Youngbae crying was a rare thing. He was honed and made strong by the industry he thrived in. He knew how to make good life decisions and avoid bad ones. He was just the type of person who saw tears as pointless, that there were just other means to show one's feelings.

Crying was more of Seungri's thing. Seungri was the emotional one.

So when the sudden surge of emotions flushed all thoughout Youngbae, no one could blame him when his tears wouldn't stop falling.

No one can blame Seungri either when he found Youngbae, knees up to his chest in front of his open closet, the drawer pulled out, sniffing and hiccuping, just outright bawling, and Seungri was utterly confused. The younger walked in carefully, shutting the door as gently as he could. 

"Hyung?" he called warily.

"Seungri," Youngbae wailed. "You're such a dramatic er you made me cry."

It was ridiculous, really, that Youngbae was crying like a baby while it was Seungri who was as as the day he was born. Well, almost. He had a towel wrapped around his waist that reminded Youngbae that their baby grew up at some point.

Somehow, the sight of Seungri made more tears fall from Youngbae's eyes.

"Hyung, stop crying," said Seungri. "I need to get dressed."

Normally, Seungri wouldn't get flustered whenever someone cried in front of him. He was a reliable shoulder to cry on. He rarely told people to stop crying, not that he thought little of whatever his hyung was crying about, but his initial strategy - which was to hold the person close and let them lean on  him - wasn't going to work, not until he at least had a pair of decent shorts on.

"Ri-ah," Youngbae cried. "Ri-ah." He opened his arms wide, beckoning the boy closer.

Perhaps, Seungri shouldn't have, but because he was lost as to what to do, he did. He crouched next to his hyung, folding his knees under him, tentatively patting Youngbae on the back.

Youngbae lunged forward, trapping Seungri underneath his body and trembling against his chest.

Seungri squeeled out a protest. "Yah! Hyung! Get up, get up!"

Youngbae heeded not. "Seungri-ah! I've been a bad hyung, o? I should have known better. I should have taken care of you more."

Seungri felt the tears fall on his chest. With all his might, he lifted Youngbae by the hips, but it seemed like the other was persistent on crying his heart out to Seungri - on Seungri.

Now, generally speaking, Seungri had no qualms about that, none whatsoever, but he was still 100% attracted to men and never denied being attracted to Youngbae.

Seungri was gay, long since gotten over the fact and accepted himself for who he was. It was easy to hide, being naturally close to women and he didn't act very feminine at all. Just admitting to himself that he was attracted to his hyung (or hyungs because face it, BigBang didn't have an international web of fangirls for nothing) was just easier on his part. Necessary, even, so that he could deal with everything.

So, he never said that he wasn't attracted to Youngbae and there he was, on top of him, being all sweet and adorable, crying because he thought he didn't care enough when the younger thought the opposite, all the while what Seungri only had on was a ing white towel.

Seungri, with his sassy, short-circuiting mind, reminded himself that he may have been all about trying to move on, but moving on to a straight man who had a nice girlfriend was a terribly, horribly, astoundingly bad move.

Youngbae looked straight into his eyes, and a tear fell on Seungri's cheek. "You're so beautiful, Ri. Inside and out. You don't deserve any of this-"

And , . Youngbae has to stand before-

Seungri's mother opened the door.

Youngbae's Korean-American neighbor brought out a freshly baked cake from the oven and wondered when Ray and Seunghyun would come back from their trip. Ray accompanied Seunghyun for a visit to his family and she was so touched about it, she decided to bake him something more than just cookies. The boy deserved it for being so caring about his wife.

She giggled. She could see Seunghyun rolling his eyes at her and asking why he has to be the wife.

It was so obvious that he was, though. He was too pretty otherwise.

On second thought, maybe she'd invite them over for dinner, instead. They are such lovely boys and they deserve all the love they can get.

She levelled the cake.

"Lee Hanna, stop laughing. You're going to wake up the neighbors," her father scolded, fanning his unconscious wife on the living room couch.

"Appa," she said, not caring one bit about the neighbors, "I'm pretty sure mom and these two idiots woke them all up with their gut-wrenching screams."

Seungri and Youngbae stood in front of the television, hands and feet together, head down. Shame on both of their faces, tear-streaked in the older's case. They didn't mean to make Seungri's mother pass out, but maybe finding her son practically lying beneath the other, with his hands on the other's hips did that to a poor mother's heart. 

Lee Hanna was nothing but amused.

"Oh God, this is golden!" she guffawed. 

Youngbae couldn't even look at Seungri without blushing and turning into a stuttering mess. When his mother fell to the floor, Seungri had panicked. Without realizing his towel got snagged by Youngbae's knee, the younger rushed over to his mom, flashing Youngbae with everything he's got.

