Slowly, Ardently

Written by thesecretgarden

 

 

Disclaimer: I don’t own Moonlight Drawn by Clouds.

 

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Chapter 1: the path to you

 

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one: the sunlight is dancing

 

 

Yeong has never thought of himself as being particularly cruel before.

 

He is at times short-tempered, stubborn, and even prideful – a trait that while he is not proud of, has been ingrained in him since he was young – after all, how can one rule a country without confidence? Without believing in oneself? But he would like to think that he is not so heartless despite everything that has happened and is definitely far from ‘cruel’.

 

Perhaps ‘mean’ would be the more appropriate word to describe how he’s acting towards his favourite eunuch at the moment, never mind the fact that such juvenile acts should be way beyond him.

 

But he can’t help it.

 

How is he supposed to restrain himself from teasing him—her—this strange little creature who from the very first time they met had dared to kick him into a dung pit (granted at the time she had not known who he really is otherwise she would be begging for her life, which again, she did), but even after knowing his true identity as the crown prince, she is the only person aside from Byung-yeon who treats him as a friend genuinely. Not because of his status, not because of fear, but because of who he is as a person.

 

It amuses him though that she now seems to be dead bent on avoiding him after the kiss that they shared back in the garden, as well as after hearing his declaration of…love. He finds love a strange notion. Not only is it an emotion that he rarely comes across to feeling, it is also different than the love he has for Myeong-eun and Yeong-eun or Suk-ui or his mother and father. With her, he is willing to throw away all of his pride without thinking twice. He would forget about his status as the future king – of his duty, responsibilities, of reality – and for once, feels what it is like to be an ordinary person, to be just a man.

 

And as ridiculous as a notion love is, he has to do even more ridiculous things in order to make her stay by his side.

 

She’s been so busy hiding from him, bolting into the nearest safety whenever they meet each other in the palace, that he rarely sees her these days. Yeong has a feeling she’s also purposely taking extra menial jobs from Hoon Nam on top of her regular duties so that she won’t have the time to tend to him – even though her primary job is supposed to serve him. Is she not a person of his place? Thanks to her foolishness, he has no choice but to resort to an equally foolish solution.

 

“Ye? You lost the copy of the notes that I made before?” She blinks at him, eyebrows scrunched together. “And you want me to re-draw the whole steps? All the movements of the dance?”

 

“I injured my hand during sword practice today so I couldn’t do it even if I want to.”

 

Lies.

 

“Jeoha—“
 

“And I must have it done by tonight. The Minister of Rites has been pestering me to document it and store it in the archive as soon as possible.”

 

Lies.

 

“B-But—!”

 

Yeong tilts his head somewhat, raising an eyebrow. “Oho. Did you not say to me before, that you won’t ever forget a dance you see or even a song you hear only once? Then all those dance moves should be written in your head, no?”

 

She chews on her lower lip, slightly exasperated. “Even so…it will take some time for me to draw all those movements, unlike last time…I will only be done by tomorrow morning the fastest.”

 

“Fine.”

 

She blinks. “Ye?”

 

He gestures at the stacks of scroll in front of him. “I’m saying it’s fine if you can’t finish it by tonight. I have the reference materials in front of you, though I suppose you won’t be needing them. Now all that’s left is for you to do it.”

 

“Jeoha—“

 

“Right. Now.”

 

Ra-on sends him a dark look, which makes him raise his brow higher in response, as if saying ‘What? You dare to defy me?’, and the girl lets out a defeated sigh, knowing that she has no choice but to listen to his ridiculous demand. His mouth twitches into a small smirk when he catches her making a face at him behind his back, and she immediately clears and averts her eyes.

 

Yeong watches her walk towards him and bends down to gather all the scrolls into her tiny arms in amusement. He then fakes a frown. “What are you doing right now?”

 

Ra-on stops in her steps and pokes her head from behind the mountain of scrolls. “Ye? Ah…I’m planning to bring these back to the Repentance Hall since it will probably take me the whole night to do it.”

 

“Then do it here.” He says coolly.

 

Ra-on pauses, fervently hoping that she has just heard him wrong. She calms herself down and smiles at him sheepishly. “Jeoha, I’m afraid you don’t understand. I just said it will take me the whole night to do this task and working here is certainly not a good idea since you will be needing your rest—“

 

Yeong draws an impatient breath and gives her an unimpressed look. “Oho. Who’s the crown prince here? Me or you?”

 

Ra-on is about to talk back to him, but she sees the scary frown on his face and relents. She pouts in annoyance and plops down into her seat in front of him, sulkily placing the scrolls back to the small table separating the two of them. She glances at him again, and Yeong only gives her a tilt of his head, daring her to say otherwise.

 

She picks up the brush on the corner of the table and starts drawing reluctantly, huffing. “Che, what treating me as a friend,” the girl mutters under her breath, “whenever he has a chance to do it he won’t hesitate to pull a rank on me. Flowers scholar is flower scholar after all.”

 

Yeong glares at her half-heartedly. “I heard that.”

 

Ra-on nods in mock-repentance. “Ye, ye, I am so sorry, your royal highness.”

 

“This rascal, seriously,” Yeong raises his hand in a gesture as if he is about to flick her forehead, and Ra-on mutters out a small ‘eep’, closing her eyes in anticipation of the incoming pain, but when minutes have passed and still she senses no force resembling a flick to her poor forehead whatsoever, she begins to open her eyes and is greeted with the sight of Yeong hovering his fingers mid-air, looking at her in bemusement.

