Recently, I have been thinking of writing my story or more so my experience word for word. Why? That I can’t pinpoint a specific answer to right now but I know that I want too and that I’m ready too. This will not be an easy read either. Trust me. If you’d like to go ahead and turn back right now, I’d advise you to do so but if you would like to learn of a painful tragedy and my outlook of it. Read and come with me, back into December of 2015.

Wednesdays were always the days I had stuck around after school until 3:30 because I had piano lessons nearby at 3:45. Drumline also had practice every Wednesday so it was never a bore for me to wait from 2:20 until it was time to leave. December 2^nd, 2015, this Wednesday followed a different plan. It was a special day for a close family friend pair of siblings. It was their Confirmation and I happened to be asked to be one of their sponsors. I did for both of them in the end, although the boy and I had no significant age difference. I had finished my piano lesson and made my way to my usual hair salon. A quick wash and dry to my hair then it being flat ironed straight by my stylist whom I call Tita – which means aunt in my language. I made my way home in a rush as time was ticking, I had to be there at 5:30pm with the 2 confirmadi. I had changed into my outfit of the night and went upstairs, they live just above my floor and then we made our way. We were in the car but then since there was so much traffic, we got off and ran to the church. It was only less than a block away anyways. I loved the feeling of running again, although I was in wedges, I ran like I was in proper shoes. The night brought a nice feel too, I’m not really sure, it was just unexplainable I guess. Regardless, so we arrived at church and all my past teachers had greeted me in surprise of a small world. A former student of 3 years ago being a sponsor for someone in their own class. We were arranged into our appropriate lines and we had waited.

It was only until the moment we were about to head upstairs to the main hall of the church for the procession. My brother had texted me about my best friend’s sister’s post on Instagram. I had asked if it were about someone else who had recently passed away but then he had told me it was my best friend’s picture. He said he was confused and that my best friend had posted a picture 2 days ago. I replied with wait what, then again what. I had to stop. I had closed my phone in disbelief. We were walking up the stairs about to enter the church hall. During that time, my mind could only think, no way, it’s not that. It’s not that. Is it? There’s no way. Through the whole mass itself, I put it aside then because I needed to focus on the confirmation, it was a time of spirituality for the two I was about to sponsor.

What did I mean by, no way, it’s not that?  I never really shared this to any of my friends until after December except one. I knew what it was. My best friend had messaged me, October 15^th, 2016:“Hey Michy, I miss you lots :\” To shortly summarize our relationship at this time, we were best childhood friends whom separated into different high schools. We would usually text occasionally on a month or 2 basis. I replied to her with Gurl. What’s happening <3. Then there it was, the news. She had an attempt of suicide. Everything really dropped from there on. I wanted to hear her voice but she didn’t want to call. It was really hard. I didn’t know what to do or how to even continue hanging the laundry when it happened. I reminded her of how I wouldn’t leave her, how I was here for her. As I reread it today, at least 4 months later, why did I not ask the next day or any other day? I cried and kept on crying and then it led to even more distress with another friend, the same friend who only knew this story. I remember asking him not to do the same thing. I think about our relationship now, and I guess it’s better than nothing. I had a surprise birthday party prepared by him too and on that day, I didn’t know it would be the last day I would see my best friend. I didn’t even dare to ask her or think of asking her, are you okay? I had countless times where I would think, if I had just pulled her aside, brought her into my room and asked her seriously. Would it have been different? What was the point of would it or if’s? Nothing will change but I still think sometimes about it. The last day I saw her, October 31^st,2016. The last day every one of our friends had seen her, smiling and laughing. The last words I had said, “Bye, I love you! Thank you for coming!” I didn’t know any of those days or words would be my last to her, but it was.

The confirmation, the church and the procession. It was a lot of in and out feelings. I was very uneasy at some points but then I was feeling really spiritual for the kids as well. But, it was only after the laying of hands and standing back into the pews, I begun to think. I started to analyze, connect all the dots to what my brother had texted me. I didn’t want it to be true. I knew what it was. I did. I honestly did. But, a huge part of me, once again, didn’t want it to be true. Sadly, it was.

