He settles into his seat in the First Class, ready to face the almost twelve hours of flight. What he’s not ready to face is the next few days. He has not decided if this photoshoot in Vienna is happening at the right time.

He shoots off a text: “Sorry, I know it’s not quite four hours yet but I’ll be on the plane the next twelve hours – I’ll text you when I get there.”

He checks the screen every half minute or so, even though he doesn’t hear any message alerts. But no text came back even as the plane is pulling away from the gate. He sighs and turns off his phone. Is he disappointed? Yes, a little. He knew she was going to be busy shooting for a Chinese program today but with their already limited correspondence, he was hoping that she would be just as eager for his texts as he is for hers. He sighs again. Then shuts his eyes and pretends to sleep. He doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Not the flight crew. Not Ahn-jjang. He needs to spend some time thinking.

Some time thinking. That’s precisely what she had asked him to do while she’s away in Beijing and he in Vienna. This is not the first time they’ve been apart or going to be apart for almost a week but this is the first time he’s filled with so much anxiety, so much burden. He has a decision to make. And he does not have the answer yet. Will she still be there when he gets back to Seoul or would she have walked away? He shudders. Refusing to admit that it’s due to the sudden dreadful feeling in his heart, he quickly fans out the covers around himself and pushes the call button to have a flight attendant bring him more covers.

He has been flipping his phone impatiently since they landed. As soon as the announcement was made that they could now use their electronic devices, he turns his phone on and is excited to see that he’s got messages but only one really interests him: “It’s fine this time  but rules are rules… no more.”

“But I hate these stupid rules!” he almost blurted out aloud.

How can she be so cruel? She knows he relies much on texting to keep in touch whenever they are apart. Really not just with her but with his family and his bandmates, Yoo Chun and Jun Su, as well. To even think of such rules means she’s deliberate in making his life miserable.

Two one-sentence texts every four hours. That’s all he's allowed. His only consolation? It could have been worse. He starts texting: “I didn’t know my baby is such a cruel creature….” He shakes his head and deletes it. What’s the use of that? She’s probably enjoying torturing him. And it’ll be a waste of a text. He sighs then texts: “Just got to Vienna…how is your shoot?”

“It went very well…my ‘date’ was very attentive, super sweet and oh…real handsome.”

He shuts his eyes momentarily. So like her to try to take a stab at him. He knew about the date. She and her bandmates are filming a show where fans get to go on dates with their favorite celebrities. He was amused when he first heard about it. Not jealous at all. But now, he is feeling more than a pang of jealousy. Obviously she knew what she was doing when she emphasized on how wonderful her date was. He’s not going to give her the satisfaction. “That’s wonderful…,” maybe you should date him for real, he hears himself spout out in his mind, irately, jealously. “My flight was too long.” And miserable. And I miss you.

“It’s worth it…you’ll enjoy Vienna.”

Easy for you to say! He stares at the screen, wondering if she misses him too. None of her texts thus far has indicated that she does. They have been upbeat, as if there’s not a storm brewing underneath the surface. As if they didn’t just have some serious arguments the last few days. As if she’s not going to be affected whichever way he decides.

He picks up his backpack and slings it across his back. He nods at the flight attendants as they bid him farewell. He continues down the jetway and into the gate area. He continues to walk. The people around him fade into oblivion as his memory takes him back to her words a few days ago:

“I think maybe we need to just cool it and wait till the Japan Dome concerts are over, or after your drama if that’s too much to deal with then…”

He had thought she was asking to break up. But she was simply tired of the ‘roller-coaster’ he’s been putting her on. Guilty as charged. He’s been hot and cold. Not by choice. He just seems to have difficulty controlling the anxiety that rolls over him every time he thinks about where their relationship is heading.

He hates not being in control. And he certainly has no control over the upcoming military enlistment. He has prepared as well as he could in regards to his family and his fans. She, on the other hand, crept up unexpectedly. It never crossed his mind that he would meet a woman that would flip his heart and life upside down so much prior to his enlistment. He has been so busy with his dramas, art direction for Moldir, his solo career and JYJ’s activities in the last year or more. It was partially intentional and partially out of necessity.