 

She stares back at him, confusion plastered all over her face.

 

That’s right. Yeong muses inwardly. She’s a girl. A woman. It isn’t right for me to do this kind of thing anymore.

 

He glimpses at her and notes the adorable look of concern marring her expression.

 

Ah. I really want to .

 

“Jeoha? Are you alright?”

 

Geunde…how should I punish her from now on, then? Especially since she dares to keep such a big secret from me.

 

“Jeoha.”

 

Yeong realizes that he has been spacing out and clears his throat. “Oh? Ani da. Go back to your work.”

 

Ra-on sends him a look that says she isn’t convinced but shrugs to herself and resumes her drawing. Yeong feels a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he watches her draw – the delicate movements of her hand as she pens each on a piece of paper, the way her eyes squint in concentration whenever she has to draw a particularly difficult movement, or the way her nostrils flare in attempt to fit a small character at the corner of the page – everything about her endears him so much at that moment and he thinks to himself how can he ever not noticed that she is a woman?

 

He had his speculations before but quickly overrode them with his reasoning, as the very idea of her being one is absolutely ridiculous. How can she be a woman and a eunuch at the same time? Although he did help her pass the second test, if she were a woman, she shouldn’t have passed the first test in the first place, where they had to…confirm whether or not she’s fit to become a eunuch.

 

It’s another thing to add to the list of things about her that he has yet to know – among other things like her name – and yet another thing to ask.

 

“Jeoha.”

 

Her voice causes him to stop his train of thought and turns to regard her.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Did you really create this dance by yourself?”

 

He nods. “That’s right.” He then stares at her suspiciously. “Why? You think I wasn’t capable of creating one?”

 

“It’s not that,” Ra-on sniffs defiantly, before smiling as she casts a wistful look at her drawing. “I was just wondering if the dancer at the time did this beautiful dance of yours a justice.”

 

His eyes soften at her words and he smiles along with her.

 

You did. It was the most beautiful dance I have ever seen in my life.

 

“What is the dance called?”

 

“Chunaengjeon^[1].”

 

“Chunaengjeon,” Ra-on repeats slowly. She then smiles. “Dance of the spring nightingale.”

 

Yeong closes his eyes and delves into the memory of that day – of the warm spring rain against his skin, the sound of his mother’s laughter and her beautiful smile, and of the happiness that he felt as they danced together, that sense of freedom and the feeling that he could take on the whole world if he wanted to. He has always thought of preserving the memory of that day into something tangible, and he did – through this dance, albeit it also ended up being used as a mean to provide distraction for Premier Kim. But all of this is only possible because of her, who has selflessly gone on stage and performed the dance despite the risk of exposing her identity.

 

She – who had looked at him that night with eyes full of sorrow and he has to wonder yet again what is it that has saddened her so.

 

“…Thank you.”

 

Ra-on looks up. “Ne?”

 

He rests his chin on one hand and watches her with a smile playing on his lips. “Ani da.”

 

Ra-on blinks at him, somewhat bewildered by his weird behaviour, but returns to her drawing and tries to focus on the task at hand. However, she starts to find it more difficult than she initially thought it would be, seeing as the crown prince is in the middle of boring his eyes through her face (is he trying to shoot arrows through my head? Ra-on cringes), and so, no longer able to pretend that she isn’t bothered by his stares, Ra-on clears . “Jeoha." She fidgets nervously. "Should I go back to the Repentance Hall after all?”

 

“Hm?” He mumbles absent-mindedly, lips stretching into a playful smirk as he looks at how her cheeks turn into a lovely shade of crimson. “Why?”

 

Why? Because you keep on staring at me, that’s why! I can’t concentrate and keep on making mistakes!  Ra-on wants to cry out. Instead, so troubled is she by her inner turmoil that she ends up blurting,  “Aish.”

 

“Mwo?” Yeong blinks owlishly and then scowls at her slip. “Aish? You—“ He stands up from his position and marches over to the girl who is currently staring at him in horror (she just realized her blatant disrespect at him, didn’t she? His mind snickers) and the girl immediately curls up into a ball, her hands covering her face. He stifles a snort at her posture – so reminiscent of a scared puppy – and grins cheekily as he slides down behind her, his front pressed against her tiny back.

 

Ra-on gasps in surprise and blinks her eyes open, craning her neck slightly when she senses a familiar warmth of a person enveloping her from behind, only to be greeted with a pair of twinkling brown eyes. She clears (again) and quickly turns to the front, stuttering, “J-Jeoha? W-What are you doing?”

 

“Aigoo, look at this mess, hm?” Yeong stretches one arm to snatch the paper from her and leans forward, his head coming to rest a slight inch above her shoulder, and his face a hair’s breadth away from her own. “And you said that you remember everything to the detail.”

 

“T-That’s because you—” Ra-on splutters indignantly, her heart taking on a rapid thrum due to their close proximity. “Jeoha!”

 

Yeong snuggles closer and places one hand on her arm. “Oho. Stay still. Unless you want me to punish you.”

 

His breath wisps the tips of her ear and Ra-on unwittingly feels all blood rushing to her cheeks. She ducks her head and darts her eyes around her lap, hands clenched tightly.

 

Yeong reins in the urge to chuckle at her bashfulness.

