“MERRY CRISHMAST!!!” Junsu shouted.

“Let’s meet next year!” Yoochun giggled.

“Take care you all!!!” Changmin commanded.

“Don’t miss me!” Jaejoong wished.

“8 years already.” Yunho sighed.

=========================================================================================================

“Huff…” I sighed as I try to leave this party, looking for something that could just be my excuse, whether it’s the sky whether it’s the ground, as long as it bring me out from here, I’ll gladly say yes. I suppose to not come to this party, it’s not like I’m not invited…. I don’t think this is a good choice after all, being with them, being with these people I don’t love. Coming like I was happy or something, since when did I learn to lie?

 

“Was that you sighed, Junsu?” Gikwang, my-so-called new friend asked. I’d love to ignore him, give him a death-glare and told him to get the off out of me. But this smile must be kept. This warmth must be worn. This mask must not gone.

 

“Perhaps you hear Junho hyung sighed.” I said, making an excuse to myself, not trying to be honest to the one I never thought as family. Sorry Gikwang, but your heart never placed here in my heart. I’m sorry.

 

“But Junho isn’t here.” Stupid! I blame myself.

 

“Maybe it’s your own sigh…” The last excuse I can seek.

 

“I didn’t sigh…” he sluggishly said not quite sure if that’s the right choice. He looked at me like if I was going to dissolve him in my hand. He eye-talking to me but I don’t get what he was trying to say, we don’t have the chemistry after all.

 

“Maybe someone else’s this place is packed.” I sound as annoyed as I could, try to shove away Gikwang as I just wouldn’t say yes. It was not nice to force someone to confess something that they don’t want to do.

 

“Jun…” that voice, don’t sound pathetic in front me please. I’m not the Junsu I was; I’m not going to pity you. “It’s you who sigh…” this time… no question, straightforward. You have become man now?

 

I took a peek, seeking his expression. I was trying to dig the buried annoyance in his face. I ran out. I’m pissed off. As he chases me, I know I’d say something bad. I just know it. “I’m drunk… so I sigh… because I drink…” a lie I told him, never did I sip a little alcohol from this joyless place, never will, and never would.

 

He looked down, the look of disbelieving. He grabbed my hand that was walking away, “Are you sure?”

 

“If I’m not sure, I’d go to bed now.” I said, tapping my watch, gesturing that the time is up, for me… “its 11pm, bed time.” I’m not a kid, if you were them you would laugh it off. But too bad you weren’t, never will you are.

 

“J-junsu! Where are you going?” he said, with a worried intonation. No, I’m not hearing it for you. I’m not going to stop because you say so. I’m not going to leave because you told me. I am staying if you say they are here. I am leaving because I knew they weren’t here.

 

“Yo~ Joong Ki! Ah Im!” I called my two ex-acting-partners as I walk down the street from the place I let down. I have been trying so hard to find a place that accepts honest words more than lies, to accept stinky truth than the nice scent of dishonest, to accept the ugliness of our earth than trying to hide it by beauty fakers. But well, a person like me… could just look in desperate; we all know it was impossible to find such place.

“Where have u been buddy?” I jokingly punch them, with the happy smile I’ve always showed to this world, the happy smile… the beauty faker that covers the truth. I must admit I was one of those fakers jerk… I have to be one.

 

“Ah… Chun-ah~” Joongki happily smile and snug me in into their hug. “Ah Im, babe… tell him~” at once I thought that Joongki was drunk, calling Ah Im baby so lovingly.

 

Ah Im blushed, trying to hide something obvious. “Yoo… Yoochun… it seems that Joongki is a little drunk… don’t mind him…”

 

I laughed extremely. Like what I’ve always thought, Ah Im would try to hide it. “You two gays shouldn’t been hiding at all!” I punched Ah Im happily as I try to get away from their disturbing hug.

 

“Yah! But you are a gay too aren’t you?” Joongki said, he sounds a little annoyed by my statement earlier.

 

It reminds me of my family when he said that. “Well, you can say that again.” I wry smile I had on, I knew. But I don’t want to hide it either. I wish I was not born to be one of the fakers in this world. But maybe this won’t be too late either…

 

“Hohoho~ its Christmas anyway~ we’re going to hold a party. You wanna come?” Joongki smiled brightly while laughing like Santa again and again. He reminds me of my family again.

 

“No~ I’m looking for a place right now.” I smiled warmly or maybe wryly, I hadn’t able to make sure my expression either.

 

“What place? Maybe we can take you there.” Ah Im offered.

 

“Nah~” I decline the offer, knowing that even so they wouldn’t be able to me. They wouldn’t be known where I want to reach. They wouldn’t be able to be my party. “You guys go and each other then tell me the story!” I joked.

