My name’s Jung Hoseok. 

That’s not a lie. 

I’m always happy.

That’s not the truth.

I’ve never been particularly good at starting things. I’m even worse at ending them.

Where do I begin? What do I say? What message do I want to convey? How do I be completely honest?

I quickly found the answers.

I don’t. Nothing. None. I can’t.

Am I broken?

No.

Have I ever been completely put together?

You tell me.

I used to live in Gwangju before I moved to Seoul to chase my dreams.

Debuting in a boygroup was not that dream.

But it’s become my pride.

I became a trainee under JYP;  I was featured in one of JoKwon’s songs.

I left JYP as if I were never there to begin with.

I never dwelled on the fact that no one remembers me being there, that my existence was forgotten as if I left no mark, that I was replaced as if I never had a position in the first place and signing me would be a mistake. Really, it never bothered me.

I became a trainee under BIGHIT, I debuted with BTS.

I joined as if I didn’t belong.

I never got mistreated during my trainee days and not once did I sleep on a couch instead of a bed. But couches are comfortable, so I wouldn’t have minded if I did. 

All of the other trainees felt that I was meant to be there, complimented my talents, asked me for advice, they all liked me. But I think popularity is overrated and I wished they hadn’t liked me as much as they did.

There was another trainee that I met, Min Yoongi, he was the first to talk to me.

He said I didn’t need to sleep on the couch: I wasn’t.

He said I could go in the room and sleep on a bed: I had been.

I didn’t like him. He made me feel pathetic, like he was pitying me. I didn’t need his pity. 

He should just go and pity himself, is what I thought.

I ended my trainee years loathing Min Yoongi.

J-Hope. My stage name, it’s J-Hope.

Why?

Because I’m always hopeful, always smiling, always happy.

A very fitting name.

Suga. Yoongi’s stage name, it’s Suga.

Why?

Because he’s sweet like sugar.

It didn’t fit at all.

Jimin. Park Jimin. I liked him since the moment my eyes fell on him.

Jimin’s shorter than me, the shortest out of us who made it. 

He has the smallest hands, smaller than my own. 

Suga has larger hands even though he’s shorter than me. I hate big hands.

Jimin is the tannest member, I think his skin looks like caramel, it’s a y color and I wished he liked it more.

Suga has the palest skin, everyone says it looks like sugar, it’s ghostly and I wished they didn’t praise it so much.

Jimin has the squishiest cheeks, I love to touch them, I think I like chubby people. The fat feels nice.

Suga has defined cheekbones, they’re sharp and uncomfortable to touch, I decided early that I’d never touch him again. The bones are too prominent.

Jimin has the best body. Everything is muscular; his thighs, his abs, his biceps. It’s a body I’d love to have but would hate to work for. I don’t know how he does it.

Suga has the thinnest frame. Everything is scrawny; his legs that he claimed were better than SNSD’s, his abdomen which consisted of a barely noticeable sixpack and his ribs which seemed to be trying to break past his pasty flesh, even his arms hardly adorned any credible muscle. It’s a body I’d never envy. I don’t know how he likes it.

Jimin had acne scars that staff would cover with make-up. I liked them, the imperfections that seemed to give him character, they proved he was human.

Suga was unblemished, they’d enhance his face with make-up. He was void of character, he was less than human, I hated him.

Jimin is younger than me; he’d live a prosperous life.

Suga is older than me; he’ll die sooner.

Jimin had dark brown hair at the time. I’ve always preferred dark hair over bleached and colored hair, it had more depth.

Suga had jet black hair back then. I never thought I would prefer lighter hair. Black hair had no depth, it was just empty and dark. 

I wished Jimin would dye his hair a light shade.

Light hair had become my favorite.

V. Kim Taehyung’s stage name, it’s V.

Why?

So many glorious things began with the letter “V”; victory, vitality, valuable, virtuous, and vibrant.

I came to like V.

He had light hair.

Suga. That begins with an “S”, what do I associate with the letter “S”?

Suicide, sickly, stupid, sad, sarcastic, satanic, , schizophrenia.

Go figure.

Nothing good.

I hang around Taehyung a lot now. He’s a little weird but I like it.

I’ve distanced myself more from Jimin, I’m not as clingy.

Jimin’s been hanging out with Suga recently, but that’s not why I don’t approach him.

Taehyung and I are closer than I ever got with Jimin and I’m thankful that I talked to him. Taehyung is just as loud as me, when he wants to be, he’s also got a very nice and soulful voice; it mesmerises me.

Taehyung has long eyelashes and a freckle on the tip of his straight, and somewhat large, nose. I think Taehyung is a very handsome boy.

Taehyung is tall, unlike myself and Jimin. Tall, unlike Suga.

I love Taehyung’s blonde hair. Blonde, in contrast to my own black hair. Blonde, in contrast to Suga’s black hair. 

I learned Taehyung is from Daegu. I knew someone from Daegu, someone that I wasn’t very fond of. Suga is from Daegu.

It happened all of a sudden; Taehyung’s deep and soulful voice began sounding like Suga’s deep and grainy voice. I didn’t want to converse with Taehyung anymore.

Suga has large hands, Taehyung’s were considerably larger. I hate big hands. I didn’t want Taehyung touching me any longer.