 

She’s such an enigma, an oddity that he can never comprehend. At times she would behave like an overly-excited puppy; talking back to him and scowling at him and marching over his defenses impetuously, but the moment he takes a step forward towards her, she would take a step backwards and wilt like a shy flower.

 

Then again, it is always so fun to see her reaction whenever he starts teasing her. Maybe he should withhold the truth of him knowing her secret for now.

 

She starts to squirm in his hold, when an idea suddenly comes to him.

 

Yeong hums loudly and moves his face closer. “Hmm, wait a minute…”

 

“Y-Ye?” Ra-on stiffens when she sees him leaning forward and clears for the nth time, unsure as to how she should react. “Is there something…?”

 

“Your face.”

 

She can feel sweat trickling down the back of her neck as she gulps. “My face…?”

 

Before she can finish her sentence, his hand has made a contact with her skin; the warmth emanating from the slender digits currently cupping her cold cheek causes her to flinch a little.

 

Ra-on can hear the ringing in her ears and for once, is not able to take her eyes away from his. She knows that look. It’s a look that’s similar to the one that he gave her not too long before he stole her first kiss. That look of fondness, so tender and heart-wrenchingly gentle mixed with longing, that makes her heart thump loudly against her ribcage and makes her forget how to breathe properly.

 

The look that makes her dream.

 

A look that makes her wish.

 

“Your pale skin…” He traces his thumb over her chin. “And red lips too…” His finger is about to trail towards her lips, but Ra-on, who is snapped out of her trance and has anticipated what his next action is going to be, quickly covers mouth with her hand. Yeong clicks his tongue in disapproval, but continues to analyze her face as if he is studying an important subject with no less fascination. “They are unfailingly those of a man…”

 

Ra-on freezes.

 

He grins knowingly when she tenses at the word. “Which of course, makes me fall even more in love with you.”

 

Ra-on forces out a laugh as she pulls away from him, slapping him on the arm. “Ey, Jeoha! You must be jesting!” She notices the ink coating her fingers and swiftly smears them across her cheeks, creating a black mess all over her face.

 

Ra-on grins cheekily inside. “What pale skin are you talking about, exactly?”

 

Yeong squints his eyes at her action and snorts at her pathetic attempt to prove the fact that she is a “man”. Does she really think smudging her face with ink will make him unsee what he's seen?

 

“What are you doing right now?” He looks at her with a sour expression. “Do you take me as a fool?”

 

“Ye?” Ra-on sweat-drops. Did she just anger him somehow? She scratches her neck and offers weakly. “A-Ani—“

 

He sighs. “Hong Sang-nom.”

 

She winces, tilting her face down and mumbles in a quiet voice. “Ye?”

 

“Come closer.”

 

“B-But—“

 

“Are you not going to listen to me?”

 

Ra-on lifts her head and reluctantly complies, hesitantly squiggling closer to where he is, but has to swallow a gasp of surprise when Yeong suddenly (impatiently) grabs at her wrist and pulls her closer. She ends up coming face-to-face with him, their noses almost touching.

 

“J-Jeoha?” She clears (why is it that she finds herself doing this a lot in front of him?) “What are you doing?”

 

“How many times have you asked me that today?” He chuckles, pinching her cheek slightly.

 

"Ah!" Ra-on scowls at the pain and gives him a stink eye.

 

He raises an eyebrow in amusement. “What does it look like I’m doing?” He wipes her cheek with the back of his hand gently, back and forth, until the taint on her face disappears. “I’m cleaning your face, you fool.”

 

Ra-on reddens and her heart starts to beat rapidly again at his affectionate gesture. She swallows nervously. “I…J-Jeoha, regardless of your feelings, I-I am still a man after all, and—“

 

“Oho.” He leans even closer and Ra On panics inside, closing her eyes in the process. Seeing her reaction, Yeong resists the urge to smirk and bobs his head nonchalantly. “Well, of course, since you keep on insisting about how manly of a man you are…” Ra-on takes a peek from one eye and gulps not-so-discreetly at the tone of his voice, somewhat apprehensive. “Maybe you should assist in helping me clean up.”

 

“Ye…” She squeaks out. But once his words registered into her mind, she raises her head and turns to look at him in shock, eyes as wide as saucers. “Ye?!”

 

Ra On yelps when he takes a hold of her wrist once more and flashes a challenging smirk at her. “It’s okay right? Since we’re both men?”

 

She stammers and avoids his imploring gaze, trying to take her hand back from his grip but fails miserably. She cries internally at her own foolishness.

 

Hong Ra-on! Did you just dig your own grave?

 

“Hmm, first of all, you can help me undress—“

 

“J-Jeoha!”

 

Yeong chuckles to himself, his heart squeezing at the sight of her red face, and can’t help but poke at her cheek as she continues to flail around him, flabbergasted. Ra-on, who realizes that the man is currently playing with her, huffs and grumbles incoherently as she looks down, all the while oblivious to the gentle smile curling on the corner of his lips.

 

Crown Prince Lee Yeong is not cruel, but he can certainly be mean.

 

Especially when it comes to teasing a certain eunuch of his.