The ending of the confirmation resulted in a lot of pictures at the altar. It was really the moment when one of my past teachers came up to me and asked, “Is ___ okay? Have you heard from her?” I don’t remember how I replied to that but, my “it’s that” feeling was rising. Then another teacher came up to me. I had told them about her 1^st attempt. I had to confirm it this time. I had to search it on my phone. This post my brother was talking about. Its exact words:

Today is the day that heaven gained a new angel. Rest In Paradise to my gym buddy, my oompa loompa, my ride or die, my best friend and to my sister. I will miss you so much. Every moment with you, will always be cherished. You never failed to make me smile. I love you so much baby girl. I will always love you _______❤️

My heart broke. Is that even possible? I was sitting in a pew with a teacher and I started to cry. Tears fell. Everything just broke. The feeling of a heart break, the feeling of your chest just dropping, the feeling of losing your best friend and at the same time, knowing the cause too. I went back to my best friend’s Instagram too. She had a 2^nd attempt as well, one that I didn’t know of. Her post was a picture of her arms and cut scars. Her caption was:

It may not be a big deal, but to me it is. In just under two months, I went to the hospital for attempted suicide. It was on October 15 and on November 6/7. I'm not doing this for attention. I know there are so many people dying on the inside because they're afraid to speak out. Yes, I do cut and I'm know I'm not the only one who does it. I know that I'm surrounded by people that love me, but I don't know what makes me still want to hurt myself. Sometimes people don't realize that the most "happiest" people may be the ones dying. There are so many people suffering because they think no one cares for them or that they have no one to turn to for help. You never know when the most important people to you may be gone in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours or in a day. I may or may not have another suicide attempt, but I hope not because I know I need to get better and that's what I'll do. Thanks for the closest people in my life for having my back and supporting me such as: (…) and more. I don't know what would I do without you guys.

I wasn’t included in that list of closest people. I wondered why a lot too. But the answer was clear, I wasn’t there for her. I didn’t even know of her second attempt. I wasn’t told by her. I didn’t even see the post then. I didn’t check social media around that time due to a lot of extra-curricular activities. I didn’t have that app on my phone either. So I figure it out later on when it’s too late.

I continued to cry. My mom had hugged me but she looked at me with eyes that didn’t know what to do. The thing is I just lost another precious person in my life. I didn’t know how it felt like to lose the 1^st, my own father. I was too young to understand that but every time I had cried in school about it, my best friend had always comforted me. The teacher had sat with me while I just kind of looked down, I prayed to God or even probably shouted in my mind, “God please.” It was really bad, I also had to take pictures with the kids I had sponsored. I wiped my tears and tried to give my biggest smile but it was so awkward. I calmed down and we were getting ready to leave. We were going out to celebrate and eat. I was stopped by another one of my past teachers. She looked at me and asked me, “What’s wrong”. I looked at her and teared up, I whispered into her ear, “ ___’s dead” She had me repeat it a second time after saying “What?!?”.  I remember she had told me something along the lines, “Don’t think that you were the cause, she probably thought of you before she did it. You did all you could.” We had left after to go out and eat at a Korean BBQ Restaurant. During this time, it started to spread, the news about her and I started to get text messages and phone calls.

Let’s see, I’m not really sure of them. It was one phone call after the other. The same kind of thing for messages, all these apologies about it. I kept on crying and crying, every time I would stop, someone would message or a thought would run through and they would keep falling, my tears were endless. At some point, I felt so bad, I felt so bad that I had to ruin the family friend’s night because it was their confirmation yet I was falling apart and failed to keep composure. The 2 calls that I remember clearly was when one of my friends had called and said, “Michy, I’m so sorry. Oh my god,” and just kept on repeating it. The sound of his voice, it was clear that he was also in desperation. The other one happened while I was in the Korean BBQ restaurant, where she asked if I were okay, and I could only reply, Yeah. She had told me, “This is the calm before the storm.” To be completely honest, I didn’t know the storm would last up until now, 5 months later. I ended up calling my best friend’s sister, it kind of killed at some point, the pain I felt and hers had a huge disparity between it. It’s something you cannot compare to each other. I had lost a best friend that was like a sister but her, her own sister. The night went on and I didn’t eat that much. Everything just didn’t go right. At some point, I contemplated on posting something about her but then I had seen another post from another close friend of hers. So I did, I gathered every photo I could from my social media, put it on a collage and posted it.