 

“O yeah~ we haven’t done it! Ah Im, babe… let’s do it!” Joongki somehow sounded very energetic and excited. “I’d be really good~” Joongki teased Ah Im while getting his hand into Ah Im’s pants.

 

“Whoa~ you two~ I’m leaving~ bye~” I waved to them.

 

“Where are you going Yoochun-ah?” Ah Im shouted.

 

“HEAVEN!!!” without hesitation I answer.

 

“Changmin-ah~” someone so lewd called out for me.

 

I was about to take a stick of cigarette when he called me. I refuse to follow my will. I’m not going to show the world that it has been so hard for me to live on. I wouldn’t throw my pride to show him that my life is hard either. Who is him to know about what I’ve been through?

I grabbed my phone instead of my cigarette box, trying to hide the gesture of taking something out of my pocket. “What do you want?”

 

“Just calling~” Kyuhyun playfully said and seat himself on the bench, beside me. “Not going back in?” he was trying to steal my attention from the picture I’m looking at right now.

 

“Why would I want to be back in?” I shrugged, throwing out my smirk which came out as a sly smile. I wasn’t feeling very comfortable to have him around me.

 

“Well, there still a lot of food to waste and… …. …. …. …”

 

I couldn’t hear what he said. No, I could just hear what he said. But I don’t want to. He should know. In this lonely world, the one who founds other loneliness is the great person. The one who cover his loneliness is the lord. And the one who came to scrub the loneliness is the awesome of all. And… and… the one… the one who complete a form is the perfection. Just like stars, just like constellation, if one die, if one gone, then it’s no more….

 

“You didn’t hear me… did you Changmin?” he said, smiled patiently at me, just like if we were lover. We made love few times, doesn’t mean I’m part of you already. I’m a puzzle, I’m art of an art, and if they lose me… they are not one.

 

“Kyu…”

 

“Yes, Changmin?” he sounded cheerful, a little bit wrong I suppose. I didn’t expect him to be cheerful when I call him.

 

“You know what day is this?” I said, I know my intonation was bland. It was too bland until it becomes tasteless, horrible food, inedible.

 

“Of course~ its Christmas~ everyone is celebrating” he said cheerfully.

 

“Well, I’m not celebrating it…” how suspicious could I sound like to his ear?

 

“So?” he said carelessly. “No one cares! It’s the time to love! Even Heechul hyung celebrates it!”

 

“So, get lost… it’s not a HAPPY TIME not a TIME TO LOVE for me.” I yelled.

Kyuhyun watch me in silent. I know he wasn’t in fear, he was just shocked.

“Well, I’m leaving…”

 

“Where are you going?” he shouted out to me.

 

“HEAVEN!” I yelled with a huge annoyance as my burden.

“I’ve finish with the Turkey~” I said cheerfully as I done cooking all the Christmas food. Even though it’s a little late, I guess its okay for now.

I’ve finish my Christmas celebration earlier when all my noonas and my parents came. But they went back earlier than I thought. So I felt a little lonely, so I called Jisung, in the thought that he wasn’t busy with Christmas celebration and it came out true! He wasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas.

“Let’s eat it! You just eaten my pudding~ I don’t think it makes you full enough!!!” I tried to be as cheerful as I could be. I invite him over; it would sound funny if I didn’t want his existence from the first time.

 

“Later~” he lazily said. Taking some snacks from my drawer and went back to the couch.

 

Yes, he annoys me. “Ji Sung…” I called the guy whom sitting on my couch lazily; watching some Christmas movie like if me, the one who invite him was nothing but an annoying jingles of the bells made by empty winds.

“It’s Christmas…” I remind him not to laze around and also remind him the first reason why I called him over.

As I thought… calling him was no use. I wanted a real Christmas, a Christmas which require Inviting my other family, my husband… my children… my soulmate, and all. Not just having this lonely man in my room lazing around without even have a taste of my Christmas food. Wasn’t he grateful for me inviting him over? Or he rather be with his all-sweaty friends? Or he just has no gratitude toward people at all? Since when did you become a jerk? Or is it me who become more sensitive?

 

“I know…” he said.

 

I’m annoyed. “What are you doing in my apartment anyway?” well, I invite you. But for my own sake, this wasn’t what I ask you to do!

“Go away, I’m leaving too.” I knew it was rude to kick out the guy you invite and beg to come over to your place all of the sudden, but I couldn’t say anything more polite to begin with. I’ve been in hard time for the whole year, and this guy just went to annoy me. How great could this world be?

 

“Wha-what?” Jisung kind of shocked when I drag him out from my apartment. “I just came an hour ago!” he seemed to enjoy my apartment so much doesn’t he? Even Jiji and Yoyo feel a little shrug when he arrived.

