Thank you
Let Me Be The OneWe surfaced from the turbulent waters of our relationship. There were too many factors that made the ‘us’ into ‘I’s and ‘You’s. I guess that is the price of being an idol—the life you envisioned won’t happen even if you kneel down and pray to your gods. Everybody will be against you and they will ruin you to the point where you can’t make a stand.
Controversies broke the thin line that is connecting her to me.
I tried to change everything.
I gave my all.
She gave nothing.
She was too tired.
And I pushed her too much that she won't accept my hand to help her stand back up.
Her face was heartbreakingly beautiful. Her skin glowed under the moonlight, shining tear tracks squeezing the life out of me. “Dara.”
“Jiyong.”
This is it. My eyes can’t stand the glistening hazel orbs that would break my heart. Too many times seeing her pain won’t make me be someone she can count on.
If I would live after this, what would be left inside of me?
“I’m tired.”
My teeth clenched painfully, but I ignored the pain. I guess I can fake immunity from the physical pain—it does hurt, my mouth must be bleeding.
I should say something.
But what can you do when even words can’t save you?
“Please…let me go.”
I grabbed the rails as tightly as I could. I am on the verge of falling, my hands desperately holding on to the smallest pebble on the cliff of No Return. It was a gruelling battle and my body's about to give its final breath.
But I just realized something.
Desperation is not hoping that you will be saved, it’s hoping to save what you wish to be saved.
I wish we didn’t end up like this.
I gathered my strength and looked her in the eye. Multitude of emotions fought to conquer her lovely face, but the champion was something I can’t bear to see.
Defeat.
The pain I was expecting to see gave up and that is the hardest thing to see.
I guess pain is not as invincible as I thought it was. Pain could also give up when it fought too much to make its presence known, was scarred too much to even demand your attention.
When it's too tired and alone.
Please, fight for me.
Please, don't let me go.
But, if you're tired
I'll understand.
If there was someone who is listening to the pleas of a man like me, then please, as my last wish, let me be the one to make things right.
“Are you giving up, Dara?”
I expected her to fight, to have that familiar glint in her eyes when she wants something to happen. Even if it’s near impossible, she’ll make it possible, come hell or high water. She was the strongest person I know. Her family is her anchor, YG family is her wings, and I was her reason.
How things could change even when you can’t see them.
You were once proud of me.
Is that all gone now?
If I try to become the one you once was be proud of, will you take me back? Will you see that I have changed? Or am I too late to be that someone and you got tired of waiting?
She put her hand on mine, easing my fingers on the tight grip I had on the railings. Her fingers were elegant and thin, small and fragile, and for a moment, I couldn't breathe.
My ring was gone.
I closed my eyes.
“Jiyong, look at me.”
I turned my head away. I wanted her to realize that I can’t push through this— I can’t tell her I’m ready to let her go. She’s mine, she always will be. People always say that she personifies a rabbit—ever loyal, demure, innocent, pure. But I know she’s more than that. She’s a butterfly—beautiful and significant in my life.
Butterflies symbolize freedom, happiness, and love that is found.
How typical of me to cut her wings.
I looked up. The stars are twinkling so brightly above Seoul’s skyline. Please give me another chance.
“Jiyong, please.”
Her voice was softer than a whisper but her words drummed in my head, forcing me to look at her one last time.
I don’t know what made me touch her face, caressing her eyes, cheeks and lips, but I did.
And I didn’t regret it.
I love her.
God, I love her.
“Dara, I love you—“
“Ji, don’t—“
“I love you so much that it hurts. I've been fighting so hard for you to stay with me. I've been doing all I can for you to see I'm worthy. I guess, things didn't go exactly the way we planned, did it? But you know what,” Her eyes were shining with tears, her lips trembling. “Let me be the one to make this right.”
I was too numb to feel the cold December air.
My heart gave up the fight.
Not because I can’t fight for her.
But because I can’t fight for her knowing that she doesn’t want me to.
“Dara, remember the time I told you that butterflies make my nose itch?”
She nodded, her breaths coming in short gasps.
It’s so much painful to realize that her face looked so beautiful even when I make her cry.
“You told me that must be the pollen acting up and I disagreed with you. You must be allergic, that’s what you said to me. I didn’t tell you that I saw a butterfly on my way home. So I caught it and put it in a jar,”
“I looked inside the jar it but my nose did not itch, I did not even sneeze. I thought I was right and I never thought about it till now.”
I tried to smile, to ease her pain with my smile that she loves the most.
“My nose didn’t itch because I was allergic. My nose itched because I grabbed its wings and put it under my nose. I touched its wings and the pollen made itself known to my nose. I, as its jailor, was too dumb to notice the butterfly's defense mechanism. The butterfly didn’t want to be grabbed by the wings, it wanted to fly and fly,"
"You are my butterfly, Dara. For so long, I pined for you, and when I had you, I felt like I was the luckiest man alive because I beat Youngbae, Seung-hyun, all your fanboys, and even Teddy and Donghae, just for your affection. We were happy and in love, but I guess love only works when we’re both free in it.”
She was crying uncontrollably. My hands were trembling as I cupped her face.
“Santoki—you made me who I am. You were the reason why I tried to become both G-Dragon and Kwon Jiyong because you loved both sides of me. You never made me choose one. You made me choose both. And I can never thank you enough for that.”
My voice was shaky and my vision was blurry.
“Loving you is one of the best choices in my life. I don’t regret being with you and I hope that you don’t regret being with me too. I made mistakes, Dara. So many mistakes that you can’t smile anymore. I am so sorry, my love, for the pain I caused you, for the time you spent crying because of me. I knew you were making everything work out for us. But I was too stupid to realize that. I ran out of excuses and that’s not fair to you,”
“I’m not a smart person, Dara. I never claimed to be. But I know when I’m wrong. And it’s time for me to make things right.”
My heart stopped beating. But I gave her one last heartbroken smile.
“Thank you, my butterfly. Now fly free.”
Her knees gave up their stand. She crumpled on the ground, heartbroken sobs echoing throughout the rooftop. I tried to bend my knees, to take her back in my arms.
But I can’t.
She’s free.
She's not mine anymore.
I walked away, my steps feeling heavier than the last ones.
I walked away from the life I wanted to be in for the rest of my life.
I walked away, never realizing the tears that met the lips that broke her chains to my heart.
“Forgive me, Santoki. Goodbye."
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