Its caption was:

For my " we could've been sisters in another life " friend. Practically like family, I'll miss you forever. A bundle of happiness and joy, my crime in action partner, my valedictorian partner for the speech that we never actually finished. For everything we've been through thank you. I had only seen you a few times for the past 3 years but everytime we did see each other it was like we never parted.

I love you alot. My bestest friend, take care, go in peace.

To the family and friends, my love and regards. Stay strong.

And again on another site:

For my sister for life best friend soul mate.

My bundle of happiness, laughter and joy. Beauty had shone through everything. For all the things we had been through the good and bad, I thank you. From our little toddler stage till the end, you stayed with me. Even if we went our different ways and I saw you twice a year, each moment was great. I bid you goodbye, wishing you peace.

____ I love you and I'll miss you.

For all family and friends going through this, I send my love and regards.

 

Those were posted and then we left the restaurant. We got home and then my brother and I went out together. We went out to get bubble tea at a nearby joint across the street. We talked and played speed. That was probably one of the only serious times my brother actually looked at me in the eyes with the look of sympathy and compassion and care. He told me I could take a few days off, I could take a leave and rest. He told my mom that too when we got home but I said no, I have to go to school. The next day, I had a mass to run, I had to go for AV, go play piano for choir. To end off my night, my mom right before I slept, had told me, “Don’t let this affect your grades.” I cried once more again, the expression of crying yourself to sleep, I did.

I’d say it was a pretty sleepless night but regardless, I had to get up, go to school and what I had to do. It was an advent mass and I was running it from its set up to the power point and music. I had too. What was a day off? I wanted to go to school because I knew if I were at home, all I would do is cry and what is crying going to do? So like always, I went to school early and set up things I could and then saw my friend. I don’t know if I told him or not but him and I, made a count on how many people would say sorry to me that day. If I remember correctly probably around 40+? So yeah, apologies came and went. One thing I remember doing is actually tearing up right before playing piano. I was at the piano and I began to tear up and one of the lead singers had asked me if I were alright and I just smiled and looked at her and nodded. I went out of the gym and I took a drink. The custodian looked at me and asked me the same question and I said yeah. I had to keep going. I think I messed up playing then too probably. The thing about the piano is that her and I played piano, we both play and that was probably one of the things that connect us two. The mass started and there was an intention said for her, that was probably when things started breaking a bit more. I don’t’ remember much of that mass other than me having to play and having to clean up everything. I try to think back to it but not much about the mass itself, I remember. So then, let’s fast forward to when the mass is finished. Or wait, let me mention this, before the mass started, apparently, the principal himself was looking for me during 1^st period while I was setting up. I looked for him and found him in the hallway. I think he also told me he was sorry and that he couldn’t believe that I was still running the mass when he saw my picture on the email that was sent to him about my friend. I had told him, I didn’t want the emotional leave or whatever my brother was talking about. Then after the mass, and while doing clean up, the social worker approached me and talked to me too. I told her I was good and I acknowledged that I knew she was there for me. She was personally asked by my old social worker to be by my side during this time. So then, the mass ended and then lunch came. I don’t know. I don’t remember a thing. I just know that one person asked about her, what happened? I told them the family disclosed it. I knew it though. The apologies came and went, I don’t remember if I ate lunch in the caf that day. I think during 1^st period that day, or was it another? I’m not even sure. So, it was towards the end of 3^rd and I had got released early and I walked into the caf. The last person to tell me, “I heard about it and I’m so sorry,” was the tear jerker. Really, he hugged me and then I walked into the middle of the caf and I broke. I saw someone I had trusted a lot and I started to burst and he looked at me, “ Why, what’s wrong” and I said, “___ died” and I had to repeat it to him once again. He kind of passed me off to another friend and then he kind of left. He didn’t know what to do, obviously, who would? Then I just went to class because I was kind of tearing in the caf shop and then went to my 4^th period class. I started to tear up sitting at my desk with my head down. The chaplain of our school whom said the intention for my best friend at the mass also planned a procession during 4^th down at the chapel. I walked into the chapel crying as everyone in there stared at me. I looked at one of my friends and just shook my head left and right. I was breaking and breaking real hard. I sat down towards the side. A lot of tears endlessly falling. I think the sight of me crying got others crying too. As the procession ended and people begun to leave, they stopped by me to hug me. Then at some point, I did calm down and as a group, we started to talk. One of my friends walked in and I looked at him directly in his eyes, he gave off one of those questionable eyebrow up faces and then I got really mad at some point. Yeah who knows, it was just a lot. A real lot of stuff. As a group we talked about a lot of things. It’s just now, that specific spot in the chapel on the bench is very significant for me. It was honestly a lot for me that day. I don’t remember anything that happened next.

