"Living each day, always
nervous about tomorrow
I told them to trust me, that
we will succeed for sure."

//team b//hanbin

 

Hanbin

Hanbin watched them from the driveway as they packed their luggage into the trunk of the car. In the next two weeks, his team would be away for a small vacation at their own homes while he’ll be all alone in the dorm.

It was YG’s suggestion. For them to have a break after losing WIN.

At first, the company hadn’t said anything. His whole team stayed in their dorm the whole day after the finale happened. Everybody was quiet. Unsure of their position. YG Sajangnim told the press the other team who would not make it would have an uncertain future. They may stay as they are or disband… no one knew.

That day was one of the most surreal thing Hanbin had ever experienced. For the first time in his life, he woke up not knowing what he’ll do in the future. He spent the whole day in auto-pilot, doing humanity’s basic necessary activities – eating, showering, sleeping etcetera. It felt like he was experiencing an out of the body experience, you know, being there but not really there? He reckoned the others did the same. No one really talked much that day.

On the second day since WIN happened, Jinhwan was the first to break the silence. Hanbin supposed, since he was the leader after all, should have been the first to offer the words of encouragement. But at that moment, he still felt his body was missing his soul and was still in the confused state of wondering where he had left it behind. He was grateful though. Jinhwan, though the shortest of them all, was full of soul. And being the oldest of the team, he had enough soul to keep the team grounded.

On the third day, Hanbin, though still dazed, forced himself to be back on track. He spent ten minutes in the bathroom staring at a reflection of himself trying to find something he lost in his eyes. Later that day when the whole team was in the living room watching some variety show, Hanbin barged into the room with confident stride and positioned himself between his team members and the TV. A fierce glint in his eyes that his eyes had always adorned but was missing these last few days seemed to have returned. His team members straightened their backs in due attention. Their leader was back.

Hanbin told them their plan. To keep working hard just as they’ve done before. “Starting from tomorrow”, he said, “we’ll go back to the training room and practice until our bones get tired and our muscles faint. We’ll keep doing this ‘til the moment we get back to the stage and be able to perform again.”

He said that as he looked at everyone in the eye. One by one he saw determination grace their eyes once again. If the losing team had an uncertain future, then they’ll take fate into their own hands, shake it furiously until it snapped and was certain of what to do with them. His team was back and ready to make a storm again.

So they did just that. The next day they came back to the trainee building, back into the rooms they’ve been in years and practiced until their bodies nearly gave out. Others looked at them in pity. They were the group who lost after all. The ones who had been given a taste of heaven only to be drag down by gravity and pulled viciously back onto the ground. But still, they trained endlessly. One day, they’ll have wings that will defy gravity.

But one day, YG called them back to his office. Stepping inside the main building almost tore at their heartstrings. Each step they took into the building that was the heaven for them felt heavier and heavier. Soon they were in front of their boss; six hearts were pounding in synchronised rhythm. Hanbin could hear his blood pumping in his ears loudly, it almost felt like it was on loud speaker.

YG told them about their future that wasn’t a future at all. “Go take a break,” he said.

“Stop training so hard every day and take a break first. I’ll give you two weeks. Go back to your family and enjoy yourself in their company. But before that, I want you all to move apartments.”

For the second time in his life, Hanbin felt inadequate, lost and ashamed again. He thought training hard every day would show everybody how ready they could be to debut. But so far, after nearly a month and a half, nobody has said a thing about their position in their company. Even worst, the idea of vacation coupled with the apartment transfer felt like the company was pushing them away. His heart ached for him and s.

After that meeting, Hanbin found himself slipping in his mind again. Sometimes he found himself living in his head more than the world they were living in. His otjer members had decided to take YG’s suggestion. Hanbin didn’t take any offence. He knew the importance of family very well and won’t bar the others from seeing their loved ones. June was going back home, to his little sister and his mom and dad. Yunhyung too. He might help out in their barbecue store, he said. Donghyuk will be going back to his mom and sister. He’ll visit his dad again and ask for guidance this time. Jinhwan-hyung will be going back to Jeju and Bobby will be spending time in his aunt’s place.

“This new dorm doesn’t feel like home at the moment”, Bobby had told him.

“We’ll turn it into a home once everybody comes back, but for now, I really want some homemade meals and I know you can’t cook anything but ramen,” Bobby then joked.

Hanbin decided to stay. One reason, he told himself, was someone needed to take care of the new dorm anyway. There were loads of things needed unpacking so as a leader, he’ll take care of that. The second was that his family stayed very near their new place. It will be easier to visit them and he had already given up his room to Hanbyul the moment she had been born years ago. The last reason was one he wouldn’t say out loud in his mind but carried in his heart like a fragile jewel.

Secretly, he was scared.

That this place where he and his teammates belong to would disappear right before his eyes and get taken away from them like how the stage they had performed on had vanished.  From now on, he decided, he’ll hold on to the things his team has and protect it with all his heart.

Hanbin watched as his team mebers approached him after they had finished packing their luggage into the trunk. They gave him a hug and a punch on the shoulder and told him not to burn the house while they were away. Hanbin grinned and punched their shoulders right back.

They said their goodbyes and Hanbin slowly went back to the apartment alone. The house was dark and littered with unopened boxes here and there. He shuffled to his room – the one Bobby and Junhoe was supposed to share with him and collapsed on his bed.

He was lost inside his own mind again. It was moments like these where he preferred dreaming than living. Inside his own mind, he was standing on the stage with his team, the blinding lights shone on their faces casting shadows on the floor behind them. All he could hear was the voices of thousands of people singing to their songs and all he could see was vast spaces of black littered with tiny dots of lights. He could spend hours sleeping for at the momet, the only way he'll live his dream would be through his dreams. At those times, he was back with his soul again. 

 

"The gods asked me if I
wasn’t gonna regret this
But I answer without hesitating,
why would I regret?"

//hanbin

 

 

joenotes:

i hope this fanfic will interest you.

i've had this idea in mind -of following team b after their loss in win- since the end of WIN itself. 

was what brought this story - the inspiration that six boys who were my age were able to go on an

adventure in trying to reach their dreams.

it remided me so much of those growing up films/animes I've always loved to watch. 

hence, i really wanted to explore such idea thru this fanfic.

it has been 3 yrs of procastination and hopefully sufficient character and world building and i hope that i will be able to impart and execute the emotions and circumstances the characters have gone thru or will go thru throughout this fic.

this will prolly be a 3 man POV(including an original character), so each chapter will be a different person.

the number of POVs may change in the future as I see fit. 

please enjoy it. arigatou.