3. Out of Your Head

Jinyoung had halfway forgotten how to socialize normally, since he'd gotten used to people pulling away from him like he was infected or outright ignoring him. He was made even more nervous by the fact that he had no idea what to say to Mark's friend. If he was BBPenggwin, the signals he was sending were as mixed as they could possibly be. If he'd bothered to give Jinyoung all that advice and support, it meant he cared about Jinyoung deeply. But at the same time, he'd never really reached out to Jinyoung in person, even though it was obvious Jinyoung was Bogsunga. Did Mark's friend love him, or not at all? Jinyoung didn't want to go around breaking anyone's heart in the process of salvaging his own. Perhaps this guy wanted to stay anonymous, and Jinyoung was disrupting that.

 

Still, he couldn't just walk away. He was in love with Mark, and he couldn't be in love with one person with someone else still in the picture. He had to let the one he could live without go.

 

Taking a deep breath, he stepped up to Mark's friend's locker.

 

“So, er, Mark's friend-”

 

“Kunpimook.”

 

“Yes. What you just said.” Jinyoung took another deep breath, steadying his nerves. “I couldn't help but notice you were instant messaging during math.”

 

“What, are you going to turn me in? I didn't answer. The phone gave me a message notif, and I was curious. That's all.”

 

“But the thing is... I happened to see your username. It's BBPenggwin, isn't it?”

 

Kunpimook sighed. “Look, I know it's an embarrassing handle for someone my age, but my whole family picked out our usernames together, and they're all like that. 'MamaPenggwin,' 'GranPenggwin' 'LilPenggwin' for my sister. Mine is 'BBPenggwin' since it sounds like 'baby penguin,' and also I have another silly childhood nickname involving those initials.” He paused. “I don't know why I feel the need to explain this all the time. Why were you asking?”

 

Jinyoung's stomach sank. It really was him, then. “I saw the message you received on your account during math. I know it was the one I had just sent to BBPenggwin. And you probably guessed a long time ago that I was the one sending them.”

 

Kunpimook tilted his head. “Wait, what?”

 

“I was really specific about some of the things I was going through,” Jinyoung said a little impatiently. “There's no way you didn't figure out they were coming from me. I'm Bogsunga.”

 

“Hold up,” Kunpimook said. “That was you? You're the guy from Pann?”

 

Jinyoung stared at him. He'd always thought Penngwin wasn't the smartest (though the grammar mistakes could be explained by Kunpimook being foreign), but this was too much. How many high school students in the area did this guy think were being bullied with all the details a perfect match to Jinyoung's case?

 

“Look,” Kunpimook said quickly. “I kept my nose out of anything personal. I was told the things you said were incredibly private and I would be infringing on rights or something like that if I took even a peek. And I'm not about to mess with that guy. You've seen what he can do. I've got a nice face, and I'd really, really like to keep it like that, thank you.”

 

“Could you slow down and explain what you're talking about?”

 

“I was the one who originally found your message on Pann, right? I felt bad for you since you sounded like you were going through a rough time, and I was going through something rough too, then. I was getting really homesick, but I didn't want to talk about it with anyone around me since everyone thinks I'm this happy-go-lucky person who never gets down about anything. So I thought, hey, why not talk to a total stranger about it and see if we can help each other out?”

 

“So why are you acting like you never read my messages?”

 

“After I PM'd you, you took awhile to type out your response, so I went to the bathroom in the meantime. I let that guy fool around on the internet while I was gone, since he'd dropped by after school. He read whatever message you sent, not me, and started going on about how he knew you from school, insisting that he had to be the one who wrote to you.” Kunpimook shrugged. “He wanted to send messages anonymously at the beginning, and he was freaked out because his last name is part of his username, and he knew Bogsunga would figure out who he was right away. He seriously begged me to let him use mine. The guy's so pitiful that I figured it was the least I could do. I wasn't actually expecting you guys to talk to each other every other minute, though. I had to have my phone on silent all the time so I wasn't being bothered by the notif noises.”

