6

The Sky [pt. 3]

Starting a Future & Ending a Future

“Oh, it’s you again!”

Joonmyun flashed a polite smile, although he tried so hard not to let the smile grow wider. Yixing’s bright, pleasant look had been what he came to the flower shop for. He had been coming there for a few times, buying random flowers for occasions he had made up when Yixing asked what kind of event he needed flowers for. He couldn’t even remember the flowers’ names, all he knew was that they were pretty; just like the eyes of the one who had grown them.

“What event is it this time, Mr. Kim?”

“I told you to call me Joonmyun.”

Yixing grinned sheepishly. “Actually,” he murmured hesitatingly, “I found your name a little bit difficult to pronounce, so I went with Mr. Kim instead.”

Joonmyun blinked at him. “Why didn’t you say so?” he asked in genuine worry. Then he held himself back. Why would it matter? Since when did Zhang Yixing matter so much to him?

“It’s not a big deal, Mr. Kim.”

“You can call me Joon, then. Just Joon.”

He almost gasped when Yixing’s eyes went wide like saucers. “Joon.” Yixing spelled it, and Joonmyun never felt any prouder. “That’s really easy. Joon. One syllable. Why didn’t I think about it before?” he then giggles.

Joonmyun always wondered how Zhang Yixing could be so easily pleased by such little things.

“Anyway, back to the topic. What kind of flower you want to have this time?”

Suppressing a giddy smile, Joonmyun tried to play cool as he walked further into the shop with Yixing trailing behind him. “You see, Yixing,”

“Call me Xing.”

That actually caught Joonmyun off-guard.

“I can’t stand you pronouncing my name so off like that.” Yixing laughed when he saw Joonmyun’s scandalized face. “Not that I’m upset because of it. I just think I can ease you, just like how you eased me. Just call me Xing from now on.”

Joonmyun almost couldn’t keep his image because of the heat that was threatening to spread across his cheeks. “Okay then.” he continued. “You see, X-xing,”

“You stuttered, Joon.”

“there is this person.” Joonmyun tried with all his might to continue. “I have been in love with him for months. Ever since the first time I met him.”

“Whoa, isn’t it too fast? I mean, you just met him, yet you’re already in love with him?”

“Well, I don’t like going in circles.” Joonmyun explained. “I mean, I’m not someone who likes to test the waters when it comes to my feelings. If my heart doesn’t go with it, then I won’t bother to feel anything. But once my heart says ‘yes, he is the one’, then I’ll go all out. That’s why I didn’t take the ‘crushing’ stage; I simply go for ‘love’.”

Yixing nodded in awe. “You’re really cool, seriously.”

“And I’ve decided yesterday, that I’m not going to stretch things any longer.” Joonmyun smiled at Yixing. “I’m going to confess my love to him. I’m not sure if he feels the same or not, but I would regret not trying more than I would be sad because he rejects me.”

“You’re right!” Yixing nodded rapidly. “Anything is possible! Even if he doesn’t like you right now, maybe he will start to have feelings for you after seeing how consistent and genuine you are.”

Joonmyun smiled wider. “Yes, I hope he will.”

“Hmm, so you need a bouquet to confess.” Yixing hummed, thinking for a moment. “Hey, Joon, how would you describe that person?”

A little bit taken aback, Joonmyun couldn’t help but stare into Yixing’s eyes. “Sun.” he whispered. “That person is bright, warm, like the sun. Every time I’m with him, it’s like everything is a lot brighter than before.”

Yixing then smirked proudly at him. “I think I might have the perfect one for you.” he said as he gestured at Joonmyun to follow him towards another aisle.

“Are you going to suggest me sunflowers?” Joonmyun asked.

“What? No.” Yixing laughed. “If you want to visit a sick person or attend a birthday party then maybe you would want to bring sunflowers. It symbolizes long life and good luck, basically auspicious.” They then stopped at a corner, and Yixing gestured his hand towards a bunch of stalks of flowers with bright, frail yellow petals spreading out. “But if you want to go mushy and sweet, almost melancholic, then this is the perfect choice. In my opinion, though.”

