Facing Reality
Dealing With DeathCHEER UP BABY CHEER UP BABY
jom deo himeul lae
Music blasted through the stereos of the arena sending the crowd into a frenzy. Cheers erupted from the stands as nine figures danced on stage, their voices echoed by the chants of their fans. Smiling for the cameras, the girls worked hard, performing their best for their fans.
a dapjangeul mothaejwoseo mianhae
chingureul mannaneura shy shy shy
chingureul mannaneura shy shy shy
"SHA! SHA! SHA!" The crowds would echo back, making the girls feel as though they were performing for the army. Who knew that one line could have caused the group to shoot up the charts and into the hearts of the listeners. I certainly didn't.
mannagin jom geureoku mianhae
jom itda yeollakhalge later
jom itda yeollakhalge later
Singing my lines, I couldn't help but feel the thrill of being on stage; singing and dancing after all, had always been a dream of mine. Jihyo unnie stood behind me as usual, keeping to the team's formation. But, something felt off. The beam from the stage light shifted, pointing lower than it initially was. Strange....
joreujima eodi gaji anha
doeeojulge neoui Baby
doeeojulge neoui Baby
Momo unnie danced in the centre, singing her lines in her usual heavily accented fashion. Sticking to the choreography, I turned around and faced Jihyo unnie. She was mouthing the lyrics as usual but when her eyes met mine, her lips formed a smile: the same one that would melt my heart every time I see it. A loud creaking sound caught our attention causing us to turn our gaze upwards.
The spotlight was falling, spiralling quickly towards me. Stunned, I remained frozen on the spot, directly in the path of the crashing light. I willed my body to move but it wouldn't, completely paralysed from fear. Squeezing my eyes shut, I braced myself for the impact as the screams of the crowds and the members filled my ears. But, just as I was about to get struck, someone saved me.
Falling... That was what I felt as I was shoved away from the light's path. An arm wrapped around my torso protectively as another held my head close to the person's chest. There was a crash as the light made contact with something hard, sending shattered glass on the stage and the rest of the stage light onto the ground the same time my body did. The crowd was left gasping at the scene as they waited in silence for some sort of response.
Opening my eyes, I find my vision obstructed by the long brunette locks of the person above me. My head throbbed from the impact with the floor. With trembling hands, I brushed away the hairs from my sight as I stared at the face of my saviour. WIth her face coated in the blood that flowed from her forehead and her eyes shut, my heart shattered as I saw who it was.
Jihyo unnie.
I pull myself out from under her and cradled her limp form in my arms, holding her against my chest as she bled out. Screams and shouts filled the air, all incoherent to my ears. The members approached, their faces wet from tears and contorted from the shock. They sank down onto their knees, eyes never leaving the girl in my arms, voices calling out for the managers, the staff, anyone that could help.
Cold. That was all I could feel. Her skin pale and clammy, colder than it should be. This sent my mind into a panic. My hands started feeling her body, searching for a heartbeat or a breath, holding onto the hope that she was still alive. But, there was none. She was gone. And, my mind couldn't accept it.
"UNNIE WAKE UP!"
My arms shook her body, trying to get some sort of response. Still none. Sensing my distress, Sana unnie pulled me away from her body as Jeongyeon unnie scooped Jihyo unnie up into her arms, taking her backstage where the ambulance was waiting. I screamed out at her to wake up, my voice muffled by the fabric of Sana unnie's jacket. Helplessly, we stood there watching as they rolled her into the ambulance, her eyes remained shut and my lips were still mouthing 'wake up'.
Wake Up
Please wake up
Please....
--------------------
I shot up from the bed, waking up almost instantly. My face was wet with tears, my breaths came out in laboured pants and I was covered in cold sweat. Scanning the area, I realise that I was safely in my room. Dahyun unnie and Chaeyoung laid in their beds sound asleep, having not heard my sobs. Hugging my knees to my chest, I let my tears flow silently. Everything felt so real.
The door creaked open and a small ray of light from the corridor came through the gaps. My eyes moved to the door, spotting the silhouette slipping in through the gaps and immediately knowing who it was. Jihyo unnie. Her hair was messy and she was dressed in a loose t-shirt and shorts. Stifling a yawn, she rubbed her eyes from behind her glasses.
"Tzuyu? I heard someone crying. Is something wrong?"
Her whispers reached my ears and I cried even harder, thinking about how I had dreamt of losing her. Noticing my feeble form, she quietly shut the door behind her and made her way towards me, careful to not wake the other two occupants of the room. The mattress dipped as she sat by my side and her arms reached around me, pulling me into the warmth of her embrace.