 So let’s fast forward to an elementary school meet up, funeral viewing and mass. It was really last minute, a meeting of at least a good 10 of us at Siena, our elementary school. It wasn’t much all of us gathered into the library and not much happened. All the times we gather, I always wanted to say something even in the chapel the first day back into school. I just never did, I kept silent. This is where I told the truth that my mom actually told me to “not let this affect my grades” and one of my friends had told me that was honestly wrong and it’s not the time for that. Well, it’s a “what can we do thing.” Moving on, I figure out the days of the funeral viewing and we all decide on the Saturday and to meet up at my place. But before I talk about that, I remember this clearly, I had such a great day the day before, it was full of laughter and smiles at our lunch table. For that, I really want to thank every each of my friends who I consider family for always making me smile and always keeping a smile. I remember the day before, I was decorating my Christmas tree, festivities and holidays approaching but was it really a time to celebrate? I remember telling the truth to another friend about how everything had been falling apart and he didn’t really know what to say. For me, I didn’t mind that, I apologized because everything I was going through was too much even for me to handle.

The Saturday, the funeral viewing. It was honestly a time of togetherness for our group. Practically one of the lowest points in my life was restored and comforted by the presence of my group of friends. As mentioned before, we planned to meet at my place. One by one, pair by pair we met up and then we set to go and walk to the place. My mom beforehand, never failed to mention to not cry into the casket and to wear garlic and rice. The superstitions were not that intimidating. Walking to the place was not quiet. It was actually full of laughter surprisingly for us going to a funeral viewing. By the time we reached there, I remember walking into a room where there was many people. A book was laid out on a stand to sign, and I recognized one of my friend’s name right above the line I was about to write on. I thought about him, about why he didn’t come with us a group. I saw him in front of her casket, kneeling with his hands clasped together. All of us together, grabbed a black ribbon and then approached the front, where her casket was. I thought I would be okay, that I wasn’t going to break. I did anyways, tears started to fall down and I looked back to one of my friends. Before that, I had seen her parents and her sister, I had hugged them and her mom was bawling. It was never ending. Her pain, her tears, she looked at me with eyes of sadness and looked closer to my necklace. She remembered both of our necklaces. I asked her about it too but she had not gone into her room yet. As a group, we approached the casket, I begun to hold the hands beside me and everyone was holding hands. I started to speak. I know it was along the lines of, “We’re here together and as a family. The last reunion, the one you always wanted. Although it wasn’t for the right purpose…” After that, we all sat down in one long row. We filled in the row and it was very quiet. I went back up again. I knelt and I looked at her face. I looked at every detail in her casket. I overheard her dad saying “Oh my god…” as he looked at me. It was the voice of pain, desperation that this scene, and every passing event never actually happened. I looked at her and kept on looking at her. The scarf she would wear. The pink hat that she would use. I thought about it, I have this one pink hat that I love, was this something that connected us two as well? All these small symbolic things and then I questioned, is our necklace on you. What happened to it? Did you throw it away in madness and sadness that I was never there? I don’t remember much to what I was thinking of, it was just me staring at her. Staring at the light pink long sleeve with white thin stripes then knowing underneath, there were scars. Staring at her neck, face down to her hands that wrapped around a rosary. After at least what felt long, I stood up and there was a line of people. I saw one of my old best friends from Grade 6. We were very close with her together as well. I also saw someone I knew who would be devastated as me, we hugged for a long time, a really long time. It was a bear hug of comfort and sadness as he cried too. It was honestly a lot. An old best friend from grade 5, we also saw each other and hugged.