Joonmyun nodded as he blinked in awe. “They’re very beautiful. And bright.” he genuinely said. “What are they?”

“Daffodils.” Yixing grinned proudly, as if he was showing off his children. “Their meaning is rather cheesy.”

“What is it?”

Yixing wandered his gaze over the bunch of daffodils, looking vibrant and alive. “The sun is always shining when I’m with you.” he said softly.

Joonmyun’s gaze slowly shifted from the flowers to Yixing. Yes. The flowers were exactly what he was looking for.

The hues of lilacs are already painting the sky. The air is getting colder, the wind is blowing quite harder than it was half an hour ago. It’s almost thirty minutes to six p.m.

Yixing is still not here.

But despite the nervousness inside his chest, Joonmyun doesn’t feel upset. Just half an hour ago Yixing had called him that he was finally able to be on his way to the beach. Normally it would take approximately an hour from downtown to here, but since Yixing would be using his motorcycle, he might get here in less than an hour.

He stares over the skies and chuckles. At how miserable he had been during the whole month. He had thought it was the wisest decision to let Yixing go, to spare Yixing from the pain of being involved with someone like him. Someone so complicated. He didn’t want to taint the beautiful simplicity in Yixing’s life with his ugly complexity.

During three years of being with Yixing, he was somehow lulled into the daydream that made him think what they had would stay for an eternity; the calm before the storm. His relationship with Yixing was one he and Yixing had kept with effort. He was so careful not to put Yixing on the spotlight, because the media could be cruel to twist the truth to something much different and misleading. He was so careful not to make his father notice Yixing along the way. He couldn’t simply pick up his phone and call Yixing and tell him he misses him anytime he wanted to, he couldn’t immediately go to Yixing’s place after his work because a lot of pair of eyes were watching his moves, he couldn’t stay at Yixing’s studio apartment for more than one night because people would suspect.

But it was worth all of the struggles. The loving words Yixing always sent him randomly. The twinkle in Yixing’s eyes the moment he opened the door to him. The soft, warm feel of Yixing’s lips against his collarbone that woke him up in the morning, tangled under the blanket with Yixing on the latter’s bed. All the glorious, content and warm feeling of loving and being loved, they were worth the struggles.

That was until last month, when his father finally found out about them.

“Is this how we should turn out to be, father?” he remembers being so cocky, too confident. “Should I say I’ll resign from my chair in the company just to make you stop bothering my love life and the person I love? Should I really?”

He remembers his father’s gaze at him. Full of meanings, full of secrets, full of words he seemed to be unable to express. “Will you do it? Step off your position so you can be with that kid?”

“No. I won’t. I’ve worked so hard to be in that position. All my youth, I’ve spent them to prepare myself to be worthy of it, without any of your direct help. I’m not going to throw it away just like that.”

“And the kid?”

“He doesn’t have anything to do with my job. No one said I can’t have a love life if I want to dedicate myself for my work. I can keep my job and have him at the same time.”

“Then why did you hide him from me?” his father had asked. “Wasn’t it because you were scared I would ask him to see the bigger picture and stay away from you, right?”

He remembers getting caught off-guard.

“Joonmyun, answer me honestly. Do you think I love your mother?”

“I don’t think you’re able to love her the way she deserves to be loved.”

For the first time in a very long time, he watched his father looking at him so softly. “I love her, Joonmyun. With all of my heart. In your case, loving you, my son, is not just a matter of will, but also a matter of responsibility. I have to love and take care of you, because I took part in bringing you to the world. I’m responsible of you, of your well-being. But your mother, my feelings for her are purely based by love.”

He remembers being so stubborn, still considering everything his father said as sweet talk, a tale that has invalid truth.

