taeyong again after all these years. He couldn’t believe how much older he had gotten, how skinny he became and how handsome he had become. Sicheng felt like he was 5 years old again, stammering and quivering when he saw Lee Taeyong at the other end of the school hall, his school uniform half-tucked and hair swept to the side.

                Sicheng decided to hide. Instead of going up to his childhood friend and saying hello, he avoided him like the plague. He dipped his head and tried to pretend he didn’t know Taeyong when they passed each other in the hallway and he did everything he could to avoid eye contact.

                One day, Sicheng was heading to the bus station to catch the bus home and upon arrival there was already one man standing there. To Sicheng’s horror, it was Lee Taeyong. He was leaning against the bus station sign, one hand fiddling with his phone, the other casually tucked into his pocket. Maybe if I don’t make a sound I can disappear quietly.

                “Sicheng?”

                Damn. Sicheng looked up at him, and the two held gazes for a while. Taeyong pocketed his phone and crossed his arms. “Why are you trying to avoid me?”

                “I…I’m not trying to avoid you.”

                “Are you sure?” he raised an eyebrow. “You haven’t said a word to me since I transferred over here.”

                “You seemed busy.”

                “I’m not busy now.” He sat down on the bench, and patted the seat next to him. “Come.”

                Sicheng slowly walked over, and sat down next to him. He didn’t breathe at all.

                “Do you still live in the same neighbourhood?” he asked.

                “Yeah. You?”

                Taeyong shook his head. “I moved. That’s why I transferred.”

                “Do you like it in your new place?”

                Taeyong shrugged. “It’s okay I guess. My sister likes it though.”

                “What about your parents?”

                “Mum likes it too.”

                Sicheng wondered why Taeyong didn’t say anything about his dad.

                The bus came and the two of them got on. It was like as if nothing had changed. They didn’t talk much, but Sicheng never felt awkward around him. They got off at the same stop and walked together, until they came to a house with ivory walls and a large gate.

                “This is my place.” Taeyong said.

                “Looks nice.” Sicheng said.

                “You know Sicheng, you don’t have to feel awkward around me. Aren’t we friends?”

                “I wasn’t…”

                “I could tell.” Taeyong cut him. “I’m just happy to see you.”

                “So am I.” and he meant it.

                “We are friends right?”

                “Yeah.”

                Taeyong waved goodbye, giving him a small smile as he entered the house. Sicheng waved back. He found himself smiling widely and this sudden urge to run home and tell his mother about finding his old friend again.

************************

                Sicheng later found out that Taeyong’s parents had divorced and he moved with his mother and sister. They hung out a lot more since the day they walked back home together, and Taeyong confessed to his domestic problems one day when they went to the park together, tossing stones into the lake.

                “I just feel like it’s my fault.” Taeyong said.

                “But it’s not.” Sicheng said. “It’s your parents. Not you.”

                “You make it sound like grown-ups are dumb.”

                “Aren’t they?” Sicheng shrugged. “They act like they know everything even when they don’t.”

                “I don’t like my mum’s new boyfriend.” Taeyong threw as hard as he could.

                “Why?”

                “I don’t know. Just don’t like him.”

                “Is he nice to your mother?”

                “Yeah, thank god. I don’t think I could forgive anyone who hurts my mother again. Or my sister.”

                “You’re a good son Taeyong.” Sicheng said, handing him a few more stones. “You’re always looking out for your family.”

                “I have to. Dad’s not here anymore.” Taeyong sighed. “I just wish someone could look out for me.”

                “I’ll do that. I’ll make sure you don’t run away.” Sicheng shoved him teasingly. Taeyong laughed and shoved him back. The two were then shoving each other playfully, laughing without a care in the world. They were just grateful to have each other.

                Sicheng wasn’t quite sure when he fell in love with Taeyong, but if he had to pick a time, it would be that sunset evening in the park, where they were both tossing stones in the lake, being the children they once were.

*********************

                Sicheng never told his parents how he felt for Taeyong. Coming clean about his uality would mean his parents would kick him out and probably disown him. He was raised in a strict, traditional household, where he was told that a man had to be strong, courageous and…whatever that seemed to make a man. To confess that he had fallen in love with another man would equal disappointing his parents and also not being a proper ‘man’ in their eyes.

                When you are 16, you are just beginning to figure out the world. You are stuck in this awkward place between childhood and adulthood, seeing half of each and realizing each were as screwed and ed up as the other. Taeyong started rebelling. By the time he was 18 he skipped classes, smoked, and he bragged about using fake IDs to enter clubs that if Sicheng’s parents knew he went to they would murder their own child.