 

Jinyoung's heart was thudding. “Mark, right? You're talking about Mark.”

 

“No, Im Jaebum, the guy who sits behind you in math.”

 

Jinyoung's face collapsed a second time. “But I don't even know anything about him!”

 

Kunpimook's face erupted in a grin. “Just teasing, of course it's Mark. He didn't tell you? I thought he would have, considering everything that's happened. Well, I don't mind letting the cat out of the bag. You want it to be him, right?”

 

Jinyoung nodded, though his heart felt like it was about to stop at any second. Even after resigning himself to it not being Mark, that didn't change that he'd really wanted it to be. Mark being Penggwin meant that Mark had been there for him for every single part of it, first emotionally, then in person. It meant that he'd had both exactly the right words and actions in him to touch Jinyoung's heart.

 

“Would you mind,” Jinyoung asked suddenly, “if I sent one more message to him on your ID?”

 

Kunpimook shrugged. “Go crazy. But if it's you two, I doubt it will be one message.”

 

“Maybe. Just turn your volume down for a little bit. I promise you that after today, we won't be talking like this anymore. This will be the very last time.”

 

---

 

From: Bogsunga

Hey.

I think I've given you some time. I can't give you much more without going crazy because you're not here and you're nervous about answering my messages now that we've “met” in person, too.

Pick me up from school, OK? I have nothing to do now that I'm out of detention.

 

From: BBPenggwin

I'm a little terrified over here

 

From: Bogsunga

Yeah?

 

From: BBPenggwin

Yeah. I don't know what to do when you're right there in front of me.

 

From: Bogsunga

Well. Not talking to me is no longer an option. I can give you a few helpful hints. Everything I've talked to you about here is something I wouldn't mind talking with you about in person.

And you don't even have to have the perfect responses. You can take as long as you want to think of what to say, even if there are awkward pauses. I can forgive that. I just want it to be you.

 

From: BBPenggwin

God...

God god god god god

You'll say something like that in person, too, I bet, and I completely won't know what to do

 

From: Bogsunga

So?

 

From: BBPenggwin

So I'll be waiting for you at the park across the street, I guess

 

From: Bogsunga

Thank you for everything up until now, Penggwin.

I think it's time to give your poor friend his ID back.

 

---

 

Mark was sitting on the swings, dragging his sneakers through the patch of dirt beneath him. His cheek was still a sickly color, but the cut on his lip seemed to be improving. He was always going to be a handsome guy, even like this, but Jinyoung wanted to take the pad of his thumb and smooth away the damage. He wished Mark hadn't had to go so far, even though the intentions behind it meant so much to him.

 

He took the swing next to Mark and kicked off a little with his legs.

 

“You figured it out,” Mark said.

 

“I saw a message I'd sent pop up on your friend's phone.”

 

“I told you. I did things really stupidly. I knew from that message you sent Kunpimook on Pann that it was you who had made the original post. I recognized the situation with Heejun right away. But I didn't tell you that we actually knew each other and that if you wanted to, we could have talked about it in person. And then, even when I knew I could talk to you comfortably enough online, I continued to ignore you to your face. I just...” He threw his head back in frustration, closing his eyes.

 

“I know.”

 

“I really... I really got invested in you. I wanted to take care of you properly. And you seemed like you liked me, but you didn't even know it was me, and I'm not even all the way like the person you thought I was when it's like this. I could only give you advice that would actually help you because I had the time to think it out and you weren't there in front of me messing with my head.”

 

“I mess with your head?”

 

“Among other things,” Mark muttered.

 

“Well. It's mutual, you know.”

 

Mark flushed a little. “But if it came down to it, wouldn't you prefer someone who's like BBPenggwin all the time rather than someone like-”

 

Jinyoung put a finger over Mark's lips. “No.”

 

“No?”

 

“When I saw my message appear on your friend's phone, I thought your friend was Penggwin. It kind of forced me to have to choose between Penggwin and you, which I did before he clarified they were the same person. And I chose you.”