Maybe, I thought, I should talk to Jungkook.

Jungkook. His name is Jeon Jungkook, proud maknae of BTS.

He was cute; the cutest actually.

Jungkook has large eyes, I could get lost in them, I often did.

Jungkook has a freckle underneath his bottom lip. I hope it doesn’t seem like I want a kiss when I stare at it.

Jungkook had a girlfriend before he relocated to Seoul to start his trainee days. In the beginning, he missed her. But he got better. 

He said she was his first love.

I said he was too young to know what love was.

He said I just never experienced it.

I said he was right. 

I should’ve said I just couldn’t identify it. It turns out I had experienced love.

Jungkook is talented. Golden, they call him.

Good at everything he does, great at whatever he tries, the best when he puts his all into something.

No one seemed to beat Jungkook at anything; I admired that.

Basketball. For how athletic Jungkook is, and he is still very athletic, there is one person he can’t beat at basketball: Suga.

Suga was an animal, I had no idea how he could do all those tricks. Jungkook was simply no match. He still has yet to beat Suga.

I never was a fan of basketball anyway.

Jin. Kim Seokjin’s stagename, it is Jin.

The fans say he’s the mom of BTS; I just say he knows how to work an image.

Seokjin’s a peculiar one.

His favorite color is pink and he’s unabashed about it; his phone, shoes, hats, sweatshirts, even his bedcovers, are pink.

To top it all off, he loves Disney princesses, his favorite is sleeping beauty--she wears pink.

Seokjin’s most popular nicknames became Princess, Pink Princess, and Princess Jin.

I just called him “Hyung”.

Seokjin is...well...he isn’t much of a talker.

I grew to like the silence. It was comfortable.

Seokjin never asked. I never told. You’ll never know.

I liked that secrets weren’t an issue.

I never got the chance to get close with Seokjin; he likes Suga better. 

Is it because Suga is closer in age? Because he’s quieter? Does it have to do with his more skillful and experienced raps? Could it be the stubble on his chin that contrasts his babyface? Does Seokjin like Suga better just because he is better? 

I still don’t know why; I can only mull it over like this and wonder.

I’ll never ask. He’ll never tell. You’ll never know.

Rap Monster. That’s Kim Namjoon’s stage name, Rap Monster.

Truthfully, I’d always wanted to be friends with Namjoon, we’re the same age. I was weary because of his position as the leader. Although we’re the same age he has a certain authority over me.

We did eventually become friends; shortly after I stopped going into Seokjin’s room--he ended up having Suga as a roommate. Though that wasn’t why I stopped dropping by.

I’m glad Namjoon willingly befriended me; he’s one of my best friends to this day.

He may have an authority over me as our leader, but I hold an authority over him as our dance leader. It somehow created a balance in our relationship.

I told him he looked like a lizard.

He said I resembled a horse.

Taehyung said we’re both ugly.

We laughed.

Namjoon turned out to be a genius, really. 

I wasn’t that smart. 

Namjoon turned out to have a philosophical side that would come out at random moments.

I didn’t even know the meaning of the word.

Namjoon has dimples; the fans love them.

I found that I have some sort of dimples when I eat or when I force them into showing; will the fans love me?

Namjoon turned out to have a erted side.

I could relate.

We bonded over that.

Namjoon’s always complimented me.

I’ve always complimented Namjoon.

The fans have always complimented the maknae line.

At least we always had each other. 

Namjoon and I were ⅔ the rapline. Suga was the other ⅓.

I was ⅓ of the rapline that simply wasn’t on par with their skills. I was ⅓ of the rapline that could be taken out without much notice; maybe it’d even show improvement, at least that’s what the fans would say. I was the ⅓ of the rapline that has already been forgotten before. I was ⅓ of the rapline that fans wish they could forget now.

Suga. That’s Min Yoongi’s stage name, Suga.

It still isn’t fitting.

Suga. 

Suga, because I simply couldn’t call him Yoongi.

Suga, because they say if you name an animal you’ll become attached.

I wasn’t attached.

I couldn’t be attached.

I never longingly looked at him.

I never admired the way he rapped or how amazing he was is at basketball.

I never caught myself staring at his lips, hoping that he couldn’t tell I was longing to be kissed.

I never looked at his jet black hair and loved the depth it carried.

I never stared at his pale, unblemished skin, and thought it really did resemble sugar both in how it was pigmented and in how I was addicted to it.

I certainly never wished I was Daegu in itself so that he would sing my praise.

Of course I never looked at his thin frame in wonder of how it’d feel against my own.

I never looked at his large hands and desired for them to roam my body.

I never fell asleep to the sound of his deep voice, his voice was never soothing.

I never called him by his name.

I was never gay.

I never loved him.

I never experienced love.

I was never able to distinguish what love feels like.

I was never able to distinguish how I felt towards Min Yoongi.

I was never able to fully tell the truth; not even to myself.

I’ve never been good at starting things and I’m even worse at ending them.

My name is Jung Hoseok; J-Hope is my stage name because I’m always full of hope, smiling, and happy. I’m from Gwangju and I wished I never distinguished how I felt about the first trainee that ever talked to me; the one from Daegu.