                Sicheng watched the wisps of white smoke escape Taeyong’s lips, the cigarette between his fingers, ashes falling to the ground as they met up in the park. Taeyong was no longer wearing his school uniform, meaning he skipped school again.

                “Where did you go today?” he asked.

                “Out of the city.”

                “To where?”

                “Some tiny province.”

                “Alone?”

                “Nah. I went with Hansol.” Hansol was the college boy who taught Taeyong how to smoke and he had been hanging out with him recently. No one knows how Taeyong met Hansol but Hansol’s influence on Taeyong was strong. Sicheng didn’t like Hansol, and he had never even met him.

                “Why? I missed you in school.” Sicheng pouted. His pouts had always been his biggest weapon, and Taeyong could never resist it.

                “Is Miss Kim still giving you a hard time?”

                “I just don’t like history. I don’t understand it and I don’t want to. She said she was going to call my parents if I fail again.”

                “You should work hard. I know you don’t want to disappoint your parents.”

                “Yeah, because everything is about making them happy.” Sicheng rolled his eyes. “What about me?” he mumbled softly.

                “What would make you happy then?” Taeyong asked, as if he could hear Sicheng’s earlier question.

                “To see you more often.”

                Taeyong chuckled. “I’m always here.”

                “That’s not what I mean. You don’t come to school anymore. We used to have lunch and walk home together. Now you’re out with Hansol and his gang doing god knows what and I’m alone.”

                “Do you miss me?”

                “I do.”

                “Let’s be honest. I miss you too.” Taeyong dropped his cigarette. “Only you know what’s happening with my family and my past. I never told Hansol any of this. Didn’t think he would care.”

                “Is your mother seriously marrying again?”

                Taeyong scowled at this. “Yeah. .”

                “Tae! She’s your mother!”

                “Only by blood. She hasn’t done anything ‘motherly’ anymore since she started ing this dude.” Taeyong sighed deeply. He looked at Sicheng and held his hand, as if he was asking for support. Sicheng held it back tightly, scooting over closer to Taeyong. The sun was setting again, as Sicheng tipped his head slowly, allowing it to rest on Taeyong’s shoulder.

                “Sicheng?”

                “Yeah.”

                “We’ll always be best friends right?”

                Sicheng tried his best not to cry.

                “Yeah.”

*********************

                Watching Taeyong slowly drift apart was tough. He officially stopped going to school and was reportedly working with Hansol in a shady club as a bartender. The club was desperate, and since Taeyong was willing to work cheap, they hired an under aged teenager with not even a high school diploma to make cocktails for people who visited the place to either get high or ask for a quick .

                Sicheng had to go through high school alone. His classmates were douchebags. Miss Kim threatened to flunk him and make him retake the whole year if he didn’t pass history and everything just . In a few years he would graduate and his parents were already talking about college. Now that was the only thing Sicheng was excited about. College meant having to move out, and Sicheng couldn’t wait to be away from that dumb high school and his overbearing parents.

                The only hesitation he would have was regarding Taeyong. He was now 17, and he has been in love with him for this long without telling him.

                Sicheng went to visit Taeyong at his place. He never bought Taeyong back to his house because if he did his parents would kick him out. They would never appreciate a bad influence in the house and the scent of Taeyong’s second hand smoke would trigger every smoke alarm they have.

                “Hello Sicheng!” Taeyong’s sister greeted. Taeyong’s sister was already in college and back for the weekend. She looked just like him, except in a more feminine way.

                “Is Taeyong home?”

                “Sure, just go upstairs.”

                “How’s everything?”

                “Great! College kept me busy but it’s all good.”

                “Awesome! How’s your mother and Yunho?” Yunho was the man Taeyong’s mother married.

                “So far so good. They just went out for some work.” Taeyong’s sister waved his hand and Sicheng nodded before bouncing up the stairs and heading into Taeyong’s room. Taeyong was lying down on his bed, looking up at the sky and bobbing his foot away as music blasted in his room.

                “Sicheng! You ought to listen to this rock band! They are awesome!”

                “Green Day? Didn’t you say it was nothing but teenage angst?” Sicheng laughed.

                “I am a teenager, and I have angst so yeah.” Taeyong shrugged, making space for Sicheng. “I have to tell you something.”

                “Yeah?”