 

Mark blinked. “You did?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you acted out the meaning of the words Penggwin said to me. And that meant more to me than just having the words themselves.”

 

“Oh,” Mark said softly.

 

“And it's fine by me if you can't say things perfectly to my face. I know that you want to, and because you want to, you'll try. And maybe you'll get there one day. But even if you don't, it's fine. You've already done more for me than anyone else, and I won't forget that.” He placed his hand over Mark's. “So let me do something for you.”

 

“W-what?”

 

“Let me be with you and show you that this side of you is someone I can love, too.”

 

Mark's hand was shaking underneath his. Jinyoung ran his thumb against it, relishing the feel of his warm skin. It was amazing, really, that so much could exist inside of one person. Bravery enough to fight for Jinyoung when no one else would. Fear enough to make it difficult to say everything that was surely going through his mind. A desire to protect, and a desire to be protected. A longing for love and to be with someone, but a fear of not being strong enough to actually do it.

 

“I don't know what to do,” Mark said quietly.

 

“Say yes.”

 

“I need that advice I deferred until later right now.”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“What are supposed to do when you love someone but don't know how to tell them about even half of it?”

 

“You shut up,” Jinyoung said, smiling. “And let them feel it.”

 

The fingers beneath his gently curled upwards, joining their hands together. Mark's touch was so warm. Jinyoung could practically feel the blood pulsing through him, pushed by a heart that loved him in ways Jinyoung didn't even fully grasp yet. He didn't need every little detail about those feelings just yet. It was enough that he could see them inside of someone he'd barely seen properly for so long.

 

“Jinyoung,” Mark whispered. His other hand reached up to touch Jinyoung's face. It was still shaking, but it seemed to have steadied just enough to hold Jinyoung steady in turn as he leaned in, closing his eyes.

 

Jinyoung had never been kissed before, so he hadn't known quite what to expect from it. His body reacted outside of his mind, instantly heating up from top to bottom as Mark gently moved their lips together. It was a searching kiss, one that seemed to be asking Jinyoung something rather than demanding anything. Jinyoung knew he had to give an answer back. He curled his hand around Mark's neck and pushed into him. Yes. You're the one I want. You and every little thing about you that makes you who you are.

 

Maybe it wasn't perfect. But he was pretty sure it was the best thing that had happened to him in his life.

 

Mark pulled away slowly, gently nuzzling his nose into Jinyoung's cheek. “Thank you,” he whispered, his breath tickling against Jinyoung's skin.

 

“For what?”

 

“For loving this part of me. Thank you.”

 

---

 

Mark eventually came back to school from his suspension and was immediately buried by everyone wanting to know how it had felt to punch Heejun in the face and whether or not he secretly had mob connections. Jinyoung didn't have any classes with him this semester to begin with, so it took awhile to get close to him without anyone butting in. It wasn't until lunch that they could finally talk to each other with at least a little bit of privacy.

 

“You know,” Mark said thoughtfully. “I really don't like being here.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“The cafeteria. After picking up all those nasty, stepped on bits of food, it really lost its atmosphere.”

 

Jinyoung smiled. “If I remember correctly, you weren't doing that so much as you were messaging me.”

 

“Right...”

 

“Right in front of me...”

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Pretending you had no idea what I was smiling over...”

 

“I get it, Jinyoung.”

 

“You know, for someone I've talked to so much, I can probably count on one hand the times we've actually talked in person.”

 

“Mmm.”

 

“Maybe this would be a good time to ask me out on a date so maybe I can count the amount of times on two hands?”

 

Mark gave him a blank look. “But I don't have anything planned yet.”

 

“Ask me over to your house, then.”

 

“My house.”

 

“Yes...” Jinyoung wrinkled his nose. “What's with that look? This isn't some kind of multi-layered suggestion here. We're just going to hang out.”

 

“Just that?”

