TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self-harm and abuse.  Read with caution.

When you told me that you’d take care of me I thought that for the very first time I would feel a sense of belonging - of love that I never felt growing up because my parents often fought and when things weren’t resolve I became their punching bag.  I showed you my scars and instead of grimacing like everyone else did, you kissed the long vertical lines that ran down my arms and legs and back.  

When I met you I thought that I didn’t need anyone else anymore.  Because as much as I was a people pleaser, ultimately when it came to love, I just needed it from you.  I didn’t have a long list of former lovers, which everyone expects or concludes when they meet a girl in her early twenties.  Because all along, I knew that when it came to dating and flirting and boys, I only needed one.  One person to change my life…and that was you.    

With you, I always felt this sense of euphoria - that no matter what happened, you’d still be there by my side giving me silly butterfly kisses against my button nose.  And because I clung onto this hope that you’d always come to my rescue, I began to rely on you - sometimes, a little too much.  When you weren’t by my side, I faltered, reaching for the knife again…watching as the blade dug through the surface of my skin.  It smelt of metal and jelly.  

I asked if you could take me away one day.  You being you, of course nodded at this request with that goofy adorable grin across your face, which I fell in love with.  

So you took me away far, far away from this scary place I spent my childhood in…everyday wishing for some miracle to happen or the woman who gave birth to me to be asleep or somehow incapacitated so that I wouldn’t have to be tormented under her abuse for just one day.  

We said we’d have a soccer team of kids.

But on our marriage night, that trickle of crimson that ran down your nose made it all impossible.

“Stage 4 Leukemia,” the doctors said.  I looked into your eyes and instead of tears of despair, I saw my own reflection as you smiled cheerfully back at me.  

“Oppa…” I called, letting the tears run free down the apples of my cheeks, gathering at my chin.  

“Shh…” you simply replied.  

I didn’t understand how something like this could happen to the world’s kindest person - my one and only hope.  

Three months was the time given to us.  But every time my eyes so much as to grow a little glossy, you made sure to crack one of your ridiculous jokes to cheer me up.  

“I love you,” I confessed as we were in bed one night.  

Instead of replying back, you looked at me with eyes that I couldn’t recognize.  They were so broken, so distant.  I threw my arms around you, hugging you tightly against my small fr