Youngbae screamed.

Seungri screamed.

Mr. Lee rushed over. And then he screamed.

Hanna laughed.

There was a rush and a lot of running to places and grabbing things and putting them on and carrying people to couches in the living room and someone yelling "Both of you! Living room! Now!" and rolling on the floor, laughing. 

And so, there they were: in the living room, like two teenagers who couldn't keep their hormones in check. 

It was all Youngbae's fault.

Mr. Lee sighed. "Look, Seunghyun, we love you. And we're happy as long as you're happy, but please be considerate and at least lock your door-"

"Oh god, oh god," Hanna interjected, holding her stomach, her cheeks burning from too much laughter. "Appa, stop! You're making it worse. Look at them, they look like tomatoes!"

Seungri's father sighed. He gently laid his wife down and pointed at Youngbae. "You," he said, sounding menacing as he walked towards the kitchen. "Come with me."

Youngbae thought this was one of the most terrifying moments in his life. Youngbae was a confident man. There were perks to having a God-fearing reputation and no scandal under his belt. He has not yet met a parent who didn't like him.

But he also hasn't met a parent who caught him hovering over his son. 

Figure that out.

Youngbae's legs failed to move. He looked to Seungri whose his eyes were narrowed in caution. Youngbae's were probably wide with fear. 

"Now, Youngbae," Mr. Lee boomed from the kitchen, following it with a "Seunghyun, take your mother to our room!"

The boys scrambled in haste.

Even as a teenager who had hormones and urges and impulses to do no good and just have fun, Youngbae was the type of person who rarely got into trouble. In general, he thought, there are only two types of people who didn't get into trouble: those who didn't get caught, and those who didn't actually cause trouble. He liked to think that he was part of the latter category.

He was good. He liked being good. He strived to be good. His biggest flaw would have to be being too proud that he was good. That was just who Youngbae was - that despite his tendency to bully his adorable dongsaengs and his bingu hyung, he was still good. Probably the best in the group, in his humble opinion, because he didn't need to be paired to be good enough for the ladies.

He was the big thing packed in a small package. Not that he was packing small, but that's besides the point. He was big. Good and big.

Yet, with every step he took towards Seungri's father, he felt small. He thought about it, and if he were the one who saw his gay son lying underneath another man who was known to have a girlfriend and not lean towards that orientation at all, on a bed, in a room that was supposed to be locked, well...

Actually, he didn't know what he'd do, but he was sure it wasn't good.

So when Seungri's father pulled a bottle of beer from the fridge, forgive him if he thought he was going to get his head bashed in.

Instead, Mr. Lee handed him the cold bottle and went through the drawers for the opener.

"Our Seunghyun," he sighed, exasperatedly, "apparently has a thing for his bandmates."

Youngbae didn't know what to say to that. He didn't want to affirm it, but he couldn't deny it either. Jiyong was always jealous anyway so he couldn't tell.

Mr. Lee opened the bottle in his hand and went to grab one of his own. He put it to his lips, leaned his hips on the counter, and eyed Youngbae. "You don't seem too bad. His mother definitely likes you better, but this can't be healthy for the group. Personally, I don't really care who he falls in love with as long as he's happy, but he's not in that of a good place right now so don't take advantage of him. I'm watching. If it ever gets to me that you hurt him, you're through."

The older man took another swig. He sighed. The stars shone in the provincial night skyline. The sky might be darker, but that just made the stars shine all the more bright.

"When Seunghyun said he was bringing someone along," Mr. Lee confessed, a lot less hostile, "I was hoping it'd be Jiyong. 'Cause that boy made my boy happy, and Seunghyun was never the type to give up. I was hoping it was him so that I could shoot him in the with a shotgun too. But I'm glad you're here too. He smiles more now."

He pat Youngbae in the head. It was such a paternal gesture that Youngbae felt misplaced, like he was getting acceptance that he shouldn't be getting, like he was supposed to be someone else.

He was speechless; his voice nowhere to be found and he thought maybe that was a good thing. He didn't trust himself enough to not say something stupid. He rather liked his bulletfree, thank you very much.

He didn't know what to do about Seungri's father thinking they were a thing anyway. And to be compared to Jiyong, and still feel like he was lacking, was something else. Maybe that was why Seungri was so caught up in Jiyong, because of how much happiness Jiyong brought him.

But weren't the sentiments supposed to be mutual? Weren't Jiyong happy?

Maybe Jiyong wasn't happy at all. 

Jiyong was the best actor among them, after all.

"Come bring more bottles here, Youngbae," Seungri's father ordered from the living room. "Let's have a drink!"