 

“Well. I wouldn't mind you doing things to a certain extent, but I am going to draw a few lines.” He leaned his head onto Mark's shoulder. “I want to keep talking to you.”

 

“I still have mandatory detention after class for another month. And 'anger management' counseling at school.”

 

Jinyoung's lip jutted out. “I'm really grateful you stepped in to help me and all, but this is getting really inconvenient.”

 

“I know.”

 

“How are we supposed to do this talking thing if school is going to get in the way?”

 

“I could give you my real chat ID.”

 

“So we're back on that again?”

 

“Just temporarily.”

 

“What's your real ID?”

 

“MTuan93”

 

“Lame. No wonder you used your friend's.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“But I guess we could do that.” He grabbed Mark's hand under the table and squeezed it. “Don't fall in love with your new punishment partner.”

 

“Considering it'll actually be a problem student this time, that shouldn't be a problem.”

 

“As a problem student yourself, you have no right to make fun of them.”

 

Mark laughed. Jinyoung was pretty sure this was his first time ever hearing it. “Fair enough.”

 

Jinyoung played with Mark's fingers a little bit, smiling to himself. “Hey.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Were you ever going to tell me? That you were BBPenggwin?”

 

Mark smiled. “Have you ever seen You've Got Mail?”

 

“No.”

 

“Well, it's about two people who e-mail back and forth, not realizing that they know each other in real life. They're business rivals, actually, and the guy's superstore is responsible for the girl's local bookstore going out of business. The guy eventually finds out who she is when they arrange to meet, but he's so furious it's someone he doesn't even get along with in real life that he keeps her in the dark about who he is and ruins her intended date. But all the same, he can't stop e-mailing her. And through her e-mails, he starts to understand her a little more and realizes what a jerk he's been. At the point he realizes he's in love with her, he changes his attitude in real life and makes it so that she can fall in love with him as a real person, not just a mysterious chat ID.”

 

“Does it work?”

 

“Yeah. When they arrange a date and she finally sees who it is, she says I wanted it to be you.” Mark squeezed Jinyoung's hand. “Ideally, I would have done that. I don't know if I could have, but-”

 

“What are you talking about? Isn't that close to what you actually did?”

 

Mark ducked his head. “I wasn't actually trying to charm you by roughing someone up with your locker door and punching a guy in the face. I meant something better than that.”

 

“And you were going to pull this on me out of nowhere after never talking to me?”

 

“Um. Well. I could have shocked you so much by talking to you out of nowhere that it would have been a memorable event for you?”

 

Jinyoung chuckled. “Maybe. But I'm sure it would have worked eventually.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course. I fell for you, didn't I? As soon as I had an opportunity to know you, the real you, I was bound to fall, no matter what led me there. I wanted it to be you.”

 

---

 

As soon as Jinyoung made it home from school, he logged on to his chat app and messaged Mark.

 

From: Bogsunga

Enjoying detention?

 

From: MTuan93

I'm wiping down desks at the moment. My partner is trying to convince me to join her iljin squad.

 

From: Bogsunga

I hope you told her all your time as a free man is already reserved.

 

From: MTuan93

Happily ^^

What are you doing right now?

 

From: Bogsunga

Thinking about you （＾3＾）

Really! I have all my BBpenggwin messages saved, and I was going through them and reading them

You said you were going to be an uncool person. You lied to me.

 

From: MTuan93

Umm...

I'm pretty sure you have some kind of weird bias or something. I'm not cool at all

 

From: Bogsunga

You picked up my pencil case like a white knight

 

From: MTuan93

Did you not notice the part where my hands were shaking? I couldn't handle you looking me straight in the eyes

 

From: Bogsunga

Great, now my hands are shaking.

I can't really figure out what you liked so much about me

 

From: MTuan93

Because in a high school full of Heejuns, there was one Park Jinyoung, and that Park Jinyoung was so blinding that I couldn't help but notice

I felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids

Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

 

From: Bogsunga

You lied to me again. You told me you wouldn't know what to say when it came to me

 

From: MTuan93

I literally just quoted Florence + the Machine

 

From: Bogsunga

I don't think she came up with the "in a high school full of Heejuns, there was one Park Jinyoung" part

 

From: MTuan93

Yeah, you inspired that one. I'm sure it will happen from time to time

Speaking of Florence, want to listen to music together?