He has seen what two years can do to relationships and careers. Most stars recover and their career seem to thrive better after their enlistment. He can’t help having doubts that he would have the same fortune so has been working hard to make sure that his fans will not forget him. Relationships seem to have a way smaller success rate. He has heard countless stories of betrayal and heartbreak to know he would rather avoid them. He really did not have much to worry about since relationships have been almost non-existent in his life the last three years or so. As his enlistment loomed closer, he has been even more careful to not get involve.

But what do they say about the best laid plans?

“Hyung! Hyung!!” He stops and turns to Ahn-jjang’s voice. “You just took off.”

“Sorry, was not paying attention.”

Ahn-jjang is perturbed. Jae Joong knows better. He usually waits at his seat till Ahn-jjang comes to get him. But he was not in his seat like usual. That set him and the bodyguard off on a rush down the jetway and a frantic search of the gate area. “You okay?”

Jae Joong nods. “Sorry,” he says again to Ahn-jjang and the bodyguard.

Vienna is beautiful. Just as she had told him. He continues to stare at the city lights before him until a beep from his phone alerts him. It’s 9pm.

He picks up his phone from the patio table. What should he say? He misses her but those words would seem meaningless now. “You are right…Vienna is beautiful.” He drops his phone on the patio table and takes two successive sips of his wine. He knows he won’t get a response. It’s 3am in Beijing.

“Kim Jae Joong, you should go to bed,” he tells himself. He has to be up by five tomorrow morning. And then it would be a full day of photoshoots. He finishes the glass of wine.

But sleep will elude him. After tossing and turning for almost an hour, he finally throws the covers aside. He struts into the living room. Glad that there’s a baby grand in his suite. For some odd reason, he had shoved some manuscripts into his backpack for this trip. Not something he normally would do for such short and hectic work trips. He finds a pencil in one of the drawers and sits down to hopefully find some inspiration.

Inspiration was not hard to come by. As soon as he runs his fingers over the black and white keys for a few moments, a melody catches his fancy. For the next few hours, he furiously works on a new song. He would have ignored the text message alert from his phone if he thought the text was from anyone else but her.

He quickly picks up his phone to read the text: “Are you still awake…Vienna looks even better during the day.”

“I’ve been composing, can’t sleep.”

A pause then, “Don’t stay up too late…you have a very long day tomorrow.”

“I’ll be fine…You have fun today.”

“I sure will. Good night!”

He hates that the same rules don’t apply to her. He didn’t feel like writing anymore. He trudges back to bed. This time, he falls asleep quickly, succumbing to exhaustion from traveling and probably from wrestling with his emotions the last 24 hours.

So she’s right again. Vienna looks even more stunning during the day. Except for a short indoor shoot, most of the shoots were focused outdoors. He got to see some of the amazing architecture that she had described to him and experienced walking down the streets of Vienna like she had done more than a few times.

He had texted her as soon as he woke up this morning but did not get any response till about two hours later when he was heading out to his first shoot location. He almost typed a response only to realize it has not been four hours yet. Irritated, he shoved his phone back in his pocket. She had apologized for not hearing his text. She had been in rehearsals with the orchestra that was going to accompany her during the concert all morning. That explanation did nothing to lessen his frustration. Still hate this rule.

He didn’t get to text her till a few hours later: “How did the rehearsal go…are they ready for the concert?” He has no doubt she’ll be fine but the orchestra musicians are high schoolers and it’s their first time on such a huge stage.

“I think they’ll do well….if they don’t get stage fright. We have another rehearsal the day of the concert and this time they’ll get to perform on the very stage so hopefully, that would be enough. How’s the shoot so far?”

“It’s going well…I’m looking at one of the buildings you described to me, which is absolutely magnificent.”

“Lol, enjoy it. I’ve got to go. Heading out to the fan meeting.”

He shuts his phone off and gets ready for the next shoot.

The day just rolls by. He has enjoyed walking around Vienna and that carriage ride was certainly a new experience though he was sure the passersby thought he looks weird or out of place in that pink assemble of his. If only they knew that he felt the same way. Despite being in this business for ten years and having done countless number of photoshoots, he still sometimes feels uncomfortable. It has been less so since JYJ. He has more say in most things. With the pink patterned suit, he did agree to it when they first showed it to him weeks ago so he can’t really complain now. Besides, he’s sure the pink will show well against the black of the carriage and the white of the stuccos in the background.