 

And as he watches her, Yeong tucks this little observation to the back of his mind. It is a memory that he would come to visit later, every day before he goes to bed and each time after he wakes up:

 

The sight of her blushing, eyes averting right-left-right, a five-second pause as she finally looks at him in the eye, before stuttering ‘Jeoha!’ and ducking her head down again. But he catches that small smile at the end, when she thinks he isn’t looking – sweet, bashful, and beautiful – and Yeong—

 

Yeong thinks that he wants to protect that smile.

 

So he finds himself making another wish that one moonlit night – that the owner of that smile would be happy no matter what.

 

And hopefully (definitely) with him by her side.

 

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two: hidden behind the trickling tears

 

 

All beautiful things will lose their luster in time.

 

And when they do, they only serve to bring forth painful memories that scratch (and dig) way deeper than just the surface of his wounds.

 

His mother’s favourite pavilion – the very pavilion that Abamama built for her but has now been left unattended and decrepit, is an example.

 

Her old gayageum^[2] too, sitting all alone in the middle.

 

And the garden where she used to take him to play seems to be less beautiful than how it was years ago.

 

What’s the use of beautiful things if they will eventually fade away into nothing but pale shadows of what they used to be?

 

But he also knows of the beauty that resides within.

 

One that lingers in the memory forever.

 

Yeong-eun’s laugh before she lost her voice to fear. His father’s smile before he was haunted by his nightmares. Suk-ui’s warm hug as she took him in her arms and comforted him. His mother – a flickering-sometimes-painful memory that never fails to give him strength whenever he faces an adversary.

 

Her.

 

Even when she is garbed in that over-sized eunuch robe of hers – even moments before he caught her dressing up in that beautiful flower hanbok – he has always found her more beautiful than any other ladies he has ever seen, who don themselves with white powder and red lipstick and whispering giggles behind their hands.

 

Yeong thinks her beauty lies in her smiles – how she keeps on putting a cheerful front even when she’s suffering, even when he wants to shout at her and tells her to stop being a fool and come to him when she wants to cry. Her beauty lies in her compassion, in how she helps both of his sisters to overcome their fear, and guide them every step of the way without expecting anything in return. And her beauty comes in her selflessness, her devotion towards him, always placing him before everything – that a part of him, frustrated, also inadvertently feels like he is a useless man that isn’t able to do anything for her. He wants to spoil her, to treat her like the most precious woman in the world, but she wouldn’t let him.

 

“I can’t.”

 

Why?

 

“For being where I shouldn’t be, for doing something I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.”

 

What is she sorry for?

 

Where she shouldn’t be?

 

Isn’t her place right here with him?

 

“If you are with me, there won’t even be a minute of peace.”

 

Why can’t she understand that there won’t even by any peace if she’s not by his side?

 

“I know I shouldn’t be asking such a thing…but if you let me to exit the palace, I will live well, not forgetting your grace and kindness.”

 

Why is it that her first and last wish to ask of him, is to disappear from his sight?

 

Is that the fate of all beautiful things around him?

 

To leave him, as nothing but mere memories?

 

No.

 

He refuses to let her go.

 

He can’t.

 

He doesn’t want to.

 

Does that make him selfish? Irrational? A fool?

 

Perhaps so.

 

But aren’t all men who are in love a fool?

 

I like you—no, I love you.

 

So please.

 

Don’t leave me.

 

Stay by my side.

 

He has to let go of many other things already – and how much has he regretted over his uselessness over and over again, but this time, just this once, can’t he be given the chance to keep her? He will use all his strength to protect her. To make her happy. To set her free. And so he sends her a set of jeogori and chima – soft purple, a shade lighter than his own gonryongpo, because even though right now she can’t stand beside him in front of everyone as his woman, as the only owner of his heart – she is one in his mind and soul.

 

And he will be here watching from the side, waiting for her; waiting for that moment when she’s finally ready to open that door to her heart and to accept herself for who she is.

 

For her to live a life of her own.

 

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three: softly melting

 

 

“That’s why you should do it…like this!”

 

Twitch.

 

“E-Eh? But how can I do such a thing to gongju-mama—“

 

Twitch. Twitch.

 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, Nari. You’re too green! If you can’t even do this much—“

 

Twitch. Twitch. Twitch.

 

“H-H-Hong Sam-nom y-y-y-your l-l-l-l-lips…!”

 

Yeong finally can’t take it any longer and shoots his arrow to a nearby tree, causing Eunuch Jang and the rest of the court ladies to shriek in surprise. He sends a dark look (scathing, burning, withering) into the direction of the two people who seem to be unaware still of his escalating foul mood.

 

He scowls when he sees her reaching out her hand to touch the young scholar’s face and barks out impatiently.

 

“Hong Sam-nom, come here.”

 

Ra-on, who is in the middle of demonstrating to Young Master Jeong the way to woo the princess, pauses and sends Yeong a confused look. She seems to brighten up, thinking that he is just calling for her because he wants to greet her, before beaming at him and pointing at herself and the other man, gesturing to the prince to go on his way since she is busy.

 

Yeong blinks at her dismissal and scowls deeper.

 

“Hong Sam-nom. Come here.”

 

Ra-on pauses again, this time accidentally resting her fingers on Young Master Jeong’s hands, and Yeong, who notices this particular action, splutters in displeasure and struts over to where the two are. He stands imposingly in front of the eunuch and the scholar, giving the latter of the two a chilling glare that causes him to break down into an unstoppable fit of stutters.