Shortly after Mr. Lee went up to join his wife in bed, and also to leave the kids alone because he was cool like that, Seungri and Hanna had Youngbae standing on their sturdy coffee table, making him give them a y dance. Youngbae had wrongfully picked dare. It was a rule to never pick dare when it was a Lee you were playing the game against. Unfortunately for him, he had no choice. 

Seungri was holding Youngbae's phone up, recording the scene right in front of him while Hanna leaned on her brother, laughing at how uny a very drunk Youngbae was. 

Youngbae was competitive. When Hanna declared that she'd be able to drink him under the table, he took the challenge head on. After all, his life spent drinking with Jiyong and Seunghyun should have paid off. What he hadn't account for was Hanna having just graduated uni after 5 intensive years in majoring both in Business Management and Alcohol Management. 

"Hyung, hyung!" Seungri slurred, tipsy but not drunk, "say it! What do you want to tell our friends? Say it."

Youngbae almost fell off the table and it was officially impossible to deny his state of inebriation. He put his face closer to the camera in what must be the ugliest angle in history. 

Youngbae grinned. "Officially now I declare yes myself to be drunk person!"

And Youngbae forgets how to form proper sentences when he couldn't think.

In the midst of his infectiously boisterous laughter, Seungri sent the video. "Sent, hyung!" he proudly declared.

Youngbae roared. " you! You said it won't get out! you!" He grabbed for his phone, which Seungri easily let go as the damage was done. Seungri fell to the floor, pumping his fist in uncontained jubilation. 

Youngbae was seeing three screens, spinning around each other and there were three of the same conversations going on. Suddenly, his phone wouldn't stop vibrating because of all notifications and he wouldn't stop cursing under his breath and by under his breath he meant loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear and suddenly Jiyong started calling-

And, oh.

"Jiyong is calling."

The laughter died.

Hanna grabbed his phone and he held no protest because there were also three of her.

She put in on loud speaker. "Yeoboseyo?" she drawled.

A pause.

"Who is this?" Jiyong's voice sounded over the line.

"Han... na"

"A-ahh, Hanna-ssi... is Youngbae there?"

"A...ni"

"No? Uh, where is he?"

"Hm," she said, purposely leaving the other on edge. "Why?"

"I need to talk to him."

"What for?"

"It's private."

"I can relay the message for you."

"It's really private... please."

"Is it about my oppa, Jiyong?" she asked, her voice pleasant.

Jiyong was silent.

"They're together right now, in oppa's old room, doing god knows what."

"Hanna-ssi..."

"I like him better, you know? Thought you were good, but you're not. And he's definitely better. Even drove him here. Probaby will drive him home, if he's not driving him home right now, know what I mean?"

"Please-"

"Eomma likes you though, still likes you. Not at first, 'cause you never let oppa come home to Gwangju whenever he had the chance just cause you'd miss him, thought you were selfish, which, hey, you are. But she eventually liked you. And eomma and oppa, they're the same. They don't give up on people, so she thinks you're gonna snap out of whatever stupidity you dragged yourself into and ing finally realize how much oppa loves you."

"Hanna, please."

"Loved you. He's moving on now."

Jiyong's heavy breathing was noisy in the silenced room.

"Have you? Have you, really?"

"No," Jiyong's voice broke.

"Then come back."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't tell you."

Hanna's voice softened deceptively, so contrary to the disappointment in her eyes. "Haru Haru," she began again, unrelenting and unforgiving. "You wrote that for him, didn't you."

"Yes," Jiyong breathed.

"And Blue?"

"Yes."

"How about Lies?"

"Yes."

"Butterfly, Loser, Nightmare, Let's Not Fall In Love."

"Hanna-"

"If You."

Jiyong cried. 

"Play them on repeat, Jiyong," she said, her voice sounding harsher. "Play them on repeat and realize you ed yourself over!"

Jiyong and Seungri might've just been together for two years but they were a long time coming. The was so damn alive for years prior that everyone who witnessed their interaction just wished for them to just kiss or already because all the pining was painful.

And all those years when both of them pined, and even after both of them gave in, their sisters were their confidantes. Not each other's, but the others'.

Dami was a good noona to Seungri. Noonas were weak to his charm and Dami was no better. Seungri was the dongsaeng she never had because Jiyong could be a spoiled brat most of the time.

Jiyong and Hanna, they were that too, and more. They gossiped, they sent each other videos, they sent each other crude jokes (none about Seungri), they sent each other secrets (all about Seungri). They'd talk for hours on the phone because of the latest episode of a particular series, and find mean things to say about other celebrities. Hanna was one of his closest friends. Hanna was one of the people who understood his love for Seungri most, that was why they were as invested at it as they were. 

So when Jiyong broke up with Seungri, they stopped talking.

And when Jiyong refused to come back, it felt like betrayal.