Burying my face into the crook of her neck, I let go of all my pent up emotions, allowing my tears to soak the fabric of her shirt. Her fingers made their way to my hair, gingerly it as she whispered sweet assurances into my ear. I found myself relaxing into her arms and upon calming down, pulled away from her embrace with a small thanks.
I laid back down on the bed and patted the spot beside me, asking her to join me. She smiled softly before laying down, pulling me into her arms once again. I rested my head against her chest, feeling safe in her arms. She was safe, I was safe; and nothing would change that, right? She spoke to me in whispers to avoid waking the others.
"What's wrong Tzuyu-ah?"
Staring up into her large eyes, I contemplated on whether I should or not tell her about the dream. Making up my mind, I gave it all to her. Telling her about how we were performing, to how she saved me, to how they took her away. She stayed quiet throughout the story. Her expression was unreadable but held a tinge of sadness.
"Unnie, you'll never leave me right?" I asked as I finished the story. It was foolish to believe that but I had to ask, I wanted to know her response. She faintly smiled at me but the sadness in her eyes remained. "You know I can't promise that Tzuyu," she replied and my face fell at her words. "But, I promise I'll be with you here," she placed a hand over my chest where my heart laid, "and I'll take care of you no matter what. Now go to sleep."
Something about the way she said those words ticked me off, but I shrugged it off as exhaustion and snuggled closer to her. I wasn't sure whether it was me or something else but she suddenly felt colder than before. She hummed softly, her lullaby caused my eyes to flutter close. Soon enough, her voice and my exhaustion brought me into a deep slumber but not before hearing her last few words.
"I'm sorry Tzuyu."
--------------------
"Tzuyu-ah, wake up. We have to go."
Groggily, I woke up, alone, feeling colder than I did last night. Nayeon unnie sat beside me, patting me as I awoke. Her eyes were bloodshot and her dark eye bags made it look like she hadn't slept in days. She smiled sadly at me before handing me a set of clothes and asking me to get changed. She then stood up to leave, closing the door behind her but not without sparing a glance at me.
The dorm was quiet. Something that was very rare in this household. There was no rap battle between Dahyun unnie and Chaeyoung, no Jeongyeon unnie nagging at Momo unnie and Nayeon unnie, not even the sound of Jihyo unnie's loud voice waking up the whole household. Shrugging away the worries, I slipped out of my pyjamas and into the clothes Nayeon unnie handed to me, paying little attention to it before I stepped out of the room.
The living room was close to empty. Only Nayeon unnie, Jungyeon unnie and Chaeyoung were there, presumably to wait for me. The others had already left in a separate car they said. But I was more interested in the tired look in their eyes, similar to how Nayeon unnie looked like when she woke me up. And from the looks of my reflection, I was the same.
The sound of a car's honk broke me out of my daze as the four of us picked up our things and scrambled into the car. I stayed in the back, leaning against the cool glass windows, staring outside. Rain poured from the sky matching the somber mood present in the car. The silence in the dorm had followed us in. The radio was turned down low and neither the members nor our manager had said a single word.
We arrived at our destination, only to see the crowds that had formed around the vehicle the other members were in. Stepping out of the vehicle, we quickly made our way into the building; holding on to each other in an effort to prevent being overwhelmed by the crowds. Cameras flashed and questions were thrown at us. Clearly the reporters were here to get some form of breaking news, but received nothing.
The inside of the building was a crowded as the outside. People both familiar and unfamiliar crossing our path. The whole JYP Nation was present as well. All dressed in shades similar to ours. We approached JYP PD-nim and bowed. He smiled weakly at us, his eyes shining with sadness as he pulled us into a group hug. The seniors approached us as well and did the same.
Jeongyeon unnie held onto my hand the entire time, taking care of me and guiding me through the crowds. It was odd at first as she would usually stick with Momo or Nayeon unnie instead of me, but I let her be. We were soon told to get seated and we found our spot near the front. The crowd went silent and a coffin was brought in; and at that moment, I knew I couldn't live in denial anymore. Last night was a dream, she wasn't really there. Now I'm facing reality. We were at a funeral.
Jihyo unnie's funeral.
--------------------
The sound of footsteps echoed through the hall, catching our attention. We turned to the source to see her parents and sisters standing there, faces etched with worry. The eight of us stood up from our seats, bowing respectfully to her parents who nodded back before urging their younger daughters to bow at us.
"What happened? Where's Jihyo?"
Her father voiced out, his tone anxious out of worry for his eldest child. Our manager pulled them aside to explain the incident and we watched as her mother's expression switched from nervousness to grief in a matter of seconds. Her sisters stood innocently by their side, clearly aware that something had happened to their beloved sister but knew nothing else.