 

“J-J-J-Jeoha…p-p-p-pl-please pard-d-on my ru-rudene-ness…I d-d-did not k-k-k-know that you had a b-b-b-b-business w-w-w-w-w-w-ith Eunuch H-H—“

 

“That’s enough.” Yeong cuts the other man off, giving him a turn of his head, motioning for him to leave.

 

Young Master Jeong bows before casting a worried glance at Ra-on, who smiles back at him and mouths ‘It’s okay, I’ll be fine’ and the scholar sighs in relief, hurriedly scampering over to safety when he can feel the crown prince’s death glare on his back.

 

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine?”

 

Ra-on turns towards Yeong and smiles at him shyly, not noticing the irritation colouring his voice.

 

“Jeoha. You’re here.”

 

“What makes you think you will be fine, Ra-on-ah?”

 

Ra-on pauses and reddens as usual at the mention of her real name, before clearing and leaning in closer to whisper at him, half-pleased and half-frantic, “Jeoha! I thought you will refrain yourself from saying that name when there are other people around—“

 

Yeong purses his lips before taking a hold of her hand and guides her to a secluded corner, shaking his head at Eunuch Jang when he is about to follow the two of them. The older eunuch nods hesitantly and motions to the court ladies to wait in their spot.

 

Once the two of them are out of sight, Yeong releases her hand and asks stiffly. “What were you doing with him just now?”

 

Ra-on blinks, looking up at him. “Eh? Him? You mean Young Master Jeong?” She smiles and starts to chuckle. “Well, see, I was helping him—“

 

She stops herself before she can finish her sentence and cringes, taking a glimpse at the currently frowning crown prince and berates herself inwardly. She completely forgot that she is supposed to be keeping the fact about her knowing Young Master Jeong beforehand as a secret. And she can just imagine how the prince would have reacted if he ever found out that Young Master Jeong is the real person who has been courting Princess Myeong-eun all along. How is she supposed to lie her way out of this now?

 

“Helping him?”

 

“Um, ha…ha…” Ra-on laughs weakly, fiddling with her thumb. “Um, he looked somewhat unwell so I was asking him if he needed any help—“

 

Yeong snorts. “And you need to hold his hands in order to do that?”

 

“That is…that…” She swallows the lump in (why is it so hard for her to lie in front of him?) and says a tad too defensively, “Well, he did look really, really sick. Really! I – I think he was about to faint even, so I was holding him just in case he suddenly…” She wracked her brain for a word. “…Collapsed?”

 

Yeong continues to look at her, completely unconvinced.

 

Ra-on fidgets in her place. She cries inwardly. Oh no, he knows about the lie, doesn’t he? Ugh, Hong Ra-on, why can’t you come up with a better explanation? Fainting? Really? Ugh, stupid, stupid—

 

“…other men.”

 

Ra-on pauses in the middle of her inner rant and blinks. “Eh?” Did he just say something?

 

Yeong clears his throat and scowls before turning his back against her, mumbling out lowly. “I don’t give you the permission to touch other men.”

 

Ra-on blinks again. “Ye?”

 

“That’s why, I said it before, didn’t I?” Yeong whirls around and stalks towards her, the scowl still plastered impressively across his face. “Don’t show your smile to other people so easily. Don’t just let anybody touch you—ani da, never let anybody touch you like that again.”

 

Ra-on snorts uncouthly. “Jeoha—“

 

“It’s an order.”

 

She frowns. “But—“

 

Yeong nods to himself. “Right. And didn’t I tell you to hold back your laughter when you’re with other people?”

 

Ra-on exhales loudly. “Jeoha—“

 

“That too is an order.”

 

Ra-on harrumphs. “I don’t want to.”

 

“You will—what—“ Yeong blinks, mouth slightly ajar at her impertinence. “You don’t—you don’t want to? Again?”

 

The girl grins cheekily. “Ye. I said it to you before, didn’t I? I. Don’t. Want. To.” She pouts and looks down at her feet as she mumbles. “Besides, how am I supposed to not touch other people when it’s required in my job to touch people?”

 

“Oho. Touch people?” Yeong glowers. “What is this about touching people? I won’t allow it!”

 

Ra-on coughs. “Jeoha. That person I’m talking about is you. You. I help you dress up daily as my part of my job, don’t I?” She bobs her head and makes a gesture with her hands, trying to convince Yeong to drop his ridiculous order. “If I were to follow your words and not touch anybody, I won’t be able to do my job properly, now will I?”

 

Yeong snorts. “Babo. I’m talking about other people except for me.”

 

Ra-on gapes. “Ye?” What kind of nonsense is he spouting now?

 

“So you get it now?” Yeong leans down to her level and grins. “Good.”

 

Ra-on closes and cries out, “But that’s impossible!”

 

“Why is it impossible?” Yeong asks indignantly.

 

“W-Well…I can’t just not touch anybody or smile at anybody or hold my laughter.” She mutters slightly dismayed. “Don’t you know that some people actually die from holding back their laughter? Your Highness might not know since you’ve always been in the palace, but I’ve traveled a lot and has learned from the people that I’ve met about the danger of holding one’s laughter! Do you wish for me to die, Jeoha?”

 

Yeong sighs. “That’s why you should only laugh in front of me. Then you can laugh all you want without any restraint.”

 

“That’s impossible!” She shakes her head vehemently. “Don’t you know that Do-gi and Sung-yeol are extremely funny? Kim-hyung too—all of them make me laugh a lot! I can’t pretend that they are not funny!”