There were bottles all over the floor and no one was drinking anymore. Seungri was still lying on the floor with Hanna draped over him, her face buried in his neck, her silent cries has died.

Youngbae was on the couch, his phone somewhere in the kitchen where he left it so Jiyong won't bother him anymore, at least for tonight. He was lying on his stomach, one of his hands under his head and the other played with Seungri's hair.

Hanna murmured something into Seungri's neck. Seungri giggled. 

"What?" Youngbae asked, a lot more sober now.

"I told oppa that I wish you were gay," said Hanna louder.

Seungri laughed. "I am gay."

"Not you." Hanna slapped him lightly. "Youngbae-oppa."

Youngbae scoffed, and rolled his eyes. "What? So I could be with Seungri instead?"

"What?" Hanna answered back. "It's possible. When oppa wants something, he gets up ang goes after it."

Seungri put his and over his sister's mouth. "Shut up, Hun."

Hanna was having none of it. She pried his hand away. "He liked you first, you know?" she said to Youngbae, voice cheering up. "He has one of your old pair of earrings in his room, because he had a huge crush on you!"

"Oh my god!" Seungri turned over and hid his face in embarassment. "Stop, please."

"Why?" Hanna peered at him. "Do you still have feelings?"

"I don't," Seungri defended. "I don't, but-"

"Can I see it?"

Seungri was so caught off guard that he just tersely nodded his assent.

Youngbae and Seungri was alone again in his room, sitting in front of the closet, with the drawer opened. Hanna had opted out of the moment. Her bed was calling her, according to the girl. 

Seungri was rummaging through the letters, Youngbae was perring over his shoulder, their heads a bit heavy from the alcohol, but more or less coherent.

Seungri found them in one of the letters - the one he immediately wrote when he was sent home, to be exact.

Youngbae made a grab for it, but Seungri stretched it away. "Nope, nope," he said, "not for you."

Youngbae draped himself all over the younger. He has always felt comfortable in being over-affectionate toward their youngest. At least he did it in moderation. Jiyong had done it in excess. Daesung was only ever affectionate with Ri. Seunghyun was affectionate with everyone.

Youngbae avoided him for that most of all.

"C'mon, Ri," he whined. "It's all in the past now, anyway."

", no," Seungri answered. "I was a child when I wrote this."

"Fine," gave Youngbae in, secretly thinking of ways on how to steal it later. "It's the one letter about me and you wouldn't even let me know."

"Ayy, hyung, don't say it like that."

Youngbae pouted.

"How about I just tell you? I really can't have you read this, hyung. O? I'll just tell you," Seungri bargained.

Youngbae nodded. Seungri tipped the letter to the side and a pair of hoop earrings fell out, thick, small, and definitely masculine. They were silver, shine a little lost due to old age. He handed them over to Youngbae.

"I really liked you back in our training days, when no one else would pay me attention and Jiyong-hyung just downright hated me. Even then, I loved people who liked me, and you were kind enough to be my friend."

Youngbae hummed. He remembered the earrings; it was so long ago but they were familiar. He only had two sets back then. Youngbae smiled. Of course Seungri would take the more expensive ones.

"You thief," he said fondly.

"I didn't steal them," Seungri countered. "We were practicing then, this was during the time when we were filming the documentary and we'd been split into dance groups with TOP-hyung. They were bothering you, you said. So you made me hold onto them. I just forgot to give them back."

"For 10 years, maknae?" Youngbae teased.

Seungri laughed awkwardly. "Some of them might not have been spent in accident."

Youngbae laughed too. "You're so cute, Ri-ah."

"I know, hyung," he deadpanned. "I built a career on it, hyung."

Youngbae pinched his cheeks harshly. "Cheeky!"

Seungri protested in pain, pried Youngbae's fingers away, but when the older gave no indication of pulling his hand back, Seungri held it in his.

"You were my first, you know?" he confessed, unable to look Youngbae in the eye.

"First what? As in first crush?"

Seungri smiled shyly up at him. "First love, hyung."

Youngbae looked at him in disbelief. "No," he said, all his breath coming out of his lungs, all the forces pulling his lips up.

Seungri nodded enthisuaistically. Youngbae's reaction made his light heart; he knew for sure it wouldn't be a problem between them. "It's true. You were cute, you were smart, you could dance, you can sing, and you were nice to me. Of course I'd fall for you!"

Youngbae blushed. He felt alive by the compliment. "You didn't tell me!"

"Duh, hyung." Seungri rolled his eyes. "Have you seen you? Plus, you were chasing a lot of girls so much, I couldn't keep up."

Youngbae ducked his head in shame but his smile didn't go away. "Must've been hard on you, huh? Falling in love with someone straight?"

"Not really," Seungri hummed. "Back then, I was pretty ignorant. I didn't see it as