                “I did it.” He grinned.

                “Did what?”

                “It.”

                “It what?”

                “Think harder Sicheng.” He laughed. “It.”

                “Oh.” Sicheng’s face fell instantly when he realized what Taeyong was talking about. “Uhm…when?”

                “Last night, after my shift at the club.”

                “With who?”

                “His name is Johnny. He’s one of Hansol’s friends.”

                “Oh.” Hansol. Again.

                Sicheng really, really, really doesn’t like Hansol. His blood started boiling as he tried to hold his façade.

                “How was it?” Sicheng asked.

                “Well I was kind of drunk, and so was Johnny. We were just sitting around, Hansol and Ten were high as and then Johnny asked if I had ever kissed anyone before. I said no then we started kissing and it just…happened.” Taeyong made it sound as if it was no big deal.

                “Did you…uhm…”

                “Johnny did all the work, I didn’t do much.”

                “Did it feel good?”

                “It was uncomfortable at first, but Johnny was good so yeah.”

                “Do you like him?”

                “He’s a good friend.”

                “A friend? You would have with a friend?”

                “It was just a spur of the moment. And Johnny is hot, so he’s pretty difficult to resist.”

                Sicheng was about to sprout tears from his eyes at any moment. His heart felt like it was in a chokehold and his lungs tighten. “Cool.” He lied.

                Taeyong nodded and grinned, getting off the bed to go to the bathroom. When Sicheng heard the door click shut, the tears started flowing, and pretty soon he had to put a hand over his mouth to stop the sounds of sobbing that were forming. His best friend was no longer someone he recognized. It pained him that not only was he in love with Taeyong, he had to listen to Taeyong talk about losing his ity to someone who sounds so much cooler than he was. Taeyong always talked about how awesome and cool Hansol was. How their gang was so welcoming towards him, and how Hansol took care of him.

                What hurt him the most was that Sicheng will never be what Hansol was to Taeyong.

                Sicheng wanted to go home when Taeyong returned to the room, seeing Sicheng in tears. “Sicheng? What’s wrong?”

                Sicheng just sniffed, trying to stop his tears. Taeyong ran over to him, hands on his face, trying to wipe away his tears. “Was it me? What did I say? What happened?”

                Sicheng felt like that useless 5-year-old at the park again. “You…you…”

                “What? What is it?”

                “It hurts.” Sicheng mumbled out, face still soaked in tears. “It hurts that I love you so much but all you want is Hansol. It hurts that I have to go through high school alone because you are my best friend. It hurts that I don’t see you anymore. I feel like I’m losing you and I don’t know why. All I know is that it hurts so much.”

                “Sicheng…”

                “I love you Taeyong.” Sicheng sobbed. “And it hurts because I know you will never love me back.” He pushed Taeyong off him and made a beeline for the door, but Taeyong pulled his arm and reeled him back into his embrace, both arms now wrapped around the younger, one hand in his hair, it gently.

                “Don’t leave.” Taeyong whispered in his ear. Sicheng could smell a faint hint of cigarette scent, the warmth of his arms and prickling electrical sensation of his skin. He had no energy to fight, so he stayed in Taeyong’s arms.

                Both boys didn’t eat dinner, and they ignored the countless calls on both their phones and even from downstairs. Taeyong just held Sicheng in his arms, his hair and kissing the top of his head softly. Sicheng was tired, and he wanted to sleep, so he let his eyelids droop down.

                The last thing he remembered was Taeyong’s lips on his.

****************************

                Their love was wrong in every sort of way. Sicheng was a pampered boy from a strict household. Taeyong was the kind of boy your parents warn you about. They were both boys (although that should not be a crime at all) and they were both just teenagers. Yet there was something about this love that was right in every way.

                Perhaps it was the way Taeyong looked at Sicheng so fondly, as if he was the most beautiful and precious thing in the world. Perhaps it was the way their fingers intertwined so perfectly, as if the spaces between their fingers were specifically crafted for each other. Perhaps it was the secrets they shared, heart-breaking and dangerous as they were. Perhaps it was the fact that Sicheng loved Taeyong through everything, his scars, his imperfections, everything.

                Taeyong decided to introduce Sicheng to Hansol, the third most important man in his life (first being his father and second being Sicheng himself). It was the night Sicheng’s parents were away visiting relatives and trusted their baby to take care of the house. Sicheng nodded, not telling them he was spending the night with Taeyong instead.