Now that they are done for the day, he finds a quiet spot in the studio and quickly sends her a text: “Shoot just ended….How was the fan meeting?”

“It went really well. I got to check out the concert venue too but I’m not really worried. Back at the hotel now, trying to rest up.”

He thought for a few seconds before writing: “I miss you…Dream of me tonight.”

He holds his breath, not sure if she would respond and if she did, what she would say. Seconds tick by and he’s beginning to wonder if he made a mistake. More seconds tick by. Then: “I will. See you then…”

A grin swiftly replaces the frown on his face. He exhales. Her response shows that she’s been thinking of him and it’s her way of telling him she will continue to think of him. That gave him a measure of peace. But just a small measure because he still needs to sort out the reason for his anxieties. Or else, in less than three days, she could forever remain in his dreams only.

“Good morning…thank you for the beautiful dream.”

It took her a half minute to respond: “You’re welcome. Likewise. By the way, don’t forget to take pictures for memories.”

Right. He remembered too late yesterday and only got less than handful of good shots. “I will…Be careful setting up.”

“Lol…Don’t worry. I’ve done this for years now, remember?” A pause. “Send me pictures.”

He smiles, then jumps out of bed with much more energy than yesterday morning.

He stares at his own reflection in the mirror. He lied about having a beautiful dream. He really could not remember the dream. Or if he actually dreamt. When he got back to his suite last night, he spent the evening battling his anxieties, trying to face the fears and insecurities that are harming their relationship. Falling asleep was not easy. He was gripped by his anxieties including a new and very scary one. He can’t stand losing her. He can’t have her run away.

“Time is ticking, Kim Jae Joong,” he scolds the scowling face staring back him. “You need to figure all this out very soon. Stop running away.”

They are combining breakfast and shoot this morning. He has no objection. He is loving this setting and settles down in his seat. He takes some pictures of the props on the table before him then turns to snap pictures of the statue in the square as well as the buildings opposite him. Such charming façade. He can’t decide which he loves more, the black iron wrought balconies or the distinctive Ringstrasse fronts of these buildings.    

He sends her a picture of him sipping a cup of coffee as soon as the shoot at Café Kleines ends. “I really like this place…Maybe we can come back to Vienna together some day and have a cup or two here.”

He doesn’t get a response right away. And not a minute later. Or another. The minutes keep ticking by. He checks the time difference. It’s 4pm in Beijing. Did he say something wrong? He strolls pass the statue in the square with Ahn-jjang. They need to get back to their car to drive to their next shoot location. But his steps are slow and deliberate.

A text alert stops him in his track. A picture. Of a plate of pastry and a cup of coffee. At Café Kleines. He smiles. She’s been here. He turns on his heels, throwing the distinctive green chairs and tables a longing gaze. He can imagine the two pictures coming together, the lines fading and they are sitting across from each other sipping their cup of coffee. But they are oblivious to each other’s presence. Because they are separated by time and space. He sighs. His heart heavy.

“What’s wrong? Did you leave something behind?” he hears Ahn-jjang asking.

“No, but I need to…” he says softly.

“What, hyung?”    

He shakes his head and turns back around. This time, his strides firmer and more determined.

His jaw almost drops at the sight of the vastly magnificent Schonbrunn Palace. He can already imagine the beautiful images they can photograph here. He works tirelessly for the next four hours or so.

“That’s a wrap! Thank you everyone!!” The photographer yells out.

He motions Ahn-jjang for his phone.

“Don’t you want to get out of these clothes first.”

He shakes his head. All he can think of is he misses her and he wants her here with him. He sends her another picture. Almost immediately, before he could send her a text, he gets a picture from her too. She’s standing on one of Schonbrunn’s balconies, back towards him, looking out to the gardens below. “Isn’t it beautiful? I want to be back there again.”

“I want you here now!” he wanted to write. Instead, he says, “Me too, with more time to enjoy it all.”

A pause on her end. “You look great in that yellow coat….It totally blends in with the autumn leaves.”