 

“W-What—are you saying that I am not funny?” He scowls. “That Byung-yeon is funnier than I am? He is practically a statue!”

 

Ra-on sniffs. “Well, I think he is funny.”

 

Yeong hisses in challenge. “Oho. Are you being disloyal, right now?”

 

Ra-on nods confidently. “Ye.”

 

Yeong clicks his tongue and folds both of his arms across his front, leaning down to whisper beside her hear. “Seolma…you…” He squints his eyes at her. “Are you waiting for me to punish you?”

 

Ra-on blinks. “Ye?”

 

Yeong grins and moves closer towards her cheek, and Ra-on widens her eyes, realizing what his words actually mean, and immediately yelps as she jumps backwards, her hands cradling both of her cheeks.

 

“Jeoha!”

 

“Che. So it’s not that.”

 

Ra-on stammers. “J-Jeoha, why are you being like this—!” Then as if hit by a lightning, her expression suddenly morphs from a frightened puppy into a cheeky one – the same kind of face that she wears whenever she successfully solves her client’s love problems.

 

“Ah…I see.”

 

Yeong looks at her with no little apprehension. “…What did you see?”

 

“Jeoha, you…”

 

Yeong gulps.

 

“You’re jealous aren’t you!”

 

The prince splutters and coughs a few times, taken aback by her brazen conclusion as he points at her. “Oho! You—I let you off a few times in the past because I thought you were cute. But now you’re out of line—“

 

Ra-on snickers. “Ye, ye, I am so scared—oomph!”

 

Yeong suddenly circles his fingers around her wrist and tugs her closer, her face colliding with his chest, and both of his arms wrapped tightly around her tiny form. Ra-on feels the all-too-familiar warmth spreading across her cheeks and tries to pull away, but Yeong only grins wider and tightens his hold on her. She can feel the thumping of two heartbeats—hers and his—and unwittingly feels her lips tugging into a small smile. Burying her face into his front, Ra-on lifts her hands from her sides and grips at his robe, closing her eyes and allowing herself to enjoy this rare moment of happiness.

 

Yeong looks down at the small woman in his embrace and smiles as he pulls away slightly.

 

“Hong Ra-on.”

 

She giggles. “Ye, Jeoha?”

 

“Ra-on-ah.”

 

Thump. Thump. Thump. “Ye.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

She blinks. “Eh?”

 

Yeong chuckles at her confused look and pulls her close again, sighing in contentment as he looks at the blue sky above them.

 

Thank you for coming to my life.

 

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four: my heart is melting

 

 

“Where’s Byung-yeon?”

 

Ra-on stretches her arms over her head as she sits on the wooden floor and cranes her neck to look at him. “Kim-hyung? He hasn’t been coming in these past few days.”

 

Yeong frowns at that, and while he trusts his best friend completely, there’s a part of him that is saddened by the fact that his friend is keeping something from him. But Yeong is willing to wait, and he believes whatever it is that Byung-yeon is hiding from him, his friend would come to tell him about it someday.

 

He shifts his gaze at Ra-on, who is now in the middle of making her bed and catches his eyes, smiling at him shyly. He smiles back at her, his chest bursting with an unfamiliar but not unwelcomed warmth and before he even realizes it himself, he has walked over to where she is and seats himself beside her.

 

“Jeoha. I’m alright now. You can go back and rest. Tomorrow will be a long day for you, right?”

 

He jokingly narrows his eyes at her. “What? You want me to go away that much?”

 

Ra-on blushes, stuttering as she grips at her own robe. “A-Ani. Of course I’m happy to spend time with you. But you will be meeting with His Majesty in the morning and I—“

 

He grins at her admission. “Hmm. So you’re happy to be with me?”

 

“Yes—ah.” Ra-on pouts. “Jeoha.”

 

Yeong chuckles. “Alright, I will stop teasing you now.” He then hums out loud and pretends to yawn, plopping himself on the floor and dropping his head playfully on her lap. Ra-on blinks down at him and he quirks an amused smile when he sees her face turning into that adorable crimson again. “You blush too easily for a man.”

 

Ra-on glowers. “Jeoha.”

 

“Alright, alright, this time, I’m really going to stop.” He sighs and reaches for her hand, tangling their fingers together, and Yeong marvels at how perfect it feels to have their hands joined together like this. As though it is fate. As though it’s meant to be. He guides her hand to rest on his forehead and closes his eyes, mumbling with the smile still playing on his lips. “Let me just rest for a while.”

 

“Would you like me to tell you another story, Jeoha?” Her voice asks softly from above.

 

“Hmm, geurae. Let’s hear it.”

 

Ra-on bites on her lips to prevent herself from smiling like a fool, and clears a few times before starting, “Once upon a time, in a far, far away land, there lived a man and a woman, who met each other and fell in love. One night, the man told the woman that he was about to be sent to fight in the war. He asked her to separate from him, because he didn’t want her to keep waiting for him. But the woman refused and instead asked him to marry her. The man was touched by her sincerity and they married the next day.”

 

“She’s a foolish woman, then. She shouldn’t have waited for him. There’s no guarantee that he will survive through the war.” Yeong mutters sleepily, tightening his grip on her hand. Ra-on chuckles and shakes her head, gripping his hand back.

 

“You’re right. She shouldn’t. But it can’t be helped, can it? She loves him too much to even consider the idea of separating from him.”

