November : Losing You
September Until December
- Jonghyun's POV -
I look at my wristwatch and heave a sigh, realizing that I've been waiting here alone for an hour already. I start to worry about her so I quickly dial the number to call Yoseob.
"Yoseob, where are you?" I murmur to myself, trying to keep calm. I tuck my hands inside my pockets, waiting for him to pick the phone.
He doesn't pick up the call but seconds later I see him walking to my stand with Kirin next to him. A smile blossoms on her face as she fastens her pace to me, "Oppa!"
I sigh in relief and walk to her, patting her head gently before kiss her forehead, "I was worried. Where were you? It's unusual for you to come late."
She lifts up the cake box to me and smiles sheepishly, "Mianhae, Oppa, but I made this cake at the last minute. I don't want to come empty-handed."
I take it and open the box to find a black forest cake, my favorite cake, inside of it. I can't help myself to smile and embrace her hand, "Thank you. You know it's enough for me to have you here."
She lets me hug her as she murmurs happily, "Happy one month anniversary, Jonghyun Oppa..."
My eyes meet with Yoseob's. I can see his hurting eyes but yet he forces a smile. My heart aches, knowing that I'm hurting his heart when I don't want to.
Yoseob is not my best friend but, as a man, I can understand his feeling. How does it feel when you love someone but you must see the person to be with someone else right in front of your eyes?
Hurt. Heart breaking.
But I guess I will do the same if I'm on his position, knowing that the girl in my hug only has around a month to live, having a thought that love is the only thing I can give to her even if I can't love her.
That's what Yoseob is trying to do.
A month ago I asked Kirin to be my girlfriend. I remember she shed happy tears as she accepted my confession. She said that she couldn't believe that I loved her back.
I must force a smile whenever she tells me that she loves me because I don't love her the way she loves me. I love her as my little sister but that's all I can give to her.
At least that's what I thought until Yoseob appeared and told me about the truth why he helped Kirin to get a temporary job, why Kirin sometimes looked really pale, why he really cared about her, and why he helped Kirin to get close to me.
"Kirin suffers leukemia. She only has two months left to live."
Yoseob told me that she suffers a very rare and aggressive leukemia which is really difficuly to treat; the median survival is measured in months.
She found out about the truth around six months ago and her parents had tried to do anything yet it's too late to treat her illness. The highest possibility for her to survive is only until the New Year.
Her parents insisted that she must stayed at hospital until the accident which caused her father and brother death occured. She begged her mother to let her go to Seoul to meet Yoseob, her brother's best friend.
She only has one wish before she leaves the world.
She wants to find someone she loves and cherishes him with all her heart, with all her life span.
Kirin fell for me because, she said, I treat her really gentle and loving that she wants to make me happy. She loves it the most when I smile and she doesn't want to see my sad expression.
Her love for me is sincere.
I am a really honest person so I don't want to lie or trick someone but I guess this is indeed a special case.
She doesn't even mention about her illness to me so I try my best to bring up the topic. I want to ask her actually when she will tell me because it's going to be really hurt if she leaves me one day without me knowing everything.
"It's really cold," I caress her cheek while she looks me with loving eyes. "Let's go somewhere warm, Kirin."
"I'm going then," Yoseob excuses himself but Kirin stops him by holding his wrist tight.
"Go with us," Kirin mutters with excitement. "There is a place I want to go with you two."
Can't I see that bright smile anymore in the future?
Why can't I love her? Why doesn't she love Yoseob instead of me?
I'm not going to lose her as my love but she is going to live in the sweet lie for the rest of her short life.
Is this what I want her to believe?
- Yoseob's POV -
Kirin cuts the cake for Jonghyun and me but she doesn't take a piece for her; she doesn't eat sweets. In fact she doesn't eat a lot of things lately because she lost her appetite.
She lost her weight unintentionally because of it. Headache occurs more often because her illness leads to anemia. Lately I even stop her from working because she feels fatigued easily.
At night she will have fever so I always make sure she returns home earlier than usual before nausea attacks her.
The last time I accompanied her to the hospital with her mother, if she doesn't take care of herself better by staying in hospital, even fever can kill her due to life-threatening pneumonia.
"I'm really grateful," she suddenly says and holds Jonghyun's hand, "that I can celebrate my one month anniversary with Jonghyun Oppa."