"I'm sorry. It's all my fault."
The adults turned to me as I got down on my knees. Even the members were surprised at my actions, begging for me to stand up. I could hear her mother approach me, coming to a stop in front of my pitiful form, but I refused to look up; I didn't have the right to. She lifted her hand and I braced myself for the slap that I was expecting to receive. However, it never came.
Her fingers pushed my chin upwards making me face her. She bent down to my level and pulled me into a hug. It wasn't my fault, she had claimed; stating that I was only at the wrong place, at the wrong time. "Jihyo loved you so much, she would have done it again if she had to," she said. She felt and sounded so much like her daughter that I found myself in tears again, praying that Jihyo unnie will be alright.
At that moment, the light of the sign dimmed, signalling the end of the operation. Everyone stood up immediately, awaiting the news that the doctor will bring. He walked out moments later, pulling off his mask. We crowded around him, bombarding him with questions about her. Overwhelmed, he raised his hand, motioning for us to halt and listen. But, we knew. His expression had said it all.
"I'm sorry. We tried our best but she didn't make it."
The sound of a mother's cry of agony echoed through the halls. Her father pulled the family together in his arms, his face distraught from the news. Her sisters sobbed in their parent's arms, knowing that they'll never see their older sister again. Their family was to be left incomplete. The doctor allowed us to see her one last time before he walked off, and out of respect, we let her family enter first.
As they entered the room, the eight of us slumped onto the ground one by one, holding on to one another as our hearts shattered from the news. There were no more tears, all having been used up in the past hours. The manager walked off to make a call, presumably to report the news to PD-nim. Those who walked past us stared at us in pity, sending silent condolences for our loss; for as much as we wanted to deny it, we knew we couldn't.
She was never coming back.
--------------------
The eight of us stood together next to her family, watching as they lowered the coffin into the ground. Rain continued to pour as though the sky was crying for our loss. Shovel after shovel, we watched as they buried her, covering the grave with soil.
The crowds soon disperse when the deed was done, leaving us to dwell in our misery. A police officer soon approached us to report their findings. Someone had loosen the screws to the light, sending it crashing towards us in attempt to get rid of us. A hater, a sasaeng fan of another girl group to be more exact. The surveillance cameras had caught him in the act and he was now in police custody, awaiting the trial and his sentence. We had some sense of relief: at least justice would be served.
I was furious at the news. An innocent person had just lost her life because of a petty war amongst fans. Jihyo unnie of all people. For ten years she had trained, experienced hardships no ten year old should have faced. She had sacrificed her childhood for this and all she got in return was hate. I could still see the moments her smile was exchanged with a frown, having read some disgusting comment online about her weight, her skills, how she was never good enough and yet, she still stood her ground. But after a year of fulfilling her dreams, her life was cut short. Stolen away by some idiot who barely knew her.
As her family left, the eight of us remained, standing in front of the marble headstone engraved with her name. The managers had decided to give us some time alone, stating that they would wait by the car. Even PD-nim had left, heart destroyed from sending off the girl he had watched after like a father for ten years.
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?"
I finally snapped, screaming at her grave. The members stood aside, none daring enough to approach me, allowing me to have my moment. I was angry. What gave her the right to leave us behind like this? To make us suffer while she went off into the afterlife. I fell to my knees and slammed my fists into the ground.
"I HATE YOU!" I screamed as my fist met the wet soil.
I HATE YOU
I Hate You
I hate you
I hate...
My lips trembled as the angry tears streamed freely down my face. No more screams were able to leave my lips. Arms wrapped themselves around me tightly. It was Mina unnie this time, being the quiet comfort that I needed. And we stayed like that until it was time for us to leave. We took turns saying goodbye and then walked off, trying not to spare another gaze at her grave.
Goodbye Jihyo unnie.
--------------------
Her family eventually stepped out of the room, giving us the green light to enter. We stood in front of the door, none of us brave enough to face the truth. Nayeon unnie soon found the courage and upon placing her hand on the doorknob, twisted it and pushed the door open.
Our eyes were greeted by the clean white walls of the room. A single table stood in the middle of the room where she lay, body covered by a white sheet. Hand in hand, we willed our feet to move towards her, coming to stop at her side. We stared at one another before I decided to make a move. With trembling hands I reached out and grabbed the edge of the sheets, slowly pulling it down to reveal her face.