It was kind of like we spent the whole day, we stayed there for at least about 4 hours. Not all of us were there but some of us rolled in later. I remember right after we saw her, we went upstairs for refreshments. Before we headed up, I saw one of my closest elementary teachers who helped my best friend and I along the way. We all talked to her and then she hugged me and asked if I were alright. We still keep in contact up until this day. I looked at one of my friends whom I texted the previous night, I don’t know how he would react, or how he was reacting to begin with. We stared at each other and he awkwardly looked at me too, saying what. He honestly made me laugh on the inside. When we went up, there were many snacks, many of them reminded me of my times with my best friend. Times at the back of the classroom, sharing snacks and eating lunch too early before lunch. The two-bite brownies and ensaymada reminded me of us and those times. My old friend mentioned of how she isn’t able to eat during this time but then there was me. Eating the night away of snacks and drinking coffee. As a group we kind of sat around outside of the refreshment area. The same guy who had made me laugh on the inside and smile, once again was trying to get a high five from kids when they were running by. It didn’t happen at first until we saw one of her cousins. He called me Ate and asked me about all of this. He looked at my friend and didn’t recognize him as his hair was cut and up. Her cousin described it to look like he was shocked or electrified because his hair was up. It was honestly hilarious. But one thing that really surprised me or made me realize that we were all growing was how he asked me, “Why”. This little boy, I don’t know how old he is now but probably around grade 5 or 6, he’s a smart boy who had to experience the pain of losing a loving cousin to something he didn’t have to learn about. The world is harsh in its ways, isn’t it? I remember seeing her friends from her birthday party, one of her best friends gave me a huge hug and cried into my arms. I couldn’t really do anything. You know, I tried to keep my composure so much during that time. I saw another friend of hers who played piano and he recognized me too. The 2^nd time I meet them and it had to be at an event like that. We spent majority of our time talking until we had to get called down for the missal service. The same cousin had said the scripture and I thought at some point, maybe I should have done something for her, said something to the crowd about how my best friend was strong and the most lovable person ever. One of my friends came after leaving work early and she also cried in my arms and one of my other friends came to hug us both and we were just in a huge group hug for a while. We settled down and sit down but then there was a video playing at the back of the room. A video of pictures sent from people who knew her and then there were lip sync videos of her and her sister. My neighbour had said that it hurts because she was alive there. It was honestly hard to watch but I honestly stared at it so many times to see her smile and laugh. It killed for me to hear one of our favourite piano songs too. I started to tear up a bit because that’s when the waterworks started again. I came here to write once again after it’s closing into 2/3 of a year without her. The day itself was so long. I finally got to talk to one of the friends I had been awkward with, he told me that surprisingly he didn’t feel empty. He felt more full than empty. We kind of rebuilt ourselves and our friendship at that point. I don’t really know what went through everyone’s minds, I will never ever figure that out I guess. It’s hard for me to ask and talk about it with my group. It’s just something that will stay closed and never be opened in a healing way kind of thing.