“But as you said yourself, Joonmyun, for as long as I can remember, I haven’t loved her properly. Many times I left her alone in this huge house. Many times I cancelled dinners and lunches because of work. Many times I had to stay at the office, leaving her cold on the bed. As you said, I didn’t love her the way she deserves to be loved. But do you think it was because I didn’t want to? It was because I couldn’t. I have a lot of responsibilities, huge ones. This company that we run, it’s on a very serious, risky level. Once you close your eyes from it for five seconds, everything changes the moment you open your eyes again. It requires your attention twenty four seven if needed.”

”Are you saying that the company matters more than your family? Because I won’t be surprised.”

“No. But I will be honest and tell you that I once thought that focusing more on work is better than focusing on family only. Because if I only focus on my family, my work would be abandoned, everything would be a chaos. But if I focus more on work, it will bring prosperity to my family to. They will live with no lacks. They can have whatever they want, being treated with the outmost care when needed. Yet in the end, as years gone by, as I finally found about you and your lover, about how you couldn’t even give your lover the proper amount of attention he needed, my eyes were opened wide. I finally realized, that in the end, the person who had stayed with you through ups and downs matters more than anything.”

He remembers being shocked with his father’s words.

“It was already too late for me when I realized it, Joonmyun. Twenty five years too late. No matter what I do now, it won’t ever erase the wrongdoings I’ve done to your mother and you. But you, son, you still have the chance to choose. Will you choose one of them, your work or your lover? Or will you be greedy and have the both of them, and end up disappointing him, like me?”

He remembers not being able to sleep for two days because of those words. He was so torn apart. He wanted to be with Yixing. He wanted to have Yixing with him. But he also wanted to continue with his work in the company. He had spent his youth making himself proper for the position, to inherit the business once his father passes it to him.

He remembers watching his mother preparing dinner for his father. She never failed to do it even if she knew the most that he often won’t make it home by the meal time. He watched as she prepared all the dishes with a soft, warm smile on her face. His father then called from the office, telling her he won’t be able to be home for dinner again. For the first time, he properly watched the fall on her face. It stayed for a moment before she mustered up a smile and told him it’s okay.

And Yixing’s face kept on flashing in his mind.

That was why he came to Yixing that night and carefully told Yixing that he couldn’t pursue their relationship more. He was ready to be poured with curses and hateful words. He had expected to be slapped. But Yixing, the forever kind Yixing, only asked with shaky, quite voice, “did I do something wrong?”

He had explained his point of view. Or blatantly to say, his excuses. He told Yixing that he couldn’t torture him more with being unreachable most of the times, only showing up whenever he wanted to. He couldn’t keep Yixing waiting without clear assurance. He couldn’t keep making Yixing feel lonely even when he had a lover.

Yixing had nodded. He said he understood. He thanked, thanked Joonmyun for being considerate. But at the fifth step Joonmyun took when he walked away from Yixing’s front door, he heard him said;

“I loved you, Joon. Even when you weren’t around most of the times. Even when you didn’t pick up my calls. Even when sometimes you left in the morning without saying goodbye. I had loved you, because I trusted you would always come and find me. I believed even if you never said it, I was the only one in your heart, the only person you’d go to. That was enough for me to love you. What was it that wasn’t enough for you to love me the same?

Why couldn’t you trust me, Joonmyun?”

Even before he could start to process the question, Yixing had shut his door.

And after that, Yixing became a ghost in his life, and their memories became an old movie he could barely recall ever watching.

He carried on as usual. Working, meetings, lunch with colleagues, working again, meeting again, dinner with his mother, a few times with his father too, the routine repeats itself every day. He thought that his life would be normal again without Yixing. He had lived a life without Yixing once anyway.

What he didn’t expect was that Yixing had become a part in his life.

So when he took that part out, his life became dysfunctional, because it had lost one important part.

For two weeks, he began to question himself about the decision he had made. Suddenly his work become ten times tiring than it should’ve been. It was like everything was forced to hi