 

“And so?” Yeong opens his eyes. “What happened to the two of them?”

 

 Ra-on continues in a soft voice. “The two lovers separated because of the war for many long years. One day, it was almost the end of the war and their country was winning. The woman decided to send her lover a letter accompanied with a white egret orchid^[3]. But before he could even read her letter, their base camp was ambushed by the enemy and he was killed.”

 

She sighs wistfully. “And that’s why it is said that giving someone that particular flower is a sign that the receiver would not be returning to the place – to the person – where they got it from…”

 

Ra-on feels a sharp pang in her heart and thinks back to that particular memory – when she woke up in the middle of the night looking for her mother, only to see her crying and clutching at her chest as if she was in so much pain. Ra-on had never seen her mother cried before. She was a strong woman, always so firm, always so dependable, that the sight of her crying had had the old her crying as well. She also remembered her mother muttering about how she shouldn’t have sewed the orchid onto the handkerchief, and about that person never coming back. Little Ra-on had no idea was her mother was talking about, but now, Ra-on knows that her mother had perhaps been talking about her father.

 

The father she never meets.

 

The man whose face she doesn’t even know.

 

The one who always causes her mother to become unhappy.

 

But Ra-on doesn’t blame him.

 

Because her mother loves him.

 

So she decides to forgive and love him too.

 

What’s the point in hating someone you don’t even know?

 

And her mother – she had always believed in her father.

 

Ra-on swallows the lump in and shakes her head; voice a tad shaky as she continues her story. “But the lady doesn’t regret loving the man, because…” She bites her lips, smiling sadly. “Because isn’t that the reason why we live? To love…and love deeply.”

 

She looks down only to see that Yeong has fallen asleep, his features looking completely at peace and Ra-on wishes he can always look this way instead of plastering that poker face all the time. How tired it must have been for him to keep this mask on all the time? How lonely it must have been for him to live in the palace with so few people to trust? Ra-on knows she isn’t particularly smart or talented or powerful, but she wishes she could be someone whom His Highness can come to and rest whenever he wants to. Someone whom he can share his burden and pain with.

 

His home.

 

His haven.

 

She stares at him fondly, before deciding that him sleeping on her lap wouldn’t be too comfortable for long and carefully moves his head to the pillow. She walks to her bed and takes the white sheet to cover the rest of his body, giggling silently when she sees that he starts frowning in his sleep. She leans with her arm on one-side, moving closer so that she can analyze his face more closely, and sighs.

 

Jeoha.

 

She reaches out her hand slowly, and traces his forehead with her finger.

 

Do you really love me?

 

She feels the corner of her lips tugging into another small smile as she marvels at his long lashes – maybe he got it from the late Queen? – and his cheek with the back of her hand, sighing to herself.

 

Are you really mine, Jeoha?

 

The image of Lady Jo and His Highness in the garden comes to her mind and Ra-on feels the familiar clenching of her heart. She knows that. She knows she’s not worthy. Ra-on knows her own place. His Highness deserves someone better – someone more normal, more beautiful, more suitable – and definitely not someone who can't even come out to the whole world and announces that she is a woman. She doesn't even know exactly how to live as one. After all, she's been living her life as a man. If she can't even live as a woman, how can she possibly love him as one? But the matter of the heart is always separate from the mind, and Ra-on knows she can no longer deny her feelings for him. So just this once. Just for a while. She is allowed to dream, just this once, right?

 

Slowly, she leans down and closes her eyes, before pressing her lips to the corner of his mouth, her mind whirling and heart beating: I love you, I love you, I love you.

 

Those words she can’t say.

 

Those words she wants to say.

 

She chuckles dolefully.

 

How can someone so beautiful and as high as the heavens become mine?

 

Ra-on flutters her eyes open, casting one last, lingering look at Yeong’s face, before her eyes widen and she just realizes what she has done. She immediately scrambles to a sitting position, her body tense and back upright, and clears in embarrassment, heart thumping loudly against her ribcage. Her gaze lands on his face once more and she releases a relieved breath when she sees that he is still sleeping and is unaware of the brazen act that she has just…just done to him.

 

Ra-on rises from her seat, about to make her quiet escape to the corner of the room, when in the midst of her hurry, she forgets about the sheet under her feet, causing her to slip and topple forward. Fortunately, Ra-on manages to hold herself back from completely landing face-flat on the floor without making too much sound, but her samo^[4] has sadly been thrown half across from where she is right now, right beside Yeong’s sleeping figure.

 

She curses at her own clumsiness, eyeing the object with dismay, and silently walks on her toes to retrieve the black hat. But just as she is leaning down to grab onto the hat, a hand suddenly comes to rest at her arm and pulls her forward, causing her to shriek and fall unceremoniously on top of the perpetrator.

 

Ra-on gulps nervously and lifts her head little by little, immediately ducking her head down again when she catches the twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

 

Yeong is not letting her escape, however, and grabs her chin gently, pulling her closer – so close that their faces are only an inch apart from each other and Ra-on can feel his breath across her cheek.

 

“What were you doing,” He whispers lowly. “Ra-on-ah?”

 

She can feel butterflies fluttering in her stomach whenever he calls her by her name and feels that rapid beating of her heart returning tenfold. However, what he does next is something that she completely doesn’t expect, as Yeong trails his fingers upward and tugs at the knot of the manggeon^[5] that is holding her hair together, undoing them. Her tresses tumble down her back like a black curtain around them, and Ra-on freezes in his embrace, her gaze remains rooted to his face, which is illuminated by the flickering of the candle beside them.