            I remember as we looked down from the 2^nd floor to the 1^st floor where her friends were gathered around a picture frame of her and lighting candles in the shape of a heart. It was getting late and we decided to walk home at around 8:00 and then stop by a bubble tea shop near my place. I’m not even sure as to how I felt when I was leaving. Did I ever think to look back or to see her for one last time? It wasn’t too cold but the air was cool. We walked out and darkness was everywhere. All of us walked home in our respective pairs and I talked with my best friend about everything. All of us just walked home in chatter and that was practically it. Since my mom made this whole rule about not going home right away after a funeral mass, we reached the bubble tea place. I managed to spot everyone and bought everyone bubble tea although one friend didn’t want me to pay for him. He let me buy him it anyways. Another had said thank you. Like that, me, my best friend and the one who didn’t want me to pay for his bubble tea, we played cards. The others played with Jenga and watched each other. I guess at this moment, my mom just watched me and told me to not be too loud and my friend commented and teased me on it and said “oooo”. Us being together and staying together was one of the most comforting things ever. There is nothing that could replace that, our gathering and togetherness. It is so important. I cherish it so much. We all end up leaving maybe an hour or two later and I’m left with one friend by my side, the one who told me that this is the calm before the storm. I also remember my mom leaving earlier before all of us did and yeah, we came home to pizza and I ate again. I guess we talked for a while and stuff. We sat at my table and waited for her dad to pick her up and I dropped her downstairs. I remember my mom telling me to throw out the black ribbon I had received from the funeral. I was really uneasy about that. It was a momentum but my mom had seen it as something like a curse, something that would haunt us. I eventually threw it out to satisfy her but I kept the information paper. I think on our way home from the funeral home, the snow slowly fell upon us and the houses which had been decorated, had led our way home. It was the small flurries that made me feel the moment.

The viewing was on Saturday and the next day, I think I remember this specifically. I’m not sure if I am correct but I know I broke down. I broke down hard again and to the same person who had saw me first, broken down in the caf that day. I called him up, my mom had told me I couldn’t go to her funeral mass. I couldn’t. I spilled so much stuff to him. So many things and he asked me, “You should get help. This is not right” I had countered him with all the situations I had been through and how I have attempted everything. There was no end to what I went through. Something along the lines of verbal abuse. It was mentally deteriorating me and the only person I felt like I could tell was him. Little did I know that everything then would have backfired but he stayed with me. He stayed on calls and my messages for probably hours. I really can’t thank him enough for being my haven, for being someone who I trust so much.

I don’t know when this was but I think it was the same day or somewhere around it. I had gone out to purchase snacks and I guess in the heat of the moment, I ran. Ran a block and a half, as if I were running away from all the things that made me sad. I just ran endlessly until I heaved and panted. I will never forget the thought when I looked at the passing cars. It would simply easy to throw away my life. I hated the thoughts I had, they were horrible and I still to this day, wish that I didn’t think that way. If I just step out into the road, everything would end but the pain that would be felt by everyone. I know that pain but yet, I think of so many things. How better it would be without me. How people would miss me. How people would cry. How it would be simple to run away this way. Yet I stopped because the pain. The pain is unbearable. It’s depleting and it’s so hard to heal from.

            Monday, the day of the funeral mass. I had decided to text everyone and ask for names for people who would come as I was able to excuse us from truancy. All of us gathered that day in the chapel as we waited to leave for the mass. This day again, I broke down but that part will come later on. I remember clearly just us walking into the chapel and waiting. I closed my eyes and just laid on the same bench. Hugging the bag of my electrified hair friend or I think I used it as a head pillow. I remember that I just didn’t want to think, I escaped through music and I slept for a bit. I think I got poked by my best friend and he said that a teacher was here. I got up and I spoke to him. It was natural, I felt like he just had to be blunt but I also had to ask him about his newly-born daughter and her name. I was happy for him but was I happy for myself then? We all made our way to what I call, the squad pad or the usual hangout home. I think I split up with my friends and went back home first. I don’t exactly remember the whole before mass process but I know that I was with my best friend. I remember us going late to church or just on time to see the whole church pews filled with people. To see her friends go there at around 11 even though it started at 11:30. We walked at the time but they went as early as possible. I remember some of my friends walking in late but the way the pews went was that a childhood friend was on my right while my best friend and the calm before the storm was following her then my friends surrounded us in the pews. I remember seeing one of my best friends which ____ and I were really close with. He looked at me but didn’t say much. I remember seeing my old elementary principle, all the teachers. The procession started and her casket was there and the people who were to proceed and carry her casket. I looked at it as they proceeded to the front and I thought of her body in it. How I had seen it open just 2 days ago. As they proceeded in, so did her family. Her mom wailed and cried once again, her sister had sunglasses over her eyes as well as her mom. Her cousins and all her titas filed in as well. All the people I had met and seen in her house with expressions that were so hard to read yet I knew the feeling. Everyone in the church had that same feeling. The mass continued. The biggest moment of togetherness was when we all held hands together and prayed the Our Father. All of us, together. A huge chorus of prayer, all in unity for her. Another striking moment of the mass was when we all went up for communion with her in the casket in the middle. The feeling of me walking past by it and how everything played out, it was unreal. I couldn’t process anything and when I think of it, there are some moments where I think of it, the left side of her casket in the middle and how I passed her. At some point of the mass, I remember that her dog had barked and it felt so real as if her dog knew her owner was gone too and she felt that. At the end of the mass, the casket once again passed us and we exited in our respective rows starting from the front until the back.  