She was still beautiful albeit being as pale as a corpse should be. Her bangs covered the scars and stitches that lined her forehead. Her pink lips were turning blue and her skin was cold to the touch but otherwise, she looked as though she was in a deep slumber. Much like Sleeping Beauty except we knew that she could not be awakened with a true love's kiss.
Nayeon unnie was the first to break down, having stayed strong for so long. Jeongyeon unnie soon followed to none of our surprise. They had known her the longest. Training together, debuting together, living the dream together. They could rarely be separated, although it was relatively unknown to the fans since most of their moments took place behind the cameras. She was their youngest, the little sister they swore to protect. And, they felt as though they had failed her as the older sisters they had promised to be.
The Japanese unnies were next. Jihyo unnie had meant so much to them. She was Momo unnie's source of confidence, always ready with words of encouragement for the dancer and always willing to join her for extra practices as well as making sure that she wouldn't overwork herself. Sana unnie saw her as the caring sister she could always rely on, catching her when she falls and taking care of her when she's tired. To Mina unnie, she was the voice that speaks out for her, the one that listens. One can see that she had become more outgoing and Jihyo unnie was to thank for that.
Dahyun unnie and Chaeyoung stood behind everyone else, holding it in. They wanted to be strong, to take care of their unnies; just like what they had promised to do. Jihyo unnie had always acted like a mother towards them. Showering them with the love and affection when they would miss their actual moms. They spent the least time with her but that doesn't mean they loved her any lesser than the others did.
I let my fingers slowly trace her features, swiping my thumb over her cheeks to remove the tears of mine that have fallen onto them. My eyes moved down to her lips, remembering how she had smiled at me one last time before the world literally came crashing down on us. I lowered my lips level with her forehead, placing a soft kiss on the cold skin, whispering an apology into her ears before pulling the cloth over her.
And that was the last time we saw her face.
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More sleepless night awaited me after her funeral. Tossing and turning I could never find myself able to sleep. Every night I would pray that this was all in my head, that there was some way to get her back. I would bargain with some divine being to bring her back. All I wanted was to see her again and I would have given anything just to speak to her one last time.
It's your fault Chou Tzuyu.
If only you had moved away.
If only she didn't save you.
You should have died not her.
I couldn't help but blame myself for her death. She died protecting me because I was too scared to move. Depression soon slipped in causing me to stay in bed all day, staring at the ceiling. I refused to eat or speak, only leaving the bed to use the washroom. The members were worried, it was painfully obvious. They tried to help but all I did was lash out at them. Even my parents couldn't comfort me. Only she could, but she wasn't here anymore.
At some point, suicidal thoughts starting filling my mind. Jumping off a building, overdosing, drowning; the thoughts had suddenly become so tempting to me. I wanted to end my life, to join her in the afterlife. But something will always stop me before I could, right before I made the killing move. Today however, I would finally join her.
Staring at my reflection, I almost couldn't recognise myself anymore. Sunken eyes, pale face, greasy hair, I looked as dead as Jihyo unnie had when we last saw her. I wasn't Twice's visual anymore, I was some just lunatic who looked like her. A knife sat on the edge of the sink, the metal blade shimmering, calling for me. I picked it up, blade facing towards me. All it took was one and it'll be over. Closing my eyes, I let my hands move on its own. Closer and closer it came.
Stop it, Tzuyu-ah.
A voice whispered into my ears. I could feel the tip of the knife against my flesh but I couldn't move any further. Some force was holding me still. Goosebumps covered my arms as I felt a cold sensation against my arms. Opening my eyes, I looked into the mirror to see a figure standing behind me, hands tightly grasping onto mine, hurt written all over her face.
Jihyo unnie?
I turned back hoping to grab a glimpse of her, but she was no longer there. Forgetting my suicide attempt, I ran to her room, knife still in hand. The door slammed open as I barge in, scanning the room for any signs of her return. But to my dismay, there was none. The room was empty as the Japanese members had returned home for a while and Nayeon unnie now slept with Jeongyeon unnie, unable the face the empty bed in the room. Her bed remained untouched, exactly how she left it. I crouched down beside it, breaking into sobs once again.
As I mourned, the knife was carefully yanked out of my grip and I heard it slide against the room floor, away from where I was. "That's enough Tzuyu," a voice reached my ears as I was pulled into another embrace. Through the tears, I could see Nayeon unnie's face, disapproving of my new attempt at death. I didn't know why, but I snapped at her, yelling profanities at her. She didn't understand, nobody could.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I LOVED HER!"
"I may not have loved her like you did. But I loved her too Tzuyu," she replied softly, her hands cupping my face, making me face her. "She was my baby sister, my family. We took care of each other for almost seven years. You think I wouldn't care?" She was weeping now too, her tears somehow calming me down enough to think rationally. "Jihyo wouldn't want to see you like this Tzuyu. You've got to move on."