He smiles. He gets up from the bench and starts walking down the tree-lined path. Yes, it would be nice to take a slow stroll down this path with her. He stops. “Do you miss me?” He feels the stabbing pain as his fingers type the words. Please tell me you do.

Another pause. He knows he is pushing it. She already told him how vulnerable she has felt lately. He continues to stare at his phone.

“Yes, I miss you. Come home safely.”

He almost chokes reading that. He pursed his lips to keep his emotions in check. He needed that. He exhales, and exhales again. He feels a burden lifting. His eyes train before him, as if he’s peering through a fog. Everything fades into the fog. A silhouette slowly appears. She is strolling a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, she turns and smiles brightly at him, eyes beckoning him. He walks towards her till they are face to face. At that moment, he feels another layer of his fear melting away.

On the way back to the hotel, he asks to stop by a playground. He plops himself down on a swing and starts to sway himself into a rhythm though his mind is really focused on something else.

His heart knew before his mind did, which explains the rising anxieties every time he thought about his military enlistment. He knew something was amiss but he was too afraid to put two and two together. His fear of abandonment tuned the voice from his heart out.

He was afraid she would leave him like his biological mother, like all the people who vowed to stand by him but abandoned him when he left his last agency, like his last girlfriend.  He started to doubt her, to doubt himself and to doubt them together. So he told himself it’s impossible they would even last till his enlistment. They couldn’t. His anxiety would go through the roof and he would push her away. If she had not forced him to face his anxiety, his doubts and his feelings, he probably would have ended up pushing her away. As much as he hates her little rules, he can appreciate it now. Well, just a little. A tiny smile pulls at the corner of his lips as he thought that.

He jumps off the swing and pulls out his phone to dial a familiar number. “Hyung, can you send me the music to my new album?”

Back in the hotel, he checks the time. Not yet. He yanks his clothes off on the way to the bathroom. As usual, her stupid rules are frustrating him again. He turns on the shower and hopes the warm sprays will help release some of the knots and stress.

He needs to speak to her desperately. But he can’t. He’s done with these rules. He doesn't want to do this anymore especially now that he has come to terms with his feelings. He feels all the emotions from the last few days come to the surface overwhelming him. He tells himself to let go. It’s okay to let go now. Tears roll down his face. He feels himself calming down. The tension leaving his heart, his body and his mind.  

He checks the time again. Yes, finally! He quickly wraps the towel around his waist and texts her: “We need to talk when we get back to Seoul.” Please be still awake. He waits.

“Okay.”

“Good night.”

A pause. “Good night.”

He knows she’s probably wondering about that short message. It’s probably the shortest message he has sent her since he left for Vienna. But it was the only way to control himself from spewing everything he wants to say to her now. If he could fly, he would fly back to her now.

He turns his phone off and quickly pulls on some clothes. Then flips open his laptop. He plays the tune that has been haunting him all day. Without hesitation, he starts writing the lyrics to the song, piecing together the words that have been whirling around in his mind.

I'm watching you pass on the sidewalk
You're next to me
I'm watching you go for a coffee
I smile and greet you even though I'm alone

I miss u, I hate u, I love u
How did I let you down
Why did I cry like a child
I'm regretting and hitting myself

You are everywhere
You're so far, but so close
Like I could touch you...

In less than fifteen minutes, he was done. He scribbles the title of the song across the top: ‘Love You To Death’. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I titled the one-shot "Reflection" for various reasons. But mostly because that's precisely what Jaejoong has to do on this short trip to Vienna. Are you able to spot the other reasons?

The draft for this one-shot was completed before Jaejoong's "No. X" album was released. When I saw the lyrics to "Love You To Death", I was floored. How could it reflect Jaejoong's feelings and thoughts in this story so well? It was as if he could have written the song in Vienna. Hover over the song title above and it will take you to the Youtube page with the lyrics. 

This one-shot was a little challenge to myself. I usually like to include the feelings and thoughts of all the characters. But this one-shot only allows Jaejoong to do so. Readers can only guess the other character's feelings and thoughts through her texts. And not once her real identity is revealed. I'm sure some of you have your own guesses.

I hope you've enjoyed reading this very short piece. Please let me know what you think (or feel). Thank you for reading!!