 

“Hmmm,” Ra-on flinches somewhat when Yeong slowly threads his fingers through her locks, smiling lightly. “So this is what you look like with your hair down.”

 

“J-Jeoha…”

 

He revels in the softness of her hair under his fingertips, before bringing a lock to his lips, pressing them in a chaste kiss. “Ra-on-ah…”

 

Ra-on grabs his hand and pulls away from him, her face turned sideways that he can’t quite see her expression.

 

Yeong frowns and begins to hold himself up properly so that he can reach out to her. “Ra-on-ah—“

 

“Jeoha…” Ra-on bites on her trembling lips, darting her eyes down. “Please don’t be too kind to me.”

 

The frown on his face is etched deeper and he gently cradles her face into his hands, lifting her head so that she can look into his eyes. “Why?”

 

She still refuses to meet his gaze and mutters quietly. “I can’t tell you why. You’ll be angry with me.”

 

Yeong sighs. “I told you didn’t I? That I want to try this wicked love with you…” He then her cheek softly with his thumb, eyes boring through her own, unblinking. “Wicked or not, my feelings for you are real. My love for you is real. I…”

 

Her breath hitches. “Jeoha?”

 

His grip on her arm tightens somewhat, and Ra-on wonders why his eyes look especially sad at that moment. “I will not allow it…”

 

I won’t let you disappear like sea foam, out of my sight forever where I can no longer reach you, so please…

 

“I love you.”

 

The moonlight pours in through the gaps between the bars on the window and Ra-on can see the desperation and longing in his expression even more clearly. Something about him seems so vulnerable at the moment, and it tugs at her heartstrings even more, because someone so powerful – someone like him, how can someone like that show his weakness to her? Is she truly deserving of his affection?

 

“Please stay by my side…”

 

Ra-on closes her eyes and breathes shakily. She wants to. How badly she wants to just accept his love and falls into his arms. But she knows that whatever it is that they have right now, it won’t last. This moment of happiness – so very fleeting and much like a dream – will have to end one day.

 

Don’t let me waver…showing me that kind of expression, I don’t want to be blown down – this fortress around my heart that I’ve built. If I must choose the right path, where no one gets hurt, then one day…I will have to part from you.

 

“…Ra-on-ah.”

 

But isn’t that all the more reason as to why she should cherish these moments with him? At least she can let him go, knowing that she is doing the right thing. Ra-on knows that he will become a great king in the future. He can’t sacrifice his whole future just for her sake. She won’t allow him to do such a foolish thing.

 

However, for now…

 

For now, she will love him to her utmost content.

 

Love him with everything that she has.

 

And then live with the memory of his love.

 

Their love.

 

Ra-on smiles. “Ye, Jeoha. I will stay by your side.”

 

He looks at her for a long, hard moment, before leaning down and pressing his face into her shoulder. She circles her arms around him, holding him tight, and looks outside into the dark night.

 

I will stay by your side…for as long as I’m allowed to.

 

And then one day…

 

She stares at the silver orb hanging proudly amongst other countless twinkling stars, and wonders if the moon goddess is watching them from the above. 

 

I will have to let you go.

 

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tbc.

 

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A/N: Hmm. This story isn’t meant to be sad, mind you. But I guess this is what happens after I see that heart-breaking preview of episode 11. Sigh. And my writing skill is so rusty right now because I haven’t been writing in a long time, but I hope it’s not too atrocious. *cringes*

Anyways, thank you for reading (and to my other readers: I’m so sorry for not updating my other stories in ages. I will try to one day. I just don’t have the motivation atm.)

We rarely get to see Ra-on’s POV and I know she’s supposed to be cheerful and all that but I ended up writing her as somewhat very selfless/melancholic. Well, this is also because I’ve read short summaries of the web novel and after looking at the illustrations – this is the impression that I got. Eh. I hope I don’t make her too OOC.

Ugh. I wish everyday is Mo(o)nday. Sigh. I don’t know what I’ll do with my life once this drama ends. It’s like DotS withdrawal all over again. :/

Love,

thesecretgarden.

 

Timeline of the story:

Part 1 – beginning of ep 8 (after the kiss in the garden but before Yeong’s revelation that he knows of her true gender at the end of ep 8)

Part 2 – somewhere in ep 9

Part 3 – ep 10 (after Yeong kisses her on the cheek)

Part 4 – ep 10 (what happens after the piggy-back ride)

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Glossary

[1] Chunaengjeon: literally meaning ‘Dance of the Nightingale’ is an original dance created by Crown Prince Hyomyeong and is the most well-known and most beloved traditional court dance known for its gentle and poetic movements (source: Wikipedia)

[2] Gayageum: a traditional Korean zither-like string instrument, with 12 strings

[3] White egret orchid: the flower sewn onto the handkerchief of the Chief Eunuch; it actually originates from Japan and it’s a flower with such a sad story behind it (people say giving White Egret to someone is a sign that the receiver would not be returning to the place s/he got it from)

[4] Samo: hats worn by government officials. The presence/absence of flaps depends on the rank of the person ie. For eunuchs -> no flaps

[5] Manggeon: a headband worn by men on their foreheads to keep their hair in place