At the end of the mass, all of us wondered if we were going to go to the burial but there was no way of transportation. All of our past teachers of our elementary school were outside and they talked to all of us. Many of them said Hi and how are you doing. Most of my teachers had hugged me. I remember that all of us stayed at church for maybe at least 30 minutes. I had gone back in to sit in the same spot where I had broken down at the sight of the news. My friend sat beside me and we just sat there. Some others joined me and I just prayed and kneeled. I thought about everything and I saw that her ex boyfriend was at the back with another few friends. At some point, one of my friends whom I look up to closely as a brother was crying. I remember exiting out to find two of my friends just sitting at the railing of the church steps. We had talked for a bit and one of them said, “How could she be so selfish”. At that point, I realized there are so many views and I can’t do anything about it. It was pretty solemn, us just being there and being together. I went back inside to see her ex boyfriend crying and he said I was thinking of all our memories together. After our church mediation, we all planned to go out and eat somewhere or get food at least.

This is where everything begins to break down eventually, again for the 4^th time. We kind of split into groups and then we waited at Popeyes for a friend. Two friends sat a booth and we looked at them, ready to tease the girl who sat across the boy. We made fun of it and took pictures. I’m not exactly sure which came first but, the thing was my mom got mad at me over the phone and I honestly couldn’t take it anymore. My friends were about to walk into my apartment and I was breaking down, crying in tears and I was yelling. I remember my awkward friend had walked in and his face changed once he saw me. All of them walked in and they all were surprised. I was honestly a wreck. I remember asking my mom how does she expect me to act normal as if nothing happened when I’m not okay. We had a huge fight and my brother woke up to see everyone there and to ask me what happened. I wanted to go out and she didn’t want me too. I wanted to go out to breathe, I didn’t want to be stuck and my brother let me. I was hesitant but he let me. The mood was ruined but I guess I tried to keep it up and everyone just sat down patiently waiting for me. I washed my face and my electrified hair friend played music through Bluetooth. My friend and I took selfies and then we gathered at the usual hangout place. I can’t remember what happened after that. But that day, I think my explosion of feelings made my mom realize that I was affected and I just can’t get over it. She mocked my grieving and it continued.

This is only just the beginning of my story. My life changed its perspective on December 2^nd,2015. I finished this part of my story 9 months later. This story was a journey. I had times where I didn’t write and did write it. All of this in a span of maybe 7-8 months after I initially decided to write it. As I wrote it, my feelings did change with it. I had different thoughts and my tendency to fall deep into the feelings lessened. I really hold the day to my heart, that week was complete turmoil for myself because I had lost my best friend. I lost my best friend to suicide. I was one of the reasons for it. I was careless and I still sometimes blame myself today. This story allows me to see the feelings I have kept inside for the longest time. To see my view and how I have grown along with time. They say in life you experience milestones and stepping stones. I experienced a huge milestone in somewhat the sense of her death. Her story of a tragedy which broke everyone’s hearts even her own. It was the ripple effect of her broken heart which broke others but I know someday they will heal, even if it will take some time, it will and that is what will happen. It has been on going ever since December 2^nd,2015; the fact that time will heal us.