                Taeyong stole Yunho’s car (mostly out of spite, he still didn’t like him) and they drove off in the middle of the night to a lookout point just outside of Seoul where Hansol and his gang frequent. Sicheng was nervous the minute he stepped out of the car and saw all these college people sitting on top of cars, beers in their hands with the car radio turned up high.

                “Hey! Glad you could make it!” Hansol waved, his arms around a brunette boy who was leaning lazily against him.

                “Guys, this is Sicheng, the boy I was telling you about.” Taeyong said, holding Sicheng’s hand and pulling him towards the gang.

                “H…hi…” Sicheng bowed politely.

                “So you’re the kid Taeyong couldn’t shut up about.” Hansol laughed. “Don’t blame him though. You’re cute.”

                “What am I? Chopped liver?” the brunette boy he was holding suddenly pouted.

                “ ’Course not babe. You’re the cutest.” Hansol leaned down to capture his lips, biting the other boy’s lips teasingly. “I’m Hansol, and this is Yuta. That dude over there is Johnny, and next to him is the guy he’s trying to named Ten. There’s also Doyoung and Taeil.”

                “Excuse you, you make me sound like some ert.” Johnny spat, twirling the empty beer bottle with his fingers.

                “You are.” Ten laughed, taking selfies with Doyoung.

                “And it’s my fault? I’m not the one who spams the chat with pics.” Ten stuck his tongue out at Johnny, and his lips teasingly afterwards. Johnny wagged his finger and he laughed.

                “Are they…” Sicheng asked Taeyong.

                “Long story.” Taeyong laughed, helping Sicheng climb up the top of Yunho’s car. They left muddy trails and scratches on the screen but as far as Taeyong was concerned, those marks were karma. Hansol and Yuta tossed them beer bottles.

                “Do you want some?”

                “Uhm…sure.” Sicheng had never tried beer before, but he figured since he was there, he might as well.

                “Okay, one sip. We’ll share a bottle.” He opened the bottle and let Sicheng have the first sip. The bitterness of the liquid flowed down his throat and triggered his taste buds, he almost spat the drink back out.

                “No more.” Sicheng winced.

                “Told you. Figured you wouldn’t like it.” Taeyong laughed, kissing his temple.

                The night was one of the best Sicheng had ever had. Music, laughter and the right person. Taeyong held him close all the time and Hansol’s gang was actually really nice. They were friendly and made sure Sicheng was kept in the loop. Doyoung and Johnny were also semi-fluent in Chinese, so it was really nice to speak in Chinese after such a long time.

                It was just perfect. Taeyong pulled Sicheng inside the car to kiss him, tongues battling for dominance. Sicheng moaned at the pleasure, hands gripping on Taeyong’s waist. The bitterness of the beer and the smokiness of Taeyong’s cigarette lingered on Sicheng’s tongue, like a toxic drug and he was just begging for more.

                “Taeyong…”

                “Sicheng…”

                “I want you.” Sicheng said. “I want you so badly.”

                “You do?” Taeyong kissed down Sicheng’s jaw. “Are you sure?”

                “Yes.” Sicheng’s hand found Taeyong’s stomach, feeling the lines of his abs underneath his shirt. His hand went down lower, and lower…

                “Wait.” Taeyong stopped him. “I want this to be perfect to you.”

                “This is perfect for me.”

                “No it isn’t.” Taeyong pulled his hand back. “You deserve someone who could give you the world Sicheng. I don’t want you to rush into something you’re not ready for.”

                “What are you saying?”

                “I’m saying we have all the time in the world. We don’t have to do it tonight.”

                “Don’t you want me?” Sicheng asked. “Don’t you love me?”

                “More than anything,” Taeyong affirmed, kissing Sicheng again and again. There was a glint of sadness in Taeyong’s eyes. “Just wait a while okay.”

                “Tae…”

                “I want to be perfect to you, and when I am, we will be together. I promise.”

                “But Tae…”

                “Shh…” Taeyong kissed him. “Let’s just enjoy the night. You look like an angel.”

                Sicheng wanted to say that Taeyong was perfect, that all he needed was Taeyong and Taeyong alone. He let Taeyong cuddle him, hands nowhere inappropriate as the sky turned bright again.

                He would forever be grateful that Taeyong denied him that night.

************************

                First loves usually never last, and Sicheng had to learn that the hard way.

                It was Taeyong’s birthday, and Sicheng was getting ready to go over to his house to surprise him. He had gotten up really early, prepared a nice handmade breakfast and was walking to his house as fast as possible. When he arrived, Hansol and his friends were outside, all on their phones with their heads down.