Something in me clicked. Nayeon unnie was right. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her close and we cried in each other's arms. I felt her look up behind my shoulder and heard her mutter a "come here," prompting another three pairs of arms to join us. We stayed like that for some time before deciding to clean up and get ready for bed.
We slept in the living room, side by side, none of us wanting to be alone for the night. I stared at the wallpaper of my phone, a picture of the nine of us, Jihyo unnie smiling happily by my side. Unconsciously, I smiled for the first time in days before switching off my phone and snuggling into my blanket. Nayeon unnie's arm had found its way around my waist again and I felt somewhat at peace. Closing my eyes, I let one last thought fill my head.
Maybe it was time I accept her death after all.
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I saw her again in my dreams that night; dressed in white with her dark hair pulled back in an elegant braid. She sat on the grass, surrounded by beautiful white flowers, staring into the sunrise ahead of her. I was dressed similarly and my legs slowly brought me closer to her, her name on the tip of my tongue as I called out to her.
"Jihyo unnie?"
"Tzuyu!" Time seemed to slow down as she turned towards me, calling my name. Her face was no longer had the pale look that was etched into my mind. She was glowing. Her face free from the scars that once lined her face, her large brown eyes shimmered and her pink lips curled into a smile, inviting me to come closer as she stood up.
My feet picked up its pace, going from walking to jogging and suddenly I was running towards her. All I could see was her, nothing else mattered more. I scooped her into my arms as I reached, sweeping her off her feet as I spun around. She giggled, her laughter sounding like music to my ears.
Setting her safely on the ground, I kept my arms tightly on her waist. She stared up at me and I couldn't help myself anymore. Leaning forward, I captured her lips, feeling them meld against mine. Her arms wrapped themselves around my neck, as she moved closer to deepen the kiss. We were getting lost in the feeling of having each other's lips caress our own. And I couldn't help but release a soft moan at the feeling.
"I love you so much," I whispered as we pulled away, faces red and lungs panting for air. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you earlier." Her hands moved from the back of my neck to my chin, lifting my head to face her. "I love you too, you idiot," she replied as her fingers moved to my cheeks, tenderly them. Then she did something I didn't expect.
She flicked me in the forehead, hard.
I groaned from the pain before she sent a barrage of hits towards my chest. "And this," she said as she hit me, "is what you get," another punch made impact, "for trying," I never knew that she could hit this hard, "to kill yourself!" she ended, slamming both her fist into my chest. She glared at me but I couldn't help but grin at her cuteness.
"I'm sorry. I won't do it again."
"You better not," she huffed before taking a seat on the ground. I chuckled before taking a seat beside her, placing my head on her lap when I was sure she wouldn't kill me. I wished we could stay like this forever but we both knew that we had to face the truth.
"So you've finally accepted it, huh?" She asked as she threaded her fingers through my hair. Sighing, I closed my eyes and nodded. "You're gone and there's no way to bring you back. Am I right?" She hummed a yes and stopped her actions, causing me to open my eyes once more.
"Take care of yourself back there, Tzuyu-ah. Take care of your unnies for me." As she spoke, she turned away, eyes staring at her folded hands. "I know I can't be with you anymore so I want you to move on. Find someone better than me and move on." She had tears welling in her eyes now. "Maybe if we're lucky, we will meet again in another life and we'll actually get a chance in love this time."
"Unnie," I called out and took her hands in mine. "I don't want anyone else but you. I love you so much and I can't replace you with anyone else." Her eyes widened as I spoke. "But-" "No buts." I cut her off before she could continue. "You're the only one I want and the only one I need. I'll wait for you until the day we meet again. So wait for me alright?" She didn't bother to answer and just dived in for another kiss, one more passionate than the last.
Our tears mixed together as we held each other. How long would it take before we could be like this again? "You have to go now Tzuyu-ah," she spoke as we pulled away. "It's time to wake up." I was reluctant and she could see it in my eyes. "I promised I would be with you here remember?" she said as she placed her hand on my chest. "Tell the others that I love them, ok?" I nodded as I stood up and walked away, forcing myself not to turn back.
"Goodbye Chou Tzuyu," the wind carried her voice to me and I couldn't help but turn around, watching as she faded away.
"Goodbye Park Jihyo." And a single tear rolled down my face as I returned to reality.
A/N: Well, that was longer than I expected. Here you go. My attempt at an angst-y JiTzu fic. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Comment and subscribe and see you when I write another fic.
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