 

“I said, I’m leaving.” I took my car key and my robe. I got Jiji and Yoyo in to their cages and grab my readied bag.

 

“Where to?” he stood by before my door. Looked so desperate. Come’on Jisung I didn’t invite you to laze on my couch.

 

“I don’t know. Anywhere could be, as long as I’m not with you.” I said, taking my leave from the sorrowful looking place. “Or maybe perhaps I’ll reach heaven!”

I drove off randomly. To a place that I don’t know but feel like drawing me closer. I don’t know who or what want me so badly till I felt like all my organs were belong to that place. I just don’t know. Even if I say I don’t know… I knew well that place…we knew…

================================================================================================================

This place… 8 years ago it was a café… and now it became a café with VIP rooms too. 8^th years ago we were here, celebrating Christmas and counting down the last minutes of our unknown faces and our last freedom.

I stare at this place. I’m not going to enter this place without them. It just felt not right.

8 years ago… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… last year… I remember we couldn’t celebrate last year. Will this year be the same? Were we so pathetic? Were we?

 

“Junho hyung~” I could hear a dolphin-pitched voice. I didn’t bother to look because I knew it wasn’t Junsu, I just knew it wouldn’t be Junsu. “Ne I would come home late. Just tell umma okay? You know what day it is. Ne, saranghae~” how Junsu-like, talking like a lover to his brother and care so much for his umma. Perhaps I was just longing for him too much.

 

“Oh please, I’m not going to get drunk!” and what a coincidence, I heard Chun’s cute nag from the opposite direction. Maybe I’m too tired. And I hadn’t sleep for 2 days-straight. Maybe my head need a rest so badly until it imagine thinks like this. Hearing your voice for me is a pain in the already…

 

“YAH! CANT YOU JUST STOP THE OUT OF ME?” and that was Changmin’s yell! Haha, someone must have been annoy him soc much on the phone. Or was it just me who desperately need that baby right now? “Geez, I’m hungry~” you have been always hungry little brat. Usually in Christmas you would finish up all food your umma made and not even had the second thought to share with us. In the end we would all be hungry and not give you a gift. Well, I wish to experience that one more time.

 

“Well, it seems that our leader-sshi haven’t realize it~” that seductive voice. It must be Jaejoong’s. The warmth, the voice, just the voice alone made me melt with the snow under my shoe. I just realize my shoes were getting wet already. As wet as my face and eyes.

“Isnt it pathetic? To stand alone hoping us to come?” your voice. Why sounded sad? Why sound so real? I feels like ripping my heart already.

 

“You could just turn away or run away. Meeting us is scary after all!” Yoochun’s were joking. Or was it my head who teasing me?

 

“you don’t forget us don’t you?” Junsu… don’t cry! I’ll make sure that Santa is real for you! Just stay here in my heart longer.

 

“This fool will never realize.” Changmin’s annoyed.

 

“Ouch…” I felt a damp thing hit my head, snowball I guess.

“You…” as I turn my back. I kneel down and bury my knee on the snow. “I…” my tears drop faster… it well like a waterfall on my pathetic face, yet I have no strength to wipe it off.

 

“Geez you pathetic little thing!” Jaejoong came and gulp my lips down. He was crying. Tears well on his beautiful face. just like that. He was crying…

 

I felt a warm circle surrounds me and Jaejoong. Hugging us tightly with love and grace.

 

“Hyung… at last! This is the joy I’ve been waiting to feel… I’ve been missing you guys… I wanted to touch you guys so badly… like if you guys were God…” Junsu confessed as he tightens the hugs on us. I knew he was crying with joy, not losing a grip from Changmin and me.

 

“And I don’t have to be the beauty fakers with you guys… even Seolinja wants me to be with you all!!!” Yoochun with his stupid joke… but that wasn’t funny at all. He was happy to tell the truth, his tears were real and not an act.

 

“Now I don’t have to tell the world how hard I’ve been through!” Changmin hiccups, he sounds the most pathetic of all. “As an art, I’ve been back with my fellow pieces of puzzle, a star with constellation once again!”

 

“And I am back with my husband, my soulmate, my bestfriend, and my child~” Jaejoong loosen his hug. And watch my face.

 

We watch each other face for long. Until we at last laugh it off. We went in to the café as the clock said its 01.47 I didn’t know how many hours we spend out there, crying and being foolish. But as I knew… there was Cassiopeia watching over us, praying hardly for us to reunite.

I guess all Cassiopeia are being good kids this year. And Santa gave them what they wish. Us

 

 

A/N

 

Okay~ happy 8^th anniversary TVXQ

I cant believe ive been a fan for so long already

I wish I could still write for next year

My last piece for the year,

Hope you all like it

I don’t celebrate Christmas but…

Merry Christmas and happy new year

Gimme your comments ay?