My heart is bleeding as I hear her happy statement. I am indeed grateful by the fact that Jonghyun agreed to be her boyfriend so she can live the rest of her life with love.
However I must endure how hurt my heart is broking into pieces when I see them together. Telling Kirin about the truth is just going to make her confused so I stayed silence, letting her to cherish her beautiful days with Jonghyun.
There are times where Jonghyun insisted that I must tell Kirin the truth but since I didn't want to see her sad, I begged Jonghyun to pretend that he loved her back.
"You're going to regret everything when she's gone."
Jonghyun's words echo in my mind but I shove it away when Kirin mutters with a weak but happy smile, "This is a new cafe where the guest can sing on the stage. I want to try!"
There are a lot of things Kirin want to try, she said. She wants to play online games, she wants to try bungee jumping, she wants to go to Seoul Tower, she wants to walk around Han River, she wants to see the first snowfall, she wants to see the fireworks on New Year's Eve.
But she knows she can't do everything.
Her time is limited.
"Jonghyun Oppa knows that I'm going to die soon, right?" she suddenly speaks out, making my heart to skip a beat. Jonghyun's eyes widen in surprise as well; we don't expect her to know.
"Thank you," she smiles to Jonghyun. "Thank you for trying to love me. I know you're a really good person since the first time we met but I hope your smile for me is not just because of pity."
Jonghyun glances at me but I'm too shocked to say a word. Kirin looks at me and then says, "I know you asked him to do this. I heard your conversation before Jonghyun Oppa confessed to me. Thank you for asking him to love me, Yoseob."
"I know I'm really selfish," she looks out through the window, having a sad smile. "Sometimes I think whether I should stay in loneliness or not. The happier memory I create, the more difficult it is for me to let go."
For the first time after I met her, a tear rolls down on her pale cheek. She wipes it away and mutters, "But if I stay alone, will you two remember me? What will I leave when I'm gone?"
"Kirin, I-" Jonghyun wants to apologize but Kirin shakes her head slowly, smiling to both of us.
"I just want to be someone you will miss one day," she stands up from her seat. "I hope today will be a memorable day, ne?"
Before we can stop her, she has asked the MC to let her sing. She even takes a guitar with her, flashing a wide smile to us. I know she can play a guitar because her brother taught her.
"This is a song I learned the last two months," Kirin talks to the audience, standing behind the microphone with a guitar. "I want to dedicate this song for two important persons in my life who are here with me today."
She starts to play the guitar slowly, letting us to hear her voice.
"I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?"
"She knew it all along, didn't she?" Jonghyun murmurs, not moving his gaze on Kirin. "Who are we trying to fool actually?"
"So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest"
"She is hurting because of me, isn't she?" I sigh, feeling like a complete idiot. I should have predicted that she would find out about the plan someday. "I ruined everything."
"Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shed but I'm me
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you"
"I don't think so," Jonghyun answers me calmly. "If she thinks like that, she won't accept my confession at the first place. After all, she thanked you, didn't she?"
"So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest"
I take a deep breath because tears are threatening to fall.
"I can't love her more than a little sister, Yoseob," Jonghyun tells me his thought honestly. "Tell her, Yoseob. Tell her that you love her."
"Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are"
"I know it will be hurt when her time comes but...," Jonghyun turns to me while Kirin continues singing, "...do you want to let her go just like this?"
I clench my fists, feeling my chest just being stabbed by an imaginary knife.
What will a month give to me? Why would I love someone just for a month? So I can let her go one day?
Why would I love when I know she is going to be far away from me?
Why would I love when I know she can't stay with me?
"Kirin!" Jonghyun shouts in surprise when Kirin stops her singing abruptly and falls to the floor. Both of us rush to her side to find that her nose is bleeding.
"Call the ambulance!" I quickly yell to the waitress who quickly obeys and grabs the phone to call the hospital.
I hold her cold hand and put it near my lips, "No, Kirin... You still have time..."
Looking at her now, I finally realize.
I don't want to lose her like this.
I want her to know that I love her.
Even if it's just for a moment.
__________
Author's Note:
The song title is "Leave Out All The Rest";
it is sung by Linkin Park. :)
I'm using the reference of Kirin's illness as T-cell prolymphocytic leukemia (T-PLL).
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