 

From: Bogsunga

Wait. I just realized the whole time we were doing detention together, we were listening to the same songs at the same time, right?

 

From: MTuan93

Pretty much.

 

From: Bogsunga

I just got chills. You've literally had me dancing to your tune this entire time, huh?

 

From: MTuan93

Only fair. You've had me fallen under your spell.

 

From: Bogsunga

You need to stop.

 

From: MTuan93

Are your headphones on?

 

From: Bogsunga

Yeah. What are you listening to?

 

From: MTuan93

Something quieter. Pete Yorn's “On Your Side”

Close your eyes. I'm right there beside you.

 

Jinyoung leaned his head back onto the pillow as he fell into the familiar feeling of being connected by beautiful words at a distance. Taking Mark's suggestion, he took a deep breath and shut his eyes.

 

---

 

His eyes fluttered open.

 

Mark's head was resting heavily on his shoulder, his eyes still shut tightly. The ear buds shared between them were still pumping music—Foo Fighters' "Everlong," the muted murmuring part where Mark would normally be whispering sweet nothings into his ear — so they hadn't made it to the end of the playlist they'd been listening to before they'd dozed off.

 

Jinyoung rubbed his eyes and lifted his head slightly. The sunlight that had been streaming into Mark's bedroom through the window had dimmed a little—the alarm clock on the bookshelf announced it was 5:00 PM.

 

Jinyoung was really starting to make himself at home. After six months together, Mark's small bedroom was becoming incredibly familiar. His stacks of DVDs, his tower of Western music (how Jinyoung had failed to notice all the groups BBPenggwin had shared with him being there on his first visit was beyond him), his favorite hoodie dangling from the closet hook. It was a comfortable place, one that Jinyoung fit easily into. Much like Mark himself. As soon as they were together, it was like they'd never been without each other. They understood each other in a deeper sense and slid into each other's lives without all the awkwardness and uncertainty they'd been expecting from the beginning. They were lucky to have found each other.

 

Jinyoung lifted Mark's phone from where it was resting on the sleeping boy's belly. Mark still tended to keep it private from him since he'd saved all of his messages from Jinyoung, as well as all the drafts that had gone into making his responses, which he apparently didn't want Jinyoung to see. Jinyoung respected his wishes, but there was still one thing he enjoyed looking at on his phone.

 

He punched in Mark's lock screen password to reveal the phone's background image. It was a picture of the two of them out on a mini-golf date, right after Mark had scored a come-from-behind victory over him on the last hole. Jinyoung was pouting, but still kind of smiling since Mark had his arms looped around his waist, grinning smugly into the camera as he snapped the picture.

 

Underneath it was a caption. My Bogsunga~

 

Jinyoung smiled to himself. He really was a lucky person.

 

After shutting off Mark's phone and returning it to its place on his stomach, Jinyoung leaned back down into Mark's arms, planting a kiss on his cheek. “My Penggwin,” he murmured quietly.

 

Mark stirred a little in his sleep, instinctively pulling Jinyoung closer. Jinyoung settled happily against him, wrapping his arms around his waist before closing his eyes again and letting the music lull him to sleep.

 

-FIN-

 

A/N: Waaah. I need to take more naps that turn into extended Markjin dreams in the future. This was fun! I fell asleep to "96 Heartbeats" and woke up to "Everlong," and all the other songs mentioned in the story played while I was sleeping in between according to my iPod (Markjin was completely making out to "I Love You But I Don't Know What to Say" in my dream, I was wrecked)

Anyways, I have another new multi-chap coming out VERY soon. Since it's a request fic, I didn't want to put off releasing it. If you enjoyed this story or have read my other stories, I hope you'll anticipate ^^