                “Hey guys!” Sicheng greeted.

                “Sicheng…” Ten saw him and bit his lip. He was about to say something when Johnny put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Sicheng saw a FOR SALE sign hanging on Taeyong’s gate and the door was now chained.

                “What’s happening? Why is the sign here?”

                “Sicheng…” Hansol sighed. “Something happened.”

                “What? What happened?” Sicheng dropped the food he made, his stomach churning and his heart paused.

                “Taeyong and his mother are not here.” Hansol explained. “You see, Yunho was beating them and…”

                “And what? What is it?!” Sicheng urged.

                “Taeyong took a hammer and he…” Hansol could no longer continue. He was trying to hold back tears as he watched Sicheng’s face turn paler and paler. “Yunho was dead, and they took Taeyong away.”

                “Who? Who took him?”

                “The police.”

                Sicheng dropped to his knees, his chest tightening once again. “We have to find him! We have to save him!”

                “Sicheng, Taeyong wants you to stay here.”

                “How do you know?”

                Ten handed Sicheng a folded note. Sicheng opened them with shaky hands.

                Don’t come for me. I’m fine. Stay with Hansol and listen to them. Don’t worry about me. And I love you. Always.

                A forget-me-not fell out from behind the note.

                Sicheng held the flower and cried. He cried and cried, until Hansol and Ten took him home. He remembered what his parents said about strangers in the playground.

                He will hurt you.

                So maybe grown-ups aren’t that stupid.

**************************

                Fast forward 15 years into the future, and all that was left of Taeyong was a memory. Sicheng never heard from him again and he eventually graduated from high school and moved to America for college, majoring in social science.

                Hansol and his friends proved to be a huge source of support for Sicheng ever since the day Taeyong was taken away. They took care of him and Doyoung, who was actually a history whiz, even tutored Sicheng in his worst subject.

                “He always talked about you.” Hansol said. “He was so in love with you, he wanted everything to be perfect. I guess it bothered him that he couldn’t be the kind of person you wanted or should be with.”

                Taeyong was flawed to the bone. Rebellious, unhappy, family issues, smoking and all that, but to Sicheng he was everything. Since his ‘everything’ was taken away, Hansol and his friends stepped up to be ‘something’. They sent him away to college at the aiport alongside his parents and Johnny, an American himself, flew to Los Angeles with him to help Sicheng settle.

                “It was a dumb thing to do, taking advantage of a minor.” Johnny confessed to him in the plane ride. “Taeyong wanted to be loved. I guess he didn’t get enough at home.”

                “No he didn’t.” Sicheng remembered.

                “Do you hate me?” Johnny asked meekly.

                “No. You were his friend, and you made him happy.” Sicheng smiled. “You made me happy too.”

                Sicheng learned to love again too, this time with his classmate, another Chinese named Qian Kun. Kun was nothing like Taeyong. He was polite, filial, loving and smart. He was valedictorian and an exemplary young man. Sicheng fell head over heels for his warmth and wittiness, and his first time was with him. It was messy and perhaps a bit confusing, but other than that it was perfect. Perhaps there was a difference between having in your teens and in your twenties.

                Sicheng finally told his parents about his uality, and as he expected they were mad. He told his parents to off because he was through with them, and married Kun in a small ceremony. Hansol, Ten, Johnny, Yuta and Doyoung were all in attendance, and Hansol was the one to walk him down the aisle. He wore a crown of daisies atop his head along with a white suit for the wedding. Kun said he looked like an angel.

                Sicheng simply smiled. He had heard that before.

                Sometimes he wondered what if, and sometimes he wondered if Taeyong was alive, but for the most part he was happy. Kun was everything he wanted, and when their first child came along from a surrogate mother, he had to become what he once feared: a parent.

                “Baba,” his son Chenle called as he stepped inside. Sicheng raised his head from his cooking and ran to hug his son.

                “Hello darling.” He kissed the boy. “How was your day?”

                “It was great baba! I made a friend!”

                “You did? What’s his name?”

                “I don’t know.”

                A strange sense of deja-vu washed over him. He looked at his son before chuckling. “Well that’s okay. You’ll get his name next time.”

                “He gave me something baba!” Chenle opened his hand to reveal his palm and Sicheng nearly cried at the small blue flower in his hand.

                It was a forget-me-not.

A/N: Let me know what you think!